HEALTH CARE STORIES

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 20

Music | Working | April 21, 2017


(I work at a market research firm. Part of my job involves calling the manufacturers of high-tech devices to interview them. Some of the companies I call are very large, and others are quite small family firms. Some of the smaller companies have local radio stations on instead of hold music. Usually these are country music stations with ads about farm equipment. One time though:)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling from [Company]. Could I be connected with [Project Manager], please?”

Receptionist: “Sure thing. Please hold.”

Me: “Okay.”

Hold Music: *really loud gangsta rap* “MY MONEY AND MY HOES!”

(I started laughing so hard I had to hang up and call back again.)

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 19

Bosses & Owners, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Office, Spouses & Partners, UK | Working | November 27, 2017


Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi. Could I please speak to [Manager], please?”

Receptionist: *click*

(I phone again, thinking I was just disconnected by accident.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi, I think—”

Receptionist: *click*

(Knowing she actually cut me off this time, I phone back again.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Why do you keep cutting me off?!”

Receptionist: “Because this is a cold call, and I’m told to hang up on them.”

Me: “Actually, I’m [Manager]’s husband, and I’d like to speak to him.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, right!” *laughing* “I’ve met his wife.” *click*

(Having had enough, I decide to just drive down.)

Receptionist: *smiling brightly* “Hello, welcome to [Business]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to speak to [Manager].”

Receptionist: “What reason do you have to speak to him? Do you have an appointment?”

Me: “I’m his husband, and no.”

(She realises who I am and sneers.)

Receptionist: *sarcastically* “Really? You’re that desperate?”

(Coincidently, my husband happens to walk by.)

Husband: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Receptionist: “You know this degenerate?” *smugly* “I was just about to have him removed.”

Husband: “What? Why? He’s my husband!”

(The receptionist blushes and we stand in awkward silence for a few seconds.)

Me: *to the receptionist* “You want to explain?”

(The receptionist stammered through her explanation, with me inserting her claim that he had a wife after she neglected to mention it. My husband actually found it hilarious. She isn’t allowed near the phones anymore, though.)

[florida80]

Very Bad Reception, Part 18

Medical Office | Working | December 14, 2016


(I’m not the best at keeping track of things on the calendar. I realize that I have not booked an appointment to get my daughter’s follow up vaccines, so I call one morning.)

Me: “Hi, my daughter needs to get her booster shots. I’m afraid I’ve put this off by two months.”

Receptionist: “No problem. You can bring her in this morning.”

Me: “Oh! Perfect! Thanks! We’ll be in soon.”

(She takes my daughter’s name and info. I hung up and began to gather what we’d need for our time out of the house. Just as I reach the front door with diaper bag, book, and baby, the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist: “Hi. This is [Receptionist] from [Doctor’s Office].”

Me: “Yes?”

Receptionist: “I’m afraid your daughter won’t be able to get her booster shots on a walk-in basis today as she is two months past schedule.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I know we’re late. What should I do then?”

Receptionist: “You’ll have to call for an appointment.”

Me: “Can I make the appointment now?”

Receptionist: “No. You’ll have to call to make an appointment.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I hang up, look up the number (this was before caller ID), and call the doctor’s office.)

Receptionist: *same voice as before* “Hello, [Doctor’s Office]. [Receptionist] speaking. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m calling to make an appointment for my daughter to get her booster shots.”

Receptionist: “Oh, you don’t need to call for that. She can get them as a walk in.”

Me: “No, I’ve put it off too long. I was told we’ll need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “I was told by you that we’d need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “You called me not three minutes ago saying we’d need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “Okay, instead, I’ll be picking up my daughter’s medical records. We’ll be changing doctors. How soon can I get those?”

Receptionist: “Changing doctors? Why?”

Me: “Just please get the records together. I’ll pick them up in an hour.”

(We did change doctors. Sad, because I liked that one. But dealing with the receptionist was more than I could take.)

[florida80]

All Doctors To Procreation Stations!

Doctor/Physician, England, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | August 2, 2018


(I’ve been having stabbing pains in my abdomen and eventually go, by myself, to the doctor surgery. I am also a “Miss,” as in, not married.)

Doctor: “I see you have PCOS. This pain could just be that.”

Me: “I know there’s pain related to that, but it’s not in the right places and does not feel the same.”

Doctor: “Okay.”

(He’s reading my notes, which surprises me, as other doctors at this surgery don’t.)

Doctor: “You know, it’s not as bad as you may think. There’s a lot we can do now to make sure you can have children now.” *goes on a really long spiel about getting pregnant and having kids, etc.* “Do you want me to arrange an appointment to discuss it with [Doctor]? Or would you like to discuss it with your partner first?”

Me: *thoroughly bewildered* “Um… No, thanks.”

Doctor: “You should talk to your partner about it. He might want kids whilst you’re both young.”

(He went on about PCOS more and having kids, before going back to the reason I was there in the first place. I get making sure I knew that there were options for kids in the future, but I don’t have a partner, and don’t want kids –which he didn’t check before going on about it — and that wasn’t the reason why I was there.)

[florida80]

You’ll Stress-Knit A Whole Outfit At This Point

Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Massachusetts, Medical Office, Psychiatrist, USA | Healthy | August 1, 2018


(I’m waiting to see my psychiatrist for a medication check-up. This office schedules meds appointments in fifteen-minute blocks; they’re a quick in-and-out to make sure the meds are working before the prescription is refilled. I arrive five minutes before my appointment and am told I’m seeing a new doctor. I’m a little annoyed that they didn’t tell me this when the appointment was being set up — my father works in the mental health field and I’m uncomfortable being seen by his coworkers — but whatever; maybe my regular doctor is out sick. So, I go to the waiting room. And wait. And wait. At twenty minutes past my appointment time — so, five minutes after it is supposed to be over — I hear the receptionists chatting. They say something about the new doctor having computer problems. Okay, stuff happens. Forty minutes past my appointment time, the person who is waiting before me gets into a shouting match with the receptionists about how late things are running. I’m frustrated too, but an extra person yelling won’t change anything, and I have plenty of time, so I keep waiting. Finally, fifty minutes after my scheduled time, a harried-looking man calls my name and introduces himself as the doctor. I’m expecting him to apologize for the delay, or offer an explanation, or anything. Nope. He doesn’t say a word until we get to his office. Now my appointment starts in earnest.)

Doctor: “So, do think you’re depressed?”

Me: *pause* “This appointment is literally to treat my diagnosed depression, so, um, yeah.”

(He doesn’t respond at all to this. He doesn’t even look at me. He has a walking desk, so he’s power-walking in place while he types on his computer. And he keeps typing. For almost ten minutes. I almost stand up and walk out. But I’ve already been here forever, I don’t want to have to do this all again, and I need my meds refilled. So, I take out my knitting and work on that for a bit.)

Doctor: “Do you want to keep taking [Medication #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] and [Medication #2]?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

(He types for a few more minutes.)

Doctor: “I’ve sent in the prescriptions for those. I’ll see you again in five months.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(I get up to leave.)

Doctor: “Wow! You’re so fast at knitting! What are you making?”

Me: “A sweater. Bye.”

(I was at that office for over an hour, but in the appointment for less than fifteen minutes. He said almost nothing to me, and half of what he did say was about knitting. And when I went to the pharmacy, only one of the prescriptions had actually been sent over!)

[florida80]

No Spoonful Of Sugar Is Helping This Medicine Go Down

Bad Behavior, Florida, Jerk, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | July 31, 2018


(When you come to pick up a prescription, I have to make sure it’s going to the right person or I get written up and, if I get written up enough times, lose my job. This particular pharmacy asks that we verify the address on file, but if they don’t know it, I’ll usually take some other manner of verification if necessary. It’s late, and there’s an hour and a half left to go of a seven-hour day, and all I want to do is go home, so I admit I’m a bit tired. A guy comes up who couldn’t be more than 22, I’d guess, and I smile and go to the register, asking him who he’s picking up for.)

Guy: “My girlfriend.”

Me: “Okay. What’s her name?”

Guy: “[First Name].”

(I need a last name in particular to search, and unfortunately most of the younger crowd usually never give their last name unless prompted. I have no idea why.)

Me: “What’s her last name?”

Guy: “[Last Name].”

(I go over to get it, which doesn’t take long, and return.)

Me: “And what’s her address, please?”

(He gives me this look like I’ve told him that the sky is green or that he’s standing on his head.)

Guy: “I’ve picked up before and they’ve never, ever asked me for her address before.”

(Then he clearly hasn’t picked up for her before at this pharmacy, because we always ask for the address. I say it so often that even when I’m doing things that don’t require it, I sometimes end up saying the words. Sometimes I end up asking them their address before I ask their name, before I can stop myself.)

Me: “Um… We always ask for the address.”

Guy: “No one has ever asked me before!”

Me: “Well, sometimes if you don’t know it, we’ll try another way to verify. Do you know it?”

Guy: “No!”

Me: “Okay, what’s her date of birth?”

(That, he knows. He tells that to me and I’m assured that I have the right person. A new law was passed in July that on certain types and classes of medicines, I now have to ask for a form of ID and enter it into the computer. What he’s picking up falls into that class.)

Me: “I need to see your ID, please.”

Guy: “Why?”

Me: “It’s the law as of the first of July. I have to have an ID.”

Guy: “Does that mean I have to get hers from the car?”

Me: “No, I need yours, since you’re picking it up.”

Guy: “But… does that mean I have to get hers?”

Me: “Um… No. I need yours.”

Guy: “I don’t have mine.”

Me: “Then she has to come in and pick it up.”

Guy: “Why can’t I just go get hers and give it to you?”

(Now I can understand his hesitancy. There’s a big storm that has been going on all day, but neither weather nor annoying teenagers are going to make me break the law.)

Me: “Because it’s her license. Whatever license I have has to be for the person picking up. It’s the law.”

(We go back and forth about this for another minute, to the point that my pharmacist has to come over and back me up, telling him that we have to follow all rules and regulations, and if it’s her license, it has be her. He finally goes out to get her and comes back in. I think this is a wonderful opportunity to do my job right now that she’s here.)

Me: “What’s your address?”

Girl: *throws her ID on the counter* “On file.”

Me: *blink*

(I’ve never had a customer refuse to give their address. Sometimes they’ll pretend to give me a hard time or forget some of the numbers, but I’ve never had someone give me a smart a** remark about it being “on file,” because most have the intelligence to realize that there’s a reason I’m asking for it and it’s most certainly not to hear myself talk. I want to keep my job.)

Me: “I’m sorry; we ask that for verification. If you don’t know yo—”

Girl: *interrupts snottily* “I know my address. It’s [address].”

(She picked up her license from the counter and proceeded to throw it again. I decided I’d had enough of dealing with the twat that was clearly just too lazy to come in and sent her boyfriend in for her, since I could see no legitimate reason for her not to come in besides the rain. And part of me wanted a little bit of revenge for these people half my age giving me a hard time, so I took my time, every bit of it that I could, prolonging the transaction just because they were antsy. As they left, she shot me a glare, snatched up her prescription, and then went to the industrial scale nearby that people use to measure weight and proceeded to jump up and down on it once or twice before leaving.)

[florida80]

Suffering Bad Pet Owners

Bad Behavior, Maryland, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | July 30, 2018


(I work the front desk in a highly recommended vet hospital that has both appointments with doctors and a walk-in emergency service. Emergency visits are always a trip. A young man walks in, carrying his dachshund mix. He tells me that his dog is having respiratory distress, so I take her back to see the doctor first before getting his information. It turns out that the dog has been having breathing troubles for two days. The doctor is not impressed with that info and, with client approval, takes some x-rays to see what might be going on internally. It’s cancer, a lot of cancer in all of the places. The dog is not comfortable outside of oxygen, so the vet goes to talk to the owner to explain that euthanasia is the only humane option. By this point, the owner’s father has come to join him and has brought his own dog. He is handling the dog very roughly and occasionally whacks the dog lightly with the end of the leash when he thinks the dog is misbehaving.)

Father: “Vets just want to take your money! Don’t worry, [Dog], they’re not going to see you. This is where dogs come to die.”

(He is making other clients uncomfortable, so I warn the ER doctor as she goes in to speak with them. The client is understandably shocked and upset, but the father is whole other matter.)

Father: “We’re not ready to put her down yet. Can you give us meds to keep her comfortable for another week?”

Vet: “Sir, she isn’t comfortable at all outside of oxygen. It would be against medical advice to take her out of oxygen and take her home.”

Father: “I’ll take her out of oxygen if I want to! It’s not like she’s suffering!”

(The vet was literally so angry she had to leave the room because yes, this dog was suffering! The father continued to be resistant, but the client agreed that it was in her best interest to euthanize her immediately, and handled the rest of the visit like a rational adult.)

[florida80]

Suffering Bad Pet Owners

Bad Behavior, Maryland, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | July 30, 2018


(I work the front desk in a highly recommended vet hospital that has both appointments with doctors and a walk-in emergency service. Emergency visits are always a trip. A young man walks in, carrying his dachshund mix. He tells me that his dog is having respiratory distress, so I take her back to see the doctor first before getting his information. It turns out that the dog has been having breathing troubles for two days. The doctor is not impressed with that info and, with client approval, takes some x-rays to see what might be going on internally. It’s cancer, a lot of cancer in all of the places. The dog is not comfortable outside of oxygen, so the vet goes to talk to the owner to explain that euthanasia is the only humane option. By this point, the owner’s father has come to join him and has brought his own dog. He is handling the dog very roughly and occasionally whacks the dog lightly with the end of the leash when he thinks the dog is misbehaving.)

Father: “Vets just want to take your money! Don’t worry, [Dog], they’re not going to see you. This is where dogs come to die.”

(He is making other clients uncomfortable, so I warn the ER doctor as she goes in to speak with them. The client is understandably shocked and upset, but the father is whole other matter.)

Father: “We’re not ready to put her down yet. Can you give us meds to keep her comfortable for another week?”

Vet: “Sir, she isn’t comfortable at all outside of oxygen. It would be against medical advice to take her out of oxygen and take her home.”

Father: “I’ll take her out of oxygen if I want to! It’s not like she’s suffering!”

(The vet was literally so angry she had to leave the room because yes, this dog was suffering! The father continued to be resistant, but the client agreed that it was in her best interest to euthanize her immediately, and handled the rest of the visit like a rational adult.)

[florida80]

After Hours Is After You

Crazy Requests, Medical Office, Patients, Texas, USA | Healthy | July 29, 2018


(I work for a company that takes hospital calls and after-hours calls for doctor’s offices. The majority of our doctors DO NOT take certain type calls after office hours, and only specific doctors can be called. Some patients refuse to acknowledge that and only make themselves look the bigger fool. It is late on a Friday.)

Me: “Hello! You’ve reached [Service]; how can I help you this evening?”

Caller: “I need [Doctor] paged.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, [Doctor] is not on call; however, the on-call doctor will be taking the page.”

Caller: “No. I don’t want the on-call doctor; I want [Doctor].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am unable to do that. It’s against policy to page doctors not on call.”

Caller: “I don’t care; I want [Doctor] paged now.”

Me: “All righty, ma’am, I’ll need this information.”

(I list off information needed and the caller interrupts.)

Caller: “Why do you need that information? You’re the doctor’s office; you should be able to look at the computer.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not the doctor’s office. I’m [Service]; I handle after-hours calls at a separate location.”

Caller: *huffily gives half the info needed*

Me: “I also need the reason you need to page the after-hours doctor.”

Caller: “I need my birth-control refilled. I ran out today and I need more.”

Me: *trying not to let the aggravation seep into my tone* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m unable to page the doctor for this reason. Prescription refills are to be handled by the office on Monday when they open.”

Caller: “But this is an emergency!”

Me: “I apologize, but I am unable to send that page.”

Caller: “You’re the doctor’s office! You have to send it to the doctor! What am I supposed to do until then? Not have sex?”

Me: *just over her attitude* “Ma’am, the doctor’s policy is that prescription refills are to be handled by the office on Monday.”

Caller: *rains down a multitude of expletives before threatening to get me fired and hangs up*

(She STILL calls almost every other month with the same issue. Friendly reminder: if you see you have two days for ANY prescription, please, please, please call it in before then and don’t wait until after hours to get a refill!)

[florida80]

Cholesterol-lol

Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Texas, USA | Healthy | July 28, 2018


(I am a female and a teenager. I’m temporarily on a medication that has a lot of side effects, one of the main ones being high cholesterol. I have no prior history of high cholesterol, though. I’m at the doctor’s office with my mom specifically to check that the side effects of the medication are not getting out of hand.)

Nurse: “Okay, so, looking at your results, your cholesterol is higher than it should be.” *addressing my mom* “Mom, no more serving hamburgers, and no more fast food! All that salt, red meat, and fat is really bad for teenagers, even if that’s all they want to eat.”

Mom: “Actually, we never eat fast food, and we’ve been eating pescatarian for the past few months.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve gone to a fast food restaurant in years.”

(The nurse looks a little flustered at this point.)

Nurse: “Well, I know how teenagers are in the summer, so try to do some walking, at least! No more laying around on the couch all day!”

Me: “I’ve actually been swimming a mile every day, and I am working as a lifeguard.”

(The nurse is starting to look annoyed, like she doesn’t believe us.)

Nurse: “Right… Well, you need to fix this, or we’re going to have to put you on medication, and you’re too young to be on cholesterol medication.”

(My mother is getting annoyed and defensive now.)

Mom: “She’s on [Medication]; that’s the whole reason we’re here! Isn’t high cholesterol one of the side effects of the medicine?”

Nurse: *glaring at my mom* “Well… Sometimes.”

Mom: “Don’t you think that might be the reason she has high cholesterol, then?”

(The nurse just walked out at that point, and we didn’t see her the rest of the visit. We mentioned it to the doctor later, but she just said, “Well, your cholesterol is kind of high.” Luckily, once I got off the medication a few months later, my cholesterol dropped back down. But seriously, at least ask questions before making patronizing assumptions about someone’s diet and exercise.)

[florida80]

A Crazy Lack Of Competence

Bad Behavior, Boston, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Massachusetts, Nurses, USA | Healthy | July 27, 2018


(I’m Bipolar I and not medicated. We’ve tried a few different combinations of drugs for me, but unfortunately I either have side effects or it simply doesn’t help anything. While therapy has been helpful, it’s not perfect; I still need the occasional trip to a psychiatric hospital. For this particular incident, I am sent to a completely different hospital, which I later learn is more adequately equipped to handle patients seeking drug rehab. However, even that seems to be inaccurate, as I learn during my three-and-a-half day visit. On day one, a patient and the head of the wing are talking in a common area:)

Patient #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “When do you think I can go home?”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Sunday. Your insurance lets us hold you another week.”

(For a little context, during a previous group session I had with [Patient #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ], he mentioned he’s been here almost two weeks and the head of the group commented on how much progress he’s made. As my stay continues, it isn’t uncommon to overhear the nurses gossiping about how they can’t believe the doctors still won’t discharge [Patient #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]. Day two: one of the other patients is a new mother with apparently no thought filter. As a result, she frequently talks about how she has to pump if the subject even remotely drifts towards family or children. One of the other patients finally gets fed up with it and a fight nearly breaks out. Unlike the mother, the other patient is allowed to leave the wing to go have lunch in the cafeteria.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Okay, [Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ], you just lost your cafeteria privilege for today.”

Me: “But doesn’t [Patient #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] have to stay up here, too?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Of course.”

Me: “So, you’re going to lock them in the wing together when most of the staff is down in the cafeteria?”

Patient #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Besides, isn’t [Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ] getting discharged tomorrow?”

(After enough of us band together, the doctors finally agree the best thing they can do for both patients is to separate them. Also of note, a fourth patient is discharged at the end of day two, with a certain nurse helping her gather her things. On day three, though I’ve only had three or four sessions with her, I bid [Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ] farewell as she is gathering her things from the storage locker with the same nurse who assisted yesterday’s discharge. Just as I go to leave:)

Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “Where’s my backpack?”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your what?”

Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “My backpack. I came in with a pink backpack from [Brand]. Where is it?”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “We only had one like that. It was [Patient #4]’s, wasn’t it?”

Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “Wha?!”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “She said that bag was hers. We gave it to her when she left last night.”

Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “YOU GAVE HER MY BACKPACK?!”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Sorry. We’ll call the police and report the theft.”

Patient 3: “WHAT THE F***’S THAT GOING TO DO? SHE’S BEEN GONE A DAY ALREADY! WHY DIDN’T ANY OF YOU NOTICE THE BAG WASN’T LABELLED FOR HER?” *begins crying*

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Calm down! It’s just a backpack!”

Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “THAT BACKPACK HAD MY WALLET IN IT! WITH MY LICENSE AND SOCIAL SECURITY CARD! YOU LET HER STEAL MY IDENTITY!”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “We can replace those things!”

Patient #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “IT HAD THE ONLY PICTURE I HAVE OF ME WITH MY FATHER! YOU CAN’T REPLACE THAT! HE DIED AFTER I WAS BORN!”

Me: “Get the f****** police already, you dips***!”

(I didn’t know what else to do. The police do show up, though I have no idea how this story ends or if anything was done about [Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]. On day four — my release day — I’m sitting in the common area playing cards, waiting for my girlfriend to show up and drive me home. Needing a fourth for Hearts, one of the nurses agrees to join us.)

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “[My Name], you sure know how to pick ’em. Of all the weeks you could’ve shown up!”

Me: “I’m amazed, too.”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Yeah, but this ain’t even the worst of it. One patient last year always ran his mouth. ‘I’m in for bestiality!’ ‘I’m a member of the local KKK and they think this’ll cure me!’ and on and on. All cause he didn’t want to admit he tried to kill himself after his girlfriend broke up with him.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Yeah, he just kept making excuses to justify the cuts on his arms.”

Me: “You can’t tell us that! His medical records are still privileged!”

(I’ve never been back. I haven’t looked it up yet, because I’m truly frightened that it might still be open.)

[florida80]

Might Actually Be Worth Getting Whooping Cough, Instead

Dublin, Ireland, Jerk, Medical Office, Reception | Healthy | July 27, 2018


(I’m midway through my pregnancy and have been putting off getting the whooping cough vaccine, so I call my doctor to schedule an appointment.)

Me: “Hi. I was wondering if I could book an appointment for the whooping cough vaccination?”

Receptionist: “What’s your name and date of birth?”

Me: “That’s [My Name] and [date].”

Receptionist: “It says here you’re 22 weeks.”

Me: “Yep.”

Receptionist: “Then, no, you can’t have an appointment.”

Me: “Um, right. Is there any reason why not?”

Receptionist: “The vaccine is only available from 26 weeks.”

Me: “Oh, right. I thought [Doctor] said I could get it from 16 weeks. I must have misheard. It’s okay, though, I can wait another four weeks.”

Receptionist: “Let me check with the doctor. Hold the line.”

(Pause.)

Receptionist: *sarcastically* “Well, I guess the doctor just knows more than me, huh? Clearly I’m just a receptionist, so I wouldn’t know anything. Apparently you can get it from 16 weeks.”

Me: “So, can I book an appointment?”

Receptionist: “At 11 on Monday.”

Me: “That’s perfect. Thank you.”

Receptionist: “The vaccine isn’t free, you know.”

(Most health care is free while pregnant in Ireland, but things like vaccines aren’t.)

Me: “Yep, that’s fine. I have no issue paying.”

Receptionist: “Good, because you have to pay. You’re not getting it free.”

Me: “I know.”

Receptionist: “Because it’s not free. You have to pay.”

Me: *Pause* “Is there anything else you need from me?”

Receptionist: “No, but when you come in for the appointment you have to pay.”

Me: “Okay, bye now.”

[florida80]

Ugh… Mondays

Germany, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Language & Words, Patients | Healthy | July 27, 2018


(I work as a speech therapist. While I mostly work with children, I have a handful of adult patients with brain damage. As most of them aren’t able to walk, I visit them at home. All of the patients have fixed appointments once or twice a week. After some recent changes, I end up with an awkward schedule — driving from one end of the town to the other, back and forth — that makes me lose about two hours a week due to driving. I plan to coordinate this better and ask all of my patients if they are okay with different times and/or dates. It works well with everyone at first. I talk to one of my patients, a senior citizen, whom I visit every Monday and Wednesday.)

Me: “I plan to change my weekly schedule. Would it be okay if we moved Monday’s sitting from 11:00 to 13:50?”

Patient: “Well, the physical therapist is there until 13:45, so it should be fine.”

(On the next Monday, I arrive at 13:55. The physical therapist is still with her.)

Me: “Oh, am I early? I am sorry. I thought you two would be done by now”

Physical Therapist: “Oh, no, we still have 15 minutes left. We always have until 14:10.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t know that. [Patient], we need to reschedule our Monday’s appointment.”

Patient: “Huh? Why? I thought it would be only once. I figured we could cut the therapy a bit shorter today and go back to normal next week.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, as I already gave that time to another patient. I am so sorry that I didn’t make it clear that the change would be permanent. My schedule is packed, but what about Tuesday, 11 o’clock instead of Monday?”

Patient: “I am at the daycare on Tuesdays and Fridays”

Me: “That isn’t a problem for me. We have lots of patients in day care. I could visit you there, if that’s okay with you?”

Patient: “Yes, let’s do this.”

Me: “Okay, so now, instead of Monday, I will visit on Tuesdays every week.”

(With everything being clear, we start practicing. On Wednesday I visit her as always, reminding her of our new permanent appointment once again. The next Tuesday, I drive to the day care facility to find her completely surprised, but not by the fact that I showed up there today.)

Patient: “Where were you yesterday?”

Me: “We’ve moved the appointment from Monday to Tuesday. That’s why I’m here today.”

Patient: “Yes, we talked about you coming here on Tuesday, but I didn’t know that meant Monday would be cancelled.”

Me: “We have to have therapy twice a week, so instead of Monday and Wednesday, we now do Tuesday and Wednesday.”

Patient: “Ah, I see.”

(We go on normally. Everything works fine for two weeks, until I get stuck in traffic one Tuesday morning and don’t make it to her. I call her to let her know. The next day, I visit as usual.)

Patient: “Where were you on Monday? I thought you’d be here on Monday.”

(I start explaining again why I can’t come in on Mondays and how we moved it to Tuesday.)

Patient: “But I thought that would be only once. I didn’t know you wanted to come to the day care every week. Every time you come, I miss out on the games and quizzes we do there.”

Me: “I am sorry, but that’s why I asked you if it’s okay before I actually changed the plan. I don’t have many options left right now.”

(I feel bad for her, as I obviously didn’t explain it to her properly, so I explain it again and make extra sure she understood what happened. Finally, I offer to sacrifice one of my lunch breaks to make room for her.)

Me: “The only open appointment would be Thursday at 11:30.”

Patient: “No, that’s not possible, either. Can’t we do Monday, 11:00?”

Me: “As I already explained, I am on a huge tour and can’t be back before 13:30, which won’t work because of the physical therapy. Is there something else you do on Thursdays?”

Patient: “No, it’s just so inconvenient. Why can’t we do Monday?”

Me: “Because I asked you if we could change the time and date. If you had said no, I wouldn’t have changed anything. But I did, and your old appointment is no longer available. What would be a more convenient time for you?”

(Surprisingly, Monday at 11 was still the only time she was willing to agree, so I had to re-reschedule about ten patients, and now I’m back to my old awkward plan.)

[florida80]

A Taste For Bad Taste

Doctor/Physician, home, Malaysia, Silly | Healthy | July 26, 2018


(My family is friends with another family whose dad is an obstetrician/gynaecologist and also a huge joker. In our part of the world, there are sometimes weird pseudo-scientific food fads, including products containing colostrum which is the special milk that comes out just after a mother mammal gives birth — even though cow colostrum isn’t really going to help you unless you’re a calf. At a party, someone shows up with some of these “health” products:)

Friend: “Look, I brought these colostrum biscuits.”

Obstetrician: *takes one and munches on it* “Hmm, doesn’t taste like colostrum.”

[florida80]

That Explains The White Gloves

Detroit, Hospital, Michigan, Patients, Silly, USA | Healthy | July 26, 2018


(I am the strange one in this story. I have just woken up after a colonoscopy and my mind is still a bit fuzzy, but I still don’t know what drove me to do this.)

Doctor: “How do you feel?”

Me: “Are you Mickey Mouse?”

Doctor: “No, I’m not.”

Me: “You’re lying. Hi, Mickey!”

(I feel more awake and realize what I just said.)

Me: “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

Doctor: “That’s okay. That’s not the weirdest thing I’ve heard today.”

[florida80]

The Rest Were Trying In Vein

Australia, Hospital, New South Wales, Patients, Sydney |
Healthy | July 25, 2018

(My baby was born with a congenital heart disease and required many cannulas and blood draws in the first four weeks of her life. Nurses would try, and then call upon doctors — neonatologists and consultants — and everyone struggled. They would all talk about how small her veins were and how hard it was when she squirmed and cried as they stuck her over and over. The worst part was, when she had a cannula finally inserted, she’d often rip it out within the next couple of hours. After three open-heart surgeries, her last lots of blood are being taken to give us the all-clear to go home.)

Me: “Just be aware, everyone else who has taken blood has had a lot of trouble.”

Young Phlebotomist: *draws blood efficiently and quickly, first time* “All done.”

Me: “Oh, wow! Everyone else has had such trouble; they keep saying she’s got such small veins.”

Young Phlebotomist: “Of course she has small veins. She’s a baby!”

[florida80]

As If Having Cancer Isn’t Already Bad Enough

Canada, Copy Shop, Jerk, Ontario | Healthy | July 25, 2018


(We have universal health care in Canada, and the card in Ontario is called an OHIP card, although OHIP does not cover everything. I am booking in a copy order when the customer notices my silicone bracelet which has, “[Friend] beats cancer,” on it.)

Customer: “That’s not a cure for cancer.”

Me: “Um, no, that’s my friend’s nickname. She’s just selling these bracelets to help support her cancer, since she has to take time off work and stuff. It’s her second time with it.”

Customer: “She must not have applied for sick leave, then!”

Me: “Um, of course she did. You don’t get your full pay on sick leave.”

Customer: “Nope, only 50%.”

Me: “Right. Hence the bracelets.”

(I try to go back to booking in her order.)

Customer: “There are lots of things she can apply for, you know. Tell her to look stuff up and do her research! She’s not trying hard enough!”

Me: “Well, I’m not one to tell her what to do about her cancer, but I will support her this way, since that’s what she’s doing. Plus, she might have to get pills this time and pay for those.”

Customer: “No, that should be free.”

Me: “Um, no, she was under the impression these drugs weren’t covered by OHIP. I think it’s just because it’s not as serious as it was the first time she had it, so she is just supposed to be getting them from the pharmacy.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I never said it would be covered by OHIP. Drugs are rarely covered by OHIP unless it’s going to save your life—” *which I beg to differ* “—but her work benefits should cover them!”

Me: “Not all of it.”

Customer: “Well, it should cover most of it!”

Me: *irritated by this point* “It depends on the jobs people have and what kind of coverage it provides.”

Customer: “Well, I know all about it! Tell her to do some research!”

(Ugh, I wanted to smack her! I didn’t, of course!)

[florida80]

Hope You Get Good Reception

Employees, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Reception, UK | Healthy | July 24, 2018


(My GP surgery usually has a two- to three-week wait for non-urgent appointments, but also has a limited number of on-the-day appointments available on a first-come-first-served basis. As these go very quickly, most people phone as soon as the surgery opens, so the phone lines are usually busy. I live close to the surgery, so I walk in just as it opens. One receptionist is on the phone, the other calls me forward.)

Me: “Hi, can I make an appointment today to see a doctor?”

Receptionist: “You have to phone for an on-the-day appointment.”

Me: “I… have to call? I can’t make one right here?”

Receptionist: “No, you have to phone.”

Me: “Why can’t I make one now?”

Receptionist: *glaring* “You have to phone. You can’t just walk in and book it.”

Me: “What’s the difference?”

Receptionist: “You have to phone.”

Me: “Okaaaay…”

(I step literally two steps away from the desk, pull out my mobile, and dial the surgery. Nobody else is waiting, so the receptionist is now free to answer the phones. Glaring at me the entire time, she answers the phone… to me.)

Receptionist: “[Surgery], how can I help?”

Me: “I’d like to make an appointment today, please.”

(The other receptionist had finished her call at this point, and just sat there open-mouthed looking backwards and forwards between us as I made an appointment, over the phone, with the receptionist sitting right in front of me

[florida80]

Read The Bloody Chart

Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, New York, USA | Healthy | July 24, 2018


(I start menstruating at 12 years old, but my periods never become regular over time like they are supposed to. Sometimes they last three days, sometimes six or seven. Sometimes I wait three weeks between periods, sometimes five or six weeks. For a while, it doesn’t bother me, but when I am 22, I decide to go to a gynecologist and ask if there is anything to worry about. I should also note that I look very young and am often mistaken for a teenager. At the doctor’s office, I am taken to an exam room where the nurse takes my history and tells me the doctor will be there in a few minutes.)

Doctor: *does not look at my chart* “I hear you’re concerned that your period isn’t regular yet.”

Me: “That’s right; it’s always a surprise. I just want to make sure it’s nothing I should be worried about.”

Doctor: *condescendingly* “Well, it’s not uncommon for periods to be irregular after they start. It can take a few years for your period to become regular.”

Me: *realizing she thinks I’m a teenager* “Ten? Is ten enough years? Because it’s been ten years.”

(The doctor goes white, quickly grabs my chart, and realizes I’m older than she assumed.)

Doctor: “Oh! It definitely should be regular by now; let’s run some blood work.”

[florida80]

Shouldn’t Have Followed The White Rabbit

Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Non-Dialogue, Pet Store, Pets & Animals, USA, Wisconsin | Healthy | July 23, 2018


I work for a very small, in-state pet store chain. All of us employees are major animal lovers and have pet experience of some kind or another; it’s pretty much a requirement if you want to get a job there. We offer, among other things, nail clippings. Most of the animals we see come in are obviously loved and well-cared for, especially if their owners are regulars. However, that’s not always the case.

A customer came in with a year-old male rabbit of an unidentified breed for a nail clipping. Rabbits don’t come in too often, but things seem fairly normal. Things started to get weird — in hindsight, anyway — when the customer asked us for any vets in the area that took rabbits. Apparently, the rabbit hadn’t been eating for three months — later corrected to three weeks — and she felt that something was wrong. Oh, boy, she had no idea.

According to my coworker who clipped the rabbit, he yawned during the clipping, revealing some very overgrown incisors. How overgrown, you may ask? So overgrown that the lower teeth were starting to poke into the poor bunny’s nostrils. Worse, he had matted fur on his butt, consistent with sitting in a cage for long periods of time. Even worse than that, the nails themselves turned out to be nearly an inch long. And considering he hadn’t been eating for so long, it was a wonder that he was still alive and not emaciated. The rabbit was also a total sweetheart, further adding to the heartbreak.

To make matters worse, the customer left the store for nearly an hour. We practically ceased all operations looking for her and figuring out what to do with the rabbit, since, as time ticked by, we gave up hope of her ever coming back for it. Thankfully, the customer did come back; it turned out she just stopped by the dollar store nearby. Once we told her the condition of her rabbit, she was genuinely shocked, especially when we showed her his teeth. It turns out that not only was she not getting his teeth trimmed, but she only gave him paper towel tubes to chew on, because, “That’s what Google said,” hence the overgrown lower incisors. And yet she wondered why he wasn’t eating!

We finally managed to give her the address of the nearest 24-hour emergency vet clinic to get the rabbit some fluids and grind down his teeth. We also gave her tips on how to get rid of the mats safely and recommended getting the rabbit out of the cage more often. She thanked us deeply, paid for the clipping, and left with the rabbit in tow, hopefully to the vet. I sincerely hope the owner learned from this experience and will start taking better care of the sweet little thing, but at the same time just thinking about it still pisses me off. No matter how understanding the lady was, I will never get over how much she neglected that poor little rabbit.

Moral of the story? Some people really should not own pets, and those who do should do their research before getting it.

[florida80]

Pet Owners Are Barking Mad

Bar, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, UK, Weather | Healthy | July 23, 2018


(The UK has been struggling with a heatwave. We’ve just finished a lunch rush and things are a little quieter. We just cleaning up the bar area while people finish up their food when my coworker and I hear the most awful, rasping panting from a dog entering the door. An older couple enter with their small dog, who is barely able to to walk in a straight line, and sit themselves down at a table. The woman approaches us.)

Woman: “Hi, are you still serving food?

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Would you like some water for your dog before you order? We want to make all of our guests to be comfortable.”

(I ask this because I’m increasingly concerned for the dog’s wellbeing — its panting is sounding significantly worse and it is drooling excessively for a small dog — but I don’t want to sound too nosey.)

Woman: “Oh, no, he’s fine. He’s just tired from our walk up [Popular Tourist Cliff Walk about 2.5 miles long]. We have some water, anyway.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

(I take her order and serve their drinks quickly, watching the dog drink almost half a litre of water rapidly with no change in comfort. Just as I go to check on another table, the dog gets briefly to its feet to vomit violently, only to collapse into the vomit. I quickly try to keep my other customers, including children, calm while the dog’s owners seem oblivious to the severity of its condition, which is now clearly heatstroke.)

Woman: “Oh, dear, someone’s drank too quickly and is tired!” *to my coworker and myself* “Will you be dears and help us clean up?”

(My coworker goes to clean up the vomit while I swiftly go into the kitchen to explain the situation to my boss, who is also the chef.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss], I think we have a dog with heatstroke out there. Is there anything we can do? I’m willing to call [Friend of mine who is a veterinary nurse], if you’d like.”

Boss: “There’s not much we can do, [My Name]; it’s not our dog. Offer to call [Vet a few miles up the road] for them and try to get them to go there; otherwise, you just have to continue as normal. I’m sorry.”

(I go back out and do as I’ve been told to do, offering help as much as I can.)

Woman: “I’m sure he’s fine. We’ll consider it if he doesn’t improve by the time our food comes out.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. No problem.”

(I try to continue with my other tasks while still watching for any change in the dog. A few minutes later, the food is ready and I take it out to them. The dog is still severely panting, and the owners have now taken the water away to stop him from vomiting it up again. I have to bite my tongue and say nothing, cleaning dirty glasses behind the bar so I can listen to them talking and be ready to do something if the dog ends up going into shock or a seizure.)

Woman: *to a concerned customer* “Oh, he didn’t make it to the top of [Cliff Walk], but luckily we had a deck chair with us and we used that as a stretcher to carry him there! It was beautiful up there, you know? The sun and the heat was warming up all of our old bones wonderfully! There weren’t any other dogs, either, so we had most of the cliff to ourselves! It really was fantastic.”

(The couple left with their dog after an agonisingly long time eating their food, with all of us encouraging them to go to the vet again before they left. Several hours later when my shift ended, I went to the vets to pick up some wormers for my own pets only to find out the couple hadn’t come in. It wasn’t until the next morning my friend texted me to let me know they ended up coming in during the night. They had found the dog unresponsive in its own vomit again shortly after coming back to their caravan after visiting friends. The poor little thing died of heatstroke less than an hour later. I can’t help wishing I could have done more, and that the owners had not been so stupid as to take their dog for a walk in that heat.)

[florida80]

Makes You Wish You Could Just Die(late)

Arizona, Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Phoenix, Restaurant, Strangers, USA | Healthy | July 22, 2018


(I have just had an eye exam. This time I need mine dilated. The exam is good, and afterward, my grandma and I decided to head to [Restaurant] for breakfast. Note that, per doctor’s orders — and because I’m not stupid — I have my sunglasses on inside the restaurant itself. Any logical person would mind their own d*** business, despite there being a young adult sitting in a room with her back towards the window with sunglasses on. One lady, however, doesn’t get that and comes up to the table.)

Lady: “Why do you have sunglasses on?”

Me: *because it’s loud and I can’t hear well* “I’m sorry?”

Lady: “I said, ‘Why do you have your sunglasses on in here?!’ You’re high, aren’t you? You must be high!”

Me: *trying to keep a polite approach in the hopes that she leaves* “Ma’am, I can assure you, I’ve never even touched marijuana.”

Lady: “That’s what a pothead would say!”

Me: “So, because I have my sunglasses on inside, I’m a pothead, am I?”

Lady: “Yes, you f****** are! That stuff is bad for you!”

Me: “Certainly, because I’m allergic to the smell.”

(This is true. I get incredibly dizzy with the smell of weed.)

Lady: “You’re lying! You just had a blunt, and now you’re having a case of the munchies!”

Me: “Please, leave us alone.”

Lady: “Not until you leave!”

(I’m annoyed and have a headache from the noise, and my eyes are hurting, and I’m hangry. I move my sunglasses so she can see my eyes.)

Me: “THEY’RE BIG, NOT RED!”

(The lady, I guess not expecting a 4’11” girl to snap, stepped back and scurried off to whatever she was doing before. I can get not being a fan of weed — like I said, I have an allergy with the smell of it — but even if I had been smoking it, what good would yelling at me do? Sometimes just keep your opinion to yourself

[florida80]

A Very Secure Argument

Bad Behavior, Hospital, Patients, USA | Healthy | July 19, 2018


(I work in a children’s hospital. Like most hospitals, we have a code system for emergencies. In our hospital, Code Pink is missing child — either patient, or sibling or friend visitor. We are responding to a Code Pink involving a teenager girl — here after an attempted suicide — who has gone missing from her room. Part of the response is that everyone needs to stay where they are when the code is issued, while the nurses search every room in their unit and allied health professionals man the doors between units. I’m an allied health professional, so I’m guarding the door between two units. It’s also right before visitors are supposed to leave for the night. Several visitors come to me, trying to leave to go home.)

Me: “We’re searching for a missing child at the moment, so please return to your child’s room until we notify you that our search is completed.”

Most People: “Oh, absolutely. I hope you find them quickly.”

Man: “Well, I’m tired, and I’m going home.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you cannot leave right now.”

Man: “Well, I’m leaving.”

Me: “With all due respect, no, you aren’t. Even if you get past me, no one is coming in or out of the hospital right now.”

Man: *starts to push past me* “I’m leaving.”

Me: “You will be stopped at the main door by security, anyway. We need everyone to stay where they are.”

Man: “I’ll get through security, too.”

Me: “May I remind you that security has pepper spray and tasers? Sir, I’m sure you can imagine that we take a missing child very seriously, and security is not going to play games with you.”

(He dejectedly went back to his room. For those worried, it turns out that the girl’s “friends” were trying to break her out of the hospital. She was 17. They were 18. They made it to the train station outside. They got charged with kidnapping.)

[florida80]

Waiting For Cancer

Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | July 16, 2018


The nearest clinic that takes my insurance is a pretty far drive for me, so I try to book multiple medical appointments for the same day, or at least get more than one thing scheduled each time I go in. On this particular day, I’ve booked two appointments: one consultation that should take about thirty minutes, and a prescription renewal for a psychiatric medication that should only be about fifteen minutes. The receptionist and I agree that it makes sense to put in some buffer time, just in case the consultation takes a little longer than expected, so my psychiatric appointment is scheduled to start fifteen minutes after my consultation should end.

I arrive at the clinic fifteen minutes early, check in for both my appointments, remind the receptionist of my schedule, and settle into the waiting room. It’s not unusual for appointments at this clinic to run a few minutes late, so I’m not surprised when we’re five minutes past my first appointment time and I haven’t been called back; I left the buffer time for a reason. However, by the time we approach the twenty-minute mark, I’m pretty concerned. I go to the desk and ask, and the receptionist promises someone will be with me soon. I remind him that I have the second appointment, and he tells me that the psychiatrist’s schedule isn’t jammed, so if I’m a few minutes late, that’s all right. I’m getting a little annoyed, but I try to let it go and go back to wait.

Another ten minutes pass before a nurse brings me back to take my vitals, at what was supposed to be the end of my appointment time. I ask him about the delays, and he tells me that it will be fine and the doctor will be right with me, and leaves me in the office, alone.

I wait in the office for another twenty minutes, now officially five minutes into my psychiatric appointment time, before I step back into the front office. The receptionist says that the consulting doctor’s schedule is completely backed up, so he sends me back to do my psychiatric appointment while I wait. The psychiatrist is very understanding when I explain the whole confusion, and we’re just starting to talk about my medication when another doctor throws the door open without knocking first. Apparently, this is my consulting doctor.

She’s very angry, and starts laying into the psychiatrist, yelling about how it was absolutely unprofessional for him to take me back before I’d met with her, how it was screwing up her whole schedule, and how my consultation today was already going to be difficult, going into details about why it would be. Finally, she turns to me and tells me that if I want to meet with her at all, I have to do it now, because her schedule is so tight today. The psychiatrist tells me to go ahead, and he’ll talk to the receptionist and make sure I can still see him today.

I really don’t want to deal with this woman, but the consultation is for a cancer screening, for a fast-acting type that runs in my family. I’m high risk for it, and if I have it, even the few weeks it might take to rebook a consultation with a less-PO’d doctor could seriously impact my treatment. She’s professional enough during my appointment, and can tell me that I am, in fact, cancer-free, but I’m still very uncomfortable with her.

Luckily, I am able to rebook the psychiatric consultation after just another twenty-minute wait, although I’m now here over an hour later than I’d planned to be. I’m ready to just run out as quickly as I can, but the psychiatrist asks me if I can stay and speak to a staff member about my experience today.

Turns out, the reason there was a twenty-minute wait was because he filed a report against the other doctor for barging into my appointment with him without even knocking first, and then for yelling at him, including information about my appointment in her rant that he had no reason to know, since it didn’t relate to his treatment of me. I’m not sure if what she did was technically a HIPPA violation, or if it just violated the clinic’s policy, but when I go to book another appointment six months later, and specify that I’d like to be seen by any doctor except her, I’m told that she’s no longer with the clinic.

[florida80]

Hopefully You Have A Good Vinyl Collection

Australia, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Sydney | Healthy | July 15, 2018


(I am allergic to both latex and nitrile, but they’re both relatively new allergies for me, so I don’t think to mention them at first. I need blood taken, so the nurse and I are chatting as she gets the vials ready. As she reaches for the gloves, I notice the box.)

Me: “Oh, sorry. I forgot to say, I’m allergic to both latex and nitrile. Do you have different gloves?”

(The nurse looks at the box, as well.)

Nurse: “These are latex free.”

Me: “I know, but they’re usually nitrile, and I’m allergic to that, too. Do you have vinyl?”

(She grabs a box of vinyl gloves for me.)

Nurse: “Do you know how often I need to wear these? Maybe once a year. They’re horrible! They’re too big, and they feel awful on your hands! I hate them so much!”

(She continued to complain about the gloves as she took my blood. I know vinyl gloves are horrible; I have to wear them for work, too. But I’d also rather not spend the next few hours itching because I got latex or nitrile on my skin!)

[florida80]

Has Been Trying In Vein

Bad Behavior, Blood Donation, Employees, Jerk, New York, USA | Healthy | July 14, 2018


(I have been donating blood at least twice a year ever since I was 18 years old. Once the needle gets into a vein, I have no problems filling the bag. The problem is my veins tend to “squirm” under my skin, and if they don’t get pierced straight on, they have a habit of popping. Due to this, I am rather used to them needing multiple attempts to stick me. One time, I go in to make my donation, and after doing all of the paperwork, I am sat on the bench. The phlebotomist — blood drawer — walks up with a young guy.)

Phlebotomist: “Mr. [My Name]? This is [Trainee], and he is a trainee with us. He is almost done with his training. Would you be okay if he did the needle insertion on you today?”

Me: “I mean, it’s fine with me, but he might have a hard time. I’m sometimes hard to stick.”

Phlebotomist: “Okay, [Trainee], I’ll be over there if you need me.”

(The phlebotomist then walks away to go do a draw from another donor across the room.)

Me: “All right, [Trainee], looks like it’s just the two of us. Just to warn you, my veins tend to squirm a bit, and are easy to pop. Just take your time.”

Trainee: “Don’t worry, sir. This should be easy. Just squeeze on this ball, and… Shoot.”

(He slid the needle into my arm, and, like I warned him, my vein moved out of the way. He tries to change the angle of the needle while it is in my arm, causing a good bit of pain, and then scrapes the side of the vein, popping it.)

Trainee: “Darn! Don’t worry; this is fine. There is another vein I can use. Just make sure you sit still, please. Please squeeze. D***!”

(Another squirm and another pop, luckily with no digging inside of my flesh this time.)

Me: “Do you think you should get your trainer to come and look?”

Trainee: “No, sir. I am almost fully trained, and I have done this before. Is it okay if I move over to your other arm and give that one a shot?”

Me: “Sure, but you are going to have the same problem over there.”

(He moves over to my other side, cleans the skin, ties off the band, pokes at my vein with his finger a couple of times, and lines up the needle.)

Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to call your trainer over?”

Trainee: “I’m sure, sir. This will be fine. Just please don’t move while I’m inserting the needle. Squeeze. Fu… Um… Hey, [Phlebotomist], could you come over for a second, please?”

(He has managed to pop the third vein, and when extracting the needle, he ripped my skin a bit, causing me to start bleeding. When the phlebotomist gets over, he says to her:)

Trainee: “I don’t know what this guy is doing, but he keeps moving his veins while I’m working.”

Phlebotomist: “I doubt he is doing it on purpose. Let me try another vein, and I’ll show you how to do it.”

Trainee: “Umm… I already tried both elbows, and the veins all popped under me.”

Phlebotomist: “Why didn’t you call me when you started having trouble?”

Trainee: “It would have been fine if he hadn’t been wiggling his veins. Look, I tried both in his left arm, and one in his right, but his right is bleeding now, so I can’t do the other. Do you think I should go for an artery?”

Phlebotomist & Me: “WHAT?!”

Phlebotomist: “NO! YOU DO NOT TAKE BLOOD FROM AN ARTERY! NOT WITH THE TRAINING YOU HAVE! That donor over there is almost full; go take his needle out when he is done, and point him to the snacks.”

(The trainee walks away, muttering something under his breath that I can only assume is more blaming me for moving my veins. The phlebotomist apologizes profusely, saying that she hasn’t had any trouble with him yet today, he has been good with other donors, etc. As they can’t get blood from popped veins, she tells me to come back in a month after they have healed up. As I’m walking to the front door, I walk past the trainee, who gives me a glare, and says:)

Trainee: “Next time, sir, please hold still while we are inserting the needle.”

(When I went back in, the phlebotomist recognized me, and came up to apologize again, and said that the trainee no longer worked there, at least partially due to the fact that he kept blaming the donors if anything went wrong.)

[florida80]

Did You Write This With Your Feet?

Costa Rica, Doctor/Physician, Language & Words, Medical Office | Healthy | July 13, 2018


(Recently I discovered I have a mass next to my right knee; this, mixed with constant pain on my back, makes me go to a doctor. She recommends I get x-rays for both knees and back, and gives me a paper with all the indications for the professional in charge. Problem is, I can’t understand the handwriting, but she assures me they will.)

Receptionist: *on the phone* “Welcome to [Clinic]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I need two x-rays for my back and knees, as well as an ultrasound of my right knee.”

Receptionist: “What kind?”

Me: *tries to read indications* “Sorry, I can’t read my doc’s note.”

Receptionist: “Send it to us through [number].”

(I do, and wait ten minutes for the receptionist to return to the phone.)

Receptionist: “According to this, you need one x-ray of your knee, one of your feet, and one ultrasound. Be here at 10:20 am.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Okay, great. I’ll be there.”

(I go in and pay first. Just then, I notice the x-ray for my back is missing. The receptionist asks for my instructions and shows me it doesn’t mention my back, only knees and feet. At first I let it go… but eventually it bothers me, so I call the doctor.)

Me: “Doc, I’m sorry to bother. Why didn’t you send me to get an x-ray of my back? The instructions only say knees and feet.”

Doctor: “Mmm, send over the instructions through a message, please.”

(I do.)

Doctor: “[My Name], it doesn’t say, ‘of feet,’ it says, ‘Take x-ray of back while on her feet.’”

(Penmanship is important, kids!)

[florida80]

Filling In Her Memory

Bad Behavior, Dentist, Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, USA | Healthy | July 12, 2018


(When I was a teenager I had two fillings put into separate back molars. The dentist didn’t wait until I was properly numb to do it, and both of them ended up coming out within the next few days while I was just watching TV. My family wasn’t exactly the best and didn’t believe me when I told them they came out, so I didn’t go back. Fast-forward to about a year ago. I’m out on a date, and I bite down with one of the teeth and the whole thing shatters into five pieces. I make an emergency appointment with the only dentist in town that can take me on such short notice — the dentist from before — and suffer for a day or two until I go in. When the dentist comes in and asks me why I’m there, I tell her about the tooth being shattered. She visibly rolls her eyes at my expense and takes a look, only to freeze in shock.)

Dentist: “Oh! It’s actually shattered. You know, that happens when you don’t get your cavities filled.”

Me: “I’d had it filled before, but it wasn’t done right and came out the next day. I was under eighteen, and my family wouldn’t bring me back.”

Dentist: “And you didn’t eat anything you weren’t supposed to?”

Me: “No, it wasn’t my first filling, and I followed the instructions.”

Dentist: “Well, whoever did the filling obviously didn’t know what they were doing.”

Me: “Well, you’re not too far off the mark, since you’re the one who did it.”

(She suddenly remembered me and actually looked embarrassed. She never apologized, but she was extra careful with explaining my options and giving me a crown — making sure I was properly numb this time — and when I went to pay, she’d knocked down the price a bit. This isn’t the only horrible story I have about her, but this was the last time I let her work on me. I’m glad we finally got a new practice in town and I can go somewhere else.)

[florida80]

A Good Comeback Helps The Medicine Go Down

Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | July 12, 2018


(I am in high school, and for this semester I need to have a physical done so that I can participate in a mandatory PE class. My mom brings me over to the doctor’s office the school recommends, since our regular GP is currently out of town. At this time in my life, I am very active; I regularly go to karate lessons, hike, swim, and go mountain biking. I also take after my mother’s side of the family, who are built very squarish: short, with broad shoulders and hips. After going through all of the questions and tests, we have this gem of a conversation.)

Nurse: “It looks like everything is in order. Just remember that walking from the fridge to the couch is not ‘exercise.’”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Nurse: “Honey, calling it ‘hiking’ doesn’t make it any better for you.” *she turns to my mother* “Especially with that as an example.”

Mom: “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that judgemental comments were part of the package. We don’t have to pay extra for them, do we?”

(The nurse looked shocked, but we got the paperwork we needed and headed out. We also let the doctor know about his nurse’s behavior.)

[florida80]

Their Brain Is In Another Box

Airport, Bizarre, Health & Body, Non-Dialogue, USA, Wisconsin | Healthy | July 11, 2018


I work at a medical courier company. Basically, I go to different hospitals and pick up and drop off blood and urine samples because different hospitals are equipped to do different kinds of tests. There are some cases where the samples have to be sent on a plane because only a couple hospitals in the country do those certain tests. I go to the airport, where I drop off the box of samples. The box is big and clearly marked, “Biohazard,” and there are some stickers that say, “Biological Substances.”

I’m in line, and a woman comes up to me, looks me straight in the face, and asks, “So, is that like… arms and legs?” I just looked at her for a good 15 seconds before saying, “No.”

[florida80]

A Lack Of Blood To Their Brain

Blood Donation, France, Ignoring & Inattentive, Reception | Healthy | July 10, 2018


(I am a regular blood donator, something like ten times already in around five years, but I haven’t donated my platelets for almost a year due to a lack of time. I regularly get vocal messages from the Blood Donation Center asking me if I would agree to a new donation. This time, I call them back, around 20 minutes after the original call. I moved to [City #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ], and the Blood Donation Center here does not have the proper equipment to perform platelet donation, so I am required to go back to [City #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] to do it, which I can only do during weekends.)

Me: “Hello, you just called me for a platelet donation. I would like to schedule an appointment, but I can only come to [City #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] during weekends as I’m living in [City #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ], and I know I can’t do this at the local blood donation center.”

Lady: “Oh, yeah, please let me check.”

(She puts me on hold for around three minutes, which is rather unusual. I’m a bit busy, so it gets on my nerves, but hey, it’s supporting a good cause.)

Lady: “Well, [City #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]’s center never had the proper equipment for platelet donation.”

Me: “Yes, I know. That’s why I want an appointment in [City #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ], on a weekend.”

Lady: “Well, okay. I have something on [date two weeks later] at 10:00 or 10:30; is that okay for you?”

Me: “Yeah, 10:30 would be perfect.”

Lady: “So 10:00.”

Me: “No, 10:30.”

Lady: “Okay. May I have your name?”

Me: “It’s [My Name].”

Lady: “I can’t find you. You’re not in the registry. You never donated your platelets, did you?”

Me: “Well, how could you call me, and leave me a vocal message asking me to come back to donate platelets, if I’m not in your registry?”

Lady: “I can’t find you. You’re not in the registry. If you had ever donated blood or platelets, you would be in the registry.”

Me: “You see, that’s also why I almost never call back.”

(I called back the next day, got another lady on the phone, and surprisingly — not really — got an appointment booked, as she very easily found me in the registry.)

[florida80]

Sick Burn, Bro!

Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Germany, Health & Body, home, Siblings | Healthy | July 10, 2018


(The minute my brother graduates from medical school, my family turns him into their private doctor. Every little ailment or problem is run by him, even if it’s something completely normal. Our grandparents especially tend to call him at the oddest times to ask about this thing hurting or this bit feeling weird. One day in my kitchen, I burn myself very badly all over my upper arm. I don’t have time or money to go to the ER or see a doctor, so I just treat it the way I learned in first-aid class. It heals fine, except the area of skin is now a darker shade than the rest, and rougher.)

Brother: *noticing the dark, scarred areas a few weeks later* “[My Name], what’s that? It looks like burn marks.”

Me: “Yep. I burned myself with boiling water, but I treated it this way–” *explains everything I did*

Brother: “Okay, luckily you did do everything properly, but I’m still angry. You’re literally the first one in the family to actually need my medical expertise, and you didn’t ask for it?!”

Me: “I didn’t want to bother you like the grandparents do all the time.”

Brother: “You had second degree burns! Maybe even third! You should’ve seen a doctor, like your own brother.”

(I agree now that I was young, naive, and quite dumb not to call him. I’m planning to cover the scars with tattoos, anyway. My brother has requested at least one tattoo dedicated to him to remind me of my own stupidity

[florida80]

OMG-YN

Columbus, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Ohio, Silly, USA | Healthy | July 9, 2018


(After 20 years of seeing only female OB/GYNs, I have moved to a new city and can only get in to see a male gynecologist. I have been reassured by a friend, who is also a doctor, that he is one of the best in his field, but I’m nervous even after chatting with him at his desk. Once I’m by myself and getting “into the position” in an exam room, I notice only one stirrup is up, leaving my foot away from the wall hanging loose.)

Doctor: *knocks politely before entering* “Okay, are you settled in?”

Me: “Well, I couldn’t scoot to the edge of the table because only one stirrup is working. Is it broken?”

Doctor: *smiling and wincing* “No, I just wait until I’m seated to move up that one. Walking into it once was enough to never let that happen again.”

Me: *realizing it would be at groin level for him as well as for me* “Well, that is an occupational hazard I wouldn’t have considered!”

(He’s still my doctor a dozen years later.)

[florida80]

When Patients Need Patience

Bad Behavior, California, Hospital, Jerk, Los Angeles, Nurses, Patients, Time, USA | Healthy | July 8, 2018


(I am in the waiting room of an OBGYN office I’ve never been to before. It is the only one in the area that is in my HMO insurance network. It’s late morning; appointments are not meant to be longer than 20 minutes, so I am planning to attend classes afterwards. When I walk in, I’m told that there is an extremely long wait time, even though we all have timed appointments — and are actually meant to be seen at that time. Though every hospital and office in this entire HMO company has a policy that if a patient checks in more than 15 minutes late they lose their appointment, obviously no equal rules have ever applied to providers being penalized for lateness. I have waited an hour already. Another patient, who is waiting for the same doctor, is sitting next to me with her newborn baby.)

Patient: “Oh, yeah. It’s aaaaalways been this way in this office for as long as I’ve been coming here. They’re aaaaalways extremely behind schedule.”

(This is not reassuring; since she’s got a baby, one can assume she’s been a patient with frequent appointments here for at least nine months.)

Patient: “Yeah, that’s why I’ve always made sure to get the very first appointment super-early in the morning. That’s absolutely the only way to get out of here on time. I just couldn’t manage it today. Oh, but don’t worry; I’ll be super-quick with my appointment, only five minutes. So you all won’t have to wait too much longer!”

(It’s nice of her, but we’re all already extremely late, anyway. I’m pretty appalled that a woman with a newborn is being made to wait around like this for well over an hour; luckily, her baby keeps on sleeping. I also wonder, if this office always runs severely late, why don’t they at least warn patients when we make our appointments? Many patients go up to ask the nurses several times what is going on with the excessive wait time. From overhearing them, it becomes clear that at least half a dozen of them are waiting for the same doctor I am, who appears to be the main cause of waiting-room congestion. The nurses seem extremely practiced at politely fobbing us off while giving non-answers about why this is happening or how much longer it’ll be, as well as pretending to be helpless and confused themselves, while giving off the heavy impression that this is actually all “business as usual.” I’m extremely unhappy; there is no end to the wait in sight, and it’s clear I’ll miss my classes. In other circumstances I’d just leave, but I am there because of suspicion of a uterine tumor and absolutely need to have tests done. Most people resign themselves to waiting, except for one young woman, who checked in 20 minutes after me, and keeps on whining to the nurses over and over. After waiting less than an hour, she starts going towards the exit door in showy slow-motion, while she declares extra loudly to the entire room that she’s leaving since she must get back to her job. I feel extremely skeptical of this, as she is dressed very unprofessionally, even by the standards of the most casual minimum-wage job, and has multiple large, prominent facial piercings.)

Nurse: “Oh, no! No, Ms. [Whiny Patient], don’t leave!”

Whiny Patient: “Oh, I absolutely have to get back to work! There’s no way I can stay here any longer!”

Nurse: “If you wait just a moment, I’ll go right away to ask the doctor if she can accommodate you sooner! Just wait right here!”

(The nurse goes inside the medical office, and comes back within two minutes to call the whiny patient in to be seen by the doctor immediately. I am shocked, as I know this girl was in line behind me, and there’s still at least one other person in front of me, as well. I go up to the nurses again.)

Me: “Excuse me, but I believe that young woman who just went in is seeing the same doctor as me, and several other people here.”

Nurse: “Well, yes, she is in with [Doctor].”

Me: “Did you really just call her in ahead of all of us, including those that were here first?!”

Nurse: “Well, yes. You see, she is in a very great hurry to get back to work. So we just had to see her now. [Doctor] did her a favor and managed to squeeze her in sooner.” *without appearing to realize the actual obvious meaning of that sentence*

Me: “Oh, my God, really?! [Doctor] did her a favor and squeezed her in?! What you’re actually saying is you talked Dr. [Doctor] into seeing her sooner, at all of the rest of our expense, without even consulting us! Neither [Doctor] nor any of you lost anything by doing this! You all just chose to steal several other people’s time for your own convenience of not having to explain the reason behind the patient’s appointment cancellation after she’d already showed up and paid for it! Wow, I wish I’d thought of getting up, whining a lot, and loudly threatening to leave; apparently it would have gotten me seen a lot sooner, too!”

(Even besides me, there were very good odds that some of the other patients also had to get to work — no one was even asked. But we all acted like adults and dealt with it instead of making a loud fuss to skip ahead of others in line. The nurse and doctor just decided that since we didn’t throw up a fuss, it automatically meant our time was worthless compared to [Whiny Patient]’s, and could be taken away from us with no notice. [Whiny Patient]’s appointment was not quick in the least. By the time she left, and then they finished with the other patient ahead of me, I was called in a whopping hour and 42 minutes later than my scheduled appointment time. While [Doctor] seemed likable and competent in person — once I finally got to see her — I couldn’t help questioning both her character and her competency in my head through the entire appointment because of the unprofessional mess with the waiting room. After leaving there, since they’d already ensured I would fully miss all my classes that day, I went straight up a couple of floors in the hospital, to the Member Services department– where they saw me very promptly, even with no appointment — and submitted a complaint face-to-face with a nice, attentive employee who typed up everything I told him. I made sure to tell him every detail, including the 1:40 wait time and the long-time patient who told me that the OBGYN office always operates this way. It’s been several years, and I have never gone back to that office.)

[florida80]

Initially Brilliant

Friends, home, Norway, Patients, Silly | Healthy | July 7, 2018


(A close friend of mine is visiting me for dinner. She has leukemia, but is in remission at this point. It should probably be noted that we share a pretty dark sense of humor, which is how we both cope with her illness.)

Me: “What have you been doing lately?”

Friend: “I had tests at [Only Major Hospital in the area] this week.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks. I was there with mom when she had tests done a few years back, and the wait was horrible. There’s always so many people!”

Friend: “Oh, I got seen pretty quickly.”

Me: “Did you get there early, or was it good timing?”

Friend: “No, I just put [Initials] in the top corner of the admission forms, and they took me right in.”

Me: “What do they mean?”

Friend: “It’s the shorthand code for ‘to be seen immediately.’ My doctors used it all the time. I just put it in myself, now.”

Me: *laughing* “I knew you were wicked! You’re skipping the line in the hospital?”

Friend: *also laughing* “Hey, I have cancer! And also better things to do with my time than wait in line.”

(Unfortunately, her cancer returned, twice, and she lost the battle against it several years ago. But stories like this one still make me laugh when I tell people about her

[florida80]

How Dare You Stop To Eat?!

Illinois, Instant Karma, Jerk, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(I go to the pharmacy department of a larger than normal location of a major retailer. It’s about 2:25 pm, and the gates to the pharmacy counter are down with a sign apologizing for being closed for lunch. There are about four people ahead of me in line. Though I am in a hurry, I decide to stay since the sign states that they will reopen in five minutes. Four minutes later, the gates reopen, and the pharmacist is at the counter alone, since her support staff hasn’t returned yet. She greets the first man in line.)

Pharmacist: “Thank you for waiting. How may I help you, sir?”

Man: “I’m here to pick up my prescription, under [Man].”

(The pharmacist verifies personal information with the man.)

Man: *as the pharmacist is ringing up the order* “I had to wait ten minutes for you guys to open! It’s just ridiculous that—”

Pharmacist: *cutting the man off, in a tone that is both mockingly concerned, and professional* “Yes, sir, it is ridiculous that I have to work a ten-hour shift, and am only allowed twenty minutes to sit down and eat in the back of this store. I’m so sorry that you had to wait that short amount of time. Your total is [amount].”

(The man said nothing further, refused to make eye contact with anyone, paid, and left. By then, her staff had returned, and the pharmacist went to the back of the work area, immediately answering the phone. The staff made short work of the rest of the people in line, who all were friendly to the workers. I was out the door before 2:40 pm.)

[florida80]

Got The Baby Blues

Bad Behavior, Emergency Services, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK, Wales | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(A few years ago, my brother worked in a 999 call centre, and he told us about a conversation that went roughly like this.)

Woman: “I was bathing my baby and she turned blue.”

Brother: “Where is your baby now?”

Woman: “Up in the bath.”

Brother: “On her own?”

Woman: “Yes.”

[florida80]

Initially Brilliant

Friends, home, Norway, Patients, Silly | Healthy | July 7, 2018


(A close friend of mine is visiting me for dinner. She has leukemia, but is in remission at this point. It should probably be noted that we share a pretty dark sense of humor, which is how we both cope with her illness.)

Me: “What have you been doing lately?”

Friend: “I had tests at [Only Major Hospital in the area] this week.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks. I was there with mom when she had tests done a few years back, and the wait was horrible. There’s always so many people!”

Friend: “Oh, I got seen pretty quickly.”

Me: “Did you get there early, or was it good timing?”

Friend: “No, I just put [Initials] in the top corner of the admission forms, and they took me right in.”

Me: “What do they mean?”

Friend: “It’s the shorthand code for ‘to be seen immediately.’ My doctors used it all the time. I just put it in myself, now.”

Me: *laughing* “I knew you were wicked! You’re skipping the line in the hospital?”

Friend: *also laughing* “Hey, I have cancer! And also better things to do with my time than wait in line.”

(Unfortunately, her cancer returned, twice, and she lost the battle against it several years ago. But stories like this one still make me laugh when I tell people about her.)

[florida80]

How Dare You Stop To Eat?!

Illinois, Instant Karma, Jerk, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(I go to the pharmacy department of a larger than normal location of a major retailer. It’s about 2:25 pm, and the gates to the pharmacy counter are down with a sign apologizing for being closed for lunch. There are about four people ahead of me in line. Though I am in a hurry, I decide to stay since the sign states that they will reopen in five minutes. Four minutes later, the gates reopen, and the pharmacist is at the counter alone, since her support staff hasn’t returned yet. She greets the first man in line.)

Pharmacist: “Thank you for waiting. How may I help you, sir?”

Man: “I’m here to pick up my prescription, under [Man].”

(The pharmacist verifies personal information with the man.)

Man: *as the pharmacist is ringing up the order* “I had to wait ten minutes for you guys to open! It’s just ridiculous that—”

Pharmacist: *cutting the man off, in a tone that is both mockingly concerned, and professional* “Yes, sir, it is ridiculous that I have to work a ten-hour shift, and am only allowed twenty minutes to sit down and eat in the back of this store. I’m so sorry that you had to wait that short amount of time. Your total is [amount].”

(The man said nothing further, refused to make eye contact with anyone, paid, and left. By then, her staff had returned, and the pharmacist went to the back of the work area, immediately answering the phone. The staff made short work of the rest of the people in line, who all were friendly to the workers. I was out the door before 2:40 pm.)

[florida80]

Got The Baby Blues

Bad Behavior, Emergency Services, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK, Wales | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(A few years ago, my brother worked in a 999 call centre, and he told us about a conversation that went roughly like this.)

Woman: “I was bathing my baby and she turned blue.”

Brother: “Where is your baby now?”

Woman: “Up in the bath.”

Brother: “On her own?”

Woman: “Yes.”

[florida80]

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How To Treat Dog-Breath

Canada, Extra Stupid, Ontario, Pharmacy, Strangers, Toronto | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(I am a veterinary technician and sometimes I leave work still wearing scrubs.)

Cashier: “So, you work at the dental office in this plaza, right?”

Me: “Nope, I’m a veterinary technician. I work at the vet clinic over there.” *gesturing*

Other Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “I’m a nurse for animals.”

Other Customer: “Oh. There’s this mouth-wash I’ve been meaning to try. The stuff from [Human Brand]. Can you tell me if it’s any good?”

Me: “Um… I’m a veterinary technician. I nurse animals.”

Other Customer: “It’s all the same. So, can you tell me if the mouthwash is any good?”

[florida80]

Some People Don’t Deserve Dogs

Bad Behavior, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | July 5, 2018


(I recently started working as a veterinarian at a clinic. We have one client who has become infamous for not giving his dog the sedative medications we recommended to help keep him comfortable during his visits. His anxiety at the office is so bad, we requested two different medications be used together, though often neither are given. As a result, whenever we have to do anything with the dog, we require the owner to place a muzzle on him, and our technicians have to wrestle with the dog while he is crying out in fear. We expect the client may get some kind of thrill watching these exchanges. The owner and dog are here for their recheck appointment with me, after choosing to try over the counter medications to try to deal with his dog’s problem. It is only me, the owner, and the dog for the exchange.)

Owner: “I think the skin is doing much better! Before, I couldn’t run my hands down his back, but now I can without a problem.”

Me: “That’s great. Is it true he’s still itching?”

Owner: “Yeah, but the scabs have gone away, except for one like this one on his side.”

(He show me one small scab. When I try to touch it, the dog barks and jerks in fear. The owner smirks a bit.)

Me: “Well, that’s good that the scabs have healed, but we’re still left with what to do about the itching. Our options are—”

Owner: *interrupting* “I know, I know, but look how much better it is! Isn’t the belly so much better?” *picks up terrified dog to show me his abdomen, freaking the dog out further*

Me: “It may be, but I can’t touch your dog to see how the skin is really doing.”

(This seems to really annoy the client.)

Owner: “Yeah, you can! I’ll just hold him really tight!”

Me: “But your dog is terrified, and that is not the type of relationship I want with your dog. That is why we want him to be on those medications when he comes in. That way, he can be more comfortable, and I can reward him with treats when he behaves well.”

Owner: “No, really it’s fine!” *hook his arms around the dog to hold him, further scaring the dog* “Here! Doesn’t the belly look so much better?” *lifts the dog again*

Me: “Yes, the belly looks better from what I can see, but I can’t touch him. I’m not going to foster that kind of relationship with your dog. We have two options. Either I can take him in the back with my techs–” *he had previously behaved better away from his owner* “–or you can come back when your dog has had his medications.”

(At this, the owner stormed out of the room, walked past the receptionist, and headed out the door. I zeroed out the re-exam fee, as I didn’t expect to charge him for a visual exam only, and put in a note about our interaction. I just hope he will start giving his dog the medications, rather than trying to force his dog into fearful situations.)

[florida80]

They Need New Glasses As Well As Their Drugs

Dallas, Ignoring & Inattentive, Patients, Pharmacy, Texas, USA | Healthy | July 5, 2018


(I pull into a drive-thru pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and there’s just one car in front of me. It’s ten full minutes before the car in front of me drives off and I can pull up to the window, but I’m not in a hurry, so I don’t really mind.)

Me: “I’m picking up a prescription for [My Last Name].”

Pharmacist: “Okay, let me just pull that up.”

(She’s gone for a few minutes, and I’m starting to think that this is why the line was slow. Obviously, I think, they must have new people there who don’t know what they’re doing. When she comes back:)

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have any filled prescriptions listed under your name.”

Me: “But I got an email saying my prescription was ready.”

Pharmacist: “I don’t know what to say. We have you in our system from about two years ago, but there’s nothing recent.”

Me: “Can you check again? I got the email, so I know it’s ready.”

(The pharmacist is gone even longer this time, and I’m starting to feel pretty righteously indignant.)

Pharmacist: “No, we don’t have anything ready for you.”

Me: “Look, that just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how I can have an email from Walgreens right here saying that my prescription is ready, but you guys apparently don’t have it.”

Pharmacist: *blank stare* “Ma’am, this is CVS.”

(I felt like such a complete moron that I just drove away in embarrassment. Pharmacist, if you’re out there, I’m really sorry I didn’t apologize!)

[florida80]

Independence Day Roundup

Inspirational, Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | July 4, 2018


Happy Birthday to the United States of America! Today we celebrate… with barbeques and picnics and parties and, of course, lots and lots of fireworks.

Here are some of our favorite stories about the Fourth of July. Enjoy! And if you’d like to share your own tale of the Fourth, leave us a comment or submit it here!



Happy Treason Day! — But will they be serving tea?

Viva La Revelation — There’s no independence from annoying customers…

Independent Of The Closing Times — …or the entitled customers…

Independent Of This Holiday — …or the geographically confused customer.

Independent Of Your Day — Some Americans still forget that Canada is not the US.

The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One — Some British still forget that the US is not part of Great Britain.

Murica! The Lullaby — Well, is there one?

Not The Brightest Spark In The Firework Display — Same holiday, different day?

Were You Born On The Third Of July? — Same holiday, different month?

Those Silly Colonies And Their Quaint Rebellion — Same holiday, different holiday?

Leap Days Of Logic — Different country, different calendar?

An Argument For The Separation Of Church And State — And sometimes folks forget that we still have ties to where our country came from!

[florida80]

The “Collapse” Of The Drug Trade

Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, Jerk, Nurses, USA | Healthy | July 4, 2018


(I am working at a retail chain one night. While helping pick up empty pallets around the store, I pass out for no discernible reason, completely losing consciousness and only waking up briefly at the store to EMTs loading me into an ambulance. Strangely, I remember the rest of the events pretty clearly.)

Me: “No, no ambulance. I don’t want to go to the hospital; I don’t have money.”

EMT: “You have to go.”

Me: *trying to sit up and move away* “No, I’m fine. I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

(I lose consciousness again after that and wake up in the actual hospital room to a nurse taking my vitals.)

Me: *still groggy* “Um… Where am I? What happened?”

Nurse: “You’re in the hospital. What drugs did you take?”

Me: “Huh? I’m not on any medicine.”

Nurse: “No, what drugs did you take?”

Me: “None?”

Nurse: “Come on. You’re not in trouble; just tell me what drugs you’re on.”

Me: “I’m not on any drugs!”

(The nurse just gave me side-eye and left at that point, only to return with a doctor a few minutes later.)

Nurse: “Okay, you need to tell us what drugs you’re on.”

Me: *having recovered enough now to be (mostly) sensible* “I told you: I’m not on any drugs! I’m fine; I’d like to go now.”

Nurse: “You can’t leave until you tell us what drugs you’re on. Just tell us what you took and you can go.”

Me: “I’m. Not. On. Drugs. I don’t even know what happened!”

Doctor: “If you tell us what drugs you’re on, we can help you.”

Me: *out of patience* “I’m not on drugs! Why are you not listening?”

(Fortunately, my friend from work came in and did her best to assure the staff that, no, I was not on drugs. They finally ran some tests and let me leave, but I don’t think they ever believed I wasn’t on something. Seriously, I get you have to ask, but there has to be a limit. Plus, you HAVE my blood.)

[florida80]

You Can’t Snake Your Way Into Heaven

Bizarre, Patients, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | July 4, 2018


(A very distraught-looking woman rushes into our emergency vet clinic with a garter snake in a shoebox. It would seem that she accidentally ran it over with her car while backing out of the driveway. The snake was horrifically mangled, but is still somehow unfortunately alive. It becomes instantly clear that it’s not going to make it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately I don’t think we can do anything to help this snake. At the very least, we can put him to sleep so at least he doesn’t have to suffer anymore.”

Woman: “I understand.”

(She looks very upset and begins crying.)

Me: “Just think of it this way. He’ll be chasing mice in Snake Heaven.”

Woman: “But snakes don’t go to Heaven! He’ll be partying down in Hell with the Devil!”

(She then walked out of the clinic, still crying, leaving me with the dying snake in the shoebox. I wish I could say that was the weirdest response that I’ve ever received when trying to comfort someone, but it’s not even close.)

[florida80]

Birth Control Out Of Control

Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | July 4, 2018


(I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody, and we have one family practice with three or four doctors on staff. When I am 12, I have to go on an antibiotic for two weeks. The nurse tells me what to prepare for, since it is a new medicine.)

Nurse: “You may feel sleepy. You may cough more. You may have diarrhea.”

Me: “Eww!”

Nurse: “Part of the deal, I’m afraid. Do you have any questions?”

Me: “Nope.”

Mother: “No, we’re good to go.”

Nurse: “All right.” *walks is to the lobby* “I hope you feel bet– Oh! Use condoms.”

Mother: “What?!”

Nurse: “Antibiotics can negate birth control. She’ll need to use another contraceptive.”

Me: *bright red and ready to cry* “But… I don’t… I’m not…”

Mother: “She is not sexually active.”

Nurse: “She’s not on the pill?”

Mother: “No! She’s 12!”

Nurse: “You can never be too careful. [Classmate Of Mine] is due to have her first baby in a few weeks, and she’s 13. [My Name] should really start birth control after these antibiotics.”

Mother: “[My Name], are you having sex?”

Me: *mortified* “NO!”

Nurse: “Children lie.”

Mother: “And that’s what she is: a child. She hasn’t even had her first period yet.”

(While I’m waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me whole, the nurse and my mother go back and forth about my nonexistent sex life until one of the doctors comes out.)

Doctor: “What is going on out here?!”

Nurse: “[My Name] is going on antibiotics, so I told her to use condoms for a while.”

Doctor: “I… I don’t even know where to begin with that. Please forgive us Mrs. [Our Last Name], [My Name]. If you have any further questions, please call me directly.”

(The doctor handed my mother her card and mother pulled me out of the office. When we returned a few weeks later to report back about the antibiotics, we learned that the insistent nurse no longer worked there. Obviously, some children do what they want, when they want. But given that boys were still pretty gross to me, I couldn’t imagine needing birth control at that age.)

[florida80]

Drink This, Then The Pneumonia Won’t Seem So Bad

Bad Behavior, home, Israel, Parents/Guardians, Patients |
Healthy | July 3, 2018

(I am nine years old. I have a pretty weak constitution and frequently fall ill. Every winter, like clockwork, I’ll get pneumonia, among other illnesses. I learn to recognize and become familiar with the sensation of my lungs feeling full of lead, and sharp, stabbing pain overtaking my ribcage on every inhale. I can’t breathe in enough oxygen to get out of bed. My parents choose their own methods of medical treatment for me. I’ve been bed-bound for days with pneumonia; I’ve got a high fever and am struggling to breathe. My parents have been bringing me occasional water and soup, and some seemingly random, unnamed medicines. Mom comes in, sits on the bed, and hands me a cup of medicine.)

Mom: “You need to drink this.”

(I take a sip. It’s horrifically bitter. I gag, cough, and hand it back.)

Me: “I… can’t… It’s… bitter… and gross!”

Mom: “You have to drink it, anyway; it’s medicine! You need to drink your medicine!”

Me: *panting* “I… can’t! There’s… no… way… I can… drink… that! It’s… undrinkable! It… tastes… like… poison!”

Mom: “Well, if you want to whine about it, fine.” *offhandedly* “Just know that since you’re severely ill, this is the only medicine that will save your life! If you won’t drink it, you’re going to die!“

Me: “…” *shock*

Mom: *matter-of-factly* “Yes, you are! You are so horrifically sick that you’ll die if you don’t drink all of this! Probably very quickly! Tonight, in fact! But I guess you don’t want it, so I’m just going to take this away now! I’m leaving with the medicine now, since you’re choosing to die!”

(She pauses.)

Mom: “Now. Are you suuuuuure you don’t want it?!” *wiggles the cup in front of me*

Me: *horrified fear*

(Of course, I reluctantly took the medicine back and choked it down miserably, while gagging and struggling not to throw up or expel my lungs. They continued “treating” me this way for years for every serious illness. Looking back, I think it’s likely it was some “medicinal” Russian tea, or maybe some over-the-counter unflavored children’s fever reducer like acetaminophen or Aspirin, and I really wouldn’t be surprised if they chose an unflavored version to save money. Some of the other “folk remedies” my parents inflicted on me to “treat” pneumonia were much more disturbing and gross. For some reason, they seemed to just treat these illnesses like regular colds. They never once took me to a doctor or hospital, no matter how bad it got or how high my fever, despite living in a country with free social healthcare, and otherwise regularly taking me to a doctor for check-ups and vaccines.)

[florida80]

Walk For A Mile… Away From Them

Amsterdam, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, The Netherlands | Healthy | July 3, 2018


(I am having a conversation with a rheumatologist.)

Rheumatologist: “One thing that you probably don’t want to hear is that it would help with some of your symptoms if you were to lose some weight.”

Me: “Yes, I agree. If you look here–” *I tap the relevant paragraph in the paperwork in front of her* “–I have detailed the years I have been struggling to lose weight and the steps I have taken, and have asked if you have any suggestions on how to try to tackle this issue.”

Rheumatologist: “It’s just that your back pain and foot pain will probably be lessened by weight loss.”

Me: “Yes, that’s one of the reasons I have been trying for so many years to lose weight.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, I would suggest you try going to a certified dietician.”

Me: “Here you can see the three I have visited, one of them a year ago, one three years before that, and one three or four years before that. I followed all of their advice to the letter and I did not lose weight.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, it’s still something you might want to try.”

Me: “Well, it isn’t covered completely by my insurance, and I am very poor, so I don’t think I’ll be able to go a fourth time right now.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand. But it might be worth a try, anyway.”

Me: “Well, I will go a fourth time when I can afford it.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, you’ve been before?”

Me: “Yes. Three. Times.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, maybe you should try going to one via the doctor so that you know you are going to a properly-certified one.”

Me: “I will do this a fourth time when I have the money.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, you’ve gone to one the doctor sent you to already?”

Me: “Yes. Three. Times.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, all right. Well, what else have you tried?”

Me: “As you see here—” *tapping paperwork again* “—I have, over the past ten years, done the following: two years of sticking religiously to less than 1500 calories per day while also walking briskly for two hours each day, three attempts with professional dieticians via the doctor, the keto diet for eight months which I just stopped, three years of fasting for three days every couple of months, an intensified exercise program designed by a physiotherapist, and periodic further attempts such as ten months only drinking slim-fast for breakfast and lunch and then eating a minimal dinner. At the moment, I walk a lot and now that my sprained ankle will, after 11 months, finally allow it, I am starting my home fitness routine again, with a cross-trainer and resistance training as far as my back and other joint ills will allow.”

Rheumatologist: “You know what doesn’t cost money? Exercise!”

Me: “Yes… As I said — and wrote — I walk a lot and am working on starting my routine again. At the moment, I walk a minimum of one hour a day just in the normal way of things and I try to do more. I walk pretty fast.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand, but really, it’s not that hard to get started. Maybe just try with 20 minutes every other day and see how that treats you, then build up from there.”

Me: “I. Already. Walk. More. Than. One. Hour. Every. Day.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand. Well, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like you need to scrap all the fad diet kicks and just eat fewer calories.”

Me: “Yes, I just stopped the keto diet and I will now again do the calorie-counting, while walking more than an hour a day, but as I said, I have already tried reducing the calories and I haven’t had any luck so far. But yes, obviously I will be doing that; otherwise I would gain weight and I really don’t want to do that!“

Rheumatologist: “Well, I understand why you wouldn’t want to do it; if you eat fewer calories, you will have to suffer feelings of hunger sometimes. I understand that this is difficult, so you might not want to do it, but it really is important that you try.”

Me: “Um… Here–” *tapping paperwork again* “–is where it says that I fasted for three days every couple of months for three years. I am not afraid of feelings of hunger.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, okay… I just think it would be good for you to give it a shot. Maybe start with 20 minutes of light walking every day, and see if you can reduce your calories a bit at a time. Maybe cut out desserts a couple of times a week; start from there. Anyway, obviously it won’t cure your fibromyalgia or anything, but if you could lose some weight it would help with the daily toll on your skeletal system, and with the amount of wear-and-tear you’re dealing with that would only be a good thing. Do you have any questions?”

Me: *giving up* “Nope. I’ll do my best.”

[florida80]

Tells Dad Jokes Religiously

Connecticut, Hospital, Parents/Guardians, Patients, Religion, Silly, USA | Healthy | July 2, 2018


(My dad is chronically unserious, even when he really ought not to be. He and my mother are in the intake of an ER, as he’s managed to injure himself somehow, and a nurse is doing the standard intake questions.)

Nurse: “Religion?”

Dad: “Orthodox Agnostic!”

(The nurse starts to write it down, then pauses and just looks confused.)

Mom: *exasperatedly* “None.”



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Needs A Follow-Up Follow-Up Sign

California, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Patients, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | July 2, 2018


(I work in the back office of a large multi-specialty practice. Patients routinely come out of the rooms after their appointments and need to make follow-up appointments, which they are supposed to do with the schedulers at the front desk where they checked in; the doctors tell them so. However, they usually make a beeline for where I sit at the nurses’ station and request that I schedule their follow-up. After a few months of directing patients to the front desk, I made a bold-face, full-page sign that sits upright on the counter between my desk and the patients saying, “Follow-up appointments can be made at the Front Desk,” with a bright orange arrow directing to the front. However, this still happens several times a week:)

Patient: *standing directly in front of the sign and craning their neck around it to see me* “I need a follow-up appointment for six months.”

Me: *mental head-desk* “Let me just show you to the front…”

[florida80]

Procedural Power Nap

Hospital, Patients, Salt Lake City, USA, Utah | Healthy | July 2, 2018


I went in for an outpatient procedure to have a uterine ablation. They were getting me ready for the procedure, and had already given me the stuff to make me sleepy. I asked if I could use the bathroom first. I started to get sleepy and asked again to use the bathroom.

“You’re all done. We just finished the surgery.”

It was the weirdest feeling! I literally blinked and it was over!

[florida80]

Will Soon Eat His Words

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, New Mexico, Non-Dialogue, Patients, USA | Healthy | July 1, 2018


One of our patients has a procedure in the morning for which he needs to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours prior. This isn’t uncommon before many procedures, and while it’s not pleasant, it’s doable for most people.

Not so with this patient. As soon as the twelve hours start, he rings his call light every fifteen minutes demanding we bring him something to eat. The first few times, his nurse goes in and explains to him why he can’t eat and what the dangers are, and tells him that if he really needs to eat, we can postpone or cancel the procedure — which is not an emergency, but not entirely unelective. He is adamant that he does not want to postpone or cancel, but he demands that we bring him something to eat.

Obviously, we can’t ignore call lights, and so I fall hours behind in my work going into his room every fifteen minutes to reiterate what he already knows: he can eat now and postpone the procedure, or not eat and have it in the morning. He refuses to accept this and insists we bring him something to eat and that we perform the procedure as scheduled.

Around 3:00 in the morning, the call lights finally stop, and we are all relieved, assuming that he has finally fallen asleep. However, while I am catching up on the work I am behind on, I turn the corner to find the stack of dinner trays waiting to be picked up by the cafeteria, and this patient eating off of a used dinner tray. Without saying anything to the patient, and with a certain amount of satisfaction, I call the nurse and tell her she should let the doctor know that his scheduled morning procedure will have to be cancelled.

[florida80]

Making A Needling Point

Finland, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Patients | Healthy | June 30, 2018


(When I was a teenager, I did drugs to cope with mental illness and a bad situation at home. It resulted in me being addicted to intravenous medicines and drugs. Later, I ended up in rehab and got proper care. This happens a few weeks after I get released from rehab.)

Nurse: “We have to take a blood test so we know you don’t take drugs anymore.”

Me: “Don’t you usually do pee tests?”

Nurse: “We think a blood test will be more effective in your case.”

Me: “I would really prefer that you don’t force me to have my blood drawn.”

Nurse: “We really think it would be more effective in your case.”

Me: “You think forcing an ex-addict to be stabbed with needles is going to be effective to said ex-addict’s recovery?”

(I did the pee test.)

[florida80]

The CDC Will Shut This Place Down For The Worst Juvenile Hypochondria It’s Ever Seen

Brooklyn, Doctor/Physician, Funny Kids, Medical Office, New York, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 29, 2018


(Overheard between a pediatrician and a seven-year-old patient:)

Pediatrician: “Look, [Child], you learned more about [disease] on your own; that’s a good thing! It’s very smart to learn all about your health. And, you found out online that we always tell the CDC when someone has [disease]. I think it’s very good when people learn about how we keep track of disease. But from now on, calling the CDC is my job, not yours.”

[florida80]

Wisdom Teeth Require The Wise To Remove Them

Alabama, Bad Behavior, Dentist, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | June 28, 2018


I go to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out. I have had two shots already and the laughing gas on, no big problem.

He starts trying to pull one tooth out that grew in crooked and I tell him that it is hurting. He gives me another shot, which should deaden it right then. He tells me not to be such a baby. Then, instead of being gentle and rocking it back and forth to loosen it before pulling it, he grabs a pair of pliers and snatches the tooth straight out of the gum!

He starts doing that with my other one on the same side. I bite the fire out of him. He has the nerve to tell my mom that I “need to be more prepared for a dental visit.” Not when one almost snatches your gums out of your mouth!

I go straight from that dentist to one that treated me when I was a child. He is super nice, and he helps straighten out what the other one did to me. He takes one look in my mouth and says, “When

[florida80]

When Patients Need Patience

Bad Behavior, California, Hospital, Jerk, Los Angeles, Nurses, Patients, Time, USA | Healthy | July 8, 2018


(I am in the waiting room of an OBGYN office I’ve never been to before. It is the only one in the area that is in my HMO insurance network. It’s late morning; appointments are not meant to be longer than 20 minutes, so I am planning to attend classes afterwards. When I walk in, I’m told that there is an extremely long wait time, even though we all have timed appointments — and are actually meant to be seen at that time. Though every hospital and office in this entire HMO company has a policy that if a patient checks in more than 15 minutes late they lose their appointment, obviously no equal rules have ever applied to providers being penalized for lateness. I have waited an hour already. Another patient, who is waiting for the same doctor, is sitting next to me with her newborn baby.)

Patient: “Oh, yeah. It’s aaaaalways been this way in this office for as long as I’ve been coming here. They’re aaaaalways extremely behind schedule.”

(This is not reassuring; since she’s got a baby, one can assume she’s been a patient with frequent appointments here for at least nine months.)

Patient: “Yeah, that’s why I’ve always made sure to get the very first appointment super-early in the morning. That’s absolutely the only way to get out of here on time. I just couldn’t manage it today. Oh, but don’t worry; I’ll be super-quick with my appointment, only five minutes. So you all won’t have to wait too much longer!”

(It’s nice of her, but we’re all already extremely late, anyway. I’m pretty appalled that a woman with a newborn is being made to wait around like this for well over an hour; luckily, her baby keeps on sleeping. I also wonder, if this office always runs severely late, why don’t they at least warn patients when we make our appointments? Many patients go up to ask the nurses several times what is going on with the excessive wait time. From overhearing them, it becomes clear that at least half a dozen of them are waiting for the same doctor I am, who appears to be the main cause of waiting-room congestion. The nurses seem extremely practiced at politely fobbing us off while giving non-answers about why this is happening or how much longer it’ll be, as well as pretending to be helpless and confused themselves, while giving off the heavy impression that this is actually all “business as usual.” I’m extremely unhappy; there is no end to the wait in sight, and it’s clear I’ll miss my classes. In other circumstances I’d just leave, but I am there because of suspicion of a uterine tumor and absolutely need to have tests done. Most people resign themselves to waiting, except for one young woman, who checked in 20 minutes after me, and keeps on whining to the nurses over and over. After waiting less than an hour, she starts going towards the exit door in showy slow-motion, while she declares extra loudly to the entire room that she’s leaving since she must get back to her job. I feel extremely skeptical of this, as she is dressed very unprofessionally, even by the standards of the most casual minimum-wage job, and has multiple large, prominent facial piercings.)

Nurse: “Oh, no! No, Ms. [Whiny Patient], don’t leave!”

Whiny Patient: “Oh, I absolutely have to get back to work! There’s no way I can stay here any longer!”

Nurse: “If you wait just a moment, I’ll go right away to ask the doctor if she can accommodate you sooner! Just wait right here!”

(The nurse goes inside the medical office, and comes back within two minutes to call the whiny patient in to be seen by the doctor immediately. I am shocked, as I know this girl was in line behind me, and there’s still at least one other person in front of me, as well. I go up to the nurses again.)

Me: “Excuse me, but I believe that young woman who just went in is seeing the same doctor as me, and several other people here.”

Nurse: “Well, yes, she is in with [Doctor].”

Me: “Did you really just call her in ahead of all of us, including those that were here first?!”

Nurse: “Well, yes. You see, she is in a very great hurry to get back to work. So we just had to see her now. [Doctor] did her a favor and managed to squeeze her in sooner.” *without appearing to realize the actual obvious meaning of that sentence*

Me: “Oh, my God, really?! [Doctor] did her a favor and squeezed her in?! What you’re actually saying is you talked Dr. [Doctor] into seeing her sooner, at all of the rest of our expense, without even consulting us! Neither [Doctor] nor any of you lost anything by doing this! You all just chose to steal several other people’s time for your own convenience of not having to explain the reason behind the patient’s appointment cancellation after she’d already showed up and paid for it! Wow, I wish I’d thought of getting up, whining a lot, and loudly threatening to leave; apparently it would have gotten me seen a lot sooner, too!”

(Even besides me, there were very good odds that some of the other patients also had to get to work — no one was even asked. But we all acted like adults and dealt with it instead of making a loud fuss to skip ahead of others in line. The nurse and doctor just decided that since we didn’t throw up a fuss, it automatically meant our time was worthless compared to [Whiny Patient]’s, and could be taken away from us with no notice. [Whiny Patient]’s appointment was not quick in the least. By the time she left, and then they finished with the other patient ahead of me, I was called in a whopping hour and 42 minutes later than my scheduled appointment time. While [Doctor] seemed likable and competent in person — once I finally got to see her — I couldn’t help questioning both her character and her competency in my head through the entire appointment because of the unprofessional mess with the waiting room. After leaving there, since they’d already ensured I would fully miss all my classes that day, I went straight up a couple of floors in the hospital, to the Member Services department– where they saw me very promptly, even with no appointment — and submitted a complaint face-to-face with a nice, attentive employee who typed up everything I told him. I made sure to tell him every detail, including the 1:40 wait time and the long-time patient who told me that the OBGYN office always operates this way. It’s been several years, and I have never gone back to that office.)

[florida80]

Initially Brilliant

Friends, home, Norway, Patients, Silly | Healthy | July 7, 2018


(A close friend of mine is visiting me for dinner. She has leukemia, but is in remission at this point. It should probably be noted that we share a pretty dark sense of humor, which is how we both cope with her illness.)

Me: “What have you been doing lately?”

Friend: “I had tests at [Only Major Hospital in the area] this week.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks. I was there with mom when she had tests done a few years back, and the wait was horrible. There’s always so many people!”

Friend: “Oh, I got seen pretty quickly.”

Me: “Did you get there early, or was it good timing?”

Friend: “No, I just put [Initials] in the top corner of the admission forms, and they took me right in.”

Me: “What do they mean?”

Friend: “It’s the shorthand code for ‘to be seen immediately.’ My doctors used it all the time. I just put it in myself, now.”

Me: *laughing* “I knew you were wicked! You’re skipping the line in the hospital?”

Friend: *also laughing* “Hey, I have cancer! And also better things to do with my time than wait in line.”

(Unfortunately, her cancer returned, twice, and she lost the battle against it several years ago. But stories like this one still make me laugh when I tell people about her.)

[florida80]

How Dare You Stop To Eat?!

Illinois, Instant Karma, Jerk, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(I go to the pharmacy department of a larger than normal location of a major retailer. It’s about 2:25 pm, and the gates to the pharmacy counter are down with a sign apologizing for being closed for lunch. There are about four people ahead of me in line. Though I am in a hurry, I decide to stay since the sign states that they will reopen in five minutes. Four minutes later, the gates reopen, and the pharmacist is at the counter alone, since her support staff hasn’t returned yet. She greets the first man in line.)

Pharmacist: “Thank you for waiting. How may I help you, sir?”

Man: “I’m here to pick up my prescription, under [Man].”

(The pharmacist verifies personal information with the man.)

Man: *as the pharmacist is ringing up the order* “I had to wait ten minutes for you guys to open! It’s just ridiculous that—”

Pharmacist: *cutting the man off, in a tone that is both mockingly concerned, and professional* “Yes, sir, it is ridiculous that I have to work a ten-hour shift, and am only allowed twenty minutes to sit down and eat in the back of this store. I’m so sorry that you had to wait that short amount of time. Your total is [amount].”

(The man said nothing further, refused to make eye contact with anyone, paid, and left. By then, her staff had returned, and the pharmacist went to the back of the work area, immediately answering the phone. The staff made short work of the rest of the people in line, who all were friendly to the workers. I was out the door before 2:40 pm.)

[florida80]

Got The Baby Blues

Bad Behavior, Emergency Services, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK, Wales | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(A few years ago, my brother worked in a 999 call centre, and he told us about a conversation that went roughly like this.)

Woman: “I was bathing my baby and she turned blue.”

Brother: “Where is your baby now?”

Woman: “Up in the bath.”

Brother: “On her own?”

Woman: “Yes.”

[florida80]

How To Treat Dog-Breath

Canada, Extra Stupid, Ontario, Pharmacy, Strangers, Toronto | Healthy | July 6, 2018


(I am a veterinary technician and sometimes I leave work still wearing scrubs.)

Cashier: “So, you work at the dental office in this plaza, right?”

Me: “Nope, I’m a veterinary technician. I work at the vet clinic over there.” *gesturing*

Other Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “I’m a nurse for animals.”

Other Customer: “Oh. There’s this mouth-wash I’ve been meaning to try. The stuff from [Human Brand]. Can you tell me if it’s any good?”

Me: “Um… I’m a veterinary technician. I nurse animals.”

Other Customer: “It’s all the same. So, can you tell me if the mouthwash is any good?”

[florida80]

Some People Don’t Deserve Dogs

Bad Behavior, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | July 5, 2018


(I recently started working as a veterinarian at a clinic. We have one client who has become infamous for not giving his dog the sedative medications we recommended to help keep him comfortable during his visits. His anxiety at the office is so bad, we requested two different medications be used together, though often neither are given. As a result, whenever we have to do anything with the dog, we require the owner to place a muzzle on him, and our technicians have to wrestle with the dog while he is crying out in fear. We expect the client may get some kind of thrill watching these exchanges. The owner and dog are here for their recheck appointment with me, after choosing to try over the counter medications to try to deal with his dog’s problem. It is only me, the owner, and the dog for the exchange.)

Owner: “I think the skin is doing much better! Before, I couldn’t run my hands down his back, but now I can without a problem.”

Me: “That’s great. Is it true he’s still itching?”

Owner: “Yeah, but the scabs have gone away, except for one like this one on his side.”

(He show me one small scab. When I try to touch it, the dog barks and jerks in fear. The owner smirks a bit.)

Me: “Well, that’s good that the scabs have healed, but we’re still left with what to do about the itching. Our options are—”

Owner: *interrupting* “I know, I know, but look how much better it is! Isn’t the belly so much better?” *picks up terrified dog to show me his abdomen, freaking the dog out further*

Me: “It may be, but I can’t touch your dog to see how the skin is really doing.”

(This seems to really annoy the client.)

Owner: “Yeah, you can! I’ll just hold him really tight!”

Me: “But your dog is terrified, and that is not the type of relationship I want with your dog. That is why we want him to be on those medications when he comes in. That way, he can be more comfortable, and I can reward him with treats when he behaves well.”

Owner: “No, really it’s fine!” *hook his arms around the dog to hold him, further scaring the dog* “Here! Doesn’t the belly look so much better?” *lifts the dog again*

Me: “Yes, the belly looks better from what I can see, but I can’t touch him. I’m not going to foster that kind of relationship with your dog. We have two options. Either I can take him in the back with my techs–” *he had previously behaved better away from his owner* “–or you can come back when your dog has had his medications.”

(At this, the owner stormed out of the room, walked past the receptionist, and headed out the door. I zeroed out the re-exam fee, as I didn’t expect to charge him for a visual exam only, and put in a note about our interaction. I just hope he will start giving his dog the medications, rather than trying to force his dog into fearful situations.)

[florida80]

They Need New Glasses As Well As Their Drugs

Dallas, Ignoring & Inattentive, Patients, Pharmacy, Texas, USA | Healthy | July 5, 2018


(I pull into a drive-thru pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and there’s just one car in front of me. It’s ten full minutes before the car in front of me drives off and I can pull up to the window, but I’m not in a hurry, so I don’t really mind.)

Me: “I’m picking up a prescription for [My Last Name].”

Pharmacist: “Okay, let me just pull that up.”

(She’s gone for a few minutes, and I’m starting to think that this is why the line was slow. Obviously, I think, they must have new people there who don’t know what they’re doing. When she comes back:)

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have any filled prescriptions listed under your name.”

Me: “But I got an email saying my prescription was ready.”

Pharmacist: “I don’t know what to say. We have you in our system from about two years ago, but there’s nothing recent.”

Me: “Can you check again? I got the email, so I know it’s ready.”

(The pharmacist is gone even longer this time, and I’m starting to feel pretty righteously indignant.)

Pharmacist: “No, we don’t have anything ready for you.”

Me: “Look, that just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how I can have an email from Walgreens right here saying that my prescription is ready, but you guys apparently don’t have it.”

Pharmacist: *blank stare* “Ma’am, this is CVS.”

(I felt like such a complete moron that I just drove away in embarrassment. Pharmacist, if you’re out there, I’m really sorry I didn’t apologize!)

[florida80]

The “Collapse” Of The Drug Trade

Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, Jerk, Nurses, USA | Healthy | July 4, 2018


(I am working at a retail chain one night. While helping pick up empty pallets around the store, I pass out for no discernible reason, completely losing consciousness and only waking up briefly at the store to EMTs loading me into an ambulance. Strangely, I remember the rest of the events pretty clearly.)

Me: “No, no ambulance. I don’t want to go to the hospital; I don’t have money.”

EMT: “You have to go.”

Me: *trying to sit up and move away* “No, I’m fine. I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

(I lose consciousness again after that and wake up in the actual hospital room to a nurse taking my vitals.)

Me: *still groggy* “Um… Where am I? What happened?”

Nurse: “You’re in the hospital. What drugs did you take?”

Me: “Huh? I’m not on any medicine.”

Nurse: “No, what drugs did you take?”

Me: “None?”

Nurse: “Come on. You’re not in trouble; just tell me what drugs you’re on.”

Me: “I’m not on any drugs!”

(The nurse just gave me side-eye and left at that point, only to return with a doctor a few minutes later.)

Nurse: “Okay, you need to tell us what drugs you’re on.”

Me: *having recovered enough now to be (mostly) sensible* “I told you: I’m not on any drugs! I’m fine; I’d like to go now.”

Nurse: “You can’t leave until you tell us what drugs you’re on. Just tell us what you took and you can go.”

Me: “I’m. Not. On. Drugs. I don’t even know what happened!”

Doctor: “If you tell us what drugs you’re on, we can help you.”

Me: *out of patience* “I’m not on drugs! Why are you not listening?”

(Fortunately, my friend from work came in and did her best to assure the staff that, no, I was not on drugs. They finally ran some tests and let me leave, but I don’t think they ever believed I wasn’t on something. Seriously, I get you have to ask, but there has to be a limit. Plus, you HAVE my blood

[florida80]

You Can’t Snake Your Way Into Heaven

Bizarre, Patients, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | July 4, 2018


(A very distraught-looking woman rushes into our emergency vet clinic with a garter snake in a shoebox. It would seem that she accidentally ran it over with her car while backing out of the driveway. The snake was horrifically mangled, but is still somehow unfortunately alive. It becomes instantly clear that it’s not going to make it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately I don’t think we can do anything to help this snake. At the very least, we can put him to sleep so at least he doesn’t have to suffer anymore.”

Woman: “I understand.”

(She looks very upset and begins crying.)

Me: “Just think of it this way. He’ll be chasing mice in Snake Heaven.”

Woman: “But snakes don’t go to Heaven! He’ll be partying down in Hell with the Devil!”

(She then walked out of the clinic, still crying, leaving me with the dying snake in the shoebox. I wish I could say that was the weirdest response that I’ve ever received when trying to comfort someone, but it’s not even close.)

[florida80]

Birth Control Out Of Control

Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | July 4, 2018


(I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody, and we have one family practice with three or four doctors on staff. When I am 12, I have to go on an antibiotic for two weeks. The nurse tells me what to prepare for, since it is a new medicine.)

Nurse: “You may feel sleepy. You may cough more. You may have diarrhea.”

Me: “Eww!”

Nurse: “Part of the deal, I’m afraid. Do you have any questions?”

Me: “Nope.”

Mother: “No, we’re good to go.”

Nurse: “All right.” *walks is to the lobby* “I hope you feel bet– Oh! Use condoms.”

Mother: “What?!”

Nurse: “Antibiotics can negate birth control. She’ll need to use another contraceptive.”

Me: *bright red and ready to cry* “But… I don’t… I’m not…”

Mother: “She is not sexually active.”

Nurse: “She’s not on the pill?”

Mother: “No! She’s 12!”

Nurse: “You can never be too careful. [Classmate Of Mine] is due to have her first baby in a few weeks, and she’s 13. [My Name] should really start birth control after these antibiotics.”

Mother: “[My Name], are you having sex?”

Me: *mortified* “NO!”

Nurse: “Children lie.”

Mother: “And that’s what she is: a child. She hasn’t even had her first period yet.”

(While I’m waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me whole, the nurse and my mother go back and forth about my nonexistent sex life until one of the doctors comes out.)

Doctor: “What is going on out here?!”

Nurse: “[My Name] is going on antibiotics, so I told her to use condoms for a while.”

Doctor: “I… I don’t even know where to begin with that. Please forgive us Mrs. [Our Last Name], [My Name]. If you have any further questions, please call me directly.”

(The doctor handed my mother her card and mother pulled me out of the office. When we returned a few weeks later to report back about the antibiotics, we learned that the insistent nurse no longer worked there. Obviously, some children do what they want, when they want. But given that boys were still pretty gross to me, I couldn’t imagine needing birth control at that age.)

[florida80]

Drink This, Then The Pneumonia Won’t Seem So Bad

Bad Behavior, home, Israel, Parents/Guardians, Patients |
Healthy | July 3, 2018

(I am nine years old. I have a pretty weak constitution and frequently fall ill. Every winter, like clockwork, I’ll get pneumonia, among other illnesses. I learn to recognize and become familiar with the sensation of my lungs feeling full of lead, and sharp, stabbing pain overtaking my ribcage on every inhale. I can’t breathe in enough oxygen to get out of bed. My parents choose their own methods of medical treatment for me. I’ve been bed-bound for days with pneumonia; I’ve got a high fever and am struggling to breathe. My parents have been bringing me occasional water and soup, and some seemingly random, unnamed medicines. Mom comes in, sits on the bed, and hands me a cup of medicine.)

Mom: “You need to drink this.”

(I take a sip. It’s horrifically bitter. I gag, cough, and hand it back.)

Me: “I… can’t… It’s… bitter… and gross!”

Mom: “You have to drink it, anyway; it’s medicine! You need to drink your medicine!”

Me: *panting* “I… can’t! There’s… no… way… I can… drink… that! It’s… undrinkable! It… tastes… like… poison!”

Mom: “Well, if you want to whine about it, fine.” *offhandedly* “Just know that since you’re severely ill, this is the only medicine that will save your life! If you won’t drink it, you’re going to die!“

Me: “…” *shock*

Mom: *matter-of-factly* “Yes, you are! You are so horrifically sick that you’ll die if you don’t drink all of this! Probably very quickly! Tonight, in fact! But I guess you don’t want it, so I’m just going to take this away now! I’m leaving with the medicine now, since you’re choosing to die!”

(She pauses.)

Mom: “Now. Are you suuuuuure you don’t want it?!” *wiggles the cup in front of me*

Me: *horrified fear*

(Of course, I reluctantly took the medicine back and choked it down miserably, while gagging and struggling not to throw up or expel my lungs. They continued “treating” me this way for years for every serious illness. Looking back, I think it’s likely it was some “medicinal” Russian tea, or maybe some over-the-counter unflavored children’s fever reducer like acetaminophen or Aspirin, and I really wouldn’t be surprised if they chose an unflavored version to save money. Some of the other “folk remedies” my parents inflicted on me to “treat” pneumonia were much more disturbing and gross. For some reason, they seemed to just treat these illnesses like regular colds. They never once took me to a doctor or hospital, no matter how bad it got or how high my fever, despite living in a country with free social healthcare, and otherwise regularly taking me to a doctor for check-ups and vaccines.)

[florida80]

Walk For A Mile… Away From Them

Amsterdam, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, The Netherlands | Healthy | July 3, 2018


(I am having a conversation with a rheumatologist.)

Rheumatologist: “One thing that you probably don’t want to hear is that it would help with some of your symptoms if you were to lose some weight.”

Me: “Yes, I agree. If you look here–” *I tap the relevant paragraph in the paperwork in front of her* “–I have detailed the years I have been struggling to lose weight and the steps I have taken, and have asked if you have any suggestions on how to try to tackle this issue.”

Rheumatologist: “It’s just that your back pain and foot pain will probably be lessened by weight loss.”

Me: “Yes, that’s one of the reasons I have been trying for so many years to lose weight.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, I would suggest you try going to a certified dietician.”

Me: “Here you can see the three I have visited, one of them a year ago, one three years before that, and one three or four years before that. I followed all of their advice to the letter and I did not lose weight.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, it’s still something you might want to try.”

Me: “Well, it isn’t covered completely by my insurance, and I am very poor, so I don’t think I’ll be able to go a fourth time right now.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand. But it might be worth a try, anyway.”

Me: “Well, I will go a fourth time when I can afford it.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, you’ve been before?”

Me: “Yes. Three. Times.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, maybe you should try going to one via the doctor so that you know you are going to a properly-certified one.”

Me: “I will do this a fourth time when I have the money.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, you’ve gone to one the doctor sent you to already?”

Me: “Yes. Three. Times.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, all right. Well, what else have you tried?”

Me: “As you see here—” *tapping paperwork again* “—I have, over the past ten years, done the following: two years of sticking religiously to less than 1500 calories per day while also walking briskly for two hours each day, three attempts with professional dieticians via the doctor, the keto diet for eight months which I just stopped, three years of fasting for three days every couple of months, an intensified exercise program designed by a physiotherapist, and periodic further attempts such as ten months only drinking slim-fast for breakfast and lunch and then eating a minimal dinner. At the moment, I walk a lot and now that my sprained ankle will, after 11 months, finally allow it, I am starting my home fitness routine again, with a cross-trainer and resistance training as far as my back and other joint ills will allow.”

Rheumatologist: “You know what doesn’t cost money? Exercise!”

Me: “Yes… As I said — and wrote — I walk a lot and am working on starting my routine again. At the moment, I walk a minimum of one hour a day just in the normal way of things and I try to do more. I walk pretty fast.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand, but really, it’s not that hard to get started. Maybe just try with 20 minutes every other day and see how that treats you, then build up from there.”

Me: “I. Already. Walk. More. Than. One. Hour. Every. Day.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand. Well, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like you need to scrap all the fad diet kicks and just eat fewer calories.”

Me: “Yes, I just stopped the keto diet and I will now again do the calorie-counting, while walking more than an hour a day, but as I said, I have already tried reducing the calories and I haven’t had any luck so far. But yes, obviously I will be doing that; otherwise I would gain weight and I really don’t want to do that!“

Rheumatologist: “Well, I understand why you wouldn’t want to do it; if you eat fewer calories, you will have to suffer feelings of hunger sometimes. I understand that this is difficult, so you might not want to do it, but it really is important that you try.”

Me: “Um… Here–” *tapping paperwork again* “–is where it says that I fasted for three days every couple of months for three years. I am not afraid of feelings of hunger.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, okay… I just think it would be good for you to give it a shot. Maybe start with 20 minutes of light walking every day, and see if you can reduce your calories a bit at a time. Maybe cut out desserts a couple of times a week; start from there. Anyway, obviously it won’t cure your fibromyalgia or anything, but if you could lose some weight it would help with the daily toll on your skeletal system, and with the amount of wear-and-tear you’re dealing with that would only be a good thing. Do you have any questions?”

Me: *giving up* “Nope. I’ll do my best.”

[florida80]

Tells Dad Jokes Religiously

Connecticut, Hospital, Parents/Guardians, Patients, Religion, Silly, USA | Healthy | July 2, 2018


(My dad is chronically unserious, even when he really ought not to be. He and my mother are in the intake of an ER, as he’s managed to injure himself somehow, and a nurse is doing the standard intake questions.)

Nurse: “Religion?”

Dad: “Orthodox Agnostic!”

(The nurse starts to write it down, then pauses and just looks confused.)

Mom: *exasperatedly* “None.”

[florida80]

Needs A Follow-Up Follow-Up Sign

California, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Patients, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | July 2, 2018


(I work in the back office of a large multi-specialty practice. Patients routinely come out of the rooms after their appointments and need to make follow-up appointments, which they are supposed to do with the schedulers at the front desk where they checked in; the doctors tell them so. However, they usually make a beeline for where I sit at the nurses’ station and request that I schedule their follow-up. After a few months of directing patients to the front desk, I made a bold-face, full-page sign that sits upright on the counter between my desk and the patients saying, “Follow-up appointments can be made at the Front Desk,” with a bright orange arrow directing to the front. However, this still happens several times a week:)

Patient: *standing directly in front of the sign and craning their neck around it to see me* “I need a follow-up appointment for six months.”

Me: *mental head-desk* “Let me just show you to the front

[florida80]

Procedural Power Nap

Hospital, Patients, Salt Lake City, USA, Utah | Healthy | July 2, 2018


I went in for an outpatient procedure to have a uterine ablation. They were getting me ready for the procedure, and had already given me the stuff to make me sleepy. I asked if I could use the bathroom first. I started to get sleepy and asked again to use the bathroom.

“You’re all done. We just finished the surgery.”

It was the weirdest feeling! I literally blinked and it was over!

[florida80]

Will Soon Eat His Words

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, New Mexico, Non-Dialogue, Patients, USA | Healthy | July 1, 2018


One of our patients has a procedure in the morning for which he needs to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours prior. This isn’t uncommon before many procedures, and while it’s not pleasant, it’s doable for most people.

Not so with this patient. As soon as the twelve hours start, he rings his call light every fifteen minutes demanding we bring him something to eat. The first few times, his nurse goes in and explains to him why he can’t eat and what the dangers are, and tells him that if he really needs to eat, we can postpone or cancel the procedure — which is not an emergency, but not entirely unelective. He is adamant that he does not want to postpone or cancel, but he demands that we bring him something to eat.

Obviously, we can’t ignore call lights, and so I fall hours behind in my work going into his room every fifteen minutes to reiterate what he already knows: he can eat now and postpone the procedure, or not eat and have it in the morning. He refuses to accept this and insists we bring him something to eat and that we perform the procedure as scheduled.

Around 3:00 in the morning, the call lights finally stop, and we are all relieved, assuming that he has finally fallen asleep. However, while I am catching up on the work I am behind on, I turn the corner to find the stack of dinner trays waiting to be picked up by the cafeteria, and this patient eating off of a used dinner tray. Without saying anything to the patient, and with a certain amount of satisfaction, I call the nurse and tell her she should let the doctor know that his scheduled morning procedure will have to be cancelled.

[florida80]

Making A Needling Point

Finland, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Patients | Healthy | June 30, 2018


(When I was a teenager, I did drugs to cope with mental illness and a bad situation at home. It resulted in me being addicted to intravenous medicines and drugs. Later, I ended up in rehab and got proper care. This happens a few weeks after I get released from rehab.)

Nurse: “We have to take a blood test so we know you don’t take drugs anymore.”

Me: “Don’t you usually do pee tests?”

Nurse: “We think a blood test will be more effective in your case.”

Me: “I would really prefer that you don’t force me to have my blood drawn.”

Nurse: “We really think it would be more effective in your case.”

Me: “You think forcing an ex-addict to be stabbed with needles is going to be effective to said ex-addict’s recovery?”

(I did the pee test.)

[florida80]

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The CDC Will Shut This Place Down For The Worst Juvenile Hypochondria It’s Ever Seen

Brooklyn, Doctor/Physician, Funny Kids, Medical Office, New York, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 29, 2018


(Overheard between a pediatrician and a seven-year-old patient:)

Pediatrician: “Look, [Child], you learned more about [disease] on your own; that’s a good thing! It’s very smart to learn all about your health. And, you found out online that we always tell the CDC when someone has [disease]. I think it’s very good when people learn about how we keep track of disease. But from now on, calling the CDC is my job, not yours.”

[florida80]

Wisdom Teeth Require The Wise To Remove Them

Alabama, Bad Behavior, Dentist, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | June 28, 2018


I go to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out. I have had two shots already and the laughing gas on, no big problem.

He starts trying to pull one tooth out that grew in crooked and I tell him that it is hurting. He gives me another shot, which should deaden it right then. He tells me not to be such a baby. Then, instead of being gentle and rocking it back and forth to loosen it before pulling it, he grabs a pair of pliers and snatches the tooth straight out of the gum!

He starts doing that with my other one on the same side. I bite the fire out of him. He has the nerve to tell my mom that I “need to be more prepared for a dental visit.” Not when one almost snatches your gums out of your mouth!

I go straight from that dentist to one that treated me when I was a child. He is super nice, and he helps straighten out what the other one did to me. He takes one look in my mouth and says, “When was the last time you went to a dentist?” I reply, “I just came from one.”

[florida80]

You’re Boxing Me In Here

Australia, Extra Stupid, Hobart, Patients, Pharmacy, Tasmania | Healthy | June 27, 2018


(At my pharmacy, we commonly take orders by phone so that a customer’s medications can be ready to collect when they arrive. This phone order, however, is a little different.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [Pharmacy]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to order some medications, please.”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Customer: “I can’t remember what they’re called, sorry.”

Me: “That’s okay. We can figure it out. Do you remember what they’re for?”

Customer: “No, sorry. But they come in a box…”

[florida80]

Not The Kind Of “Fall Into My Arms” Story We’re Used To

Australia, Golden Years, Grocery Store, Health & Body, Kind Strangers, New South Wales | Healthy | June 26, 2018


(I’m standing behind a woman in line at the checkout who has put her groceries on the belt and has picked up her tiny baby out of the seat, as the baby started fussing. The customer in front of her is a sweet, older man who is having trouble getting his card to work. The woman is swaying side to side, something I don’t think much of because I did the same to calm down my kids when they were small. The older man turns to apologise for the wait, and gets a funny look on his face.)

Older Guy: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

(The woman spins around to face me and I see her face is slightly purple and her eyes are completely unfocused and darting around. Before I can react to try to catch her, she shoves the baby in my direction. I drop my items and catch the baby just in time, and the old man tries to catch the woman as she drops and starts twitching. They both end up on the floor, though he does break her fall. The cashier calls for help and there’s a flurry of activity, with managers calling for an ambulance and helping the woman. The old man scrambles back to his feet, and he and I step aside — me still holding the baby — while the ambulance officers show up and diagnose her with a seizure and start loading her into an ambulance. They take the baby with them — she has regained consciousness at this point and screams for her baby, thinking she had dropped them when she fell. In all the activity, the older man stays at the end of the checkout, waiting to finish paying for his groceries and leave. I look down and see he is holding his arm strangely.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Older Guy: “Ah, landed on my arm a bit funny.”

(Upon closer inspection, his arm is clearly broken quite badly near his wrist.)

Cashier: “Oh, no! Why didn’t you tell the ambulance guys? They would have taken you, too!”

Older Guy: “Oh, no, they were busy with the young lass. I’ve had my time; youngins are the future! I’ll get it looked at later.”

(We did eventually convince him to let me drive him to the hospital, with a promise of dropping his groceries off at home to his wife. She was beside herself and let me drive her back to her husband’s car so they wouldn’t have to worry about it later. Given the amount of stories on here about old people being cranky and mean, I was touched to find one who was willing to sit quietly through immense pain just so someone else would receive medical attention.)

[florida80]

The Whole Nine Family

Family & Kids, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 25, 2018


(I’m 38 and pregnant for the first time. My OB has a bit of a specialty in older pregnancies, so I’m not surprised to see a woman looking older than me in the waiting room.)

Me: “This is my first. We weren’t really planning anything; you know, whatever happens, happens.”

Woman: “Pregnancy six, baby number nine. Christ, what I would give for a girl this time.”

Me: “Nine? All the rest are boys? Wow.”

Woman: “Yep. In my defense, pregnancies three and four were multiples, and pregnancy five was surprise; the vasectomy didn’t take.”

Me: *afraid to ask now* “And this one?”

Woman: “My husband and I put a hit out on the urologist. The boys are pretty evenly split between this kid being the messiah and their dad being Wolverine.”

Me: “Was it a shock for them?”

Woman: “When we Skyped our oldest, he laughed so hard he fell off the chair and concussed himself. We had to explain to his gunny why he was giggling while bleeding profusely from the head.” *she sighs* “I’m too old for this crap.”

(She was called back then. Lady, I wish you all the luck.)

[florida80]

A Totally Crap Present

Canada, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, Patients, Revolting, Silly | Healthy | June 24, 2018


I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.

I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.

[florida80]

From No Breathing To Heavy Breathing

Australia, Hospital, Patients, Rude & Risque, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Healthy | June 23, 2018


(I’ve been having trouble getting solid sleep lately, and my partner informs me that I’ve suddenly stopped breathing in my sleep a few times. My doctor refers me to a local hospital for a sleep study. My partner comes with me, since he’ll be helping me set up the equipment for my at-home study. The technician walks us through the process, and packs everything up for us to take home.)

Tech: “Now make sure you start hooking this all up a half hour before midnight, okay? You don’t have to be asleep when it switches on, but you should be in bed and settling down for the night. It’s all automated and will beep when it comes on, and switches off again at nine-thirty. Any questions?”

Me: “No, I think I’m—”

Partner: “Yes! I have one.”

Tech: “Yep?”

Partner: “We can still have sex once she’s all hooked up, right? I’ve always had a thing for Borgs.”

(One look at his face, and the tech can tell he’s not serious. I’ve been pretty anxious about the not-breathing thing, and he’s been trying to make jokes all day to cheer me up.)

Tech: “Now, I know you’re joking, but please don’t actually do that. You can damage the leads or accidentally switch the recording device off. We’ve had it happen.”

Partner: *surprised* “You’re kidding!”

Tech: “No. We even had one man book an in-hospital test, and his wife showed up with him. She apparently thought it was like a hotel, and that he was just after a night away from the kids.”

Me: “Wow.”

Tech: “She wasn’t thrilled when we told her she had to leave.”

Partner: “Well, would you be? I mean, there goes your romantic evening in these luxurious surroundings…” *he waves around the very basic hospital room we’re sitting in*

[florida80]

Use Your Emergency Words

Hospital, Language & Words, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 22, 2018


(I’m putting a splint on a patient who broke his thumb working on heavy machinery. I’m trying to keep him talking to help with the pain.)

Me: “So, how did you get into this kind of work?”

Patient: “F*** if I know… Oh, sorry!”

Me: “I don’t mind; this is a f****** ER.”

Patient: *laughs*

[florida80]

This Rule Is A Lie (Down)

California, Extra Stupid, Hospital, Los Angeles, Security, USA | Healthy | June 22, 2018


(I’ve ended up in the ER waiting room with an excruciating spinal headache, due to a myelogram test I underwent four days earlier. This means I can’t have any part of my spine bent for more than a minute or so without the headache coming on and making me severely sick. I’ve been becoming severely sick the entire four days anytime I’ve so much as gone to the toilet, so I’ve been forced to be bedridden the entire time. The waiting room has nowhere to lie down, not even two chairs near each other without a non-removable armrest between them. I also know that if I stand in place straight up for more than a few minutes my blood pressure will drop and I’ll lose consciousness. For lack of any other solution, I’ve crawled to lie down on the floor in a semi-clean corner, with my head under one of the unused seats, to hide from the bright ceiling lights and be as much out of the way as possible. I’ve been waiting this way for over an hour. I carefully get up to ask the check-in nurse how much longer it’ll be. She can’t tell me; she can only say that I’ll have to wait some more. I go back to my place on the floor. In less than a minute, a security guard comes up.)

Guard: “Miss, you can’t lie on the floor here.”

Me: “What? I need to be lying down. If I don’t, I’ll become badly sick.”

Guard: “Well, but surely you can sit down, miss; there are seats here. You just can’t be lying down.”

Me: *bewildered at having to explain such obvious things in an ER waiting room, and after already having lain there for an hour without being bothered or bothering anyone* “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit anywhere. The reason I’ve come to the ER is that I have a specific condition where I become severely sick when I’m sitting. There’s no way I can physically be in that position right now. I have to be lying down so I don’t become ill.”

Guard: “Oh, well… But miss, there’s a rule that says you aren’t allowed to lie on the floor in this room. So couldn’t you please just go over right there and sit in one of these nice empty seats, anyway? There’s a rule, you see.” *looks at me expectantly like he’s making a perfectly reasonable suggestion.*

Me: “…”

(I checked later: there were no signs anywhere in the room stating such a rule.)

[florida80]

Attempts To Cut The Line Are Painful

Canada, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, Jerk, Patients, Physical | Healthy | June 22, 2018


(I go to a small chiropractic office with no receptionist. As you come in, you ask the others waiting who is last in line, and then you know where your place is in line. The doctor brings the previous person out, and the next person in line goes in. Works excellent, usually. One day, I have been waiting through three or four previous patients and I am the only one left waiting. A guy comes in, looks around and sees me, a middle-aged woman, standing there.)

Guy: “I’m sure you won’t mind if I go ahead of you. I’m in a lot of pain.”

Me: “Actually, I’m in quite a bit of pain, too.”

(The guy gives me a dirty look and sits down. The doctor emerges and the guy jumps up to be next. The doctor swivels sideways to block the guy’s entrance to the office.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name], you’ve been waiting so patiently even though you’re in too much pain to sit down. I’m sorry to have been so long.”

(Apparently the guy tried this whenever there was a woman in front of him. Love my chiropractor.)

[florida80]

Because There Is No One Else Sick Today Except You

Bad Behavior, Medical Center, Patients, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | June 21, 2018


(This takes place in a busy OB/GYN clinic. I’m a provider, one of four who are scheduled to see five or six patients per hour. We run all day to stay on schedule. A notoriously needy patient calls the front desk staff.)

Patient: “I have my appointment card and it says three, but I’m pretty sure my appointment was for one… Can you check?”

Clerk: “Looking in the computer, you’re scheduled for three, so we’ll see you then!”

(The patient over the years has scammed the private phone number for the patient care area, and calls.)

Patient: “I have an appointment for three, but I’m really sure I am supposed to come at one… You can see me, right?”

Nurse: “No, we are booked solid. We’ll see you at three!”

(Of course, the patient arrives at one. The desk clerk tells her we will see her at three. She sits in the waiting room and complains to everyone around her. Since we share a waiting area with a large family practice clinic and a couple of specialties, this gives her lots of opportunities. The poor desk clerk begs us to get her in early; initially we refuse, but after an hour, I have a teeny break in my schedule, so I relent. She smirks as the nurse brings her to the exam room. I do her routine visit. On the way out:)

Patient: “Oh, [My Name], I knew I could count on you; you’re always so nice to me.”

Me: “Well, [Patient], it turned out I had one opening in my schedule. The person scheduled for this time didn’t come, because she lost her baby.”

Patient: “Oh, [My Name!] Why did you tell me that?! Now I feel bad!“

(Can’t have that, can we?)

[florida80]

A Sixth Sense That It’s The Sixth Month

Australia, Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Melbourne, Reception, Victoria | Healthy | June 21, 2018


(I have a bad cold and need a medical certificate for work. I go to the walk-in clinic in my area, and the receptionist asks for my public health care card. I pass it to her.)

Receptionist: “Do you have a current one?”

Me: “Isn’t that current?”

Receptionist: “It’s expired; I can’t accept it.”

Me: “What? I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

Receptionist: *she flips it around to show me, and taps on the expiry date*

Me: “Um, that’s not expired.”

Receptionist: *she taps it again*

Me: “That says 07-18.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “It’s June.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “June is the sixth month.”

Receptionist: “Wait.” *she checks something on her computer* “SO IT IS! Okay, the wait is currently half an hour; take a seat and we will call you when you’re up!”

Me: “Thanks.”

Receptionist: “And keep an eye out in the mail for your new card!”

Me: “I will!”

[florida80]

America: The Land Of The Freely Medicated

Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Silly, USA | Healthy | June 21, 2018


(I consider myself very lucky that I have always been healthy. I was never sick often as a kid, and have no chronic ailments as an adult. Call me crazy, but I generally assumed that was the case for most people unless they had a serious accident, or developed a condition, etc. That is, until recently, when I check into the hospital for a minor procedure. Nothing is wrong; this is a procedure having to do with fertility. My mom goes with me the morning of my appointment and is sitting by my bed while I fill out the final pre-surgery forms and get set up with the IV, etc. Over the course of the next half-hour, I have only slightly different versions of the same conversation with every nurse and doctor who comes to check on me:)

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *checks my chart* “I see here your only medication is birth control?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “No allergies? No other medications?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Hmm… Okay.” *leaves*

(Mom and I give each other a look, but don’t think anything else of it. Then the next conversations happen:)

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Are you sure you don’t take any other medications?”

Nurse #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : “Are you sure you don’t have allergies?”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Wow! No other meds?”

Nurse #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : “I can’t believe you’re not taking anything else!”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Birth control is the only thing you take?”

Me: *turning to my mom after the last doctor leaves* “Are they being really, really thorough, or do we just live in a very unhealthy area?”

Mom: “When I had surgery last year only two people asked me about the medicines I take. It seems strange to me, too, and you’re so young! What do they expect you to be taking?”

(The procedure goes fine, and soon I’m waking up from the anesthesia.)

Mom: “Hi, honey.”

Nurse #5 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=5) : “Hi there, [My Name]! You did great!” *checks my chart* “Are you really only taking birth control, and nothing else?”

Me: *slurred and groggy* “Seriously?! How unhealthy did you expect me to be?!”

[florida80]

Surely Those Kinds Of Sports Are More Downstairs?

Cafe, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, UK, Wales | Healthy | June 20, 2018


(A few months ago I had a stupid sport accident resulting in a hurt knee. To fight this, I wear a knee support. It’s a brand professional athletes use; it’s bright blue and covers my leg from mid-calf to mid-thigh. A regular about the same age as my grandfather comes into the café where I work and sees my leg.)

Regular: “What happened to you?”

Me: “Sport trauma.” *it’s the fastest and least descriptive way to say it*

Regular: “Oh, too much upstairs sports, is that right?”

[florida80]

Signing Your Health Away

Bad Behavior, Hospital, Silly, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | June 20, 2018


(My uncle just had surgery and is telling me about it.)

Uncle: “They told me, because the painkillers mess with your head, to wait 24 hours before making any important decisions or signing any legal documents.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable.”

Uncle: “Then they said, ‘Sign here.'”

(I guess THEIR legal documents don’t count.)

[florida80]

An Underreaction To An Overreaction

Bad Behavior, home, Israel, Non-Dialogue, Parents/Guardians, Patients | Healthy | June 20, 2018


When I was in elementary school, my parents had an obsessive conviction that I must never be allowed to stay home alone during summer vacation, even though they were perfectly fine with letting me stay home alone on a regular basis during the school year.

They always signed me up for every single multi-week summer “camp” available, the ones where kids go or are bused somewhere in the morning and return in the afternoon, like with school.

This happens when I’m about 11. My parents both work, so they’ve signed me up for a camp where kids spend the whole day in a water-park, mostly under the sun non-stop, wearing only swimsuits.

One night before bedtime, Mom plugs some kind of new bug-repelling device she’s just bought into an electric outlet in my bedroom.

When I wake up, I’m covered head to toe in large, swollen, red, and extremely itchy hives. They are absolutely everywhere. I look like a horror movie monster and can’t stop scratching.

Mom examines me, and declares that it must be “just” an allergic response to the bug repellent, and that it is “not a big deal.” I must still go to camp as usual. She doesn’t even try to put any kind of lotion on me or do anything.

I protest having to go anywhere in this condition, as I feel terrible and look frightening.

Mom insists, and derides me for being a baby and whining. She repeats that it’s clearly not a big deal.

It’s clear to me that she just wants to go to work as usual, doesn’t want to be bothered today with taking an ill child to a doctor, and still refuses to let me stay home on my own despite me being too sick to go out. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

Being at the water-park is awful. The chemicals in all the pools and being in the hot sun all irritate and inflame the hives further. As nearly my entire body is exposed in the swimsuit, all the other children look at me with contempt and disgust. Pointing and whispering quickly begins, and I become the target of relentless teasing.

There are very few adults around, and none of them notice or care about anyone being unwell unless they’re clearly dying; most of them are either lifeguards at the pools or people handing out our lunches and snacks, so anything outside that just isn’t their problem.

I spend the entire day absolutely unable to stop scratching everywhere and utterly miserable, while worrying that I have some awful disease — I’ve never had allergic reactions before in my life.

When I finally get home, my mom seems terribly surprised that the hives haven’t gotten any better and that I feel awful.

After some lengthy discussion, it’s decided they’ll actually let me see a doctor. Tomorrow. And Dad will be the one to take off work to take me.

The next day by midday the hives have finally began to partially reduce in size… as I haven’t been sent to a freaking water park today. The doctor I’m taken to says that it is in fact clearly an allergic reaction; most likely to that bug repellent device. And that I clearly should be kept in cool and dry conditions until it goes away: no more sun, chemicals, and dampness. And no more chemical bug repellents in my room.

My parents very begrudgingly allow me to stay home for a day or two after that. I can only remain grateful that this is the only time in my childhood I have had any kind of allergic reaction; otherwise, there’s even odds I’d be dead now.

Thanks so much, Mom, for your entire handling of this situation; your caring and consideration of my health will always stay in my heart.

Please don’t do this to your children.

[florida80]

A Hole Lot Of Guessing

Food & Drink, Health & Body, home, Parents/Guardians, Slovenia | Healthy | June 19, 2018


(I am a type-one diabetic and have been for 18 years. I am using an insulin pump, and to give myself correct amount of insulin, I have to calculate the amount of carbohydrates I have eaten. Note that carbohydrates represent a half of the weight of a piece of bread. This happens when I come home from school with hypoglycaemia when I’m 11.)

Dad: “What have you eaten today? Did you give yourself the right amount of insulin?”

Me: “Well, I ate a piece of bread and gave myself insulin for a third of its weight.”

Dad: “Why?!”

Me: “It had large holes!”

[florida80]

Trying In Vein

Medical Office, Nurses, Patients, Silly, USA, Utah | Healthy | June 19, 2018


(My mom has notoriously small veins, which I have inherited. This happens while I’m getting my blood drawn. My dad is there with me.)

Nurse: *seems to be having trouble finding a vein, tries looking in many different places* “Okay, I think we’re going to end up taking from your hand rather than your arm, because that might be the only place that it will work.”

Dad: “[My Name], do you have really small veins like Mom?”

Nurse: “No, she doesn’t have any veins at all!”

[florida80]

Thanks For Injuring Yourself; Come Back Soon!

Family & Kids, home, Michigan, Patients, Siblings, Silly, USA | Healthy | June 19, 2018


(My family has always been accident-prone, especially my brother and me. When he gets married and they start having a family, I decide to warn my sister-in-law.)

Me: “Are you sure you want to do this? Just so you know, my brother has the Mother’s Curse. ‘May you have children like yourself so you know what it’s like.’”

Sister-In-Law: “Oh, it’s worse than that. I have the Mother’s Curse, too. So it’s doubled!

(Fast forward several years and four kids later. At a family gathering, my sister-in-law explains all of the times in the last year that her children have been in Urgent Care from accidental injuries.)

Sister: *referring to my experience after an injury that required repeated medical interventions* “Well, as long as the ER nurses don’t know you by name, I think you’re doing just fine.”

Sister-In-Law: “Well, they don’t know us by name, but they sort of recognize us now.”

(On a later date, my brother is joking with our father:)

Brother: “Last time we took a kid in, I told the intake nurse, ‘[Family Name], party of six. We have a reservation?’”

(And recently, after a particularly eventful month:)

Brother: “We have our own examination room!”

[florida80]

The Jaws Of Defeat

Canada, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Ontario | Healthy | June 18, 2018


(I just had jaw surgery, so I am in the hospital for a few days with a swollen face, and my jaw is wired shut. I really can’t speak. I wake up in the middle of the night. My sister is sleeping in the guest chair, but I can feel the pain easing in on my face, so I decide to hail the nurse using a button on the side of the bed. Instead of the nurse coming to see what I need, she proceeds to use the speaker attachment. You can probably see where this is going.)

Nurse: “Hello, honey, what do you need?”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “What do you need?”

Me: *internal screaming*

(They did eventually come.)

[florida80]

This Patient Is Not A Breath Of Fresh Air

Bizarre, California, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 18, 2018


(I work at a large, multi-specialty medical office. Access to the back office is restricted, so patients are guided to their rooms by me or by another nurse after they check in. After their appointment, there are signs showing the patients the way out, but unsurprisingly, many ignore them and get lost. My coworker finds a woman wandering the halls.)

Coworker: “Were you looking for the exit? Let me show you the way.”

Woman: “No, I… I’m here to see the pulmonologist.”

(It turns out the woman had never actually checked in, and had just followed another patient into the back office when they were called back! My coworkers and I wondered if she thought she was just going to stumble upon the pulmonologist waiting for her in one of the rooms!)

[florida80]

Hopefully That’s The Exception And Not The Rule

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Patients, Pennsylvania, Revolting, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | June 18, 2018


(I work the night shift in an ER as a doctor.)

Me: “You say you have something stuck up your rectum?”

Patient: “Yep. It’s a flexible rubber ruler.”

Me: “How did it get there?”

Patient: “I intentionally put it there.”

(I’m little surprised, because usually in cases like this they try to make it seem like it happened by accident when it very obviously didn’t.)

Me: “Why did you put it there?”

Patient: “I wanted to see how far it goes. Apparently, it’s deeper than a foot.”

Me: “Okay… Well, we’ll see about having that removed.”

Patient: “Can I have it back when it’s out? My son needs it for school.”

(I feel really bad for that guy’s son.)

[florida80]

Third-Degree Burns, First-Degree Idiot

Extra Stupid, Florida, Health & Body, Hotel, USA | Healthy | June 17, 2018


(I’m working the evening shift at a hotel with the owner one evening when a young couple, who checked in earlier, approaches the desk.)

Young Man: “Would it be possible to get a slice of cheesecake and some matches for a candle? We’re celebrating her birthday today.”

Me: “Sure thing, and happy birthday to you.”

(I prepare the cheesecake and grab some matches, and they then go to their room. About five minutes later, they come back with his arm wrapped in a shirt.)

Young Woman: “We need directions to the nearest hospital. He has burned his arm. There is also a little bit of smoke in the room, currently.”

(The owner gives them directions to the local hospital and sends me up to check on everything. When I get to the floor, I see some smoke in the hallway. Then, I open the door to find the room is barely visible due to there being so much smoke in the room. I go get the owner as the fire alarm starts to go off. Everyone evacuates the building and the fire department shows up as we are trying to clear all the smoke out.)

Me: “All this from one candle? What did they do, drop the cake?”

Owner: “Actually, it turns out the ‘candles’ they were using were actually sparklers. Not a good idea in a small room.”

(We found out later he had to be taken to a burn hospital and treated for third-degree burns.)

[florida80]

Might Have To Come Back Anyway For Stress

Delivery, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, USA | Healthy | June 16, 2018


(I work at the main information desk of a hospital. A fast-food delivery man comes inside with a bag of food.)

Delivery Man: “Is this the front desk?”

Me: “Yes, it is!”

Delivery Man: “Great. I’ve got an order for [Customer]. Their instructions said to meet them at the front desk, and they just got a text saying I’m here. I’m going to wait for them to come down, okay?”

Me: “That’s fine.”

(Several minutes go by. No one comes down. The delivery man begins to get irritated.)

Delivery Man: “You’re sure this is the front desk?”

Me: “Yes, sir. There are other desks in [departments], but this is the main, front information desk.”

Delivery Man: “Well, why isn’t [Customer] here?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know. Do you know if they’re a patient or a visitor?”

(The delivery man is now on his phone and not paying attention to me.)

Delivery Man: “I just don’t understand! My instructions say to meet [Name] at the front desk of [Brand] Inn!”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say the [Brand] Inn?”

Delivery Man: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s a hotel.”

Delivery Man: “Yeah.”

Me: “This is a hospital.”

(He looks around, apparently noticing the “TO EMERGENCY ROOM” sign, the pharmacy, and the several rows of wheelchairs around my desk for the very first time.)

Delivery Man: “CRAP!”

(He runs out of the lobby, leaving the drinks from the meal behind. He returns about five minutes later, grabs them, and runs out without saying anything. About two hours later, he returns with another order.)

Delivery Man: *sheepishly* “I’m in the right place this time. I checked.”

Me: “That’s good!”

Delivery Man: “Is [Man] here?”

(I look around. There are no men in the lobby.)

Me: “Sorry, I guess not.”

Delivery Man: “What?! My instructions say [Man] is waiting in the Women and Infants Services lobby! He’s supposed to already be here!”

Me: “Well… The Women and Infants Services lobby is down that hallway to the right, actually. This is the front lobby—”

Delivery Man: “So I’m in the wrong spot again?”

Me: “Well, the wrong department—”

Delivery Man: “G**d*** it! I thought this job would be easy!”

(He stormed out of the lobby and stomped off to the correct department. At least this time he remembered his drinks!)

[florida80]

Don’t Even Start With Me

Extra Stupid, Laboratory, Switzerland, Tech Support | Healthy | June 15, 2018


(I work in IT for a medical laboratory, and part of my job is to troubleshoot connections between medical devices and our software. The medical devices themselves are not ours to manage, however. I get this call one morning:)

Lab Tech: “Hi, my machine is not working. Could you help me, please?”

Me: “Sure! What device, and what seems to be wrong?”

Lab Tech: “It’s [Device], and I don’t know; it’s just doing nothing.”

Me: “Okay, let me check.”

(I see nothing wrong with my monitoring. However, our connectors have a tendency to need regular reboots, as they’re quite old and tend to give us trouble, so I’m expecting it to be something wrong with our equipment.)

Me: “Can you please reboot the connector? The one behind your machine.”

Lab Tech: “Sure, give me a sec.”

(My monitoring starts showing its usual shutdown and boot-up messages.)

Me: “Okay, looks good. Can you try the device again?”

Lab Tech: “Nope, still nothing.”

(I try every trick in the book to get the device to work, including having her reboot the medical device itself, which is kind of a last solution, since they’re not ours to troubleshoot. Nothing ever seems wrong on my end, but the lab tech still says it’s not working. This goes on for FIVE HOURS! I’m way past desperation point, when I ask her to walk me through every step of her process to see where exactly it hangs.)

Lab Tech: “Well, I put my samples in the tray…” *pause*

Me: “Yes, and then?”

Lab Tech: “Well, that’s supposed to be it…” *pause* “Oh, wait… I didn’t press the start button.” *pause, then my monitoring starts flooding with orders* “Now it’s working.”

Me: *screaming internally but somehow managing to keep my cool* “Well, there you go. Have a nice day.” *hangs up

[florida80]

Weak In The Knees

Australia, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Patients, Perth, Western Australia | Healthy | June 14, 2018


(I have gone to my general practitioner to get a referral to a specialist for endometriosis. My regular GP is a middle-aged, Singaporean man, but I don’t mind having male doctors for female issues.)

Me: “I’m seeing [Specialist] for endometriosis, and I need a referral.”

GP: “You realise that you’ll have to have surgery to know for sure?”

Me: “Yes, I have a family history.”

GP: “Okay, I just have to make sure that you have a reason to go. Do you have painful periods?”

Me: “Yes, definitely.”

GP: “So, it hurts in your abdomen region? Is it cramping, or other pain?”

Me: “Actually, my knees hurt.”

GP: “Come again?”

Me: “I get pain from my knees up during my period. But it’s worst in my knees.”

GP: “Really?” *chuckles* “All right, just give me a minute to write that referral.”

(I honestly hadn’t realised how weird it was, before that. I did end up having endometriosis — it turned out the knee pain was nerve damage from that.)

[florida80]

In-Law Practices Out-Law Medicine

Australia, Bad Behavior, home, In-Laws, New South Wales, Sydney | Healthy | June 13, 2018


(My sister is a recent medicine graduate, and is now a doctor. My mother-in-law finds out that she’s practicing.)

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, your sister is practicing now? So ,that means she writes prescriptions?”

Me: “Well, yeah, I would think she does?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, you have to get her to write me a prescription for this ADHD medication that makes you lose weight like crazy!”

Me: “Well, you’re welcome to go and see her and ask for it, but I don’t think she’ll give it to you. Why would you want it, anyway?”

Mother-In-Law: “I want to lose a few kilos before summer this year.”

Me: “Well… No. I think that medication is for people whose weight is putting their health in danger.”

Mother-In-Law: “Can’t you just get her to write me one? I don’t want to go and see her.”

Me: “Um… No, I think that’s illegal.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, then, can you get me a prescription for Xanax? I’m super stressed.”

Me: “No.”

[florida80]

An Ambulatory Emergency

Hospital, Jerk, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 12, 2018


(I’m working at the window as a tech in the ER. It’s three am, but pretty busy, and the wait times are very long because we only staff half a dozen nurses and only one doctor at this time. A very impatient woman with a headache comes up to the window several times demanding to know how much longer it will be. Being an ER and not an urgent clinic, we see patients based on how likely they are to die in the waiting room, and we have seen her twice in the last week for her headache, so she has to get in line behind ambulances with broken bones and heart attacks.)

Patient: “How much longer is it going to be?!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am. Unfortunately, we’ve been getting many ambulances with critical patients in tonight, so it’s going to be a while before you can be seen. We cannot give out exact wait times, as we never know what kind of emergencies we will receive in the interim.”

Patient: “Well, if I go outside and call an ambulance, will it get me seen sooner?”

Me: “Well, no… the charge nurse would have you sent right back here to the triage area. Then we would be calling the police. Calling an ambulance from outside an ER for a medical emergency is against the law and they could arrest you.”

(She walked away from the window in a huff and waited another hour to be seen for the headache she should have seen a primary doctor for after her first visit a week ago. Our doctor gave her no more pain medicine, just a referral identical to two others she had gotten in our ER.)

[florida80]

Looking For An Opening

Atlanta, Crazy Requests, Georgia, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 10, 2018


(I work for a doctor’s office that will work some Saturdays. However, on the Saturdays that we are open, only one doctor, the dermatologist, is there. The phones go straight to the answering service because we do not have the majority of the front office working. I am working phones this day. A patient calls in on February 4th.)

Patient: “Was [Doctor] working on January 23rd?”

Me: *after checking schedule* “Yes, ma’am, he was here that Saturday.”

Patient: “I tried to call and didn’t get an answer.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, our phones are never open on Saturdays.”

Patient: “Why didn’t someone call to tell me he was open?!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patient: “There was a threat of snow!” *which didn’t happen* “No one called me and we—” *her and her two daughters* “—missed our appointments!”

Me: “We have a system in place where we call the patients if the office is closing due to inclement weather, but we remained open.”

Patient: “HALF OF ATLANTA WAS CLOSED; WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL?!”

Me: “Because we remained open, ma’am. Would you like to reschedule your appointments?”

Patient: “What are you going to do about this?”

Me: “I can reschedule your appointments, but there is not much else I can do.”

Patient: “You aren’t going to tell the doctor? Don’t you think he would want to know?”

(This eventually had to be transferred to my manager, who informed her the doctor was quite aware he remained open and even though “HALF OF ATLANTA” was apparently closed, the other half was not.)

[florida80]

Looking For An Opening

Atlanta, Crazy Requests, Georgia, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 10, 2018


(I work for a doctor’s office that will work some Saturdays. However, on the Saturdays that we are open, only one doctor, the dermatologist, is there. The phones go straight to the answering service because we do not have the majority of the front office working. I am working phones this day. A patient calls in on February 4th.)

Patient: “Was [Doctor] working on January 23rd?”

Me: *after checking schedule* “Yes, ma’am, he was here that Saturday.”

Patient: “I tried to call and didn’t get an answer.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, our phones are never open on Saturdays.”

Patient: “Why didn’t someone call to tell me he was open?!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patient: “There was a threat of snow!” *which didn’t happen* “No one called me and we—” *her and her two daughters* “—missed our appointments!”

Me: “We have a system in place where we call the patients if the office is closing due to inclement weather, but we remained open.”

Patient: “HALF OF ATLANTA WAS CLOSED; WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL?!”

Me: “Because we remained open, ma’am. Would you like to reschedule your appointments?”

Patient: “What are you going to do about this?”

Me: “I can reschedule your appointments, but there is not much else I can do.”

Patient: “You aren’t going to tell the doctor? Don’t you think he would want to know?”

(This eventually had to be transferred to my manager, who informed her the doctor was quite aware he remained open and even though “HALF OF ATLANTA” was apparently closed, the other half was not.)

[florida80]

A Bad Case Of Extreme Entitlement

Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Medical Office, Oregon, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 9, 2018


(I need a trip to the doctor, and the one I am seeing is brand new to me, so I don’t know much about the office. When my husband and I walk in, we are approached by a woman in a wheelchair.)

Patient #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “If you’re here to see the doctor, there’s a four-hour wait.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Patient #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yeah. It’s really bad. They’ve started using a new system today and they’re having all sorts of trouble with it.”

(A younger woman comes out to take the patient away.)

Husband: “Excuse me, but is it true that if you have an appointment, they’re running four hours behind?”

Young Woman: “Oh, no. That’s just the walk-in clinic. Appointments are running as close to on time as they can get.”

Me: “Thanks.”

(My husband and I go inside and approach the counter.)

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Hello there. Are you here for the clinic?”

Me: “No, I’ve got an appointment with [Doctor] at three.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “All right, then. Let me get some information from you and we’ll get you going.”

(I give her all the pertinent information. She puts it all in, and then her computer beeps and she gives a deep sigh.)

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I’m sorry. I need to restart the computer, and I’ll have to get your info again. It’s this new system we got. Today is our first day using it and it’s been nothing but trouble.”

Me: “No problem. I understand computers acting up.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Thanks for your understanding.”

(Next to me is another patient trying to get in to see a doctor via the walk-in clinic.)

Patient #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “What do you mean there’s a four-hour wait? I’m sick. I could die. Why can’t you get me in sooner?”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we’re running behind because of the trouble with our new system. If you don’t want to wait, I can get you an appointment tomorrow morning with your doctor.”

Patient #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I don’t have time for that. I’m here now and you will see me now.”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I’m sorry, ma’am. You’re going to have to wait.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Okay, [My Name]. Let’s go over that information one more time.” *gives info* “Okay, it took it this time. Here you go. You should be called back shortly.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Patient #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Why is she getting in before me? She’s fat. Fat people are always sick. They should have to wait.”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “She has an appointment with one of our doctors.”

Patient #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Then give me her appointment.”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “We’re not going to do that. Either sit down or take the appointment I’m offering you.”

([Patient #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] continued screaming that “fat people are too sick to see a doctor,” and “I’m more important than everyone here.” She was removed from the office and banned from the clinic.)

[florida80]

Unable To Appoint Them

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 8, 2018


(I am a switchboard operator for a large hospital network with multiple campuses, over 100 specialty clinics, as well as primary care and pediatric offices in several different towns.)

Me: “Health Care Switchboard; how may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like directions to my appointment tomorrow.”

Me: “Certainly, sir, which doctor are you going to see?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Can’t you just tell me how to get there?”

Me: “Well, we have many different locations, so I would need to know which office you are going to in order to give you directions. If you don’t know, I could transfer you to the registration department and they can look up your appointments for you.”

Caller: “NO, I don’t want you to transfer me! I don’t understand why you can’t just give me directions!”

Me: “Well, sir, you haven’t given me enough information. Do you remember anything else about the appointment? Was it to see a specialist about a specific problem? Or maybe for radiology? Or some type of procedure?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Just tell me how to get there!”

Me: “If you don’t know anything about the appointment, I would need to transfer you to registration and they would be happy to help you look it up. We do not have access to your medical records at the switchboard.”

Caller: “No. I already told you not to transfer me! God!”

Me: “Well, sir, I would really like to help you, but I just don’t have enough information. Do you remember anything else about this appointment that you could tell me?”

Caller: “I don’t understand why you won’t help me. This is ridiculous. Now I will miss my appointment and it will be your fault!” *hangs up on me*

[florida80]

As Long As You Don’t Have Any Blue Tits

Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Glasgow, Hospital, Language & Words, Patients, Scotland, UK | Healthy | June 7, 2018


(My stepmum has been unwell for a few months and has been on a number of different antibiotics. Her symptoms aren’t improving, so she goes back to the doctor and my dad goes with her. During the examination, the following takes place.)

Doctor: “I’m going to put you on a stronger antibiotic, but before I do that, I want to make sure you haven’t had reactions to the antibiotic you’re currently on. Have you had any headaches or trouble sleeping?”

Stepmum: “No. I’m tired from the illness, but I have no trouble sleeping.”

Doctor: “Okay, and any stomach issues?”

Stepmum: “No, that’s fine, too.”

Doctor: “Great. Now, this might be a bit sensitive, but have you had any thrush?”

Stepmum: *looks at my dad, confused* “No, but I have a parrot at home!”

Dad: *nearly peeing his pants with laughter* “He’s means a yeast infection, not a bird!”

[florida80]

Has A Wee Problem

Chicago, Hospital, Illinois, Nurses, Patients, Silly, USA | Healthy | June 7, 2018


(I don’t know it at the time, but I have a herniated disc and the painkillers they gave me for the pain just kicked in. I am walking out of the bathroom, holding my cup of pee after giving a urine sample. A nurse is standing outside, and for some reason I think she is there to collect the sample. I walk towards her, then realize she isn’t a pee collector, but it is too late; I already have her attention, so I just start talking, much to my dismay.)

Me: “Hi, do I give this to you?” *holding up the cup to her*

Nurse: *stares* “No… just… put it on the table in the room… wherever you came from.”

(I work in a restaurant, so I know the dead “did this really just happen to me?” look she had after dealing with a seemingly crazy person. I’ll be kicking myself for a while.)

[florida80]

Man, Have They Got A Problem

Canada, Doctor/Physician, Funny Names, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, Ontario | Healthy | June 6, 2018


(I’ve gone to the emergency room. I get checked in through triage, and the nurse gives me the appropriate paperwork and sends me to the next waiting area. I drop my paperwork into the tray at the waiting area as instructed and take a seat. There are five or six other people already waiting. Every few minutes, a nurse will call a name and direct that person to an exam room.)

Nurse: “[Female Name that isn’t mine].”

(Nobody responds.)

Nurse: *repeats*

(Still no response.)

Nurse: *looks directly at me* “Are you [Female Name that isn’t mine]?”

Me: *a male, shakes head* “No, that’s not me.”

(The nurse disappears after that. A short while later I’m called by the same nurse and sent to an exam room. The nurse pulls open the curtain and there’s already someone there. She seems surprised by this but directs me to another room and leaves the curtain somewhat open as I sit down. The doctor comes in to see me after a few more minutes.)

Doctor: *reading his papers* “Okay, [Female Name that isn’t mine], looks like you’re here for [not my issue].”

Me: *still a male* “No, I’m [My Name], and I’m here for [my concern].”

(The doctor looked up for the first time and saw me. He was obviously confused, but double-checked his papers and walked out. I saw him go to the occupied room I was sent to initially. I don’t know why they were so insistent on me being that woman.)

[florida80]

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

Billing, Hospital, Michigan, Money, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 5, 2018


(Shortly before we met, my husband left his job to start a new one, and his insurance lapsed for a month. During this month, he had to get an emergency appendectomy. A year and a half later, we’re down to the last $1,000 of the $10,000 he owes to the hospital. Due to my medical conditions, I’m a stay-at-home wife and mom to my step-kids, so we have had no choice but to stay with my parents during that time. We’re finally able to see the light out of the debt, and the same hospital calls me. This isn’t the first time they’ve called, but the first time I’ve answered.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, is this [My Name]? I’m calling to discuss your account with [Hospital]. I see here that you owe $200 for a visit.”

Me: “Yes, I’m aware of that. I had a pretty bad bout with bronchitis, and it didn’t play well with my asthma. I fully intend to pay that $200. But since I’ve been paying you guys $10,000 for my husband’s life-saving operation, we were kind of waiting until that was paid off before paying mine.”

Caller: “Uh… I’m going to send out some financial help paperwork to you, and make a note of this. It was headed to collections, but it’ll put a hold on it for you.”

(I’m not sure if the shock in his voice was because I was intending to pay my debt, or because of how much we had already paid them, but it made me giggle. People can be surprisingly understanding if you explain the situation to them.)

[florida80]

That’s Not Going To Cruci-fix This

Assisted Living, Bizarre, Michigan, Patients, USA, Wild & Unruly | Healthy | June 5, 2018


(I work in the dementia section of a senior living community. We have one resident who is known for her paranoid delusions and her visions of a religious nature. When dementia patients express beliefs that diverge from reality — e.g. that their long-dead spouse is waiting for them in the car, that they are the owner of the facility, etc. — it’s rarely helpful to correct their delusion, because it just makes them more agitated. We just try to keep them safe and calm, and redirect their attention if possible. Sometimes it’s not possible, though.)

Resident: “Did you see them?”

Me: “Did I see what, [Resident]?”

Resident: “The babies. They’re all dead. Satan killed them all, and they’re outside my window.”

Me: “No, I didn’t see them. But I wasn’t looking out the window. Say, [Resident], would you like to join the others in the rec room? We’re having a snack and a singalong.”

Resident: “Attack? Why would I attack you?”

Me: “No, a snack.”

Resident: “No snakes!”

Me: “Okay, how about the chapel? Should we go to the chapel? You could pray for the babies.”

Resident: “Yes, the chapel, that’s good. Let’s go to the chapel.”

(We go to the chapel, which has been known to have a calming effect on this resident in the past.)

Me: “Okay, let’s just have a seat and pray.”

Resident: “TOOL OF SATAN!”

(I turn, just in time to duck the three-foot-long, brass crucifix that is being swung towards my head. The resident, a small, frail lady, apparently snatched it from the altar, and is wielding it like a pick-axe, and her face is contorted in a red ball of rage.)

Resident: “Out! Out, you tool of Satan! You have no power here!”

Me: *knowing that saying, “I’m not a tool of Satan,” isn’t going to convince her of anything* “Oh, s***.”

(I turned and ran. My coworkers heard the commotion, and laughed heartily at the sight of a 6’2″, 250-pound man fleeing from a crucifix-wielding woman half my size. For the rest of my time there, one coworker refused to address me as anything but “Tool of Satan.”)

[florida80]

You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine

Assisted Living, Funny Names, Iowa, Patients, Silly, USA | Healthy | June 4, 2018


(I’m a CNA at a local nursing home. I take care of one elderly gentleman in particular that I’ve developed a very good relationship with. He calls me “Sunshine” because of my sunny demeanor, very blonde hair, and love for yellow scrubs. I am chatting with him one evening when this exchange happens:)

Me: *telling a story* “And my friend said, [My Name], what did you do now?”

Resident: *looks confused* “Sunshine, who is [My Name]?”

Me: *laughing* “[Resident], I’m [My Name].”

Resident: *pondering this for a moment…* “No, you’re not. You’re Sunshine! End of story!”

(It made my day!)

[florida80]

Barking Up The Wrong Vet

Extra Stupid, Florida, Patients, USA, Vet | Healthy | June 1, 2018


(I am working the overnight shift at an emergency veterinary clinic. The phone rings and I answer it:)

Me: “[Clinic]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Is this [Other Clinic]?”

Me: “No, ma’am, this is [Clinic].”

Caller: “Okay, so this is [Owner of other clinic’s office]?”

Me: “No, ma’am. That’s [Other Clinic]. This is [Clinic].”

Caller: “Okay, well, I’m right outside your office at the intersection of [Road #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] and [Road #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ]. My dog has an emergency.”

Me: “No, ma’am, that is [Other Clinic]. They are closed because it is two am. We’re [Clinic], which is right down the road. Head south on [Road #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] for about two miles until you go under the overpass, then we’re on your right-hand side.”

Caller: “Okay, are you on the left or the right?”

Me: “We’re on the right-hand side, ma’am.”

(Twenty minutes later she calls back.)

Caller: “I went all the way down to the overpass and didn’t see you, so I turned around. Where is your office?”

Me: “You have to go under the overpass before you can see our office. We’ll be on your right-hand side once you pass the freeway.”

Caller: “Okay, I’ll be right there.”

(It took her another thirty minutes to find our clinic. Her pet’s emergency? He needed a nail trim.)

[florida80]

Take My Breath Away…

home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Louisiana, Medical Office, New Orleans, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 31, 2018


(I’m in the early stages of dating my partner, and one night he falls asleep while we are watching television. It’s the first time he’s ever fallen asleep with me present and I almost immediately notice that he appears to stop breathing in his sleep for LONG periods at a time between heavy snores and gasps for air. It’s so long that it scares me, and I go to wake him up, but his own snort/gasp wakes himself up before I can.)

Me: “Did you know that you stop breathing in your sleep?”

Partner: “What are you talking about? I just snore really loudly is all.”

Me: “YES. It freaked me out.”

(He dismisses my concerns and we go back to watching television. Shortly after, he falls asleep again and I pull out my camera to record this time. It’s the weirdest and most horrifying thing to watch his back and neck muscles strain while he stops breathing for up to 45 seconds at a time — yes, I timed it. He wakes up again, and I’m prepared.)

Me: “You have to watch this. You need to go to the doctor to get this checked out. Of the three minutes I recorded, you didn’t breathe for 170 seconds!”

Partner: *after watching* “That’s probably not good.”

(Two months later, he has just finished doing the at-home sleep assessment which is required before the official sleep study at the hospital. Note that he has complained significantly about the test. He had to wear a device on his face and a band on his chest to check his breathing. They also put an “annoying pulse monitor” on the finger, so he complained that he had too many wires going to too many parts of his body for him to sleep at all during the test. Regardless, he meets with the doctor two days later to discuss the results.)

Partner: “Guess what they found out. I stop breathing in my sleep. We went through a lot of hassle to prove what we already know.”

Me: “Ha! You stop breathing while you sleep? I never would have guessed. I thought that the 30- to 45-second breaks in breath sounds were just your lungs taking a nap.”

Partner: “My record was 82 seconds. Champion!”

Me: “Woohoo! Winner! Some people can’t hold their breath that long when they are trying to.”

Partner: “I can do it in my sleep.”

[florida80]

Puff! And You Have A Doctorate

Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | May 29, 2018


(I’m taking my cat in for a checkup. My name is Dr. Smith; the cat’s got an odd, definitely non-human name. Let’s say it’s Puffles.)

Receptionist: “Puffles?”

(I get up and come over with the cat in a carrier.)

Receptionist: “Hello, Miss Puffles. So, the cat’s name is Dr. Smith?”

Me: “No. My name is Dr. Smith.”

Receptionist: *squinting at the screen* “It says here that your name is Puffles, and the cat is Dr. Smith.”

Me: “I don’t know how that happened, but it’s wrong.”

Receptionist: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I can assure you that this cat doesn’t have a doctorate.”

(The cat can’t even figure out how to fall off a chair, and yet it gets my PhD!)

[florida80]

Those Poor, Poor, Dolphins

Bizarre, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | May 28, 2018


(It’s my second day working for a pharmacy at a local grocery store. We have a display near the register that has animal-themed thermometers like dolphins, seals, whales, etc. A woman walks up and picks up a dolphin thermometer, looking at it for a good minute or so.)

Me: “Hi, did you need help with anything?”

Woman: “Yeah, are these for rectal use?”

[florida80]

Dislocated From Reality

Health & Body, home, Parents/Guardians, Patients, USA, Washington | Healthy | May 27, 2018


(When I was in middle school, I dislocated my shoulder for the first time. Since then, I have dislocated it several times in a few different ways. This is the first time I dislocate it while sleeping. I wake up and realize my arm is not in the right location. I manage to get upright and moving out of my room. I make it to the door to my parents room and knock.)

Me: “Mom?” *muffled grumbling* “Mom, it’s [My Name].” *more grumbling* “My shoulder’s dislocated again.”

Mom: *sleepily* “No, it’s not; you’re dreaming. Go back to bed.”

Me: “Um, no, it’s really dislocated. I need help.”

Mom: “You’re dreaming. Go back to bed.”

Me: “No, it’s dislocated. My arm is six inches longer than normal.”

(There was a flurry of movement as both of my parents realized I was not dreaming and did, in fact, have a problem

[florida80]

She’s One Of The Good Ones

Awesome, Canada, Golden Years, Hospital, Inspirational, LGBTQ, Respect Your Elders | Healthy | May 26, 2018


(I work in a hospital. I am a cis woman, but since I am tall and broad-shouldered with short hair, I do occasionally get misgendered by young children, and adults who aren’t wearing their glasses. This doesn’t bother me, particularly because about half the time people are specifically talking about how “tall and handsome” I am, and I will happily take that compliment. When I tell people about these incidents, they usually either apologize or reassure me that I’m very pretty and feminine. However, this elderly gentleman blows my mind with his response.)

Elderly Patient: *to a group of ladies dozing in their wheelchairs by the television* “See? These ladies aren’t nearly as lucky as me; I get a beautiful young woman to stroll around with me, and there aren’t any handsome young men to take them walking!”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, if you’re not wearing your glasses, I can pass for a man!”

Elderly Patient: *completely serious* “Oh, are you trying to tell me something?”

Me: “Oh, no, I just meant with my hair—”

Elderly Patient: “No, no, I think you’re trying to say something. Which do you prefer?”

Me: *very conscious of being in a somewhat conservative, faith-based workplace, where I don’t know most of the staff yet* “Oh, I mean—”

Elderly Patient: “Because let me tell you, it doesn’t matter to me if you prefer one, or the other, or both. None of that matters as much as being a good person.”

Me: “I completely agree—”

Elderly Patient: “You know, I’m 97, and I know I talk too much. I can see I’ve embarrassed you. No, don’t say I haven’t, because I have. But you know what? We’re all individuals in this life. It doesn’t matter which one you want to be. As long as you’re trying to be a good person and not hurt anyone, none of the rest of that matters.”

(For the ten minutes that it took us to walk back to his room, I received something between a lecture and a pep talk about my intrinsic value as a human being, regardless of my supposed trans or non-binary identity. I have heard some awful stories about how people treat the LGBTQ+ community, but this gentleman gave me hope for humanity.)

[florida80]

Butt-Hurt About The Butt-Cream

Bad Behavior, Ohio, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | May 26, 2018


(I work in a pharmacy in a large box store. On Sundays, when only one pharmacist is on duty, the pharmacy shuts down for them to take a lunch break. This story is related to me by one of the pharmacists. The gate is down, but can sort of be seen through, and the pharmacist can be glimpsed through the holes.)

Lady: *at the top of her voice* “HEY! HEY, YOU! ARE YOU OPEN?!”

Pharmacist: “Uh, no, ma’am, we reopen in ten minutes. Please come back then.”

Lady: “IT’LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE! I NEED SOME BUTT CREAM!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, we’re closed! Please come back in ten minutes.”

Lady: “BUTT! CREAM! JUST GIVE ME SOME G**D*** BUTT CREAM!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, we’re closed! We’ll reopen in ten minutes!”

Lady: “THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I JUST NEED SOME BUTT CREAM!”

(She finally stormed off… two minutes before we reopened for business.)

[florida80]

Eye Think Eye Have A Problem

Bizarre, Hawaii, Hospital, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 25, 2018


(A woman comes into the ER.)

Woman: “I got bleach in my eyes.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, we have a flushing station over here, and then the doctor will check you out.”

(She’s uncomfortable for an hour, but we get her eyes clean, the eye doctor gives the all clear, and she leaves. Two days later, she comes back.)

Woman: “I was gardening and a palm frond stabbed me in the eye.”

(I’m starting to wonder how good our eye doctor is.)

[florida80]

A Whirlwind Of Stupidity

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 24, 2018


(I work at a small emergency department, not far from an amusement park. We get a steady stream of minor injuries from the park most days, but this one is unique. A teenage boy who is definitely old enough to know better is brought in by ambulance after he calls 911.)

Doctor: “So, what made you call 911 today? Must have been pretty serious.”

Boy: “Well, I started getting really dizzy. And I felt like I was going to throw up.”

Doctor: “Hmm, well, that could be any number of things. Did you do anything new or unusual today that might have triggered these symptoms?”

Boy: “I felt fine until I went on the Tilt-a-Whirl…”

Doctor: “I… you… I think you’re going to be okay.”

(Yes, he literally called 911 without asking his parents because he got motion sick. No, he didn’t have a developmental disability that would have explained his decision. His older sister showed up shortly after, heard what he’d done, slapped him upside the head, and dragged him out of the department. His parents are not going to be happy with the bill.)

[florida80]

Better Late Than Never!

Australia, Language & Words, Medical Office, Patients, Silly | Healthy | May 23, 2018


(In Australia, certain medical costs are covered by Medicare for everyone and some only for specific populations. A person with a chronic disease can access some funding for allied health visits through a program colloquially called a Care Plan. Word of mouth from friends or family often makes people aware of this.)

Elderly Female Patient: “My friend told me I should ask you about family planning. “

Doctor: *taken aback* ” Did you mean family planning? Because that’s things like contraception.”

Patient: “OH! ” *laughter*

Doctor: “Oh, you meant a Care Plan!” *more laughter from both* “Unless you did want to have a baby?”

[florida80]

Tic-ing Along Nicely Until You Came Along

Gym, Health & Body, Illinois, Jerk, Strangers, USA | Healthy | May 22, 2018


(I have pretty mild Tourette’s syndrome, with my only real vocal tics being a wheeze, a cough, or consistent sniffling. Most people understand once it’s explained to them. I’m at the gym, working on the arc trainer, and my Tourette’s is having a bad day, so I’m making all manner of noises. Next to me are two ladies. I have my headphones on, so I’m pretty oblivious to the goings-on around me, when suddenly I’m being tapped on the arm. I take my headphones off and look over to see one of the ladies standing by the machine I’m on.)

Lady: “Excuse me, but you should be wearing a mask if you’re sick.”

Me: “Huh? I’m not sick. I feel fine, but thanks?”

Lady: “You’re coughing and wheezing and sniffling. You must have a cold or the flu. You shouldn’t even be here, but if you’re going to be, you need a mask!”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; I actually have Tourette’s. I’m not sick; those are just my tics.”

Lady: “If you’re sick, you should wear a mask.”

Me: “But I’m not sick. I just told you. I have Tourette’s. It’s a neurological thing. I’m not physically ill.”

Lady: “I’m a nurse! I know what Tourette’s is, and you should be wearing a mask!”

(At this point, I’m more annoyed by the fact this lady is interrupting my workout than her insistence she knows more about my health than I do.)

Me: “If you know what Tourette’s is, then you know a mask wouldn’t do any good. I am not sick. I’m sorry if the tics caused some confusion.”

Lady: “You should be wearing a mask if you’re going to be sick here! I’m going to complain to the front desk!”

Me: “But I’m not sick. And really, if you’re worried about germs, is this really the place for you to be?”

Lady: *after a moment of silence* “You should have a mask.”

(She and her friend then moved down to the end of the row of cardio machines and went back to their workout, and I went back to mine. They kept shooting me dirty looks throughout. The worst part is my Tourette’s gets worse when attention is drawn to it, as I get very self-conscious and nervous. So, thanks. Nice job breaking it, lady.)

[florida80]

Tic-ing Along Nicely Until You Came Along

Gym, Health & Body, Illinois, Jerk, Strangers, USA | Healthy | May 22, 2018


(I have pretty mild Tourette’s syndrome, with my only real vocal tics being a wheeze, a cough, or consistent sniffling. Most people understand once it’s explained to them. I’m at the gym, working on the arc trainer, and my Tourette’s is having a bad day, so I’m making all manner of noises. Next to me are two ladies. I have my headphones on, so I’m pretty oblivious to the goings-on around me, when suddenly I’m being tapped on the arm. I take my headphones off and look over to see one of the ladies standing by the machine I’m on.)

Lady: “Excuse me, but you should be wearing a mask if you’re sick.”

Me: “Huh? I’m not sick. I feel fine, but thanks?”

Lady: “You’re coughing and wheezing and sniffling. You must have a cold or the flu. You shouldn’t even be here, but if you’re going to be, you need a mask!”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; I actually have Tourette’s. I’m not sick; those are just my tics.”

Lady: “If you’re sick, you should wear a mask.”

Me: “But I’m not sick. I just told you. I have Tourette’s. It’s a neurological thing. I’m not physically ill.”

Lady: “I’m a nurse! I know what Tourette’s is, and you should be wearing a mask!”

(At this point, I’m more annoyed by the fact this lady is interrupting my workout than her insistence she knows more about my health than I do.)

Me: “If you know what Tourette’s is, then you know a mask wouldn’t do any good. I am not sick. I’m sorry if the tics caused some confusion.”

Lady: “You should be wearing a mask if you’re going to be sick here! I’m going to complain to the front desk!”

Me: “But I’m not sick. And really, if you’re worried about germs, is this really the place for you to be?”

Lady: *after a moment of silence* “You should have a mask.”

(She and her friend then moved down to the end of the row of cardio machines and went back to their workout, and I went back to mine. They kept shooting me dirty looks throughout. The worst part is my Tourette’s gets worse when attention is drawn to it, as I get very self-conscious and nervous. So, thanks. Nice job breaking it, lady.)

[florida80]

Eye See Death

Bad Behavior, British Columbia, Canada, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Vancouver | Healthy | May 21, 2018


(A customer and her husband have walked in and I go over to help them find some glasses. During our conversation, I ask the wife if they’ve seen an optometrist, as we have one on staff that accepts walk-ins.)

Customer: “Yes, we’ve already seen an optometrist. Several, actually. It took us a long time to find one that we like.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad that you found one that you liked.”

Customer: “Yes, they were all so awful. One was so bad that we had to report him to the Board of Optometrists!”

(I usually avoid getting into the politics and gossip regarding other optometrists, so I try to keep my response vague. The wife seems to be getting more agitated the more she talks about it.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”

Customer: “Well, I heard he’s dead now, anyway, so that’s good!”

Me: “Wow… That’s actually really horrible.”

Customer: “Oh. I guess I shouldn’t say things like that, should I?”

(The customer shrugged and turned to ask her husband a question, completely unfazed. I’ve worked all kinds of retail over 15 years now, and I’ve never heard something so awful come out of someone’s mouth before. I left them alone to look and never helped the couple again.)

[florida80]

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 20, 2018


(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

[florida80]

Carrot Top, Meet Carrot Bottom…

Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Patients, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | May 18, 2018


(I’m a medical student. My neighbor who is a doctor tells me this story. She has a patient with something stuck.)

Neighbor: “So, you were cleaning the kitchen naked, tripped, and ended up with a carrot up your rectum?”

Patient: *red-faced* “Yes…”

Neighbor: “Honey, I’m a doctor. This is far from the weirdest case I’ve had. I also don’t have the right to comment on people and their experiments.”

Patient: “So, when will I get this out?”

Neighbor: “After the proctologist sees you

[florida80]

Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

Hospital, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Patients | Healthy | May 16, 2018


(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

[florida80]

Survival Of The Fittest In Action

Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 14, 2018


Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

[florida80]

Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

Doctor/Physician, Insurance, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 13, 2018


Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

[florida80]

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

Extra Stupid, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | May 12, 2018


Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

[florida80]

Wasn’t Going Through Labor Enough?

Australia, Hospital, Jerk | Healthy | May 11, 2018


(I work in a busy maternity ward, and I’m constantly amazed at how many people will show up to visit someone who’s just given birth. Your ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s ex-girlfriend’s third cousin from grade school will show without batting an eyelid. The following exchange is unfortunately very common:)

Visitor: “Hi, I’m here to see Lisa Jones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have anybody named Jones. Is there another name she might be using?”

(Even people who are married often book in under their maiden name, as a way of not getting too many visitors, and elderly people often assume the woman’s name is the same as her partner’s, even if they’re not married, because they can’t imagine letting the hospital know you’re having a baby out of wedlock!)

Visitor: “She must be here; she was only born this morning.”

Me: “Wait, is that the baby’s name? I need the mother’s name. She’s the patient. As the baby’s name isn’t registered yet, all babies are listed as ‘Baby of [Mother].’”

Visitor: “The father is Dick Jones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I need the mother’s name; otherwise, I can’t help you.”

Visitor: “I think her name might be Ann.”

Me: “I honestly can’t help you if you don’t know her name.”

Visitor: “Couldn’t you just check the fathers’ and the babies’ names?”

Me: “We. Have. No. Record. Of their names. Only the mothers are admitted as patients.”

(At this point, even if there’s only one patient on the ward named Ann, and I KNOW that’s who you’re looking for, there’s no way you’re getting in to see her if YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!)

Me: “Well, could you call her? Or the father? I’m sure he can tell you what name she’s using.”

Visitor: *doubtfully* “Well, I don’t really know him.”

(So, you don’t know the mother, as you, “think her name might be Ann,” and you don’t really know the father, usually a vague acquaintance such as, your partner plays football with him, and you maybe know the mother by sight, but you think it’s appropriate to come see her in the, hospital hours after she’s given birth?!)

[florida80]

Not Seeing Eye To Eye On This

Iowa, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 10, 2018


(It is important to note that every state in the USA has their own laws about eyeglass prescriptions. It is most common in Iowa for optometrists to write prescriptions that only last for one year, though they could write one that would be valid for up to two years. One day, I get this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Optometrist]’s Office. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, hello! I ordered a box of contacts from you guys about a month ago, for my son, and he says these ones aren’t working. He’s got blurry vision. I know the doctor changed his script a couple times and I just want to make sure the most recent one was ordered.”

Me: “Sure. I’ll pull his file and take a look. Please hold.”

(I go to have a look at the file and my heart sinks. It’s April, and this kid had his eye appointment last June. Kids tend to have a lot of changes in their vision thanks, in part, to hormones. Not only that, but he came back three times with the same complaint of his contacts not working. All of that was within thirty days of his appointment, so his script was finalized in July. And Mom waited to order… until March. I steel myself and pick up the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, ma’am. It looks like the most recent prescription was what we ordered for your son. It is accurate.”

Customer: “Well, he can’t see out of them! Can you take this box back?”

Me: “Is the box unopened? We can do a refund for the box if it is, but we can’t take back an opened box for hygiene reasons.”

Customer: “Of course it’s opened! He’s been wearing them! But they are wrong now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The order was placed correctly. We put the same strength that your son told us worked, and so there’s nothing we can do. At this point, he’s almost due for another eye exam, as it is.”

Customer: “So, you’re saying I’m just out, what, $75?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but yes. He saw the doctor last July, and it’s been almost a year. It’s possible his eyes have changed.”

Customer: “That’s just ridiculous! This is the worst service I’ve ever gotten. I’m never bringing him back to your office!”

(And she hung up on me. I’m sorry, but who waits eight months to order contacts and THEN complains? Next time, don’t wait so long!)

[florida80]

Time To Make A Stand

Charleston, Hospital, Revolting, USA, West Virginia | Healthy | May 9, 2018


(My parents and I are sitting in the ER waiting room, waiting for my mom’s test results to come back. It’s very early in the morning, and the waiting room is quite small, so the few of us in there are all within eyesight of each other, except one woman sitting on the other side of a pillar from us. We’ve been there for a few minutes when a nurse comes in, carrying an armload of cleaning supplies. She walks over to the woman behind the pillar.)

Nurse: “Where was that man sitting?”

Woman: “Oh, three chairs over from me.”

(You can see everyone in the room count three chairs over from this woman… where another woman happens to be sitting. As soon as she realizes this, she tenses up and the guy next to her recoils away. The nurse awkwardly approaches.)

Nurse: “I need to clean this chair. The man who was sitting there had an… um… accident in his pants.”

(She immediately gathered all of her stuff and moved chairs, whispering somewhat-panicked statements to her male companion about whatever it was she was sitting in without realizing. We were called back before her, but the rest of the time we were there, she was sitting on the edge of her new chair, trying to touch as little as possible. You know you’re having a bad day when you’re in the ER at 1:00 am and find out you’re sitting in a stranger’s “accident.”)

[florida80]

Getting Them To Understand Is Like Pulling Teeth

Bad Behavior, Dentist, Non-Dialogue, USA, Wisconsin | Healthy | May 8, 2018


When I was eight years old, my older sister’s school had an anti-drug campaign. She came home from school one day and lectured me to never, ever take drugs. I looked up to my sister, so I solemnly promised her I wouldn’t.

About a week later, my dad took me to the dentist to get some baby teeth pulled. I was alone in the room with the dentist while my dad was in the waiting room. The dentist told me he was giving me some analgesia. I asked what that meant, and he explained that it was a drug that would make me not feel any pain.

I told him, “No, no drugs,” and refused to let him near me with the analgesia. For some reason, he did not go out to the waiting room to confer with my dad. Instead, he went ahead and pulled three teeth from an eight-year-old girl without using analgesia or any pain relief.

After a few minutes of him pulling my teeth, the burglar alarm went off in the clinic. There was no break-in, though. Apparently, my screams of pain perfectly mimicked the sound of breaking glass, fooling the alarm system. We never went back to that clinic.

[florida80]

Trash Can Make You Nauseous

Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Nurses, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | May 7, 2018


(I have the stomach flu, and have spent the night throwing up, with diarrhea. Dehydrated and in pain, I go to the emergency room. I’m trying to do something to distract myself from the pain, so I turn on the TV in the room. The channel buttons don’t work, so it’s stuck on a staged reality show that features a lot of yelling and fighting. The nurse comes in while it’s on commercial.)

Nurse: “Okay, you are so dehydrated the doctor wants you on IV fluids for a while before we run more tests. Oh, what are you watching? Oh, this show is so trashy; I can’t believe it. Who would watch a trashy show like this. Do you like this?”

Me: “It’s what was on.”

Nurse: “Oh, wow. I can’t believe how trashy this is.”

(She stops and turns to watch the TV, ignoring me. It isn’t until the next commercial break that she finally turns and puts the IV in my arm, then leaves without attaching the saline. I start dry-heaving again, and she comes back in to give me a bucket to throw up in.)

Nurse: “Didn’t I attach the saline? I must have been distracted by that trashy TV show you like. What are they doing now?”

(She watches until the end of the episode, while I deal with waves of nausea, then finally comes back with the saline drip.)

Nurse: “Oh, my God, it’s another episode! Are they running a marathon? Who watches this trash?”

(She fiddles with the saline drip for a while, while watching the TV, and then stands and watches until the next commercial break. As soon as she leaves, I turn off the TV. She comes back in a moment later with another nurse.)

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Why didn’t you start the anti-nausea medicine?”

Nurse: “I only just got the IV on her.”

(I was finally medicated, and as it kicked in, I drifted off into sleep. I was woken up by the TV being turned back on, and the nurse standing there watching it. She caught me watching and shook her head, muttering about the trashy show.)

[florida80]

Kentucky-Fried Cure

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, Kentucky, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 6, 2018


I work in a very large trauma ER, and we are very busy. I see a lot of weird things, but this one stands out.

A mother brings her 17-year-old daughter in for a “fever.” The registration clerk asks how high the fever is. Mom says, “100.” This is not really an emergency fever unless you have maybe an immune deficiency or are in cancer treatment.

The clerk asks how long she’s had the fever. Mom says, “Like, a day.” The pediatric ER is very busy that day, so they end up waiting about an hour. Halfway through, I look over into the waiting room. The daughter is on her phone, looking as healthy and happy as can be. Mom is nowhere to be seen, but since the daughter is an older teen, I don’t think much of it. Maybe she went to move the car or something.

Ten minutes later, the mom comes back… with fried chicken. They both proceed to eat chicken in the waiting room full of sick people until the daughter is called back. She is almost immediately discharged.

[florida80]

The Root Of Your Problems

Bad Behavior, Dentist, Lazy/Unhelpful, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | May 5, 2018


(I am the patient in this story. After many, many years of not receiving dental treatment, I finally get good dental insurance and make an appointment with a dentist. After the x-rays come back, I have in total 14 cavities and severe sensitivity in a majority of my teeth, and I need one root canal. After many visits, I am finally down to the root canal. So far, for a majority of my appointments, the dentist has been rough, short-tempered, and pissy. I am on a time limit to get all this work done, so I just live with it. Sadly, my final appointment does not go well.)

Dentist: *jerks my head* “Oh, s***.”

Me: “Everything okay?”

Dentist: “We are going to have to stop here and send you to someone else.”

Me: “Why?”

Dentist: “I broke a drill bit in one of your roots.”

Me: “I am fine with being sent to someone else, but my insurance ends tomorrow; this root canal needs to be done.”

Dentist: “Don’t worry; it will be done. We are sending you to our specialist. He is really good at root canals.”

Me: *skeptical* “Okay, as long as it gets done.”

(Next day:)

Specialist Dentist: “I don’t know how they managed to break a bit in your root, but the good news is that it broke on the torque, so it sealed the root. We can leave it in and just finish the root canal.”

Me: “Fine, let’s just get this done.”

(Another hour later, as they finish drilling the rest of the roots…)

Specialist Dentist: “We are finished. Schedule your next appointment for the filling and the crown.”

Me: “Um, no, you need to fill this and put the crown on. My insurance ends today; I do not have $1,600 to pay out-of-pocket for this.”

Specialist Dentist: “We can’t finish this today; you’re not scheduled for that.”

(After that, they made me leave. It has been four months, and two of the fillings they did have fallen off, the tooth with the unfinished root canal has cracked, and the broken fillings have exposed nerves. I managed to scrape together enough money to fix one of the fillings, but the other broken filling is out of the budget, and so is the unfinished root canal. It’s pretty bad when a filling falls off while eating pancakes.)

[florida80]

Name Change Approved

Australia, Hobart, Language & Words, Patients, Pharmacy, Tasmania | Healthy | May 4, 2018


(A customer is picking up a regular prescription medication but he also wants something else.)

Customer: “Can I also have some ‘Stuffy Nose Squirts’?”

(He wanted a decongestant nasal spray.)

[florida80]

There Will Not Be Blood

Blood Donation, Ignoring & Inattentive, New Zealand | Healthy | May 2, 2018


(Due to having a serious illness as a kid, I’ve had countless numbers of blood tests. When I am old enough to donate blood, I do so willingly, but knowing that my veins are now difficult to find, I always request an experienced technician. This is on all my paperwork, for their benefit as well as mine. This is my fourth or fifth donation, so I know the drill fairly well. It usually takes 15 to 20 minutes.)

Head Technician: “So, I understand that you’ve got difficult veins! That’s not a problem, but I was wondering if you would mind if we get one of our senior technicians to have a practice with you? He’s requested some further experience on veins like yours. I’ll be watching him and with him the whole time.”

Me: “That sounds fine.”

(The head technician brings over a young man, and they prep everything accordingly. Then, at the point where he has to place the needle in, the head technician walks away!)

Young Tech: “Oops! Let me try again.”

(To my mildly-suppressed horror, he tries to find a vein five times!)

Me: “Um, is everything going okay?”

Young Tech: “Sorry, this won’t take too long. I’m just a bit nervous! Are you still okay?”

Me: “Um, yup, just do what you have to!”

(Trying to be helpful, I endure another ten minutes of him attempting to find the vein in my right arm, and missing every time.)

Young Tech: “It looks like this arm is useless, so I’m going to try your left arm!”

Me: “Um, okay?”

(The head technician wanders past and nods approvingly. The young tech gets my left arm set up. At this stage I’m not really into it, but feel like I’m committed, and I’m beginning to feel a little faint.)

Young Tech: “Here we go!”

(Here we do not go. After another twenty minutes of being used as a pin cushion, the young tech calls the head technician over.)

Head Technician: “Oh, well, it looks like we’ve exhausted both arms today! How much blood did we get?”

Young Tech & Me: “None.”

Head Technician: “Oh. Well, we can try again tomorrow!”

(As I am leaving, one of the nurses passes by and asked how things went. I explain, and she is aghast.)

Nurse: “It’s his first day!”

(I marched back to the head technician, who brushed off my concerns, even though all my paperwork said I had tricky veins and needed an experienced technician. The next day, I had deep blue bruises on both my arms from my mid-forearm to almost my armpit, which lead me to being spoken to by my managers about drug use. I didn’t go to give blood the next day!)

[florida80]

I’m Your OBGYN; I’m Here All Week

Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Illinois, Medical Office, Silly, USA | Healthy | April 30, 2018


(For the better part of the last decade, I have been to one specific OBGYN for all of my reproductive system’s many faults. He is a very short and stout man with a Slavic accent, the bedside manner of an angel, and the most wisea** sense of humor this side of the Mississippi. Here’s some of my favorite quotes from him over the years:)

OBGYN: *during my first pelvic examination* “Are you flexible? You surely are! I must have a Cirque Du Soleil star on my table!”

Me: “You know, most men buy me dinner first before asking me that!”

OBGYN: “Oh, honey, I couldn’t afford you.”

(The results of my first exam:)

OBGYN: *bursts into the room, waving a packet of papers around* “Good news! It’s all in your head!”

(I am diagnosed with Vaginismus, a condition that has both psychological triggers and a physical response, which has been carefully controlled since the diagnosis through therapy and physical therapy. I am just happy it doesn’t require surgery.)

OBGYN: *after a two-year lapse where I haven’t seen him since I’d moved* “You’re still alive?! Gosh darn, I must be doing my job too well!”

OBGYN: *after explaining my problems with birth control* “Oh, that just means your body hates estrogen. It’s not terribly uncommon for this reaction, but considering your other allergies, I think there’s one last thing we can try, and I’m very hopeful for it!”

OBGYN: *after that fails, rendering me unable to use all conceivable forms of birth control* “Well, we’re f***ed. Well, mostly you, although probably not as much as you used to anymore. I’m not helping, am I?”

OBGYN: *after I come in with a history of cyst ruptures* “Don’t worry! All we have to do is get you on some hormonal birth control, and it should clear those right… Oh, yeah. Oh. Well, have you ever considered traveling back in time and being born as a man?”

OBGYN: “Please quit coming in; you are making me actually work!”

OBGYN: “Have you ever considered becoming a nun? It might go better for you.”

OBGYN: “Look, I know a guy who knows a guy, and I could get you a new uterus set up, but apparently that’s illegal, so instead, let’s just try managing the crazy.”

OBGYN: *five years after my first exam with him* “You’re still flexible! I still can’t afford the dinner bill, though.”

(Considering all the horror stories I’ve heard about terrible OBGYN’s, I am so blessed to have this crazy Slavic man in charge of my health with his humor and knowledge!)

[florida80]

Fat Chance Of Being Taken Seriously

Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 27, 2018


(I have scheduled a doctor’s appointment because I finally have a job with health insurance. I am experiencing a relatively minor issue with irregular periods, which I also mention to the nurse. She writes my concern down and leaves the room. The doctor comes in a few minutes later.)

Doctor: “I hear your period is weird.”

Me: *surprised by her blunt introduction* “Yes. And I’d really like to know why.”

Doctor: “My first thought was that you’re probably fat, but you’re actually healthy. So, let’s run some tests.”

Me: “Wait. If I was fat, you would have just told me to go on a diet and not checked for something else?”

Doctor: “Well, yeah, that’s usually the reason.”

Me: “What if they had something serious?”

Doctor: “It’s never serious.”

(I was too nervous to say anything. After getting my blood drawn and an ultrasound, I asked the front desk if I could see a different doctor next visit. At least the nurse looked embarrassed the whole time.)



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Well, That’s A First (Name)

Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Patients, USA |
Healthy | April 26, 2018

(I am in the waiting room at a large, multi-doctor medical practice, so there are many people in the room. A nurse enters and calls:)

Nurse: “Williams.” *a few people look up* “[First Name] Williams?”

(Everyone goes back to what they are doing. The nurse again calls out the name, but no one answers, so she starts to walk away. As she passes, a woman rises, tosses down the magazine she was perusing, sighs audibly, and hisses:)

Woman: “That’s me, but I didn’t give you permission to use my first name; you will address me as, ‘Mrs. Williams’!”

(In response, the nurse turns to address the room, smiles broadly, and calls:)

Nurse: “Mrs. Williams?”

(Two other women in the room stand and look at each other and the nurse quizzically.)

Nurse: “Mrs. [First Name] Williams?”

(Several people, having heard the whole interaction, audibly chuckled as two women sat back down and “Mrs. Williams” turned red, glared at everyone, and followed the nurse to the back.)

[florida80]

Well, That’s A First (Name)

Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Patients, USA |
Healthy | April 26, 2018

(I am in the waiting room at a large, multi-doctor medical practice, so there are many people in the room. A nurse enters and calls:)

Nurse: “Williams.” *a few people look up* “[First Name] Williams?”

(Everyone goes back to what they are doing. The nurse again calls out the name, but no one answers, so she starts to walk away. As she passes, a woman rises, tosses down the magazine she was perusing, sighs audibly, and hisses:)

Woman: “That’s me, but I didn’t give you permission to use my first name; you will address me as, ‘Mrs. Williams’!”

(In response, the nurse turns to address the room, smiles broadly, and calls:)

Nurse: “Mrs. Williams?”

(Two other women in the room stand and look at each other and the nurse quizzically.)

Nurse: “Mrs. [First Name] Williams?”

(Several people, having heard the whole interaction, audibly chuckled as two women sat back down and “Mrs. Williams” turned red, glared at everyone, and followed the nurse to the back.)

[florida80]

Not A Healthy Conversation

Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | April 24, 2018


(I work for the UK National Health Service. This particular branch receives referrals for patients, and my job is to phone the patients to offer our service and get more info on their health, lifestyle, etc. Because of the nature of the branch, most people I speak to are in their 70s to 90s — and a few older! — but I do get the occasional younger person. I can see from this particular patient’s file that she is in her mid-30s.)

Me: “Good morning. Is this Mrs. [Patient]?”

Patient: *deep, gravelly voice* “Yes.”

(I am shocked because she is in her 30s, but she sounds at least 89.)

Me: “I’m calling from—” *quickly explains service and what we offer*

Patient: *almost before I finish speaking* “Yes, please. Anything to help.”

Me: “Fantastic. I’ll just go through a few some questions about your health, and we’ll see what would be best for you.”

(I begin with the standard questions, and she tells me the medical conditions she suffers from, which include severe COPD and bronchitis — evidenced by her gravelly voice and breathlessness when she talks. She has several other conditions; in short, she’s generally not in good health.)

Me: “Do you smoke?”

Patient: “Yes. About 60 a day.”

Me: *bangs forehead against desk*

(The job required I ask if she wanted help in stopping, but I knew before she even answered that she was going to refuse. I guess she wasn’t as desperate about her referral as she said she was. I left that temp post two weeks later.)

[florida80]

A Bad Joke, No De-Nile

Medical Office, Punny, USA, Washington | Healthy | April 23, 2018


(I schedule appointments at an OB/GYN office. One day, a woman calls in needing to be seen; she has just learned she is about three months pregnant.)

Patient: “I thought I had food poisoning or something from my trip to see the pyramids, but my symptoms lasted so long I thought I should take a pregnancy test. Positive! I’m so excited!”

Me: *hardly able to contain myself that I can use this joke* “Sounds like you did catch something on your trip. You have the Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy!”

[florida80]

Has No Idea What They Are Talking About

Call Center, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Healthy | April 22, 2018


(I am seventeen years old, and claim disability benefit. Part of my autism means that I cannot speak over the phone — I literally start shaking and have a panic attack if my phone so much as starts ringing. Usually this is not a problem, as my mum will talk for me if it’s an urgent call, and the words, “Does not speak on phone,” are plastered all over my documents and disability claim form. Unfortunately, though, we’ve had some variation of this conversation too many times.)

Caller: “Hello, this is [Disability Allowance]. What can we do for you today?”

Mum: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of my daughter.” *explains problem*

Caller: “Okay, [My Name]—”

Mum: “No, I’m her mother.”

Caller: “You’re not [My Name]?”

Mum: “No.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Who are you? Are you the power of attorney?”

Mum: “No, I’m just her mother. She can speak for herself, just not over the phone.”

Caller: “That’s not allowed. We have to speak to [My Name].”

Mum: “But she can’t—”

Caller: “We’re not allowed to have this discussion with you without her direct consent, even if you are a blood relative. Is she there?”

Mum: “Yes, but—”

Caller: “Please pass us over to [My Name], or I will have to terminate this call. All she needs to do is give consent for you to talk on her behalf.”

Mum: *giving me an apologetic look* “So, let me get this straight… You want my autistic daughter to talk to you over the phone, to tell you she can’t talk over the phone?“

Caller: “Yes.”

[florida80]

No Need To Get Catty About It

Brazil, Drug Store, Jerk, Pets & Animals | Healthy | April 21, 2018


(I go to a human drugstore to get a new insulin vial for my diabetic cat, since his last one is expired. He’s been diagnosed and treated for four months now, and I have been handling his insulin shots every day, twice a day, ever since. I bring the old box with me, so I’m sure I’ll get the right one. In Brazil, you can have insulin over the counter, no prescriptions needed. Also, every drugstore has a fidelity card that offers discounts, and most of the health cares have partnerships that give you discounts; you just have to show your health care card. A third way to get a discount — a big one — is when you register with the manufacturer; it’s a long form you have to fill, with your doctor’s information, treatment details, etc.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like a small vial for this insulin.” *hands the box* “I also would like to check both fidelity and health care discounts.”

Employee: *cheerful* “You know, you could get the manufacturer’s discount for it.”

Me: “Yeah, I know, but it’s for my diabetic cat, so they couldn’t take us.”

Employee: *makes weird face*

Me: *uncomfortable, trying to be cheerful* “Yeah, unfortunately they didn’t accept felines for that. That’s a ‘humans-only’ kind of benefit.”

Employee: *goes to hand me the vial, backs off, looking at me as if I’m a child* “You know this needs to be kept on the fridge, right?”

Me: “Yeah, I know. I also need a ten-pack of syringes.”

Employee: *still making the weird face* “Syringes for what?”

Me: “Uh, insulin. I need the smaller ones, because he only takes two units at a time.”

Employee: *proceeds to teach me how to use the syringes, very patronizingly, ignoring the fact that I may know how to do it since I just gave her an empty box of insulin* “What gauge size you need?”

Me: “I never had to choose between gauge sizes, but since he’s a cat, I believe the smaller ones.”

Employee: “What size is he?”

Me: “Uh, cat size? About four kilos.”

Employee: *weird face*

Me: “Sooo, I guess I’ll take the small ones.”

Employee: *reluctantly gives me my stuff, still looking at me as if I was committing a crime

[florida80]

Pressured To Squeeze Out Any Answer

Health & Body, High School, Students, Teachers, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 20, 2018


(I’m in anatomy and physiology class, self-grading a test we just did on the cardiovascular system. Since everyone’s grading their tests as a class, the teacher is going over the questions and answers aloud. As is the case on every test, some of the answers are flexible, as long as she can understand what you were trying to refer to.)

Teacher: “Numbers 52 and 53: what instruments are used to measure blood pressure? ‘Stethoscope,’ and I’ll take, ‘blood pressure cuff.’ If you said, ‘sphygmomanomet er,’ I’ll take that, too.”

Student #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I put, ‘blood pressure band.’”

Teacher: “Yeah, that’s close enough; I’ll take that, too.”

Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *somewhat sheepishly* “I put, ‘squeezy pressure thing’…”

(Everyone bursts out laughing, even [Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] and [Teacher].)

Teacher: *between giggles* “‘Squeezy pressure thing’! I’ll take that!”

[florida80]

Looks Like They Already Had Their Drugs

New York, Pharmacy, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | April 19, 2018


(I have just started my first job at a local pharmacy and convenience store, and it is my third day of training. I am standing behind the counter with an older coworker of mine. We hear the door open, and look over.)

Customer: *quickly walks through the doors and to the other end of the floor, where the pharmacy is*

Me: *looking at my coworker* “Was she…”

Coworker: *taking a sip of an energy drink* “…not wearing any pants? Welcome to the job, kid.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

At Least He Told The Tooth

Bad Behavior, Dentist, France, Patients | Healthy | April 18, 2018


(I study dentistry in France, where you work at a dental clinic starting on your fourth year. Every half day, you’re in a different service. For example, on Tuesday mornings, I take care of cavities and the like, and on Friday afternoons I remove teeth. To remove a tooth, you obviously have to anesthetize the patient locally, and, for medical reasons, you cannot do that if the patient has taken drugs recently — especially cocaine — or you could cause them to have a heart attack. Although it is a rare occurrence and most likely wouldn’t happen anyway, we still can’t knowingly inject a drugged patient with adrenalin, which is part of our anesthesiant. A patient I know from a different service comes to have a tooth removed. Since I’ve already seen him and his file, I know he is a drug addict. On this particular day, he is acting very “twitchy.”)

Me: *after five minutes of chatting about the treatment I already performed on him while we set up the operation table* “So, have you taken any drugs lately?”

Patient: “You have to be more precise; I’ve been on drugs my entire life!”

Me: “Hm, how about that last week?”

Patient: “Sure.”

Me: “What have you taken?”

Patient: “A bit of everything, really.”

Me: “What about cocaine?”

Patient: “Oh, yeah.”

Me: “In the last three days?”

Patient: *more or less jokingly* “Are you the police? Why are you questioning me?”

Me: “Well, sir, I can’t anesthetize you if you’ve taken cocaine recently; that could cause you to have a heart attack. I personally don’t care; it’s for your sake. So, when’s the last time you’ve taken cocaine?”

Patient: “Hm… Half an hour ago.”

(I resisted the urge to face-palm and informed the patient that I could not legally or ethically remove his tooth. He told me that he had come plenty of times, been anesthetized and never had any issue, but I still refused and sent him away. I told him to come back clean after the weekend and wrote about the incident in his file, warning the next student to check whether he is clean or not. He will probably come back high as a kite and just lie about having taken anything, but at least it will not be my responsibility, then.)

[florida80]

Ultrasound Taking Ultra Long

California, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Sacramento, Students, USA | Healthy | April 17, 2018


(I am 37 weeks pregnant and am having an ultrasound on my baby to monitor his kidneys, which are enlarged, but otherwise healthy. A very nice student tech is doing the ultrasound under the watchful eye of the attending OB/GYN and the supervising tech, who are viewing the video in the next room. The student is being very careful and thorough, trying to get good pictures of every structure, and is taking a LONG time. Finally, the supervising ultrasound tech comes in, cackling, and addresses the student.)

Supervisor: “Dr. [OB] says if you keep her in here much longer, she’s going to have to deliver her right on this table.”

(She wasn’t too far off; I went into labor shortly afterward!)

[florida80]

Asking Some Fresh Questions

Food & Drink, Indiana, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | April 16, 2018


(I have recently gotten pregnant with my first child, and am at my OB/GYN having an initial consult with a nurse practitioner who appears to be in her mid-50s. We are going over restrictions now that I’m pregnant. My family are avid fishermen, and my husband and I regularly eat the freshwater fish we catch.)

Nurse Practitioner: “Here’s a pamphlet on fish and seafood. Research has really helped recently, so there’s a comprehensive list of what types of fish are safe and which ones you should limit.”

Me: *looking over list, and noticing it’s only ocean fish* “Okay, but what about freshwater fish? Are there risks or restrictions on those?”

Nurse Practitioner: “It should be on the list; they have types listed there.”

Me: “No, I know, but these are all ocean fish: salmon, tuna, cod, etc. I’m talking about freshwater fish. My family and I catch and eat locally, and at our cabin in Minnesota:perch, bluegill, northern pike. Are those okay?”

Nurse Practitioner: “I’ve literally never had anyone ask me that.”

Me: “Really?”

Nurse Practitioner: “I guess I don’t get many patients who fish! I’d say it’d be okay to eat those as long as you ensure that they’re cooked thoroughly.”

(It surprised me that in a rural area, a nurse practitioner with that much experience wouldn’t have come across that before!)

[florida80]

Context Is Thicker Than Blood

Bizarre, Germany, Medical Office, Patients | Healthy | April 13, 2018


(I’m standing at the reception desk of my doctor’s office when suddenly I hear a woman yell:)

Woman: “I don’t have blood anymore!”

(I do a mental double-take since the receptionist seems completely unfazed.)

Woman: “Mrs. [Receptionist]! I don’t have blood anymore!”

(The receptionist looks up, smiling benevolently. Just as I start to wonder what the heck is going on, a female doctor’s assistant walks up to the reception desk, trailed by a courier carrying a sealed box.)

Doctor’s Assistant: “Mrs. [Receptionist], the courier is here; all the blood samples will be sent out now.”

(Finally, it clicked. So, there wasn’t a vampire phlebotomist on the loose!)

[florida80]

Helping Is In Their Blood

Awesome Workers, British Columbia, Canada, Medical Office, Patients, Victoria, Volunteer | Healthy | April 11, 2018


(I donate blood regularly. One time, when they insert the needle, I immediately feel lightheaded for a second or two. Since I have not yet lost more than a few drops of blood, definitely not enough to cause a significant loss of blood pressure, I assume it was just a psychosomatic reaction to having such a large needle inserted, shrug it off, and decide to continue with the draw. A few minutes later, it comes back again, and with a vengeance.)

Me: *raising hand shakily* “Um… Excuse me?”

(I immediately have three technicians surrounding me.)

Technician: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”

(They spring into action, immediately removing the needle. One of them reclines my seat so my feet are elevated above my head, one goes to grab damp cloths, which they drape over every inch of exposed skin I have, and one goes to grab me a juice box to increase my blood sugar. After a while, the seat is returned to its regular position, and they continue feeding me juice. I am eventually allowed to go to the recovery area, with two people escorting in case I pass out on the way. Once I sit down, I call my friend who I was supposed to meet to tell her I’ll be delayed. Partway through the conversation, I hear running steps behind me, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a woman with a very concerned expression, who looks at me for a moment and then laughs.)

Volunteer: “Oh, you’re on your cell phone! I thought you were talking to yourself!”

Me: “Oh, no. I’m just letting my friend know I’m going to be late.”

Volunteer: “Oh, good.”

Friend: “What was that?”

Me: “Oh, the volunteer thought I was talking to myself. Can you imagine that? ‘Oh, great! First he nearly passes out, and now he’s hallucinating!'”

(They eventually let me go, and I was only 30 minutes late to meet my friend. Fortunately, while everything was going on, one of the techs mentioned I had filled most of a bag, and when I asked if it could still be used, he assured me it could.)

[florida80]

Dying For Some Good Service

Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | April 9, 2018


(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)

Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”

Nurse: “Yes.”

Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”

Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”

Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”

Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”

Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”

Me & Boyfriend: “…”

[florida80]

The Holy S-pee-rit

Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 8, 2018


(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)

Nurse: “Do you smoke?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”

Me: “Occasionally.”

Nurse: “How often?”

Me: “Once or twice per month.”

Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”

Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”

[florida80]

Abort This Doctor’s Appointment

Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 7, 2018


(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem:)

Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”

Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”

Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”

Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”

Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”

(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.)

[florida80]

I’ll Have What She’s Having

Canada, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ontario, Patients, Silly | Healthy | April 6, 2018


(I have just woken up from surgery. I look around the room and see my Ob/Gyn, so I decide to start a conversation.)

Me: “Are you real?”

Ob/Gyn: “Yes.”

Me: “I don’t think so! Wait, maybe you’re a ghost.”

Ob/Gyn: “I’m not a ghost.”

Me: “I bet I can stick my hand through you.” *I flop my arm over in his direction and hit him in the side* “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!”

Ob/Gyn: “Do what?”

Me: “Block my hand.”

Ob/Gyn: “Like I said, I’m not a ghost.”

Me: “I knew it! You’re not real; this is all a dream. I think I can control it.”

(At this point, he stops talking and directs my bed into a recovery room. On the way, I hear a beeping sound, probably someone’s heart monitor going off.)

Me: “I did that.”

[florida80]

How Are Flu?

Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Patients, USA, Virginia | Healthy | April 6, 2018


(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)

Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”

Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”

(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)

Me: “Well, not good good.”

Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”

[florida80]

But Some Humans Don’t Have Brains

Colorado, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 5, 2018


(This was heard by my friend who works as a janitor in the vet hospital:)

Customer: “Dogs have lungs?!“

[florida80]

Some Patients Can Be An Arm-ful

Australia, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Perth, Silly, Western Australia | Healthy | April 5, 2018


(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)

Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”

Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”

(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “All righty, all done.”

(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me:)

Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”

Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”

Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”

(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)

Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”

(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)

[florida80]

Some Business Starts In The Garage

Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018


(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)

Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”

Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”

(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)

Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”

Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”

Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”

Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”

Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*

Me: “Pooping in the garage?”

Vet: “Pooping in the garage.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)

[florida80]

Left You Feeling Cold(sore)

Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)

Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”

Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”

(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”

Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”

(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)

Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”

Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”

Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”

(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”

Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”

Me: “No, why?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”

Me: “He said my blood was normal.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”

(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)

[florida80]

Opposable Definitions

Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

[florida80]

A Little Bird Googled Me

Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

[florida80]

Smoking Is Always A Double Negative

England, Hospital, Language & Words, Nurses, UK | Healthy | March 31, 2018


(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”

Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”

[florida80]

I Am Apregnant

Doctor/Physician, England, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018


(I go to the doctor due to being on my period for five weeks. The conversation is fairly routine; he asks if I’ve changed my diet and about what my period is normally like — he seems a bit freaked out when I say it is normally only two weeks — but overall it seems to be going well. He then asks if I could be pregnant.)

Me: “I can very safely say I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Oh? What contraception are you using?”

Me: “Asexuality.”

(Normally when I say that, the doctor just nods and continues with questions, or asks if I want to consider long-term birth control “as a precaution,” but otherwise just drops the subject. This guy lost it, ranting about proper birth control and about how I, a 25-year-old woman, “should know better by now.” No, I don’t know what he meant by that. I let him rant for a few minutes, and when he finally calmed down, I said, “It means I’m a virgin.” He blinked, apologised quietly, and gave me some pills for the actual reason I was there. I left after making a note of his name so I could make a complaint.)

[florida80]

Has No Heart For Others

England, Jerk, London, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018


(My cousin is sitting in the reception area, waiting for his appointment with the doctor, when a gentleman who is also waiting suddenly has a heart attack. The receptionist screams for help, all the doctors come running, and while they are busy administering CPR, the receptionist calls for an ambulance. The receptionist then prepares to go outside, to guide the paramedics to the right location when they arrive. My cousin, along with all the other patients in the waiting area, keep out of the way to allow the doctors to work on the gentleman… all except one patient, who arrived in the midst of all the chaos, hasn’t registered what is going on — or simply doesn’t care — and is therefore standing at the reception desk, huffing in indignation.)

Patient: “Well, really! Where do you think you’re going? I have an appointment! And I’m in a hurry, so I expect to be seen on time.”

Receptionist: *looks pointedly down at the floor, where the doctors were still administering CPR* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid all the doctors are a bit busy right now, TRYING TO SAVE THIS GENTLEMAN’S LIFE!”

[florida80]

Use Your Head Before You See The Head Injury

Hospital, Jerk, Strangers, USA, Utah | Healthy | March 28, 2018


(One evening, as I am working, I end up standing up and smacking my head against a shelf, leading to a head wound that starts bleeding rather profusely. I clean up a bit and get an old rag to hold over the injury. My manager gets one of my co-workers to drive me over to the ER to get checked out. We arrive, and start to get checked in, when an old man speaks up behind me.)

Old Man: “F****** kid, bumped his head and trying to get attention. Go home, you p****! There are people that actually need to be here!”

(I turned, because I was not quite sure if he was talking to me, revealing the side of my face that had a few streaks of blood down it that I hadn’t managed to clean up. Right as I turned, a new line of blood leaked out and rolled down the side of my face, as well. The old man jumped and actually half-slid out of his seat, before standing up and scurrying over to a chair across the waiting area from where I was. I got checked in, and they confirmed that it was just a typical head wound, no concussion or internal bleeding. As I left, I spotted the old man being let in, and he turned away, beet red. Maybe he’ll learn to not be so quick to judge.)

[florida80]

Morphine Makes You Mellow And Mallow

Hospital, Kentucky, Silly, USA | Healthy | March 26, 2018


(I broke my leg and have just been loaded into the ambulance. The paramedic gives me some morphine. I get a little silly once the drugs kick in.)

Me: *to paramedic* “Oh, you smell so goooooood.”

(Once I get to the hospital, they temporarily sedate me to set my leg. I wake up as they are wrapping my leg in gauze. My leg is puffy and white.)

Me: “Hashtag marshmallow!”

[florida80]

Time To Liquor Your Wounds

Extra Stupid, Friends, home, USA | Healthy | March 25, 2018


(I just got into a pretty bad car crash. I refuse medical assistance because, well, that’s expensive. I call my boyfriend to help me, and he brings his buddy who always brags about being an ex-Marine medic. In my shock, I keep insisting we go to the home of a friend whose cats I am taking care of, saying that we can’t let them starve. We get there. I’m bleeding everywhere, my face is swelling, and my hand is turning blue for some reason.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll feed the cats. You just sit down. Wait. You need ice. I’ll get ice!”

Buddy: “You need to clean out these cuts. Does your friend have rubbing alcohol?”

Me: “I don’t know. She’s got three bathrooms in this place. Look around.”

(They run around like headless chickens for a minute.)

Buddy: “I don’t see any.”

Me: “There is a store up the road.”

(He disappears and comes back five minutes later, holding a vodka bottle.)

Buddy: “They didn’t have rubbing alcohol. I got this!”

Me: “Where did you go?”

Buddy: “The gas station.”

Me: “And you didn’t notice the drug store on the other corner?! Give me that.” *I take a big swig straight from the bottle* “It will do, but I’m never calling you for rescue again.”

Boyfriend: “What about me?”

Me: “Are the cats fed?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “I’ll call you; just don’t bring him with.”

(And yes, I did clean out my wounds with vodka, because the buddy didn’t want to go out again, and my boyfriend was afraid I would get up the in-shock energy to kill said buddy if we were left alone together. Good times.)

[florida80]

Walk In-Sane

British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, Vancouver | Healthy | March 24, 2018


(I’m a patient sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic. Although I try not to, I overhear the following conversation, as the patient is being extremely loud.)

Patient: “I want to see [Doctor].”

Receptionist: “I’ll see if I can get her for you, but if it’s urgent, we try to send patients in to doctors as they become available, and [Doctor] will be off the clock in twenty minutes. You’ll probably be waiting longer than that.”

Patient: “My friend told me [Doctor] is the best one, and I came on a Thursday because he said she works on Thursdays!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry you were inconvenienced, ma’am. In future, if it’s urgent, please come in right away. All our doctors are fully qualified to help you.”

Patient: “Well, what about next Thursday? Will she be in, then?”

Receptionist: “Again, if you come late in the day, she may not be able to help you.”

Patient: “I can’t come any earlier! I’m at work until five, and I’m sure as hell not going to take time off if you can’t guarantee that I’ll even get to see the right doctor! This is absolutely ridiculous! I’m coming in next Thursday at 5:30, and I expect to see [Doctor]!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, it doesn’t work like that.”

Patient: “Well, why the hell not?!”

Receptionist: “Because asking to see a specific doctor at a specific time is called an appointment, and this is a walk-in clinic.”

Patient: *glares at the receptionist, crumples up her sign-in sheet, and stalks out the door*

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Illinois, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 23, 2018


(I work in a hospital in a mid-sized city as a CNA. We like to refer to our dietary service as “Room Service” for some reason. A patient hits the call light.)

Patient: “I need to talk to you about my diet. Room service won’t let me order hardly anything on the menu.”

(I call down to room service. Apparently, the patient has eggs listed on her allergies in her chart, so naturally, they won’t allow her to order anything with eggs in it. This is kind of a problem at breakfast time. I head back into the room.)

Me: “It seems that our dietary department has eggs listed as one your allergies.”

Patient: *deep sigh* “No, I’m not allergic to eggs. I’m allergic to egg yolks.”

Me: *with a look of confusion on my face* “Um, I’ve never heard of that. What happens when you eat egg yolks?”

Patient: “They make me gag, but I can eat scrambled eggs with no problem. As long as they’re mixed in, they don’t bother me.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s an allergy; I think you just don’t like runny yolks.”

(It took me a full four hours of bugging the nurse and the doctor to change this woman’s diet, because this woman in her sixties didn’t know the difference between allergies and foods she doesn’t like.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12

Health & Body, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(I’m a manager for a popular casual restaurant. I receive a phone call from an upset customer.)

Caller: “Why don’t you offer allergy menus? My daughter almost died from eating calamari! Why would you serve her something that she is allergic to, and she’s pregnant!”

Me: “I do apologize for your daughter’s condition and we do offer a dozen different types of menus which do include an allergen menu, nutritional menus, large print menus, etc.”

Caller: “How am I supposed to know you have these menus?!”

Me: “Did you ask? Also, if your daughter knew she was allergic to calamari, why would she order it?”

Caller: “She didn’t know she was allergic to it! That’s why I was asking about the allergen menu!”

Me: “Okay, so, if she doesn’t know that she is allergic to calamari, how are we supposed to know?”

Caller: *realizes the paradox* “Well, she’s pregnant and I am really scared.”

(I’m a mom of two.)

Me: “I understand you are scared and when a person is pregnant their body goes through a lot of changes; consult with the doctor and I hope she will be okay.”

(I never got a call back I wonder if she still thinks we should automatically know if someone is allergic to something.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 11

Restaurant | Right | February 22, 2017


(I work in a southwestern-themed restaurant, and many of our recipes include similar spices, just in different amounts. Onion is one of the most prominent ingredients in our recipes, and we sometimes get a request for ‘no onion’ in certain items. We can make some things, but it’d be pretty much just lettuce, cheese, and any number of fresh chopped vegetables that aren’t onion or mixed with anything that has onion in it. As such, I get this man in line.)

Customer: “I’d like a burrito.”

Me: “Okay, would you like that with or without guacamole today?”

Customer: “With.”

(The guacamole has onion in it.)

Me: “What kind of meat on your burrito?”

Customer: “Chicken.”

(The chicken has onion in the seasoning.)

Me: “Any rice or beans?”

Customer: “Sure, I’ll take [rice with onion in it], and [beans with onion in them].”

Me: “Any grilled vegetables?”

Customer: “Ooh, no, thank you. I’m allergic to onion.”

Me: “Sir… if you’re allergic to onions then I highly suggest you don’t eat this burrito. There is a load of onion in it already.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m only allergic to onion that I can see.”

(Eight years of culinary experience, and this is the first time I’ve heard that excuse. I made him his burrito – leaving off anything with visible onion – and he went on his way. No complaints yet.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 10

Restaurant | Right | September 27, 2016


(I am a cashier at a restaurant. We are a small business and the owners are still working on the perfect way to run the business. A couple walks in and orders at the counter as usual. After finding a table, the woman returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me; do you have any larger chairs? My husband is too large to fit in these.”

(I know we don’t have any, but I go in the back to ask the owner for advice anyway. I return to the counter with no real solution.)

Me: *”No, ma’am. We don’t have any larger chairs; I’m sorry for your husband’s discomfort.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks anyway.”

(She goes back to her table, visibly upset. The husband returns to fill his drink, and I notice he is wearing an adult bib. They eat all their food with seemingly no complaints. They talk for a few minutes, and then the wife returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m having an allergic reaction. Is the manager around?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me go grab the owner for you.”

Owner: “What’s wrong, ma’am ?”

Customer: “My throat is itchy. I’m allergic to something in your food. Could you name the ingredients for me?”

Owner: *names every ingredient in the food she and her husband has eaten*

Customer: “I’m not allergic to any of that.”

Owner: “I’m sorry, ma’am, then you didn’t have an allergic reaction here.”

Customer: *becoming more angry by the second* “I said my throat is itchy and I’m having an allergic reaction! Don’t you care at all about your customers?”

Owner: “Would you like me to call an ambulance?”

Customer: “No! I’m fine! We were just leaving!”

(She pulled her husband out the door. He seemed indifferent to her “allergic reaction.” He even waved to us on the way out.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 9

Sandwich Shop | Right | June 24, 2016


(I work in a busy sandwich shop in a retail centre. It’s relatively quiet when a man and his two sons enter. They are regulars, but are usually rude. The father ignores us and plays with his phone while the kids order.)

Me: “And what salad would you like?”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *reels off salads* “…and onions. And [burger sauce].”

Me: *wraps his sandwich for him and hands it over before moving on*

(A few minutes after the father has paid, he storms back to the counter with Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ’s sandwich.)

Father: “There are onions in here. He cannot eat onions. He is allergic!”

Me: *worried about the allergy* “I’m so sorry! Do you need me to call emergency services?!

Father: “What? No. He’s just allergic!”

Me: *I’m confused, but relieved more than anything* “Okay, I’m very sorry! I’ll make you a new one straight away.”

(I make the new sandwich as before, and ask the boy over to tell me his salad items again.)

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *reels off his salads* “And onion.”

Me: *hesitates* “I’m sorry, but your father asked me not to add onions.”

Father: *from other side of restaurant* “NO ONIONS!”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *sighs* “Fine. But I want the [burger sauce]!”

Me: “I’m afraid that sauce has onions—”

Father: “NO ONION!”

Me: “—is there anything else I can offer you?”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I just want the d*** [burger sauce]!”

Father: *storms up to counter* “He can have the sauce!”

Me: “The [burger sauce] contains onions so I’m not comf—”

Father: “Just give him the sauce!”

Me: *shrugs and puts the sauce on, adding extra when asked before wrapping the sandwich up*

Father: *snatches sandwich before I can bag it* “No onion! Was that so hard to understand?” *storms off again*

(They spent the rest of their meal glaring at me while I worked and left their mess all over the table, including the original sandwich they rejected. When I went to clean up, I find all of the onion had been removed from the sandwich and was nowhere to be seen.)

[florida80]

Pregnant With A New Perspective

Canada, Hospital, Nurses, Ottawa, Patients | Healthy | March 21, 2018


(I have been sent to the radiology department within the ER for an urgent chest x-ray. When the technician asks me if it is possible I am pregnant, I have a mental glitch — I have a language-based learning disability — and my brain takes a good 30 seconds to interpret the question. Since I hesitated, the technician turfs me back to Family Medicine for a pregnancy test. I am upset at having to spend longer in the hospital while sick, as well as the effort to walk across the hospital and back. The nurse administering the test is also upset for having her work interrupted for the test.)

Me: “I tried telling him I would have to have the gestation of an elephant to still be pregnant two years after last having sex.”

Nurse: *annoyed, slamming objects as the test is performed* “Yes, you couldn’t even be on ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ [reality TV show] by this point.”

Me: “And he’s going to throw me in the back of the line, so I’ll wait all over again. I’m on bed rest. I just want to be — and should be — at home, but we have to go through this! So, I took 30 seconds to answer the question, but I answered it! I don’t know why he just didn’t believe my disability.”

Nurse: *still annoyed* “Belief in your honesty has nothing to do with it. He wouldn’t be allowed to interpret; the policy is that anything other than a ‘quick no’ has to be investigated.”

(I pause for a moment as this sinks in. My tone becomes lower and calmer, and my speech slows as this new perspective hits me.)

Me: “I hadn’t thought of that. That makes sense. While he wouldn’t have any reason to believe I’m lying, he also has no ability to know if I am telling the truth, since my disability isn’t on the test request. He probably gets women who hesitate because they are in denial. This policy may annoy a lot, but probably saves a few zygotes from harm.”

(The nurse stops what she is doing for a moment in thought.)

Nurse: *obviously calmer* “Yeah, the policy probably does save those precious few.”

(We’re silent for the rest of the test, but the tension in the air around us has dissipated. The test is negative, and she signs a slip for me to take back to the x-ray technician. I take it and smile at her.)

Me: “Thank you. And I’m sorry about the interruption. I hope you can get back into your rhythm easily.”

Nurse: “Thanks, and I hope they manage to rush you through, and get you back to bed. Feel better!”

(It is amazing the difference perspective can make! And, while the technician had another patient when I arrived, he took me next, and even defended me when people complained I had jumped the line. [“She waited in line before, so she doesn’t have to wait now!”] I got upset for nothing — except the exhausting trek through the hospital!)

[florida80]

Looking After Dogs Is As Easy As Pie

California, Extra Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 19, 2018


(When canine patients need a little more fiber added to their diet, the doctor will often advise the owner to add a spoonful of canned pumpkin to the food. One day we get a phone call from an owner to whom we recommended pumpkin.)

Owner: “I ran out of pumpkin pie. Can I use apple pie, instead?”

[florida80]

750,000 Reasons To Quit

Bad Behavior, California, Great Stuff, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 18, 2018


(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

[florida80]

The Breast Way To Revive Someone

Canada, Health & Body, School, Silly | Healthy | March 16, 2018


(I am taking a first aid training course as part of a job requirement. Every student in the class is male, and the only female is the instructor.)

Instructor: “Now we’re going to go over Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, or CPR. Let’s go grab our test dummies.”

(The test dummies used for CPR practice are realistic replicas of a woman’s head and torso. A lot of the students feel uncomfortable with this practice, as it involves undressing the dummy and pushing on its chest.)

Instructor: “Come on! You’re all big boys, now. Put some muscle into it! This is literally the only time it’s legal for you to grab an unconscious woman’s boobs!”

[florida80]

Should Have “Left” The Slicing To The Experts

California, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | March 15, 2018


(I am using a V-slicer to slice potatoes into French fries to soak overnight before going to bed. I slip while using it and slice open the side of my left hand, all the way to the bone. I manage to wrap it and drive myself to an emergency room — the emergency clinics are all closed for the night — and get stitches. Since I am not an emergency, I have to wait five hours before I am fully treated. After my hand is cleaned, stitched, and bandaged, a nurse brings me some discharge papers to sign. She notices me signing with my left hand.)

Nurse: “Oh, you’re left-handed? I’ve heard that left-handed people are really smart. Is that true?”

Me: “I’m sitting in an emergency room at three in the morning because I sliced my hand open making French fries. What do you think?”

Nurse: *laughs*

[florida80]

The Insurance Is The Assurance

Florida, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | March 14, 2018


(My spouse is on an organ transplant list. One of the many requirements is that you must always show up to your appointments unless you call with a really good reason. Failure to do so can get you thrown off the list. The transplant coordinator calls me and tells my that my spouse never showed up for an appointment with one of the doctors. I inform her that he most certainly did. He even had to leave a very important meeting at his office in order to do so. But the doctor’s receptionist and nurse told the coordinator that he didn’t show up for the appointment. This goes back and forth between the coordinator, the nurse, the receptionist, and me for over a week. The coordinator knows my husband and doesn’t believe for a second that he just blew the appointment off, but both the nurse and receptionist are adamant.)

Me: “Hey, [Coordinator], the next time you talk to [Receptionist] or [Nurse], tell them I am notifying my insurance company, because I have paperwork that says my insurance company paid out for an appointment, so in that case, the doctor’s office is committing insurance fraud.”

(The coordinator called me back the next day laughing because “all of a sudden” they found the paperwork showing my husband HAD shown up for the appointment. We are, however, changing doctors with the help of the coordinator.)

[florida80]

Totally Crackers About Their Self-Importance

Crazy Requests, Emergency Services, Hospital, Jerk, Montana, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 13, 2018


(I work in an emergency room. It’s late morning when a well-dressed woman of late middle-age registers. She states that she was just in a serious accident and must be seen immediately. Although we know that we hear about serious in-town accidents right away, sometimes a serious accident does occur in the country and the victims may be brought in by private vehicle. They usually have on outdoor-appropriate clothing rather than clean high heels, but we still hustle the patient back quickly. Once in a bed, she relates that the “serious accident” occurred hours ago, in town, at a speed she calls “much less than 20 miles per hour.” She has driven here in the car involved. She gets an exam and a neck x-ray. Then, she complains:)

Patient: “This is taking too long. I am diabetic and haven’t eaten breakfast. You have to feed me.”

(It’s about 11:30 am.)

Me: “What have you been doing since the accident?”

Patient: “I went to see a lawyer first, then came straight to the hospital.”

Me: *sighs* “We’ll get you some crackers and peanut butter.”

Patient: “No, I’m in the mood for an egg salad sandwich.”

Me: *finally had enough* “This is not a restaurant, and we don’t have egg salad sandwiches lying around to give out!”

(She got her crackers and peanut butter.)

[florida80]

It’s A Man’s World Of Pain

Australia, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Victoria | Healthy | March 12, 2018


I have an eight-and-a-bit-month-old child, and I’ve been having some pain during sex, so I book in to see my OB-GYN.

The appointment is really straightforward and I’m told to go get a cream. I also have a birth control rod inserted whilst I’m there. I wander over to the pharmacy and hand over my script. I’m not asked for my Medicare card, but I’m asked if I have concession.

I reply no, with no more thought into the answer. I wait and collect my script and note that I’ve been charged a concession price. Not thinking too much into it, and thinking that I must have one linked to my Medicare card, I pay the $12.80 instead of $50 to $80 for my items and head back across the road.

I get the rod implanted and continue about my day, a bit perplexed how I got charged concession. It’s not until later that night when I’m reading the script again that I realise they’ve put it under the wrong name. I’m a Mrs. [My Name], and they put it under a Mr. [Same Name].

I burst out laughing that they have given a man vaginal cream and contraception, at an OB-GYN.

[florida80]

Trying To Seize Some Sympathy

Delaware, Emergency Services, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pets & Animals, USA | Healthy | March 11, 2018


(I am in high school, and I come home to one of my two dogs having had a severe stroke. I hold her the entire way to the vet and stay at the office while they put her down. My remaining dog is my favorite dog of all time. One day, around five am, I go downstairs to find him having a seizure. I can’t drive, my parents are at work an hour away, and no vet offices are open around me. I am panicking so badly that I decide to call 911.)

Operator: “You have reached a 911 operator. What is your emergency?”

Me: *through panic and tears* “My dog is having a seizure and I don’t know what to do!”

Operator: “You will have to dial a vet. This is for emergencies.”

Me: “There are no vets open around me! Please tell me what I should do. Is there anywhere I can call? Anyone who can help me?”

Operator: “Look. You need to calm down and just call a vet. This is an emergency service.”

(I ended up hanging up and repeatedly calling my parents until one of them answered. Eventually an adult arrived and comforted my dog for the three hours until a vet opened. My dog died that day. People still joke about me calling 911 over a dog having a seizure.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 15

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Emergency Services, Georgia, Revolting, USA | Healthy | March 10, 2018


(I am a brand new EMT; I’ve had my license less than six months. I am working for a non-emergency transport service that specializes in psych patients. I go to a hospital to pick up a patient going to a mental health facility for a court-mandated 72-hour hold. The nurse advises me that the patient tried to overdose on some pills after a family crisis, but has been calm and cooperative since being in the ER. My partner and I introduce ourselves to the patient, get her on the stretcher, and load her into the ambulance. I begin to assess her.)

Me: “Do you have any pain anywhere?”

Patient: “Yeah, my stomach is hurting from my cycle. Can you give me anything for that?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I cannot give medications.” *pain medication is not within my scope of practice*

(I finish my assessment and start on my patient care report. All the while, the patient continues to complain about her pain. I advise her that I will tell the receiving facility about it as soon as we get there so the doctor can give her something, but in the meantime I get a heat pack out of the cabinet and give it to her with a towel. At about the halfway point of a two-hour trip, the patient announces that she has to use the restroom.)

Patient: “I have real bad diarrhea and I need to go now.”

Me: “Well, I don’t have a bedpan, and we cannot stop, so I need you to hold it.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it.”

Me: *to partner* “Hey, we are in [Town], right? I need you to divert to [Hospital] so I can take her into the ER. She needs to use the bathroom.”

Partner: “Can’t she hold it?”

Me: “She said no, and I would rather not have to deal with the smell.”

Partner: “Okay.”

(We get another five minutes down the road and the patient manages to slip out of all restraints and stands up.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need you to sit on the stretcher and put your seatbelts back on. If we were to get in a wreck or if my partner made a sharp turn you could be hurt.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it anymore. I’m going to s*** my pants.” *begins to undo her pants*

Me: *to partner* “Hey, pull over. She is off of the stretcher and she is about to s*** on the floor.”

Partner: “What?! Put a sheet down first.”

(As I put a sheet down I plead with the patient to reconsider, to no avail. The patient proceeds to force herself to defecate, urinate, and menstruate on the sheet. She does not have diarrhea and definitely could have held it. After the patient finishes, she uses her clothes to wipe herself and sits back down, half-naked, on my stretcher. I cover her with a sheet, re-secure her belts, turn on the exhaust fan, and try not to breath any more than absolutely necessary.)

Me: *to partner* “Hey, I need you to get there fast; I can’t take this.”

(For the next thirty minutes, the patient sits silently on the stretcher. When she realizes her previous attempt for pain meds was unsuccessful, she decides to up the ante.)

Patient: “My stomach is still hurting so bad. Can you please give something now?”

Me: “No. Like I said before, I can’t give pain medications.”

(The patient goes on a rant for several minutes before becoming silent again. Just when I think we might get to the destination without further excitement, the patient puts her fingers in her mouth and causes herself to vomit all over the floor.)

Me: “Seriously? What makes you think this is helping your cause?”

Patient: “Why don’t you just give me something for pain?”

Me: “I am an EMT basic. I can assess you, take vitals, and do CPR. Only a paramedic can give pain medications, and they still would not give you any, because menstrual cramps don’t qualify for narcotics use.”

(The patient continues to complain, but we have no further trouble until we get to the mental health facility. The patient tries to beat up the orderly after they tell her she will have to be seen by the doctor before she can get anything for pain. As we are decontaminating the truck, my partner looks at me.)

Partner: “I have been in EMS for 12 years, and I have to say, that was a first.”

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 14

Australia, Criminal & Illegal, Harassment, New South Wales, Retail, Rude & Risque, Sydney | Right | October 20, 2017


(I am working in a two-storey men’s clothing store. It is almost closing time, and I am the only one working on the bottom floor, when an elderly man shuffles in and approaches me.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh…” *stares at me for a while*

Me: “Yes? Is there anything you were looking for?”

Customer: *continues staring*

Me: *slightly creeped out, but keeps smiling* “Okay, well, let me know if you need anything!”

Customer: *suddenly points to a pair of display pants* “Get me those in XL.”

(I tell the customer to stay while I run upstairs to fetch the requested pants. However, when I come back down, the man’s pants are down and his family jewels are on full display.)

Customer: *still staring creepily at me* “You’re pretty.”

Me: *slowly turns around and goes back upstairs*

(I quit a few days later.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 13

Clothing Store, Crazy Requests, Golden Years, Revolting, USA, Utah | Right | October 13, 2017


(It’s a quiet Sunday morning, and I’m the only cashier. An older man who looks at least 70 hobbles up to my register and places a shirt on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to get this shirt, and I was told you could also take the sensor tag off these pants I’m wearing so I can buy them.”

Me: “Uh, the pants you have on right now? They’re from here?”

Customer: “Yes. Trying them on tuckered me out, and the girl in the fitting room said you could remove the sensor tag up here at the register.”

(Our sensor-removers are secured to the counter, and I know for a fact that there’s no way this man could manage holding his leg up to get the sensor tag taken off. I stammer for a moment before remembering an unattached sensor tag remover we used for our express lane on Black Friday months ago.)

Me: “Right! Let me just see if someone can get us the sensor-remover we need.”

(I ask over the radio and receive some confusion over why I would need it, but eventually my manager says she’ll go to the lock box in the back and get it.)

Me: “All right, [Manager] is just grabbing that sensor-remover, and then you’ll be good to go!”

Customer: “But I was told that you could remove the sensor tag.”

Me: “Yeah, we can; it’s just that our normal removers are attached to the counter. [Manager] is grabbing the unattached one right now.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve already stood here longer than I can handle. If I have to go take the pants off, I just won’t buy them.”

Me: “No, it’s all right. The sensor-remover is on its way up right now; don’t worry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was told the sensor could be removed. I won’t buy the pants if I have to go take them off.”

(I’m taken aback by how angry the customer is getting, but thankfully my confused manager arrives at that moment with the unattached remover. I go around the counter and have to crouch down to try and remove the sensor at the bottom of the customer’s pants leg. It’s a tricky process, and I notice the man is balancing on one foot, so I tell him he can put his foot down if it would make him more comfortable.)

Customer: “Actually, I have an open sore on that foot.”

Me: *freezes* “Uh, where is that exactly, so I don’t bump it?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just on the bottom of my foot.”

(With that gross image in mind, I was finally able to get the sensor removed from the pants. I then had to pull all the tags and stickers off of the pants, getting much closer and more touchy-feely with the customer than I would have ever wanted to. He left without so much as a “thank you,” and I promptly took a much needed break to shake off the heebie-jeebies the whole interaction gave me.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 12

Books & Reading, Library, Rude & Risque, USA | Right | August 22, 2017


(I am a reference librarian at a public library. We get a number of reference questions by phone. In particular, there is one elderly woman who as far as we know has never been in the library, but calls nearly every day to ask a question that is usually related to something in pop culture — for example, the name of an actor on a TV show she has watched. She’s a very sweet lady, so we always do our best to help her. One Saturday afternoon, my supervisor and I are together at the desk in the reference room, which is full of people but still fairly quiet. Anyone in the room could easily hear us on the phone. Our friend calls and my supervisor answers the phone.)

Supervisor: “Oh, hello, Mrs. Smith. How are you? How can we help you today?”

(She pauses to listen and her eyes get huge. She looks at me, looks around the room, and then suddenly GETS DOWN UNDER THE DESK and speaks very quietly into the phone, while I stare in astonishment. A moment later, she re-appears and hangs up the phone.)

Me: *confused*

Supervisor: *whispers* “She’s reading a book and wanted to know what a strap-on is.”

[florida80]

The Kind Of Things You Say After Having Too Many Shots

Funny Kids, Health & Body, home, Siblings, USA | Healthy | March 9, 2018


Younger Brother: *whining* “Why do we need to get shots?”

Me: “Because they make you feel better.”

Younger Brother: “But don’t the shots make holes in your bones?”

[florida80]

All I’m Getting Is Snake-Eyes

Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Reception, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 9, 2018


(I come home to find that one of my pet snake’s eyes appears to be injured in some way. Since this is my first pet reptile, and I am not sure if this is something that needs immediate attention, I call the veterinary hospital of a very prestigious vet school nearby. Since it’s relatively late in the day, all the vets have left, but there are receptionists on call 24 hours a day.)

Receptionist: “Hi, you’ve called [Vet Hospital]. How can I help you?”

Me: *explains problem with my snake’s eye*

Receptionist: “I see. Is he blinking normally?”

Me: “Um… It’s a snake. It doesn’t have eyelids.”

[florida80]

Seizing Control Of The Schedule

Bosses & Owners, California, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Jerk, Los Angeles, Office, USA | Healthy | March 8, 2018


(I work Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. My daughter has been having some health issues and recently started having grand mal seizures which require the school to call me to come pick her up. All my coworkers know this. My boss is trying to cover some shifts and asks me:)

Boss: “Can you cover some of the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday shifts?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. My daughter has been having seizures; she had to be picked up Thursday and Friday last week.”

Boss: “So, Friday is the only day you can’t work?”

Me: “No, I don’t have an emergency person to pick her up Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Boss: “So, she’s scheduled to have seizures on every Thursday and Friday?”

Me: “No. We don’t schedule her seizures.”

Boss: “Well, can you schedule them, then? We really need these shifts covered.”

(Best part is, we work in healthcare!)

[florida80]

A Depressing Statistic

Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Psychiatrist, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | March 7, 2018


(I have severe ADD and take Ritalin. I have been seeing a psychiatrist every six months for over a decade because it’s necessary to keep my prescription up, but normally we don’t do anything else. He asks me if I’m having side effects, I say no, he asks how school, work, or whatever is going, I tell him, he writes me a new prescription, and we’re done.)

Doctor: “And how are your classes going?”

Me: “Pretty well, except for this one lab where the whole grade is based on group work and my groupmates have disappeared…”

(I’m very frustrated with my classmates, and as I explain the problem with the lab, I start crying.)

Doctor: “Here, take these tissues! I had no idea you were so depressed. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine, and I want you to come back in a week for a follow-up.”

Me: “What? No, I’m just sleep-deprived! Your office is an hour from my house, and you get behind schedule so fast that my mom insists I book an appointment at seven am. I had to get up at 5:30 to be here! I’m a night owl; I get up at 10 or 11 if I don’t have anything I have to do earlier. I always cry too easily when I’m tired.”

(He doesn’t believe me and prescribes the medication, anyway. A week later, I’m back in his office.)

Doctor: “How are you feeling? If we need to, we can adjust the dosage before your next follow-up next week.”

Me: “Fine, like I was before, when I had slept. I know antidepressants take a while to kick in, but I don’t think these are ever going to affect me, because I’m not depressed. And I really can’t afford to keep experimenting with them; you know I don’t have insurance.”

Doctor: “I tried to find the cheapest antidepressants I could. I thought these were only about $10 a bottle.”

Me: “Come here. I want to tell you a secret.”

(He comes closer.)

Me: “You know those nice ladies behind the window in your lobby? They make people give them money before we can talk to you.”

(It had never occurred to him that visiting a psychiatrist every week instead of every six months might be a little pricey! I went off the antidepressants and am fine, as long as I don’t have to get up before dawn. Doctors, I know that lots of people really are depressed and it’s a serious problem, but people also know their own bodies, minds, and situations. It helps to listen.)

[florida80]

Putting A Negative Image On Breeders

Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 6, 2018


(I work as a veterinary technician. We are preparing to perform a blood draw on a dog to test for a specific disease that affects the production of hormones from the adrenal glands. The dog in question is not neutered and is likely used as a show dog.)

Owner: “So, this disease you’re testing for, is it hereditary?”

Me: “Yes, the factors that cause this disease can be passed on in a dog’s genes.”

Owner: “So, like… If he tests positive, would you recommend not breeding him?”

Me: “If he does test positive, then we don’t recommend that you breed him, as there is a chance he could pass the gene onto his offspring.”

Owner: “But it’s only a recommendation, right? I could still breed him, regardless of the results?”

Me: “Sir, as a medical professional, it’s a very, very strong recommendation that you should not breed a dog if it is certain that he has a specific hereditary disease. There is a very high chance he would produce more dogs predisposed to developing the disease. It would also ruin your reputation as a breeder if you did this knowingly. So, let’s just hope he comes back negative.”

(The owner seemed satisfied with the answer, but it troubles me that he was still considering breeding the dog if the test came back positive.)

[florida80]

They’re Actually Allergic To Self-Control

Alcohol, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 5, 2018


(I work at an eye institute. One day, my coworker tells me about the following exchange.)

Coworker: “Do you have any allergies?”

Patient: “I’m allergic to whiskey.”

Coworker: “Okay… What kind of reaction did it give you?”

Patient: *completely serious* “It made me throw up.”

Coworker: “…”

[florida80]

Sexually-Transmitted Translation

Doctor/Physician, Hong Kong, Language & Words, LGBTQ, Medical Office | Healthy | March 4, 2018


(I am a foreign college student and I need to see a gynecologist for the first time. I also need to fill out a medical information form that’s all in Chinese.)

Receptionist: “Can you read Chinese?”

Me: “The basics, but I have trouble with medical vocab.”

Receptionist: “Okay, start filling what you can and come back when there’s no line.”

(I do so and the receptionist translates while I answer.)

Receptionist: “Okay, this says, ‘Are you sexually active?’”

Me: *circles yes*

Receptionist: “Okay, and this says, ‘What protection do you use? Check all applicable.’”

Me: “Okay, does it say, ‘dental dam,’ somewhere?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “Um… for oral protection.”

Receptionist: “This is asking what you do to not get pregnant.”

Me: “So, it’s ‘contraceptive, ’ not ‘protection’?”

Receptionist: “Same thing.”

Me: “No… It isn’t. Okay, where does it ask for the gender of my partner?”

Receptionist: “Gender?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sexually active with women, not men.”

Receptionist: *long pause, looks around as if for help* “Then you put, ‘No,’ for sexually active and skip these questions.”

Me: “Don’t you care about me getting STDs?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “It means I can still get STDs, as I’m sexually active, but you want me to put, ‘No,’ for being sexually active.”

Receptionist: *blank stare* “Uh. Let me talk to the doctor.”

(I am not called back for a while, and when I am, it’s for the actual appointment.)

Doctor: “I’m sorry about the form. We never get people like you. Let’s continue.” *hands form back to me*

(I noticed next to the line asking about being sexually active, “lesbian” was written in, in English. She helped me fill the rest of the form, adding — in English — the details it didn’t support, with no further issues.)

[florida80]

Needs To Prescribe Some Anger-Management

Germany, Jerk, Pharmacy | Healthy | March 3, 2018


(I work at a call centre for a German online pharmacy. Unlike other pharmacies, we allow customers to pre-order medicines which requires prescriptions. It should go without saying, but we’re not allowed to ship orders that contain a prescription, until the original is sent to us by a postal service. There are also no shipping costs for our customer, if there is a prescription.)

Me: “Your [Pharmacy]. You are speaking with [My Name].”

Customer: “I placed an order last week at your store and it still hasn’t arrived. Where is it?”

Me: “Oh, that doesn’t sound so good. Could you please tell me your order number?”

(The customer doesn’t have it, so I search for her by name. It takes me a while to find her, as she has a very common name and doesn’t want to give me her postal code.)

Me: “Ah, there we have you. I’m afraid your prescription for [Medicine] hasn’t arrived yet.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I do not need a prescription for that order! Send them to me at once!”

(I try to stay cool.)

Me: “Ma’am, [Medicine] requires a prescription, by law. We cannot deliver this order until we have the original prescription.”

Customer: “Then you should at least have told me so!”

Me: “Our online store has classified this item as one that requires a prescription. You have also received an order confirmation that asks you for your prescription.”

Customer: “No, I never received a confirmation, so don’t dare lie to me!”

Me: “Uh… Ma’am, I do not understand; you received the confirmation on [date and time].”

Customer: “No, I never did; I’ll show you!”

(I can hear her typing and the sound of a mail program opening. She waits for a moment, and then she starts mumbling to herself.)

Customer: “’Dear Mrs. [Name], thank you for your order. Please send us your your original prescription by mail, so we can continue with that order.’”

(The customer wheezes angrily.)

Customer: “This is way too complicated with your store! Other pharmacies will send them to me immediately!”

Me: “Ma’am, even other pharmacies have to wait for your prescription, as [Medicine] requires one.”

Customer: “I will never order at your store ever again! I’ve never been insulted this badly in my entire life!”

(The customer called the next day. She made a new order

[florida80]

Some Business Starts In The Garage

Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018


(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)

Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”

Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”

(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)

Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”

Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”

Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”

Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”

Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*

Me: “Pooping in the garage?”

Vet: “Pooping in the garage.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)

[florida80]

Left You Feeling Cold(sore)

Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)

Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”

Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”

(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”

Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”

(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)

Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”

Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”

Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”

(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”

Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”

Me: “No, why?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”

Me: “He said my blood was normal.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”

(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)

[florida80]

Opposable Definitions

Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

[florida80]

A Little Bird Googled Me

Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

[florida80]

Smoking Is Always A Double Negative

England, Hospital, Language & Words, Nurses, UK | Healthy | March 31, 2018


(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”

Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”

[florida80]

I Am Apregnant

Doctor/Physician, England, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018


(I go to the doctor due to being on my period for five weeks. The conversation is fairly routine; he asks if I’ve changed my diet and about what my period is normally like — he seems a bit freaked out when I say it is normally only two weeks — but overall it seems to be going well. He then asks if I could be pregnant.)

Me: “I can very safely say I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Oh? What contraception are you using?”

Me: “Asexuality.”

(Normally when I say that, the doctor just nods and continues with questions, or asks if I want to consider long-term birth control “as a precaution,” but otherwise just drops the subject. This guy lost it, ranting about proper birth control and about how I, a 25-year-old woman, “should know better by now.” No, I don’t know what he meant by that. I let him rant for a few minutes, and when he finally calmed down, I said, “It means I’m a virgin.” He blinked, apologised quietly, and gave me some pills for the actual reason I was there. I left after making a note of his name so I could make a complaint.)

[florida80]

Has No Heart For Others

England, Jerk, London, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018


(My cousin is sitting in the reception area, waiting for his appointment with the doctor, when a gentleman who is also waiting suddenly has a heart attack. The receptionist screams for help, all the doctors come running, and while they are busy administering CPR, the receptionist calls for an ambulance. The receptionist then prepares to go outside, to guide the paramedics to the right location when they arrive. My cousin, along with all the other patients in the waiting area, keep out of the way to allow the doctors to work on the gentleman… all except one patient, who arrived in the midst of all the chaos, hasn’t registered what is going on — or simply doesn’t care — and is therefore standing at the reception desk, huffing in indignation.)

Patient: “Well, really! Where do you think you’re going? I have an appointment! And I’m in a hurry, so I expect to be seen on time.”

Receptionist: *looks pointedly down at the floor, where the doctors were still administering CPR* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid all the doctors are a bit busy right now, TRYING TO SAVE THIS GENTLEMAN’S LIFE!”

[florida80]

Use Your Head Before You See The Head Injury

Hospital, Jerk, Strangers, USA, Utah | Healthy | March 28, 2018


(One evening, as I am working, I end up standing up and smacking my head against a shelf, leading to a head wound that starts bleeding rather profusely. I clean up a bit and get an old rag to hold over the injury. My manager gets one of my co-workers to drive me over to the ER to get checked out. We arrive, and start to get checked in, when an old man speaks up behind me.)

Old Man: “F****** kid, bumped his head and trying to get attention. Go home, you p****! There are people that actually need to be here!”

(I turned, because I was not quite sure if he was talking to me, revealing the side of my face that had a few streaks of blood down it that I hadn’t managed to clean up. Right as I turned, a new line of blood leaked out and rolled down the side of my face, as well. The old man jumped and actually half-slid out of his seat, before standing up and scurrying over to a chair across the waiting area from where I was. I got checked in, and they confirmed that it was just a typical head wound, no concussion or internal bleeding. As I left, I spotted the old man being let in, and he turned away, beet red. Maybe he’ll learn to not be so quick to judge.)

[florida80]

Morphine Makes You Mellow And Mallow

Hospital, Kentucky, Silly, USA | Healthy | March 26, 2018


(I broke my leg and have just been loaded into the ambulance. The paramedic gives me some morphine. I get a little silly once the drugs kick in.)

Me: *to paramedic* “Oh, you smell so goooooood.”

(Once I get to the hospital, they temporarily sedate me to set my leg. I wake up as they are wrapping my leg in gauze. My leg is puffy and white.)

Me: “Hashtag marshmallow!”

[florida80]

Time To Liquor Your Wounds

Extra Stupid, Friends, home, USA | Healthy | March 25, 2018


(I just got into a pretty bad car crash. I refuse medical assistance because, well, that’s expensive. I call my boyfriend to help me, and he brings his buddy who always brags about being an ex-Marine medic. In my shock, I keep insisting we go to the home of a friend whose cats I am taking care of, saying that we can’t let them starve. We get there. I’m bleeding everywhere, my face is swelling, and my hand is turning blue for some reason.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll feed the cats. You just sit down. Wait. You need ice. I’ll get ice!”

Buddy: “You need to clean out these cuts. Does your friend have rubbing alcohol?”

Me: “I don’t know. She’s got three bathrooms in this place. Look around.”

(They run around like headless chickens for a minute.)

Buddy: “I don’t see any.”

Me: “There is a store up the road.”

(He disappears and comes back five minutes later, holding a vodka bottle.)

Buddy: “They didn’t have rubbing alcohol. I got this!”

Me: “Where did you go?”

Buddy: “The gas station.”

Me: “And you didn’t notice the drug store on the other corner?! Give me that.” *I take a big swig straight from the bottle* “It will do, but I’m never calling you for rescue again.”

Boyfriend: “What about me?”

Me: “Are the cats fed?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “I’ll call you; just don’t bring him with.”

(And yes, I did clean out my wounds with vodka, because the buddy didn’t want to go out again, and my boyfriend was afraid I would get up the in-shock energy to kill said buddy if we were left alone together. Good times.)

[florida80]

Walk In-Sane

British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients, Vancouver | Healthy | March 24, 2018


(I’m a patient sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic. Although I try not to, I overhear the following conversation, as the patient is being extremely loud.)

Patient: “I want to see [Doctor].”

Receptionist: “I’ll see if I can get her for you, but if it’s urgent, we try to send patients in to doctors as they become available, and [Doctor] will be off the clock in twenty minutes. You’ll probably be waiting longer than that.”

Patient: “My friend told me [Doctor] is the best one, and I came on a Thursday because he said she works on Thursdays!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry you were inconvenienced, ma’am. In future, if it’s urgent, please come in right away. All our doctors are fully qualified to help you.”

Patient: “Well, what about next Thursday? Will she be in, then?”

Receptionist: “Again, if you come late in the day, she may not be able to help you.”

Patient: “I can’t come any earlier! I’m at work until five, and I’m sure as hell not going to take time off if you can’t guarantee that I’ll even get to see the right doctor! This is absolutely ridiculous! I’m coming in next Thursday at 5:30, and I expect to see [Doctor]!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, it doesn’t work like that.”

Patient: “Well, why the hell not?!”

Receptionist: “Because asking to see a specific doctor at a specific time is called an appointment, and this is a walk-in clinic.”

Patient: *glares at the receptionist, crumples up her sign-in sheet, and stalks out the door*

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13

Extra Stupid, Hospital, Illinois, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 23, 2018


(I work in a hospital in a mid-sized city as a CNA. We like to refer to our dietary service as “Room Service” for some reason. A patient hits the call light.)

Patient: “I need to talk to you about my diet. Room service won’t let me order hardly anything on the menu.”

(I call down to room service. Apparently, the patient has eggs listed on her allergies in her chart, so naturally, they won’t allow her to order anything with eggs in it. This is kind of a problem at breakfast time. I head back into the room.)

Me: “It seems that our dietary department has eggs listed as one your allergies.”

Patient: *deep sigh* “No, I’m not allergic to eggs. I’m allergic to egg yolks.”

Me: *with a look of confusion on my face* “Um, I’ve never heard of that. What happens when you eat egg yolks?”

Patient: “They make me gag, but I can eat scrambled eggs with no problem. As long as they’re mixed in, they don’t bother me.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s an allergy; I think you just don’t like runny yolks.”

(It took me a full four hours of bugging the nurse and the doctor to change this woman’s diet, because this woman in her sixties didn’t know the difference between allergies and foods she doesn’t like.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12

Health & Body, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(I’m a manager for a popular casual restaurant. I receive a phone call from an upset customer.)

Caller: “Why don’t you offer allergy menus? My daughter almost died from eating calamari! Why would you serve her something that she is allergic to, and she’s pregnant!”

Me: “I do apologize for your daughter’s condition and we do offer a dozen different types of menus which do include an allergen menu, nutritional menus, large print menus, etc.”

Caller: “How am I supposed to know you have these menus?!”

Me: “Did you ask? Also, if your daughter knew she was allergic to calamari, why would she order it?”

Caller: “She didn’t know she was allergic to it! That’s why I was asking about the allergen menu!”

Me: “Okay, so, if she doesn’t know that she is allergic to calamari, how are we supposed to know?”

Caller: *realizes the paradox* “Well, she’s pregnant and I am really scared.”

(I’m a mom of two.)

Me: “I understand you are scared and when a person is pregnant their body goes through a lot of changes; consult with the doctor and I hope she will be okay.”

(I never got a call back I wonder if she still thinks we should automatically know if someone is allergic to something.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 11

Restaurant | Right | February 22, 2017


(I work in a southwestern-themed restaurant, and many of our recipes include similar spices, just in different amounts. Onion is one of the most prominent ingredients in our recipes, and we sometimes get a request for ‘no onion’ in certain items. We can make some things, but it’d be pretty much just lettuce, cheese, and any number of fresh chopped vegetables that aren’t onion or mixed with anything that has onion in it. As such, I get this man in line.)

Customer: “I’d like a burrito.”

Me: “Okay, would you like that with or without guacamole today?”

Customer: “With.”

(The guacamole has onion in it.)

Me: “What kind of meat on your burrito?”

Customer: “Chicken.”

(The chicken has onion in the seasoning.)

Me: “Any rice or beans?”

Customer: “Sure, I’ll take [rice with onion in it], and [beans with onion in them].”

Me: “Any grilled vegetables?”

Customer: “Ooh, no, thank you. I’m allergic to onion.”

Me: “Sir… if you’re allergic to onions then I highly suggest you don’t eat this burrito. There is a load of onion in it already.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m only allergic to onion that I can see.”

(Eight years of culinary experience, and this is the first time I’ve heard that excuse. I made him his burrito – leaving off anything with visible onion – and he went on his way. No complaints yet.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 10

Restaurant | Right | September 27, 2016


(I am a cashier at a restaurant. We are a small business and the owners are still working on the perfect way to run the business. A couple walks in and orders at the counter as usual. After finding a table, the woman returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me; do you have any larger chairs? My husband is too large to fit in these.”

(I know we don’t have any, but I go in the back to ask the owner for advice anyway. I return to the counter with no real solution.)

Me: *”No, ma’am. We don’t have any larger chairs; I’m sorry for your husband’s discomfort.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks anyway.”

(She goes back to her table, visibly upset. The husband returns to fill his drink, and I notice he is wearing an adult bib. They eat all their food with seemingly no complaints. They talk for a few minutes, and then the wife returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m having an allergic reaction. Is the manager around?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me go grab the owner for you.”

Owner: “What’s wrong, ma’am ?”

Customer: “My throat is itchy. I’m allergic to something in your food. Could you name the ingredients for me?”

Owner: *names every ingredient in the food she and her husband has eaten*

Customer: “I’m not allergic to any of that.”

Owner: “I’m sorry, ma’am, then you didn’t have an allergic reaction here.”

Customer: *becoming more angry by the second* “I said my throat is itchy and I’m having an allergic reaction! Don’t you care at all about your customers?”

Owner: “Would you like me to call an ambulance?”

Customer: “No! I’m fine! We were just leaving!”

(She pulled her husband out the door. He seemed indifferent to her “allergic reaction.” He even waved to us on the way out.)

[florida80]

Pregnant With A New Perspective

Canada, Hospital, Nurses, Ottawa, Patients | Healthy | March 21, 2018


(I have been sent to the radiology department within the ER for an urgent chest x-ray. When the technician asks me if it is possible I am pregnant, I have a mental glitch — I have a language-based learning disability — and my brain takes a good 30 seconds to interpret the question. Since I hesitated, the technician turfs me back to Family Medicine for a pregnancy test. I am upset at having to spend longer in the hospital while sick, as well as the effort to walk across the hospital and back. The nurse administering the test is also upset for having her work interrupted for the test.)

Me: “I tried telling him I would have to have the gestation of an elephant to still be pregnant two years after last having sex.”

Nurse: *annoyed, slamming objects as the test is performed* “Yes, you couldn’t even be on ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ [reality TV show] by this point.”

Me: “And he’s going to throw me in the back of the line, so I’ll wait all over again. I’m on bed rest. I just want to be — and should be — at home, but we have to go through this! So, I took 30 seconds to answer the question, but I answered it! I don’t know why he just didn’t believe my disability.”

Nurse: *still annoyed* “Belief in your honesty has nothing to do with it. He wouldn’t be allowed to interpret; the policy is that anything other than a ‘quick no’ has to be investigated.”

(I pause for a moment as this sinks in. My tone becomes lower and calmer, and my speech slows as this new perspective hits me.)

Me: “I hadn’t thought of that. That makes sense. While he wouldn’t have any reason to believe I’m lying, he also has no ability to know if I am telling the truth, since my disability isn’t on the test request. He probably gets women who hesitate because they are in denial. This policy may annoy a lot, but probably saves a few zygotes from harm.”

(The nurse stops what she is doing for a moment in thought.)

Nurse: *obviously calmer* “Yeah, the policy probably does save those precious few.”

(We’re silent for the rest of the test, but the tension in the air around us has dissipated. The test is negative, and she signs a slip for me to take back to the x-ray technician. I take it and smile at her.)

Me: “Thank you. And I’m sorry about the interruption. I hope you can get back into your rhythm easily.”

Nurse: “Thanks, and I hope they manage to rush you through, and get you back to bed. Feel better!”

(It is amazing the difference perspective can make! And, while the technician had another patient when I arrived, he took me next, and even defended me when people complained I had jumped the line. [“She waited in line before, so she doesn’t have to wait now!”] I got upset for nothing — except the exhausting trek through the hospital!)

[florida80]

Looking After Dogs Is As Easy As Pie

California, Extra Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 19, 2018


(When canine patients need a little more fiber added to their diet, the doctor will often advise the owner to add a spoonful of canned pumpkin to the food. One day we get a phone call from an owner to whom we recommended pumpkin.)

Owner: “I ran out of pumpkin pie. Can I use apple pie, instead?”

[florida80]

750,000 Reasons To Quit

Bad Behavior, California, Great Stuff, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 18, 2018


(Federal law requires that before administering any vaccine or prescribing any medication, there must be a current DCPR — doctor-client-patient-relationship. Basically, the doctor must have examined the pet within one year of the date. I have been called up front to help a new coworker with a client who doesn’t seem to understand this.)

Client: “I don’t need an exam. He’s healthy. Just give him the shot.”

Me: “But federal law says we have to.”

Client: “But he had an exam in January.”

Me: “Yes, January of last year, so we could have given him the shot this January, but it is now April.”

Client: “Well, what can I do? He needs the shot.”

Me: “We can examine him.”

Client: “But I don’t want to do that. Could my friend Benjamin Franklin convince you?”

Me: “Are you asking me to accept a bribe?”

Client: “Maybe.”

Me: “You realize that the exam is only 50 bucks, right?”

Client: “Yeah, but I don’t want to have him examined.”

Me: “So, you want me to break federal law, make the doctor lose her license, and all my coworkers and me find new jobs in new career fields. Yeah, that’s going to be more than $100.”

Client: “So, how much?”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.”

Client: “What?!”

Me: “Seven hundred and fifty thousand to break federal law; I think that’s cheap. Or 50 bucks for an exam.”

Client: “What times do you have on Tuesday?”

(After the client is scheduled and leaves…)

Coworker: “What would you have done if he said yes to the $750,000?”

Me: “Insisted he bring cash, and check all the bills for counterfeiting, then administer the vaccine. Tell the doctor, and split the money evenly among the whole staff.”

Coworker: “What?!”

Me: “Official company policy says that if someone wants to give you 15,000 times more than the price of the service, in cash, you are not to expected to turn them down. But accepting anything less, not getting cash, not checking it for fakes, or not splitting the bribe are all offenses that will get you fired. We’ve had that option for 30 years now; so far, nobody has ever taken us up on it. Can’t imagine why.”

[florida80]

The Breast Way To Revive Someone

Canada, Health & Body, School, Silly | Healthy | March 16, 2018


(I am taking a first aid training course as part of a job requirement. Every student in the class is male, and the only female is the instructor.)

Instructor: “Now we’re going to go over Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, or CPR. Let’s go grab our test dummies.”

(The test dummies used for CPR practice are realistic replicas of a woman’s head and torso. A lot of the students feel uncomfortable with this practice, as it involves undressing the dummy and pushing on its chest.)

Instructor: “Come on! You’re all big boys, now. Put some muscle into it! This is literally the only time it’s legal for you to grab an unconscious woman’s boobs!”

[florida80]

Should Have “Left” The Slicing To The Experts

California, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | March 15, 2018


(I am using a V-slicer to slice potatoes into French fries to soak overnight before going to bed. I slip while using it and slice open the side of my left hand, all the way to the bone. I manage to wrap it and drive myself to an emergency room — the emergency clinics are all closed for the night — and get stitches. Since I am not an emergency, I have to wait five hours before I am fully treated. After my hand is cleaned, stitched, and bandaged, a nurse brings me some discharge papers to sign. She notices me signing with my left hand.)

Nurse: “Oh, you’re left-handed? I’ve heard that left-handed people are really smart. Is that true?”

Me: “I’m sitting in an emergency room at three in the morning because I sliced my hand open making French fries. What do you think?”

Nurse: *laughs*

[florida80]

The Insurance Is The Assurance

Florida, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | March 14, 2018


(My spouse is on an organ transplant list. One of the many requirements is that you must always show up to your appointments unless you call with a really good reason. Failure to do so can get you thrown off the list. The transplant coordinator calls me and tells my that my spouse never showed up for an appointment with one of the doctors. I inform her that he most certainly did. He even had to leave a very important meeting at his office in order to do so. But the doctor’s receptionist and nurse told the coordinator that he didn’t show up for the appointment. This goes back and forth between the coordinator, the nurse, the receptionist, and me for over a week. The coordinator knows my husband and doesn’t believe for a second that he just blew the appointment off, but both the nurse and receptionist are adamant.)

Me: “Hey, [Coordinator], the next time you talk to [Receptionist] or [Nurse], tell them I am notifying my insurance company, because I have paperwork that says my insurance company paid out for an appointment, so in that case, the doctor’s office is committing insurance fraud.”

(The coordinator called me back the next day laughing because “all of a sudden” they found the paperwork showing my husband HAD shown up for the appointment. We are, however, changing doctors with the help of the coordinator.)

[florida80]

Totally Crackers About Their Self-Importance

Crazy Requests, Emergency Services, Hospital, Jerk, Montana, Patients, USA | Healthy | March 13, 2018


(I work in an emergency room. It’s late morning when a well-dressed woman of late middle-age registers. She states that she was just in a serious accident and must be seen immediately. Although we know that we hear about serious in-town accidents right away, sometimes a serious accident does occur in the country and the victims may be brought in by private vehicle. They usually have on outdoor-appropriate clothing rather than clean high heels, but we still hustle the patient back quickly. Once in a bed, she relates that the “serious accident” occurred hours ago, in town, at a speed she calls “much less than 20 miles per hour.” She has driven here in the car involved. She gets an exam and a neck x-ray. Then, she complains:)

Patient: “This is taking too long. I am diabetic and haven’t eaten breakfast. You have to feed me.”

(It’s about 11:30 am.)

Me: “What have you been doing since the accident?”

Patient: “I went to see a lawyer first, then came straight to the hospital.”

Me: *sighs* “We’ll get you some crackers and peanut butter.”

Patient: “No, I’m in the mood for an egg salad sandwich.”

Me: *finally had enough* “This is not a restaurant, and we don’t have egg salad sandwiches lying around to give out!”

(She got her crackers and peanut butter.)

[florida80]

It’s A Man’s World Of Pain

Australia, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Victoria | Healthy | March 12, 2018


I have an eight-and-a-bit-month-old child, and I’ve been having some pain during sex, so I book in to see my OB-GYN.

The appointment is really straightforward and I’m told to go get a cream. I also have a birth control rod inserted whilst I’m there. I wander over to the pharmacy and hand over my script. I’m not asked for my Medicare card, but I’m asked if I have concession.

I reply no, with no more thought into the answer. I wait and collect my script and note that I’ve been charged a concession price. Not thinking too much into it, and thinking that I must have one linked to my Medicare card, I pay the $12.80 instead of $50 to $80 for my items and head back across the road.

I get the rod implanted and continue about my day, a bit perplexed how I got charged concession. It’s not until later that night when I’m reading the script again that I realise they’ve put it under the wrong name. I’m a Mrs. [My Name], and they put it under a Mr. [Same Name].

I burst out laughing that they have given a man vaginal cream and contraception, at an OB-GYN.

[florida80]

Trying To Seize Some Sympathy

Delaware, Emergency Services, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Pets & Animals, USA | Healthy | March 11, 2018


(I am in high school, and I come home to one of my two dogs having had a severe stroke. I hold her the entire way to the vet and stay at the office while they put her down. My remaining dog is my favorite dog of all time. One day, around five am, I go downstairs to find him having a seizure. I can’t drive, my parents are at work an hour away, and no vet offices are open around me. I am panicking so badly that I decide to call 911.)

Operator: “You have reached a 911 operator. What is your emergency?”

Me: *through panic and tears* “My dog is having a seizure and I don’t know what to do!”

Operator: “You will have to dial a vet. This is for emergencies.”

Me: “There are no vets open around me! Please tell me what I should do. Is there anywhere I can call? Anyone who can help me?”

Operator: “Look. You need to calm down and just call a vet. This is an emergency service.”

(I ended up hanging up and repeatedly calling my parents until one of them answered. Eventually an adult arrived and comforted my dog for the three hours until a vet opened. My dog died that day. People still joke about me calling 911 over a dog having a seizure.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 15

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Emergency Services, Georgia, Revolting, USA | Healthy | March 10, 2018


(I am a brand new EMT; I’ve had my license less than six months. I am working for a non-emergency transport service that specializes in psych patients. I go to a hospital to pick up a patient going to a mental health facility for a court-mandated 72-hour hold. The nurse advises me that the patient tried to overdose on some pills after a family crisis, but has been calm and cooperative since being in the ER. My partner and I introduce ourselves to the patient, get her on the stretcher, and load her into the ambulance. I begin to assess her.)

Me: “Do you have any pain anywhere?”

Patient: “Yeah, my stomach is hurting from my cycle. Can you give me anything for that?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I cannot give medications.” *pain medication is not within my scope of practice*

(I finish my assessment and start on my patient care report. All the while, the patient continues to complain about her pain. I advise her that I will tell the receiving facility about it as soon as we get there so the doctor can give her something, but in the meantime I get a heat pack out of the cabinet and give it to her with a towel. At about the halfway point of a two-hour trip, the patient announces that she has to use the restroom.)

Patient: “I have real bad diarrhea and I need to go now.”

Me: “Well, I don’t have a bedpan, and we cannot stop, so I need you to hold it.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it.”

Me: *to partner* “Hey, we are in [Town], right? I need you to divert to [Hospital] so I can take her into the ER. She needs to use the bathroom.”

Partner: “Can’t she hold it?”

Me: “She said no, and I would rather not have to deal with the smell.”

Partner: “Okay.”

(We get another five minutes down the road and the patient manages to slip out of all restraints and stands up.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need you to sit on the stretcher and put your seatbelts back on. If we were to get in a wreck or if my partner made a sharp turn you could be hurt.”

Patient: “I can’t hold it anymore. I’m going to s*** my pants.” *begins to undo her pants*

Me: *to partner* “Hey, pull over. She is off of the stretcher and she is about to s*** on the floor.”

Partner: “What?! Put a sheet down first.”

(As I put a sheet down I plead with the patient to reconsider, to no avail. The patient proceeds to force herself to defecate, urinate, and menstruate on the sheet. She does not have diarrhea and definitely could have held it. After the patient finishes, she uses her clothes to wipe herself and sits back down, half-naked, on my stretcher. I cover her with a sheet, re-secure her belts, turn on the exhaust fan, and try not to breath any more than absolutely necessary.)

Me: *to partner* “Hey, I need you to get there fast; I can’t take this.”

(For the next thirty minutes, the patient sits silently on the stretcher. When she realizes her previous attempt for pain meds was unsuccessful, she decides to up the ante.)

Patient: “My stomach is still hurting so bad. Can you please give something now?”

Me: “No. Like I said before, I can’t give pain medications.”

(The patient goes on a rant for several minutes before becoming silent again. Just when I think we might get to the destination without further excitement, the patient puts her fingers in her mouth and causes herself to vomit all over the floor.)

Me: “Seriously? What makes you think this is helping your cause?”

Patient: “Why don’t you just give me something for pain?”

Me: “I am an EMT basic. I can assess you, take vitals, and do CPR. Only a paramedic can give pain medications, and they still would not give you any, because menstrual cramps don’t qualify for narcotics use.”

(The patient continues to complain, but we have no further trouble until we get to the mental health facility. The patient tries to beat up the orderly after they tell her she will have to be seen by the doctor before she can get anything for pain. As we are decontaminating the truck, my partner looks at me.)

Partner: “I have been in EMS for 12 years, and I have to say, that was a first.”

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 14

Australia, Criminal & Illegal, Harassment, New South Wales, Retail, Rude & Risque, Sydney | Right | October 20, 2017


(I am working in a two-storey men’s clothing store. It is almost closing time, and I am the only one working on the bottom floor, when an elderly man shuffles in and approaches me.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh…” *stares at me for a while*

Me: “Yes? Is there anything you were looking for?”

Customer: *continues staring*

Me: *slightly creeped out, but keeps smiling* “Okay, well, let me know if you need anything!”

Customer: *suddenly points to a pair of display pants* “Get me those in XL.”

(I tell the customer to stay while I run upstairs to fetch the requested pants. However, when I come back down, the man’s pants are down and his family jewels are on full display.)

Customer: *still staring creepily at me* “You’re pretty.”

Me: *slowly turns around and goes back upstairs*

(I quit a few days later.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 13

Clothing Store, Crazy Requests, Golden Years, Revolting, USA, Utah | Right | October 13, 2017


(It’s a quiet Sunday morning, and I’m the only cashier. An older man who looks at least 70 hobbles up to my register and places a shirt on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to get this shirt, and I was told you could also take the sensor tag off these pants I’m wearing so I can buy them.”

Me: “Uh, the pants you have on right now? They’re from here?”

Customer: “Yes. Trying them on tuckered me out, and the girl in the fitting room said you could remove the sensor tag up here at the register.”

(Our sensor-removers are secured to the counter, and I know for a fact that there’s no way this man could manage holding his leg up to get the sensor tag taken off. I stammer for a moment before remembering an unattached sensor tag remover we used for our express lane on Black Friday months ago.)

Me: “Right! Let me just see if someone can get us the sensor-remover we need.”

(I ask over the radio and receive some confusion over why I would need it, but eventually my manager says she’ll go to the lock box in the back and get it.)

Me: “All right, [Manager] is just grabbing that sensor-remover, and then you’ll be good to go!”

Customer: “But I was told that you could remove the sensor tag.”

Me: “Yeah, we can; it’s just that our normal removers are attached to the counter. [Manager] is grabbing the unattached one right now.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve already stood here longer than I can handle. If I have to go take the pants off, I just won’t buy them.”

Me: “No, it’s all right. The sensor-remover is on its way up right now; don’t worry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was told the sensor could be removed. I won’t buy the pants if I have to go take them off.”

(I’m taken aback by how angry the customer is getting, but thankfully my confused manager arrives at that moment with the unattached remover. I go around the counter and have to crouch down to try and remove the sensor at the bottom of the customer’s pants leg. It’s a tricky process, and I notice the man is balancing on one foot, so I tell him he can put his foot down if it would make him more comfortable.)

Customer: “Actually, I have an open sore on that foot.”

Me: *freezes* “Uh, where is that exactly, so I don’t bump it?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just on the bottom of my foot.”

(With that gross image in mind, I was finally able to get the sensor removed from the pants. I then had to pull all the tags and stickers off of the pants, getting much closer and more touchy-feely with the customer than I would have ever wanted to. He left without so much as a “thank you,” and I promptly took a much needed break to shake off the heebie-jeebies the whole interaction gave me.)

[florida80]

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 12

Books & Reading, Library, Rude & Risque, USA | Right | August 22, 2017


(I am a reference librarian at a public library. We get a number of reference questions by phone. In particular, there is one elderly woman who as far as we know has never been in the library, but calls nearly every day to ask a question that is usually related to something in pop culture — for example, the name of an actor on a TV show she has watched. She’s a very sweet lady, so we always do our best to help her. One Saturday afternoon, my supervisor and I are together at the desk in the reference room, which is full of people but still fairly quiet. Anyone in the room could easily hear us on the phone. Our friend calls and my supervisor answers the phone.)

Supervisor: “Oh, hello, Mrs. Smith. How are you? How can we help you today?”

(She pauses to listen and her eyes get huge. She looks at me, looks around the room, and then suddenly GETS DOWN UNDER THE DESK and speaks very quietly into the phone, while I stare in astonishment. A moment later, she re-appears and hangs up the phone.)

Me: *confused*

Supervisor: *whispers* “She’s reading a book and wanted to know what a strap-on is.”

[florida80]

The Kind Of Things You Say After Having Too Many Shots

Funny Kids, Health & Body, home, Siblings, USA | Healthy | March 9, 2018


Younger Brother: *whining* “Why do we need to get shots?”

Me: “Because they make you feel better.”

Younger Brother: “But don’t the shots make holes in your bones?”

[florida80]

All I’m Getting Is Snake-Eyes

Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Reception, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 9, 2018


(I come home to find that one of my pet snake’s eyes appears to be injured in some way. Since this is my first pet reptile, and I am not sure if this is something that needs immediate attention, I call the veterinary hospital of a very prestigious vet school nearby. Since it’s relatively late in the day, all the vets have left, but there are receptionists on call 24 hours a day.)

Receptionist: “Hi, you’ve called [Vet Hospital]. How can I help you?”

Me: *explains problem with my snake’s eye*

Receptionist: “I see. Is he blinking normally?”

Me: “Um… It’s a snake. It doesn’t have eyelids

[florida80]

Some Business Starts In The Garage

Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018


(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)

Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”

Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”

(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)

Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”

Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”

Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”

Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”

Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*

Me: “Pooping in the garage?”

Vet: “Pooping in the garage.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free

[florida80]

Left You Feeling Cold(sore)

Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)

Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”

Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”

(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”

Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”

(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)

Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”

Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”

Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”

(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”

Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”

Me: “No, why?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”

Me: “He said my blood was normal.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”

(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)

[florida80]

Opposable Definitions

Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

[florida80]

A Little Bird Googled Me

Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

[florida80]

Some Patients Can Be An Arm-ful

Australia, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Perth, Silly, Western Australia | Healthy | April 5, 2018


(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)

Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”

Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”

(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “All righty, all done.”

(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me:)

Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”

Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”

Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”

(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)

Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”

(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)

[florida80]

Some Business Starts In The Garage

Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018


(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)

Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”

Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”

(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)

Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”

Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”

Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”

Woman: *mumbles*

Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”

Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”

Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*

Me: “Pooping in the garage?”

Vet: “Pooping in the garage.”

[florida80]

Curiosity In Utero

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)

Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”

Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”

(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)

Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”

(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)

[florida80]

Left You Feeling Cold(sore)

Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018


(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)

Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”

Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”

(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”

Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”

Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”

(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)

Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”

Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”

Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”

(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”

Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”

Me: “No, why?”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”

Me: “He said my blood was normal.”

Doctor #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”

(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)

[florida80]

Opposable Definitions

Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)

Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”

(The vet starts his exam.)

Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”

Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”

Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”

Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”

Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”

Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”

Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”

Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”

Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”

Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*

(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)

[florida80]

A Little Bird Googled Me

Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018


Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”

Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”

Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”

Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”

(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)

Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”

Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

[florida80]

Smoking Is Always A Double Negative

England, Hospital, Language & Words, Nurses, UK | Healthy | March 31, 2018


(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)

Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”

Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”

[florida80]

I Am Apregnant

Doctor/Physician, England, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018


(I go to the doctor due to being on my period for five weeks. The conversation is fairly routine; he asks if I’ve changed my diet and about what my period is normally like — he seems a bit freaked out when I say it is normally only two weeks — but overall it seems to be going well. He then asks if I could be pregnant.)

Me: “I can very safely say I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Oh? What contraception are you using?”

Me: “Asexuality.”

(Normally when I say that, the doctor just nods and continues with questions, or asks if I want to consider long-term birth control “as a precaution,” but otherwise just drops the subject. This guy lost it, ranting about proper birth control and about how I, a 25-year-old woman, “should know better by now.” No, I don’t know what he meant by that. I let him rant for a few minutes, and when he finally calmed down, I said, “It means I’m a virgin.” He blinked, apologised quietly, and gave me some pills for the actual reason I was there. I left after making a note of his name so I could make a complaint.)

[florida80]

Has No Heart For Others

England, Jerk, London, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | March 30, 2018


(My cousin is sitting in the reception area, waiting for his appointment with the doctor, when a gentleman who is also waiting suddenly has a heart attack. The receptionist screams for help, all the doctors come running, and while they are busy administering CPR, the receptionist calls for an ambulance. The receptionist then prepares to go outside, to guide the paramedics to the right location when they arrive. My cousin, along with all the other patients in the waiting area, keep out of the way to allow the doctors to work on the gentleman… all except one patient, who arrived in the midst of all the chaos, hasn’t registered what is going on — or simply doesn’t care — and is therefore standing at the reception desk, huffing in indignation.)

Patient: “Well, really! Where do you think you’re going? I have an appointment! And I’m in a hurry, so I expect to be seen on time.”

Receptionist: *looks pointedly down at the floor, where the doctors were still administering CPR* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid all the doctors are a bit busy right now, TRYING TO SAVE THIS GENTLEMAN’S LIFE!”

[florida80]

Use Your Head Before You See The Head Injury

Hospital, Jerk, Strangers, USA, Utah | Healthy | March 28, 2018


(One evening, as I am working, I end up standing up and smacking my head against a shelf, leading to a head wound that starts bleeding rather profusely. I clean up a bit and get an old rag to hold over the injury. My manager gets one of my co-workers to drive me over to the ER to get checked out. We arrive, and start to get checked in, when an old man speaks up behind me.)

Old Man: “F****** kid, bumped his head and trying to get attention. Go home, you p****! There are people that actually need to be here!”

(I turned, because I was not quite sure if he was talking to me, revealing the side of my face that had a few streaks of blood down it that I hadn’t managed to clean up. Right as I turned, a new line of blood leaked out and rolled down the side of my face, as well. The old man jumped and actually half-slid out of his seat, before standing up and scurrying over to a chair across the waiting area from where I was. I got checked in, and they confirmed that it was just a typical head wound, no concussion or internal bleeding. As I left, I spotted the old man being let in, and he turned away, beet red. Maybe he’ll learn to not be so quick to judge.)

[florida80]

Morphine Makes You Mellow And Mallow

Hospital, Kentucky, Silly, USA | Healthy | March 26, 2018


(I broke my leg and have just been loaded into the ambulance. The paramedic gives me some morphine. I get a little silly once the drugs kick in.)

Me: *to paramedic* “Oh, you smell so goooooood.”

(Once I get to the hospital, they temporarily sedate me to set my leg. I wake up as they are wrapping my leg in gauze. My leg is puffy and white.)

Me: “Hashtag marshmallow!”

[florida80]

Sexually-Transmitted Translation

Doctor/Physician, Hong Kong, Language & Words, LGBTQ, Medical Office | Healthy | March 4, 2018


(I am a foreign college student and I need to see a gynecologist for the first time. I also need to fill out a medical information form that’s all in Chinese.)

Receptionist: “Can you read Chinese?”

Me: “The basics, but I have trouble with medical vocab.”

Receptionist: “Okay, start filling what you can and come back when there’s no line.”

(I do so and the receptionist translates while I answer.)

Receptionist: “Okay, this says, ‘Are you sexually active?’”

Me: *circles yes*

Receptionist: “Okay, and this says, ‘What protection do you use? Check all applicable.’”

Me: “Okay, does it say, ‘dental dam,’ somewhere?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “Um… for oral protection.”

Receptionist: “This is asking what you do to not get pregnant.”

Me: “So, it’s ‘contraceptive,’ not ‘protection’?”

Receptionist: “Same thing.”

Me: “No… It isn’t. Okay, where does it ask for the gender of my partner?”

Receptionist: “Gender?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sexually active with women, not men.”

Receptionist: *long pause, looks around as if for help* “Then you put, ‘No,’ for sexually active and skip these questions.”

Me: “Don’t you care about me getting STDs?”

Receptionist: “Huh?”

Me: “It means I can still get STDs, as I’m sexually active, but you want me to put, ‘No,’ for being sexually active.”

Receptionist: *blank stare* “Uh. Let me talk to the doctor.”

(I am not called back for a while, and when I am, it’s for the actual appointment.)

Doctor: “I’m sorry about the form. We never get people like you. Let’s continue.” *hands form back to me*

(I noticed next to the line asking about being sexually active, “lesbian” was written in, in English. She helped me fill the rest of the form, adding — in English — the details it didn’t support, with no further issues.)

[florida80]

Needs To Prescribe Some Anger-Management

Germany, Jerk, Pharmacy | Healthy | March 3, 2018


(I work at a call centre for a German online pharmacy. Unlike other pharmacies, we allow customers to pre-order medicines which requires prescriptions. It should go without saying, but we’re not allowed to ship orders that contain a prescription, until the original is sent to us by a postal service. There are also no shipping costs for our customer, if there is a prescription.)

Me: “Your [Pharmacy]. You are speaking with [My Name].”

Customer: “I placed an order last week at your store and it still hasn’t arrived. Where is it?”

Me: “Oh, that doesn’t sound so good. Could you please tell me your order number?”

(The customer doesn’t have it, so I search for her by name. It takes me a while to find her, as she has a very common name and doesn’t want to give me her postal code.)

Me: “Ah, there we have you. I’m afraid your prescription for [Medicine] hasn’t arrived yet.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I do not need a prescription for that order! Send them to me at once!”

(I try to stay cool.)

Me: “Ma’am, [Medicine] requires a prescription, by law. We cannot deliver this order until we have the original prescription.”

Customer: “Then you should at least have told me so!”

Me: “Our online store has classified this item as one that requires a prescription. You have also received an order confirmation that asks you for your prescription.”

Customer: “No, I never received a confirmation, so don’t dare lie to me!”

Me: “Uh… Ma’am, I do not understand; you received the confirmation on [date and time].”

Customer: “No, I never did; I’ll show you!”

(I can hear her typing and the sound of a mail program opening. She waits for a moment, and then she starts mumbling to herself.)

Customer: “’Dear Mrs. [Name], thank you for your order. Please send us your your original prescription by mail, so we can continue with that order.’”

(The customer wheezes angrily.)

Customer: “This is way too complicated with your store! Other pharmacies will send them to me immediately!”

Me: “Ma’am, even other pharmacies have to wait for your prescription, as [Medicine] requires one.”

Customer: “I will never order at your store ever again! I’ve never been insulted this badly in my entire life!”

(The customer called the next day. She made a new order without the prescription and asked if that was all right.)

[florida80]

Seizing Control Of The Schedule

Bosses & Owners, California, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Jerk, Los Angeles, Office, USA | Healthy | March 8, 2018


(I work Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. My daughter has been having some health issues and recently started having grand mal seizures which require the school to call me to come pick her up. All my coworkers know this. My boss is trying to cover some shifts and asks me:)

Boss: “Can you cover some of the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday shifts?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. My daughter has been having seizures; she had to be picked up Thursday and Friday last week.”

Boss: “So, Friday is the only day you can’t work?”

Me: “No, I don’t have an emergency person to pick her up Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Boss: “So, she’s scheduled to have seizures on every Thursday and Friday?”

Me: “No. We don’t schedule her seizures.”

Boss: “Well, can you schedule them, then? We really need these shifts covered.”

(Best part is, we work in healthcare!)

[florida80]

A Depressing Statistic

Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Psychiatrist, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | March 7, 2018


(I have severe ADD and take Ritalin. I have been seeing a psychiatrist every six months for over a decade because it’s necessary to keep my prescription up, but normally we don’t do anything else. He asks me if I’m having side effects, I say no, he asks how school, work, or whatever is going, I tell him, he writes me a new prescription, and we’re done.)

Doctor: “And how are your classes going?”

Me: “Pretty well, except for this one lab where the whole grade is based on group work and my groupmates have disappeared…”

(I’m very frustrated with my classmates, and as I explain the problem with the lab, I start crying.)

Doctor: “Here, take these tissues! I had no idea you were so depressed. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine, and I want you to come back in a week for a follow-up.”

Me: “What? No, I’m just sleep-deprived! Your office is an hour from my house, and you get behind schedule so fast that my mom insists I book an appointment at seven am. I had to get up at 5:30 to be here! I’m a night owl; I get up at 10 or 11 if I don’t have anything I have to do earlier. I always cry too easily when I’m tired.”

(He doesn’t believe me and prescribes the medication, anyway. A week later, I’m back in his office.)

Doctor: “How are you feeling? If we need to, we can adjust the dosage before your next follow-up next week.”

Me: “Fine, like I was before, when I had slept. I know antidepressants take a while to kick in, but I don’t think these are ever going to affect me, because I’m not depressed. And I really can’t afford to keep experimenting with them; you know I don’t have insurance.”

Doctor: “I tried to find the cheapest antidepressants I could. I thought these were only about $10 a bottle.”

Me: “Come here. I want to tell you a secret.”

(He comes closer.)

Me: “You know those nice ladies behind the window in your lobby? They make people give them money before we can talk to you.”

(It had never occurred to him that visiting a psychiatrist every week instead of every six months might be a little pricey! I went off the antidepressants and am fine, as long as I don’t have to get up before dawn. Doctors, I know that lots of people really are depressed and it’s a serious problem, but people also know their own bodies, minds, and situations. It helps to listen.)

[florida80]

Putting A Negative Image On Breeders

Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, USA, Vet | Healthy | March 6, 2018


(I work as a veterinary technician. We are preparing to perform a blood draw on a dog to test for a specific disease that affects the production of hormones from the adrenal glands. The dog in question is not neutered and is likely used as a show dog.)

Owner: “So, this disease you’re testing for, is it hereditary?”

Me: “Yes, the factors that cause this disease can be passed on in a dog’s genes.”

Owner: “So, like… If he tests positive, would you recommend not breeding him?”

Me: “If he does test positive, then we don’t recommend that you breed him, as there is a chance he could pass the gene onto his offspring.”

Owner: “But it’s only a recommendation, right? I could still breed him, regardless of the results?”

Me: “Sir, as a medical professional, it’s a very, very strong recommendation that you should not breed a dog if it is certain that he has a specific hereditary disease. There is a very high chance he would produce more dogs predisposed to developing the disease. It would also ruin your reputation as a breeder if you did this knowingly. So, let’s just hope he comes back negative.”

(The owner seemed satisfied with the answer, but it troubles me that he was still considering breeding the dog if the test came back positive.)