Food for the body and soul

No Soup For You! Part 5
Grocery Store, Impossible Demands, Jerk, North Carolina, Phone, Stupid, USA | Right | May 2, 2022
The phone rings.

Me: “Hello, [Grocery Store], how can I help today?”

Caller: “Tell me about your soups.”

Me: “Did you want our canned soups, our soup of the day, or the local prepacked soup?”

Caller: “Oh! You know what?! I bought some the other day. Let me grab it and you can tell me more about it!” *Her phone rustles* “Okay, here it is.”

There’s a long silence.

Me: “…umm?”

Caller: “Could you let me know more about this?”

Me: “Ma’am… I can’t see what you are holding.”

Caller: “What?! Are you blind?!”

Me: “You know what? I may actually be visually impaired, but at least I can understand how a telephone works.”

Caller: “…oh, God!” *Click*

Just A Sample Of Bad Service
Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | June 8, 2022
My job requires yearly blood work, as I work with chemicals on a daily basis. I am phobic of needles and have hard-to-find veins, so the onsite health services usually refer me straight to a lab with a trained phlebotomist to make things easier on everyone.

This year, they apparently switched which company they contract through, so I am told to go to a new place, which turns out to be an Urgent Care clinic. I warn the nurse about the issues getting blood from me before and about my phobia, but despite me trying to point her to the best spot, she insists she knows better and ended up digging in my arm for a good two minutes before I beg her to stop and have a minor panic attack.

Once I calm down, not wanting to have to come back, I give them one more chance, but ONLY in the spot that I indicated. After about fifteen seconds of digging while I cover my face and try not to shake:

Nurse: *Surprised* “Oh!”

Me: *Shaky laugh* “Told ya.”

I keep it together long enough to finish the blood draw and get out to go have another panic attack in my car. Whatever, it’s over, and I don’t have to do it for another year.

And then, a week later, I get a call.

Nurse: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Nurse: “We’re going to need you to come back in. We lost your sample.”

Me: “You what?!”

Nurse: “It got lost in transit.”

Me: “It took half an hour and two panic attacks to get that sample!”

Nurse: “I apologize, ma’am, but…”

Once the call finishes, I immediately call health services, and their reaction is a similar, “They WHAT?!” followed by an apology that I have to do it again and a promise to send me straight to a lab. Unfortunately, I have to return to the Urgent Care to get a referral from them, though health services send me with additional paperwork and a number to call if there are any issues. Sure enough:

Nurse #2 : “Oh, we don’t do referrals.”

Me: “Please call the number listed here. They should be able to clarify things.”

I am not sure what was said on the phone, but from a combination of [Nurse #2 ]’s expression and how I was meekly given a referral several minutes later, I can make some educated guesses. Thankfully, the lab I went to had a trained and experienced phlebotomist on staff, and the second blood draw went much smoother.

Insuring That You Feel Even Sicker
Health & Body, Insurance, Maryland, Money, Pharmacy, Police, USA | Healthy | June 6, 2022
I’m feeling under the weather, and I go and see my doctor. My complaint is a simple one and all I need is a three-dose run of medication. I go in to the local major chain pharmacy and drop off my prescription.

Later, I get a call telling me that they can’t run my script as it was rejected by the insurance company.

Dang it.

I go in and find out that, while my condition is severe enough that I really need three doses to clear it up, the insurance company will only allow the more common two-dose run. Three, apparently, is right out and is an offense to the Insurance Deities.

Me: “Okay, what if we don’t involve insurance? How much would this be if I just paid out of pocket?”

Pharmacy Tech: “You can’t do that. The insurance company rejected it.”

Me: “I understand that. What if we don’t submit it to insurance and I just pay cash?”

Pharmacy Tech: “You cannot do that. The insurance company denied it.”

Me: “If I didn’t have insurance, what would you have done?”

Pharmacy Tech: “We’d have just charged you the cost of the medication.”

Me: “Okay, how abo—”

Pharmacy Tech: *Cutting me off* “We cannot do that. The insurance company denied it. You cannot get your medication.”

Me: “F*** the insurance company! I want to run this as an out-of-pocket! How. Much. Is. It?”

Pharmacy Tech: “Sir! I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

At this point, I had to reach down deep and find my inner Entitled Jerk. I demanded the manager.

Basically, what happened next was pretty much the conversation above but with a manager backing the pharmacy tech up. Eventually, I asked for the script back and was told that since it was denied and had been stamped as denied, they could not give it to me.

I started to get really annoyed and was about to really flip out, but then the police officer they called while we were going around tapped me on the shoulder and explained that I was being trespassed off of the grounds.

The officer was polite about it, listened to my side of the story, and agreed that it was unfair and that I should have been able to get my meds or at least get my script back.

Eventually, I called my doctor back, they issued another script, and I went to a locally-owned pharmacy. I told them that insurance was not going to cover it and that I wanted to just pay for the medication if it wasn’t too expensive. They told me, it was reasonable (very reasonable), I paid, and I got my meds.

The kicker? Without coupons or pharmacy discounts, the medication was only $8.34 a pill. I got banned from my pharmacy over a lousy nine bucks.

An Expected Puppy… And A Couple More
Funny, Pets & Animals, Vet | Healthy | June 4, 2022
CONTENT WARNING: Animal Death

Years ago, my aunt was positive that her Samoyed was pregnant. The vet told her she was wrong.

One night, the Samoyed gave birth to one huge pup. The same night, the neighbors’ Doberman died giving birth. The two Doberman pups were given to the Samoyed along with her one pup.

My aunt took all three pups to the vet.

Vet: “Okay, you were right about your Samoyed being pregnant… but there’s no way you can expect me to believe that these two pups are hers!”

Pranking From The Womb
Funny, Health & Body, Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Pranks, Sons & Daughters | Healthy | June 2, 2022
The best April Fool prank I ever saw was actually pulled by me.

I put my mom through three false labors on the same day I was born. The first was in the early morning hours, which got my older brother thrown in bed with my grandparents. The second time was in the mid-afternoon, making my mom take off time from work, and she had to go back.

The third time came later at night. They had her walk around the hospital this time, and I was finally born.

One Day Per Stitch
Bosses & Owners, Employees, Health & Body, Military, North Carolina, USA | Healthy Working | May 31, 2022
This happened back in the early 1970s when I was a corporal in the Marines.

A couple of other jarheads and I were playing with our pocketknives in the shop one day. We worked in avionics/electrics on planes, and those knives came in handy while doing electrical work. Believe it or not, my forty-year-old son still keeps that knife with his “special” tools.

We’d taken turns sharpening the blades and I got a little careless. I put a clean slice in a thumb, but I didn’t think it was bad enough to seek professional medical help. Gunny had other ideas.

Gunny: “With that much blood, go to sickbay.”

This was Wednesday afternoon, a while before we were off work.

I headed over to sickbay and the corpsman there was a third-class medic, the same rank as me but he was in the Navy. He looked at it pretty closely.

Corpsman: “Hang on.”

He came back in a minute.

Corpsman: “Look, you don’t really need stitches, but it could stand ‘em. We’ve got a guy who’s never stitched up a real person and this would be the perfect first time for it. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

I didn’t even think about it.

Me: “Nah, I don’t mind. Everybody starts somewhere. He’ll never forget me. What did he put practice stitches in?”

Corpsman: “Uh… shaved dead goats.”

Me: *Laughing* “Okay, let’s move him up to humans.”

It took a few minutes to get all the stuff ready. As the new guy was anesthetizing my thumb, I suggested:

Me: “Do it like you did the dead goats, just like they taught you.”

He laughed a bit.

New Guy: “All the goats recovered completely and now live on a farm in Nebraska.”

As the new guy put four stitches in my thumb, a thought occurred to me.

Me: “Look, I don’t mind being a live guinea pig, but is there anything in this for me?”

Corpsman: “Let me go talk to my lieutenant.”

A Navy lieutenant is an O-3, the same as a Marine captain.

He came back in time for everything to be about wrapped up and asked:

Corpsman: “You got duty or anything this weekend?”

Me: “No, a regular weekend off for me.”

The new medic finished the bandage on my thumb quite nicely while we talked.

The corpsman handed me a piece of paper.

Corpsman: “Okay, here’s a ‘no-duty’ chit for four days: tomorrow, Friday, and then the weekend. It has you returning to ‘light duty’ on Monday, and then nothing strenuous until we take the stitches out in ten days. You just got yourself a four-day weekend!”

Oh, yeah.

We yukked it up a bit more and I left.

When I got back to the shop, Gunny was still there, I guess waiting for an update. I showed him my no-duty/light-duty chit, and he kind of lost it.

Gunny: “What?! Four days off for that little cut? Don’t leave yet.”

He proceeded to call up Medical.

This was a long time ago, and all we had was an old clunker of a military shop phone. It was that heavy black plastic, and if there wasn’t much noise around, you could easily hear it from several feet away. I heard everything clearly.

Gunny: “Yeah, this is [Gunny]. I have a corporal here who just got a few stitches and I need to know why he’s getting four days off.”

Person On The Phone: “Hang on, Gunny.”

After a minute:

Lieutenant: “This is Lieutenant Doctor [Lieutenant]. I was told you have a question?”

Gunny barked:

Gunny: “I don’t know why anybody would need four days off for a few stitches. Maybe you can tell me.”

Lieutenant: “First off, I’m a lieutenant in the US Navy, so if you can, throw in a ‘sir’ once in a while. Second, I have the utmost confidence in my team. If that’s what they determined the patient needed, that’s what the patient will get. I’d also like to add that I don’t allow my team to run around the base telling gunnery sergeants how to do their job, and I sure don’t appreciate you thinking you know more about medical procedures than they do — unless, of course, you have a medical degree similar to my own. If that’s the case, we can sit down and discuss this like rational adults. If you don’t, why don’t you stick to doing what you get paid to do and give us that same consideration?”

Gunny: *Defeated* “Yes, sir, I understand. Thank you.“

He gently hung up the phone and looked at me. I almost felt bad for him, but there was no way I was telling him the entire story now.

Gunny: “See you Monday, Corporal.”

An Expected Puppy… And A Couple More
Funny, Pets & Animals, Vet | Healthy | June 4, 2022
CONTENT WARNING: Animal Death

Years ago, my aunt was positive that her Samoyed was pregnant. The vet told her she was wrong.

One night, the Samoyed gave birth to one huge pup. The same night, the neighbors’ Doberman died giving birth. The two Doberman pups were given to the Samoyed along with her one pup.

My aunt took all three pups to the vet.

Vet: “Okay, you were right about your Samoyed being pregnant… but there’s no way you can expect me to believe that these two pups are hers!”

Pranking From The Womb
Funny, Health & Body, Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Pranks, Sons & Daughters | Healthy | June 2, 2022
The best April Fool prank I ever saw was actually pulled by me.

I put my mom through three false labors on the same day I was born. The first was in the early morning hours, which got my older brother thrown in bed with my grandparents. The second time was in the mid-afternoon, making my mom take off time from work, and she had to go back.

The third time came later at night. They had her walk around the hospital this time, and I was finally born.

One Day Per Stitch
Bosses & Owners, Employees, Health & Body, Military, North Carolina, USA | Healthy Working | May 31, 2022
This happened back in the early 1970s when I was a corporal in the Marines.

A couple of other jarheads and I were playing with our pocketknives in the shop one day. We worked in avionics/electrics on planes, and those knives came in handy while doing electrical work. Believe it or not, my forty-year-old son still keeps that knife with his “special” tools.

We’d taken turns sharpening the blades and I got a little careless. I put a clean slice in a thumb, but I didn’t think it was bad enough to seek professional medical help. Gunny had other ideas.

Gunny: “With that much blood, go to sickbay.”

This was Wednesday afternoon, a while before we were off work.

I headed over to sickbay and the corpsman there was a third-class medic, the same rank as me but he was in the Navy. He looked at it pretty closely.

Corpsman: “Hang on.”

He came back in a minute.

Corpsman: “Look, you don’t really need stitches, but it could stand ‘em. We’ve got a guy who’s never stitched up a real person and this would be the perfect first time for it. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

I didn’t even think about it.

Me: “Nah, I don’t mind. Everybody starts somewhere. He’ll never forget me. What did he put practice stitches in?”

Corpsman: “Uh… shaved dead goats.”

Me: *Laughing* “Okay, let’s move him up to humans.”

It took a few minutes to get all the stuff ready. As the new guy was anesthetizing my thumb, I suggested:

Me: “Do it like you did the dead goats, just like they taught you.”

He laughed a bit.

New Guy: “All the goats recovered completely and now live on a farm in Nebraska.”

As the new guy put four stitches in my thumb, a thought occurred to me.

Me: “Look, I don’t mind being a live guinea pig, but is there anything in this for me?”

Corpsman: “Let me go talk to my lieutenant.”

A Navy lieutenant is an O-3, the same as a Marine captain.

He came back in time for everything to be about wrapped up and asked:

Corpsman: “You got duty or anything this weekend?”

Me: “No, a regular weekend off for me.”

The new medic finished the bandage on my thumb quite nicely while we talked.

The corpsman handed me a piece of paper.

Corpsman: “Okay, here’s a ‘no-duty’ chit for four days: tomorrow, Friday, and then the weekend. It has you returning to ‘light duty’ on Monday, and then nothing strenuous until we take the stitches out in ten days. You just got yourself a four-day weekend!”

Oh, yeah.

We yukked it up a bit more and I left.

When I got back to the shop, Gunny was still there, I guess waiting for an update. I showed him my no-duty/light-duty chit, and he kind of lost it.

Gunny: “What?! Four days off for that little cut? Don’t leave yet.”

He proceeded to call up Medical.

This was a long time ago, and all we had was an old clunker of a military shop phone. It was that heavy black plastic, and if there wasn’t much noise around, you could easily hear it from several feet away. I heard everything clearly.

Gunny: “Yeah, this is [Gunny]. I have a corporal here who just got a few stitches and I need to know why he’s getting four days off.”

Person On The Phone: “Hang on, Gunny.”

After a minute:

Lieutenant: “This is Lieutenant Doctor [Lieutenant]. I was told you have a question?”

Gunny barked:

Gunny: “I don’t know why anybody would need four days off for a few stitches. Maybe you can tell me.”

Lieutenant: “First off, I’m a lieutenant in the US Navy, so if you can, throw in a ‘sir’ once in a while. Second, I have the utmost confidence in my team. If that’s what they determined the patient needed, that’s what the patient will get. I’d also like to add that I don’t allow my team to run around the base telling gunnery sergeants how to do their job, and I sure don’t appreciate you thinking you know more about medical procedures than they do — unless, of course, you have a medical degree similar to my own. If that’s the case, we can sit down and discuss this like rational adults. If you don’t, why don’t you stick to doing what you get paid to do and give us that same consideration?”

Gunny: *Defeated* “Yes, sir, I understand. Thank you.“

He gently hung up the phone and looked at me. I almost felt bad for him, but there was no way I was telling him the entire story now.

Gunny: “See you Monday, Corporal.”

Here’s Hoping She Gets The Kind Of Help She Really Needs
Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Patients | Healthy | May 31, 2022
I was a medical scribe for about a year. One of the last patients I ever had was a frequent flyer. She had quite a long track record of going from hospital to hospital trying to get pain meds. You know the type — the one who says they are allergic to ibuprofen and asks for a narcotic pain reliever.

The physician I was working with that day happened to be the lead ER physician at that hospital and a board leader in the state, so he knew this patient very well. He brought in a nurse and me.

Physician: “I know what you’re up to, [Patient]. You’re drug-seeking.”

She became belligerent and started screaming.

Patient: “Someone else must have stolen my identity!”

When the doctor offered to call the police, she called him a racist slur (he was Indian) and walked out, screaming obscenities.

Give Your Employees A Break Or They May Break
Bad Behavior, Bakery, Bosses & Owners, Health & Body | Healthy Working | May 30, 2022
I worked in the bakery department of a supermarket. I had four broken ribs on one side and three bruised ribs on the other. My doctor told me I wasn’t allowed to work as it required heavy lifting and lifting above my head, so I phoned my boss.

Boss: “If you can’t work every time you break your ribs, maybe you don’t belong here!”

So, I went to work the next day, against the doctor’s advice. The boss’s daughter called in sick, so my six-hour shift turned into a nine-and-a-half-hour one. She had a hangover and was seen in the store later that afternoon.

At the end of my shift, I was called into my boss’s office. I lost my job that day, and I didn’t get paid for the overtime, either.

My ribs took almost a year to heal after that. They actually never fully healed, and I am now left with brittle ribs that can break from a bad cough.

Some People Are Hard To Help
Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Parents/Guardians, Patients | Healthy Related | May 29, 2022
My mother has PTSD from a lot of hospitalizations and surgeries as a kid in the 1950s. About a week ago, she had a routine MRI done, and they found evidence of a small stroke, so they admitted her to the hospital.

On day two, my mother lost it when she was told that stroke patients weren’t allowed out of bed until cleared and she’d have to use the bedpan. She experienced rage, panic, and confusion all in one huge fit. She kept claiming the stroke had never happened and it was all some sort of money grab. At a couple of points, she threatened to bite the nurses. She even threatened to fling herself onto the floor, despite being a wheelchair user who can’t stand at all.

My favorite part was when she repeatedly compared the hospital to prison, claiming, “Jeffrey Dahmer was treated better! He just got executed!”

She was a lot better after a chemically-induced nap. The nurses all swore they had seen worse, which really made me feel for them.

Scheduling Games
Liars/Scammers, Medical Office, Reception, Time | Healthy Working | May 27, 2022
I went to a doctor for a consult, and then I scheduled the next two appointments for Tuesdays at 4:30 pm. I didn’t ask specifically for evening appointments; that’s what they offered me. I got no confirmation calls for any of the appointments.

The first Tuesday, everything went fine. I checked in, got my treatment, and went home.

The next Tuesday, I attempted to check in… only to be told my appointment was at 3:00 pm, not 4:30 pm.

Receptionist: “We never start treatments this late, so we never would’ve scheduled me at 4:30.”

Me: “Uhh… well, you did. I was treated at 4:30 last week!”

Receptionist: “No, your appointment last week was at 3:00 pm, as well.”

Me: “Pull up my check-in and medication order from last week.”

She did, and sure enough, it had been at 4:30 pm. She just shrugged and called her manager. Basically, they told me to go home and reschedule. I live two hours away from this doctor, so I decided I wasn’t playing this game. I told them to cancel all my remaining appointments.

I hope I didn’t need to finish that treatment. I’ll never decline a written copy of my appointment time again.

YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ASLEEP!
Bizarre, Children, Health & Body, Hospital, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Patients | Healthy | May 27, 2022
I was a bit of a nightmare patient as a kid. It would take four grown adults to hold me down to get a shot or blood draw.

Then, there was the time I needed my appendix removed and I wasn’t having it. They gave me an anesthetic to knock me out… and I actually FOUGHT IT OFF and refused to go to sleep until the effects finally wore off.

My dad said the doctor told him that in thirty-three years of practicing medicine, he’d never seen someone completely resist an anesthetic.

Thanks So Much For The No-Show
Dentist, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Non-Dialogue, Reception | Healthy Working | May 26, 2022
I saw my dentist last June for a checkup on a Saturday morning. They scheduled the next appointment for a Saturday morning in December. I got three different texts and emails the week before confirming my appointment.

I showed up about ten minutes before my appointment to find the door unlocked and the office completely empty. I tried the emergency on-call number. No one responded. I finally called the police because I didn’t want to leave the office empty and unlocked.

It turned out they had stopped doing Saturday office hours, and they didn’t bother to call me and reschedule. Monday morning they called me because, in their words, I didn’t show up for my appointment. I told them no, I was there; they weren’t.

They couldn’t get me in for an appointment in December before my deductible reset. In fact, they couldn’t find another time that worked for me until August.

I’ll be seeing a new dentist next month.

If It Makes You Feel Any Better, He’s Probably Heard That Before
Funny, Funny Names, Hospital, Nurses, Rude & Risque, Wordplay | Healthy Working | May 25, 2022
I was a nurse in a hospital. I had a patient and his name was Mr. [Patient] Comdon. I was explaining his discharge instructions, and before I walked out I said:

Me: “It was a pleasure, Mr. Condom.”

Then, I realized what I said. Neither one of us said a word, and I just walked away as fast as I could.

You Can’t Say You Weren’t Warned
England, Hospital, Jerk, London, Time, UK | Healthy | May 23, 2022
I’m in hospital for a minor operation. The letter for the appointment asks you to arrive at a specific time and makes it clear that they ask a batch of people to arrive at the same time, and then they see them one by one.

As I go in to be seen, I pass a guy getting stroppy with one of the nurses.

Guy: “I’ve been waiting an hour! When am I going to be seen?”

Nurse: “There are currently three people ahead of you in the queue, but it depends on how long their procedures take.”

Guy: “Can’t I go outside for a smoke?”

Nurse: “You can, but if you aren’t here when we call your name, you will have to go to the bottom of the list.”

A couple of hours later, I’m all done and on my way out, and I pass the same guy again.

Guy: “What do you mean, I’m at the bottom of the list?!”

And I Thought I Was A Baby About Splinters
Impossible Demands, Jerk, Medical Office | Healthy | May 21, 2022
A patient calls into the doctor’s office where I work.

Patient: “I have an appointment in a couple of hours, but I was wondering… can you write me a doctor’s note for [three days ago]?”

Me: “I see that your appointment is for a small splinter in your hand. Is it infected?”

Patient: “No. But I called off work three days ago for it, and I’m about to lose my job if I don’t get a doctor’s note! So you have to give me one!”

Me: “You called off work three days before your appointment?”

Patient: “My hand was in major pain and I thought it was fractured!”

I was unable to write her the doctor’s note she was requesting, and she screamed at me over it.

It was just a small splinter, not even infected at all. And it’s not like she’d called to make the appointment three days before and couldn’t be seen until today. Apparently, it was MY issue that she called off three days early and was about to lose her job over it.

This Customer Should Just Pass Out Of This Store And Into Another
Fast Food, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Jerk | Healthy Right | May 19, 2022
I passed out at work once, right on the front counter. My coworker was trying to revive me and a customer approached.

Customer: “Well, are you going to take my order?”

Coworker: “Sorry, no. My coworker passed out and I’m trying to help!”

Customer: “But you have to take my order!”

My coworker refused. Later, the customer had the nerve to call and complain that he wouldn’t take his order.

A Bad Time To Operate On Speculation
Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, Medical Office, Physical, USA | Healthy | May 19, 2022
Like some women, I have issues with pelvic exams and require the smallest speculum available. My previous OBGYN was sympathetic to the issue and had noted this on my chart. Unfortunately, she left the practice and I’m randomly assigned a new doctor. She’s started the exam.

Doctor: “All right, speculum’s going in.”

I can immediately tell that it’s not the small one. I scoot back up the table.

Me: “That’s not the small speculum.”

Doctor: “It’s the smallest one I have.”

Me: “Please go get the smallest one in the office.”

Doctor: “This is what I have, and this is what you’re getting. Come back down here. I’m putting it back in and I’m going to open it. I’ll be fast.”

I scoot back down. She resumes the exam and quickly opens the speculum all the way, causing a VERY sharp pain in a sensitive area. I scream and get off the table.

Doctor: “Get back on the table!”

Me: “Not a chance!”

Doctor: “You’re a grown woman!”

Me: “Get the smallest speculum now!”

We stare at each other for a couple of minutes. Finally, she huffs and pulls something out of a drawer.

Doctor: *In a snotty tone* “This is a pediatric speculum, dear. Smallest one in the office.”

Me: “You did have it! Why the h*** didn’t you use it when I asked?!”

Doctor: “It takes longer.”

Me: “I’m not getting back on that table unless you use it.”

Doctor: “Fine.”

I get back on the exam table and she finishes with no other issues. After she’s done…

Me: “[Previous Doctor] said she put a note on my chart regarding speculum size. Is it not there anymore?”

Doctor: “No, it’s still there.”

Me: “Did you not see it?”

Doctor: “I thought a grown woman could handle a normal exam and speculum like everyone else.”

Me: “So, you disregarded a legit medical note due to your own opinion?”

She has the sense to look ashamed.

Doctor: “Uh… Well, now I know. See you next year!”

Me: “No, you won’t!”

I switched offices the next year. I told my new OBGYN the story, and she was absolutely horrified. She promised me that would not happen at her office, and so far, it hasn’t.