Health Care stories

Doctored Doctor Note
RETAIL | WORKING | APRIL 6, 2015
(I work as a manager in a retail store. I have one employee who always calls in.)

Employee: *on the phone* “I cannot come in today. I am sick!”

Me: “Well, this is the seventh time this month you have been sick and the 28th time this year so far. Please provide a doctor’s note, because you have yet to bring one in.”

Employee: “It’s illegal to not let me take off sick days!”

Me: “I said bring a doctor’s note, not come into work. You are required to bring in a doctor’s note and you have not. The next time this happens without a note, you will be written up. This is the seventh time in three weeks you have called in.”

Employee: “I have a weak immune system!”

Me: “I am sure a doctor’s note will help prove that.”

Employee: ‘This is illegal!”

Me: “It is in no way illegal to require a doctor’s note. If you are this chronically ill, then urging you to get treatment would be the best course of action. I will see you tomorrow.” *hangs up*

(The next day

Employee: “Here, look. I said I was sick!”

Me: *looking at obviously fake doctor’s note, made on the employee’s computer* “I… really? This says to excuse you from work for two weeks because of a ‘traumitic’ illness of the ‘lunges’. Is that supposed to be ‘lungs’? And where exactly is Dr. R. McDonald in this town? I am unfamiliar with that practice.”

Employee: “Oh, uh, next town over.”

Me: “Really? Which one? Also, I would love to know where the number 555-555-5555 is located or 555 Main Street. If you are going to give me a fake doctor’s note, at least use the number and address of a friend and not a whole bunch of ‘5’s.”

Employee: “That is not fake! I demand that you give me my legally required days of! The doctor ordered it!”

Me: “I am not playing this game. You are fired.”

Employee: “You cannot do that! This is illegal!”

Me: “Really? You called in without cause for seven days this month alone, caused backups and under-staffing, now you are lying about a doctor’s note. I am sending this note to corporate and you are fired for neglecting your duties repeatedly.”

Employee: *screaming* “You cannot do this!”

Me: “Aren’t those lungs supposed to be ‘traumitically ill’? Those sure sound healthy to me. Also, I just googled the doctor, just to humor you. Do you want to guess what I found?”

Employee: *throws name tag at me, still yelling*

Me: “Great, I will add assault to the list of reasons I fired you when I talk to corporate.”

Fee For The Taking
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | AUGUST 7, 2012
Caller: “I would like free shipping for this product.”

Me: “We’re sorry, but we don’t have any free shipping deals today.”

Caller: “I want free shipping.”

Me: “There is no free shipping, so I really can’t give you free shipping.”

Caller: “I don’t want the product, then.”

(I decide to try another approach.)

Me: “How about I add $6.99 to your order and then give you free shipping? Would that be okay?”

Caller: “That would be great! Thank you so much! Thanks for the great customer service!”

Me: “Okay, sir. You go have a good day.”

Caller: “Thank you! Thanks for the free shipping!”

Actions Are Totally Out Of Order
CHURCH | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 5, 2014
(It is near the end of my shift and I am cleaning the bathrooms in my section. The only event currently going on is being held at the other end of the building; there are two other sets of bathrooms and several closed doors between the event and my area. Nonetheless, out of habit, I have put up the “CLOSED FOR CLEANING” sign in the doorway of the women’s bathroom. It’s a bright yellow sign, on a bright yellow safety bar, that is at chest level so that people can’t just walk underneath it. I have just finished cleaning the mirrors and sinks. As I turn away from the mirrors, a woman walks in.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but this bathroom is closed.”

Woman: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because I’m cleaning it.”

Woman: “Well, you should have a sign up!”

Me: “Uh, I do. Right across the doorway”

Woman: “Well, that doesn’t apply to me! I have to go!”

Me: “Are you with the group on the other side of the church?”

Woman: “YES! Now let me use the bathroom!”

Me: “Ma’am, you would have had to pass by two other bathrooms on the way down here. Those were much closer to your event.”

Woman: “I wanted to use this one!”

(My bathrooms aren’t that special; they’re the oldest bathrooms in the building. The ones by her event are much nicer and had been renovated only a year ago. One toilet in my bathroom is also out of order, while we wait for a back-ordered part to come in.)

Me: “All right, fine.”

(She tries to go into the stall with the big ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign. The stall is locked AND taped shut, since people had been ignoring the sign most of the week and unlocking the stall. Thus far, the tape had deterred them.)

Woman: “Why can’t I get in here?! I want in! I have to go!”

Me: “Ma’am, that stall is out of order. The toilet doesn’t work. That’s why there’s a sign and the door is taped shut. There are seven other stalls that are just fine.”

Woman: *huffing* “FINE!”

(I go out to my cart to take inventory of what I need to restock before I leave, while I wait for her to finish. A few minutes later, she comes barreling out, knocking my sign out of the doorway.)

Woman: “Your toilet is broken!” *storms off down the hall*

(I rolled my eyes, put the sign back, and went to clean whichever toilet she used, figuring she had probably gotten the one with the finicky flusher. She hadn’t. What she had done was unlock the out of order stall and ripped the tape down… and then ripped down the out of order sign, tossed it in the toilet, and urinated and defecated on it. I had to call my shift supervisor down to turn the water back on to that toilet so I could clean it, which left me with a flooded floor from the huge leak that had necessitated closing that toilet in the first place.)

A Transfer Of Opinion
OFFICE | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 25, 2013
(My colleague is a very nice, bright, helpful, hardworking person who is the favorite of the boss. She has been recently granted a transfer to another department that she has wanted to be in ever since she started working at my company.)

Colleague: “Hi [Boss], I’ve been approved for a transfer to another department. As you know, I’ve been quite open about working in that department and have asked for a transfer a year ago already.”

Boss: “Okay, okay, when is your last day?”

Colleague: “A month from now.”

Boss: “Okay, I’ll be sad to see you leave.”

(Fast forward a month and a week later. My colleague has been working until after 10 pm daily, and has been coming back on weekends to clear her workload. She has no time to pack her things until her last day, as my boss keeps giving her new projects to handle all the way to the last day, and most of them require months of work to complete. My colleague has to hand over these projects to Colleague #2 , on the last day.)

Boss: “[Colleague #2 ], why are you doing this work? I thought it was supposed to be done by [Colleague].”

Colleague #2 : “Well, she has gone to another department, so she handed all these to me before she left.”

Boss: “How dare she! That is so irresponsible! I knew I shouldn’t have taken her into my department. She is so unreliable, and has a bad working attitude! Good riddance to bad rubbish!”

Different Kinds Of Alarm Bells Should Be Ringing
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | JULY 8, 2014
(During the night I get a phone call from our security company informing me that our security alarm is going off. The assistant manager and I meet at the store and manage to ascertain the cause of the problem is a door which had been opened earlier that day that links our premises to the travel agent next door. This door is normally locked and only the travel agents have a key. While closing it we trigger their alarm and call the police in the hope they can contact their key-holders about the situation. They are unable to get hold of the key-holders themselves but give me the number for their security company.)

Employee: “Hello, [Security Company].”

Me: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of [Coffee Shop]. We have been advised to call you by the police regarding an alarm that has been set off at the premises of one of your clients.”

Employee: “Okay, no problem. What’s your password?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a password. We’re not one of your clients. The travel agents next door are and we’re calling to try and give you information so you can contact them.”

Employee: “So if you don’t have their password do you have your password?”

Me: “No, sorry. I think there may have been a misunderstanding. Our store is not a client of yours but we have set off an alarm at the travel agents next door who are one of your clients. It has been caused by a door that links the two properties. We need to get in contact with them to let them know the cause of the problem and to find out if they can lock the door as we don’t have a key for it.”

Employee: “I can’t let you contact them without a password.”

Me: “I’m not trying to contact them. I’m asking you to contact them. There is a security issue at your clients property and you are their security company. You will need to contact them about this; I want to give you information to help them to solve the problem.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. I can’t do anything without your password.”

Me: “So, you’re telling me I can’t let you know about a security issue at your client’s premises unless I have a password? It’s your duty to call your clients when their alarms are going off but you have no way of letting members of the public notify you their alarm is going off without a password? In spite of the fact that if I had a password I would presumably be a member of their staff and thus not need to contact you to let you know the alarm was going off?”

Employee: “That is correct.”

(Since the conversation was going nowhere I hung up. I contacted the travel agents the next day and they had not even received the mandatory call the security company should have made to them to let them know the alarm had been activated.)

Unbearably Bad Ideas
EDITORS' CHOICE, FAMILY & KIDS, PETS & ANIMALS, RESORT | RIGHT | APRIL 28, 2009
(I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)

Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”

Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats, and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple of wolves, too, and we get a lot of bears.”

Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”

Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”

Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”

Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”

He’s Gonna Need A Huge Courtroom
CALL CENTER, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, GEOGRAPHY, IDAHO, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 16, 2008
(I’m calling to renew magazine subscriptions.)

Me: “Hello, may I speak with [Customer]?”

Customer: “This is him, and you know… I’ve gotten five calls from Boise, Idaho, today!”

Me: “So sorry, but I assure you it wasn’t us. Our system only calls once per day.”

Customer: “Do you work for them! Do you work for Boise, Idaho?”

Me: “Yeah, I guess. But there are a number of call centers here in Boise. Maybe one of them called you?”

Customer: “No! It was Boise, Idaho! You know what? This is what’s going to happen… Let me have your name!”

Me: *gives name*

Customer: “Well, son, you are now involved in a lawsuit! I am suing Boise, Idaho, and everyone who works for Boise, Idaho!”

Me: “…are you serious?”

Customer: “Yes! I get calls all the time from Boise, Idaho, and I’m sick of it! I’m on a ‘do not call’ list!”

Me: “Well, you subscribed to this magazine, so the list doesn’t apply. However, I can put you on our system’s ‘do not call’ list and we will never bother you again.”

Customer: “This is so illegal. I’m taking your job and suing Boise, Idaho!”

Me: “I wish you the best of luck in suing Boise, Idaho, sir. I really do.” *click*

In Some Cultures, The Conch Is Blown For Good Luck
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2011
(A lady comes through my checkout line with some frozen conch chowder.)

Me: “I’ve never tried this chowder before. Is it any good?”

Customer: *loudly* “Oh, yes! I just love cock! That’s how you say it, right? Cock?”

Me: “Ma’am, I think its pronounced conch…”

Should Have Exercised Some Restraint
RETAIL | WORKING | JUNE 22, 2016
(I’m overweight and have been trying to lose some. I’ve already started, thanks to diet and exercise, and go to the health food store to see about getting something to boost it before meeting a friend for lunch. Being a small store there’s only a new employee there and he’s clearly chatting up a rather attractive girl. I go up to him after about 10 minutes.)

Me: “Excuse me? Sorry to interrupt but I’m looking for something to help with weight loss. Can you recommend something?”

Employee: “How about you stop eating and go exercise instead?”

(He looked at the girl, clearly expecting a laugh, but she looked disgusted and left. He was even more horrified when the manager appeared without me even asking. He doesn’t work there anymore.)

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Ill-Flavored
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | FEBRUARY 11, 2014
(I teach at a small charter high school. I keep a container of candy on my desk, and most students respect it. If they leave it alone, I give candy out during class when the students are working. I start to notice my candy disappearing, so I go out and buy a huge stash of the ‘Jelly Belly Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.’ I wait until right before third period, which is when I know I have an issue with “‘sticky fingers.’ I pour the candy in the bowl and leave the room before the bell rings, checking the hallways for lurkers. I come back in and start class.)

Student #1 : “Eww!”

Student #2 : *gags*

(The two students run from the back of the room to start hacking into the trashcan, spitting and fighting over a water bottle. I wait for them to stop and look up.)

Me: “Sooooo. What did we learn?”

Indecisively Incognito
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 21, 2011
(I am calling a customer, we’ll call him John Smith, to get feedback on a service he registered with. It’s required that they verify their name.)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling from [organization]. May I speak to John Smith?”

Customer: “Yeah, who’s calling?”

Me: “This is [my name]. I’m calling because you recently signed up for one of our services and we’re gathering feedback. Is this a good time to talk?”

Customer: “Oh, uh…John isn’t here right now.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’d be happy to call back. When’s a good time?”

Customer: “I don’t know. What’s this about?”

Me: “We’re just trying to improve our programs and services. It’s optional, but we’d like to get as much feedback from our customers as possible.”

Customer: “Okay, go ahead.”

Me: “I do need to speak to Mr. Smith, though. When will he be available?”

Customer: “He’s available now.”

Me: “Oh, may I speak to him then?”

Customer: “You are speaking to him.”

Me: “Oh.” *laughing* “You got me. Why didn’t you say this was John Smith at first?”

Customer: “I didn’t know who you were.”

Me: “I see. Okay, shall we begin then? I just have a few questions. So to begin, what is your first name?”

Customer: “No, I don’t give out my name over the phone.”

Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t get attached to your answers, it’s just to confirm–”

Customer: “You don’t have my name. I’m not giving you my name.”

Me: “Well, Mr. Smith, I already have your name, but I don’t do anything with it except to have something to call you by–”

Customer: “This isn’t Mr. Smith.”

Me: “It’s not? But you said–”

Customer: “You asked if you were speaking to John Smith, and I said yes. But I’m not telling you who I am. C’mon, I wanna do the survey.”

Me: “I have to do it with the customer, though. If Mr. Smith is available later, though–”

Customer: “No, he’s available! I’m available!”

Me: “So this is John Smith? Again, I can assure you that your feedback is anonymous.”

Customer: “I don’t give out any information over the phone. I don’t know who you are.”

(Thinking that maybe the lines have crossed, I ask to verify the phone number to be sure this is actually the customer’s number.)

Customer: “Maybe that’s the number you called, maybe not. I’ll answer your questions though. And also…”

(He begins rattling off suggestions for improving our services.)

Me: “If I can’t verify that I called the right person at the right number, I can’t take down any of this. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But I’m who you’re looking for!”

Me: “So, you’re John Smith?”

Customer: “Maybe! Let’s do the survey.”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry, sir, but there’s nothing I can do if you can’t verify your identity. Have a good evening.”

Customer: “Wait! I’ll do the survey!”

Please Let These Questions Be Rhetorical, Part 2
DELI, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 3, 2009
Customer: “If I order a meat and cheese tray, do I have to get meat and cheese?”

Me: “Well, we have other trays, like vegetable and fried appetizer trays.”

Customer: “No, I want a meat and cheese tray. Do I have to get meat and cheese?”

Me: *confused* “… You want just meat or just cheese? Is that what you want?”

Customer: “NO! I want a meat and cheese tray and I want to know if I have to get meat and cheese!”

Wiggled Out Of That One
RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 1, 2014
(I am the stupid customer in this one. I have just bought a wig from a friend for a costume I am working on and am wearing it to break it in and get used to the feel. I am also wearing contacts, but keep my glasses in my pocket in case the contacts begin to irritate me. I go to a local corner store for a pack of cigarettes.)

Cashier: “May I see your ID?”

Me: (*gives ID*)

Cashier: “…um. Sir, this isn’t you.”

Me: “What do you mean it’s– Oh, s***. One moment.”

(I remove the wig and put on my glasses.)

Me: “Better?”

Cashier: (*confused*) “I, um… Sure, that’s a match.”

A Transference Of Skills
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 19, 2016
(I work at a well-known chain of supermarkets; however, this story takes place at a well-known hardware store. The two stores are completely different. I am shopping at said hardware place one day.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have anymore of the drill sets that are on special this week out the back?”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I don’t actually work here.”

(The guy looked me up and down and laughed.)

Customer: “I am so sorry. I recognized you from [Supermarket where I work] and forgot where I actually was shopping. Sorry.”

Me: “No problem.”

(This has now become a recurring joke between this guy and me whenever we see each other around town. He actually has a great sense of humor.)

Giving Him A Good Dressing Down
BAR | RIGHT | DECEMBER 11, 2013
(I am bartending. A nicely dressed couple in their 20s comes in and order drinks at the bar. They’ve been polite and quiet. The woman is on the heavier side, but still quite cute in her skirt. When the woman’s boyfriend goes to the restroom, a rowdy customer in a polo shirt, who has been obnoxious all night, approaches the bar.)

Rowdy Customer: “Hey! Hey! I need another gin and tonic! Hey!”

Me: “I’ll be right with you. Just let me fill this order.”

(As I’m filling the other order, I look up and see the rowdy customer eyeing the woman. He leans onto the bar while staring at her.)

Rowdy Customer: “Hey, you.”

(The woman ignores him, and turns slightly away.)

Rowdy Customer: “You know, a pig in a dress is still just a pig in a dress!”

(At this point, I’m speechless. I see the woman’s face turn from a smile into an extremely angry frown. Before I can say anything, the woman turns towards him.)

Woman: “Yeah, and you know, an a**hole in a polo is still just an a**hole in a polo!”

Rowdy Customer: “I… what?”

Me: “You can pay up and get out of here for harassing other customers. That’s what!”

Rowdy Customer: “This is bull-s***!”

(The rowdy customer leaves some money on the counter and storms out. I turn to the woman.)

Me: “Hey, that was the best thing I’ve heard all night! Can I get you and your boyfriend the next round?”

(She smiles and accepts, ordering a drink for herself and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes back after everything has quieted down.)

Me: “Here’s your free round. Really, that was a great come back! It made my day!”

Woman: “Thanks!”

License To Be A Girl
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | JANUARY 15, 2016
Caller: “I need to file a claim. The tow truck driver removed equipment from my car.”

Me: “What equipment was taken off?”

(Anything bolted or wired into the vehicle is considered part of the vehicle, all other items will be removed for storage in case the vehicle goes to the auction.)

Caller: “My license plate.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “…Did you say your license plate?”

(These are legally considered personal property and we HAVE to remove them for storage.)

Caller: “Yes. Now I have to take it to a mechanic to have them put it back on.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s two screws that are probably still on the vehicle. All you need is a screw driver or a quarter to stick in the grooves on the screw head.”

Caller: “BUT I’M A GIRL! I don’t know how to use any of those tool things!”

Me: *looks down… yep… still a girl… wonders if my voice is particularly manly today* “Ma’am, I will call the company that towed your car. The guy there owes me a favor. Just turn around and politely ask them to replace the plate. If you’re nice to them, they’ll be nice to you.”

Caller: “For free?”

Me: “I’ll arrange for them to waive the fees.”

(This happened to be my monitored call for the month. My manager laughed her way through my review.)

Coming Out Can Be A Gamble
HOME | RELATED | JANUARY 30, 2013
(I’m at my boyfriend’s house. We were best friends, but fell in love pretty fast. We are gay, but he didn’t come out until today, so I’m there to support him. His father is sitting in the living room and surfing online, while his mother is right next to him knitting.)

Boyfriend: “Hey…um…I wanted to tell you that I’m gay. [Me] and I have been together for a long time.”

Father: *looking up and taking a deep breath* “So you are gay and [me] is your boyfriend?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah…” *visibly uncomfortable*

Father: *turning to mother* “You heard that? You owe me 20 Euro!”

A Repeated Observation
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | LEARNING | NOVEMBER 1, 2013
(I’m going back to school after working as a teacher for several years, so I’m older and more experienced than the other students in my introductory anatomy class.)

Student In My Group: “It didn’t change color, but we know that it’s a reducing sugar, so should I put down that it was a positive reaction?”

Me: “Guys, science is not just writing down what you think you already know. It’s about observation. It didn’t change color, so there was no reaction. That’s why reproducibility is so important. We could have done any number of things wrong. All we know is what we observed, so that’s what we put down.”

Student In Another Group: “This has to be a lipid, but it didn’t change color. Should I just put it down as positive?”

Professor: “Guys, science is not just writing down what you think you already know. It’s about observation. It didn’t change color, so there was no reaction.”

Me: “Did she just plagiarize me?”

We’ll Need A Mop To Soak Up All The Bigotry
RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 17, 2012
(I am doing a product demonstration show and I decide to do a character because it makes the job go by fast and it’s more fun. While doing a demonstration in my “Getting Married” character, an old woman in her late 80s takes a mop from me. As she’s about to buy it, she asks me a few questions.)

Customer: “So, you’re getting married? Oh, that’s lovely. What’s your fella like?”

Me: “Julia is a girl and she is the love of my life. We’re getting married in November.”

Customer: “A girl? You’re a dy**?”

Me: “I prefer lesbian, but yes, I am.”

Customer: “A DY** SOLD ME A MOP!”

(The woman proceeds to toss the mop at me and then go get a manager.)

Customer: “Did you know that you have a dy** working here?”

Manager: “Ma’am, I don’t think she appreciates you calling her that.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want a God d*** dy** selling me things that I need. I can’t take them if she sells it to me.”

Manager: “Why don’t I get one of my associates to ring you through?”

Customer: “I’d like that very much.”

(The manager runs her through, but gives me a $50 gift card to our store. Thank you, prejudiced old woman. I got really nice sheets.)

No Reservations About Reservations
GERMANY, HAMBURG, RESTAURANT, TIME | RIGHT | MARCH 25, 2011
(The time is exactly 7:42 pm.)

Customer: “Hello. I’d like to make a reservation for two this evening, please.”

Me: “Absolutely. What time will you be back?”

Customer: “At a quarter to eight.”

(I wait to see if this is a joke.)

Me: “So, for right now?”

Customer: *completely deadpan* “Yes.”