(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)
Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”
Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”
(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)
(Due to some weird allergic reactions, I’ve been sent to have a blood test done. As I enter the phlebotomist’s room, Coldplay’s “Yellow” is playing on a small radio.)
Nurse: “Now, how are you with needles?”
Me: “They’re not my favourite thing, but I’m okay with them. Never had any problems before.”
(They get me set up with the needle in my arm, and everything’s okay at first, but after about a minute I start to feel woozy, nauseated, and sweaty, and my hearing fades out. “Yellow” has been replaced with a staticky noise. I try to communicate this to the nurse, but something gets lost on the way to my mouth.)
Me: *flaps hand at nurse* “Chris Martin went grey! Gonna blarf…”
(I vomit in my lap and then faint. When I wake up, I’m wearing a blood pressure cuff and someone’s fetched my mum from the waiting area.)
Nurse: “Wow, I’ve had people freak out before, but you’re the first one who’s fainted! By the way, who’s Chris Martin?”
Me: “Huh?”
Nurse: “You were talking about him, said he went grey or something? It seemed pretty urgent.”
Me: “No idea.”
(Chris Martin is the lead singer of Coldplay, a band which I’m fairly ambivalent about. Apparently, my brain is better at remembering music trivia when starved of oxygen and shutting down!)
Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurse | Healthy | February 3, 2018
(I am on the evening shift at a specialized cancer ward. I come out from a room and bump into one of my colleagues. This woman is older than I am and, I assume, far more experienced than I am, although I have racked up a fair amount of experience myself at this point. My colleague looks decidedly puzzled.)
Me: “Is something wrong?”
Colleague: “It’s so strange. The patient in [Room] is so unresponsive. And I don’t know what to do about this. She was turning blue and seemed to have trouble breathing!”
(This was delivered almost frustratingly slow. She started to describe just HOW the patient was using her whole torso to draw air into her lungs, but I ran past her into the patient’s room. She’d had a cardiac arrest! I pressed the alarm and, miracle of miracles, we managed to resuscitate her through sheer stubbornness and hard work. We were overjoyed with the resuscitation, but we all had some choice words with the head nurse about our colleague! I never saw her working there again after that.)
Doctor/Physician, Emergency Services, Ignoring & Inattentive, Iowa, Nurse, USA | Healthy | February 2, 2018
(My husband and I are in the ER, about ten days after I have given birth via C-section, and about five days after I have finally been released from the hospital. Due to pregnancy complications, my husband and I haven’t had sex for several months. I have severe abdominal pain and have been waiting to be seen for several hours. Finally, a doctor comes into the room to check me over. She is holding my chart, on which I mentioned several times that I just had a baby.)
Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “No.”
Doctor: “Are you sure? We’re going to run some tests that could be harmful to the baby.”
Me: “I am sure I’m not pregnant.”
Doctor: “How about you take a test just to be sure?”
Me: “I. Just. Had. A. Baby. So, unless you guys missed something when you were cleaning me out two weeks ago, or God decided it’s time for another immaculate conception, I. Am. Not. Pregnant.”
Doctor: “Uh, okay, then.”
(She then sends a nurse in with some painkillers so I can finally get some relief. Two days later, I get a phone call from the hospital.)
Nurse: “I’m sorry, but it looks like one of your samples we took the other night was contaminated. We strongly recommend you take a pregnancy test.”
At The Checkout, Cashier, Grocery Store, Health & Body, Jerk, Pennsylvania, USA | Working | February 26, 2018
(I’m in my late 20s, but because of my size, I am often mistaken for a teenager. A few months prior to this incident, my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive. I’m very excited and immediately go out and buy a pregnancy test. A few weeks later, the test is negative, and I go to the same store to buy a pack of tests. I am checked out by the same cashier, an older woman. When I approach with the tests, she gives me a disgusted look. The following happens
Me: “Hi, how are you today?”
Cashier: “I’m fine… Honey, would you like me to show you where we keep the condoms? They’re not hard to find; they’re in the same aisle as the tests.”
Me: *a little taken aback* “No, thank you.”
(The cashier doesn’t ring out the test. She just looks at me.)
Cashier: “Sweetie, the condoms aren’t too expensive. We have some great options, and it would be a lot better than these constant scares.”
Me: “Oh, it’s not a scare—”
Cashier: *cuts me off* “I saw you a few weeks ago, buying a test. I remember because I said a prayer for you, that you wouldn’t be pregnant.”
Me: *getting angry now* “Well, that’s not a very nice thing to pray for! I want to be pregnant”
Cashier: *looks horrified* “Honey, you don’t want to be pregnant; trust me. You want to finish school, get a job, and find a guy who wants you for more than sex. Make the guy marry you first!”
Me: “Pretty sure this is none of your business, but my husband and I both have well-paying jobs, and a baby would be a blessing. Please ring me out.”
Cashier: “I can’t believe your parents let you get married so young!”
Me: “I’m almost 30. And again, this is none of your business.”
(She finally finished ringing me out, and I had a word with the manager about the incident. He promised to speak to her about it. It’s been two weeks, and when I go back she avoids me like the plague.)
Hospital, USA, Washington | Healthy | December 15, 2017
(My sister goes to the hospital due to her appendix rupturing. Because of the amount of pain she is in, I answer all the questions for her, fill out forms, etc. While she is in the ER, nurses continue to ask if she is pregnant. The first couple times are different nurses that I assume aren’t talking to each other, but it gets annoying. This all happens before they confirm it’s her appendix.)
Nurse #3 : *later, as the painkillers are starting to kick in, causing my sister to slur her speech slightly and not be quite present* “Is there any chance you’re pregnant?”
Me: *frustrated* “There is no chance she’s pregnant!”
Me: *points at the insurance cards I’d pulled out of her wallet and laid on the counter* “If you idiots had taken half a second to look at these, you’d see she doesn’t have a uterus!”
(My sister was in an accident when she was a kid and had to have her uterus removed, and carries a card with that information on it, because the pregnancy question always comes up. The nurse left quickly and we soon had yet another nurse, who didn’t ask the pregnancy question. I apologize to the nurse at the desk later for yelling, but she waved me off and said it was a quick way to learn a lesson
Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Medical Office, USA, Washington | Right | November 2, 2017
(I’m having a pregnancy test done at a local clinic. After I get a positive result, they go over some things with me. The nurse is asking me basic questions about daily habits and my lifestyle.)
Nurse: “All right, do you smoke?”
Me: “Nope.”
Nurse: “Drink alcohol?”
Me: “Not at all.”
Nurse: “Do you plan on starting?”
Me: “Not anytime soon.”
Nurse: “Oh, thank God! I don’t have to try to talk sense into you.”
Me: “Do people really think they can smoke and drink during pregnancy?”
(I am pregnant, quite close to my due date, and obviously showing it even through my boxy work uniform. This occurs during a (so far) normal transaction as I am returning an item for a customer approximately in his fifties.)
Customer: “So, you’re pregnant?”
Me: *smiling* “Yup!”
Customer: “How’d that happen?”
Me: “Uh… well… um…”
Customer: *cheerfully* “You’d be surprised, the different answers I get with that one.”
(I manage a retail store that does engravings. When customers want something done we go to a little counter, stand opposite the customer, and explain pricing. I am due to have my daughter any day when this happens. I’m tall and have always been really skinny.)
Nice Young Couple: “We want to get [Item] with [Name] on it.”
Me: “Oh, that’s such a cute name!”
(I explain the pricing. All is going well.)
Woman: “I’m six months along and feel like a whale! How far are you?”
Me: “I’m nine months. Actually, the doctor said I should have popped a week ago. When I’m done working, I walk the Mall of America like a crazy person because a manager over there swears it helps induce labor!”
Woman: “You’re nine months!? Why are you so small?!”
Me: “I don’t know. I’m just naturally skinny but the doctor predicted that she would at least be seven pounds or more.”
Woman: *suddenly incredibly angry* “I’m only six months and bigger than you! That’s not fair!”
(At that point the woman went savage and actually tried to climb over the counter to hit me. Her boyfriend grabbed her and dragged her out of the store kicking and screaming “It’s not fair!” while giving me a look that said “I’m so sorry!” Two days later I got my doctor to give me a note saying I couldn’t work anymore while pregnant because of blood pressure issues. I had my baby a week later and quit when my maternity leave was up. I have never, and will never, go back to retail. I have a lot of respect for people that stick it out. You don’t get paid enough
Australia, Harassment, Melbourne, Outdoors/Outside, Strangers, Victoria | Healthy | February 2, 2018
(I am having a horribly frustrating day at this point. I’m overworked. The weather is horrible. Walking back to work, a construction worker with his mates wolf-whistles at a girl a couple of feet ahead of me.)
Me: *turning to face him* “Thanks, mate, but sorry; I’m straight.”
(The guy went red as his mates laughed. Made me feel better.)
Alberta, Canada, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Physical | Healthy | February 2, 2018
(All my life, I have been sensitive to changes in weather pressure, and elevation changes, even subtle ones. As I live in an area frequented by wonderful warm winds during cold seasons, I regularly get “Chinook” headaches. I’ve never had a migraine before, but one day at work, I start to experience a severe headache. It’s the worst I’ve ever had, and I conclude I’m having my first migraine. I manage to drive home and crawl into bed. For two days, I’m unable to drive, or even move from a laying-down position, due to nausea and dizziness, along with the pain. My general practitioner is off on maternity leave, so I go to the same clinic as a walk-in.)
Me: “I think I’m having a migraine; it’s the first time.”
Doctor: “Can you describe the symptoms?”
Me: “Intense pressure headache, coupled with nausea and dizziness. It’s very difficult just to sit here talking to you.”
Doctor: “Sounds right.” *hands me a stack of paper* “Here: you need to record each and every time you get a headache so we can track it. Here are two prescriptions for pain medication. Also, I noticed from your previous blood work that your iron levels are low, so we’re going to start you on a very high-dose supplement. As well, vitamin B will help with the migraines. You should start this regime today. The pain medication is strong, so be prepared to basically sleep once you take it.”
(This seems excessive to me, but as I’ve never had a migraine before, I go fill all the prescriptions. For two days, I follow what the doctor recommended, and nothing has improved. My chiropractor has experience in acupuncture and other alternative medicine, and he has helped me with my headaches in the past. I tell my husband that I need to go see him. When I walk into the chiropractor office, my guy sees me, being held up by my husband, with a hood and sunglasses on, and quickly ushers me into a room. My husband has brought the literal bag of drugs I’ve been prescribed, to show him.)
Chiropractor: “I can help the nausea and dizziness immediately. Lie on your side.”
(He gives me some acupuncture needles in various places on my neck, hands, and temples.)
Me: “I can’t keep taking those pain meds; I’m not functional. Plus, the pressure going up the hill from [Our Town] has been excruciating lately.”
Chiropractor: “That’s the pressure sensitivity, right? So, it’s been much worse than normal?”
Me: “Yes.”
Chiropractor: “How’s your balance been?”
Me: “Horrible. That’s partly why I’m so dizzy. I feel like I have no centre of gravity.”
Chiropractor: “You don’t have a migraine; you have crystals in your ears. How often do you use cotton swabs?”
Me: “Fairly regularly?”
Chiropractor: “Stop doing that for a week and let the wax catch them. It’s a random thing, but if your ears are too clean, these little crystals develop and roll around your inner ear. That is what is causing the pain, and the loss of balance, which is contributing to your dizziness and nausea.”
(He was 100% right. A week later, all the symptoms had completely disappeared. I’m thankful that the walk-in doctor had a treatment plan, though I wish she had asked me another couple questions. I’m even more grateful for other medical practitioners who can help prevent you from having to take tons of excessive and unnecessary medications.)
Art/Design, Health & Body, Office, Revolting, USA, Virginia | Healthy | February 1, 2018
I work as a medical illustrator, drawing injuries and surgeries for legal purposes — used as courtroom exhibits, mediation materials, etc. Most of the time, the cases that cross my desk are the same run-of-the-mill kinds over and over, but every once in a while, we get very interesting and challenging cases to illustrate.
My most memorable case involved a man with a tumor that had grown in almost the exact middle of his head, sort of at the very back of his throat, near the base of his skull. It had grown monstrously and required a surgery to remove it to improve quality of life. But the only way to get to it required some extreme measures, and I’ll never forget the surgeon’s notes in which he described the procedure. This is a bit gruesome, if you’re squeamish.
It required lifting away the bottom of the face from the skull and cutting the mandible — jaw bone — down the middle, then prying the jaw apart to either side. While the surgeon provided no sketches to help me visualize this, he made it clear enough when he mentioned it was commonly known as “the Predator cut.”
They also then removed half the jawbone. It was surprising to learn how they reconstruct the face afterwards; they simply carve up segments from your fibula — the small bone in your lower leg — and make a new L-shaped jaw out of it!
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, New Hampshire, Nurse, Rude & Risque, Silly, USA | Healthy | January 31, 2018
(It’s my very first appointment with a GYN Oncologist, and he has to examine my tumor, which has grown in the space “between the playground and the sewer.” There is a female nurse attending who is slightly older than both the doctor and me.)
Doctor: “Unfortunately, [My Name], I’m going to have to do a rectal exam, also.”
Me: *resigned to it, but salty* “Whoa! On the first date, even!”
Older Nurse: *totally taken aback* “But this is a safe date! This is for your health and well-being!” *several more comments indicating that she’s horrified at what I said*
Doctor: *never missing a beat* “Yeah, but I didn’t even buy her dinner!”
(I work as a housekeeper at a hospital. The job is hard, but I get paid fairly well. The hardest part is dealing with patients and visitors who don’t realize how important my job really is. I’m mopping the main lobby. A group of visitors leaving the hospital are coming. I just mopped the floors, and they track dirt and grease all over the floor, dropping food as they pass, as well. I get a new mop, slightly irritated, I’ll admit. Then, I hear the mom lean down to her daughter and say
Visitor: “Stay in school, or you’ll end up like him!”
(I’ve had a hard day, and just hearing that makes me lose it. I go over, tap the woman on a shoulder, and say
Me: “Ma’am, were you visiting a patient here today?”
Visitor: “Uh, yeah… [room number]. Why?”
Me: “You realize a lowlife housekeeper like me cleaned that room, right? That room previously had a very sick person staying in it, and a housekeeper bleached the walls, bed, toilet, everything, to keep you safe from getting what the last patient had.”
(She goes to open up her mouth, but I don’t let her say anything.)
Me: “I’m working this job while I work on getting my associate’s in nursing, which I’m only three months away from. I eventually want to become a doctor. I took this job to get my foot in the door for my future. My parents don’t have money to get me through school, and the scholarships I received aren’t enough to cover $4000 a semester. So, unless you are already saving for her to go to school, or are made of money, she will likely end up with a low-end job for a couple of years. I get the same benefits as any medical staff, I make $12 an hour, and, other than dealing with people like you, my job is nice.”
(By this point her jaw has dropped and her daughter is giggling next to her.)
Visitor: “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize—”
Me: “You shouldn’t have said something like that. ‘If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.’ My mom taught me that when I was five. Probably best for you to learn it, too.”
(The mother scurries out of the door with her head hanging low. My supervisor has seen the whole exchange, so I think I will get in trouble. He laughs and says
Supervisor: “I’ve wanted to say that to people like that forever! I’m just glad I got to witness such a historic moment!”
(Housekeepers are not scum or low-lives, and we are not stupid. Most of us have joined as housekeepers to make it easier to climb up the career ladder. Think about that the next time you say something rude like that.)
Australia, Coworkers, Language & Words, Medical Office, Silly | Healthy | January 30, 2018
(It is a busy Monday with patients eager to get scanning done after the weekend, walk-ins, and appointments. I am working as fast and as politely as I can. There is a bit of pressure since our site manager is on holiday and our second was just promoted to head office. I have inadvertently become the senior receptionist.)
Coworker: “I have to find the keys to the mur…”
(I can’t hear what he’s saying because of the phone ringing and a patient in front of me giving me details necessary for the booking. He does a lap around the department.)
Coworker: “He’s supposed to have left keys for the mur mur rum...”
(I don’t catch the end of it, again, needing to pick up a call on hold that’s been waiting for seven minutes. He runs around again. I blaze through more people, finally finish all calls, and get to the last lady in the queue.)
Coworker: “Okay, so, we get the keys from upstairs in General. It’s all good. They got into the murder room.”
(I stop what I’m doing and stare at him, absolutely sure I heard it right, but shocked if that’s what he said.)
Australia, Coworkers, Language & Words, Medical Office, Silly | Healthy | January 30, 2018
(It is a busy Monday with patients eager to get scanning done after the weekend, walk-ins, and appointments. I am working as fast and as politely as I can. There is a bit of pressure since our site manager is on holiday and our second was just promoted to head office. I have inadvertently become the senior receptionist.)
Coworker: “I have to find the keys to the mur…”
(I can’t hear what he’s saying because of the phone ringing and a patient in front of me giving me details necessary for the booking. He does a lap around the department.)
Coworker: “He’s supposed to have left keys for the mur mur rum...”
(I don’t catch the end of it, again, needing to pick up a call on hold that’s been waiting for seven minutes. He runs around again. I blaze through more people, finally finish all calls, and get to the last lady in the queue.)
Coworker: “Okay, so, we get the keys from upstairs in General. It’s all good. They got into the murder room.”
(I stop what I’m doing and stare at him, absolutely sure I heard it right, but shocked if that’s what he said.)
Alaska, Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, USA | Healthy | January 30, 2018
(I am a doctor at a local clinic. I read the file for my next patient, a 21-year-old woman, complaining about stomach cramps, sickness, and “private” concerns. People are often shy and refuse to share their symptoms with the nurse. I go into the room and start talking to the patient.)
Me: “Hello, I am Dr. [My Name]. What seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “I keep getting stomach cramps, and I threw up this morning. It was really gross… and, um… ah…”
(The patient is acting uncomfortable.)
Patient: “I haven’t had my period in three months! It’s always been irregular, but I haven’t ever gone this long! I must be really sick! Please help me.”
(Utilizing my $50,000 education and 14 years of experience, I make the first suggestion that comes to mind.)
Me: “Is there any chance that you might be pregnant?”
(The patient looks disgusted by this.)
Patient: “Oh, so, if a woman is sick it means that she must be pregnant. No, she can’t be dying or anything; she must be a slut. You men are all the same!”
Me: “Ma’am, it is just procedure. I have to check things off the list to find out what is wrong. Can you please answer my question?”
Patient: “No. I want a woman doctor. Get me your woman doctor or I am leaving!”
Me: “There are only me and three male PAs.”
Patient: “Humph!”
(The patient walked out of the examination room and out of the office, complaining of sexism and “unprofessional behavior” to everybody in the waiting room. Six months later, I got another patient file for a woman wanting a prenatal exam. Now, guess who it could possibly be? The lesson here is that there are a lot of things that share symptoms with pregnancy, but pregnancy is FAR more common than most of them. When a doctor asks you if you are pregnant, it is not an accusation; it is an important diagnostic tool.)
(After diagnosing a heart attack and commencing treatment, the patient starts feeling better. He chats with the second paramedic on the way to hospital.)
Australia, Emergency Services, Extra Stupid, Queensland | Healthy | January 29, 2018
Paramedic #1: “Do you have any preexisting healthcare conditions?”
Patient: “No.”
Paramedic #1: “Ever been to hospital?”
Patient: “Nope!”
Paramedic #1: “Do you take any medications?”
Patient: “No.”
(After diagnosing a heart attack and commencing treatment, the patient starts feeling better. He chats with the second paramedic on the way to hospital.)
Patient: “Hang on, I have had one thing…”
Paramedic #2: “Yes?”
Patient: “It was, uh…”
Paramedic #2: “Yes?”
Patient: “A what-do-you-call-it… A cardiac arrest! Had one of those before.”
(And that’s why health care staff ask so many stupid and repetitive questions!)
Hospital, Jerk, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Roommates | Healthy | January 29, 2018
I have to have emergency surgery. After some time in the recovery ward, I am wheeled into a double-occupancy room, but there’s no one in the other bed. I wake up a little later to find the curtains between the beds drawn, and correctly assume I now have a roommate. I hear her whimpering often, but I think nothing of it, because I’m whimpering, too.
We are both checked hourly, but we have different nurses, so basically there’s someone coming in every half hour or so. Whenever my obs are being done, I can hear her huffing and sighing, the way people do when they’re trying to sleep but someone’s making too much noise. I feel a bit guilty, but what can I do about it?
During the night, I hear her groaning whenever she tries to move. I’m doing the same, so I am quite shocked when she rather curtly says, “Can you keep it down, please? You’re always moaning and groaning! I am trying to sleep here!”
I say nothing. I’m in too much pain and too drugged up to attempt a comeback or an argument.
Later that morning, I’m woken up by loud voices and ear-piercing squeals. My roommate’s family are visiting. She has two small children who are yelling and squealing and fighting with each other. They zoom around the room, pulling the curtains between our beds back and forth, playing in the wheelchairs, and often bumping into my bed, causing excruciating pain. Her husband is loud and gregarious, and neither of them make even the slightest effort to control their kids.
I’m overwhelmed and hurting and I start to cry. The nurse comes in to do my obs, takes one look at the scene, and barks at the father and kids to keep it down, that they’re in a hospital, and that there are a lot of sick people who are trying to rest. She then manipulates me into a wheelchair and says that now would be a good time to take me for a shower, to get away from the noise. As I’m being wheeled out, I hear my roommate say to her husband, “God, she can talk! She’s kept me up all night whining and carrying on!”
Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Germany, Pets & Animals, Vet | Healthy | January 28, 2018
(A lady comes in with a cat in a very bad condition. After a short examination, I have to tell her that the only thing I can do is to euthanize her cat.)
Me: “I’m so sorry, but the kidneys have completely stopped working. The only thing we can do is release that poor cat from her pain and suffering.”
Lady: “Oh, that’s a shame, but if it’s the only option…”
Me: “Unfortunately, it is.”
Lady: “Okay, but is there any homeopathic euthanasia you can give? You know, all these chemical things are bad for her health!”
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