Food for the body and soul

[florida80]

Name Change Approved
Australia, Hobart, Patients, Pharmacy, Tasmania, Wordplay | Healthy | May 4, 2018
(A customer is picking up a regular prescription medication but he also wants something else.)

Customer: “Can I also have some ‘Stuffy Nose Squirts’?”

(He wanted a decongestant nasal spray.)

[florida80]

There Will Not Be Blood
Blood Donation, Ignoring & Inattentive, New Zealand | Healthy | May 2, 2018
(Due to having a serious illness as a kid, I’ve had countless numbers of blood tests. When I am old enough to donate blood, I do so willingly, but knowing that my veins are now difficult to find, I always request an experienced technician. This is on all my paperwork, for their benefit as well as mine. This is my fourth or fifth donation, so I know the drill fairly well. It usually takes 15 to 20 minutes.)

Head Technician: “So, I understand that you’ve got difficult veins! That’s not a problem, but I was wondering if you would mind if we get one of our senior technicians to have a practice with you? He’s requested some further experience on veins like yours. I’ll be watching him and with him the whole time.”

Me: “That sounds fine.”

(The head technician brings over a young man, and they prep everything accordingly. Then, at the point where he has to place the needle in, the head technician walks away!)

Young Tech: “Oops! Let me try again.”

(To my mildly-suppressed horror, he tries to find a vein five times!)

Me: “Um, is everything going okay?”

Young Tech: “Sorry, this won’t take too long. I’m just a bit nervous! Are you still okay?”

Me: “Um, yup, just do what you have to!”

(Trying to be helpful, I endure another ten minutes of him attempting to find the vein in my right arm, and missing every time.)

Young Tech: “It looks like this arm is useless, so I’m going to try your left arm!”

Me: “Um, okay?”

(The head technician wanders past and nods approvingly. The young tech gets my left arm set up. At this stage I’m not really into it, but feel like I’m committed, and I’m beginning to feel a little faint.)

Young Tech: “Here we go!”

(Here we do not go. After another twenty minutes of being used as a pin cushion, the young tech calls the head technician over.)

Head Technician: “Oh, well, it looks like we’ve exhausted both arms today! How much blood did we get?”

Young Tech & Me: “None.”

Head Technician: “Oh. Well, we can try again tomorrow!”

(As I am leaving, one of the nurses passes by and asked how things went. I explain, and she is aghast.)

Nurse: “It’s his first day!”

(I marched back to the head technician, who brushed off my concerns, even though all my paperwork said I had tricky veins and needed an experienced technician. The next day, I had deep blue bruises on both my arms from my mid-forearm to almost my armpit, which lead me to being spoken to by my managers about drug use. I didn’t go to give blood the next day!)

[florida80]

I’m Your OBGYN; I’m Here All Week
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Illinois, Medical Office, Silly, USA | Healthy | April 30, 2018
(For the better part of the last decade, I have been to one specific OBGYN for all of my reproductive system’s many faults. He is a very short and stout man with a Slavic accent, the bedside manner of an angel, and the most wisea** sense of humor this side of the Mississippi. Here’s some of my favorite quotes from him over the years:)

OBGYN: *during my first pelvic examination* “Are you flexible? You surely are! I must have a Cirque Du Soleil star on my table!”

Me: “You know, most men buy me dinner first before asking me that!”

OBGYN: “Oh, honey, I couldn’t afford you.”

(The results of my first exam:)

OBGYN: *bursts into the room, waving a packet of papers around* “Good news! It’s all in your head!”

(I am diagnosed with Vaginismus, a condition that has both psychological triggers and a physical response, which has been carefully controlled since the diagnosis through therapy and physical therapy. I am just happy it doesn’t require surgery.)

OBGYN: *after a two-year lapse where I haven’t seen him since I’d moved* “You’re still alive?! Gosh darn, I must be doing my job too well!”

OBGYN: *after explaining my problems with birth control* “Oh, that just means your body hates estrogen. It’s not terribly uncommon for this reaction, but considering your other allergies, I think there’s one last thing we can try, and I’m very hopeful for it!”

OBGYN: *after that fails, rendering me unable to use all conceivable forms of birth control* “Well, we’re f***ed. Well, mostly you, although probably not as much as you used to anymore. I’m not helping, am I?”

OBGYN: *after I come in with a history of cyst ruptures* “Don’t worry! All we have to do is get you on some hormonal birth control, and it should clear those right… Oh, yeah. Oh. Well, have you ever considered traveling back in time and being born as a man?”

OBGYN: “Please quit coming in; you are making me actually work!”

OBGYN: “Have you ever considered becoming a nun? It might go better for you.”

OBGYN: “Look, I know a guy who knows a guy, and I could get you a new uterus set up, but apparently that’s illegal, so instead, let’s just try managing the crazy.”

OBGYN: *five years after my first exam with him* “You’re still flexible! I still can’t afford the dinner bill, though.”

(Considering all the horror stories I’ve heard about terrible OBGYN’s, I am so blessed to have this crazy Slavic man in charge of my health with his humor and

[florida80]

Fat Chance Of Being Taken Seriously
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 27, 2018
(I have scheduled a doctor’s appointment because I finally have a job with health insurance. I am experiencing a relatively minor issue with irregular periods, which I also mention to the nurse. She writes my concern down and leaves the room. The doctor comes in a few minutes later.)

Doctor: “I hear your period is weird.”

Me: *surprised by her blunt introduction* “Yes. And I’d really like to know why.”

Doctor: “My first thought was that you’re probably fat, but you’re actually healthy. So, let’s run some tests.”

Me: “Wait. If I was fat, you would have just told me to go on a diet and not checked for something else?”

Doctor: “Well, yeah, that’s usually the reason.”

Me: “What if they had something serious?”

Doctor: “It’s never serious.”

(I was too nervous to say anything. After getting my blood drawn and an ultrasound, I asked the front desk if I could see a different doctor next visit. At least the nurse looked embarrassed the whole time.)

[florida80]

Well, That’s A First (Name)
Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 26, 2018
(I am in the waiting room at a large, multi-doctor medical practice, so there are many people in the room. A nurse enters and calls:)

Nurse: “Williams.” *a few people look up* “[First Name] Williams?”

(Everyone goes back to what they are doing. The nurse again calls out the name, but no one answers, so she starts to walk away. As she passes, a woman rises, tosses down the magazine she was perusing, sighs audibly, and hisses:)

Woman: “That’s me, but I didn’t give you permission to use my first name; you will address me as, ‘Mrs. Williams’!”

(In response, the nurse turns to address the room, smiles broadly, and calls:)

Nurse: “Mrs. Williams?”

(Two other women in the room stand and look at each other and the nurse quizzically.)

Nurse: “Mrs. [First Name] Williams?”

(Several people, having heard the whole interaction, audibly chuckled as two women sat back down and “Mrs. Williams” turned red, glared at everyone, and followed the nurse to the back.)

[florida80]

Not A Healthy Conversation
Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | April 24, 2018
(I work for the UK National Health Service. This particular branch receives referrals for patients, and my job is to phone the patients to offer our service and get more info on their health, lifestyle, etc. Because of the nature of the branch, most people I speak to are in their 70s to 90s — and a few older! — but I do get the occasional younger person. I can see from this particular patient’s file that she is in her mid-30s.)

Me: “Good morning. Is this Mrs. [Patient]?”

Patient: *deep, gravelly voice* “Yes.”

(I am shocked because she is in her 30s, but she sounds at least 89.)

Me: “I’m calling from—” *quickly explains service and what we offer*

Patient: *almost before I finish speaking* “Yes, please. Anything to help.”

Me: “Fantastic. I’ll just go through a few some questions about your health, and we’ll see what would be best for you.”

(I begin with the standard questions, and she tells me the medical conditions she suffers from, which include severe COPD and bronchitis — evidenced by her gravelly voice and breathlessness when she talks. She has several other conditions; in short, she’s generally not in good health.)

Me: “Do you smoke?”

Patient: “Yes. About 60 a day.”

Me: *bangs forehead against desk*

(The job required I ask if she wanted help in stopping, but I knew before she even answered that she was going to refuse. I guess she wasn’t as desperate about her referral as she said she was. I left that temp post two weeks later.)

[florida80]

A Bad Joke, No De-Nile
Medical Office, Punny, USA, Washington | Healthy | April 23, 2018
(I schedule appointments at an OB/GYN office. One day, a woman calls in needing to be seen; she has just learned she is about three months pregnant.)

Patient: “I thought I had food poisoning or something from my trip to see the pyramids, but my symptoms lasted so long I thought I should take a pregnancy test. Positive! I’m so excited!”

Me: *hardly able to contain myself that I can use this joke* “Sounds like you did catch something on your trip. You have the Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy!”

[florida80]

Has No Idea What They Are Talking About
Call Center, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Healthy | April 22, 2018
(I am seventeen years old, and claim disability benefit. Part of my autism means that I cannot speak over the phone — I literally start shaking and have a panic attack if my phone so much as starts ringing. Usually this is not a problem, as my mum will talk for me if it’s an urgent call, and the words, “Does not speak on phone,” are plastered all over my documents and disability claim form. Unfortunately, though, we’ve had some variation of this conversation too many times.)

Caller: “Hello, this is [Disability Allowance]. What can we do for you today?”

Mum: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of my daughter.” *explains problem*

Caller: “Okay, [My Name]—”

Mum: “No, I’m her mother.”

Caller: “You’re not [My Name]?”

Mum: “No.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Who are you? Are you the power of attorney?”

Mum: “No, I’m just her mother. She can speak for herself, just not over the phone.”

Caller: “That’s not allowed. We have to speak to [My Name].”

Mum: “But she can’t—”

Caller: “We’re not allowed to have this discussion with you without her direct consent, even if you are a blood relative. Is she there?”

Mum: “Yes, but—”

Caller: “Please pass us over to [My Name], or I will have to terminate this call. All she needs to do is give consent for you to talk on her behalf.”

Mum: *giving me an apologetic look* “So, let me get this straight… You want my autistic daughter to talk to you over the phone, to tell you she can’t talk over the phone?“

Caller: “Yes.”

[florida80]

No Need To Get Catty About It
Brazil, Drug Store, Jerk, Pets & Animals | Healthy | April 21, 2018
(I go to a human drugstore to get a new insulin vial for my diabetic cat, since his last one is expired. He’s been diagnosed and treated for four months now, and I have been handling his insulin shots every day, twice a day, ever since. I bring the old box with me, so I’m sure I’ll get the right one. In Brazil, you can have insulin over the counter, no prescriptions needed. Also, every drugstore has a fidelity card that offers discounts, and most of the health cares have partnerships that give you discounts; you just have to show your health care card. A third way to get a discount — a big one — is when you register with the manufacturer; it’s a long form you have to fill, with your doctor’s information, treatment details, etc.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like a small vial for this insulin.” *hands the box* “I also would like to check both fidelity and health care discounts.”

Employee: *cheerful* “You know, you could get the manufacturer’s discount for it.”

Me: “Yeah, I know, but it’s for my diabetic cat, so they couldn’t take us.”

Employee: *makes weird face*

Me: *uncomfortable, trying to be cheerful* “Yeah, unfortunately they didn’t accept felines for that. That’s a ‘humans-only’ kind of benefit.”

Employee: *goes to hand me the vial, backs off, looking at me as if I’m a child* “You know this needs to be kept on the fridge, right?”

Me: “Yeah, I know. I also need a ten-pack of syringes.”

Employee: *still making the weird face* “Syringes for what?”

Me: “Uh, insulin. I need the smaller ones, because he only takes two units at a time.”

Employee: *proceeds to teach me how to use the syringes, very patronizingly, ignoring the fact that I may know how to do it since I just gave her an empty box of insulin* “What gauge size you need?”

Me: “I never had to choose between gauge sizes, but since he’s a cat, I believe the smaller ones.”

Employee: “What size is he?”

Me: “Uh, cat size? About four kilos.”

Employee: *weird face*

Me: “Sooo, I guess I’ll take the small ones.”

Employee: *reluctantly gives me my stuff, still looking at me as if I was committing a crime*

[florida80]

Pressured To Squeeze Out Any Answer
Health & Body, High School, Students, Teachers, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 20, 2018
(I’m in anatomy and physiology class, self-grading a test we just did on the cardiovascular system. Since everyone’s grading their tests as a class, the teacher is going over the questions and answers aloud. As is the case on every test, some of the answers are flexible, as long as she can understand what you were trying to refer to.)

Teacher: “Numbers 52 and 53: what instruments are used to measure blood pressure? ‘Stethoscope,’ and I’ll take, ‘blood pressure cuff.’ If you said, ‘sphygmomanomet er,’ I’ll take that, too.”

Student #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I put, ‘blood pressure band.’”

Teacher: “Yeah, that’s close enough; I’ll take that, too.”

Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *somewhat sheepishly* “I put, ‘squeezy pressure thing’…”

(Everyone bursts out laughing, even [Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] and [Teacher].)

Teacher: *between giggles* “‘Squeezy pressure thing’! I’ll take that!”

[florida80]

Looks Like They Already Had Their Drugs
New York, Pharmacy, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | April 19, 2018
(I have just started my first job at a local pharmacy and convenience store, and it is my third day of training. I am standing behind the counter with an older coworker of mine. We hear the door open, and look over.)

Customer: *quickly walks through the doors and to the other end of the floor, where the pharmacy is*

Me: *looking at my coworker* “Was she…”

Coworker: *taking a sip of an energy drink* “…not wearing any pants? Welcome to the job, kid.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

At Least He Told The Tooth
Bad Behavior, Dentist, France, Patients | Healthy | April 18, 2018
(I study dentistry in France, where you work at a dental clinic starting on your fourth year. Every half day, you’re in a different service. For example, on Tuesday mornings, I take care of cavities and the like, and on Friday afternoons I remove teeth. To remove a tooth, you obviously have to anesthetize the patient locally, and, for medical reasons, you cannot do that if the patient has taken drugs recently — especially cocaine — or you could cause them to have a heart attack. Although it is a rare occurrence and most likely wouldn’t happen anyway, we still can’t knowingly inject a drugged patient with adrenalin, which is part of our anesthesiant. A patient I know from a different service comes to have a tooth removed. Since I’ve already seen him and his file, I know he is a drug addict. On this particular day, he is acting very “twitchy.”)

Me: *after five minutes of chatting about the treatment I already performed on him while we set up the operation table* “So, have you taken any drugs lately?”

Patient: “You have to be more precise; I’ve been on drugs my entire life!”

Me: “Hm, how about that last week?”

Patient: “Sure.”

Me: “What have you taken?”

Patient: “A bit of everything, really.”

Me: “What about cocaine?”

Patient: “Oh, yeah.”

Me: “In the last three days?”

Patient: *more or less jokingly* “Are you the police? Why are you questioning me?”

Me: “Well, sir, I can’t anesthetize you if you’ve taken cocaine recently; that could cause you to have a heart attack. I personally don’t care; it’s for your sake. So, when’s the last time you’ve taken cocaine?”

Patient: “Hm… Half an hour ago.”

(I resisted the urge to face-palm and informed the patient that I could not legally or ethically remove his tooth. He told me that he had come plenty of times, been anesthetized and never had any issue, but I still refused and sent him away. I told him to come back clean after the weekend and wrote about the incident in his file, warning the next student to check whether he is clean or not. He will probably come back high as a kite and just lie about

[florida80]

Ultrasound Taking Ultra Long
California, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Sacramento, Students, USA | Healthy | April 17, 2018
(I am 37 weeks pregnant and am having an ultrasound on my baby to monitor his kidneys, which are enlarged, but otherwise healthy. A very nice student tech is doing the ultrasound under the watchful eye of the attending OB/GYN and the supervising tech, who are viewing the video in the next room. The student is being very careful and thorough, trying to get good pictures of every structure, and is taking a LONG time. Finally, the supervising ultrasound tech comes in, cackling, and addresses the student.)

Supervisor: “Dr. [OB] says if you keep her in here much longer, she’s going to have to deliver her right on this table.”

(She wasn’t too far off; I went into labor shortly afterward!)

[florida80]

Asking Some Fresh Questions
Indiana, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | April 16, 2018
(I have recently gotten pregnant with my first child, and am at my OB/GYN having an initial consult with a nurse practitioner who appears to be in her mid-50s. We are going over restrictions now that I’m pregnant. My family are avid fishermen, and my husband and I regularly eat the freshwater fish we catch.)

Nurse Practitioner: “Here’s a pamphlet on fish and seafood. Research has really helped recently, so there’s a comprehensive list of what types of fish are safe and which ones you should limit.”

Me: *looking over list, and noticing it’s only ocean fish* “Okay, but what about freshwater fish? Are there risks or restrictions on those?”

Nurse Practitioner: “It should be on the list; they have types listed there.”

Me: “No, I know, but these are all ocean fish: salmon, tuna, cod, etc. I’m talking about freshwater fish. My family and I catch and eat locally, and at our cabin in Minnesota:perch, bluegill, northern pike. Are those okay?”

Nurse Practitioner: “I’ve literally never had anyone ask me that.”

Me: “Really?”

Nurse Practitioner: “I guess I don’t get many patients who fish! I’d say it’d be okay to eat those as long as you ensure that they’re cooked thoroughly.”

(It surprised me that in a rural area, a nurse practitioner with that much experience wouldn’t have come across that before!)

[florida80]

Context Is Thicker Than Blood
Bizarre, Germany, Medical Office, Patients | Healthy | April 13, 2018
(I’m standing at the reception desk of my doctor’s office when suddenly I hear a woman yell:)

Woman: “I don’t have blood anymore!”

(I do a mental double-take since the receptionist seems completely unfazed.)

Woman: “Mrs. [Receptionist]! I don’t have blood anymore!”

(The receptionist looks up, smiling benevolently. Just as I start to wonder what the heck is going on, a female doctor’s assistant walks up to the reception desk, trailed by a courier carrying a sealed box.)

Doctor’s Assistant: “Mrs. [Receptionist], the courier is here; all the blood samples will be sent out now.”

(Finally, it clicked. So, there wasn’t a vampire phlebotomist on the loose!)

[florida80]

Helping Is In Their Blood
Awesome, British Columbia, Canada, Medical Office, Patients, Victoria, Volunteer | Healthy | April 11, 2018
(I donate blood regularly. One time, when they insert the needle, I immediately feel lightheaded for a second or two. Since I have not yet lost more than a few drops of blood, definitely not enough to cause a significant loss of blood pressure, I assume it was just a psychosomatic reaction to having such a large needle inserted, shrug it off, and decide to continue with the draw. A few minutes later, it comes back again, and with a vengeance.)

Me: *raising hand shakily* “Um… Excuse me?”

(I immediately have three technicians surrounding me.)

Technician: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”

(They spring into action, immediately removing the needle. One of them reclines my seat so my feet are elevated above my head, one goes to grab damp cloths, which they drape over every inch of exposed skin I have, and one goes to grab me a juice box to increase my blood sugar. After a while, the seat is returned to its regular position, and they continue feeding me juice. I am eventually allowed to go to the recovery area, with two people escorting in case I pass out on the way. Once I sit down, I call my friend who I was supposed to meet to tell her I’ll be delayed. Partway through the conversation, I hear running steps behind me, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a woman with a very concerned expression, who looks at me for a moment and then laughs.)

Volunteer: “Oh, you’re on your cell phone! I thought you were talking to yourself!”

Me: “Oh, no. I’m just letting my friend know I’m going to be late.”

Volunteer: “Oh, good.”

Friend: “What was that?”

Me: “Oh, the volunteer thought I was talking to myself. Can you imagine that? ‘Oh, great! First he nearly passes out, and now he’s hallucinating!'”

(They eventually let me go, and I was only 30 minutes late to meet my friend. Fortunately, while everything was going on, one of the techs mentioned I had filled most of a bag, and when I asked if it could still be used, he assured me it could.)

[florida80]

Dying For Some Good Service
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | April 9, 2018
(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)

Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”

Nurse: “Yes.”

Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”

Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”

Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”

Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”

Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”

Me & Boyfriend: “…”

[florida80]

The Holy S-pee-rit
Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 8, 2018
(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)

Nurse: “Do you smoke?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”

Me: “Occasionally.”

Nurse: “How often?”

Me: “Once or twice per month.”

Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”

Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”

[florida80]

Dying For Some Good Service
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | April 9, 2018
(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)

Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”

Nurse: “Yes.”

Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”

Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”

Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”

Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”

Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”

Me & Boyfriend: “…”

[florida80]

The Holy S-pee-rit
Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 8, 2018
(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)

Nurse: “Do you smoke?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”

Me: “Occasionally.”

Nurse: “How often?”

Me: “Once or twice per month.”

Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”

Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”

[florida80]

Abort This Doctor’s Appointment
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 7, 2018
(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem:)

Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”

Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”

Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”

Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”

Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”

(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.

[florida80]

I’ll Have What She’s Having
Canada, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ontario, Patients, Silly | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I have just woken up from surgery. I look around the room and see my Ob/Gyn, so I decide to start a conversation.)

Me: “Are you real?”

Ob/Gyn: “Yes.”

Me: “I don’t think so! Wait, maybe you’re a ghost.”

Ob/Gyn: “I’m not a ghost.”

Me: “I bet I can stick my hand through you.” *I flop my arm over in his direction and hit him in the side* “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!”

Ob/Gyn: “Do what?”

Me: “Block my hand.”

Ob/Gyn: “Like I said, I’m not a ghost.”

Me: “I knew it! You’re not real; this is all a dream. I think I can control it.”

(At this point, he stops talking and directs my bed into a recovery room. On the way, I hear a beeping sound, probably someone’s heart monitor going off.)

Me: “I did that.”

[florida80]

How Are Flu?
Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA, Virginia | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)

Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”

Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”

(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)

Me: “Well, not good good.”

Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”

[florida80]

But Some Humans Don’t Have Brains
Colorado, Pets & Animals, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(This was heard by my friend who works as a janitor in the vet hospital:)

Customer: “Dogs have lungs?!“

[florida80]

Some Patients Can Be An Arm-ful
Australia, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Perth, Silly, Western Australia | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)

Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”

Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”

(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “All righty, all done.”

(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me:)

Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”

Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”

Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”

(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)

Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”

(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)

[florida80]

Some Business Starts In The Garage
Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, Stupid, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018
(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)

Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”

Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”

(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)

Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”

Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”

Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”

Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”

Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*

Me: “Pooping in the garage?”

Vet: “Pooping in the garage.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018
(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)

[florida80]

Left You Feeling Cold(sore)
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)

Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”

Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”

(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”

Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”

(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)

Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”

Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”

Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”

(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”

Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”

Me: “No, why?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”

Me: “He said my blood was normal.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”

(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)

[florida80]

Opposable Definitions
Pets & Animals, Stupid, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018
(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

[florida80]

A Little Bird Googled Me
Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018
Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

[florida80]

Smoking Is Always A Double Negative
England, Hospital, Nurses, UK, Wordplay | Healthy | March 31, 2018
(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”

Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”

[florida80]

I Am Apregnant
Doctor/Physician, England, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018
(I go to the doctor due to being on my period for five weeks. The conversation is fairly routine; he asks if I’ve changed my diet and about what my period is normally like — he seems a bit freaked out when I say it is normally only two weeks — but overall it seems to be going well. He then asks if I could be pregnant.)

Me: “I can very safely say I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Oh? What contraception are you using?”

Me: “Asexuality.”

(Normally when I say that, the doctor just nods and continues with questions, or asks if I want to consider long-term birth control “as a precaution,” but otherwise just drops the subject. This guy lost it, ranting about proper birth control and about how I, a 25-year-old woman, “should know better by now.” No, I don’t know what he meant by that. I let him rant for a few minutes, and when he finally calmed down, I said, “It means I’m a virgin.” He blinked, apologised quietly, and gave me some pills for the actual reason I was there. I left after making a note of his name so I could make a complaint.)

[florida80]

Has No Heart For Others
England, Jerk, London, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(My cousin is sitting in the reception area, waiting for his appointment with the doctor, when a gentleman who is also waiting suddenly has a heart attack. The receptionist screams for help, all the doctors come running, and while they are busy administering CPR, the receptionist calls for an ambulance. The receptionist then prepares to go outside, to guide the paramedics to the right location when they arrive. My cousin, along with all the other patients in the waiting area, keep out of the way to allow the doctors to work on the gentleman… all except one patient, who arrived in the midst of all the chaos, hasn’t registered what is going on — or simply doesn’t care — and is therefore standing at the reception desk, huffing in indignation.)

Patient: “Well, really! Where do you think you’re going? I have an appointment! And I’m in a hurry, so I expect to be seen on time.”

Receptionist: *looks pointedly down at the floor, where the doctors were still administering CPR* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid all the doctors are a bit busy right now, TRYING TO SAVE THIS GENTLEMAN’S LIFE!”

[florida80]

Use Your Head Before You See The Head Injury
Hospital, Jerk, Strangers, USA, Utah | Healthy | March 28, 2018
(One evening, as I am working, I end up standing up and smacking my head against a shelf, leading to a head wound that starts bleeding rather profusely. I clean up a bit and get an old rag to hold over the injury. My manager gets one of my co-workers to drive me over to the ER to get checked out. We arrive, and start to get checked in, when an old man speaks up behind me.)

Old Man: “F****** kid, bumped his head and trying to get attention. Go home, you p****! There are people that actually need to be here!”

(I turned, because I was not quite sure if he was talking to me, revealing the side of my face that had a few streaks of blood down it that I hadn’t managed to clean up. Right as I turned, a new line of blood leaked out and rolled down the side of my face, as well. The old man jumped and actually half-slid out of his seat, before standing up and scurrying over to a chair across the waiting area from where I was. I got checked in, and they confirmed that it was just a typical head wound, no concussion or internal bleeding. As I left, I spotted the old man being let in, and he turned away, beet red. Maybe he’ll learn to not be so quick to judge.)

[florida80]

Morphine Makes You Mellow And Mallow
Hospital, Kentucky, Silly, USA | Healthy | March 26, 2018
(I broke my leg and have just been loaded into the ambulance. The paramedic gives me some morphine. I get a little silly once the drugs kick in.)

Me: *to paramedic* “Oh, you smell so goooooood.”

(Once I get to the hospital, they temporarily sedate me to set my leg. I wake up as they are wrapping my leg in gauze. My leg is puffy and white.)

Me: “Hashtag marshmallow!”

[florida80]

Time To Liquor Your Wounds
Friends, Home, Stupid, USA | Healthy | March 25, 2018
(I just got into a pretty bad car crash. I refuse medical assistance because, well, that’s expensive. I call my boyfriend to help me, and he brings his buddy who always brags about being an ex-Marine medic. In my shock, I keep insisting we go to the home of a friend whose cats I am taking care of, saying that we can’t let them starve. We get there. I’m bleeding everywhere, my face is swelling, and my hand is turning blue for some reason.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll feed the cats. You just sit down. Wait. You need ice. I’ll get ice!”

Buddy: “You need to clean out these cuts. Does your friend have rubbing alcohol?”

Me: “I don’t know. She’s got three bathrooms in this place. Look around.”

(They run around like headless chickens for a minute.)

Buddy: “I don’t see any.”

Me: “There is a store up the road.”

(He disappears and comes back five minutes later, holding a vodka bottle.)

Buddy: “They didn’t have rubbing alcohol. I got this!”

Me: “Where did you go?”

Buddy: “The gas station.”

Me: “And you didn’t notice the drug store on the other corner?! Give me that.” *I take a big swig straight from the bottle* “It will do, but I’m never calling you for rescue again.”

Boyfriend: “What about me?”

Me: “Are the cats fed?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “I’ll call you; just don’t bring him with.”

(And yes, I did clean out my wounds with vodka, because the buddy didn’t want to go out again, and my boyfriend was afraid I would get up the in-shock energy to kill said buddy if we were left alone together. Good times.)

[florida80]

Walk In-Sane
British Columbia, Canada, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, Vancouver | Healthy | March 24, 2018
(I’m a patient sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic. Although I try not to, I overhear the following conversation, as the patient is being extremely loud.)

Patient: “I want to see [Doctor].”

Receptionist: “I’ll see if I can get her for you, but if it’s urgent, we try to send patients in to doctors as they become available, and [Doctor] will be off the clock in twenty minutes. You’ll probably be waiting longer than that.”

Patient: “My friend told me [Doctor] is the best one, and I came on a Thursday because he said she works on Thursdays!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry you were inconvenienced, ma’am. In future, if it’s urgent, please come in right away. All our doctors are fully qualified to help you.”

Patient: “Well, what about next Thursday? Will she be in, then?”

Receptionist: “Again, if you come late in the day, she may not be able to help you.”

Patient: “I can’t come any earlier! I’m at work until five, and I’m sure as hell not going to take time off if you can’t guarantee that I’ll even get to see the right doctor! This is absolutely ridiculous! I’m coming in next Thursday at 5:30, and I expect to see [Doctor]!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, it doesn’t work like that.”

Patient: “Well, why the hell not?!”

Receptionist: “Because asking to see a specific doctor at a specific time is called an appointment, and this is a walk-in clinic.”

Patient: *glares at the receptionist, crumples up her sign-in sheet, and stalks out the
door

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13
Hospital, Illinois, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | March 23, 2018
(I work in a hospital in a mid-sized city as a CNA. We like to refer to our dietary service as “Room Service” for some reason. A patient hits the call light.)

Patient: “I need to talk to you about my diet. Room service won’t let me order hardly anything on the menu.”

(I call down to room service. Apparently, the patient has eggs listed on her allergies in her chart, so naturally, they won’t allow her to order anything with eggs in it. This is kind of a problem at breakfast time. I head back into the room.)

Me: “It seems that our dietary department has eggs listed as one your allergies.”

Patient: *deep sigh* “No, I’m not allergic to eggs. I’m allergic to egg yolks.”

Me: *with a look of confusion on my face* “Um, I’ve never heard of that. What happens when you eat egg yolks?”

Patient: “They make me gag, but I can eat scrambled eggs with no problem. As long as they’re mixed in, they don’t bother me.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s an allergy; I think you just don’t like runny yolks.”

(It took me a full four hours of bugging the nurse and the doctor to change this woman’s diet, because this woman in her sixties didn’t know the difference between allergies and foods she doesn’t like.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12
Health & Body, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Healthy | November 15, 2017
(I’m a manager for a popular casual restaurant. I receive a phone call from an upset customer.)

Caller: “Why don’t you offer allergy menus? My daughter almost died from eating calamari! Why would you serve her something that she is allergic to, and she’s pregnant!”

Me: “I do apologize for your daughter’s condition and we do offer a dozen different types of menus which do include an allergen menu, nutritional menus, large print menus, etc.”

Caller: “How am I supposed to know you have these menus?!”

Me: “Did you ask? Also, if your daughter knew she was allergic to calamari, why would she order it?”

Caller: “She didn’t know she was allergic to it! That’s why I was asking about the allergen menu!”

Me: “Okay, so, if she doesn’t know that she is allergic to calamari, how are we supposed to know?”

Caller: *realizes the paradox* “Well, she’s pregnant and I am really scared.”

(I’m a mom of two.)

Me: “I understand you are scared and when a person is pregnant their body goes through a lot of changes; consult with the doctor and I hope she will be okay.”

(I never got a call back I wonder if she still thinks we should automatically know if someone is allergic to something.)

[florida80]

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
Funny, Patients, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

[florida80]

The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done
Alcohol, Call Center, Emergency Services, Germany, Health & Body | Healthy Right | May 6, 2009
(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

[florida80]

It’s Called Healthyitis
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | April 16, 2009
Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

[florida80]

Flattery, The Best Medicine
Emergency Services, Health & Body, Medication, Respect Your Elders, USA | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”

[florida80]

Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Hospital, Impossible Demands, UK | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008
(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

[florida80]

The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
Health & Body, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

[florida80]

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
Hospital, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only fifty-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke thirty cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

[florida80]

Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death
Hospital, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Patients | Healthy | May 16, 2009
(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

[florida80]

Survival Of The Fittest In Action
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 14, 2009
Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

[florida80]

Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave
Doctor/Physician, Insurance, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 13, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

[florida80]

Less Twilight, More Daylight
Bizarre, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

[florida80]

That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome
Adorable Children, Australia, Awesome, Editors' Choice, Hall of Fame, Health & Body, Inspirational, Melbourne, Photography Studio, Victoria | Healthy Related Right | August 15, 2009
(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done, she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently, the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

[florida80]

The CSR Of Delphi
Books & Reading, Bookstore, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, USA | Healthy Right | August 5, 2009
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [Bookstore]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

Me: “This is the information desk.”

Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

[florida80]

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
Funny, Health & Body, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | July 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

[florida80]

Pint-Sized Purification
Funny, Impossible Demands, Medical Office, Medication, USA | Healthy Right | June 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

Me: “Pediatricians… ”

Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

[florida80]

Loosely Based On A True Story
Dentist, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | October 28, 2009
Patient: “I think there’s something wrong with my tooth.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Patient: “Well, I think it’s loose.”

(The patient suddenly spits his tooth onto the counter in front of me.)

Me: “Yes… Yes, I think you’re right.

[florida80]

They Call Me Doctor DIY
Call Center, Dentist, Doctor/Physician, Editors' Choice, Funny | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009
(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you, doctor.”

[florida80]

If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
Funny, Health & Body, Medical Office, Stupid, Teenagers, USA | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

[florida80]

Getting On Your Nerves
Dentist, Funny, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | September 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”

Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

[florida80]

We Want Your Braaaiiins
Health & Body, Hospital, Math & Science, USA | Healthy Right | September 16, 2009
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

[florida80]

Less Twilight, More Daylight
Bizarre, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

[florida80]

That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome
Adorable Children, Australia, Awesome, Editors' Choice, Hall of Fame, Health & Body, Inspirational, Melbourne, Photography Studio, Victoria | Healthy Related Right | August 15, 2009
(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done, she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently, the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

[florida80]

The CSR Of Delphi
Books & Reading, Bookstore, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, USA | Healthy Right | August 5, 2009
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [Bookstore]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

Me: “This is the information desk.”

Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

[florida80]

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
Funny, Health & Body, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | July 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

[florida80]

Pint-Sized Purification
Funny, Impossible Demands, Medical Office, Medication, USA | Healthy Right | June 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

Me: “Pediatricians…”

Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

[florida80]

The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
Health & Body, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

[florida80]

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
Hospital, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only fifty-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke thirty cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

[florida80]

Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death
Hospital, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Patients | Healthy | May 16, 2009
(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

[florida80]

Survival Of The Fittest In Action
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 14, 2009
Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

[florida80]

Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave
Doctor/Physician, Insurance, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 13, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

[florida80]

Less Twilight, More Daylight
Bizarre, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

[florida80]

That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome
Adorable Children, Australia, Awesome, Editors' Choice, Hall of Fame, Health & Body, Inspirational, Melbourne, Photography Studio, Victoria | Healthy Related Right | August 15, 2009
(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done, she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently, the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

[florida80]

The CSR Of Delphi
Books & Reading, Bookstore, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, USA | Healthy Right | August 5, 2009
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [Bookstore]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

Me: “This is the information desk.”

Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

[florida80]

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
Funny, Health & Body, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | July 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

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Pint-Sized Purification
Funny, Impossible Demands, Medical Office, Medication, USA | Healthy Right | June 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

Me: “Pediatricians… ”

Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

[florida80]

Loosely Based On A True Story
Dentist, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | October 28, 2009
Patient: “I think there’s something wrong with my tooth.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Patient: “Well, I think it’s loose.”

(The patient suddenly spits his tooth onto the counter in front of me.)

Me: “Yes… Yes, I think you’re right.”

[florida80]

They Call Me Doctor DIY
Call Center, Dentist, Doctor/Physician, Editors' Choice, Funny | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009
(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you, doctor.”

[florida80]

If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
Funny, Health & Body, Medical Office, Stupid, Teenagers, USA | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

[florida80]

Getting On Your Nerves
Dentist, Funny, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | September 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”

Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

[florida80]

We Want Your Braaaiiins
Health & Body, Hospital, Math & Science, USA | Healthy Right | September 16, 2009
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

[florida80]

Context Is Thicker Than Blood
Bizarre, Germany, Medical Office, Patients | Healthy | April 13, 2018
(I’m standing at the reception desk of my doctor’s office when suddenly I hear a woman yell:)

Woman: “I don’t have blood anymore!”

(I do a mental double-take since the receptionist seems completely unfazed.)

Woman: “Mrs. [Receptionist]! I don’t have blood anymore!”

(The receptionist looks up, smiling benevolently. Just as I start to wonder what the heck is going on, a female doctor’s assistant walks up to the reception desk, trailed by a courier carrying a sealed box.)

Doctor’s Assistant: “Mrs. [Receptionist], the courier is here; all the blood samples will be sent out now.”

(Finally, it clicked. So, there wasn’t a vampire phlebotomist on the loose!)

[florida80]

Helping Is In Their Blood
Awesome, British Columbia, Canada, Medical Office, Patients, Victoria, Volunteer | Healthy | April 11, 2018
(I donate blood regularly. One time, when they insert the needle, I immediately feel lightheaded for a second or two. Since I have not yet lost more than a few drops of blood, definitely not enough to cause a significant loss of blood pressure, I assume it was just a psychosomatic reaction to having such a large needle inserted, shrug it off, and decide to continue with the draw. A few minutes later, it comes back again, and with a vengeance.)

Me: *raising hand shakily* “Um… Excuse me?”

(I immediately have three technicians surrounding me.)

Technician: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”

(They spring into action, immediately removing the needle. One of them reclines my seat so my feet are elevated above my head, one goes to grab damp cloths, which they drape over every inch of exposed skin I have, and one goes to grab me a juice box to increase my blood sugar. After a while, the seat is returned to its regular position, and they continue feeding me juice. I am eventually allowed to go to the recovery area, with two people escorting in case I pass out on the way. Once I sit down, I call my friend who I was supposed to meet to tell her I’ll be delayed. Partway through the conversation, I hear running steps behind me, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a woman with a very concerned expression, who looks at me for a moment and then laughs.)

Volunteer: “Oh, you’re on your cell phone! I thought you were talking to yourself!”

Me: “Oh, no. I’m just letting my friend know I’m going to be late.”

Volunteer: “Oh, good.”

Friend: “What was that?”

Me: “Oh, the volunteer thought I was talking to myself. Can you imagine that? ‘Oh, great! First he nearly passes out, and now he’s hallucinating!'”

(They eventually let me go, and I was only 30 minutes late to meet my friend. Fortunately, while everything was going on, one of the techs mentioned I had filled most of a bag, and when I asked if it could still be used, he assured me it could.)

[florida80]

Dying For Some Good Service
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | April 9, 2018
(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)

Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”

Nurse: “Yes.”

Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”

Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”

Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”

Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”

Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”

Me & Boyfriend: “…”

[florida80]

The Holy S-pee-rit
Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 8, 2018
(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)

Nurse: “Do you smoke?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”

Me: “Occasionally.”

Nurse: “How often?”

Me: “Once or twice per month.”

Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”

Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”

[florida80]

Abort This Doctor’s Appointment
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 7, 2018
(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem:)

Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”

Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”

Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”

Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”

Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”

(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.)

[florida80]

I’ll Have What She’s Having
Canada, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ontario, Patients, Silly | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I have just woken up from surgery. I look around the room and see my Ob/Gyn, so I decide to start a conversation.)

Me: “Are you real?”

Ob/Gyn: “Yes.”

Me: “I don’t think so! Wait, maybe you’re a ghost.”

Ob/Gyn: “I’m not a ghost.”

Me: “I bet I can stick my hand through you.” *I flop my arm over in his direction and hit him in the side* “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!”

Ob/Gyn: “Do what?”

Me: “Block my hand.”

Ob/Gyn: “Like I said, I’m not a ghost.”

Me: “I knew it! You’re not real; this is all a dream. I think I can control it.”

(At this point, he stops talking and directs my bed into a recovery room. On the way, I hear a beeping sound, probably someone’s heart monitor going off.)

Me: “I did that.”

[florida80]

How Are Flu?
Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA, Virginia | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)

Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”

Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”

(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)

Me: “Well, not good good.”

Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”

[florida80]

But Some Humans Don’t Have Brains
Colorado, Pets & Animals, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(This was heard by my friend who works as a janitor in the vet hospital:)

Customer: “Dogs have lungs?!“

[florida80]

Some Patients Can Be An Arm-ful
Australia, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Perth, Silly, Western Australia | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)

Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”

Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”

(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “All righty, all done.”

(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me:)

Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”

Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”

Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”

(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)

Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”

(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)

[florida80]

Some Business Starts In The Garage
Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, Stupid, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018
(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)

Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”

Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”

(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)

Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”

Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”

Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”

Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”

Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*

Me: “Pooping in the garage?”

Vet: “Pooping in the garage.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018
(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)

[florida80]

Left You Feeling Cold(sore)
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)

Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”

Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”

(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”

Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”

(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)

Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”

Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”

Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”

(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”

Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”

Me: “No, why?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”

Me: “He said my blood was normal.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”

(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)

[florida80]

Opposable Definitions
Pets & Animals, Stupid, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018
(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

[florida80]

A Little Bird Googled Me
Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018
Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

[florida80]

Smoking Is Always A Double Negative
England, Hospital, Nurses, UK, Wordplay | Healthy | March 31, 2018
(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”

Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”

[florida80]

I Am Apregnant
Doctor/Physician, England, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018
(I go to the doctor due to being on my period for five weeks. The conversation is fairly routine; he asks if I’ve changed my diet and about what my period is normally like — he seems a bit freaked out when I say it is normally only two weeks — but overall it seems to be going well. He then asks if I could be pregnant.)

Me: “I can very safely say I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Oh? What contraception are you using?”

Me: “Asexuality.”

(Normally when I say that, the doctor just nods and continues with questions, or asks if I want to consider long-term birth control “as a precaution,” but otherwise just drops the subject. This guy lost it, ranting about proper birth control and about how I, a 25-year-old woman, “should know better by now.” No, I don’t know what he meant by that. I let him rant for a few minutes, and when he finally calmed down, I said, “It means I’m a virgin.” He blinked, apologised quietly, and gave me some pills for the actual reason I was there. I left after making a note of his name so I could make a complaint.)

[florida80]

Has No Heart For Others
England, Jerk, London, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(My cousin is sitting in the reception area, waiting for his appointment with the doctor, when a gentleman who is also waiting suddenly has a heart attack. The receptionist screams for help, all the doctors come running, and while they are busy administering CPR, the receptionist calls for an ambulance. The receptionist then prepares to go outside, to guide the paramedics to the right location when they arrive. My cousin, along with all the other patients in the waiting area, keep out of the way to allow the doctors to work on the gentleman… all except one patient, who arrived in the midst of all the chaos, hasn’t registered what is going on — or simply doesn’t care — and is therefore standing at the reception desk, huffing in indignation.)

Patient: “Well, really! Where do you think you’re going? I have an appointment! And I’m in a hurry, so I expect to be seen on time.”

Receptionist: *looks pointedly down at the floor, where the doctors were still administering CPR* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid all the doctors are a bit busy right now, TRYING TO SAVE THIS GENTLEMAN’S LIFE!”

[florida80]

Use Your Head Before You See The Head Injury
Hospital, Jerk, Strangers, USA, Utah | Healthy | March 28, 2018
(One evening, as I am working, I end up standing up and smacking my head against a shelf, leading to a head wound that starts bleeding rather profusely. I clean up a bit and get an old rag to hold over the injury. My manager gets one of my co-workers to drive me over to the ER to get checked out. We arrive, and start to get checked in, when an old man speaks up behind me.)

Old Man: “F****** kid, bumped his head and trying to get attention. Go home, you p****! There are people that actually need to be here!”

(I turned, because I was not quite sure if he was talking to me, revealing the side of my face that had a few streaks of blood down it that I hadn’t managed to clean up. Right as I turned, a new line of blood leaked out and rolled down the side of my face, as well. The old man jumped and actually half-slid out of his seat, before standing up and scurrying over to a chair across the waiting area from where I was. I got checked in, and they confirmed that it was just a typical head wound, no concussion or internal bleeding. As I left, I spotted the old man being let in, and he turned away, beet red. Maybe he’ll learn to not be so quick to judge.)

[florida80]

Morphine Makes You Mellow And Mallow
Hospital, Kentucky, Silly, USA | Healthy | March 26, 2018
(I broke my leg and have just been loaded into the ambulance. The paramedic gives me some morphine. I get a little silly once the drugs kick in.)

Me: *to paramedic* “Oh, you smell so goooooood.”

(Once I get to the hospital, they temporarily sedate me to set my leg. I wake up as they are wrapping my leg in gauze. My leg is puffy and white.)

Me: “Hashtag marshmallow!”

[florida80]

Time To Liquor Your Wounds
Friends, Home, Stupid, USA | Healthy | March 25, 2018
(I just got into a pretty bad car crash. I refuse medical assistance because, well, that’s expensive. I call my boyfriend to help me, and he brings his buddy who always brags about being an ex-Marine medic. In my shock, I keep insisting we go to the home of a friend whose cats I am taking care of, saying that we can’t let them starve. We get there. I’m bleeding everywhere, my face is swelling, and my hand is turning blue for some reason.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll feed the cats. You just sit down. Wait. You need ice. I’ll get ice!”

Buddy: “You need to clean out these cuts. Does your friend have rubbing alcohol?”

Me: “I don’t know. She’s got three bathrooms in this place. Look around.”

(They run around like headless chickens for a minute.)

Buddy: “I don’t see any.”

Me: “There is a store up the road.”

(He disappears and comes back five minutes later, holding a vodka bottle.)

Buddy: “They didn’t have rubbing alcohol. I got this!”

Me: “Where did you go?”

Buddy: “The gas station.”

Me: “And you didn’t notice the drug store on the other corner?! Give me that.” *I take a big swig straight from the bottle* “It will do, but I’m never calling you for rescue again.”

Boyfriend: “What about me?”

Me: “Are the cats fed?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “I’ll call you; just don’t bring him with.”

(And yes, I did clean out my wounds with vodka, because the buddy didn’t want to go out again, and my boyfriend was afraid I would get up the in-shock energy to kill said buddy if we were left alone together. Good times.)

[florida80]

Walk In-Sane
British Columbia, Canada, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, Vancouver | Healthy | March 24, 2018
(I’m a patient sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic. Although I try not to, I overhear the following conversation, as the patient is being extremely loud.)

Patient: “I want to see [Doctor].”

Receptionist: “I’ll see if I can get her for you, but if it’s urgent, we try to send patients in to doctors as they become available, and [Doctor] will be off the clock in twenty minutes. You’ll probably be waiting longer than that.”

Patient: “My friend told me [Doctor] is the best one, and I came on a Thursday because he said she works on Thursdays!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry you were inconvenienced, ma’am. In future, if it’s urgent, please come in right away. All our doctors are fully qualified to help you.”

Patient: “Well, what about next Thursday? Will she be in, then?”

Receptionist: “Again, if you come late in the day, she may not be able to help you.”

Patient: “I can’t come any earlier! I’m at work until five, and I’m sure as hell not going to take time off if you can’t guarantee that I’ll even get to see the right doctor! This is absolutely ridiculous! I’m coming in next Thursday at 5:30, and I expect to see [Doctor]!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, it doesn’t work like that.”

Patient: “Well, why the hell not?!”

Receptionist: “Because asking to see a specific doctor at a specific time is called an appointment, and this is a walk-in clinic.”

Patient: *glares at the receptionist, crumples up her sign-in sheet, and stalks out the door*

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 11
Restaurant | Right | February 22, 2017
(I work in a southwestern-themed restaurant, and many of our recipes include similar spices, just in different amounts. Onion is one of the most prominent ingredients in our recipes, and we sometimes get a request for ‘no onion’ in certain items. We can make some things, but it’d be pretty much just lettuce, cheese, and any number of fresh chopped vegetables that aren’t onion or mixed with anything that has onion in it. As such, I get this man in line.)

Customer: “I’d like a burrito.”

Me: “Okay, would you like that with or without guacamole today?”

Customer: “With.”

(The guacamole has onion in it.)

Me: “What kind of meat on your burrito?”

Customer: “Chicken.”

(The chicken has onion in the seasoning.)

Me: “Any rice or beans?”

Customer: “Sure, I’ll take [rice with onion in it], and [beans with onion in them].”

Me: “Any grilled vegetables?”

Customer: “Ooh, no, thank you. I’m allergic to onion.”

Me: “Sir… if you’re allergic to onions then I highly suggest you don’t eat this burrito. There is a load of onion in it already.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m only allergic to onion that I can see.”

(Eight years of culinary experience, and this is the first time I’ve heard that excuse. I made him his burrito – leaving off anything with visible onion – and he went on his way. No complaints yet.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 10
Restaurant | Right | September 27, 2016
(I am a cashier at a restaurant. We are a small business and the owners are still working on the perfect way to run the business. A couple walks in and orders at the counter as usual. After finding a table, the woman returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me; do you have any larger chairs? My husband is too large to fit in these.”

(I know we don’t have any, but I go in the back to ask the owner for advice anyway. I return to the counter with no real solution.)

Me: *”No, ma’am. We don’t have any larger chairs; I’m sorry for your husband’s discomfort.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks anyway.”

(She goes back to her table, visibly upset. The husband returns to fill his drink, and I notice he is wearing an adult bib. They eat all their food with seemingly no complaints. They talk for a few minutes, and then the wife returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m having an allergic reaction. Is the manager around?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me go grab the owner for you.”

Owner: “What’s wrong, ma’am ?”

Customer: “My throat is itchy. I’m allergic to something in your food. Could you name the ingredients for me?”

Owner: *names every ingredient in the food she and her husband has eaten*

Customer: “I’m not allergic to any of that.”

Owner: “I’m sorry, ma’am, then you didn’t have an allergic reaction here.”

Customer: *becoming more angry by the second* “I said my throat is itchy and I’m having an allergic reaction! Don’t you care at all about your customers?”

Owner: “Would you like me to call an ambulance?”

Customer: “No! I’m fine! We were just leaving!”

(She pulled her husband out the door. He seemed indifferent to her “allergic reaction.” He even waved to us on the way out.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 9
Sandwich Shop | Right | June 24, 2016
(I work in a busy sandwich shop in a retail centre. It’s relatively quiet when a man and his two sons enter. They are regulars, but are usually rude. The father ignores us and plays with his phone while the kids order.)

Me: “And what salad would you like?”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *reels off salads* “…and onions. And [burger sauce].”

Me: *wraps his sandwich for him and hands it over before moving on*

(A few minutes after the father has paid, he storms back to the counter with Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ’s sandwich.)

Father: “There are onions in here. He cannot eat onions. He is allergic!”

Me: *worried about the allergy* “I’m so sorry! Do you need me to call emergency services?!

Father: “What? No. He’s just allergic!”

Me: *I’m confused, but relieved more than anything* “Okay, I’m very sorry! I’ll make you a new one straight away.”

(I make the new sandwich as before, and ask the boy over to tell me his salad items again.)

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *reels off his salads* “And onion.”

Me: *hesitates* “I’m sorry, but your father asked me not to add onions.”

Father: *from other side of restaurant* “NO ONIONS!”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *sighs* “Fine. But I want the [burger sauce]!”

Me: “I’m afraid that sauce has onions—”

Father: “NO ONION!”

Me: “—is there anything else I can offer you?”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I just want the d*** [burger sauce]!”

Father: *storms up to counter* “He can have the sauce!”

Me: “The [burger sauce] contains onions so I’m not comf—”

Father: “Just give him the sauce!”

Me: *shrugs and puts the sauce on, adding extra when asked before wrapping the sandwich up*

Father: *snatches sandwich before I can bag it* “No onion! Was that so hard to understand?” *storms off again*

(They spent the rest of their meal glaring at me while I worked and left their mess all over the table, including the original sandwich they rejected. When I went to clean up, I find all of the onion had been removed from the sandwich and was nowhere to be seen.)

[florida80]

Pregnant With A New Perspective
Canada, Hospital, Nurses, Ottawa, Patients | Healthy | March 21, 2018
(I have been sent to the radiology department within the ER for an urgent chest x-ray. When the technician asks me if it is possible I am pregnant, I have a mental glitch — I have a language-based learning disability — and my brain takes a good 30 seconds to interpret the question. Since I hesitated, the technician turfs me back to Family Medicine for a pregnancy test. I am upset at having to spend longer in the hospital while sick, as well as the effort to walk across the hospital and back. The nurse administering the test is also upset for having her work interrupted for the test.)

Me: “I tried telling him I would have to have the gestation of an elephant to still be pregnant two years after last having sex.”

Nurse: *annoyed, slamming objects as the test is performed* “Yes, you couldn’t even be on ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ [reality TV show] by this point.”

Me: “And he’s going to throw me in the back of the line, so I’ll wait all over again. I’m on bed rest. I just want to be — and should be — at home, but we have to go through this! So, I took 30 seconds to answer the question, but I answered it! I don’t know why he just didn’t believe my disability.”

Nurse: *still annoyed* “Belief in your honesty has nothing to do with it. He wouldn’t be allowed to interpret; the policy is that anything other than a ‘quick no’ has to be investigated.”

(I pause for a moment as this sinks in. My tone becomes lower and calmer, and my speech slows as this new perspective hits me.)

Me: “I hadn’t thought of that. That makes sense. While he wouldn’t have any reason to believe I’m lying, he also has no ability to know if I am telling the truth, since my disability isn’t on the test request. He probably gets women who hesitate because they are in denial. This policy may annoy a lot, but probably saves a few zygotes from harm.”

(The nurse stops what she is doing for a moment in thought.)

Nurse: *obviously calmer* “Yeah, the policy probably does save those precious few.”

(We’re silent for the rest of the test, but the tension in the air around us has dissipated. The test is negative, and she signs a slip for me to take back to the x-ray technician. I take it and smile at her.)

Me: “Thank you. And I’m sorry about the interruption. I hope you can get back into your rhythm easily.”

Nurse: “Thanks, and I hope they manage to rush you through, and get you back to bed. Feel better!”

(It is amazing the difference perspective can make! And, while the technician had another patient when I arrived, he took me next, and even defended me when people complained I had jumped the line. [“She waited in line before, so she doesn’t have to wait now!”] I got upset for nothing — except the exhausting trek through the hospital!)

[florida80]

Looking After Dogs Is As Easy As Pie
California, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 19, 2018
(When canine patients need a little more fiber added to their diet, the doctor will often advise the owner to add a spoonful of canned pumpkin to the food. One day we get a phone call from an owner to whom we recommended pumpkin.)

Owner: “I ran out of pumpkin pie. Can I use apple pie, instead?”

[florida80]

750,000 Reasons To Quit
Bad Behavior, California, Editors' Choice, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 18, 2018
(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

[florida80]

The Breast Way To Revive Someone
Canada, Health & Body, School, Silly | Healthy | March 16, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am taking a first aid training course as part of a job requirement. Every student in the class is male, and the only female is the instructor.)

Instructor: “Now we’re going to go over Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, or CPR. Let’s go grab our test dummies.”

(The test dummies used for CPR practice are realistic replicas of a woman’s head and torso. A lot of the students feel uncomfortable with this practice, as it involves undressing the dummy and pushing on its chest.)

Instructor: “Come on! You’re all big boys, now. Put some muscle into it! This is literally the only time it’s legal for you to grab an unconscious woman’s boobs!

[florida80]

Should Have “Left” The Slicing To The Experts
California, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | March 15, 2018
(I am using a V-slicer to slice potatoes into French fries to soak overnight before going to bed. I slip while using it and slice open the side of my left hand, all the way to the bone. I manage to wrap it and drive myself to an emergency room — the emergency clinics are all closed for the night — and get stitches. Since I am not an emergency, I have to wait five hours before I am fully treated. After my hand is cleaned, stitched, and bandaged, a nurse brings me some discharge papers to sign. She notices me signing with my left hand.)

Nurse: “Oh, you’re left-handed? I’ve heard that left-handed people are really smart. Is that true?”

Me: “I’m sitting in an emergency room at three in the morning because I sliced my hand open making French fries. What do you think?”

Nurse: *laughs*

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The Insurance Is The Assurance
Florida, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | March 14, 2018
(My spouse is on an organ transplant list. One of the many requirements is that you must always show up to your appointments unless you call with a really good reason. Failure to do so can get you thrown off the list. The transplant coordinator calls me and tells my that my spouse never showed up for an appointment with one of the doctors. I inform her that he most certainly did. He even had to leave a very important meeting at his office in order to do so. But the doctor’s receptionist and nurse told the coordinator that he didn’t show up for the appointment. This goes back and forth between the coordinator, the nurse, the receptionist, and me for over a week. The coordinator knows my husband and doesn’t believe for a second that he just blew the appointment off, but both the nurse and receptionist are adamant.)

Me: “Hey, [Coordinator], the next time you talk to [Receptionist] or [Nurse], tell them I am notifying my insurance company, because I have paperwork that says my insurance company paid out for an appointment, so in that case, the doctor’s office is committing insurance fraud.”

(The coordinator called me back the next day laughing because “all of a sudden” they found the paperwork showing my husband HAD shown up for the appointment. We are, however, changing doctors with the help of the coordinator.)

[florida80]

Totally Crackers About Their Self-Importance
Emergency Services, Hospital, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Montana, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 13, 2018
(I work in an emergency room. It’s late morning when a well-dressed woman of late middle-age registers. She states that she was just in a serious accident and must be seen immediately. Although we know that we hear about serious in-town accidents right away, sometimes a serious accident does occur in the country and the victims may be brought in by private vehicle. They usually have on outdoor-appropriate clothing rather than clean high heels, but we still hustle the patient back quickly. Once in a bed, she relates that the “serious accident” occurred hours ago, in town, at a speed she calls “much less than 20 miles per hour.” She has driven here in the car involved. She gets an exam and a neck x-ray. Then, she complains:)

Patient: “This is taking too long. I am diabetic and haven’t eaten breakfast. You have to feed me.”

(It’s about 11:30 am.)

Me: “What have you been doing since the accident?”

Patient: “I went to see a lawyer first, then came straight to the hospital.”

Me: *sighs* “We’ll get you some crackers and peanut butter.”

Patient: “No, I’m in the mood for an egg salad sandwich.”

Me: *finally had enough* “This is not a restaurant, and we don’t have egg salad sandwiches lying around to give out!”

(She got her crackers and peanut butter.)

[florida80]

It’s A Man’s World Of Pain
Australia, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Victoria | Healthy | March 12, 2018
I have an eight-and-a-bit-month-old child, and I’ve been having some pain during sex, so I book in to see my OB-GYN.

The appointment is really straightforward and I’m told to go get a cream. I also have a birth control rod inserted whilst I’m there. I wander over to the pharmacy and hand over my script. I’m not asked for my Medicare card, but I’m asked if I have concession.

I reply no, with no more thought into the answer. I wait and collect my script and note that I’ve been charged a concession price. Not thinking too much into it, and thinking that I must have one linked to my Medicare card, I pay the $12.80 instead of $50 to $80 for my items and head back across the road.

I get the rod implanted and continue about my day, a bit perplexed how I got charged concession. It’s not until later that night when I’m reading the script again that I realise they’ve put it under the wrong name. I’m a Mrs. [My Name], and they put it under a Mr. [Same Name].

I burst out laughing that they have given a man vaginal cream and contraception, at an OB-GYN.

[florida80]

Totally Crackers About Their Self-Importance
Emergency Services, Hospital, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Montana, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 13, 2018
(I work in an emergency room. It’s late morning when a well-dressed woman of late middle-age registers. She states that she was just in a serious accident and must be seen immediately. Although we know that we hear about serious in-town accidents right away, sometimes a serious accident does occur in the country and the victims may be brought in by private vehicle. They usually have on outdoor-appropriate clothing rather than clean high heels, but we still hustle the patient back quickly. Once in a bed, she relates that the “serious accident” occurred hours ago, in town, at a speed she calls “much less than 20 miles per hour.” She has driven here in the car involved. She gets an exam and a neck x-ray. Then, she complains:)

Patient: “This is taking too long. I am diabetic and haven’t eaten breakfast. You have to feed me.”

(It’s about 11:30 am.)

Me: “What have you been doing since the accident?”

Patient: “I went to see a lawyer first, then came straight to the hospital.”

Me: *sighs* “We’ll get you some crackers and peanut butter.”

Patient: “No, I’m in the mood for an egg salad sandwich.”

Me: *finally had enough* “This is not a restaurant, and we don’t have egg salad sandwiches lying around to give out!”

(She got her crackers and peanut butter.)

[florida80]

It’s A Man’s World Of Pain
Australia, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Victoria | Healthy | March 12, 2018
I have an eight-and-a-bit-month-old child, and I’ve been having some pain during sex, so I book in to see my OB-GYN.

The appointment is really straightforward and I’m told to go get a cream. I also have a birth control rod inserted whilst I’m there. I wander over to the pharmacy and hand over my script. I’m not asked for my Medicare card, but I’m asked if I have concession.

I reply no, with no more thought into the answer. I wait and collect my script and note that I’ve been charged a concession price. Not thinking too much into it, and thinking that I must have one linked to my Medicare card, I pay the $12.80 instead of $50 to $80 for my items and head back across the road.

I get the rod implanted and continue about my day, a bit perplexed how I got charged concession. It’s not until later that night when I’m reading the script again that I realise they’ve put it under the wrong name. I’m a Mrs. [My Name], and they put it under a Mr. [Same Name].

I burst out laughing that they have given a man vaginal cream and contraception, at an OB-GYN.

[florida80]

Trying To Seize Some Sympathy
Delaware, Emergency Services, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pets & Animals, USA | Healthy | March 11, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am in high school, and I come home to one of my two dogs having had a severe stroke. I hold her the entire way to the vet and stay at the office while they put her down. My remaining dog is my favorite dog of all time. One day, around five am, I go downstairs to find him having a seizure. I can’t drive, my parents are at work an hour away, and no vet offices are open around me. I am panicking so badly that I decide to call 911.)

Operator: “You have reached a 911 operator. What is your emergency?”

Me: *through panic and tears* “My dog is having a seizure and I don’t know what to do!”

Operator: “You will have to dial a vet. This is for emergencies.”

Me: “There are no vets open around me! Please tell me what I should do. Is there anywhere I can call? Anyone who can help me?”

Operator: “Look. You need to calm down and just call a vet. This is an emergency service.”

(I ended up hanging up and repeatedly calling my parents until one of them answered. Eventually, an adult arrived and comforted my dog for the three hours until a vet opened. My dog died that day. People still joke about me calling 911 over a dog having a seizure.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 15
Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Emergency Services, Georgia, Revolting, USA | Healthy | March 10, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am a brand new EMT; I’ve had my license less than six months. I am working for a non-emergency transport service that specializes in psych patients. I go to a hospital to pick up a patient going to a mental health facility for a court-mandated 72-hour hold. The nurse advises me that the patient tried to overdose on some pills after a family crisis, but has been calm and cooperative since being in the ER. My partner and I introduce ourselves to the patient, get her on the stretcher, and load her into the ambulance. I begin to assess her.)

Me: “Do you have any pain anywhere?”

Patient: “Yeah, my stomach is hurting from my cycle. Can you give me anything for that?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I cannot give medications.” *pain medication is not within my scope of practice*

(I finish my assessment and start on my patient care report. All the while, the patient continues to complain about her pain. I advise her that I will tell the receiving facility about it as soon as we get there so the doctor can give her something, but in the meantime I get a heat pack out of the cabinet and give it to her with a towel. At about the halfway point of a two-hour trip, the patient announces that she has to use the restroom.)

Patient: “I have real bad diarrhea and I need to go now.”

Me: “Well, I don’t have a bedpan, and we cannot stop, so I need you to hold it.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it.”

Me: *to partner* “Hey, we are in [Town], right? I need you to divert to [Hospital] so I can take her into the ER. She needs to use the bathroom.”

Partner: “Can’t she hold it?”

Me: “She said no, and I would rather not have to deal with the smell.”

Partner: “Okay.”

(We get another five minutes down the road and the patient manages to slip out of all restraints and stands up.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need you to sit on the stretcher and put your seatbelts back on. If we were to get in a wreck or if my partner made a sharp turn you could be hurt.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it anymore. I’m going to s*** my pants.” *begins to undo her pants*

Me: *to partner* “Hey, pull over. She is off of the stretcher and she is about to s*** on the floor.”

Partner: “What?! Put a sheet down first.”

(As I put a sheet down I plead with the patient to reconsider, to no avail. The patient proceeds to force herself to defecate, urinate, and menstruate on the sheet. She does not have diarrhea and definitely could have held it. After the patient finishes, she uses her clothes to wipe herself and sits back down, half-naked, on my stretcher. I cover her with a sheet, re-secure her belts, turn on the exhaust fan, and try not to breath any more than absolutely necessary.)

Me: *to partner* “Hey, I need you to get there fast; I can’t take this.”

(For the next thirty minutes, the patient sits silently on the stretcher. When she realizes her previous attempt for pain meds was unsuccessful, she decides to up the ante.)

Patient: “My stomach is still hurting so bad. Can you please give something now?”

Me: “No. Like I said before, I can’t give pain medications.”

(The patient goes on a rant for several minutes before becoming silent again. Just when I think we might get to the destination without further excitement, the patient puts her fingers in her mouth and causes herself to vomit all over the floor.)

Me: “Seriously? What makes you think this is helping your cause?”

Patient: “Why don’t you just give me something for pain?”

Me: “I am an EMT basic. I can assess you, take vitals, and do CPR. Only a paramedic can give pain medications, and they still would not give you any, because menstrual cramps don’t qualify for narcotics use.”

(The patient continues to complain, but we have no further trouble until we get to the mental health facility. The patient tries to beat up the orderly after they tell her she will have to be seen by the doctor before she can get anything for pain. As we are decontaminating the truck, my partner looks at me.)

Partner: “I have been in EMS for 12 years, and I have to say, that was a first.”

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 14
Australia, Criminal & Illegal, Harassment, New South Wales, Retail, Rude & Risque, Sydney | Right | October 20, 2017
(I am working in a two-storey men’s clothing store. It is almost closing time, and I am the only one working on the bottom floor, when an elderly man shuffles in and approaches me.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh…” *stares at me for a while*

Me: “Yes? Is there anything you were looking for?”

Customer: *continues staring*

Me: *slightly creeped out, but keeps smiling* “Okay, well, let me know if you need anything!”

Customer: *suddenly points to a pair of display pants* “Get me those in XL.”

(I tell the customer to stay while I run upstairs to fetch the requested pants. However, when I come back down, the man’s pants are down and his family jewels are on full display.)

Customer: *still staring creepily at me* “You’re pretty.”

Me: *slowly turns around and goes back upstairs*

(I quit a few days later.)

[florida80]

A Bad Time To Operate On Speculation
Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, Medical Office, Physical, USA | Healthy | May 19, 2022
Like some women, I have issues with pelvic exams and require the smallest speculum available. My previous OBGYN was sympathetic to the issue and had noted this on my chart. Unfortunately, she left the practice and I’m randomly assigned a new doctor. She’s started the exam.

Doctor: “All right, speculum’s going in.”

I can immediately tell that it’s not the small one. I scoot back up the table.

Me: “That’s not the small speculum.”

Doctor: “It’s the smallest one I have.”

Me: “Please go get the smallest one in the office.”

Doctor: “This is what I have, and this is what you’re getting. Come back down here. I’m putting it back in and I’m going to open it. I’ll be fast.”

I scoot back down. She resumes the exam and quickly opens the speculum all the way, causing a VERY sharp pain in a sensitive area. I scream and get off the table.

Doctor: “Get back on the table!”

Me: “Not a chance!”

Doctor: “You’re a grown woman!”

Me: “Get the smallest speculum now!”

We stare at each other for a couple of minutes. Finally, she huffs and pulls something out of a drawer.

Doctor: *In a snotty tone* “This is a pediatric speculum, dear. Smallest one in the office.”

Me: “You did have it! Why the h*** didn’t you use it when I asked?!”

Doctor: “It takes longer.”

Me: “I’m not getting back on that table unless you use it.”

Doctor: “Fine.”

I get back on the exam table and she finishes with no other issues. After she’s done…

Me: “[Previous Doctor] said she put a note on my chart regarding speculum size. Is it not there anymore?”

Doctor: “No, it’s still there.”

Me: “Did you not see it?”

Doctor: “I thought a grown woman could handle a normal exam and speculum like everyone else.”

Me: “So, you disregarded a legit medical note due to your own opinion?”

She has the sense to look ashamed.

Doctor: “Uh… Well, now I know. See you next year!”

Me: “No, you won’t!”

I switched offices the next year. I told my new OBGYN the story, and she was absolutely horrified. She promised me that would not happen at her office, and so far, it hasn’t.

[florida80]

This Customer Should Just Pass Out Of This Store And Into Another
Fast Food, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Jerk | Healthy Right | May 19, 2022
I passed out at work once, right on the front counter. My coworker was trying to revive me and a customer approached.

Customer: “Well, are you going to take my order?”

Coworker: “Sorry, no. My coworker passed out and I’m trying to help!”

Customer: “But you have to take my order!”

My coworker refused. Later, the customer had the nerve to call and complain that he wouldn’t take his order.

[florida80]

Looking After Dogs Is As Easy As Pie
California, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 19, 2018
(When canine patients need a little more fiber added to their diet, the doctor will often advise the owner to add a spoonful of canned pumpkin to the food. One day we get a phone call from an owner to whom we recommended pumpkin.)

Owner: “I ran out of pumpkin pie. Can I use apple pie, instead?”

[florida80]

750,000 Reasons To Quit
Bad Behavior, California, Editors' Choice, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 18, 2018
(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

[florida80]

The Breast Way To Revive Someone
Canada, Health & Body, School, Silly | Healthy | March 16, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am taking a first aid training course as part of a job requirement. Every student in the class is male, and the only female is the instructor.)

Instructor: “Now we’re going to go over Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, or CPR. Let’s go grab our test dummies.”

(The test dummies used for CPR practice are realistic replicas of a woman’s head and torso. A lot of the students feel uncomfortable with this practice, as it involves undressing the dummy and pushing on its chest.)

Instructor: “Come on! You’re all big boys, now. Put some muscle into it! This is literally the only time it’s legal for you to grab an unconscious woman’s boobs!”

[florida80]

Should Have “Left” The Slicing To The Experts
California, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | March 15, 2018
(I am using a V-slicer to slice potatoes into French fries to soak overnight before going to bed. I slip while using it and slice open the side of my left hand, all the way to the bone. I manage to wrap it and drive myself to an emergency room — the emergency clinics are all closed for the night — and get stitches. Since I am not an emergency, I have to wait five hours before I am fully treated. After my hand is cleaned, stitched, and bandaged, a nurse brings me some discharge papers to sign. She notices me signing with my left hand.)

Nurse: “Oh, you’re left-handed? I’ve heard that left-handed people are really smart. Is that true?”

Me: “I’m sitting in an emergency room at three in the morning because I sliced my hand open making French fries. What do you think?”

Nurse: *laughs*

[florida80]

The Insurance Is The Assurance
Florida, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | March 14, 2018
(My spouse is on an organ transplant list. One of the many requirements is that you must always show up to your appointments unless you call with a really good reason. Failure to do so can get you thrown off the list. The transplant coordinator calls me and tells my that my spouse never showed up for an appointment with one of the doctors. I inform her that he most certainly did. He even had to leave a very important meeting at his office in order to do so. But the doctor’s receptionist and nurse told the coordinator that he didn’t show up for the appointment. This goes back and forth between the coordinator, the nurse, the receptionist, and me for over a week. The coordinator knows my husband and doesn’t believe for a second that he just blew the appointment off, but both the nurse and receptionist are adamant.)

Me: “Hey, [Coordinator], the next time you talk to [Receptionist] or [Nurse], tell them I am notifying my insurance company, because I have paperwork that says my insurance company paid out for an appointment, so in that case, the doctor’s office is committing insurance fraud.”

(The coordinator called me back the next day laughing because “all of a sudden” they found the paperwork showing my husband HAD shown up for the

[florida80]

Totally Crackers About Their Self-Importance
Emergency Services, Hospital, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Montana, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 13, 2018
(I work in an emergency room. It’s late morning when a well-dressed woman of late middle-age registers. She states that she was just in a serious accident and must be seen immediately. Although we know that we hear about serious in-town accidents right away, sometimes a serious accident does occur in the country and the victims may be brought in by private vehicle. They usually have on outdoor-appropriate clothing rather than clean high heels, but we still hustle the patient back quickly. Once in a bed, she relates that the “serious accident” occurred hours ago, in town, at a speed she calls “much less than 20 miles per hour.” She has driven here in the car involved. She gets an exam and a neck x-ray. Then, she complains:)

Patient: “This is taking too long. I am diabetic and haven’t eaten breakfast. You have to feed me.”

(It’s about 11:30 am.)

Me: “What have you been doing since the accident?”

Patient: “I went to see a lawyer first, then came straight to the hospital.”

Me: *sighs* “We’ll get you some crackers and peanut butter.”

Patient: “No, I’m in the mood for an egg salad sandwich.”

Me: *finally had enough* “This is not a restaurant, and we don’t have egg salad sandwiches lying around to give out!”

(She got her crackers and peanut butter.)

[florida80]

It’s A Man’s World Of Pain
Australia, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Victoria | Healthy | March 12, 2018
I have an eight-and-a-bit-month-old child, and I’ve been having some pain during sex, so I book in to see my OB-GYN.

The appointment is really straightforward and I’m told to go get a cream. I also have a birth control rod inserted whilst I’m there. I wander over to the pharmacy and hand over my script. I’m not asked for my Medicare card, but I’m asked if I have concession.

I reply no, with no more thought into the answer. I wait and collect my script and note that I’ve been charged a concession price. Not thinking too much into it, and thinking that I must have one linked to my Medicare card, I pay the $12.80 instead of $50 to $80 for my items and head back across the road.

I get the rod implanted and continue about my day, a bit perplexed how I got charged concession. It’s not until later that night when I’m reading the script again that I realise they’ve put it under the wrong name. I’m a Mrs. [My Name], and they put it under a Mr. [Same Name].

I burst out laughing that they have given a man vaginal cream and contraception, at an OB-GYN.

[florida80]

Trying To Seize Some Sympathy
Delaware, Emergency Services, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pets & Animals, USA | Healthy | March 11, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am in high school, and I come home to one of my two dogs having had a severe stroke. I hold her the entire way to the vet and stay at the office while they put her down. My remaining dog is my favorite dog of all time. One day, around five am, I go downstairs to find him having a seizure. I can’t drive, my parents are at work an hour away, and no vet offices are open around me. I am panicking so badly that I decide to call 911.)

Operator: “You have reached a 911 operator. What is your emergency?”

Me: *through panic and tears* “My dog is having a seizure and I don’t know what to do!”

Operator: “You will have to dial a vet. This is for emergencies.”

Me: “There are no vets open around me! Please tell me what I should do. Is there anywhere I can call? Anyone who can help me?”

Operator: “Look. You need to calm down and just call a vet. This is an emergency service.”

(I ended up hanging up and repeatedly calling my parents until one of them answered. Eventually, an adult arrived and comforted my dog for the three hours until a vet opened. My dog died that day. People still joke about me calling 911 over a dog having a seizure.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 15
Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Emergency Services, Georgia, Revolting, USA | Healthy | March 10, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am a brand new EMT; I’ve had my license less than six months. I am working for a non-emergency transport service that specializes in psych patients. I go to a hospital to pick up a patient going to a mental health facility for a court-mandated 72-hour hold. The nurse advises me that the patient tried to overdose on some pills after a family crisis, but has been calm and cooperative since being in the ER. My partner and I introduce ourselves to the patient, get her on the stretcher, and load her into the ambulance. I begin to assess her.)

Me: “Do you have any pain anywhere?”

Patient: “Yeah, my stomach is hurting from my cycle. Can you give me anything for that?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I cannot give medications.” *pain medication is not within my scope of practice*

(I finish my assessment and start on my patient care report. All the while, the patient continues to complain about her pain. I advise her that I will tell the receiving facility about it as soon as we get there so the doctor can give her something, but in the meantime I get a heat pack out of the cabinet and give it to her with a towel. At about the halfway point of a two-hour trip, the patient announces that she has to use the restroom.)

Patient: “I have real bad diarrhea and I need to go now.”

Me: “Well, I don’t have a bedpan, and we cannot stop, so I need you to hold it.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it.”

Me: *to partner* “Hey, we are in [Town], right? I need you to divert to [Hospital] so I can take her into the ER. She needs to use the bathroom.”

Partner: “Can’t she hold it?”

Me: “She said no, and I would rather not have to deal with the smell.”

Partner: “Okay.”

(We get another five minutes down the road and the patient manages to slip out of all restraints and stands up.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need you to sit on the stretcher and put your seatbelts back on. If we were to get in a wreck or if my partner made a sharp turn you could be hurt.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it anymore. I’m going to s*** my pants.” *begins to undo her pants*

Me: *to partner* “Hey, pull over. She is off of the stretcher and she is about to s*** on the floor.”

Partner: “What?! Put a sheet down first.”

(As I put a sheet down I plead with the patient to reconsider, to no avail. The patient proceeds to force herself to defecate, urinate, and menstruate on the sheet. She does not have diarrhea and definitely could have held it. After the patient finishes, she uses her clothes to wipe herself and sits back down, half-naked, on my stretcher. I cover her with a sheet, re-secure her belts, turn on the exhaust fan, and try not to breath any more than absolutely necessary.)

Me: *to partner* “Hey, I need you to get there fast; I can’t take this.”

(For the next thirty minutes, the patient sits silently on the stretcher. When she realizes her previous attempt for pain meds was unsuccessful, she decides to up the ante.)

Patient: “My stomach is still hurting so bad. Can you please give something now?”

Me: “No. Like I said before, I can’t give pain medications.”

(The patient goes on a rant for several minutes before becoming silent again. Just when I think we might get to the destination without further excitement, the patient puts her fingers in her mouth and causes herself to vomit all over the floor.)

Me: “Seriously? What makes you think this is helping your cause?”

Patient: “Why don’t you just give me something for pain?”

Me: “I am an EMT basic. I can assess you, take vitals, and do CPR. Only a paramedic can give pain medications, and they still would not give you any, because menstrual cramps don’t qualify for narcotics use.”

(The patient continues to complain, but we have no further trouble until we get to the mental health facility. The patient tries to beat up the orderly after they tell her she will have to be seen by the doctor before she can get anything for pain. As we are decontaminating the truck, my partner looks at me.)

Partner: “I have been in EMS for 12 years, and I have to say, that was a first.”

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 14
Australia, Criminal & Illegal, Harassment, New South Wales, Retail, Rude & Risque, Sydney | Right | October 20, 2017
(I am working in a two-storey men’s clothing store. It is almost closing time, and I am the only one working on the bottom floor, when an elderly man shuffles in and approaches me.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh…” *stares at me for a while*

Me: “Yes? Is there anything you were looking for?”

Customer: *continues staring*

Me: *slightly creeped out, but keeps smiling* “Okay, well, let me know if you need anything!”

Customer: *suddenly points to a pair of display pants* “Get me those in XL.”

(I tell the customer to stay while I run upstairs to fetch the requested pants. However, when I come back down, the man’s pants are down and his family jewels are on full display.)

Customer: *still staring creepily at me* “You’re pretty.”

Me: *slowly turns around and goes back upstairs*

(I quit a few days later.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 13
Clothing Store, Golden Years, Impossible Demands, Revolting, USA, Utah | Right | October 13, 2017
(It’s a quiet Sunday morning, and I’m the only cashier. An older man who looks at least 70 hobbles up to my register and places a shirt on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to get this shirt, and I was told you could also take the sensor tag off these pants I’m wearing so I can buy them.”

Me: “Uh, the pants you have on right now? They’re from here?”

Customer: “Yes. Trying them on tuckered me out, and the girl in the fitting room said you could remove the sensor tag up here at the register.”

(Our sensor-removers are secured to the counter, and I know for a fact that there’s no way this man could manage holding his leg up to get the sensor tag taken off. I stammer for a moment before remembering an unattached sensor tag remover we used for our express lane on Black Friday months ago.)

Me: “Right! Let me just see if someone can get us the sensor-remover we need.”

(I ask over the radio and receive some confusion over why I would need it, but eventually my manager says she’ll go to the lock box in the back and get it.)

Me: “All right, [Manager] is just grabbing that sensor-remover, and then you’ll be good to go!”

Customer: “But I was told that you could remove the sensor tag.”

Me: “Yeah, we can; it’s just that our normal removers are attached to the counter. [Manager] is grabbing the unattached one right now.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve already stood here longer than I can handle. If I have to go take the pants off, I just won’t buy them.”

Me: “No, it’s all right. The sensor-remover is on its way up right now; don’t worry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was told the sensor could be removed. I won’t buy the pants if I have to go take them off.”

(I’m taken aback by how angry the customer is getting, but thankfully my confused manager arrives at that moment with the unattached remover. I go around the counter and have to crouch down to try and remove the sensor at the bottom of the customer’s pants leg. It’s a tricky process, and I notice the man is balancing on one foot, so I tell him he can put his foot down if it would make him more comfortable.)

Customer: “Actually, I have an open sore on that foot.”

Me: *freezes* “Uh, where is that exactly, so I don’t bump it?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just on the bottom of my foot.”

(With that gross image in mind, I was finally able to get the sensor removed from the pants. I then had to pull all the tags and stickers off of the pants, getting much closer and more touchy-feely with the customer than I would have ever wanted to. He left without so much as a “thank you,” and I promptly took a much needed break to shake off the heebie-jeebies the whole interaction gave me.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 13
Clothing Store, Golden Years, Impossible Demands, Revolting, USA, Utah | Right | October 13, 2017
(It’s a quiet Sunday morning, and I’m the only cashier. An older man who looks at least 70 hobbles up to my register and places a shirt on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to get this shirt, and I was told you could also take the sensor tag off these pants I’m wearing so I can buy them.”

Me: “Uh, the pants you have on right now? They’re from here?”

Customer: “Yes. Trying them on tuckered me out, and the girl in the fitting room said you could remove the sensor tag up here at the register.”

(Our sensor-removers are secured to the counter, and I know for a fact that there’s no way this man could manage holding his leg up to get the sensor tag taken off. I stammer for a moment before remembering an unattached sensor tag remover we used for our express lane on Black Friday months ago.)

Me: “Right! Let me just see if someone can get us the sensor-remover we need.”

(I ask over the radio and receive some confusion over why I would need it, but eventually my manager says she’ll go to the lock box in the back and get it.)

Me: “All right, [Manager] is just grabbing that sensor-remover, and then you’ll be good to go!”

Customer: “But I was told that you could remove the sensor tag.”

Me: “Yeah, we can; it’s just that our normal removers are attached to the counter. [Manager] is grabbing the unattached one right now.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve already stood here longer than I can handle. If I have to go take the pants off, I just won’t buy them.”

Me: “No, it’s all right. The sensor-remover is on its way up right now; don’t worry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was told the sensor could be removed. I won’t buy the pants if I have to go take them off.”

(I’m taken aback by how angry the customer is getting, but thankfully my confused manager arrives at that moment with the unattached remover. I go around the counter and have to crouch down to try and remove the sensor at the bottom of the customer’s pants leg. It’s a tricky process, and I notice the man is balancing on one foot, so I tell him he can put his foot down if it would make him more comfortable.)

Customer: “Actually, I have an open sore on that foot.”

Me: *freezes* “Uh, where is that exactly, so I don’t bump it?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just on the bottom of my foot.”

(With that gross image in mind, I was finally able to get the sensor removed from the pants. I then had to pull all the tags and stickers off of the pants, getting much closer and more touchy-feely with the customer than I would have ever wanted to. He left without so much as a “thank you,” and I promptly took a much needed break to shake off the heebie-jeebies the whole interaction gave me.)

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[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 12
Books & Reading, Library, Rude & Risque, USA | Right | August 22, 2017
(I am a reference librarian at a public library. We get a number of reference questions by phone. In particular, there is one elderly woman who as far as we know has never been in the library, but calls nearly every day to ask a question that is usually related to something in pop culture — for example, the name of an actor on a TV show she has watched. She’s a very sweet lady, so we always do our best to help her. One Saturday afternoon, my supervisor and I are together at the desk in the reference room, which is full of people but still fairly quiet. Anyone in the room could easily hear us on the phone. Our friend calls and my supervisor answers the phone.)

Supervisor: “Oh, hello, Mrs. Smith. How are you? How can we help you today?”

(She pauses to listen and her eyes get huge. She looks at me, looks around the room, and then suddenly GETS DOWN UNDER THE DESK and speaks very quietly into the phone, while I stare in astonishment. A moment later, she re-appears and hangs up the phone.)

Me: *confused*

Supervisor: *whispers* “She’s reading a book and wanted to know what a strap-on is.”

[florida80]

The Kind Of Things You Say After Having Too Many Shots
Funny Kids, Health & Body, Home, Siblings, USA | Healthy | March 9, 2018
Younger Brother: *whining* “Why do we need to get shots?”

Me: “Because they make you feel better.”

Younger Brother: “But don’t the shots make holes in your bones?”

[florida80]

All I’m Getting Is Snake-Eyes
Pets & Animals, Reception, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 9, 2018
(I come home to find that one of my pet snake’s eyes appears to be injured in some way. Since this is my first pet reptile, and I am not sure if this is something that needs immediate attention, I call the veterinary hospital of a very prestigious vet school nearby. Since it’s relatively late in the day, all the vets have left, but there are receptionists on call 24 hours a day.)

Receptionist: “Hi, you’ve called [Vet Hospital]. How can I help you?”

Me: *explains problem with my snake’s eye*

Receptionist: “I see. Is he blinking normally?”

Me: “Um… It’s a snake. It doesn’t have eyelids.”

[florida80]

Seizing Control Of The Schedule
Bosses & Owners, California, Health & Body, Jerk, Los Angeles, Office, Stupid, USA | Healthy | March 8, 2018
(I work Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. My daughter has been having some health issues and recently started having grand mal seizures which require the school to call me to come pick her up. All my coworkers know this. My boss is trying to cover some shifts and asks me:)

Boss: “Can you cover some of the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday shifts?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. My daughter has been having seizures; she had to be picked up Thursday and Friday last week.”

Boss: “So, Friday is the only day you can’t work?”

Me: “No, I don’t have an emergency person to pick her up Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Boss: “So, she’s scheduled to have seizures on every Thursday and Friday?”

Me: “No. We don’t schedule her seizures.”

Boss: “Well, can you schedule them, then? We really need these shifts covered.”

(Best part is, we work in healthcare!)

[florida80]

A Depressing Statistic
Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Psychiatrist, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | March 7, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I have severe ADD and take Ritalin. I have been seeing a psychiatrist every six months for over a decade because it’s necessary to keep my prescription up, but normally we don’t do anything else. He asks me if I’m having side effects, I say no, he asks how school, work, or whatever is going, I tell him, he writes me a new prescription, and we’re done.)

Doctor: “And how are your classes going?”

Me: “Pretty well, except for this one lab where the whole grade is based on group work and my groupmates have disappeared…”

(I’m very frustrated with my classmates, and as I explain the problem with the lab, I start crying.)

Doctor: “Here, take these tissues! I had no idea you were so depressed. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine, and I want you to come back in a week for a follow-up.”

Me: “What? No, I’m just sleep-deprived! Your office is an hour from my house, and you get behind schedule so fast that my mom insists I book an appointment at seven am. I had to get up at 5:30 to be here! I’m a night owl; I get up at 10 or 11 if I don’t have anything I have to do earlier. I always cry too easily when I’m tired.”

(He doesn’t believe me and prescribes the medication, anyway. A week later, I’m back in his office.)

Doctor: “How are you feeling? If we need to, we can adjust the dosage before your next follow-up next week.”

Me: “Fine, like I was before, when I had slept. I know antidepressants take a while to kick in, but I don’t think these are ever going to affect me, because I’m not depressed. And I really can’t afford to keep experimenting with them; you know I don’t have insurance.”

Doctor: “I tried to find the cheapest antidepressants I could. I thought these were only about $10 a bottle.”

Me: “Come here. I want to tell you a secret.”

(He comes closer.)

Me: “You know those nice ladies behind the window in your lobby? They make people give them money before we can talk to you.”

(It had never occurred to him that visiting a psychiatrist every week instead of every six months might be a little pricey! I went off the antidepressants and am fine, as long as I don’t have to get up before dawn. Doctors, I know that lots of people really are depressed and it’s a serious problem, but people also know their own bodies, minds, and situations. It helps to listen.)

[florida80]

Putting A Negative Image On Breeders
Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 6, 2018
(I work as a veterinary technician. We are preparing to perform a blood draw on a dog to test for a specific disease that affects the production of hormones from the adrenal glands. The dog in question is not neutered and is likely used as a show dog.)

Owner: “So, this disease you’re testing for, is it hereditary?”

Me: “Yes, the factors that cause this disease can be passed on in a dog’s genes.”

Owner: “So, like… If he tests positive, would you recommend not breeding him?”

Me: “If he does test positive, then we don’t recommend that you breed him, as there is a chance he could pass the gene onto his offspring.”

Owner: “But it’s only a recommendation, right? I could still breed him, regardless of the results?”

Me: “Sir, as a medical professional, it’s a very, very strong recommendation that you should not breed a dog if it is certain that he has a specific hereditary disease. There is a very high chance he would produce more dogs predisposed to developing the disease. It would also ruin your reputation as a breeder if you did this knowingly. So, let’s just hope he comes back negative.”

(The owner seemed satisfied with the answer, but it troubles me that he was still considering breeding the dog if the test came back positive.)

[florida80]

They’re Actually Allergic To Self-Control
Alcohol, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | March 5, 2018
(I work at an eye institute. One day, my coworker tells me about the following exchange.)

Coworker: “Do you have any allergies?”

Patient: “I’m allergic to whiskey.”

Coworker: “Okay… What kind of reaction did it give you?”

Patient: *completely serious* “It made me throw up.”

Coworker: “…”

[florida80]

Sexually-Transmitted Translation
Doctor/Physician, Hong Kong, LGBTQ, Medical Office, Wordplay | Healthy | March 4, 2018
(I am a foreign college student and I need to see a gynecologist for the first time. I also need to fill out a medical information form that’s all in Chinese.)

Receptionist: “Can you read Chinese?”

Me: “The basics, but I have trouble with medical vocab.”

Receptionist: “Okay, start filling what you can and come back when there’s no line.”

(I do so and the receptionist translates while I answer.)

Receptionist: “Okay, this says, ‘Are you sexually active?’”

Me: *circles yes*

Receptionist: “Okay, and this says, ‘What protection do you use? Check all applicable.’”

Me: “Okay, does it say, ‘dental dam,’ somewhere?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “Um… for oral protection.”

Receptionist: “This is asking what you do to not get pregnant.”

Me: “So, it’s ‘contraceptive, ’ not ‘protection’?”

Receptionist: “Same thing.”

Me: “No… It isn’t. Okay, where does it ask for the gender of my partner?”

Receptionist: “Gender?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sexually active with women, not men.”

Receptionist: *long pause, looks around as if for help* “Then you put, ‘No,’ for sexually active and skip these questions.”

Me: “Don’t you care about me getting STDs?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “It means I can still get STDs, as I’m sexually active, but you want me to put, ‘No,’ for being sexually active.”

Receptionist: *blank stare* “Uh. Let me talk to the doctor.”

(I am not called back for a while, and when I am, it’s for the actual appointment.)

Doctor: “I’m sorry about the form. We never get people like you. Let’s continue.” *hands form back to me*

(I noticed next to the line asking about being sexually active, “lesbian” was written in, in English. She helped me fill the rest of the form, adding — in English — the details it didn’t support, with no further issues.)

[florida80]

Needs To Prescribe Some Anger-Management
Germany, Jerk, Pharmacy | Healthy | March 3, 2018
(I work at a call centre for a German online pharmacy. Unlike other pharmacies, we allow customers to pre-order medicines which requires prescriptions. It should go without saying, but we’re not allowed to ship orders that contain a prescription, until the original is sent to us by a postal service. There are also no shipping costs for our customer, if there is a prescription.)

Me: “Your [Pharmacy]. You are speaking with [My Name].”

Customer: “I placed an order last week at your store and it still hasn’t arrived. Where is it?”

Me: “Oh, that doesn’t sound so good. Could you please tell me your order number?”

(The customer doesn’t have it, so I search for her by name. It takes me a while to find her, as she has a very common name and doesn’t want to give me her postal code.)

Me: “Ah, there we have you. I’m afraid your prescription for [Medicine] hasn’t arrived yet.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I do not need a prescription for that order! Send them to me at once!”

(I try to stay cool.)

Me: “Ma’am, [Medicine] requires a prescription, by law. We cannot deliver this order until we have the original prescription.”

Customer: “Then you should at least have told me so!”

Me: “Our online store has classified this item as one that requires a prescription. You have also received an order confirmation that asks you for your prescription.”

Customer: “No, I never received a confirmation, so don’t dare lie to me!”

Me: “Uh… Ma’am, I do not understand; you received the confirmation on [date and time].”

Customer: “No, I never did; I’ll show you!”

(I can hear her typing and the sound of a mail program opening. She waits for a moment, and then she starts mumbling to herself.)

Customer: “’Dear Mrs. [Name], thank you for your order. Please send us your your original prescription by mail, so we can continue with that order.’”

(The customer wheezes angrily.)

Customer: “This is way too complicated with your store! Other pharmacies will send them to me immediately!”

Me: “Ma’am, even other pharmacies have to wait for your prescription, as [Medicine] requires one.”

Customer: “I will never order at your store ever again! I’ve never been insulted this badly in my entire life!”

(The customer called the next day. She made a new order without the prescription and asked if that was all right.)

[florida80]

Isn’t Used To This Kind Of Treatment
Canada, Hospital, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Ontario, Toronto | Healthy | March 2, 2018
(I volunteer in the emergency room of a very large hospital. I’ve volunteered in other departments as well, so I’m quite familiar with the layout. I notice a woman wandering around looking lost, so I greet her and ask if I can help her find where she’s going.)

Patient: “Yeah, I have some questions about some medical treatment I’m going to be receiving.”

Me: “Sure. Which department do you need?”

Patient: “I’m not telling you my personal medical information!”

Me: “You don’t have to, ma’am. I only need to know the category of treatment so I know where to direct you.”

Patient: “Isn’t there some kind of central information desk?”

Me: “Yes, but you’ll have to tell them the same thing.”

Patient: “Well, my medical information is confidential. Just tell me where I can get my questions answered.”

Me: “In order to do that, I need some idea of what you’re here for.”

Patient: “This is a very disorganized hospital.” *walks away*

(I probably should have just directed her to Psych.)

[florida80]

Your Timing Is Just Sick
Bosses & Owners, Health & Body, Jerk, Office, The Netherlands | Healthy | March 1, 2018
(It is evening. I feel I am getting the flu, and that it won’t be better in the morning. I let my team manager know that I will call in sick tomorrow. I stay home for two days and show up at work again. In the stand-up meeting, my manager addresses me.)

Manager: “[My Name], I want to talk about how you called in sick recently. It’s a pity you did so in the evening. It was too early. You should have waited until the morning, like always, and decided then.”

(Everyone in the circle nods and sighs.)

Me: “I don’t understand. I mean, it is good to know it up front, so you can plan ahead with my colleagues.”

Manager: “No, that is not how it works. You showed yourself weak by calling in early. Never do that again.”

(As a result, from then on, those few days a year I was actually sick, I always waited until at least eleven in the morning until I called in, despite HRM wanting to know it as soon as possible every day.)

[florida80]

A Cavity Search
Dentist, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, USA | Healthy | February 27, 2018
(I’ve been visiting the same dentist for about five years, and never had any issues. I’m also over thirty and have never had a cavity, so I consider myself fortunate. I go in for my six-month cleaning and let him know that as a result of a new job, I’ll be moving to a town about an hour away.)

Me: “So, this is the last time I’ll see you!”

Dentist: “Oh, we’ll miss you!”

Me: “I’ll miss you guys, too.”

Dentist: “You know, you could keep coming here. It’s not like we’re that far away, and you’ll be in town to visit your parents, since they live nearby.”

Me: “Um… Well, no, I think I’d like to find a dentist closer to where I’ll be living. You know, just in case I have an emergency.”

(The dentist tries for a few more minutes to convince me to keep visiting him, before giving up. He’s finally done with the exam.)

Dentist: “Oh, bad news. You have eleven cavities.”

Me: *completely shocked* “ELEVEN? Did you say eleven cavities? As in ten plus one?”

Dentist: *sorrowfully* “Yes. Eleven. You’ll need to get those filled right away. Let’s go up front and have my receptionist schedule the first appointment; I think we should do at least two, one side of your mouth and then the other…”

Me: *interrupting* “Wait a minute. I’ve never even had one cavity in thirty-one years! I brush and floss three times a day. You’ve always said how great my teeth look. Six months ago you said everything was fine, and now I have eleven cavities?”

Dentist: “I know. It’s very bad. Come on. Let’s get your next appointment scheduled and [Receptionist] can tell you out-of-pocket costs.”

Me: “You know, I think I’m going to hold off and get a second opinion on this. No offense, but it just seems really extreme. One or two, maybe, but eleven?”

(The dentist was adamant that I needed to get it taken care of right away, but I didn’t budge, and left without making a follow-up. I moved to my new town and found a great dentist who was surprised when I told him my last dentist found eleven cavities. He didn’t find any! Ten years later, I’ve still never had one. The worst part was that a friend of mine worked for that shady dentist; I had to call and tell him what happened and he was so embarrassed. He quit a few months later.)

[florida80]

Treat The Family Betta
Medical Office, Nurses, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Healthy | February 26, 2018
(I’m the customer in this story. It’s my first day at a new doctor, so they’re asking me standard questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have any pets?”

Me: “Yes. I have eight of them.”

Nurse: “What kind?”

Me: “Three cats, three dogs, and they probably don’t matter, but I also have a goldfish and a betta.” *pause* “Oh, wait. Actually, I have nine. I just remembered that I have a little sister.”

(The nurse laughed for a good minute and a half before she could continue her questions.)

[florida80]

Now You’re Just Being Cilly
California, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, Money, USA | Healthy | February 25, 2018
(I have gone to see my new doctor because I have pneumonia.)

Doctor: *after looking at my xrays* “Yeah, that’s pneumonia. I’m going to prescribe you amoxicillin.”

Me: “I’m allergic to the penicillin family. Isn’t that in my chart?”

Doctor: “Yeah, it is… How allergic exactly are you?”

Me: “Allergic enough that I don’t want to risk it?”

Doctor: “I’m just trying to save you money! The other one I can give you is really expensive.”

Me: “More expensive than a hospital stay because of an allergic reaction?”

Doctor: “I’m just trying to save you money. No need to get defensive!”

Me: “I just want to go home and back to bed; just give me my prescription and let me worry about the costs!”

(She grudgingly gave me my prescription, muttering the entire time about how she was just trying to save me money and how ungrateful I was. The non-penicillin medication cost me $15.)

[florida80]

That Pretty Much Covers It
Home, Parents/Guardians, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | February 24, 2018
(My mother is in her sixties, and while not incredibly vain, she can’t help but be a little interested in various plastic surgical procedures. Since she has gotten to know a plastic surgeon through the ballroom dance club she helps run with my dad, she goes to his office one day for a consultation. I happen to call her the afternoon after her appointment. Also note that my three siblings and I were all born via medically necessary C-sections, and my mom is ten years in remission for a mild form of lymphoma.)

Me: “So, how did it go?”

Mother: “It was fine. But I have to tell you, I don’t think this is for me.”

Me: “Oh? What makes you say that?”

Mother: “Probably the fact that I’m not in the mood to have a more extensive medical procedure just to look pretty than I did to beat cancer or have four children!”

(I have no problem with anyone who chooses to have plastic surgery — it’s your body, after all — but I couldn’t fault my mom’s rationale, and it did make me laugh. Just one of the many reasons I love this lady so much!

[florida80]

Scarred By Your Parents
Hospital, Jerk, Nurses, Parents/Guardians, USA, Washington | Healthy | February 23, 2018
(I’m a nurse. I’ve been assigned to a young girl who just had emergency surgery to save her life. She has a long incision down her stomach, which will end up as a scar. Her parents come to me about a week after the surgery, but before the wound has closed or the staples have been removed, clearly upset.)

Father: “When are we going to talk about reducing that scar?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your daughter has barely started to heal. Let’s get her healthy before we worry about appearances.”

Father: “Excuse me? It’s bad enough she has [large birthmark]; now you’re going to add this, too?”

Mother: “What about covering it in Vitamin E oil?”

Me: “Ma’am, right now we’re worried about infections and how well she’s healing. We can talk about—”

Father: “No! You will fix her now!”

(I made up something about talking to the doctor about it and left. I truly pity this child, if that was their concern.)

[florida80]

Impossible To Bring Them Up-To-Date
Medical Office, Stupid, Texas, USA | Healthy | February 23, 2018
(I work at a disability law office and part of my job is to send out requests for medical records for our clients. We routinely get calls from the records departments of the doctors and hospitals we deal with, saying they don’t have the records requested. My favorite, though, is one from a clinic down the road whose record keeper has worked there for over five years. This conversation leaves me stunned to this day.)

Employee: “Hi, this is [Employee] from [Clinic], calling about the medical request you guys sent us. It says here you’re needing records from May 6th, 2016 to present date. What is present date?”

Me: “Um, present date would be now. Today.”

Employee: “Oh. Well, we don’t have any records for May 6th.”

Me: “Okay. What about after that? The client said she had been there three times since we last requested records. Was she there June 4th?”

Employee: “Let me check. Yeah, she was here.”

Me: “Okay, what about August 12th and September 17th?”

Employee: “Yeah, we have records for those days, but we don’t have any for May 6th.”

Me: “That’s fine. We just need any records that are there between May 6th and now.”

Employee: “But there aren’t any records for May 6th. She wasn’t here that day. There’s no records I can give you.”

Me: “No. Look: she was there on May 5th, okay? That’s the last date of service we got here in our records. So, we are sending for records from the day after May 5th, which is May 6th, all the way up to now. We need any records the doctor put in there within that time frame. It doesn’t have to be on May 6th, just anything after that time that’s there, okay?”

Records: “Okay… She wasn’t here after May 6th, though.”

Me: “You just told me that she was there in June, August, and September!”

Records: “Yeah, she was here on those days.”

Me: “Then, clearly, I need those records, since they are all after May 6th!”

Records: “Oh. Oh! You need all the records between the dates of May 6th and today?”

Me: “Yes, that is what I need!”

Records: “Okay, I’ll have them done today and brought over to you.”

(It took her another month to get us the records, and the clinic is right down the road.)

[florida80]

Literally The Walking Dead
California, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Silly, USA | Healthy | February 22, 2018
(When I am 20, I trip over a log and twist my ankle. It never heals right, and for years I have pain every time I take a step, stood, or put any weight on my leg. When I am 25, I get medical insurance, and my doctor sends me to a specialist to look at my ankle. It’s December, and this my first meeting with the specialist. The doctor comes in and pulls out the MRI of my ankle. He looks at it and then looks over at me. Then, he looks back at the MRI, and then back at me, with a small crease forming between his eyebrows.)

Doctor: “How do you even walk?”

Me: “Painfully?”

Doctor: “Yeah, you would have been better off breaking your leg. There is a bunch of scar tissue wrapped around the tendons in your ankle, but the real problem is your ankle bone.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Doctor: “It’s pretty much no longer there.” *he shows me my MRI* “You see that spot on your ankle, the size of a quarter? That is the part of your ankle that is missing.”

Me: “Well… That seems… bad.”

Doctor: “Yeah, if you hit it hard enough, you could just shatter the entire thing.”

Me: “So, what are my options?”

Doctor: “We can either take bone from your hip and use it as a filler to fill the hole, or we can use cadaver bone. I recommend using cadaver bone so that we don’t further damage your skeleton. Unlike organs, we don’t need to really worry about rejection or shortage. Bones are good for up to five years after donation. “

Me: “Ooh, I can be part dead person?”

Doctor: “Yes, we can use cadaver bone.”

Me: “I want dead person!”

Doctor: “Cadaver bone.”

Me: “What is the difference between dead person and cadaver bone?”

(The doctor just looks at me for a minute and then starts to laugh.)

Doctor: “Nothing. Nothing is the difference.”

Me: “I’m going to be part zombie!”

(From then on, he called it dead person bone. I was scheduled to have the surgery at the end of January, but he called me the first week of January to tell me he had found me a fresh dead person to use, instead; apparently, it takes better. So, we moved up my surgery. It’s been eight years now, and I’m virtually pain-free thanks to a wonderful person and their family, who looked past a tragic time in their lives and thought to help others. I like to use my ankle to help start conversations on the importance of donation, and I have let my family know to please donate all parts of me that they can. I hope that one day I get to help someone be part zombie, too.)

[florida80]

Usually The Other Word Autocorrects To Duck
Farm, Montana, Non-Dialogue, Wordplay | Healthy | February 22, 2018
My friend has talk-to-text and it is generally okay. Or at least, we’ve all become good at translating. One day we had a limping duck that had a swelling on her foot. Knowing it could be bumblefoot, which is possibly life-threatening even if treated aggressively and quickly, we took a picture of it and sent it to the vet with the following text…

Text: “Dr. [Vet], the following picture is our duck’s foot. We are concerned it might be bumble f***. Please advise treatment. We can get her to the office this afternoon, if needed.”

[florida80]

You Need The Nurses To Come Back
Arkansas, Hospital, Nurses, Silly, USA | Healthy | February 21, 2018
(My husband is admitted to the local Veterans Administration hospital for heart problems. After hours in the ER, he finally gets a bed on the ward. His nurse comes in to introduce himself, check my husband’s vitals, retake history, and so on.)

Nurse: “Is there anything else I can get for you, sir?”

Me: *knowing what’s coming, I silently plead* “Oh, no… Not again.”

Husband: “Yes. Two weeks vacation, a raise, some sanity, and winning lottery tickets, please.”

Nurse: *dryly* “Sorry, sir. You’ll have to see the Travel and Disbursement clerk for those.”

(My husband has been replying that to ANYONE who asks him if they can get him anything — waitstaff, clerks, medical personnel, etc. — for the entire 30 years I have known him. This is the first time I have heard a really good comeback.)

[florida80]

Your Cold Is Not Worth Braving The Cold
Jerk, Medical Office, New York, USA | Healthy | February 21, 2018
(I work for a small general practitioner’s office, running the front desk. On this particular day we are having a bad snow and ice storm, leading to a lot of accidents. One doctor calls in that she just isn’t coming in, and the other doctor decides that we will be closing early for the day. The following patient calls in. This is the middle of a very bad flu season, so we are swamped with sick patients.)

Patient: “Good morning. I was hoping to see the doctor today for a cold. It’s not bad but I want to make sure it’s not leading to anything.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we are closing early today because of the weather, but I can put you in tomorrow morning first thing.”

Patient: “What do you mean you’re closing early? I took off today because of the snow, and I decided to see a doctor. Well, fine. If you’re not going to see me, I’m going to an urgent care.”

Me: “That may be your best bet to be seen today, sir. If you would like to come in tomorrow, don’t hesitate to call us.”

Patient: “I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t stay open for me.” *click*

Me: *looking out the window and hearing the radio reports of several large car accidents, to my coworker* “If he called out of work because of the bad weather, why would he expect us to risk our lives for his cold?

[florida80]

Bag That One For Later
Health & Body, Junior High School, Nurses, Pennsylvania, Revolting, Students, USA | Healthy | February 20, 2018
(Both the flu and a stomach bug have been going around my sister’s school and about a quarter of the population ends up sick. She ends up going to her nurse with the stomach bug after throwing up in the hallway, and my dad has just come to pick her up.)

Nurse: “Here’s a bag for the car ride home, in case you have to throw up again.”

(A random kid runs in from the hallway, grabs the bag from her hands, and throws up in it.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ll get you another bag and throw this one away.”

(This repeated two more times with another student who was already in the nurse’s office and one of the history teachers, before my sister finally got her own bag to go home with. We’re all surprised they didn’t just quarantine the entire school at that point.)

[florida80]

Time To Exterminate That Joke
Funny Names, Medical Office, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | February 20, 2018
(This is my first time at a clinic with more than one doctor, and we’re not sure which one will see me.)

Me: “This is going to be fun. Who’s going to be my doctor?”

Dad: “Doctor Hu?”

Me: “Yeah, who?”

Dad: “You can say you saw Doctor Who when you actually mean Doctor Hu!”

Mom: “I’m sure Doctor Hu is sick of this. He has to know by now.”

Dad: “He’s Chinese; he’s not going to know.”

Mom: “I’m sure he does.”

(I do end up being seen by Doctor Hu.)

Dad: *big grin, with a singsong voice* “Doctor Hu.”

Doctor Hu: *frowns* “No Doctor Who jokes, please.”

Mom: “Exactly.”

Me: “Sorry.”

[florida80]

You Can’t Just Take It On The Chin-Chilla
Germany, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pets & Animals, Vet | Healthy | February 19, 2018
(It’s a Saturday evening. We are at home trying to have a relaxed evening when our chinchilla starts having a seizure. She has had them before; her liver is severely damaged because of pain medication she was on some years before. Our vet told us that if she had a seizure again, we would have to put her to sleep. Because the cramps stopped after about an hour and a half the last time this happened, we decide to wait and hope she’ll get better soon. But after two hours pass and there is no foreseeable recovery, we decide with a heavy heart that this will be her last evening. Because we don’t feel too comfortable driving to a vet with a wriggling chinchilla in our hands, we start looking for an emergency vet who does home visits, to have her put to sleep. I find one and give the telephone number to my dad. He puts the phone on loudspeaker so we can help him explain.)

Vet: “[Vet].”

Dad: “[Dad] speaking. Good evening. We are having problems with our chinchilla. It is having—”

Vet: *interrupting* “I’m not handling emergencies anymore. Call [Animal Clinic], instead.”

Dad: “They don’t offer emergency services anymore. Please, we just need to have it—”

Vet: *interrupting again* “Go and call [Animal Clinic]. Good night.” *hangs up*

(We just looked at each other in disbelief. Desperate to relieve our poor pet, we had no other choice but drive over 20 miles to a different vet that had emergency services, in the middle of the night, in a snowstorm, with a severely cramping chinchilla in our hands. To this day, I can’t believe that a vet, who explicitly offers emergency services on both his website and answering machine, refused to even listen to what we wanted.)

[florida80]

A Vision Of Incompetence
Chicago, Doctor/Physician, Illinois, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | February 18, 2018
(I am a college student. I have learned of a summertime job, as a “gopher” — office boy — with a local railroad. I arrive at the office where I receive initial training in my duties, and then I am given a piece of paper — ordering a pre-employment physical — that I am supposed to take to the railroad’s doctor’s office. Since I recently passed my college physical, I have no qualms about the pre-employment physical. I drive to the doctor’s office. I note that the waiting room is empty, and there seems to be nobody around.)

Me: “Hello, is anybody here?”

Nurse: *a few minutes later, while eating an apple* “The doctor is out having lunch. What do you need?”

Me: “I am here for a [Railroad] physical.”

Nurse: *chomps on apple* “Okay. I can start that. Sit in the exam chair, and read the eye chart on the wall.” *chomp*

Me: “Do you want me to do that with my glasses on or off?”

Nurse: *chomp, chomp, long pause* “Um, take your glasses off.”

Me: “Should I do this with both eyes open?”

Nurse: *chomp* “Um… Take this thing and cover your left eye.”

Me: “Okay… E.”

Nurse: “Can you read any more?”

Me: “No, I am near-sighted, but my distance vision is 20/20 or better with each eye with my glasses on.”

Nurse: *another long pause, throws away apple core* “I hear the doctor. You must see him now!”

(I then put my glasses on and walk out to the waiting room, where the doctor is apparently reading my physical report. The doctor takes out a pencil with red lead at one end and blue at the other…)

Doctor: “What color is this?” *making a red line on the back of my physical report*

Me: “Red.”

Doctor: “And what color is this?” *making a blue line on the same piece of paper*

Me: “Blue.”

Doctor: “Okay, you can go home now. The railroad will call you later.”

(A day goes by, and I get a call from the railroad.)

Railroad Guy: “Sorry, we can’t hire you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Railroad Guy: “You failed your physical. You can’t see well enough to work here.”

Me: “My vision is corrected to 20/20 in each eye, but the nurse never checked that.”

Railroad Guy: “Maybe so, but you could be hit by a train if your glasses fell off while you were crossing the tracks.”

(I guess I never was qualified to be “workin’ on the railroad,” but I got a better summer job soon after, and not all was lost.)

[florida80]

The Hippokkkratic Oath
Bigotry, Hospital, Instant Karma, Nurses, USA | Healthy | February 17, 2018
(I work at a detention center, and we are holding two big-name KKK leaders. Both were on TV after their arrest, since they have supposedly attacked one of their own. One of them has to be taken to the hospital for something and he has two male officers escorting him. They are seen in the ER by a tiny nurse.)

Nurse: “Mister… [Inmate]?”

Inmate: “Yeah?”

Nurse: “I see one of your vaccines hasn’t been updated; did you want to take care of that?”

Inmate: “Yeah, why not? The state’s paying for it.”

(The nurse starts humming as she prepares the injection and then proceeds to clean a site on his leg.)

Nurse: “Ready?”

Inmate: “Go for it.”

(The nurse suddenly stabs the needle into his leg, making both the officers cringe in sympathy as the man howls.)

Nurse: “There we go! All done.”

Inmate: “What kind of nurse are you?”

Nurse: “A loving Christian woman who doesn’t judge one’s skin color.”

(It was then that the inmate realized she had seen his face on the six o’clock news.)

[florida80]

You Could Be Having A Ball
Doctor/Physician, Edinburgh, Hospital, Rude & Risque, Scotland, UK | Healthy | February 16, 2018
(I am about to have a vasectomy, under a local anaesthetic. The female surgeon and I having been making general chat, and she now approaches with the needle to inject me with the anaesthetic.)

Me: “No jokes about ‘just a little prick’?”

Surgeon: “I’m not allowed to… anymore.”

[florida80]

Has A Sudden Lens Flare
Cape Town, Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, South Africa | Healthy | February 15, 2018
(I have just moved to a new area, and I decide to try out the local optometrist to get new contact lenses. I book the appointment, and the doctor asks me to come in with my current prescription and their respective casings. The day of the appointment, I wake up with the most horrible stomach pain, but I decide to suck it up and go to the appointment. The doctor is very cheerful and friendly. She asks if I’m currently wearing my lenses while she looks at my old prescription, and I tell her I am. A few minutes into my eye test, she sighs in wonder.)

Doctor: “I don’t understand why your previous doctor has you on such a high prescription! You should be on a -1, at most!”

(I’m quite taken aback, as my previous doctor in my hometown is one of the most acclaimed optometrists in the country, and I have been wearing -3 prescription lenses for over a year without any problems.)

Me: “That’s really weird. I’m blind as a bat without these lenses. Even when I started wearing glasses, I was at least a -2.”

Doctor: “You shouldn’t be able to read this chart at all with your eyes. I’m really not sure what’s going on here.”

Me: *pause* “You are aware I’m still wearing my lenses, right?”

Doctor: “…”

Me: “…”

(Turns out we were having such a nice chat that she’d completely forgotten to ask me to take them out, and I was so focused on my stomach pain that I hadn’t thought to ask. We had a good laugh about it, and the rest of the test went smoothly! She’s one of the nicest doctors I’ve been to in a long time, and she gave me a good chuckle on a bad Monday morning!)

[florida80]

Seriously Off Her Meds
Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Massachusetts, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | February 14, 2018
(I’m a pharmacist at a small, but very busy, chain store. I am working the register along with one of the technicians, due to us being understaffed.)

Me: “Hi! How are you doing today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Israel!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Israel!”

(At the pharmacy register, in order to pick up a prescription, we must be provided with the first and last name, along with the date of birth.)

Me: “Is that your name, ma’am?”

Customer: “Israel!”

Me: *getting frustrated since there is a line behind her going up two aisles* “May I please have your name?”

Customer: “Israel! My name is Israel!”

Me: “Okay, thank you. May I please have your last name?”

Customer: “Israel!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I misunderstood. I thought your first name was Israel. Could I please have your first name, then?”

Customer: “Israel! My name is Israel! What do you not understand? This is ridiculous! I demand to speak to the pharmacist!”

Me: *trying not to scream* “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I am the pharmacist. I just need your first and last name in order to view your profile. Could you please give me your first name followed by your last?”

Customer: *she is now screaming at this point* “This is unbelievable!”

(She looks at the people in line behind her for support. They all give me a sympathetic look, instead.)

Customer: “From now on, I’m taking my business to [Other Retail Chain Pharmacy]!”

Me: “I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. Could I please have your first and last name, in order to speed up the transaction? We are quite busy today.”

Customer: “Israel! My name is Israel! Israel [Last Name].”

(Now that I finally have her first and last name in the system, I am prompted with the screen that asks for the date of birth.)

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. And could I have your date of birth, please?”

Customer: “What kind of pharmacy is this?! What will you want next? My social security number?!”

Me: “That won’t be necessary, ma’am.”

(By this time, the technician at the register next to me has gone through about three patients, while I am still with this lady.)

Customer: “My birthday is [date]!”

Me: “All right, thank you. It looks like we have three prescriptions ready for you. Let me go get those for you.” *I fetch the prescriptions and finish the transaction fairly normally* “All right, ma’am. Before you leave, do you have any questions about the medications?”

Customer: “Yes. I would like to speak to the pharmacist!”

Me: “I am the pharmacist, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “I can assure you that I am, in fact, the pharmacist, ma’am.”

Customer: *all disgruntled* “Well… Well… I want to speak to the pharmacist who was here yesterday! Where is he?!”

Me: “That was our other pharmacist.”

Customer: “Well, I demand to speak to him! Go fetch him!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. He isn’t here today.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I have nothing but trouble at this store!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you feel that way, ma’am. I can answer any questions that you have about the medication, though.”

Customer: “No! I’ll just die! No one can tell me how to take this medication! You don’t even have a pharmacist here! I’m going to die because of your incompetence!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I’ve said, I am the pharmacist, and I would be more than happy to walk you through the proper way to take your medications. If you would like, you can come back tomorrow, too, and the other pharmacist will be here.”

Customer: “Fine! Show me, since you think I’m too stupid to take my own medications!”

Me: “I never said you were too stupid, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, you did! But whatever. Show me!”

(I instructed the lady on how to take her medications, and she finally walked away. Shortly after, the store manager came down to the pharmacy asking what happened. I asked what he was referring to and he stated that a lady was complaining that I “verbally and mentally abused her.”)

[florida80]

Water Difference That Makes
Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Nurses, Teenagers, USA | Healthy | February 13, 2018
(I am a medical lab scientist. I receive a urine sample from the ER to test only for drugs, marked as belonging to a fifteen-year-old boy. The sample is quite clear — if someone is really hydrated that can happen — and it’s cold. We usually receive urine still warm, but sometimes it sits while they decide if they want to test it for anything. It’s negative for all the street drugs we test for. I release the results and then, a bit later, I get a call from a nurse.)

Nurse: “Hi. I was just wondering about the drug screen for [Patient].”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Nurse: “Well, it was cold when he gave it to me, and I just don’t quite believe it’s negative. Is there anything you could do to find out if it was water?”

(I think for a moment and come up with a few fast things that I could do to find out whether or not it is water.)

Me: “Yeah, let me grab it and try something.”

(I do a really quick test and come up with something you would not expect for pee.)

Me: “Either this kid is in very severe kidney failure, or this is water.”

Nurse: “Thank you. I just graduated and passed my boards, so I’m still learning knowledge-versus-wisdom. Now I know when I feel like the urine feels cold, I should do something about it.”

Me: “Did you want me to credit those charges?”

Nurse: “Yes. We will be recollecting. And there will be a male care tech going in that bathroom with him.”

Me: *laughing* “I would imagine.”

(Once I get off the phone, I do some more chemical testing and learn that this sample has none of the chemical properties of urine. This kid didn’t even think to try the one where you dilute your actual pee with water — which we can also catch — or even to just put WARM water in the cup. It was straight, cold, tap-water. I walk across the lab to tell this one to the other lab scientists, one of whom is known for being extremely cynical about everything.)

Cynical Coworker: “That nurse is way too nice. I’d catheterize the kid. Teach him to never do that one again.”

(We then started a prizeless pool, guessing what the kid was on that he was trying to hide. In the end, the actual urine arrived, and it was positive for marijuana.)

[florida80]

The Bank Wants Your Money And Your Blood
Bank, Emergency Services, Health & Body, Non-Dialogue, USA, West Virginia | Healthy | February 12, 2018
I work as a bank teller. One morning a customer walks in, and I notice that he is both extremely pale and has a rasping cough as he approaches me to make a withdrawal. Just as I grab his money and begin to count it out in front of him, to my horror, he suddenly turns his head to the side, coughs violently, then begins to vomit a large amount of blood.

My coworkers quickly move to get the customer a chair to sit in as I call 911. During the commotion, an apparent acquaintance of the customer rushes in and helps hold him upright to walk him to the chair

Less than five minutes later, an ambulance arrives and takes the customer away. We learn the acquaintance is actually the customer’s neighbor. The customer had been feeling very unwell the last few days, and the neighbor had agreed to take him to the hospital, but he wanted to stop at the bank first to make sure he had some cash on hand if necessary. We block off my teller station and call in professional cleaners to come and clean up the potentially hazardous blood.

A few months later, I am working at my usual station again when I call for the next in line and suddenly realize I am talking to this same customer. I almost don’t recognize him, as he has much more color to his face and appears to have put on some necessary weight. He also recognizes me, and apologizes again for the incident. It turns out the pain he was experiencing was from his appendix, which actually ruptured as I was waiting on him. He says that the doctors have now given him a clean bill of health, and then he leaves, after jumping up and down a few times to show how much his health has improved.

[florida80]

Your Mouth Is A Pest
Dentist, New York, Silly, USA | Healthy | February 11, 2018
(I’m getting my teeth cleaned when the dental hygienist strikes up the following conversation.)

Hygienist: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “Well, I had to work Saturday, but Sunday was okay.”

Hygienist: “Do you always work six-day weeks?”

Me: “I work every other Saturday.”

Hygienist: “What do you do?”

Me: “I do pest control.”

Hygienist: “Ooh! I couldn’t do that! That’s just… yuck!”

Me: “Well, you stick your fingers in other people’s’ mouths all day.”

Hygienist: “Oh. Yeah.”

[florida80]

Your Mouth Is A Pest
Dentist, New York, Silly, USA | Healthy | February 11, 2018
(I’m getting my teeth cleaned when the dental hygienist strikes up the following conversation.)

Hygienist: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “Well, I had to work Saturday, but Sunday was okay.”

Hygienist: “Do you always work six-day weeks?”

Me: “I work every other Saturday.”

Hygienist: “What do you do?”

Me: “I do pest control.”

Hygienist: “Ooh! I couldn’t do that! That’s just… yuck!”

Me: “Well, you stick your fingers in other people’s’ mouths all day.”

Hygienist: “Oh. Yeah.”

[florida80]

You’re Not In Good Shape
Bizarre, Dentist, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, USA | Healthy | February 10, 2018
(I am at the dentist’s for a general cleaning, with a hygienist I haven’t been with before. Things are going normally until this happens.)

Hygienist: “Oh, wow. Wow. This is really unusual.”

Me: “Is… Is something wrong?”

Hygienist: “Let me get the dentist. I have never seen this before.”

(By now, I am panicking in the chair a little. The hygienist leaves, then comes back with the dentist, and they both look into my mouth.)

Hygienist: “Look at her uvula. Isn’t it a weird shape? I’ve never seen that before.”

Dentist: “It just has a bit of an indent in the middle.”

Hygienist: “Her uvula looks so weird. I’ve never seen that before.”

Dentist: “All right, [Hygienist], you can go now. I can finish up this cleaning.”

(The dentist told me it was nothing to worry about and barely noticeable, then finished the cleaning without issue. No dentist or hygienist had ever told me I had a weird uvula before.)

[florida80]

Not Applying Any Military Intelligence
Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, Military, USA | Healthy | February 9, 2018
(My military career has me outdoors most of the time, usually in very hot and sunny places. Several years later, I develop a rough patch on my face and am referred to a specialist who listens to my history and diagnoses a precancerous lesion. He recommends that it be removed right away, during this visit, and I agree. He leaves the exam room, and I overhear him giving instructions to the nurse.)

Nurse: “So, what kind of local do you want for her?”

Doctor: “We can do this without it.”

Nurse: “Without anesthetic? Are you sure?”

Doctor: “She was a Marine. She can take it.”

(Gee, thanks, Doc!)

[florida80]

A (Gentle) Giant Difference Between Them
Children, Medical Office, Missouri, Nurses, Siblings, St Louis, USA | Healthy | February 8, 2018
(My younger sister and brother are due to get their polio vaccinations. Despite being two years younger than her, my brother is several inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than our sister. But, as she’s older, she gets to go first.)

Mom: “She has a fear of shots, just to warn you.”

Nurse: “Oh, that’s no problem. I know nobody likes shots.” *turns to my sister* “Now, I’m just going to clean the skin on your leg for the shot.”

Sister: “It’s cold!”

Nurse: “Yes, it is. But it will warm up again in a minute. Now, you’re just going to feel a pinch…”

(My sister sees the needle and flips out, screaming, crying, and flailing. She even manages to kick the nurse in the face before my mom is able to hold her down.)

Nurse: *finally gets the shot in* “I’m sorry, sweetie. I know that hurt. I promise, if you relax, shots don’t hurt so much. Would you like a sucker?”

(My sister won’t stop crying; she’s in full panic mode.)

Me: “Mom, if you want, I can take [Brother] to another room and help him get his shot.”

Mom: *still trying to control my sister* “Please, do.”

(I gather up my hefty little brother and follow the nurse to the exam room next door.)

Nurse: “Go ahead and put him on the table, please.”

Me: “Sure thing. Here you go, buddy! You doing okay?”

Brother: “Yeah.” *with the implication of “why shouldn’t I be?”*

(The nurse looks him over, and then leaves without a word. A few minutes later, she comes back in with not one, but three orderlies, all strong-looking men, to hold my brother down. One orderly stands behind him and holds his arms around my brother’s arms and torso, while the other two each secure a leg.)

Me: “He’s not going to go crazy like [Sister] did. He’s our gentle giant, I swear.”

(The nurse ignores me, cleans his leg, and then counts to three for his shot.)

Brother: *frowns* “Ow.”

Nurse: *stunned* “Ow?”

Brother: “That hurt. Can I have a sucker, now?”

(He didn’t so much as twitch, and he accepted his treat with a smile. [Sister] was still crying a river, and didn’t stop until we were halfway home.)

[florida80]

Making You Go Psycho
England, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, London, UK | Healthy | February 7, 2018
(I have a psychologist assigned to me at my hospital, where I am a frequent visitor and inpatient due to a chronic illness. She’s not very good at her job, at least when it comes to me; every conversation I have with her ends in frustration for me, and a completely warped assessment of my emotional and mental state for my doctor. Eventually, I get tired of it, and ask not to see her anymore, since I think she misunderstands and/or misrepresents my mental health. This is the last conversation I have with her, during a week-long hospitalisation.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but considering that I asked you not to come today, and you came anyway, and once again you haven’t really understood what I’m saying, I’m going to ask the doctors not to send you to me anymore.

Psychologist: “Oh… Well, I still have one more visit planned for the day before you leave.”

Me: “Please cancel it. I appreciate your help, but I just become too frustrated.”

Psychologist: “Well… if you change your mind, please let–

Me: “I’m not going to change my mind.”

Psychologist: “Well, if you do, just tell one of the day nurses and—”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to.”

Psychologist: “Well, just in case you do—”

Me: “I’m not.”

Psychologist: “I know you think that now, but I’ll be here if you want to chat.”

Me: “I promise you, I won’t.”

Psychologist: “Well, if you change your mind…”

(Then, she just stood there smiling. I stared at her in disbelief until she left.)

[florida80]

Time To Retire Her File
Assisted Living, Belgium, Nurses, Stupid | Healthy | February 6, 2018
(I am in the retirement home where my mother has spent her last years, doing some paperwork with the clerk. A nurse comes into the office, and the clerk introduces me:)

Clerk: “Meet Mrs. [My Name]’s daughter.”

Nurse: *very cheerily* “Oh, yes! Mrs. [My Name] is doing great; no problems!”

Me: “No doubt about it! She was cremated yesterday.”

(The nurse slunk away silently.)

[florida80]

Stop And Think For A Period
Hobart, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pharmacy, Tasmania | Healthy | February 5, 2018
(In Australia, purchasing certain medications requires the cashier, by law, to ascertain for whom the medication is intended and whether or not they’ve used the medication before. It’s about half an hour before closing time and it’s been a busy day, so I’m running on autopilot, when a man comes up to the counter.)

Male Customer: “Can I have some [period pain medication], please?”

Me: “Sure. That’s just for yourself, and you’ve used it before?”

[florida80]

I Never Meant To Cause You Trouble
Hospital, Nurses, UK | Healthy | February 4, 2018
(Due to some weird allergic reactions, I’ve been sent to have a blood test done. As I enter the phlebotomist’s room, Coldplay’s “Yellow” is playing on a small radio.)

Nurse: “Now, how are you with needles?”

Me: “They’re not my favourite thing, but I’m okay with them. Never had any problems before.”

(They get me set up with the needle in my arm, and everything’s okay at first, but after about a minute I start to feel woozy, nauseated, and sweaty, and my hearing fades out. “Yellow” has been replaced with a staticky noise. I try to communicate this to the nurse, but something gets lost on the way to my mouth.)

Me: *flaps hand at nurse* “Chris Martin went grey! Gonna blarf…”

(I vomit in my lap and then faint. When I wake up, I’m wearing a blood pressure cuff and someone’s fetched my mum from the waiting area.)

Nurse: “Wow, I’ve had people freak out before, but you’re the first one who’s fainted! By the way, who’s Chris Martin?”

Me: “Huh?”

Nurse: “You were talking about him, said he went grey or something? It seemed pretty urgent.”

Me: “No idea.”

(Chris Martin is the lead singer of Coldplay, a band which I’m fairly ambivalent about. Apparently, my brain is better at remembering music trivia when starved of oxygen and shutting down!)

[florida80]

Cardiac Arrested Development
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Stupid | Healthy | February 3, 2018
(I am on the evening shift at a specialized cancer ward. I come out from a room and bump into one of my colleagues. This woman is older than I am and, I assume, far more experienced than I am, although I have racked up a fair amount of experience myself at this point. My colleague looks decidedly puzzled.)

Me: “Is something wrong?”

Colleague: “It’s so strange. The patient in [Room] is so unresponsive. And I don’t know what to do about this. She was turning blue and seemed to have trouble breathing!”

(This was delivered almost frustratingly slow. She started to describe just HOW the patient was using her whole torso to draw air into her lungs, but I ran past her into the patient’s room. She’d had a cardiac arrest! I pressed the alarm and, miracle of miracles, we managed to resuscitate her through sheer stubbornness and hard work. We were overjoyed with the resuscitation, but we all had some choice words with the head nurse about our colleague! I never saw her working there again after that.)

[florida80]

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 19
Doctor/Physician, Emergency Services, Ignoring & Inattentive, Iowa, Nurses, USA | Healthy | February 2, 2018
(My husband and I are in the ER, about ten days after I have given birth via C-section, and about five days after I have finally been released from the hospital. Due to pregnancy complications, my husband and I haven’t had sex for several months. I have severe abdominal pain and have been waiting to be seen for several hours. Finally, a doctor comes into the room to check me over. She is holding my chart, on which I mentioned several times that I just had a baby.)

Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Are you sure? We’re going to run some tests that could be harmful to the baby.”

Me: “I am sure I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “How about you take a test just to be sure?”

Me: “I. Just. Had. A. Baby. So, unless you guys missed something when you were cleaning me out two weeks ago, or God decided it’s time for another immaculate conception, I. Am. Not. Pregnant.”

Doctor: “Uh, okay, then.”

(She then sends a nurse in with some painkillers so I can finally get some relief. Two days later, I get a phone call from the hospital.)

Nurse: “I’m sorry, but it looks like one of your samples we took the other night was contaminated. We strongly recommend you take a pregnancy test.”

Me: *facepalm*

[florida80]

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 18
At The Checkout, Cashier, Grocery Store, Health & Body, Jerk, Pennsylvania, USA | Working | February 26, 2018
(I’m in my late 20s, but because of my size, I am often mistaken for a teenager. A few months prior to this incident, my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive. I’m very excited and immediately go out and buy a pregnancy test. A few weeks later, the test is negative, and I go to the same store to buy a pack of tests. I am checked out by the same cashier, an older woman. When I approach with the tests, she gives me a disgusted look. The following happens:)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Cashier: “I’m fine… Honey, would you like me to show you where we keep the condoms? They’re not hard to find; they’re in the same aisle as the tests.”

Me: *a little taken aback* “No, thank you.”

(The cashier doesn’t ring out the test. She just looks at me.)

Cashier: “Sweetie, the condoms aren’t too expensive. We have some great options, and it would be a lot better than these constant scares.”

Me: “Oh, it’s not a scare—”

Cashier: *cuts me off* “I saw you a few weeks ago, buying a test. I remember because I said a prayer for you, that you wouldn’t be pregnant.”

Me: *getting angry now* “Well, that’s not a very nice thing to pray for! I want to be pregnant”

Cashier: *looks horrified* “Honey, you don’t want to be pregnant; trust me. You want to finish school, get a job, and find a guy who wants you for more than sex. Make the guy marry you first!”

Me: “Pretty sure this is none of your business, but my husband and I both have well-paying jobs, and a baby would be a blessing. Please ring me out.”

Cashier: “I can’t believe your parents let you get married so young!”

Me: “I’m almost 30. And again, this is none of your business.”

(She finally finished ringing me out, and I had a word with the manager about the incident. He promised to speak to her about it. It’s been two weeks, and when I go back she avoids me like the plague.)

[florida80]

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 17
Hospital, USA, Washington | Healthy | December 15, 2017
(My sister goes to the hospital due to her appendix rupturing. Because of the amount of pain she is in, I answer all the questions for her, fill out forms, etc. While she is in the ER, nurses continue to ask if she is pregnant. The first couple times are different nurses that I assume aren’t talking to each other, but it gets annoying. This all happens before they confirm it’s her appendix.)

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Is there a chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: “No, there’s no chance.”

Nurse # 2: *later, crouching in front of my sister, who’s writhing in pain* “Are you pregnant, sweetie?”

Me: “No, there’s absolutely no chance.”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *glares at me and leaves*

Nurse #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : *later, as the painkillers are starting to kick in, causing my sister to slur her speech slightly and not be quite present* “Is there any chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: *frustrated* “There is no chance she’s pregnant!”

Nurse #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “Let her answer for herself!”

Me: *points at the insurance cards I’d pulled out of her wallet and laid on the counter* “If you idiots had taken half a second to look at these, you’d see she doesn’t have a uterus!”

(My sister was in an accident when she was a kid and had to have her uterus removed, and carries a card with that information on it, because the pregnancy question always comes up. The nurse left quickly and we soon had yet another nurse, who didn’t ask the pregnancy question. I apologize to the nurse at the desk later for yelling, but she waved me off and said it was a quick way to learn a lesson.)

[florida80]

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 16
Health & Body, Medical Office, Stupid, USA, Washington | Right | November 2, 2017
(I’m having a pregnancy test done at a local clinic. After I get a positive result, they go over some things with me. The nurse is asking me basic questions about daily habits and my lifestyle.)

Nurse: “All right, do you smoke?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Drink alcohol?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Nurse: “Do you plan on starting?”

Me: “Not anytime soon.”

Nurse: “Oh, thank God! I don’t have to try to talk sense into you.”

Me: “Do people really think they can smoke and drink during pregnancy?”

Nurse: “More than you’d think.”

[florida80]

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 15
Home Improvement | Right | August 2, 2017
(I am pregnant, quite close to my due date, and obviously showing it even through my boxy work uniform. This occurs during a (so far) normal transaction as I am returning an item for a customer approximately in his fifties.)

Customer: “So, you’re pregnant?”

Me: *smiling* “Yup!”

Customer: “How’d that happen?”

Me: “Uh… well… um…”

Customer: *cheerfully* “You’d be surprised, the different answers I get with that one.”

Me: *speechless*

[florida80]

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 14
Retail | Right | September 21, 2016
(I manage a retail store that does engravings. When customers want something done we go to a little counter, stand opposite the customer, and explain pricing. I am due to have my daughter any day when this happens. I’m tall and have always been really skinny.)

Nice Young Couple: “We want to get [Item] with [Name] on it.”

Me: “Oh, that’s such a cute name!”

(I explain the pricing. All is going well.)

Woman: “I’m six months along and feel like a whale! How far are you?”

Me: “I’m nine months. Actually, the doctor said I should have popped a week ago. When I’m done working, I walk the Mall of America like a crazy person because a manager over there swears it helps induce labor!”

Woman: “You’re nine months!? Why are you so small?!”

Me: “I don’t know. I’m just naturally skinny but the doctor predicted that she would at least be seven pounds or more.”

Woman: *suddenly incredibly angry* “I’m only six months and bigger than you! That’s not fair!”

(At that point the woman went savage and actually tried to climb over the counter to hit me. Her boyfriend grabbed her and dragged her out of the store kicking and screaming “It’s not fair!” while giving me a look that said “I’m so sorry!” Two days later I got my doctor to give me a note saying I couldn’t work anymore while pregnant because of blood pressure issues. I had my baby a week later and quit when my maternity leave was up. I have never, and will never, go back to retail. I have a lot of respect for people that stick it out. You don’t get paid enough.)

[florida80]

Setting Them Straight About Wolf-Whistling
Australia, Harassment, Melbourne, Outdoors/Outside, Strangers, Victoria | Healthy | February 2, 2018
(I am having a horribly frustrating day at this point. I’m overworked. The weather is horrible. Walking back to work, a construction worker with his mates wolf-whistles at a girl a couple of feet ahead of me.)

Me: *turning to face him* “Thanks, mate, but sorry; I’m straight.”

(The guy went red as his mates laughed. Made me feel better.)

[florida80]

Need To Get Your Wax Straight
Alberta, Canada, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Physical | Healthy | February 2, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(All my life, I have been sensitive to changes in weather pressure, and elevation changes, even subtle ones. As I live in an area frequented by wonderful warm winds during cold seasons, I regularly get “Chinook” headaches. I’ve never had a migraine before, but one day at work, I start to experience a severe headache. It’s the worst I’ve ever had, and I conclude I’m having my first migraine. I manage to drive home and crawl into bed. For two days, I’m unable to drive, or even move from a laying-down position, due to nausea and dizziness, along with the pain. My general practitioner is off on maternity leave, so I go to the same clinic as a walk-in.)

Me: “I think I’m having a migraine; it’s the first time.”

Doctor: “Can you describe the symptoms?”

Me: “Intense pressure headache, coupled with nausea and dizziness. It’s very difficult just to sit here talking to you.”

Doctor: “Sounds right.” *hands me a stack of paper* “Here: you need to record each and every time you get a headache so we can track it. Here are two prescriptions for pain medication. Also, I noticed from your previous blood work that your iron levels are low, so we’re going to start you on a very high-dose supplement. As well, vitamin B will help with the migraines. You should start this regime today. The pain medication is strong, so be prepared to basically sleep once you take it.”

(This seems excessive to me, but as I’ve never had a migraine before, I go fill all the prescriptions. For two days, I follow what the doctor recommended, and nothing has improved. My chiropractor has experience in acupuncture and other alternative medicine, and he has helped me with my headaches in the past. I tell my husband that I need to go see him. When I walk into the chiropractor office, my guy sees me, being held up by my husband, with a hood and sunglasses on, and quickly ushers me into a room. My husband has brought the literal bag of drugs I’ve been prescribed, to show him.)

Chiropractor: “I can help the nausea and dizziness immediately. Lie on your side.”

(He gives me some acupuncture needles in various places on my neck, hands, and temples.)

Me: “I can’t keep taking those pain meds; I’m not functional. Plus, the pressure going up the hill from [Our Town] has been excruciating lately.”

Chiropractor: “That’s the pressure sensitivity, right? So, it’s been much worse than normal?”

Me: “Yes.”

Chiropractor: “How’s your balance been?”

Me: “Horrible. That’s partly why I’m so dizzy. I feel like I have no centre of gravity.”

Chiropractor: “You don’t have a migraine; you have crystals in your ears. How often do you use cotton swabs?”

Me: “Fairly regularly?”

Chiropractor: “Stop doing that for a week and let the wax catch them. It’s a random thing, but if your ears are too clean, these little crystals develop and roll around your inner ear. That is what is causing the pain, and the loss of balance, which is contributing to your dizziness and nausea.”

(He was 100% right. A week later, all the symptoms had completely disappeared. I’m thankful that the walk-in doctor had a treatment plan, though I wish she had asked me another couple questions. I’m even more grateful for other medical practitioners who can help prevent you from having to take tons of excessive and unnecessary medications.)

[florida80]

Allow Me To Illustrate The Point
Art/Design, Health & Body, Office, Revolting, USA, Virginia | Healthy | February 1, 2018
I work as a medical illustrator, drawing injuries and surgeries for legal purposes — used as courtroom exhibits, mediation materials, etc. Most of the time, the cases that cross my desk are the same run-of-the-mill kinds over and over, but every once in a while, we get very interesting and challenging cases to illustrate.

My most memorable case involved a man with a tumor that had grown in almost the exact middle of his head, sort of at the very back of his throat, near the base of his skull. It had grown monstrously and required a surgery to remove it to improve quality of life. But the only way to get to it required some extreme measures, and I’ll never forget the surgeon’s notes in which he described the procedure. This is a bit gruesome, if you’re squeamish.

It required lifting away the bottom of the face from the skull and cutting the mandible — jaw bone — down the middle, then prying the jaw apart to either side. While the surgeon provided no sketches to help me visualize this, he made it clear enough when he mentioned it was commonly known as “the Predator cut.”

They also then removed half the jawbone. It was surprising to learn how they reconstruct the face afterwards; they simply carve up segments from your fibula — the small bone in your lower leg — and make a new L-shaped jaw out of it!

[florida80]

Allow Me To Illustrate The Point
Art/Design, Health & Body, Office, Revolting, USA, Virginia | Healthy | February 1, 2018
I work as a medical illustrator, drawing injuries and surgeries for legal purposes — used as courtroom exhibits, mediation materials, etc. Most of the time, the cases that cross my desk are the same run-of-the-mill kinds over and over, but every once in a while, we get very interesting and challenging cases to illustrate.

My most memorable case involved a man with a tumor that had grown in almost the exact middle of his head, sort of at the very back of his throat, near the base of his skull. It had grown monstrously and required a surgery to remove it to improve quality of life. But the only way to get to it required some extreme measures, and I’ll never forget the surgeon’s notes in which he described the procedure. This is a bit gruesome, if you’re squeamish.

It required lifting away the bottom of the face from the skull and cutting the mandible — jaw bone — down the middle, then prying the jaw apart to either side. While the surgeon provided no sketches to help me visualize this, he made it clear enough when he mentioned it was commonly known as “the Predator cut.”

They also then removed half the jawbone. It was surprising to learn how they reconstruct the face afterwards; they simply carve up segments from your fibula — the small bone in your lower leg — and make a new L-shaped jaw out of it!

[florida80]

Dinner Before Derriere
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, New Hampshire, Nurses, Rude & Risque, Silly, USA | Healthy | January 31, 2018
(It’s my very first appointment with a GYN Oncologist, and he has to examine my tumor, which has grown in the space “between the playground and the sewer.” There is a female nurse attending who is slightly older than both the doctor and me.)

Doctor: “Unfortunately, [My Name], I’m going to have to do a rectal exam, also.”

Me: *resigned to it, but salty* “Whoa! On the first date, even!”

Older Nurse: *totally taken aback* “But this is a safe date! This is for your health and well-being!” *several more comments indicating that she’s horrified at what I said*

Doctor: *never missing a beat* “Yeah, but I didn’t even buy her dinner!”

(Gotta love a doctor with a sense of humour!)

[florida80]

Clean Up Your Act
Awesome, Colorado, Hospital, Instant Karma, Jerk | Healthy | January 31, 2018
(I work as a housekeeper at a hospital. The job is hard, but I get paid fairly well. The hardest part is dealing with patients and visitors who don’t realize how important my job really is. I’m mopping the main lobby. A group of visitors leaving the hospital are coming. I just mopped the floors, and they track dirt and grease all over the floor, dropping food as they pass, as well. I get a new mop, slightly irritated, I’ll admit. Then, I hear the mom lean down to her daughter and say:)

Visitor: “Stay in school, or you’ll end up like him!”

(I’ve had a hard day, and just hearing that makes me lose it. I go over, tap the woman on a shoulder, and say:)

Me: “Ma’am, were you visiting a patient here today?”

Visitor: “Uh, yeah… [room number]. Why?”

Me: “You realize a lowlife housekeeper like me cleaned that room, right? That room previously had a very sick person staying in it, and a housekeeper bleached the walls, bed, toilet, everything, to keep you safe from getting what the last patient had.”

(She goes to open up her mouth, but I don’t let her say anything.)

Me: “I’m working this job while I work on getting my associate’s in nursing, which I’m only three months away from. I eventually want to become a doctor. I took this job to get my foot in the door for my future. My parents don’t have money to get me through school, and the scholarships I received aren’t enough to cover $4000 a semester. So, unless you are already saving for her to go to school, or are made of money, she will likely end up with a low-end job for a couple of years. I get the same benefits as any medical staff, I make $12 an hour, and, other than dealing with people like you, my job is nice.”

(By this point her jaw has dropped and her daughter is giggling next to her.)

Visitor: “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize—”

Me: “You shouldn’t have said something like that. ‘If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.’ My mom taught me that when I was five. Probably best for you to learn it, too.”

(The mother scurries out of the door with her head hanging low. My supervisor has seen the whole exchange, so I think I will get in trouble. He laughs and says:)

Supervisor: “I’ve wanted to say that to people like that forever! I’m just glad I got to witness such a historic moment!”

(Housekeepers are not scum or low-lives, and we are not stupid. Most of us have joined as housekeepers to make it easier to climb up the career ladder. Think about that the next time you say something rude like that.)

[florida80]

Clean Up Your Act
Awesome, Colorado, Hospital, Instant Karma, Jerk | Healthy | January 31, 2018
(I work as a housekeeper at a hospital. The job is hard, but I get paid fairly well. The hardest part is dealing with patients and visitors who don’t realize how important my job really is. I’m mopping the main lobby. A group of visitors leaving the hospital are coming. I just mopped the floors, and they track dirt and grease all over the floor, dropping food as they pass, as well. I get a new mop, slightly irritated, I’ll admit. Then, I hear the mom lean down to her daughter and say:)

Visitor: “Stay in school, or you’ll end up like him!”

(I’ve had a hard day, and just hearing that makes me lose it. I go over, tap the woman on a shoulder, and say:)

Me: “Ma’am, were you visiting a patient here today?”

Visitor: “Uh, yeah… [room number]. Why?”

Me: “You realize a lowlife housekeeper like me cleaned that room, right? That room previously had a very sick person staying in it, and a housekeeper bleached the walls, bed, toilet, everything, to keep you safe from getting what the last patient had.”

(She goes to open up her mouth, but I don’t let her say anything.)

Me: “I’m working this job while I work on getting my associate’s in nursing, which I’m only three months away from. I eventually want to become a doctor. I took this job to get my foot in the door for my future. My parents don’t have money to get me through school, and the scholarships I received aren’t enough to cover $4000 a semester. So, unless you are already saving for her to go to school, or are made of money, she will likely end up with a low-end job for a couple of years. I get the same benefits as any medical staff, I make $12 an hour, and, other than dealing with people like you, my job is nice.”

(By this point her jaw has dropped and her daughter is giggling next to her.)

Visitor: “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize—”

Me: “You shouldn’t have said something like that. ‘If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.’ My mom taught me that when I was five. Probably best for you to learn it, too.”

(The mother scurries out of the door with her head hanging low. My supervisor has seen the whole exchange, so I think I will get in trouble. He laughs and says:)

Supervisor: “I’ve wanted to say that to people like that forever! I’m just glad I got to witness such a historic moment!”

(Housekeepers are not scum or low-lives, and we are not stupid. Most of us have joined as housekeepers to make it easier to climb up the career ladder. Think about that the next time you say something rude like that.)

[florida80]

That’s Where We Put The Bad Patients
Australia, Coworkers, Medical Office, Silly, Wordplay | Healthy | January 30, 2018
(It is a busy Monday with patients eager to get scanning done after the weekend, walk-ins, and appointments. I am working as fast and as politely as I can. There is a bit of pressure since our site manager is on holiday and our second was just promoted to head office. I have inadvertently become the senior receptionist.)

Coworker: “I have to find the keys to the mur…”

(I can’t hear what he’s saying because of the phone ringing and a patient in front of me giving me details necessary for the booking. He does a lap around the department.)

Coworker: “He’s supposed to have left keys for the mur mur rum...”

(I don’t catch the end of it, again, needing to pick up a call on hold that’s been waiting for seven minutes. He runs around again. I blaze through more people, finally finish all calls, and get to the last lady in the queue.)

Coworker: “Okay, so, we get the keys from upstairs in General. It’s all good. They got into the murder room.”

(I stop what I’m doing and stare at him, absolutely sure I heard it right, but shocked if that’s what he said.)

Me: “The murder room?!”

Coworker: “Motor room.”

(The patient in front of me starts laughing.)

Patient: “I wouldn’t want to be in one of those!”

[florida80]

Cause For Actual Pregnant Pause
Alaska, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 30, 2018
(I am a doctor at a local clinic. I read the file for my next patient, a 21-year-old woman, complaining about stomach cramps, sickness, and “private” concerns. People are often shy and refuse to share their symptoms with the nurse. I go into the room and start talking to the patient.)

Me: “Hello, I am Dr. [My Name]. What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I keep getting stomach cramps, and I threw up this morning. It was really gross… and, um… ah…”

(The patient is acting uncomfortable.)

Patient: “I haven’t had my period in three months! It’s always been irregular, but I haven’t ever gone this long! I must be really sick! Please help me.”

(Utilizing my $50,000 education and 14 years of experience, I make the first suggestion that comes to mind.)

Me: “Is there any chance that you might be pregnant?”

(The patient looks disgusted by this.)

Patient: “Oh, so, if a woman is sick it means that she must be pregnant. No, she can’t be dying or anything; she must be a slut. You men are all the same!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is just procedure. I have to check things off the list to find out what is wrong. Can you please answer my question?”

Patient: “No. I want a woman doctor. Get me your woman doctor or I am leaving!”

Me: “There are only me and three male PAs.”

Patient: “Humph!”

(The patient walked out of the examination room and out of the office, complaining of sexism and “unprofessional behavior” to everybody in the waiting room. Six months later, I got another patient file for a woman wanting a prenatal exam. Now, guess who it could possibly be? The lesson here is that there are a lot of things that share symptoms with pregnancy, but pregnancy is FAR more common than most of them. When a doctor asks you if you are pregnant, it is not an accusation; it is an important diagnostic tool.)

[florida80]

Hasn’t Got The Heart To Know The Difference
Australia, Emergency Services, Queensland, Stupid | Healthy | January 29, 2018
Paramedic #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Do you have any preexisting healthcare conditions?”

Patient: “No.”

Paramedic #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Ever been to hospital?”

Patient: “Nope!”

Paramedic #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Do you take any medications?”

Patient: “No.”

(After diagnosing a heart attack and commencing treatment, the patient starts feeling better. He chats with the second paramedic on the way to hospital.)

Patient: “Hang on, I have had one thing…”

Paramedic #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Yes?”

Patient: “It was, uh…”

Paramedic #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Yes?”

Patient: “A what-do-you-call-it… A cardiac arrest! Had one of those before.”

(And that’s why health care staff ask so many stupid and repetitive questions!)

[florida80]

Pot Calling The Kettle Black, Noisily
Hospital, Jerk, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Roommates | Healthy | January 29, 2018
I have to have emergency surgery. After some time in the recovery ward, I am wheeled into a double-occupancy room, but there’s no one in the other bed. I wake up a little later to find the curtains between the beds drawn, and correctly assume I now have a roommate. I hear her whimpering often, but I think nothing of it, because I’m whimpering, too.

We are both checked hourly, but we have different nurses, so basically there’s someone coming in every half hour or so. Whenever my obs are being done, I can hear her huffing and sighing, the way people do when they’re trying to sleep but someone’s making too much noise. I feel a bit guilty, but what can I do about it?

During the night, I hear her groaning whenever she tries to move. I’m doing the same, so I am quite shocked when she rather curtly says, “Can you keep it down, please? You’re always moaning and groaning! I am trying to sleep here!”

I say nothing. I’m in too much pain and too drugged up to attempt a comeback or an argument.

Later that morning, I’m woken up by loud voices and ear-piercing squeals. My roommate’s family are visiting. She has two small children who are yelling and squealing and fighting with each other. They zoom around the room, pulling the curtains between our beds back and forth, playing in the wheelchairs, and often bumping into my bed, causing excruciating pain. Her husband is loud and gregarious, and neither of them make even the slightest effort to control their kids.

I’m overwhelmed and hurting and I start to cry. The nurse comes in to do my obs, takes one look at the scene, and barks at the father and kids to keep it down, that they’re in a hospital, and that there are a lot of sick people who are trying to rest. She then manipulates me into a wheelchair and says that now would be a good time to take me for a shower, to get away from the noise. As I’m being wheeled out, I hear my roommate say to her husband, “God, she can talk! She’s kept me up all night whining and carrying on!”

[florida80]

You’re Killing Me Here
Germany, Impossible Demands, Pets & Animals, Stupid, Vet | Healthy | January 28, 2018
(A lady comes in with a cat in a very bad condition. After a short examination, I have to tell her that the only thing I can do is to euthanize her cat.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, but the kidneys have completely stopped working. The only thing we can do is release that poor cat from her pain and suffering.”

Lady: “Oh, that’s a shame, but if it’s the only option…”

Me: “Unfortunately, it is.”

Lady: “Okay, but is there any homeopathic euthanasia you can give? You know, all these chemical things are bad for her health!”

Me: “Um, do you know what ‘euthanasia’ means?”

[florida80]

Enough To Make You Grind Your Teeth
Canada, Dentist, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Quebec | Healthy | January 27, 2018
(I’ve been going to a dentist clinic for a few months. I love the place and the staff; they’re considerate of the expensive costs of treatments, they’re friendly, and they take the time to explain options. The moment I get dental insurance from work, I become a regular patient to fix all the little things I’ve been putting off. Sadly, for some reason, the dentist turnover becomes high. At this point, I’ve seen four different ones already. I’ve had all my repairs done, got a mouth guard for grinding my teeth, and am just finishing a yearly cleaning.)

Dentist #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *who I’ve never had before* “Well, everything looks good on your x-rays. We’ll see you in six months!”

(A month later, I’m back with a pretty infected tooth that requires a root canal treatment. Yet another dentist, the first male one I’ve encountered, greets me.)

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *cheerfully* “How are you?”

Me: “Well, I’m here because I’m in a lot of pain, so—”

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Oh, no. You’re doing well!”

(I’m a bit annoyed that he would tell ME how I’M doing, but I let it go. He starts the procedure, after pressing his belly into the back of my head twice while looking for tools and not apologizing. Towards the end, there is terrible pain, which I had not been warned about in any way. I’m crying and upset by the time I get out, just in a hurry to leave that place. It hurts more than the tooth did before he did anything to it. Because my insurance is almost maxed out for the year, I end up paying several hundred dollars for the procedure. And we’re just in May. A week later, the temporary seal, which I was not told was temporary, starts coming off while I eat. I had been told I would need a crown, but since nothing else was explained, I thought I was good to go until the following year, having told them about the insurance being maxed. I see [Dentist #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ], who says I should get a screw and a crown, and nods when I explain I have to wait, as I don’t have $1,500 to pay for it. She puts a white filling over the tooth in the meantime. The clinic calls me three times for me to get an appointment for the screw and crown, the third one in November. I explain the insurance thing to the receptionist, and schedule an appointment in January. A week after the November call, my gums around that tooth begin swelling when I eat, so I go back.)

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “The filling has just slightly been dislodged, so it’s rubbing against your gums. We’ll fix it for free, since we have a warranty on repairs.”

Me: “When was the last time I came for a cleaning?”

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “In mid-April.”

Me: “And when did I come back with an infected tooth?”

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “In May.”

Me: “Is it really possible for [Dentist #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] to have missed a tooth that ended up infected a month later? She did take x-rays.”

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : *is silent for a while, looking at the computer, then, slowly* “Yes, it’s not visible on them.” *points vaguely to the x-rays, which I obviously have no knowledge to interpret*

Me: “Okay. Also, the dentist who performed the root canal treatment didn’t warn me about the pain, and didn’t explain that the seal was temporary.”

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “Well… sometimes when dentists explain all the procedures and costs needed, it scares the patient.”

Me: *in shock* “Well, that’s dishonest.”

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “I understand that you don’t like it.”

(I leave after the repair a bit shaken. Before I leave I ask her to confirm that my $800 mouth guard will not have to be replaced after getting the crown, as I was told by another member of the staff that this might be necessary. The next evening, [Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) ] calls and leaves a voicemail.)

Dentist #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “Hello, I’m calling to set up an appointment for the screw and crown. Please call back.”

(Nothing was said of the mouth guard, and the message disregarded the fact that I HAD an appointment set in January already. I couldn’t call back that evening. The next morning, at 11, I got a call from the receptionist, asking me again to make an appointment! I asked her to cancel the one I had in January, and not to call again. Surely other clinics have staff that have it together.)

[florida80]

This Person Is Such A Headache
Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Criminal & Illegal, Emergency Services, Health & Body, Office, Stupid, UK | Healthy | January 26, 2018
(A coworker has been on blood-thinning medication for the past couple of months. She isn’t allowed to have other medication that has the same effect, namely aspirin.)

Coworker: “I have such a headache. Does anyone have anything I can take?”

(We all say no, so she resorts to searching through the desks of people who are on holiday. She finally finds some.)

Coworker: “Perfect!”

Me: “Um, shouldn’t you try something else? You aren’t allowed aspirin, remember?”

Coworker: “It’s only two tablets! What harm will it do?”

(She disappears before I can protest further, and comes back with a glass of water, having taken them on the way back. She surreptitiously takes another two a few hours later, and I protest yet again. She goes to the printer and comes back screaming.)

Coworker: “I’ve got a paper cut and it won’t stop bleeding!”

(I see that she is actually applying a lot of pressure on the cut, causing it to stay open.)

Me: “Maybe if you ease up on it, it’ll stop.”

Coworker: “No, you idiot! You do that to stop the flow. Oh, my God, I’m dying! Why did you make me take those d*** pills?!”

(We called an ambulance for her, and the second the paramedics arrived, they loosened her grip and the wound closed within a couple of minutes. She spent the entire time accusing us of trying to kill her, and demanded the paramedics phone the police for “force-feeding her death-pills.” We had to explain the situation, as the paramedics thought she was under some sort of narcotic, and they decided to take her to the hospital to make sure the medication wasn’t wreaking havoc on her blood. When she came back into work the next day, she went straight to our manager and launched a formal complaint. We all needed to give statements, and it was decided that if we are going to bring medication to work, we need to ensure it is secure. [Coworker] was put on temporary leave after we revealed in our statements that she actually went looking for the medication in someone else’s belongings, something she failed to mention in her complaint.)

[florida80]

Time To Prescribe Some Common Sense
Chicago, Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, Insurance, USA | Healthy | January 26, 2018
(I have been put on a prescription by my doctor. As I am not particularly fond of the modern designer drug industry, my prescription is something that has been on the market for over 50 years. As such, it is very cheap. After I have been using it for four or five months, my insurance company calls me.)

Me: “Hello?”

Agent: “Hello, this is [Agent] from [Insurance Company] calling. Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes. What can I do for you?”

Agent: “I would like to tell you about our fantastic prescription drug plan! You can get regular shipments of your medications every three months, which will save you money. Here’s how it works…” *drones on whilst I try to interrupt*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Agent: *continues script*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Agent: *continues script*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Agent: “Yes?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m on exactly one prescription, which costs exactly one dollar and seventy-six cents per month, including tax. Nobody else in the house has any other prescriptions.”

Agent: “Oh.”

Me: “I doubt you can save me any money on of that one.”

Agent: *laughing* “You’re right; we probably can’t. Thank you for your patience!”

[florida80]

What A Diabeetus, Part 4
Alabama, Birmingham, Medical Office, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 26, 2018
(I am sitting at my desk behind the nurses’ station when one of our new patients approaches me.)

Patient: “Can you do me a favor and check my lab work for me?”

Me: “I sure can, sir. Let me get you pulled up, here. What did you want me to look over?”

Patient: “Can you check to see if there’s any diabetes in my blood?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “Diabetes. In my blood.”

Me: “Did you mean your glucose level, sir?”

Patient: *clearly exasperated* “No, I mean if the doctor found any diabetes in my blood.”

Me: “Sir, that’s… that’s not how diabetes works.”

[florida80]

IOU One IUD, Part 2
Criminal & Illegal, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, Maryland, USA | Healthy | January 25, 2018
(I go to a family doctor, meaning she’s qualified to treat children and adults, so she’s been seeing me since I was 12. I’m 18 at the time of the story. This conversation takes place during my annual check-up.)

Me: “Can you write me a referral to the gynecologist? I want to get an IUD.”

Doctor: “What? Why do you need an IUD? You said on the forms that you’re not sexually active.”

Me: “Well, I’m not yet, but I’m leaving for college, and I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

Doctor: “No. No, you’re too young for birth control.”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m eighteen.”

Doctor: “And you’re not married. You’re too young for birth control, and besides, if you have an IUD and you get pregnant, chances are you’d miscarry when you had it removed.”

Me: “Being married doesn’t have anything to do with it, and if I got pregnant while on birth control, it’s not like I’d want to carry the pregnancy to term, anyway. And isn’t the chance of getting pregnant with an IUD, like, less than one percent?”

Doctor: “It doesn’t matter; I won’t write you a referral. Does your mother know you’re planning this? I need to speak to your mother.”

Me: “Hang on. I am eighteen years old—”

(She walks out of the office and into the waiting room and gets my mother. My mom comes into the exam room and listens to her, while I protest.)

Mom: “Um… [Doctor], you do realize you just committed a pretty major HIPPA violation, right? She’s eighteen, and legally an adult. She’s allowed to make these choices herself.”

Doctor: “Well! I am not writing this referral for a young girl to be given an IUD!”

Me: “Fine! I’ll figure it out myself!”

(My mom helped me get an appointment with a gynecologist — which my insurance allows me to do, but the way the system is set up, for non-emergencies it’s much easier to get an appointment if your GP gives you a referral first — and we filed a complaint with the hospital against the doctor. She was an older woman, and apparently this wasn’t the first time she’d tried to push her own agenda on a patient, but it was the first time she’d disclosed medical information without someone’s consent, so she was “encouraged to retire” and no longer practices

[florida80]

IOU One IUD
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, Maine, Nurses, USA | Working | September 8, 2017
(I’m at the doctor’s office with my mother and five-month-old daughter. Due to having my daughter prematurely, then battling an illness, an infection, and an open wound for two months, I’m finally able to talk to my doctor about how I have healed after my c-section, along with birth control.)

Me: “You sure about this, Mom?”

Mom: “Yes, I had one, and it worked beautifully.”

Me: “I just don’t know…”

Nurse: *walks in*

Me: “I’m a bit nervous to get a IUD.”

Nurse: “Oh, you don’t want that.”

Me: “…I don’t?”

Nurse: “No, those things are hell. They hurt, they ruin your uterus, and they can cause you to lose it. Oh, and they can embed themselves and requires surgery to be removed.”

Me: “W-What?!”

Mom: “Hey!”

Nurse: “Besides, you’re breastfeeding. That’ll keep you from getting pregnant.”

Mom: *dryly* “No… it doesn’t, dear. I got pregnant with my youngest while I was nursing my third child.”

Me: “…No. I want the IUD. And I’m not currently nursing… I don’t produce enough.”

Nurse: “I suggest the pill, or keep your legs shut.” *glares at me*

Me: “Excuse you! For one thing, I don’t do well with pills; I forget them very easily! For another, it doesn’t matter to you what I do with my sex life, let alone what direction my legs go.”

Nurse: “Then get the shot!”

Me: “Um, no. With the shot, I hit up so many negative side effects that it’s just not worth it. May I talk to another nurse?”

Nurse: “No, I’m your nurse. Then just get your tubes tied!”

Me: “No. I am not ready to decide not to have any more children at all at this time, despite being scared to have another. It doesn’t feel right. I want the IUD.”

Nurse: “You do not! I’ll put you down for the shot.” *leaves the room*

Me: “No! Mom!”

Mom: “Here. Take your baby. I have an a** to beat.” *leaves the room*

(I sit in the room for only a few minutes, holding and feeding my daughter, when I hear my mother yelling at another nurse. At this point, I can only assume it is the same one. While that is going on, and my daughter has drained her bottle, my doctor walks in.)

Doctor: “I assume that is your mother.”

Me: “Good call.”

Doctor: “Wow! She is big! Healthy little girl. May I?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

Doctor: *holding my daughter* “All right. I see here you want the shot? I thought we agreed on the IUD?”

Me: “We did… apparently the nurse was hell-bent on not letting me get it. She was more than rude, not taking no for an answer, and she scared me with the side effects.”

Doctor: “The side effects really don’t happen often. I’ve yet to see them myself to be honest. I think it’s the best choice for you. Let me go get a different nurse, and we’ll insert the IUD. Here’s your baby. She’s beautiful, and a miracle.”

(I got my IUD, and the nurse wound up fired. Apparently this wasn’t the first time. Nor was it the first time my mother went after a nurse during this whole ordeal. It’s been over a year, and no terrible side effects yet!)

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[florida80]

It’s Written In Clear White And White
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Silly, The Netherlands | Healthy | January 25, 2018
(I’m 15 years old. I’m at my general practitioner, because I noticed I’ve been having trouble with my eyesight.)

Me: “I can see quite all right with my left eye, but when I only use my right eye, I notice a clear difference in brightness.”

Doctor: “Hmm, let’s see. Could you cover your left eye?”

(The doctor walks to a board with letters and starts pointing at them.)

Me: “B… C… F… X…”

(The doctor goes to the smaller letters, which are more difficult to read. But at some point, I’m totally unable to see where he is pointing.)

Doctor: “This one, please.”

Me: *no verbal reaction*

Doctor: “Hello? [My Name]! This one! Can you read it?”

Me: “I can’t see what letter you are pointing at.”

Doctor: “Oh, wait. Maybe I shouldn’t use a white pen on a white background for this.”

[florida80]

Getting To The Root Of The Issue
Denmark, Dentist, Parents/Guardians, Stupid | Healthy | January 24, 2018
(My dad’s a dentist and I am at his office to pick him up after work because his car is in the shop. His last patient for the day is a little boy of about seven, and the moment I get in I can hear the parents yelling at him.)

Mother: “What do you mean his teeth are rotten?! They can’t be!”

My Dad: “Madam, your son has an extreme case of tooth decay, which is why he’s been having terrible tooth pains. I can possibly mend some of them, but he’ll probably have to have the majority of them pulled.”

Mother: “I can’t believe this. How could this happen?”

My Dad: “Well, does he eat a lot of candy?”

Mother: “He doesn’t eat sugar.”

My Dad: “Do you give him anything at night?”

Mother: “Yes, we give him honey.”

(They got super angry with my dad when he told them that was why their kid had bad teeth.)

[florida80]

The Crap That Comes Out Of Your Mouth
Arizona, Pets & Animals, Revolting, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 24, 2018
(We have just finished working with a cat who was so scared of being at the vet that she soiled herself, and then got it everywhere. I have finished cleaning the treatment area but have yet to wash my hands. As with all health fields, it’s common knowledge that anything on your hands will eventually end up in your mouth if you don’t wash them.)

Vet: “Would you like to look at her ear slide?”

Me: “Sure. Let me just wash my hands first.”

Vet: *jokingly* “You mean you don’t want to end up eating poop?”

(I start giggling.)

Me: “It’s not that I don’t want to ingest poop; I just don’t want to smell it on my hands!”

[florida80]

At Least It’s Still Just A Penny For Your Thoughts
Money, Overheard, Pennsylvania, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | January 24, 2018
(I am in line waiting to pick up a prescription. The customer at the register is taking longer than usual. The worker tells him to step to the side while they try to sort out the problem. I overhear this between the man who is picking up the prescription and his friend.)

Friend: “It’s only three dollars.”

Man: “I ain’t got that kind of money. Do you know anybody with that kind of money? These is crazy times we live in.”

[florida80]

What A Diabeetus, Part 3
Colorado, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy | January 23, 2018
(I work in the kitchen of a small hospital. I go to each room and take the patients’ orders for their meals. One new patient is a woman who is on a diabetic diet.)

Patient: *after ordering a huge meal, including iced tea with “a crapload of sugar”* “…and can my brother order something, too?”

Me: “Sure. It’s $5.40 for a guest tray, and you can order whatever you want.”

Patient: “Wait, you mean he can get all the food he wants for $5.40? Holy crap! This is the best hospital ever.”

(The patient’s brother orders a large meal, including a diet soda.)

Me: “All right. Now, since you’re on a diabetic diet, we’ll probably have to cut some of this out, because the rules say we can only give you so many carbs.”

Patient: “Whatever. I eat what I want.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

(We end up sending her about half of what she ordered, and using artificial sweetener instead of sugar.)

Patient: *calling back after getting her food* “Um, I didn’t get all my food.”

Me: “Since you’re on a diabetic diet, we can only send you that much. Sorry.”

Patient: “Well, my brother didn’t get what he ordered, either. He was supposed to get…” *she proceeds to list the things she didn’t get*

Me: *after a bit of futilely trying to reason with her* “All right. I can bring a little more food to him.”

(The cook lets me bring some more food to the brother.)

Me: “I’d like to see him put sugar in his diet soda.”

[florida80]

What A Diabeetus, Part 2
Bad Behavior, Grocery Store, Harassment, Ignoring & Inattentive, New Jersey, USA, Wild & Unruly | Right | November 6, 2017
(A customer is getting her money out of her bag. I had put in a low blood-sugar reading in my insulin pump a couple minutes earlier, and it always beeps to remind me to check it again. It beeps, and I unclip it from my waist and turn the screen on. The customer looks up and her eyes go wide.)

Customer: “Of course!”

Me: “What’s the matter?”

Customer: “This is the reason I hate this store! They hire teenagers that look at their phones all the time! They don’t even care about the customers.”

Me: “What? Oh! This isn’t a phone, ma’am.” *presses “okay” and clips it back to my waist*

Customer: “Yes, it is! Give it to me so I can report you to your manager!”

Me: “One, it’s not a phone. Two, I can’t take it off because it’s an insulin pump. I have type-one diabetes.” *shows her my medical alert bracelet* “My manager knows this.”

Customer: “You don’t have diabetes! You’re not obese!”

Me: *tries to resist the urge to face-palm* “Ma’am, I have type-one. The one you’re thinking about is type-two. Please give me the money and leave.”

Customer: “No!” *reaches for my pump, which has a tube that connects to something on my stomach*

Me: *calmly* “Please leave.”

(The customer once again reaches for my pump, and pulls it off my pants. She pulls it forward and realizes there’s a tube on it.)

Customer: “How do you disconnect the charger?”

Me: “That isn’t a charger wire, ma’am. It’s a tube. You can see it’s clear. Please let go.”

(I reach to take my pump back. The customer pulls it forwards again, and I jerk forward. A lot of the time I drop my pump, and it pulls on my stomach. It’s never torn out the thing on my stomach, but this time it’s about to. Luckily, my manager arrives before it does.)

Manager: “Let go of that right now and leave. It’s good that you hate this store, because you’re not coming back.”

(The customer places the pump on the counter and runs to the door, not taking her money or things.)

Me: “Thanks.”

Manager: “Take her money; you deserve it. I’ll put her stuff back.”

(Suddenly, I heard a beep. My manager was also a diabetic, and also had a low earlier. He pulled out his pump, which looked like mine. I heard a loud scream and the door slamming shut.)

[florida80]

What A Diabeetus
Pharmacy | Right | May 19, 2017
(I am talking to a regular customer, who is looking to lose some weight before her wedding, about a fitness professional I follow on YouTube who posts workouts and meal plans for free to help people. There is a customer next to me who is being helped by my coworker.)

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *to me and [Customer #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]* “Are you calling her fat?”

Me: *startled* “No, I am not. We’re just talking about fitness and—”

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “You should love your body. Don’t go telling her to change it to fit YOUR standards!”

Me: “I’m not telling her to—”

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *to [Customer #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]* “Don’t you love yourself?”

Customer #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I do; I do. I just want to lose five pounds before my wedding.”

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “No! That’s the media talking! You’re being brainwashed.”

Customer: “No, it’s my doctor talking. I’m all for body positivity but a health professional is telling me to lose weight.”

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “When you die from diabetes, don’t come looking for help then!”

Customer #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I couldn’t because I’d be hypothetically dead.”

(Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) sputtered and walked out without her change.)

[florida80]

Totally Toothless Parenting
Children, Dentist, France, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | January 23, 2018
(I’m a dentistry student. At my university, we work in different services every half-day. Thursday morning is when I work with kids. A dad comes in with his two-year-old. The kid starts crying the moment he sees the dentist chair, and I know I’m not going to be able to do anything on him, because putting rotating metal things in the mouth of an uncooperative and squirmy two-year-old is dangerous for both him and me. In the patient’s file, I see that the dad was supposed to have taken an appointment with a teacher to have his kid sedated. He obviously hasn’t done so, because I’m the one taking care of him. I can’t even get a good look at the kid’s teeth, because he won’t open his mouth and he keeps crying. I tell the dad that he absolutely needs an appointment with sedation, or else we won’t be able to take care of his kid.)

Dad: “But they’re only baby teeth; it doesn’t matter if they have cavities!”

Me: “If the infection gets out of hand, the adult teeth could get infected, as well, and come out black and rotten. Not to mention that the bone could be eaten away by the bacteria.”

Dad: “So, what should I do?”

Me: “I can’t do anything right now with him in this state, but with sedation we could try it. He needs to be on an empty stomach, though.”

Dad: “Why?”

Me: “Because if not, he could throw up and drown himself.”

Dad: “Sure, but I come from [City not even 15 minutes away]; I don’t have time for this!”

(I call my professor to examine the child, and together we manage to put a temporary solution on the kid’s teeth. It involves a lot of crying and screaming, with an uncooperative dad that doesn’t want to hold his child, and keeps interrupting us to “go for a walk in the hallway” with his kid.)

Me: “Well, that should slow the cavities down, but keep brushing his teeth regularly.”

Dad: “Oh, he doesn’t brush his teeth.”

Me: “I know. He’s two; you’re supposed to do it.”

Dad: “Well, I don’t.”

Me: “You’re supposed to. I don’t suppose he dresses himself yet, either, but still, he’s not naked now. Same thing: you’re the one who made him, so you’

[florida80]

Going For The Condom Minimum
Bizarre, Grocery Store, Missouri, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | January 22, 2018
(A woman comes up to our night cashier.)

Customer: “I need assistance at the pharmacy case.”

(The cashier pages me to the pharmacy case, as I’m the only one with the key after the pharmacist leaves. I arrive at the case.)

Me: “What items do you need?”

Customer: *hesitates for a moment* “I need condoms.”

Me: *opens the case* “You’re welcome to pick out any of the boxes that you’d like.”

(She picks up a few different boxes, shakes each one, then sets it back down. Then, she turns to me and asks:)

Customer: “Do you know which one of these feels the best for guys?”

Me: *more confused than surprised by the question* “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t help you there.”

Customer: “Do you know which one fits best, then?”

Me: “I can’t help you with that. I’ve never used any of those.”

Customer: *exasperated sigh* “Oh, well. Better safe than sorry.”

(She put the condoms down, grabbed a pregnancy test, and walked away without another word.)

[florida80]

The Wheelchair Affair
Ignoring & Inattentive, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Office, Oregon, Portland, USA | Healthy | January 22, 2018
(Our office occupies the bottom two floors of the building. There is a medical office on the fourth floor which is accessed by an elevator in the main lobby. Recently, there has been construction in front of the building’s main door, but pedestrians can still access the door. I am in a meeting when I am called to one of our side entrances to deal with an irate couple, a man and a woman.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

(I see that the woman is walking with a cane.)

Woman: “I want you to let me in so I can get to the elevator. I have an appointment!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is not [Medical Facility]. We can’t let you in because this area is restricted. If you want, I can walk you over to the main entrance and you can use the elevators there.”

Woman: “I can’t walk that far!”

(A coworker arrives at this time.)

Coworker: “It’s the same distance, either way. We can’t let you in.”

Man: “Well, we can’t go that way because of the construction! Unless you want to carry her, or you have a wheelchair, we need to get in this way!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t do that. You can get around the construction; I promise.”

(This goes on for several minutes. After a while, the woman goes to use a phone that’s near the door.)

Woman: “Give me the number for [Doctor]!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, that phone connects to the office I just came from. We aren’t [Medical Facility]. We don’t have the number.”

Man: “Do you have any wheelchairs?”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

(The two finally leave, but not before…)

Woman: “You need to figure out how to handle cases like this better!”

Me: “You have my deepest apologies, ma’am.”

Woman: “What good’s that going to do me?!”

(They walk outside, leaving my coworker and me behind.)

Me: “They seriously want us to stock wheelchairs for people who can’t be bothered to use the main entrance?”

[florida80]

You Can Stomach Getting A New Doctor
Colorado, Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 22, 2018
(After a change in my insurance, I have to switch doctors. On my first exam, he stares long and hard at a small patch of pink skin on my stomach that my previous doctor dismissed as nothing.)

Doctor: “How long have you had that bright pink spot on your stomach?”

Me: “Three or four years.”

Doctor: “Have you ever had a dermatologist examine it?”

Me: “No, I didn’t think it was anything serious. My GP said it was probably nothing.”

Doctor: “Well, I think it’s probably a basal cell carcinoma. That’s a slow-growing cancer, but if it’s been left alone for years, we need to remove it ASAP. Let me call our dermatologist.”

(The dermatologist confirmed his suspicions, and a growth the size of an apple was cut out of my stomach later that week. It hadn’t spread anywhere, thankfully. Good thing for me I had to change doctors!)

[florida80]

When Tetanus Is Better Than The Cure
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, North Carolina, USA | Healthy | January 21, 2018
(My mother has a really bad needle phobia. She’s tried therapy for it, but still has panic attacks and worse reactions when she needs shots or blood draws. The people at our old clinic knew about it, but when we move, she has to see a new doctor, and needs her tetanus booster shot.)

Mom: “I have a pretty bad needle phobia.”

Doctor: “That’s fine; lots of people do.”

Mom: “No, I mean really bad. When I see the needle, I’m going to pass out. I’m going to jerk around; one doctor said it looked like I had a seizure. I need you to listen to me. Give me the shot while I’m unconscious. If you need me to sign something giving permission, I’ll do that, but you need to give me that the first time I pass out, because I really don’t want to have to do it twice.”

Doctor: “I’m sure it will be fine. Just don’t look at the needle.”

Mom: “No, that doesn’t work. Just knowing that I’m going to get a shot is enough to trigger a reaction. My doctor said she left a note in my file. Can you look? I’m serious; this is going to be a severe reaction.”

Doctor: “Okay, okay, I hear you.”

Mom: “All right.”

(He pulls out the needle, my mom passes out, and she comes to a few minutes later, with the doctor and a nurse standing over her, trying to bring her around. She tries to sit up.)

Doctor: “Don’t move; you had a seizure!”

Mom: “No, no, I told you: that’s just part of my reaction. I didn’t actually have a seizure.”

Doctor: “You passed out! You were having a seizure!”

Mom: “No, I wasn’t! I told you: this is what happens when I get shots. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

(She starts to move, then notices that there’s no bandage on her arm.)

Mom: “Did you give me the shot?”

Doctor: “No! You were having a seizure! I can’t give you a shot while you’re unconscious!”

Mom: “But I told you to!”

Doctor: “Look, I think we should run some tests to make sure you’re okay. If you are, I’ll give you the shot then.”

Mom: “You know, I think I’ll take my chances with the tetanus.”

(She went to another doctor, who not only listened to her, but gave her a mild sedative, and has since provided her with one whenever she needs blood-work or shots.)

[florida80]

Laughter Is The Best Drug
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Nurses, Seattle, Silly, USA, Washington | Healthy | January 20, 2018
(Several years ago, I had an accident that required a skin graft on a knuckle. Present day: I hit my hand while working, causing the skin graft to split open, meaning I need stitches. I get to the hospital at about 4:30 pm, and it is PACKED. It is almost 2:00 in the morning before the doctor can even have a look at me.)

Doctor: “Yeah, you will need stitches, so I’m going to give you some novocaine to numb your finger up. We’ll give it 15 minutes to take effect, and get started.”

Me: “Don’t worry about that. It is a skin graft. You would need to poke me where I can feel it, to numb me up where I already can’t feel anything. Just sew it up, please.”

(The doctor agrees, gets a nurse to bring in the kit and hand him stuff, and starts stitching. I can’t feel a thing. After a few minutes, the nurse leans over and asks:)

Nurse: “So, is the novocaine still working?”

(In my defence, I am tired and incredibly bored, so I just look up with a horrified expression and say:)

Me: “I NEVER GOT ANY!”

(The nurse’s eyes almost pop out, and she is ready to flip out. The doctor just looks up at me and says:)

Doctor: “Oh, shut up, you baby.”

(Sorry, nurse, but the doc and I got a good laugh, at least.)

[florida80]

Men Think They Can Have Everything
Bad Behavior, Jerk, Maine, Medical Office, Reception, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 19, 2018
(I am waiting at a doctor’s office. I have heard some crazy things at this place, but this is pretty nuts, even by their standards. A man is sitting in the waiting room, talking to the receptionist. He’s in his twenties.)

Man: “Can you give me some birth control?”

Receptionist: *looks at him a bit strangely* “Okay.”

Man: “Like, the copper thingy?”

Me: “That’s for girls.”

Man: “Jesus! Why are you so f****** sexist? You dumb b****! I can get it, too, if I want it!”

Receptionist: “Um, actually—”

Man: “I DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT!”

[florida80]

Not Listening Is A Disease
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, LGBTQ, Minnesota, Nurses, USA | Healthy | January 19, 2018
(I’m in the ER with a dislocated shoulder.)

Nurse: “Are you on any medication?”

Me: “Synthroid, and I have an IUD.”

Nurse: “Any major surgeries?”

Me: “Appendix when I was 16, I had my thyroid removed last year due to cancer, and a few months ago I had a tumor removed from my foot.”

Nurse: “Any history of thyroid issues?”

Me: “Thyroid cancer, yes, last year.”

Nurse: “Any history of cancer?”

Me: “Thyroid. Cancer. Last. Year.”

Nurse: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “You’re married. Are you sexually active?”

Me: “Yes, my wife and I are active.”

Nurse: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “No, I’m married to a woman.”

Nurse: “When was your last period?”

Me: “When I got my IUD put in last year. I haven’t had one since.”

Nurse: *disbelieving look* “So, you haven’t had a period in several months, but you’re not pregnant?”

My Wife: “Oh, my. We are sexually active. We are married. Lesbians!“

(The nurse left. A few minutes later, a male nurse apologetically came in and asked for my history again. He was much better and

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 21
Canada, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Quebec, Reception | Healthy | January 18, 2018
(There is a small medical clinic where I live. Usually, for walk-in patients, you get to the door very early, wait until they open it, then head for the desk, where you are assigned an appointment time for the day depending on the order of arrival. Usually, people behave and do not jump forward. Rarely, but sometimes, the clinic isn’t full, and going in mid-morning, you might still get a spot. It’s about 11, and I feel I might have a feminine infection. I stop by the clinic to see if there’s room.)

Secretary: “I’m sorry. There’s a new phone system in place. Now you have to call in the morning and leave your name and phone number. Someone will call you back with the time of your appointment.”

Me: “Well, I’m right here. Can’t you just give me a time?”

Secretary: “No, you have to call.”

Me: “Okay, fine.”

(I make two steps to the side, pick up my cellphone, take the card she gave me with the phone number, and start dialing. The secretary looks at me.)

Secretary: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Calling for an appointment. You said I absolutely had to call.”

Secretary: “Ugh… Okay, I’ll give you one.”

(I believe she suddenly realized that I would have left my info on the answering machine, that she would have listen to it, then call me back with the time, all while I was standing in front of her.)

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 20
Music | Working | April 21, 2017
(I work at a market research firm. Part of my job involves calling the manufacturers of high-tech devices to interview them. Some of the companies I call are very large, and others are quite small family firms. Some of the smaller companies have local radio stations on instead of hold music. Usually these are country music stations with ads about farm equipment. One time though:)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling from [Company]. Could I be connected with [Project Manager], please?”

Receptionist: “Sure thing. Please hold.”

Me: “Okay.”

Hold Music: *really loud gangsta rap* “MY MONEY AND MY HOES!”

(I started laughing so hard I had to hang up and call back again.)

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 19
Bosses & Owners, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Office, Spouses & Partners, UK | Working | November 27, 2017
Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi. Could I please speak to [Manager], please?”

Receptionist: *click*

(I phone again, thinking I was just disconnected by accident.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi, I think—”

Receptionist: *click*

(Knowing she actually cut me off this time, I phone back again.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Why do you keep cutting me off?!”

Receptionist: “Because this is a cold call, and I’m told to hang up on them.”

Me: “Actually, I’m [Manager]’s husband, and I’d like to speak to him.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, right!” *laughing* “I’ve met his wife.” *click*

(Having had enough, I decide to just drive down.)

Receptionist: *smiling brightly* “Hello, welcome to [Business]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to speak to [Manager].”

Receptionist: “What reason do you have to speak to him? Do you have an appointment?”

Me: “I’m his husband, and no.”

(She realises who I am and sneers.)

Receptionist: *sarcastically* “Really? You’re that desperate?”

(Coincidently, my husband happens to walk by.)

Husband: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Receptionist: “You know this degenerate?” *smugly* “I was just about to have him removed.”

Husband: “What? Why? He’s my husband!”

(The receptionist blushes and we stand in awkward silence for a few seconds.)

Me: *to the receptionist* “You want to explain?”

(The receptionist stammered through her explanation, with me inserting her claim that he had a wife after she neglected to mention it. My husband actually found it hilarious. She isn’t allowed near the phones anymore, though.)

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 19
Bosses & Owners, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Office, Spouses & Partners, UK | Working | November 27, 2017
Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi. Could I please speak to [Manager], please?”

Receptionist: *click*

(I phone again, thinking I was just disconnected by accident.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi, I think—”

Receptionist: *click*

(Knowing she actually cut me off this time, I phone back again.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Why do you keep cutting me off?!”

Receptionist: “Because this is a cold call, and I’m told to hang up on them.”

Me: “Actually, I’m [Manager]’s husband, and I’d like to speak to him.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, right!” *laughing* “I’ve met his wife.” *click*

(Having had enough, I decide to just drive down.)

Receptionist: *smiling brightly* “Hello, welcome to [Business]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to speak to [Manager].”

Receptionist: “What reason do you have to speak to him? Do you have an appointment?”

Me: “I’m his husband, and no.”

(She realises who I am and sneers.)

Receptionist: *sarcastically* “Really? You’re that desperate?”

(Coincidently, my husband happens to walk by.)

Husband: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Receptionist: “You know this degenerate?” *smugly* “I was just about to have him removed.”

Husband: “What? Why? He’s my husband!”

(The receptionist blushes and we stand in awkward silence for a few seconds.)

Me: *to the receptionist* “You want to explain?”

(The receptionist stammered through her explanation, with me inserting her claim that he had a wife after she neglected to mention it. My husband actually found it hilarious. She isn’t allowed near the phones anymore, though.)

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 18
Medical Office | Working | December 14, 2016
(I’m not the best at keeping track of things on the calendar. I realize that I have not booked an appointment to get my daughter’s follow up vaccines, so I call one morning.)

Me: “Hi, my daughter needs to get her booster shots. I’m afraid I’ve put this off by two months.”

Receptionist: “No problem. You can bring her in this morning.”

Me: “Oh! Perfect! Thanks! We’ll be in soon.”

(She takes my daughter’s name and info. I hung up and began to gather what we’d need for our time out of the house. Just as I reach the front door with diaper bag, book, and baby, the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist: “Hi. This is [Receptionist] from [Doctor’s Office].”

Me: “Yes?”

Receptionist: “I’m afraid your daughter won’t be able to get her booster shots on a walk-in basis today as she is two months past schedule.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I know we’re late. What should I do then?”

Receptionist: “You’ll have to call for an appointment.”

Me: “Can I make the appointment now?”

Receptionist: “No. You’ll have to call to make an appointment.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I hang up, look up the number (this was before caller ID), and call the doctor’s office.)

Receptionist: *same voice as before* “Hello, [Doctor’s Office]. [Receptionist] speaking. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m calling to make an appointment for my daughter to get her booster shots.”

Receptionist: “Oh, you don’t need to call for that. She can get them as a walk in.”

Me: “No, I’ve put it off too long. I was told we’ll need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “I was told by you that we’d need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “You called me not three minutes ago saying we’d need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “Okay, instead, I’ll be picking up my daughter’s medical records. We’ll be changing doctors. How soon can I get those?”

Receptionist: “Changing doctors? Why?”

Me: “Just please get the records together. I’ll pick them up in an hour.”

(We did change doctors. Sad, because I liked that one. But dealing with the receptionist was more than I could take.)

[florida80]

Hey, Google, What Kind Of Cancer Do I Have?
Connecticut, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 18, 2018
(I stop in a pharmacy to pick up some medication. I hear the following from a lady next to me.)

Woman: “I want to buy this!”

(She points at medicine on the shelf behind the pharmacist.)

Pharmacist: “That’s prescription medication. You can’t buy that. I’m sorry.”

Woman: “I NEED IT!”

Pharmacist: “Okay, well, we still can’t give you the medication. You need a prescription.”

Woman: “No! WEBMD SAID I HAVE CANCER AND I NEED THIS!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, I recommend you see your doctor before you get a self-diagnosis off of the Internet.”

Woman: “You’re a doctor! And I KNOW I HAVE CANCER!”

Pharmacist: “Actually, I’m not a—”

Woman: “YOU ALL WANT ME TO DIE OF CANCER! I AM REPORTING YOU TO THE POLICE!”

(She then proceeds to run out of the store, knocking down several displays and screaming “I NEED PENICILLIN! I HAVE CANCER!”)

Me: *mumbling* “How does she think penicillin will cure cancer, anyway?”

Pharmacist: “That’s not even penicillin.”

[florida80]

A Long Wait To See The Waiting Room
Awesome, Dentist, Germany, Reception | Healthy | January 18, 2018
(During all my childhood, our visits to the dentist go like this:)

Receptionist: “Hello, Mrs. [Our Last Name], why don’t you and [My Name] sit down in examination room two? The doctor will be with you in a minute.”

(Then, once, when I am thirteen:)

Receptionist: “Hello, Mrs. [Our Last Name], why don’t you and [My Name] sit down in the waiting room for a moment? We’ll call you in.”

(And that’s how I found out the dentist even had a waiting room. Scheduling level: genius.)

[florida80]

Her Hearing Is Going But Her Eyes Are Sharp As A Hawk’s
Bizarre, Golden Years, Health & Body, Home, UK | Healthy | January 17, 2018
(I work in a local doctor’s surgery, running a clinic fixing hearing aids. I’m at home with my family when the doorbell rings. An elderly lady is standing outside.)

Elderly Lady: “Hello, are you the hearing aid lady?”

Me: “Yes…”

Elderly Lady: *hands me a small package* “The hospital posted me a new hearing aid mould, but I don’t know how to fit it. I didn’t want to wait for the clinic.”

Me: “How did you find me?”

Elderly Lady: “I saw you going home and I recognised you. Can you put my hearing aid together?”

Me: “Uh… sure.”

(I do it on the spot; it’s a ten-second job.)

Elderly Lady: “Thank you! Bye!”

Me: *speechless*

[florida80]

I Got 99 Problems, But My Age Ain’t One
Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | January 17, 2018
(My mum had a stroke two weeks ago. As she was in the hospital at the time it was caught exceptionally quickly, and her doctors believe there will only be some short-term memory loss. I don’t believe there is any, for the reason I am about to tell you. I have dropped by to visit when there are several nurses and her doctor by her bed, arguing.)

Mum: “See? There’s my son. Ask him if you don’t believe me!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Doctor: “We believe it might be a sign of memory loss. Your mother is adamant that her grandmother is still alive.”

Me: “She is. She turns 100 next week. You met her last Friday before she was discharged.”

Doctor: *stutters* “I…I see… She also believes that money has been stolen from her purse; £100 pounds to be exact. Can you confirm that she had this money in her purse while staying here?”

Me: “Yes. It was for my great-grandmother’s birthday. She literally got it out of the ATM in the hospital’s atrium what, twenty minutes before she had her stroke?”

(My mum nods.)

Me: “In fact, that’s why I came around. She called me this morning to get a card.”

(I shook the bag in my hand and the doctor blushed furiously at the realisation that everything my mum said was accurate. All the nurses then backed away, seemingly suspicious of each other. They never found the money, or figured out who stole it, but my mum demanded to be immediately moved to another hospital, and the nurses managed to pool together £100 themselves as compensation. My mum refused to take it, though, as she saw it as an admission that they collectively stole it.)

[florida80]

Treating Depression With Tongue Firmly In Cheek
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Punny, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | January 17, 2018
(On my most recent office visit, I get some coffee but am hustled into a room before I can mix in cream or sugar. I spot a container of tongue depressors and grab one to stir. The nurse chuckles a bit at my audacity, but it makes perfect sense to me; it’s just like any other wooden coffee stirrer. Then, I have a bright idea. A few moments later my doctor walks in:)

Me: “I think I need Zoloft for my tongue.”

Doctor: “Why is that?”

Me: “It’s been depressed.”

(I got the laugh I hoped for. Nice to have a doctor with a sense of humor.)

[florida80]

Enough To Bring Tears To Your (Infected) Eyes
Arizona, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Optometrist/Optician, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 16, 2018
(A customer comes in for a contact lens appointment. Their last appointment was nearly two years previous. They have an eye infection, so we bill them for a medical treatment visit.)

Customer: “What is this charge here? I wasn’t charged for this last time.”

Me: “Last time, you didn’t have an eye infection. We had to charge you a copay for that because of your medical insurance.”

Customer: “You didn’t ask me before doing all that; you can’t charge me for it.”

Me: “But you did want contact lenses, right?”

Customer: “Obviously.”

Me: “The doctor can’t give them to you until that eye infection is cleared up; that’s why this was a medical visit.”

Customer: “Well, the eye infection was your fault, anyway.”

Me: “Umm, but it was from over-wearing your contacts, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but that’s your fault.”

Me: “Ma’am, you made a three-months supply of contacts last 20 months. I’m quite sure we didn’t recommend you do that.”

Customer: “Well, the contacts are too expensive! I couldn’t afford enough of them.”

Me: “Then, might I recommend you get glasses instead? We have a large selection of frames to choose from.”

Customer: “Glasses make people look stupid.”

Me: *laughs awkwardly, as all the other employees wear glasses, as do I* “Well, actually…”

Customer: “I don’t want glasses; I want contacts, and I’m not going to pay for things I didn’t ask for. If you don’t want people to get eye infections, you need to sell contacts cheaper.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t pay for your visit, we cannot provide you with a prescription for contacts.”

Customer: “That’s just unprofessional!” *pays and then flounces out of office*

[florida80]

Bean There, Done Cat
Arizona, Pets & Animals, Silly, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 16, 2018
(I am playing with one of the clinic cats, Bean, and toss a toy to him. Unfortunately, I miss and hit him in the face, though he doesn’t seem to mind. Bean is cute, but he’s not the brightest cat ever. Later, I am telling the vet about it.)

Me: “I feel kind of bad. I beaned Bean in the head with a toy.”

Doctor: “That’s okay; there’s nothing up there, anyway.”

[florida80]

The Needling Issue Doesn’t Have To Be
Hospital, Japan, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, Tokyo | Healthy | January 16, 2018
Due to a chronic condition, I needed to have a series of blood tests done, some of which required larger gauge needles than normal. I headed to the hospital closest to my apartment in Tokyo, waited to see the specialist, and got my notes to take to the blood draw lab reception.

The intake nurses were a bit flustered to be treating me, but my Japanese was good enough that I got through the first steps just fine. Then, I headed into the blood test room and the nurse there started telling me that the tests would hurt, the needles are pretty big, etc., and that in Japan, they don’t use skin-numbing cream. I assured her that I’d be fine, but she didn’t believe me and stomped out of the room to find a nurse that spoke English, despite the fact that we had been conversing in Japanese just fine.

I took off my cardigan, and my heavily-tattooed arms were now visible, right when the nurse came back, dragging a young doctor behind her. He looked at me and said to the nurse, “I think she’s okay with needles,” then burst out laughing as the nurse just gawked at me. Turns out I was the first foreign patient she’d ever taken blood from and she was terrified I’d flip out or faint because of the needles.

[florida80]

No, There’s Not An App For That
Michigan, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 15, 2018
(I work for a vet clinic.)

Me: “[Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my dog is coughing. Do you know why?”

Me: “Well, that could be any number of reasons. You’d really need to come in for us to know.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you can’t diagnose over the phone?”

Me: “No?”

[florida80]

The Bone Isn’t The Only Thing Broken Around Here
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | January 15, 2018
(I fall in my house while holding my two-year-old. As I fall, I turn my body to hold her against the wall so I do not crush her, and as a result, end up with a spiral fracture on my fibula, and a broken and dislocated ankle. When I arrive at the hospital, they try to wrench my ankle back into place but don’t quite align it, so they have to do it again. Of course, this time I know it’s coming, so they decide to use some sort of anesthesia that is meant to make the patient woozy and forget what happened. I’m concerned about whether this will work, and express that concern to the nurse preparing me for the injection.)

Nurse: “Don’t worry; you won’t remember a thing! It probably won’t hurt, either.”

Me: “Can’t you just use this with some actual pain medicine, too?”

(The only pain medicine I’ve received at ALL has been two doses of Fentanyl administered by the paramedics, an hour ago. Fentanyl at the dose I was given lasts 20 minutes, tops.)

Nurse: “Look: you won’t remember, and you won’t feel anything. The only time you might feel something is if I pricked you with a pin, or something!” *he says this as though he’s a genius for thinking of this persuasive argument*

Me: “You mean like the kind of pain I’d feel if someone was moving around my dislocated ankle?!”

(I remembered everything. They also acted like they were doing me a massive favor in keeping me overnight instead of sending me home with three broken bones before surgery the next day. I finally got pain medicine six hours later at the room they begrudgingly gave me, and the call button didn’t work! I had to call my own room phone number with my cell phone and let it ring until a nurse came, because I couldn’t find the nurse’s station phone number!)

[florida80]

Treating Depression With Tongue Firmly In Cheek
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Punny, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | January 17, 2018
(On my most recent office visit, I get some coffee but am hustled into a room before I can mix in cream or sugar. I spot a container of tongue depressors and grab one to stir. The nurse chuckles a bit at my audacity, but it makes perfect sense to me; it’s just like any other wooden coffee stirrer. Then, I have a bright idea. A few moments later my doctor walks in:)

Me: “I think I need Zoloft for my tongue.”

Doctor: “Why is that?”

Me: “It’s been depressed.”

(I got the laugh I hoped for. Nice to have a doctor with a sense of humor.)

[florida80]

Treating Depression With Tongue Firmly In Cheek
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Punny, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | January 17, 2018
(On my most recent office visit, I get some coffee but am hustled into a room before I can mix in cream or sugar. I spot a container of tongue depressors and grab one to stir. The nurse chuckles a bit at my audacity, but it makes perfect sense to me; it’s just like any other wooden coffee stirrer. Then, I have a bright idea. A few moments later my doctor walks in:)

Me: “I think I need Zoloft for my tongue.”

Doctor: “Why is that?”

Me: “It’s been depressed.”

(I got the laugh I hoped for. Nice to have a doctor with a sense of humor.)

[florida80]

Enough To Bring Tears To Your (Infected) Eyes
Arizona, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Optometrist/Optician, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 16, 2018
(A customer comes in for a contact lens appointment. Their last appointment was nearly two years previous. They have an eye infection, so we bill them for a medical treatment visit.)

Customer: “What is this charge here? I wasn’t charged for this last time.”

Me: “Last time, you didn’t have an eye infection. We had to charge you a copay for that because of your medical insurance.”

Customer: “You didn’t ask me before doing all that; you can’t charge me for it.”

Me: “But you did want contact lenses, right?”

Customer: “Obviously.”

Me: “The doctor can’t give them to you until that eye infection is cleared up; that’s why this was a medical visit.”

Customer: “Well, the eye infection was your fault, anyway.”

Me: “Umm, but it was from over-wearing your contacts, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but that’s your fault.”

Me: “Ma’am, you made a three-months supply of contacts last 20 months. I’m quite sure we didn’t recommend you do that.”

Customer: “Well, the contacts are too expensive! I couldn’t afford enough of them.”

Me: “Then, might I recommend you get glasses instead? We have a large selection of frames to choose from.”

Customer: “Glasses make people look stupid.”

Me: *laughs awkwardly, as all the other employees wear glasses, as do I* “Well, actually…”

Customer: “I don’t want glasses; I want contacts, and I’m not going to pay for things I didn’t ask for. If you don’t want people to get eye infections, you need to sell contacts cheaper.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t pay for your visit, we cannot provide you with a prescription for contacts.”

Customer: “That’s just unprofessional!” *pays and then flounces out of office*

[florida80]

Bean There, Done Cat
Arizona, Pets & Animals, Silly, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 16, 2018
(I am playing with one of the clinic cats, Bean, and toss a toy to him. Unfortunately, I miss and hit him in the face, though he doesn’t seem to mind. Bean is cute, but he’s not the brightest cat ever. Later, I am telling the vet about it.)

Me: “I feel kind of bad. I beaned Bean in the head with a toy.”

Doctor: “That’s okay; there’s nothing up there, anyway.”

[florida80]

The Needling Issue Doesn’t Have To Be
Hospital, Japan, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, Tokyo | Healthy | January 16, 2018
Due to a chronic condition, I needed to have a series of blood tests done, some of which required larger gauge needles than normal. I headed to the hospital closest to my apartment in Tokyo, waited to see the specialist, and got my notes to take to the blood draw lab reception.

The intake nurses were a bit flustered to be treating me, but my Japanese was good enough that I got through the first steps just fine. Then, I headed into the blood test room and the nurse there started telling me that the tests would hurt, the needles are pretty big, etc., and that in Japan, they don’t use skin-numbing cream. I assured her that I’d be fine, but she didn’t believe me and stomped out of the room to find a nurse that spoke English, despite the fact that we had been conversing in Japanese just fine.

I took off my cardigan, and my heavily-tattooed arms were now visible, right when the nurse came back, dragging a young doctor behind her. He looked at me and said to the nurse, “I think she’s okay with needles,” then burst out laughing as the nurse just gawked at me. Turns out I was the first foreign patient she’d ever taken blood from and she was terrified I’d flip out or faint because of the needles.

[florida80]

No, There’s Not An App For That
Michigan, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 15, 2018
(I work for a vet clinic.)

Me: “[Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my dog is coughing. Do you know why?”

Me: “Well, that could be any number of reasons. You’d really need to come in for us to know.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you can’t diagnose over the phone?”

Me: “No?”

[florida80]

The Bone Isn’t The Only Thing Broken Around Here
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | January 15, 2018
(I fall in my house while holding my two-year-old. As I fall, I turn my body to hold her against the wall so I do not crush her, and as a result, end up with a spiral fracture on my fibula, and a broken and dislocated ankle. When I arrive at the hospital, they try to wrench my ankle back into place but don’t quite align it, so they have to do it again. Of course, this time I know it’s coming, so they decide to use some sort of anesthesia that is meant to make the patient woozy and forget what happened. I’m concerned about whether this will work, and express that concern to the nurse preparing me for the injection.)

Nurse: “Don’t worry; you won’t remember a thing! It probably won’t hurt, either.”

Me: “Can’t you just use this with some actual pain medicine, too?”

(The only pain medicine I’ve received at ALL has been two doses of Fentanyl administered by the paramedics, an hour ago. Fentanyl at the dose I was given lasts 20 minutes, tops.)

Nurse: “Look: you won’t remember, and you won’t feel anything. The only time you might feel something is if I pricked you with a pin, or something!” *he says this as though he’s a genius for thinking of this persuasive argument*

Me: “You mean like the kind of pain I’d feel if someone was moving around my dislocated ankle?!”

(I remembered everything. They also acted like they were doing me a massive favor in keeping me overnight instead of sending me home with three broken bones before surgery the next day. I finally got pain medicine six hours later at the room they begrudgingly gave me, and the call button didn’t work! I had to call my own room phone number with my cell phone and let it ring until a nurse came, because I couldn’t find the nurse’s station phone number!)

[florida80]

Got A Triple Of Problems With Your Diagnosis
Chicago, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 15, 2018
(I’m at my ob-gyn office for a prenatal check-up. I’ve been going to this office for six years. A doctor I’ve never seen before walks in.)

Doctor: “You’re here to renew your hormonal birth control prescription?”

Me: “No?”

(I’m just entering my third trimester with triplets. He could see my belly if he’d look up from his phone. You could see my belly from the other side of the state at this point!)

Doctor: *looks confused for a second but still doesn’t make eye contact, instead condescendingly says* “You are aware that condoms aren’t 100% effective, right?”

Me: “Gee, I wish you’d told me that seven months ago…”

(He finally looked up and tried to pass it off as there being another patient in the office right that minute with my very unusual first and last name.)

[florida80]

That’s What I (N)Said
British Columbia, Canada, Pharmacy | Healthy | January 14, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

Customer: *holding a box of OTC medication* “Excuse me. My wife is allergic to the Niacide family.”

Me: “Pardon? Do you mean NSAIDs?”

Customer: “No! NIACIDES!”

(I give him a puzzled look.)

Customer: “You know, ibuprofen and stuff!”

Me: “Right… NSAIDs.”

Customer: “Oh, whatever. Can she take this or not?”

(Then he showed me a box of acetaminophen.)

[florida80]

Pregnancy Brain Affects The Men Even More
Hospital, Indiana, USA | Healthy | January 13, 2018
(My cousin is a nurse. One of the doctors, male, at the hospital where she works has gotten a few complaints for dismissing women complaining about certain symptoms as “pregnant.” One day she’s talking to a fellow nurse and another doctor, female, in the hallway, when they hear this from a nearby room:)

Patient: “HALLELUJAH! I’M PREGNANT WITH THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS!”

(My cousin and her coworkers exchange looks as an energetic and loud speech about “virginal conception” and “accepting my heavenly duties” sounds from the room.)

Cousin: “Isn’t [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] in there right now?”

Nurse Coworker: “He just wrote someone off as pregnant again, didn’t he?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Ladies, let’s roll.”

(She went in and took over the rest of the exam while my cousin and her coworker escorted the other doctor out. She said the look on his face was priceless! Needless to say, the story quickly spread around the hospital staff, and the doctor in question got in some trouble with the higher-ups thanks to this and the previous complaints. It’s been two months now, and he has yet to dismiss another woman’s complaints since then.)

[florida80]

Pray That Incompetence Isn’t Airborne
Florida, Hospital, USA | Healthy | January 12, 2018
(I am doing clinicals at the hospital as part of my certified nursing assistant (CNA) program, on the communicable disease ward. I enter at patient room. Now, in this program students aren’t even allowed in the rooms of any patients with airborne contagious diseases. It is also a rule of the hospital that signs be placed on the front of the door along with masks for airborne diseases. I’m making my rounds and enter a room where the patient is sleeping, and grab the chart. He has a serious infectious airborne. I backtrack out of the room and look at the door. No sign, no masks. I approach my teacher about this, and then the head nurse.)

Me: “I read the chart in 334—”

Nurse: “You shouldn’t be in 334. He’s airborne and you’re a student.”

Me: “That’s why I came to you. There is no—”

Nurse: “Why were you in there? You could get seriously sick.”

Me: “You assign—”

Nurse: “It doesn’t matter what I assigned you to. You should know the rules. That’s why I hate working with students. Too stupid to even notice the sign on the door.”

(Now I’m irritated at the interruptions as well as the insinuation of stupidity.)

Me: “Look, lady, I’m not dumb; I’m top of the class. If you’d let me finish a sentence, I could tell you–”

Nurse: “Oh, God. If you’re top of the class, I’d hate to see—”

(I finally snap and interrupt her.)

Me: “And if you’re the head nurse here who is in charge of making sure people are doing their jobs so patients don’t die, I’d hate to see your mortality rate. As I was saying before, there is no sign, no masks, nothing on the door to indicate airborne. There aren’t masks inside or out. As the head nurse, shouldn’t you know this? You assigned me three rooms. When I said the room number you immediately knew he was airborne without pulling a chart. One could figure you knew this upon assigning my rooms, and ignored the rules, or have come across this information since, and rather than changing my assignment, or at least informing me, you just let it go.”

Nurse: “I shouldn’t have to tell you not to enter an airborne room. Now you say you went in without a mask?”

Me: “You should be sure that airborne is indicated as per the rules.”

Nurse: “You’re rude to me. You make a mistake then you’re rude to me. Your teacher will hear about this. Go work on your other patient rooms.”

Me: “My teacher has already heard about this. From me. And I’m not going to work with other sick people when I may have been contaminated. I’m going to tell my teacher I’m going home. I’d suggest you get a d*** sign and masks on that door before you get someone killed.”

(I go to my teacher and fill her in on the conversation. My teacher said she would deal with it, I should go, and to be sure to get tested as well. Then she says this…)

Teacher: “Maybe don’t apply to work here?”

[florida80]

Doctors Need To Have Patience With The Patients
Florida, Nursing Home, USA | Healthy | January 12, 2018
(I am a student in a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) program doing rotations in a nursing home shadowing a CNA working there. This patient is not part of our assigned rooms but is screaming for help. I ignore it at first, as I’m literally surrounded by medical professionals and figure her CNA or nurse will be in soon. Instead it carries on.)

Me: “Shouldn’t we check in on her?”

CNA: “She’s not ours, and she’s always like this. She just wants attention.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Ten minutes later, she is still screaming for help. Nobody is paying attention, and my CNA goes to do something without me. So since I have a 15-minute break without anyone to shadow, I decide to check on the woman. If she just wants attention, no harm done, I can talk a few minutes.)

Me: “Hi, I’m a student. Can I help?”

Patient: “My stomach.”

Me: *picks up chart* “How does your stomach feel?” *I look at the page detailing all she has ate and drank and any output, or waste, that day, thinking it’s an upset stomach*

Patient: “It’s exploding.”

Me: “That’s awful.”

(Then I notice she’s on a catheter, but no urine output has been recorded on her otherwise detailed chart. I look at her cath bag, and there is no urine in it. For those who don’t know much about caths there is always something. The body is constantly producing urine, and with a cath it drains straight off. This seems dangerous to me.)

Me: “I’m going to get you some help.”

(To the nurse at the station.)

Me: “The patient who has been screaming, I just checked in with her.”

Nurse: “She wants attention. Ignore it.”

(I find my teacher.)

Me: “This patient isn’t mine, but she’s been screaming. I keep getting told she’s attention seeking, but she has a cath and no output.”

Teacher: “I’ll check her.”

(I go about my day, and right before the students meet with the teacher for end of the day, I check in with the patient and she starts crying and thanking me profusely, saying nobody else listens, and I helped, and now she is ok. I note there is urine output in the bag. I go on to meet my class, and my teacher starts our reporting. As her final note:)

Teacher: “Oh, and [My Name] saved a woman’s life today!”

Me: “I did?”

Teacher: “Her catheter was misplaced. She had no urine output. You noticed while everyone else ignored her. When I placed her catheter correctly, the bag overflowed. Her bladder was close to bursting, which could have been serious or even killed her. Let this be a lesson, class: don’t ignore a patient just because they aren’t yours or want attention.”

[florida80]

Eating In Reverse
Hospital, Ohio, USA | Healthy | January 12, 2018
(I am in the ER waiting to be treated for a severe migraine with EXTREME nausea. In the next cubicle is a man who apparently had a blockage in his digestive system. A stomach pump has just begun when I am shown to my cubicle. I am very happy not to have been an “ear-witness” to the tube insertion!)

Female In Next Cubicle: “Oh, look! There’s a jelly bean! And that must be the chicken from dinner!”

(She continued describing every morsel being pumped from his stomach. My nausea increased to the point that I vomited on the floor near the curtain. She wasn’t as excited about seeing what I had eaten. It stopped her narrative, though.)

[florida80]

Benzo Combo No No
Pharmacy, USA, Virginia | Healthy | January 11, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I work in a popular chain pharmacy/convenience store as a pharmacy technician. It is a week before Christmas and patients are swarming in to get medications refilled before they depart for the holidays. I’m currently working at a prescription filling station that is directly across from where the pharmacist verifies them, allowing us to talk as we work. Another technician takes in a couple of prescriptions and preps them for data entry; however, when the pharmacist spots them, he immediately sees a problem.)

Pharmacist: “Whoa, I am not filling this.”

Other Technician: “Why, what’s up?”

Pharmacist: “This drug combo, carisoprodol, benzo, and an opiate…”

Me: “Bad combo?”

Pharmacist: “It’s outright lethal. I need to speak with the patient.”

(We try to page the patient back to the pharmacy via the store intercom, but it appears that they’ve already left. The pharmacist decides to contact the doctor who prescribed the drug trio to alert them to the potentially fatal consequences. He immediately identifies this doctor as being a sketchy one that he has dealt with in the past. Nonetheless, he steels himself for the call and gets him on the line.)

Pharmacist: “Hi, I’m calling because of a couple of prescriptions that you’ve prescribed for [Patient]. When taken together these drugs are a potentially lethal combo. I wanted to see if perhaps we could if we could get the carisoprodol switched to, say Flexeril.”

Doctor: “There’s been no issues in the past.”

Pharmacist: “Right… but you are aware that is THE Unholy Trinity of drugs, correct? If nothing has happened previously then great, but all it takes is a single time or misstep and the patient is going to die. I highly suggest a switch here.”

Doctor: “I don’t want to do that.”

Pharmacist: *blinks* “So, just so we’re on the same page, you want to knowingly prescribe this potentially deadly combo to the patient, rather than switching?”

Doctor: “I’ve already discussed it with the patient. It’s fine.”

Pharmacist: “Okay, well, I’m going to notify the patient of your decision and make them aware of what’s going on here. I need to cover my bases.”

Doctor: “All right, sure.”

(The pharmacist was shocked by the nonchalant nature of the doctor, but decided to follow his gut instinct and not fill all three scripts. While there are noted instances of patients taking these drugs together, they are few and far between, and the benefits do not outweigh the risks; finally, the sketchy nature of the doctor meant that the pharmacist was less than comfortable doing so. He notified the patient of the situation (who seemed more disappointed with the fact that we wouldn’t fill all three drugs than with the fact that the combo was lethal) and wrote a note on the prescription stating that it was denied as well as our contact number should the patient try to have it filled elsewhere.)

[florida80]

Even The Paperwork Is Making Assumptions
Hospital, USA | Healthy | January 11, 2018
(I have a concussion and am getting a CT scan. The tech hands me a waiver where I sign that I’m not pregnant. I have to check a reason that I know this. I look up and down the list, and see reasons such as “I’ve had a hysterectomy,” “I’ve had tubal ligation,” “I had a negative pregnancy test done in the hospital today,” and “I have gone through menopause.” I don’t see one that describes my situation so I draw a box at the end of the list, and write, “I’m a virgin.” I check my box, sign it, and hand it back to the tech.)

Tech: “Do we really not have an option for that? Wow.”

[florida80]

This Is Not A Test(es)
New York, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 11, 2018
(I work as a receptionist in a small, single-doctor veterinary practice. A first-time dog owner drops off his 6-month-old male Golden Doodle to be neutered. The surgery is routine, and the dog goes home that evening. I get this phone call the following day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Veterinary Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “This is [Client]. I brought Fluffy in to be neutered yesterday. Did you also remove his testicles?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Client: “Did the doctor remove Fluffy’s testicles yesterday when he was in to be neutered?”

Me: “Y-yes. That’s what the procedure is.”

Client: “I wish someone had explained that to me before I agreed to the surgery. Dr.

[Name] only said Fluffy would be castrated, not that his testicles would be removed.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

They Get Sex, You Get Fish
Canada, Clinic, Manitoba, Winnipeg | Healthy | January 10, 2018
(My husband and I had decided to go on a trip to the Dominican Republic with another couple. This couple is about 10 years younger than we are and more attractive. When we go to get our vaccinations before the trip, this happens.)

Nurse: *to the other couple* “Now, you two weren’t planning on getting up to anything naughty with the locals, were you?”

Male Friend: *grinning* “Like what?”

Nurse: *wags finger coyly* “You know what I mean. No sexual activity, okay? You could catch something that these shots won’t prevent.”

Female Friend: “Don’t worry, we won’t.”

Nurse: “Good to know. Have fun. Next!”

Me & My Husband: “That would be us.”

Nurse: *suddenly very business-like* “I have a warning for you two, as well.”

Me: “Don’t have sex with the locals?”

Nurse: “What? No, I was going to warn you not to eat the fish. It might make you sick.”

(As we walked away, my husband said “I feel vaguely insulted and I’m not sure why.”)

[florida80]

Would Have Thought That Was Obvious
Hospital, Melbourne, USA, Victoria | Healthy | January 10, 2018
(I go to get an internal ultrasound due to some gynecological issues. The place I’ve been referred to is specifically for women’s ultrasounds and while they do things for not-pregnant women, most of their work is women who are trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, or just had a baby. They need to check off a couple of things before they start and the technician is going through my file notes.)

Tech: “I see here that you have the copper IUD.”

Me: “Yeah, I got it about six months ago.”

Tech: “Why do you have one?”

Me: “…because I don’t want babies?”

Tech: *laughs* “Yeah, that was a stupid question. I meant copper was an unusual choice. Why not the [Brand]?”

[florida80]

Their Attitude Is Nothing But A Puff Of Air
Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 10, 2018
(This is back when the “puff of air” type of glaucoma test was still common. I am 13 or so at this point and have a very strong blink reflex, as well as anxiety that makes me very uncomfortable in medical offices, meaning I have a bad startle reflex, as well. My dad has warned me that the glaucoma test is unpleasant, so I make a request of the nurse doing the test.)

Me: “Can you please count down before you shoot the air? I’ll jump really badly otherwise.”

Nurse: *dismissively* “Uh huh, got it.”

(I’m shaking like crazy when I put my eye up to the machine but trust that the nurse will honor my request. I hear her making some adjustments, and then suddenly she shoots me with the air and I nearly fall out of my chair.)

Me: *startled and close to tears* “You said you’d count.”

Nurse: “I can’t; you’d move away if you knew when it was coming. Oh, come on, you jumped so fast my results got messed up, so we’ll have to redo that eye.”

(She has to do the test three times on one eye and two on the other because I keep jumping so badly. By the time she finishes, I am a wreck and terrified of coming back the next year. Fortunately, shortly after that they raise the minimum age for the test to 18, but when I reach 19 and have an appointment at a new practice I’m still petrified at the thought of the test.)

Me: *to the nurse* “Is there any way I can opt out of the glaucoma test? I don’t have a family history of it and I’m not old enough to be at risk yet.” *I explain my bad experience from years earlier*

New Nurse: “Oh, don’t worry, we actually don’t use that version of the test here. It’s not as accurate, anyway.”

(The new version involves numbing drops and having the eye touched with a small instrument, and I didn’t feel a thing. The new nurse said the other woman had no reason not to count down for me.)

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Childish Behavior, Part 3
Dentist, UK | Healthy | January 9, 2018
(I arrive for a dentist appointment to have some X-rays of my jaw. I am sitting in the waiting room for around 10 minutes when I am called through.)

Dentist: “Okay, sit yourself back down and we’ll take a look.”

(She starts feeling around my gum line. I’m not sure why, but just assume it has something to do with the X-ray.)

Dentist: “How does that feel?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Dentist: “Is it numbed up yet?”

Me: “No?”

Dentist: “Hmmm. We can’t give you any more anaesthetic today. We’ll give it another few minutes.”

Me: “Umm, you haven’t given me any anaesthetic.”

Dentist: *turns back to computer* “Are you [Name]?”

Me: “No, I’m [My Name].”

Dentist: “Oh, you’re my next appointment. Looks like [Assistant] called you in by mistake.”

(I was sent back out and the other patient is called in — a young girl, while I’m a 27-year-old man. I was honestly so shaken by how the dentist didn’t realise the difference that I left and forgot the appointment. I didn’t go back for another two years until the pain in my jaw reached unbearable, at which time most of the staff had been replaced (including my old dentist). I had to register again, but I was put with someone more competent. I got my X-rays and found out I have temporomandibular disorder. I was sent to my GP (which admittedly I should have gone to initially) and prescribed antidepressants to try and relax the muscles. I put myself through two years of additional pain because I was mistaken for a child.)

[florida80]

Childish Behavior, Part 2
Outdoors/Outside | Friendly | November 9, 2016
(I’m walking up the high street behind a random man, who’s just about to pass a charity worker. They tend to gather here to encourage people to sign up.)

Charity Worker: *trying to block his path* “Sir! Sir, how are you today?”

Man: *walks around him* “Fine, thanks.”

Charity Worker: *speeds up to walk alongside him* “Would you like to hear about the work of [Children’s Charity] today and how you can help us improve the lives of children throughout the UK?”

Man: *veering away* “No, thanks. I have to go.”

Charity Worker: “For as little as £25 a month, you could make a huge difference to them! Let me tell you about the ways in which you could help us—”

Man: *speeding up* “I’m not interested!”

Charity Worker: *stopping and shouting down the street after him* “SIR! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!”

Man: *over his shoulder* “NOT REALLY, NO!”

[florida80]

Childish Behavior
Publishing | Working | June 9, 2014
(One art director is always very unfriendly.)

Me: “Sometimes, I wonder whether I did something to offend [Art Director], and that’s why she’s always so rude to me.”

(The art director walks by, scowling.)

Boss: “Like what? Killed all her children?”

[florida80]

Both Ends Of The Insides
Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 9, 2018
(I’m at my annual check-up, discussing heartburn.)

Doctor: “With patients your age, I try to schedule upper GI exams with colonoscopies, to take a good look from both ends while you’re sedated.”

Me: “Makes sense.”

Doctor: “Different scopes, though, for either end! No sharing allowed!”

[florida80]

89 And Feeling Fine
Columbia, Medical Office, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | January 9, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(My dad, who is in his late 80s, goes in for his yearly check up.)

Doctor: “Well, Mr [Dad], Everything looks good except the fact you have gained a little over 10 pounds since I last saw you.”

Dad: *sighs* “Does that mean I have to go on a diet? With Christmas coming up it’s going to be hard. My daughters, grandchildren, and son are all great cooks and they always make all sorts of yummy things for me for gifts.”

Doctor: “Sir, you are 89 years old. I wish my blood pressure was as good as yours. Your cholesterol is perfect, your blood sugar is perfect, your heart is as healthy as any 30-year-old, you can see perfectly with a little help of glasses for reading, you take NO medication of any kind, not even aspirin. You walk. Frankly, I wish I was in as good of health as you are and I am over 35 years younger. Honestly, at this point in your life, I vote you just eat anything and everything you want. You obviously are doing just fine.”

[florida80]

A Large Cavity In Their Diagnosis
Arizona, Dentist, USA | Healthy | January 8, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(Recently I’ve had some tooth pain on the lower left jaw which prompts going to the dentist. As I have severe anxiety and my medication causes some dry mouth, it’s necessary to inform the dentist about it. Note that I’ve had anxiety since about thirteen and am now in my twenties.)

Dentist #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *after having done nothing more than look in my mouth* “Do you have any medical conditions?”

Me: “I have anxiety.”

Dentist #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Okay, so, when you have anxiety and stress you can grind your teeth and since you have some gum disease you must be creating a sore spot. I’m not seeing any evidence of grinding, but let’s go ahead and get you treated for gum disease. We’ll need to schedule four [Expensive Treatments].”

(He then leaves, ‘finished’ with his exam, and cannot be found when I go to leave. I am furious that he’d brushed it off as being my anxiety, and I promptly found another dentist who was able to get me in quickly.)

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *having spent a good ten minutes poking and prodding the teeth along my left side* “Okay, and do you have any medical conditions?”

Me: “I have anxiety and take medication for it.”

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Do those medications cause any dry mouth or irritation?”

Me: “A little dry mouth.”

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Okay, that’s probably contributed to the little bit of gum disease I’m seeing, but that can be fixed with a deep cleaning. The biggest problem I’m seeing is that you have a wisdom tooth with a massive cavity. It is possible that wisdom tooth is transferring the pain down to here—” *indicating exactly where I’d showed him it was hurting earlier* “Pulling that should help. We can do either pulling, the cleaning, or do them both today.”

Me: “What about the teeth grinding?”

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “What teeth grinding?”

Me: “Another dentist told me it was just my anxiety making me grind my teeth.”

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Did he mention the grand-canyon sized cavity in the wisdom tooth?”

Me: “No.”

Dentist #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Then you might want to never go there again. That was the first thing I saw, and I can’t find a trace of teeth grinding.”

(I ended up getting the wisdom tooth pulled and aside from the pain of having said tooth pulled, my mouth felt better! He also prescribed some antibiotics to help prevent infection from the cavity and that would help clear up some of the gum disease. The cleaning is scheduled for a few weeks from now to give my mouth plenty of time to heal. He also recommended I look into a dry mouth rinse and asked if there were any special procedures to keep in mind for my next appointment because of my anxiety. It just goes to show that looking at the entire problem and not just a small part of it can fix things a lot faster and easier!)

[florida80]

What A Bloody Fiasco!
Indiana, Indianapolis, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | January 8, 2018
My mom is having some blood tests done. The technician takes the sample and has my mom put pressure on her arm for a few minutes. Mom then puts on her coat, leaves the office, and heads for the elevator.

When the elevator arrives, the woman inside looks at my mom and shouts, “LADY!” Mom looks down and sees blood running down her arm and hand.

She goes back to the doctor’s office, where the staff bandage her arm, clean her coat as best they can, and make her wait half an hour to make sure she’s OK before sending her home.

The next morning, she gets a call from the doctor’s office. “Could you come in again today? The driver who came to pick up the samples yesterday dropped and broke them all.”

[florida80]

Taking Them All Into Custard-y
Hospital, UK | Healthy | January 8, 2018
(I am in hospital for a suspected concussion. It is lunch time and I have ordered some custard. I am about to start eating it when a nurse on the ward comes up to me.)

Nurse: “Sorry, [My Name], but you can’t have that.”

Me: “Why not?”

Nurse: “It doesn’t meet his dietary requirements.” *points to patient on other side of the ward*

Me: “It doesn’t meet his?”

Nurse: “No.”

Me: “Well, it meets mine.”

Nurse: “That’s not how it works.”

Me: *looking around* “Two other people have ordered custard, too. Are you going to take theirs as well?”

Nurse: “…” *walks away*

(I asked the head nurse about it later, and she told me that she does it repeatedly through the week with the head trauma patients, and secretly eats it herself. They’ve found her in the wet room several times, sometimes with multiple servings. They’ve all tried to complain, but whenever she’s at risk of losing her job, she claims to be of [Country] descent, which seems keeps the higher-ups at a distance, cautious of racial discrimination claims.)

[florida80]

Don’t Need X-Ray Vision To See What’s Wrong
Phone, UK | Healthy | January 7, 2018
(I have requested copies of a recent chest X-ray, as for whatever reason therapist has been unable to receive them. I have decided to just to pay for them, as overall the process is easier and faster. Curious, I decide to look at them once they arrive, and end up calling the department again.)

Me: “I’ve just looked over these X-rays and they aren’t mine.”

Person: “I’ll just put you onto the technician; he usually handles requests.”

Technician: “I doubt you would understand the difference between yourself and another person in terms of an X-ray, so I must disagree. They are yours.”

Me: “Are you looking at them now?”

Technician: “Yes.”

Me: “And you don’t see anything odd, like breasts?”

Technician: “…”

Me: “Or, nipple piercings?”

Technician: “Let me just check that for you.” *mumbles* “Who the h*** has an X-ray with nipple piercings in?!”

Me: “I don’t know, but I trust this matter will be resolved quickly.”

Technician: “Of course. I will ring you back later today.”

(He didn’t ring back, and I ended up ringing up every day for weeks before I could get through to him. He finally, and begrudgingly, admitted that my X-rays had gone missing and I needed to come in for more. I assume he must have discovered they were missing, and decided to just send out someone else’s instead. I was horrified by the whole experience, and had my therapist request I have the X-rays done elsewhere. I submitted a formal complaint, but I don’t know if anything happened as I have put myself at distance from them.)