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Old 06-14-2021   #161
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Prank Calls Of Urban Legend
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | JANUARY 19, 2015
(I’ve taken a lot of weird calls over the years and have looked up a lot of strange books and have always maintained a level of professionalism, but this almost broke me.)

Customer: *older male voice, with a slightly southern accent* “I’m a disabled veteran and need help getting some books.”

Me: “Okay, what are you looking for?”

Customer: “Well, I really like… uh… stuff with ‘urban’ women in them.”

Me: “Ooooookaaay. Um, we’ve got an urban fiction section.”

Customer: “Oh, good. See, I’m a disabled veteran, and I can’t move around that well, so would you pick some out for me?”

Me: *getting progressively more uncomfortable* “Well, I…”

Customer: “I like the urban books because I like black women. I like the way they smell.”

Me: “…uh.”

Customer: *breaks into laughter* “Sorry, [My Name], I’m just f***in’ with you. That was great though, you were serious the whole time!”

Me: “I hate you.”
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Old 06-14-2021   #162
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Reverse Psychology Therapy
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | SEPTEMBER 24, 2014
(I’m in advanced classes. My history teacher is intense about lectures but is actually a pretty awesome guy. This happens after a particularly stressful term.)

Me: “My therapist says I shouldn’t see you anymore.”

Teacher: “Why?”

Me: “Because you’ve caused too much added stress in my life.”

(The rest of the year the lessons are easier and we all think he’s planned the tough stuff to break us in and the rest of the year is supposed to be easier. At the end of the year all the advanced placement students and teachers get a banquet after the exam. My teacher is getting an award honoring his hard work and his students getting the highest scores. He also has to make a speech.)

Teacher: “Does your therapist still hate me?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t have a therapist.”

(The teacher gets called up for his speech.)

Teacher: “I’ll get to my speech in a minute, I just want to say that [My Name] told me that I caused her so much stress in the first term her therapist told her not to see me anymore. Well, I’ve just been informed that she hasn’t got a therapist. I spent the whole semester worrying about my lessons for nothing. I took it easy on them for fear of their mental health! Well played, [My Name]. Well played…”
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Old 06-14-2021   #163
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A Bad App-raisal Of The Situation
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 23, 2015
Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I bought an eBook from your website, but I can’t read it on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What sort of tablet do you have? Is it Apple or Android?”

Customer: “It’s a [high end Android]. My son bought it for me.”

Me: “Nice. And when you open up [Our App], does the book appear there?”

Customer: “No, it’s not in my library.”

Me: “You say you purchased the eBook from our website. Are you sure the account information you used when you purchased it is the same as your app is registered under?”

Customer: “Um, yes? I can’t imagine that I would have more than one account with you.”

Me: “And other books work just fine?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Have you tried syncing your library?”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Open the app and hit the refresh button. It’s a circular arrow in the bottom left.”

Customer: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “That’s weird. What do you see?”

Customer: *describes a screen which sounds suspiciously like our competitor’s app*

Me: “Sir, what app do you use to read your eBooks?”

Customer: “I use my library.”

Me: “Yes, sir, your books appear in the library screen of the app, but which app do you use? Are you using [Our App] or [Competitor’s App]?”

Customer: “I use the app on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, where do you normally buy your eBooks?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The eBooks currently in your library which you are able to read. Which website were you on when you bought them? [Our website] or [Competitor’s website]?”

Customer: “[Competitor’s website]. They have lots of good deals.”

Me: “All right sir, I’ve figured out the problem. You purchased an [our format] eBook from our website. That book is not compatible with [Competitor’s App]. You’ll have to download [Our App] in order to read it.”

Customer: “But I already paid for it.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sir. The book is yours. The app is available as a free download both on our website and from the Play Store. It only takes a minute.”

Customer: “My books always show up in my library when I buy them. Why doesn’t this one?”

Me: “I know it’s confusing, sir. [Our Company] sells [Our eBook Readers], and [Competitor] sells [Competitor’s eBook Readers]. EBooks bought from [Our Company] can only be read on [Our eBook Readers] or [Our App], just as [Competitor]’s eBooks can only be read on their products.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. I paid for this book.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and it is yours. But the app you are using is made and run by [Competitor]. You bought this book from us. [Competitor] has no way of knowing that you bought this book, so they can’t put it into the app on your tablet.

Customer: Can you call them and tell them I bought it? Then they’ll know.”

Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, sir. But again, you can download [Our App] for free and read the book you purchased.”

Customer: “Okay, so you guys have your own books and your own app thing, and [Competitor] has their own books and their own app, and they don’t work together at all?”

Me: “Yes sir. That’s absolutely correct. A little complicated, I know.”

Customer: “So how do I get your app so I can read my book?”

Me: “The same way you got [Competitor’s App]. Open the Play Store, search for [Our App], and download it. Once it installs you’ll have to enter your email address and password. Then your book will appear in your library. We’ll give you a couple additional titles for free.”

Customer: “My tablet’s library?”

Me: “No, sorry, the library in [Our App].”

Customer: “So when I want to read this book I’ll need to open your app, and when I want to read my other books I’ll need to open [Competitor’s App]?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I suppose I can handle that. When should I expect my app to arrive?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “The app that you’re sending me in the mail. When will it be here?”

Me: “The… mail? You know what, sir? I think you should come into our store. Can you drop by tomorrow?”

(And I made d*** sure I was not around when he came in!)
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Old 06-14-2021   #164
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Unfair Daycare
DAYCARE, GYM | RIGHT | AUGUST 12, 2015
(I work at a gym daycare. We have a very strict policy that we cannot watch a child for more than three hours per day. Also, parents MUST be in the building while we are watching their children. A man (who was wearing no workout clothing) walks in with his two daughters.)

Customer: “Hi, this is my first time dropping my kids off here. Do I need to sign anything?”

Me: “Yes, sir, just sign here!”

(I hand him a “first time” liability waiver and he glances over it.)

Customer: “Three hours? That’s it?”

Me: “Uh, yes, sir… we aren’t allowed to watch children for more than three hours per day.”

Customer: “Well, all right, I guess.” *signs waiver*

Me: “Okay, you’re all set; have a good workout, sir!”

(He walks out. Our gym is quite large so I assumed he brought workout clothes and planned on changing. Three hours go by and he’s yet to pick up his daughters. After multiple announcements over the PA system I decide to investigate. Turns out he’s nowhere to be found in the entire gym. The gym manager pulls up his contact information and calls him.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Manager: “Hi, is this Mr. [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Manager: “This is [Gym] and we have your daughters… It’s been well over three hours and you aren’t allowed to leave the building if your children are in daycare.”

Customer: “But… I’m at work right now. I don’t get off for another five hours. You’re going to have to watch them until I’m off work.”

Manager: “Sir, we are not a daycare. We are a fitness club. We can only watch your children if you’re in the building working out.”

Customer: “Then why do you call it a daycare?! I can’t just leave work right now!”

Manager: “Sir, if you don’t come get your children we will have no choice but to call the police.”

Customer: “What? You can’t do that! I signed a form saying I could keep my children there!”

Manager: “That’s correct; the form you signed specifically mentions that guardians are not allowed to leave the building or keep their children here for more than three hours.”

Customer: “All right, fine!”

(He hung up. Twenty minutes later he came and picked up his daughters. My manager informed him that he was no longer allowed to keep his children in our care, and he subsequently cancelled his gym membership.)
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Old 06-14-2021   #165
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The Commute Must Be Out Of This World
BIZARRE, CALL CENTER, PRANKS, SILLY | RIGHT | MAY 1, 2008
(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives, age, etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like, for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your… Earth… information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name… Qinjax.)
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Old 06-14-2021   #166
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In A Tsary State, Part 2
LIQUOR STORE | RIGHT | OCTOBER 9, 2012
(A group of three Russian 20-somethings comes in; they’re unaware that I also speak Russian. Note: state law in Massachusetts says I have to card everyone in a group in order to sell them alcohol.)

Me: “May I see your IDs?”

(Two give me their IDs, but one doesn’t have it on him.)

Customer: “He’s not drinking.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I need his ID anyway. State law: I have to card the whole group.”

Customer: “But he’s not drinking.”

Me: “If you don’t all have IDs, I can’t sell this to you. Sorry, guys.”

(The man without his ID goes to their car to get it. He returns, I check it, and proceed to run the credit card through, but the customer is clearly upset by this minor inconvenience. I print out the receipt and the customer signs the store copy.)

Customer: *in Russian* “Here you go, b****.”

Me: *also in Russian* “Thank you! Bye bye, now!”

(I have never seen anyone leave the store that quickly before in my life!)
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Old 06-14-2021   #167
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A Transference Of Skills
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 19, 2016
(I work at a well-known chain of supermarkets; however, this story takes place at a well-known hardware store. The two stores are completely different. I am shopping at said hardware place one day.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have anymore of the drill sets that are on special this week out the back?”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I don’t actually work here.”

(The guy looked me up and down and laughed.)

Customer: “I am so sorry. I recognized you from [Supermarket where I work] and forgot where I actually was shopping. Sorry.”

Me: “No problem.”

(This has now become a recurring joke between this guy and me whenever we see each other around town. He actually has a great sense of humor.)
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Old 06-14-2021   #168
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No Refunds From A Fire Sale
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JULY 14, 2014
(There is a customer in the drive thru when we have to evacuate all of the employees due to a fire. The cashier has already taken her money but lays it down on the counter.)

Cashier: “The building is on fire. We have to leave.”

(An hour later, we are standing there watching it burn as the firefighters try to put it out. The same customer walks up.)

Customer: “I demand to see a manager.”

Me: “That would be me. May I ask what you need?”

Customer: “Can I get either my food or my money back since I already paid for it?”

Me: “Sure. Would you like that extra, extra well done?”
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Old 06-14-2021   #169
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Just Lost Their Chemistry
BANK, EMPLOYEES, JERK, MICHIGAN, USA | WORKING | FEBRUARY 20, 2014
(I am twenty years old and opening a new bank account. The account manager is trying to make small talk with me while the information processes. I should note that I appear to fit the “skinny blonde girl” stereotype.)

Manager: “So, are you in school?”

Me: “Yes. I just started my third year.”

Manager: “And what are you studying?”

Me: “I’m doing a double major in chemistry and physics.”

Manager: *stops typing and scrunches her face up a little* “Oh… wow. Really? Science? Are you sure that’s not too hard for you?”

Me: “Um, yes. I really enjoy it, and I seem to have a knack for it. I just aced a course on relativistic physics.”

Manager: “I didn’t expect you to say that. I expected something fluffy like interior decorating or fashion design. If you could excuse me for a second, I, uh, need to go get something from the back.”

(She walked away. Someone else came to finish up the paperwork as the original woman “was suddenly called away.”)
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Old 06-16-2021   #170
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Taxing Customers, Part 2
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 1, 2012
Me: “Hello, how are you, sir?”

Customer: “Just this.” *places a magazine on the counter*

Me: “That will be $2.20, please.”

Customer: “There’s tax!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Magazines are taxed.”

Customer: “To h*** with that! I ain’t payin’ no tax!” *stomps off*

Next Customer: *to the first customer* “Well, aren’t you a special snowflake?”
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Old 06-16-2021   #171
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As Sick As A Parrot
FAMILY & KIDS, PETS & ANIMALS, WORDPLAY, ZOO | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 10, 2014
(My friend is a small-mammal handler at a zoo. Today, she’s taken a particularly docile ferret out to let visitors encounter it first-hand. A couple comes in with a young child. I’m standing in the background.)

Mother: “Ooh, look, the zoo lady’s got a baby raccoon!”

Father: “That’s some sort of weasel!”

Child: “Mom, I wanna see the octopus.”

Mother: “Let’s go see the nice lady with the raccoon.”

Father: “Weasel.”

(The mother gives the father a look and then approaches my friend.)

Mother: “‘Excuse me, miss, what kind of animal is that?”

Friend: “This is a ferret. Her name is [Name] and she’s very friendly. You can pet her if you take care to avoid—”

Father: “Parrot?! That’s a weasel!”

Friend: “It’s a ferret. They’re in the weasel family, like—”

Father: “You sure?”

Friend: “Yes, very sure. Ferrets are among—”

Father: “Let’s go see the octopus, [Child].”

(They leave in a hurry. Curious, I follow them outside.)

Father: “D*** thing must have been sick. Pretty irresponsible of them to expose us to a sick parrot.”

Child: “Ferret.”

Father: “We just saw the parrot. I thought you wanted to see the octopus.”

Child: “Daddy, is your hearing aid on?”
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Old 06-16-2021   #172
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Flipping Out
CABLE COMPANY, EDITORS' CHOICE, GRANDPARENTS | RIGHT | DECEMBER 8, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”

(Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.)

Caller’s Grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the ’70s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”

(The grandson gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”

Me: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that, too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”

Caller’s Grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”

Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”

Caller’s Grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”

Me: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Tuesday.”

(The grandson relays this information.)

Caller’s Grandmother: “Oh, okay, then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”

Caller: *to me* “Bless you.”
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Old 06-16-2021   #173
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Without Money, You’re Just Funny
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | JUNE 20, 2012
(I work at the customer service counter at a grocery chain. We sell tickets for the state lotteries. A disheveled-looking gentleman approaches the counter and buys a ticket.)

Customer: “What’s the [lottery name] up to?”

Me: “The current jackpot is [amount].”

Customer: “That’d be kind of nice, you know. I’d be eccentric if I had that much money. Right now, I’m just weird!”
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Old 06-16-2021   #174
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Sorry, Please Chai Again
COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | MAY 20, 2014
(I am working in a new coffee shop on campus that is very busy at certain times of the day. We start to notice a professor pulling a scam on us at our peak times. Every day she waits until we are really busy. She waits with her friend in line but does not order anything. Then, after ‘waiting’ a while, she demands to know where her drink is. Several students are pulling this scam as well. We put up a sign that says you have to present your receipt, and make sure we tell everyone that orders. All the scams stop, except one.)

Professor: *slamming her hand over and over on the pickup counter* “Where is my chai?! Where is my chai?!”

Coworker: “Do you have your receipt?”

Professor: *indignant* “No.”

Coworker: “Then you don’t have a chai.”

(She never tried to pull the scam on us again!)
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Old 06-16-2021   #175
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A Mother So Bad You Can’t Make Her Up
AUSTRALIA, EDITORS' CHOICE, HOTEL, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, WEDDING, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 25, 2019
(I’m a freelance makeup artist. Given I live in a very small town, there’s only a few of us and if we’re booked for a big event we might struggle to handle, we often call each other to come help and split the money. We all charge pretty much the same rate so it works out great. However, we’re all known for different things being our best work. For example, I’m better known for crazy colourful eye looks, and I get booked a lot by local performers and drag artists because of this. The girl I’m working with at the time of this story is the only one in town that knows how to do airbrush makeup, and she has a portable kit to do it anywhere. While we can both do pretty much anything, there are things we are better at, and when we work together we tend to split up the work accordingly. She is hired to do a full bridal party: makeup for the bride, six bridesmaids, the mother of the bride, and the mother of the groom. It is a lunch wedding and, to avoid having to start at 6:00 am for the photographer to arrive at 11, she calls me. She shows up at 7:30 and starts doing everyone’s complexion; I roll in an hour later ready to do everyone’s eye makeup, brows, and lipstick. The bride is the sweetest woman on earth, as are the bridesmaids. They are all laughing, chatting to us, and offering us food, and the hairdresser is seamlessly slotting in between us and working on hair. The mother of the bride is a sweet lady, too, if a little shy. When I ask her what kind of look she wants, she quietly says, “Oh, I’m not sure if you’ve got a spackle gun in that kit, sweetheart,” which makes us all laugh, and she is amazed at how the airbrush makeup looks on her skin. Around 9:30, the problems start.)

Mother Of The Groom: “This is ridiculous; we’re going to be late.”

(By this point, everyone but her and one bridesmaid has their complexion finished, and I’ve done the rest on four bridesmaids and the bride’s mum. It is simple eye makeup, just a single colour through the crease and some winged liner with lashes and a nude lipstick. We are on track to be finished by 10:30, 10:45 at the latest. The photographer is coming at 11, and the wedding isn’t until 12:30. No way are we going to be late for anything.)

Mother Of The Groom: “I told you makeup was a huge waste of time and money. This is ridiculous.”

(One of the bridesmaids pipes up.)

Bridesmaid: “Mum, you chucked a fit that you weren’t invited to the makeup part of the morning. You’re here now. Suck it up.”

(The groom’s mum goes back to looking like she’s sucked on a lemon while the other makeup artist looks at me uneasily. I shrug and finish up the bride, who squeals happily at the mirror and hops out of the chair to hug me. The last bridesmaid approaches me and quietly asks if I could do her foundation, instead. She has cystic acne on her face and is nervous that the airbrush won’t smooth everything out properly. No worries. She hops into my chair and I start putting regular foundation and concealer on her, trying to match the glowy look we have on the other girls.)

Mother Of The Groom: *jerking her head around to look at everything while getting her airbrush done, frustrating my colleague* “Why does she get proper makeup and we get spray paint?”

Colleague: *cheerfully* “Oh, we’re just getting things done quickly since you’re nervous about the time!”

([Mother Of The Groom] seems to accept that and finally holds still long enough for my colleague to finish her foundation. Since I’m still working on the final bridesmaid, my coworker starts on her eye makeup.)

Mother Of The Groom: “Why are you doing my eyeshadow? Why isn’t she doing it? She did everyone else’s!”

(My colleague reminds her of the time and keeps working. I finish up on the final bridesmaid around the same time my colleague finishes up on [Mother Of The Groom], who jumps out of her chair without a word and announces she’s going back to her room to change. Sure enough, we’re finished with half an hour to spare. As we’re packing away our kits, the bride and the bridesmaid who told [Mother Of The Groom] to simmer down apologise for [Mother Of The Groom]’s behaviour. It’s apparently not the first thing she’s exploded about even today, let alone in general about the wedding. Having worked with difficult mothers in wedding parties before, we wave it off with a few jokes. The bride asks if we have anything else on today and no, we don’t, so she asks if she can pay us to stay on and do final touchups before the ceremony, and maybe put some lip-gloss on to the flower girls when they arrive to make them feel part of it. We agree and just move our kits off to one side and plan on going down to the hotel buffet to grab some food in the interim. We’re downstairs eating about an hour later when two bridesmaids come bolting through looking for us. One of them is stammering apologies, and the other one is just begging us to come with them. We all race back upstairs to find a crying bride in the hall and a VERY angry bridesmaid trying to console her. We can hear shouting from inside the room. When we open the door and go in, we find that my kit has been opened up and my eyeshadow palettes are scattered across the desk. [Mother Of The Groom] is crying and screaming at the bridesmaid who is her daughter, who is LIVID and gesturing wildly and yelling back. Apparently, [Mother Of The Groom] had decided she didn’t want the airbrush makeup and had washed it off. She also didn’t think that the tasteful brown eyeshadow we’d given her was right, and had broken into my kit and dragged out my eyeshadow palettes. Honestly, if she’d only done that I would have just been cranky, but oh, no. She’d found my water-activated stage makeup and had attempted to use that to give herself blue eyeshadow. This stuff DOESN’T work unless you get it wet, so she’d just gouged massive holes into a bunch of colours trying to make it work. There were clumps stuck to her face. She’d also attempted to use my foundation kit to put her complexion products back on, but had shade-matched herself wrong and applied it with her fingers, since my sponges and brushes were in a locked part of my kit. In the process, she’d knocked over the foundation bottle and it was EVERYWHERE. The angry bridesmaid finishes yelling; [Mother Of The Groom] is still crying and screaming. Suddenly, the groom walks through the door and stares at the carnage. We’re trying to salvage what we can from the bits of my kit she’s trashed and clean up foundation. The bride is now locked in the bathroom, crying.)

Groom: *eerily calm* “Shut up, Mum.”

Mother Of The Groom: *stops yelling* “What did you say to me?!”

Groom: “I said shut up. I knew you would do this. [Sister Bridesmaid] knew you would do this. [Bride] insisted we let you come to the getting-ready part because she wanted you to feel a part of today. Well, congratulations; now you aren’t part of it at all. You are not welcome at the wedding.”

([Mother Of The Groom] tries to argue, amps up her crying, and everything. [Groom] stands his ground like an absolute champ. After a few minutes, she huffs off, still screaming and crying. An older guy in a suit enters the room right as she leaves, having been screamed at by her in the hallway, too.)

Older Guy: “Well, then, if you kids were ever wondering why I didn’t stay married to that hag… that’s why.”

(We dragged the bride out of the bathroom and redid her entire face. We got her to the church five minutes late, but by the time we were done, she was laughing and giggling with her friends again. The groom’s dad shoved a handful of $50s into my friend’s hand and said he wouldn’t take no for an answer, and to replace the makeup in our kits his ex-wife had trashed. Ninety-nine out of a hundred weddings go off without a hitch in the makeup process, but this one absolutely took the cake. My friend and I wound up at our cars putting away our kits, staring at each other asking, “Did… Did that really happen?” Wackiest wedding day ever.)
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Old 06-16-2021   #176
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Provides A Pregnant Pause
CHILDREN, GAMES, MICHIGAN, OVERHEARD, USA, VIDEO GAME STORE | FRIENDLY | MARCH 4, 2011
(I pass by two very young girls, roughly eight years old.)

Girl: *to her friend* “I just had my first child!”

(I stop in my tracks before realizing that the children in question are playing a demo of ‘The Game of Life’.)
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Old 06-16-2021   #177
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Order(s) Out Of Disorder
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JUNE 5, 2013
(It’s 8:30 pm on a very slow Monday night, so my manager has sent everyone home except me and another server. Suddenly, we get slammed. Within 20 minutes I have over 20 tables. While I’m doing my best, about half my tables still need to be greeted, much less have their orders taken.)

Customer: “We need refills. It’s been like twenty minutes since you came over here last. We’re all done with our food and we’ve needed refills this whole time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I’ll be back in one second with those refills, okay?”

(I get the tables refilled, despite the fact that I have to ring in four other tables and check out three of them. Because I am so busy, I make a mistake and give him a regular soda like his friends instead of the diet soda he wants. After dropping them off and trying to attend to the outrageous amount of other guests needing me, he begins yelling for me.)

Customer: “HEY! LADY! WE NEED YOU OVER HERE NOW!”

(I look sympathetically at the couple I am currently taking the order for.)

Me: “I am so sorry about this; I will be right back.”

Couple: “Oh, don’t worry about it; we do understand. It’s crazy in here!”

(I hastily run to the shouting customer. He shoves the cup against my chest, sloshing soda on me and the floor.)

Customer: “Can I get a DIET soda this time? DIET? DI-ET, as in NOT REGULAR?”

(The shouting customer’s wife has been looking embarrassed during the whole exchange. She suddenly pipes up.)

Customer’s Wife: “SIT. DOWN!”

(The customer sits immediately, fuming. I refill his diet soda quickly, trying to ignore the cold soda all over me.)

Me: “Here you go, sir; I’m very sorry about that.”

Customer’s Wife: “Thank you so much dear. Whenever you get a chance, we’d like the bill. Take your time.”

(Trying not to cry, I take care of some other customers, including the poor couple I had to run away from, and then print their bill out. The husband does not look at me or talk to me again the rest of the time.)

Customer’s Wife: “You were an amazing waitress, honey. Thank you.”

(The wife left me a 30% tip, and the other couple dropped a $20 bill for my tip on top of their small, $20 tag.)
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Old 06-16-2021   #178
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You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof? Part 2
BIZARRE, FUNNY, HOSPITAL, MINNESOTA, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 15, 2021
My aunt is home alone while my uncle is at work. She decides to mow the lawn, gets distracted, and gets into an accident. She suffers multiple broken bones and a minor concussion but is able to crawl into the house, reach the telephone, and dial 911 to request an ambulance. She gets wheeled into the emergency room and the doctor enters.

Doctor: “Hello, [Aunt], can you tell me what happened?”

Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.”

Doctor: “Umm… I’m sorry, what was that?”

Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn, and I fell off the roof onto the driveway.”

Doctor: “How… Okay. What roof were you on?”

Aunt: “The house.”

Doctor: “Hmm. And what were you doing on the roof?”

Aunt: “Mowing the lawn.”

Doctor: “Okay, [Aunt]. I think we’ll start prepping for surgery now.”

My uncle makes it to the hospital while my aunt is in surgery, and the doctor comes out to update him.

Doctor: “[Aunt] is doing well. She has suffered a broken back, multiple broken ribs, a cracked pelvis, and a few broken bones in her legs. She also has a concussion. Fortunately, none of her internal organs seem to be damaged, and her spinal cord has not been damaged. She may have a permanent limp or similar mobility challenges, but I believe she will otherwise make a full recovery with enough time.”

Uncle: “Thank you.”

Doctor: “I do have to ask one thing, though. I’m not sure exactly what happened that caused these injuries. [Aunt] tried to explain, but I think she was confused because of the concussion. Do you have any idea what might have happened?”

Uncle: “What did she say?”

Doctor: “She said she… Well, she said she fell off the roof while mowing the lawn.”

Uncle: *To himself* “Oh, so that’s why the lawn mower was in the driveway.”

Doctor: “Umm, [Uncle]?”

Uncle: “Well, she’s not wrong. We built our house into the side of a hill. We dug out the front of the hill and built a frame to keep the hill from collapsing. Then we built a house within the frame. The top and the other sides of the hill weren’t touched except for clearing some trees, so there’s still grass growing over the hill. We use a riding lawn mower to mow the lawn, which includes the hill that we dug out. [Aunt] must have been mowing the hill — which is basically our roof — and got distracted or something broke on the lawn mower, and she drove off the edge of the hill. I’ll bring in a picture of our house tomorrow to give you a better idea.”

The next day, my uncle did bring in a picture of the house, and the doctor was finally able to understand what my aunt meant when she said she was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.

And now for the happy ending: my aunt did make a full recovery, with only a slight limp today. However, she has been banned from mowing the lawn ever since!

Related:
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Old 06-16-2021   #179
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You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof?
ALBERTA, CANADA, FUNNY, HOME, SPOUSES & PARTNERS | ROMANTIC | JUNE 4, 2021
We live under the flight path of a nearby small airport. Once in a while, there is an unusual engine noise and we see a vintage plane of one type or another.

On Friday, it was very cloudy. I heard a plane flying quite low. I commented on that to my husband. He just looked at me.

Husband: “That’s a lawnmower.”
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Old 06-16-2021   #180
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Poison Oak Is Natural But It Still Itches Like Crazy!
HEALTH & BODY, NORTHERN IRELAND, ONLINE, STRANGERS, UK | HEALTHY | JUNE 13, 2021
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.



A few years ago, my wife experimented with a certain brand of mycoprotein-based products. The first time we ate some, I became ill with vomiting and stomach cramps. I foolishly assumed that these were caused by something else, but the second time we ate some, it happened again and we very quickly realised I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products, a phenomenon which is pretty well documented.

About nine months ago, I saw a Facebook advert for this particular brand and commented, saying that while I thought this product was a great idea, regrettably, I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products so would have to avoid eating them.

Then, I got THIS reply from a random Facebook user I don’t even know.

Stranger: “Well, you’re clearly an idiot, then. You can’t get ill from [product]. It’s natural. NATURAL PRODUCTS DON’T MAKE YOU ILL!”

I didn’t have the heart to point out to her that latex, peanuts, kiwi fruit, and eggs are all-natural and can ALL trigger serious allergic reactions.

Like I say, this phenomenon is pretty well documented, and in some cases, people have eaten mycoprotein and ended up in ICU! I’m not really sure what this woman on Facebook was thinking.
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