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Old 05-11-2021   #601
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Don’t Let That Butterfly Flutter By
HOME | ROMANTIC | JUNE 13, 2014
(I’m on the phone with my friend, who is a very confident person and is able to get any guy that comes her way. Today is different.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], um… I need your help.”

(She sounds very nervous about something, so instantly I’m worried.)

Me: “Okay, hun, what’s wrong?”

Friend: “So… you know that friend of mine, [Female Friend]? Um… she… kind of confessed her feelings to me. As in… she says she’s in love with me.”

Me: “Oh…”

Friend: “What do I do?!”

Me: “Well, do you like her back?”

Friend: “I… I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.”

Me: “Well, it’s time to think about it now. Think about making out. If you feel sick, then it’s a no. If you feel nothing, it means you might be curious. If you feel butterflies then you might want to say yes to a date.”

(My friend is silent for a few moments as she thinks about it.)

Friend: “S***. I think I have to ask her out.”

(They’ve been together for nearly five years now.)
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Old 05-11-2021   #602
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To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due, Part 4
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | OCTOBER 9, 2013
(I am helping a customer with a return. Due to past misuses of the system, our registers are set to only do returns in the original payment method, or as a store gift card.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, this was done as debit. I can either put it on a gift card, or back onto the same card, if you have it on you.”

Customer: “What? Debit’s the same as cash! Why can’t I get cash?”

Me: “I apologize, but that’s our policy. We can only do it in the method it was originally done, or store credit.”

Customer: “Well that’s just wrong. Debit is the same as cash! Everywhere!”

Me: “I understand, and I am sorry, but these are the only options I’m allowed.”

Customer: *handing me her card* “Well fine, put it back on the card.”

Me: *as I slide the card* “It may take one or two business days to show back up. Here’s your copy of the return, and I hope you have a nice day.”

Customer: *reading her return receipt* “Hey! It says credit on here! I paid debit!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The system has to credit it back to your card. It looks a little weird, but the money is going back.”

Customer: “If I use credit, I’ll be fined! My card doesn’t do credit! That first receipt said debit!”

Me: “Yes, the original purchase is definitely debit. Ma’am, it’s not charging your card; it’s crediting money back. I don’t know your particular bank, but there’s never been an issue—”

Customer: “What is your name? If there’s a problem, I want to know. And give me that original receipt back. It says debit.”

Me: “I’m [Name]. Give me just a second to copy some info off this receipt onto the return, and you’ll have it right back.”

(At this point, the customer is fed up, and leaves without waiting for her original receipt. I staple it to the return, and turn to help the next customer. Several days later, the same customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi. I was in here a couple of days ago, and you were helping me with a return. I… just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you. I was having a bad day, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Me: “Oh! Thank you! I take it the return processed as it should?”

Customer: “Yes. But even if it hadn’t, there’s no excuse for the way I was acting.”

Me: “Well, thank you. Everyone has a bad day now and then.”

(Her making a point to return and say sorry was such a pleasant surprise; it improved the whole rest of my shift.)
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Old 05-11-2021   #603
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A Latte Attitude
COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2014
(It is the middle of summer with temperatures climbing into the triple digits.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “One large chai tea latte.”

Me: “Alright, no problem. Would you like that hot or iced today?”

(The customer stares at me.)

Customer: “Chai tea latte.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Iced or hot?”

Customer: “Latte!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The chai tea latte comes iced or hot, and—”

Customer: “Christ! Latte means hot! Do they teach you nothing?! Just give me my chai latte!”
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Old 05-11-2021   #604
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They Hit Pay Hurt
TELEMARKETING | WORKING | DECEMBER 12, 2013
(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)
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Old 05-11-2021   #605
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Customer Service Is Its Own Reward
VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 9, 2013
(I have been talking to a father and son for roughly an hour about many different headsets, so that they can weigh all the pros and cons and decide on the best pair for them.)

Father: “Okay, we’ll take two of the [headsets].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we actually don’t have those in stock. We sold our last one today. I can check to see if somewhere nearby does if you’d like?”

Father: “Oh yes, absolutely!”

(I check in the system, and let him know the nearest store that has two of the headsets he wants.)

Father: “Thank you so much. Do I mention your name when I get there?”

Me: “No, sir, just ask for the headsets. They’ll pull them right out for you.”

Father: “But don’t you get credit somehow? You told me everything, and I’m not even buying from you.”

Me: “No, sir, we don’t. I really appreciate that you notice this, but I’m very happy to have directed you to a product you enjoy. It really makes my day just for you to want us to be credited with the sale.”

(The son pulls the father to the side and begins talking, then the two exit the store after waving and expressing their thanks. Around two hours later, I notice them come back in the store.)

Me: “Welcome back! Did something happen?”

Father: “Oh no. We got everything just fine. They had just what we wanted, but we felt so bad that you don’t get anything out of the deal, so we got this for you.”

(The son hands me a gift card.)

Me: “Wow, thank you! I can’t believe you did this. This is so nice!”

Son: “It’s not fair that you helped us, and we didn’t help you. I had extra allowance money.”

(I shake the father’s hand and give the son a big hug. I have the biggest smile on my face, and I praise them for being such wonderful people. It’s gestures like these that make me so happy to provide customer service where it’s needed.)
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Old 05-11-2021   #606
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The Lawsuit Has A Ghost Of A Chance
HOSPITAL | RIGHT | JANUARY 6, 2014
(I’m just coming on shift in the emergency room. A patient approaches my desk, then leans over and glares down at me.)

Patient: “I just want you to know that if I go home and die because of your substandard care that I’m going to sue you and never forgive the hospital.”

(The patient doesn’t give me any chance to say anything before he walks out the door.)

Coworker: “I wonder how many lawyers take on angry ghosts as clients?”
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Old 05-11-2021   #607
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Ducking From Discipline
ELEMENTARY/PRIMARY SCHOOL | LEARNING | SEPTEMBER 15, 2013
(Our eighth-grade teacher was the former kindergarten teacher at our school, so although most of us knew her, we didn’t know what to expect from her.)

Teacher: “Okay, now I know you’re teenagers who just got back from summer vacation, but if I’ve learned anything from teaching kindergarten it’s that you have to start discipline early.”

(The teacher notices that the class is too busy talking and chatting to listen.)

Teacher: “One, two, three… You asked for it!”

(She grabs the large chalkboard erasers from their holders and holds them above her head.)

Teacher: “DUCK!”

(The class screams and dives under their desks.)

Teacher: *calmly* “This is how you will behave from now on, because now you know I’m crazy enough to handle you!”
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Old 05-11-2021   #608
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Another Exhibit In The Case Of “Why Nurses Should Rule The World”
AUSTRIA, AWESOME, HOSPITAL, INSPIRATIONAL, NURSES, VIENNA | HEALTHY | DECEMBER 3, 2020
My parents are with my severely disabled sister who is being prepped for an operation. We take care of her at home and have a live-in nurse, but she still ends up in the hospital every few months, so the nurses are quite familiar with my family.

Nurse: “Would you like to remove your daughter’s nail polish?”

Mother: “Is it really necessary?”

Nurse: “Well, yes. We need to be able to see her nails during the operation to make sure she’s getting enough oxygen.”

Mother: “Oh, I see. It’s only that my other daughter painted her nails before going to college, and she won’t be back home for months. She went all the way to America and we can’t afford to bring her back every time [Sister] is hospitalized.”

Nurse: “Ach, I’m very sorry.”

She makes small talk with my parents while removing the nail polish. There are no comments about how my sister wouldn’t understand or even notice the nail polish, just reassuring chatter.

When they wheeled my sister back after the operation, my mother broke down in tears; they’d repainted my sister’s nails. When my mother told me about it, I teared up, too.

I still think of that nurse’s kindness — how she must’ve left the hospital to get nail polish of a similar shade and then painted my sister’s tiny nails. It sounds like such a small thing, but it was so completely outside her job scope and so sweet of her. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
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Old 05-11-2021   #609
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Excuses That Don’t Hold Water
FLORIDA, HOTEL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MONEY, ORLANDO, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 2, 2010
Me: “Thanks for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a room next weekend. My kid has a swim meet down there.”

Me: “Okay. Rooms with two doubles are going for $135.”

Customer: “Give me a corporate rate on that room.”

Me: “Sir, corporate rates are for business travel. You just told me you were coming for a swim meet.”

Customer: “Well, uh, I sell swimsuits!”
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Old 05-11-2021   #610
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A Muted Reaction
HOME | ROMANTIC | FEBRUARY 1, 2016
(My husband is sitting on the couch watching TV. I come in to tell him some good news.)

Me: “Hey honey, guess what?”

Husband: “Huh?” *keeps staring at TV*

Me: “I said, ‘Guess what?'”

Husband: “Uh…what?”

Me: “The pregnancy test is positive!”

Husband: “Cool. Let me finish this movie. I’ve never seen it.”

Me: “That’s all I get? Cool?”

Husband: *holds fist out for knuckle bump* “Better?”
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Old 05-11-2021   #611
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Fuming Over The Gas, Part 2
CRAFT STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 25, 2012
(We are located in a small strip mall. As I am checking out a customer, I see a police officer walk in and two fire trucks pull up. The officer comes up to me and ask if there is a manager around.)

Me: *to my manager* “Um…. the police are here. They said they need to talk to a manager.”

Manager: “I’ll be right there.”

(When she comes to the front, we find out that the building next to us has a gas leak. We make an announcement to evacuate the store. Outside the store is myself, the front manager, night manager, and two framers.)

Framer #1 : “You know, I get the feeling a customer is going to ask what going on…” *motions to the fire trucks and the orange cones blocking the store’s entrance* “…and when we tell them, they will ask if we’re open.”

Framer #2 : “Don’t be ridiculous!”

(Just then a female customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Oh my, what’s going on here?”

Me: “A gas leak happened next door. It’s starting to leak into ours.”

Customer: “Oh… so are you open?”

Me: *stunned* “Um, no we aren’t. We had to evacuate.”

(The customer huffs and grumbles about me being lazy. She then goes to the night manager, who tells her the same thing.)

Customer: “But that’s next door’s problem! Why is it yours!?”

Manager: “Because the gas is leaking into our store.”

Customer: “But I need to get something! Can’t you let me in?”

(This carries on, as both the front manager and the framers both explain to her why she cannot go in. The police officer walks over.)

Officer: “Ma’am, we cannot let you or anyone in. If you will be patient, the fire department will see what the levels are, and then we could possibly let you in.”

Customer: *huffs and storms off*

Framer #1 : “I was only kidding when I said that!”

Framer #2 : “You should know by now: when somebody becomes a customer, they lose all common sense.”
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Old 05-11-2021   #612
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Third Time Is A Charmer
HOME | ROMANTIC | FEBRUARY 14, 2013
(Before Valentine’s Day, 2007…)

Me: *to my boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

(Despite what I tell him, I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend: “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2008…)

Me: *talking to my next boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at last year’s boyfriend for doing it.”

Boyfriend #2 : “Okay.”

(I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend #2 : “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2009…)

Me: *to yet ANOTHER boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at the last two boyfriends for doing it. And it’s your birthday, so seriously. Just don’t.”

Boyfriend #3 : “Okay.”

(He doesn’t get flowers for me on Valentine’s Day. I call and thank him.)

Me: “THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend #3 : “Well, if you tell me not to do something, I won’t.”

(I’m marrying him this year!)
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Old 05-11-2021   #613
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Medium Coffee, Large Gesture
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | DECEMBER 22, 2013
(I’ve been made part time at work. Money is tight and I’m struggling a bit. I have $1.95 left in my purse.)

Me: “Hi. How much is a medium coffee with the tax? Is it less that $1.95?”

Barista: “It’s $1.84 with the tax.”

Me: “Great, I’d just have a medium then, please.”

(The barista starts to pour coffee into a medium cup, then stops.)

Barista: “You usually have large don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t have enough money.”

Barista: “How much money do you have?”

Me: “$1.95.”

(The barista picks up a large cup. She pours the contents of the medium into the large, fills it and gives it to me.)

Barista: “Here you go!”

(It was such a little thing, but it made my whole day!)
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Old 05-11-2021   #614
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Getting To The Root Of The Problem
EDITORS' CHOICE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MOVIES & TV, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 2, 2009
(I am selling souvenir programs and backpacks for “Legally Blonde: The Musical” in the lobby. The customer I’m talking to is a brunette; so am I.)

Me: “Would you like a souvenir program?”

Customer: “But you’re not blond.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am? Would you like a program?”

Customer: “This is Legally Blonde! You should be blond.”

Me: *thinking she’s joking* “You know, it’s funny… I was blond for six months and just dyed my hair back to my natural color before I found out this show was coming.”

Customer: *completely serious* “But you are not blond!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I am not.”

Customer: “Why would they let you sell things for the show when you are not blond?”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to be blond to work at the theater.”

Customer: “But it’s Legally BLONDE!”

Me: *giving up* “You see, ma’am, they needed someone who could do math, so they got a brunette.”

Customer: “Oh, that makes sense. I will take two, then!”

Customer #2 : “Well played. Now I feel like I have to buy one!”
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Old 05-11-2021   #615
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Full Of S***
JERK, PARKING LOT, PETS & ANIMALS, REVOLTING, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 31, 2008
(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a god-d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”
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Old 05-11-2021   #616
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Trying To Remember Without A Dismember
POST OFFICE | RIGHT | JANUARY 28, 2014
(I work at the customer service desk of a member-owned co-op store.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Member: “This is [Name]. I need to phone [Local Celebrity] but I don’t have his phone number and he’s not on the phone book.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We can’t give out the phone numbers of our members.”

Member: “But you don’t understand! This is very important! He is coming over for dinner, and I was planning to serve chicken, but now I’m thinking he may be a vegetarian! I have to ask him!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I still can’t give you his phone number.”

Member: “But I’m a member! I own the store! You have to do what I say!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t just give other member’s information from their file.”

Member: “Fine! Can you call him instead, ask him if he eats chicken, and then call me back?”
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Old 05-11-2021   #617
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Anatomically Correct Vs Politically Incorrect
BIZARRE, RETAIL, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 16, 2010
(I’m in the restroom while on duty in uniform. I walk in the door.)

Customer: *startled* “Oh!”

Me: “Sorry, excuse me.”

Customer: “You people use the bathroom, too?”

Me: “Yes. We only have the one, so everyone uses the same one.”

Customer: “I guess I never thought of you as real people.”
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Old 05-11-2021   #618
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Making A Loud A-pee-l
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JANUARY 15, 2013
(We are a tiny restaurant that just so happens to be at the end of a large parade route. So, we often get lot of requests for a public restroom, which we do not have. One day, a customer comes running in holding his young daughter.)

Customer: “Quick! Which way to your restroom?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our restroom is for customers only.”

Customer: “You son of a b****! My daughter needs to go now!”

(At this point, his daughter becomes scared and starts peeing herself.)

Customer: *to me* “LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!”

(The customer runs out, leaving a wet trail behind for me to mop up.)
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Old 05-11-2021   #619
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Humor Is Generational
CALIFORNIA, FAMILY & KIDS, FUNNY, GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, RETAIL, SAN JOSE | RIGHT | JULY 21, 2010
(A customer who’s about 85 years old approaches customer service. It is Father’s Day.)

Customer: “Where do you keep your belts?”

Me: “Over in the men’s department.”

Customer: “And where do you keep your grooming sets?”

Me: “In the men’s department, as well.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks! I’m buying a Father’s Day present for my dad and grandfather!”

(I tell him he’s welcome and turn back to what I was doing. I notice a few seconds later that he’s still there.)

Me: “Is there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *grinning widely* “Do you believe me?!”
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Old 05-11-2021   #620
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Don’t Go Gentle On Him
HOME | RELATED | OCTOBER 30, 2013
(My cousin is probably the rudest person I’ve ever met. Whenever he’s in town, I beg my parents to let him stay with them so he doesn’t stay at my apartment, because he’s always so rude to my female neighbors. This particular visit, he DOES have to stay at my house, and I’ve recently gotten a new neighbor.)

Cousin: “D***, baby, youse all kinds of ffooiine!”

(My neighbor replies absently as she looks through her mail.)

Neighbor: “Don’t use words you can’t spell, Dear; it’s not cute.”

Cousin: “Hey, b****! You owe me respect; you best be showing it!”

Neighbor: “Do something to earn it.”

(My cousin runs ahead and opens the door he thinks she’s headed to.)

Cousin: “A true gentleman opens the door for a b****, and then slaps her a**!”

Neighbor: “Does that also mean ‘true gentlemen’ have broken wrists?”

Cousin: “You can’t break my wrist; youse a girl!”

(My cousin tries to grope her, and ends up face-first in the carpet in a submission hold.)

Neighbor: “I’m going to give you a little tip: don’t try to grope corrections officers.”

Cousin: “You’re a WHAT?!”

Neighbor: “And I would recommend that you actually learn what being a true gentleman means if you really want people to treat you with respect.”

(She lets him go, and heads back to her apartment. I’ll admit, though, after this my cousin actually did try to be a better person, and was WAY more respectful!)
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