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[florida80]

Discharging Hard Truths

Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, USA | Healthy | December 3, 2017


I was in an ER cubicle patiently waiting for a doctor to be free to treat my migraine, which is considered low-priority in triage. It was a very busy night, but amazingly quiet so my headache wasn’t exacerbated by sounds. And then, HE arrived in an ambulance.

We were able to hear that he had gotten drunk, climbed onto the bar’s roof, and fallen through a skylight.

Though he was at least 40 yards from me, his continual yells were overwhelming, causing me pain, confusion, and dizziness. Because of that, I couldn’t understand most of what he yelled, but did manage to hear him demanding more alcoholic drinks and trying to get out of bed, and that they had to restrain him.

By the time a doctor went to examine him, I was crying from pain and at the end of my ability to cope. The doctor began talking to the drunk: “And what’s going on with you tonight?”

I snapped and yelled, “HE’S DRUNK AND STUPID!”

The entire ward went silent and then we heard giggles. The doctor bustled into my cubicle, followed in minutes by a nurse with a syringe.

Within fifteen minutes of my outburst, I had been medicated and discharged.

[florida80]

Let’s Not Split Hairs About Who It Is For

Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, USA | Healthy | December 2, 2017


Because of family history, I need a specific medical test every five years. My husband always accompanies me to the pre-test appointments. The doctor is mostly bald and does not like jokes about it.

Please note that my husband has been balding for quite a few years. A few years before this appointment, I had made my husband a baseball hat, which said, “Wish you were hair.” I hadn’t realized he was wearing it.

The doctor took one look at the hat, got a sour face, and said, “Is that meant for me?”

At first we were too startled to say anything. Then my husband removed his hat to show his own balding head. He and I burst out laughing. After his own startled pause, the doctor joined in

[florida80]

Thyroid Void

Medical Office, USA | Healthy | December 1, 2017


(I have hypothyroidism, which has been successfully controlled with medication for several years. Over a couple months, however, I notice that some of my symptoms are returning. I call my doctor, and she says she will do a blood test. I go to her office for the results.)

Doctor: “Okay, so your thyroid level is at 4.9.”

(The maximum is five.)

Me: “Well, no wonder I’ve been feeling sick! That’s very high.”

Doctor: “Oh, no. You’re fine. Five is the top of the normal range. You’re still under that.”

Me: “But a lot of my old symptoms are coming back. I can’t sleep at night, I’m tired during the day, I’m freezing cold all the time—”

Doctor: “You’re under stress. It’s normal.”

Me: “I HAVE GAINED 20 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS!”

Doctor: “Well, you just need to go on a diet.”

Me: “I exercise five days a week, and I eat my fruits and veggies! I don’t feel like myself. I know my body, and I need a medication change!”

Doctor: “Well, I’m not giving you one, because you’re normal.”

(She tells me to exercise more and gives me a vitamin supplement. I fume, but take it. A couple months later, I move to a different state. I go in for an appointment with my new doctor.)

New Doctor: “I’ve been reviewing your test results from your previous doctor, and I noticed your thyroid is at 4.9. That’s very high. Are you feeling okay at that number?”

Me: “Not at all! I tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen. She kept saying it was normal.”

New Doctor: “I’m not surprised. Older guidelines allow it to get that high, but I’ve found that my patients feel better when their thyroid is at three or under. I’m going to order some more blood work.”

(The new blood test shows that my number skyrocketed to a six. My new doctor changes my medication immediately. It takes a year and three medicine changes to get it right. It turned out that my thyroid number had been creeping up for a couple years, and my old doctor had just ignored it. I’m happy to report that I’m much better now!)

[florida80]

It Takes More Than Money To Clear A Bill

Columbia, Medical Office, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | December 1, 2017


(I get about a $3,000 bill from a doctor I had seen several months prior. I am confused because I know my insurance had paid it. I call the billing dept. but get no answer and leave a message. I forget about it until the next month when the bill comes again. Once again, I call, leave a message, and forget about it. Then I get a letter threatening to send me to a collection agency. I call my insurance company to double check. They tell me that not only have they paid it, but had a duplicate charge under a different account number that was of course denied. I start calling every other day. The office phones aren’t open until 10 am and they shut them down at 3:30 pm. I either get a recording and leave a message or the receptionist tells me everyone is in a meeting. This goes on for over three weeks. Then I get another threatening letter. I even go to the office in person but am told everyone is in a meeting and no one can talk to me. At this point I have had it. I wait until 10 pm at night. I call and get the voicemail system. When it says press “1” for nurse, I do so and leave a detailed, angry message that NO ONE will return my calls, I am being threatened with being sent to a collection agency for a bill that was paid, and someone better call me back or I am filing fraud charges with the insurance company and talking to a lawyer. I hang up and call back and do it again after pressing a number for a different department. I go through the entire employee directory. I do this for almost two hours and leave dozens of messages on EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE’S voicemail. I then call the doctor’s emergency after-hours line and leave the same message there. The next morning, at 10:01, I call the office. The receptionist recognizes my voice.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, I have the office manager here for you” *transfers me*

Manager: “Good morning, Mrs. [My Name]. I was just about to call you.”

Me: “Yeah, I bet you were.”

Manager: *sheepishly* “Yeah, everyone is talking about the messages you left, especially the doctor.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like you left me much choice.”

(She apologizes and explains. The guy who was handling the bills was creating fake patient accounts and double billing the insurance companies. Most didn’t catch it, paid the doctor, and then the guy stole the money. They fired him but have such a paperwork mess to clean up and had to gather the evidence to convict him that they didn’t have time to call the patients.)

Me: “I understand, but that is no excuse. You are sending me letters threatening to send me to a collection agency.”

Manager: “What?! Crap, the computers are printing those out automatically. We didn’t know any had been mailed out.”

Me: “Yeah, well they are and you better start answering these calls because you have some very peeved off patients who, like me, are calling lawyers.”

(She apologized again and told me that my account had been cleared up. I wonder, though, about all the others who just kept calling and getting nowhere.)

[florida80]

A Relaxed Attitude To Drugs

England, Hospital, UK | Healthy | December 1, 2017


(I am a medical student. This is my first ever interaction in a hospital setting. The patient has been admitted for a serious lung issue, and is due to return home. It proceeds well, until it is time to round off the conversation:)

Me: “So, I’ve been told you’re being discharged today; is that correct?”

Patient: “Yes, that’s right. I’m going to go and see my friend when I get out. She’s really stressed.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have anything nice planned?”

Patient: “We’re going to bake some weed brownies. That should help us relax!” *laughs*

Me: “Well, at least you’re not smoking it!” *nervous laughter*

(Interesting start to medicine. I’m glad she took my comment well. I just wasn’t expecting it!)

[florida80]

Going Toe-To-Toe With The GP

Medical Office, Oklahoma, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | November 30, 2017


(I have a horrible ingrown toenail. My GP determines that surgery is necessary. He is right, as after half of it is cut away, I still have a normal toenail remaining. The surgery is done under general anesthesia, a move I thought was overkill, but it is a success. Some years later I am seeing a podiatrist about the same problem with the other foot and the doctor concludes the same treatment. I tell him about the first surgery.)

Doctor: “They gave you general anesthesia? That’s ridiculous. Was it a GP?”

Me: “I thought it was extreme. Yes, he was my GP.”

Doctor: “Figures. GP’s don’t know how to anesthetize a toe. Okay, let’s get this taken care of today.”

(He sets me up for surgery, sticks a needle in the base of my toe and injects me. After a bit he uses something pointy to test my toe.)

Doctor: “There, you shouldn’t be feeling anything.”

Me: “I can feel that quite easily. Try again.” *I look away so he knows I’m no cheating by watching* “Yeah, I can still feel it.”

Doctor: “Hmm. Let’s get you some more anesthesia.”

(After a bit, it’s still not numb. I’m suddenly feeling a great lack of confidence after hearing his short diatribe about GPs.)

Doctor: “Well, on a few rare individuals, the main nerve for that part of the toe runs up the wrong side of the toe. Let me see if that’s it.”

(Lucky for him (and me) that turned out to be exactly the case. I still get a wry grin thinking about him complaining that another doctor couldn’t just numb my toe.)

[florida80]

Expecting A Faint Chance

Hospital, Israel, Tel Aviv | Healthy | November 30, 2017


(I recently fractured my wrist and hand in a bad fall. I am seeing my doctor and a follow-up appointment. Due to being unable to drive myself, my boyfriend drives me and stays while they draw blood. It’s important to note I’m only 1.60 m and he is a large man, over 2 m tall.)

Doctor: “Well, the results look good, no infections, and the x-rays show your hand and wrist are healing well. Oh, and congratulations.”

Me: “For being clumsy? Or having good bones?”

Doctor: “No… congratulations.”

Boyfriend: “For what?”

Doctor: “You’re expecting, or did you not know?”

Me: “Expecting what?”

Doctor: “A baby. You’re pregnant. We ran the results twice. You’re going to have a baby.”

(While I tried to process being pregnant, my boyfriend stood up, then promptly fainted, landing face first on the floor and leaving a nasty bruise on his forehead. Now we have a great story to tell our future child about how their big, strong father fainted when he heard the news!)

[florida80]

Truly Acting The Part

College & University, England, Essex, UK | Healthy | November 30, 2017


(I am a paramedic student. As part of my training, we run simulated scenarios with one, two, or four students and actor(s) to be the patient (and bystanders). We have a scenario where I and another student have to respond to a man who has attempted suicide and slit both his wrists. While we’re treating him I drop a bandage and a few members of my class giggle. The actor, being the little legend he is, responds by saying:)

Actor: “All those people are laughing at me.”

(I had to struggle not to laugh while my partner, a seasoned EMT who is getting her UK cert, reassured him that he was just seeing things.)

[florida80]

Anti-Antibiotics

Massachusetts, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | November 29, 2017


(I have a mild immune deficiency. This makes me highly susceptible to severe sinus infections. This also means that only antibiotics administered within the first week of symptoms will quickly cure my sinus infections. Anything else does nothing and it will take several months for my immune system to fight off the infection. This is well-documented.)

Doctor: “It seems your daughter’s infections are chronic. I’m going to prescribe your daughter [Medication that relies on and boosts the immune cells already present] and ask that you check back to tell me if it helped.”

Mom: “No. You have prescribed my daughter this medication and those like it before and it does nothing. She needs antibiotics.”

Doctor: “Can you try this medication for a few days? We ought not to jump right to antibiotics.”

Mom: “This is another thing you have told us to do that we have tried. No, it does not help at all.”

Doctor: “You cannot just press me for antibiotics! They’re not good for long-term health.”

Mom: “Listen to me. I know that you think I am one of those parents who just demands that doctors give my kid antibiotics for every little sniffle. I am not. I am insisting on antibiotics because they are the only thing that will stop my daughter from having to go through months of misery, pain, and exhaustion from sinus infections! This is not an exaggeration; it really does take that long. And your immune booster medication does not help much because hers is too compromised for the effect to make a difference! I would love to go through the documentation proving all of this, if you require it. But I am absolutely not leaving here having wasted my daughter’s and my time to go spend my money on a medication that will not help her avoid a long term and awful illness.”

Doctor: “Oh. Um… I have to step out for a bit. Um… you really shouldn’t over-rely on antibiotics. Be careful.”

Mom: *shoots [Doctor] a death glare*

(Fortunately, this was enough to get [Doctor] to prescribe me antibiotics. Sure enough, I was ready to go back to school by the next day and was totally free of infection after three days. My mom soon requested to never see that doctor again, which was honored. Since being guaranteed to get the medication I need as soon as possible, I have not needed to take antibiotics often and also get sick much less than before.)

[florida80]

Symptoms May Include Death And Sarcasm

Clinic, Russia, Sarcasm, St. Petersburg | Healthy | November 29, 2017


(Back in college I spent a summer living in Russia. Midway through my stay I came down with strep throat. This is the first time I’ve had it since I was a kid, when I got it yearly. My program director takes me to a clinic that specializes in treating foreigners. After diagnosing me, the doctor comes back into my room with a pile of medication, none of which I recognize. Since I take other medications, I ask him if there are drug interactions I should be aware of. He proceeds to take the paper inserts out of every box he has and read them. After a few minutes he looks up and says:)

Doctor: “I don’t know; if the reaction is bad, stop taking them?”

Me: “Great. So, if I die, I’ll stop taking them.”

(Thankfully I never had a reaction but I still have no idea what it was that he gave me. Bonus? My host mother was convinced I got sick from drinking cold beverages in the hot weather

[florida80]

Got More Than A Chip On Your Shoulder

Dentist, Maryland, USA | Healthy | November 29, 2017


(I go to my routine semi-annual dental check-up, and tell my dentist that I think I have chipped a molar, as there is a rough patch on my tooth that keeps catching my tongue, causing it to blister and bleed on a regular basis.)

Dentist: “Oh, yes, there is a small chip.”

Me: “Can we get it fixed?”

Dentist: “Insurance won’t cover the procedure as it’s ‘cosmetic.’”

Me: “It’s literally causing my tongue to bleed. This chip is painful, and it’s actually causing injury to me. I think it’s more than cosmetic.”

Dentist: “Oh, you’ll be fine. Just don’t play with it.”

(This went on for months. I kept asking him to fix the chip, and he kept refusing. I also got opinions from other dentists that said the chip needed to be filled, but my dentist still refused. Ultimately I switched to a new dentist due to a change in insurance; the new dentist took one look at the chip and had me scheduled for an appointment to get it filled a few days later.)

New Dentist: “Yeah, let’s get this taken care of; you shouldn’t have to suffer with this chip causing you pain and open sores. Plus, it’s deep enough that your dentin is exposed. If we leave this open any longer, your whole tooth would be in danger of forming an abscess, which would need a root canal to fix.”

Me: *in shocked disbelief* “My tooth could have rotted away from the inside out because my old dentist couldn’t be bothered to give me a filling the size of a pin-head?!”

New Dentist: “Yep.”

[florida80]

Cancer Is A Crime

California, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 28, 2017


(I’ve been diagnosed with cancer and am on numerous medications, including morphine and oxycodone for the pain I am in. I’m pretty skinny and pale and not looking healthy after six months of chemotherapy. I go to my normal pharmacy with my paper prescription to get filled and a new pharmacy tech, or at least one I’ve never seen in the six months I’ve frequented this place, greets me. I hand him my paperwork, and he starts to type in into his computer, and then looks at me and says:)

Pharmacy Tech: “I see you’ve been getting these pills for a few months now, and you’re refilling them on the same date every month. You can’t fill this if you’re just going to sell them on the street for your drug money.”

(My jaw drops, and he hands my prescription back to me.)

Pharmacy Tech: “I’m calling the police now, sir, so don’t run off.”

(He then goes to the phone and starts dialing. The pharmacist sees me through their little window and waves at me, I see her a lot when I’m there and she’s helped consult me on the timing of taking my meds so I don’t make myself sick. I wave her over.)

Pharmacist: “Hi!”

Me: “You may want to talk to your new guy. He’s calling the cops on me.”

(She turns around and sees him on the phone.)

Pharmacist: “What are you doing?”

Pharmacy Tech: *covers the receiver* “This junkie is trying to get pills to sell. I’m calling the cops.”

(She rips the phone out of his hand and yells at him.)

Pharmacist: “He has cancer, you idiot!”

(He went pale. She sent him away and hung up the phone. I got my refills, and I never saw that guy again.)

[florida80]

Digger-ing Yourself Into A Hole

Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 28, 2017


(I am at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription that was called in.)

Tech: “Can I help you?”

Me: “I need to pick up for [Last Name].”

Tech: *types into computer* “First name?”

Me: “Digger.”

Tech: “Digger?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The tech give me a funny look and goes into the back. He returns with the medicine in hand.)

Tech: “So, you can’t drive while taking this. Also, you cannot drink alcohol while taking this. I will need you to sign saying you understand those restrictions.”

Me: *laughing* “No problem.”

Tech: “I need a date of birth.”

Me: “October 2015. I don’t know the day.”

Tech: “You don’t know your child’s birthdate?”

Me: “It’s not my child.”

Tech: “I’m not going to be able to fill this.”

Me: “I need the pharmacist. Now.”

(The pharmacist comes out and asks what the problem is.)

Tech: “She’s picking up this medicine but she doesn’t know the birthdate and then she says it isn’t her child.”

Pharmacist: *takes bag and reads label* “Look at this name.”

(The tech looks and still doesn’t seem to understand.)

Pharmacist: “The patient is named Digger K9 [Last Name]. That means it’s for her dog. Lots of people don’t know their dog’s birthday.”

Tech: “How was I supposed to know?”

Pharmacist: “I’ll finish this. Go wait in the office for me.”

(When I went to get his refill, the same tech handled the transaction. He commented that it was a really big dose for a toddler. Pretty sure whatever the pharmacist said — it didn’t help.)

[florida80]

You Suck(tion)!

Clinic, North Carolina, USA | Healthy | November 28, 2017


(I have a rare disease for which I have to have blood work done every few months. I always get it done at the local health department because I don’t have insurance and labs are too expensive elsewhere. They used to have a phlebotomist on staff who was quite good at her job, but she retired around a year before this incident. After she retired, for a while, my tests were done by whichever nurse happened to be available. On this day, one of the nurses who has drawn my blood a few times before is training a different nurse on lab procedures, so the trainee nurse is actually the one doing the draw. I’m often a problematic draw because my veins are small, and sometimes my blood doesn’t come out. This happens after several other mishaps, including the trainee nurse not noticing all of the tests I need to have done, having to remind both of them that one of my samples has to be frozen, and the trainee nurse failing to draw from my left arm and having to try my right arm instead. As the trainee nurse is drawing my blood, she’s pulling up on the needle in a way that makes it hurt like h***, but I’m kind of used to it, so I’m just responding to the talkative trainer nurse and not looking at my arm. Finally the trainee nurse finishes filling the last vial and removes the needle. Something feels a little odd, so I look down to see blood POURING from my arm. I’ve been getting labs done regularly for about 13 years at this point, and I’ve never seen anything like that, so I’m a bit alarmed.)

Me: “What the h***?!

Trainee Nurse: “…”

Trainer Nurse: “Oh! *to trainee nurse* “Looks like you broke the suction…” *to me* “Uh, she broke the suction… But that’s okay! It’s perfectly fine, just looks bad. Don’t worry!”

Me: “Uh…”

Trainee Nurse: “It happens sometimes.”

Me: “That has NEVER happened to me before. But okay, sure.”

(That’s not something that just “happens sometimes”; that’s something you DO.)

[florida80]

Extra Nerve-ous

Costa Rica, Dentist | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(I’m deadly afraid of dentists, but one day I finally get the courage to go see one for a routine check up. They tell me I need to get my wisdom teeth removed and we set up an appointment.)

Me: “Please be patient.”

Dentist: “This will not hurt at all in a few minutes, after the anaesthetic kicks off.”

(He gives me three injections. A few minutes later he pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “Aaaah!”

Dentist: “Okay, more anaesthetic.”

(He gives me another injection, waits a few more minutes, then pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!”

Dentist: “Don’t lie; it doesn’t hurt.”

Me: “Please, I swear it does.”

Dentist: “I can’t give you any more anaesthetic. Go home and come back next week. Take a valium.”

(One week and one valium later:)

Dentist: “I gave you all the anaesthetic I can. Stop crying for nothing.”

(In extreme pain, I manage to get to the opening of the area around the tooth, then he begins pulling.)

Me: “No more! Please stop!”

Dentist: “Just a bit more. Let me pull some more. It doesn’t hurt.”

Me: *refusing to open my mouth any more* “No.”

(The dentist even called my mom, and she screamed at me to stop being a wuss. Still, I refused to get anything else and he was forced to close the gap and let me go. He was kind enough to recommend another dentist with access to morphine. Thankfully the new dentist thought that my problem was probably that I had an extra nerve around that area. He gave me a normal anaesthetic where he thought it was and took out the tooth without so much as a peep from me. The lesson is: trust yourself.)

[florida80]

Insulin And Out

Hospital, UK | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(I have been admitted to hospital for fainting spells. I am also diabetic and use injections. I am currently on my period, and for whatever reason I tend to bruise more often from the injections during this time.)

Nurse: *coming in while I’m getting changed* “Okay, this shouldn’t take very long. At most you should be— What are those?”

Me: “What are what?”

Nurse: *now angry and pointing at my thighs* “THOSE!”

Me: “Bruises, from insulin injections.”

(It looks like she doesn’t believe me as she turns and leaves. I have an MRI and CT scan, and now they need to do some blood tests. I am given some forms, which have already been filled out, but I’m asked to check to see if there is anything that has been missed. After the blood has been taken, a new medical officer comes in with my forms.)

Medical Officer: “Are you all right, dear? We just need to make sure everything is right before we do the tests.”

Me: “I already checked them and they’re fine.”

Medical Officer: “Yes, but we need more than just the medication you have been prescribed. We also need other drugs you may have taken recently.”

Me: “Again, already on the form.”

Medical Officer: “Any not-necessarily-legal drugs.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Medical Officer: “I may as well be open. Now, there’s no need to be ashamed, but we really need to know what drugs you are addicted to, and for how long. They could be what is causing your condition.”

Me: “I’m not on anything like that. What is this– Oh. Have any of the nurses spoken to you about my legs?”

Medical Officer: “There was an observation made that you use your legs for the injection site, yes.”

Me: “And did they also tell you that I’m diabetic as well, and that’s where I administer my insulin?” *shows her my legs*

Medical Officer: *doubtful* “That’s a lot of bruising for mere insulin injections.”

Me: “If I had been admitted a week ago, they wouldn’t be there. I’m on my period, and my injections always cause bruising while I’m on my period.”

(She still looks doubtful, but leaves me in peace. I’m really shook up by it and despite these two being the only people who think I’m a drug addict, I opt to leave and be seen elsewhere. I never find out the cause of my fainting, but it disappears within a month. Six months later, I’m back at said hospital for retinal screening. Lo and behold, the woman who sees me is the second one mentioned above. She recognises me.)

Medical Officer: “Oh, small world. How have you—”

Me: *lifting my skirt* “Do you see any bruises now? Do I look like a junkie now?”

Medical Officer: *blushing* “Oh, umm. No. I’m sorry about jumping to—”

Me: “Just save it. If you’ve been given this responsibility, after how you treated me, you can stuff it!”

(I then left and arranged to have all future screening done at a hospital nearly an hour away. It really makes you wonder why these two women, out of all the people who saw me that day, believed I was a drug addict because of bruising on one of the most common areas diabetics inject.)

[florida80]

Calibrations Always Go Up And Down

Hospital, USA, Utah | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(It’s the night shift in the hospital lab. I’m the scientist doing the nightly calibrating of our analyzers’ drug screen when the ER requests a drug screen, which I can’t run until I finish my calibrations; once I start, I can’t stop. We tell them it will be done as soon as possible, and we’ll rush the sample, which they’re okay with. Meanwhile, some plumbers are working on one of our sinks. The lead scientist comes to my bench to check on my progress and get a better ETA to tell the doctors.)

Lead Scientist: “How’s it coming over here?”

Me: “I’m almost ready. I just need to do cocaine and marijuana.”

Lead Scientist: *without missing a beat* “[My Name], you know better than to mix uppers and downers.”

(The plumbers all went silent and turned to look at us. I hope they didn’t think we were actually doing drugs.)

[florida80]

Something Doesn’t Clicky

Hospital, UK | Healthy | November 26, 2017


(I am fifteen and fortunate enough to be able to attend the birth of my baby sister with my dad. This takes place only an hour after she is born.)

Doctor: “Now, Mrs. [Mum], is it all right if a student doctor does the examination on your baby?”

Mum: “Yes, of course; they have to practice!”

Doctor: “[Student]! You can come in now!

Student: *examines my baby sister and then looks worried* “I’m going to refer [Sister] here. She is exhibiting signs of clicky hips.”

Mum: “Should we be worried? [My Name] didn’t have any of that. Is it going to affect her as she gets older?!”

Student: “It’s likely she’ll just have a little fabric harness. It’s easily corrected.”

(Two weeks later we are sitting in a clinic room in the hospital waiting for the doctor. My mum sits next to a lady with a toddler and a baby not much older than my sister.)

Lady: “Hello, why are you here?”

Mum: “We’ve been referred. Apparently, [Sister] has clicky hips.”

Lady: *looks surprised* “Same here! Did you have [Student] examine her?”

Mum: “Yes, that was him!”

Lady: “I’ve talked to three other ladies who’ve been referred, and each of their babies have absolutely nothing wrong. I’m betting it’s the same for our two!”

(It turned out the student had referred about twenty mothers over the two days he’d been in the department, and none of their babies had clicky hips!)

[florida80]

Has To Be Some Kind Of Record

Hospital, USA, Wisconsin | Healthy | November 25, 2017


Customer: “I need my birth record in order to request a new Social Security card, because I don’t have a copy of my birth certificate.”

(This is a fairly common request, so I nod as I look over his Release of Information to make sure all the fields have been completed. Before I get to the end, he adds:)

Customer: “I wasn’t actually born at this hospital. Does that matter?”

(Yes, it matters. He left empty-handed.)

[florida80]

County The Ways

California, Clinic, USA | Healthy | November 24, 2017


(I work for a non-profit medical clinic. Because the county we operate in provides a pretty broad range of services, we have a lot of patients who labor under the belief that we are associated with the county. We are not and never have been. I overhear my colleague who is working the front desk engaging with a patient.)

Patient: “So you’re part of the county, right?”

Colleague: “No, we are in no way associated with the county.”

Patient: “Oh, so you contract with them?”

Colleague: “No. We are not contracted by, subcontract with, or in any way work for or answer to the county.”

Patient: “So, you’re subcontracted with the county.”

Colleague: “No, we are not. We are in no way, shape, or form any part of the county services.”

Patient: *sounding confused* “Oh.”

(A moment later.)

Patient: “So can you send [paperwork] through this fax machine?” *gestures at printer*

Colleague: “That isn’t a fax machine.”

Patient: “Can you fax it from here?”

Colleague: “No, we do not have a fax machine here.”

Patient: *confused* “Oh.”

(After the patient has been called in to see the provider.)

Me: *to Colleague, teasing* “So hey, [Colleague], aren’t we part of the county?”

Colleague: *throws hands in the air* “Apparently!”

Me: “Someone should tell [Boss]. He won’t have to worry about that [specific] grant anymore!”

[florida80]

Millennial Problems Don’t Have Legs To Stand On

Grocery Store, Ohio, USA | Healthy | November 24, 2017


(I’m 20, and I use a wheelchair because my leg muscles can’t support me. I’m at the grocery store with my boyfriend and talking to someone at the bakery who we know personally when a woman walks up to us.)

Woman: “Oh, another lazy teen. Why can’t you just walk normally?”

Me: “Uhm, because I have a medical condition?”

Woman: “Don’t you lie! You just don’t wanna walk like everyone else!”

Boyfriend: “She can’t even stand up without assistance. She’s not lazy.”

Woman: “Oh, so you’re in on this, too?!” *looks at bakery clerk* “Do you see what this generation is doing?!”

Clerk: “Yeah, people who regularly see a doctor about their medical problems. She’s been in a wheelchair since I met her.”

Woman: “UGH! LAZY ENTITLED BRATS!” *storms off*

(We laugh after she leaves. The bakery clerk gives us a couple baked goods for half off for the trouble.)

[florida80]

An Acute Case Of A**-holery

Hospital, Israel | Healthy | November 24, 2017


(I work at a hospital. It’s my lunch break, so I go to sit with a friend, who works as a secretary for the hematology clinic. We’re just talking about stuff; there aren’t many clients when this one guy comes in.)

Client: “My name is [Client].”

Friend: “Just a second…” *goes through the appointment list*

(Should be noted that he should’ve brought a referral with him, which he didn’t. Nevertheless, we find the appointment on the list.)

Client: “My case.”

Friend: “Okay, I know. I’ll give it to the doctor—”

Client: “My case, now.”

Friend: “Okay, I get it, I’ll bring it to him now.”

(This guy then followed my friend around to the doctor’s room. When he left an hour later, he didn’t even acknowledge us. He just talked loudly on his phone until my friend gave him his next appointment date and then he just left. That’s an a**-hole, if you ask me…)

[florida80]

Doctor, You Pain Me

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2017


(I’m talking to my doctor about a procedure that will prevent future pain. He is familiar with my medical history.)

Doctor: “The surgery will really hurt.”

Me: “But it will be temporary right?”

Doctor: “Yes. But it will REALLY hurt.”

Me: “I’m fine with that if it stops the current pain.”

Doctor: “I don’t think you understand. This will be horrible pain. You’ll have to lie in bed for at least a week.”

Me: “Doctor. I’ve been run through. Do you think it’ll be worse than that?”

Doctor: “No.”

Me: “Then I want to do it.”

Doctor: “But it will hurt!”

(He didn’t let me do it.)

[florida80]

It’s Halal, Not Ha-LOL

Hospital, North Carolina, Religion, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2017


(I am a white teenage girl, just admitted to a ward and I am asleep. The nurse saw me come in with a t-shirt and jeans even though now I’m in a normal hospital gown.)

Dad: “Can my daughter get special meals?”

Nurse: “What kind? Is it an allergy?”

Dad: “She’s Muslim and needs halal food.”

Nurse: *odd look* “Muslim?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Nurse: “That’s ridiculous. She didn’t wear a hijab.”

Dad: “She rarely does, but she is Muslim.”

Nurse: “Then she isn’t really Muslim. She just plays dress up and has a fad diet like all teenagers.” *starts leaving*

Dad: “Oi! She is Muslim and needs halal food. She’s strict about that.”

Nurse: “Yeah, right.”

(My dad gave up and found another nurse who understood and made sure I got halal meals. It could have been much worse

[florida80]

Graduated Up To A Personalized Service

Pennsylvania, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2017


(I am picking up my medicine and in order to do so, you must give your name and birth date, including year.)

Clerk: “Name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Clerk: “Birthday?”

Me: “[Date].”

Clerk: “That’s the same day I graduated. To the day.”

Me: “And year. Next time you ask, I’m just going to say, ‘the exact day you graduated.’”

[florida80]

Sickening Lack Of Attentiveness

Hospital, Switzerland, Winterthur | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I’m staying at the hospital because of an exploded appendix. Unfortunately, the surgery goes wrong and I end up with several complications. One of them includes not being able to hold any liquid, not even the liquid my stomach produces. So despite not eating or drinking anything, I spend several days (around a week) vomiting up green goo until I finally manage to get that under control. A few days later, I’m chatting with a nurse when I suddenly feel the need to barf again! Thankfully, there’s a vomit-bag sitting right next to the nurse.)

Me: *with some urgency* “Can you please give me the vomit bag?”

Nurse: *shocked* “What? I thought you were done with that?”

(At this point I’m afraid that if I talk any more I will just start projectile vomiting so I just stare at her, hoping she’ll get the hint. But the nurse just stares back at me for what seems like an eternity, expecting me to answer the question.)

Me: “Quickly!”

(The nurse finally scrambled to get the bag, but by the time she got it, I’d already started vomiting all over the floor. I sure hope she’ll be more attentive in the future!)

[florida80]

The Sad Estate Of This Family

Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I work at a long-term care pharmacy. We service patients in nursing homes, assisted living, etc. and bill prescription costs monthly. Of course, this means we have trouble with people not paying their bill. Part of my job is to make collections calls. I hear all kinds of excuses, but this was a first.)

Man: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling from [Pharmacy]. Is [Person #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] available?”

Man: “Nope, he’s in jail over in [County].”

Me: *not sure how to respond* “I’m sorry to hear that… I also have [Person #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] listed as an authorized contact. May I speak with her?”

Man: “Nope, can’t talk to her either. She’s dead.”

Me: *now REALLY not sure how to respond* “I’m sorry to hear that, too. I’m calling in reference to [Patient]’s account. Who could I speak with that handles [Patient]’s finances?”

Man: “Not him. He’s dead now, too. His wife’s still living but she’s got ‘all-timers’ disease so she won’t be much help.”

Me: *basically at a loss for words at this point* “There must be someone handling [Patient]’s estate. Who would that be?”

Man: “Couldn’t tell you. The only one I know of that’s not dead, locked up, or crazy is [Person #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ]. She’s probably the best you’re going to get.”

(Turned out [Person #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ] was extremely nice and helpful, and promptly sent a check for the full balance. She must have been the shining star in a family of “dead, locked up, and crazy!”)

[florida80]

Making Sure You All (Co)Pay Dearly

Extra Stupid, Money, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I work at a long-term care pharmacy. We bill prescriptions monthly, and always get angry phone calls a few days after statements go out.)

Me: “[Pharmacy], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Angry Man: “What kind of scam are you all running out there?”

Me: “Sir?”

Angry Man: “Do you think you’re going to get away with charging these outrageous prices? I should report you for robbery!”

Me: “If you have questions about any charges, I’d be happy to explain them to you.”

Angry Man: “As a matter of fact you can! I’d like to know why you’re charging me $50 for a month’s worth of [medication]!”

(I pull up the claim and go through my normal spiel of how we submit a claim to the insurance company, they respond with how much they’ll pay and how much of a copay we need to collect from the patient, and how we have no influence over the cost of the copay, as this is determined by the plan, etc.)

Angry Man: “Well then, how come I can go to [Other Pharmacy] and get three months’ worth for $150?”

Me: “Sir, that’s the same price.”

Angry Man: “You’re trying to tell me that $50 and $150 are the same thing? How stupid can you be to have your job?”

Me: *remembering to be professional and not sarcastic* “No, sir. I’m telling you that $50 for a 30 day supply and $150 for a 90 day supply is exactly the same price.”

Angry Man: “I can’t pay $50 every month for one prescription! I’ll go broke! I’m going to be using [Other Pharmacy] from now on so I can get more for a decent price! And I’m going up to [Nursing Home] and telling everyone there that you’re robbing them!”

Me: *slowly losing professionalism* “You have the right to use whatever pharmacy you like. If you feel the need to tell them that, I can’t stop you. But if they can do basic math, they’ll realize that copays are no different with us than they are anywhere else.”

Angry Man: “I know the tactics you people use to try to confuse me. You talk over my head hoping I’ll give up and pay your ridiculous price! You’re not going to fool me. I’m no dumb-a**!”

(At this point I was contemplating whether it would be worth the complaint I’d get if I said “Well, sir, you certainly could’ve fooled me,” but he slammed the phone down, making my decision for me. People are unbelievably dumb!)

[florida80]

Making Sure You All (Co)Pay Dearly

Extra Stupid, Money, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I work at a long-term care pharmacy. We bill prescriptions monthly, and always get angry phone calls a few days after statements go out.)

Me: “[Pharmacy], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Angry Man: “What kind of scam are you all running out there?”

Me: “Sir?”

Angry Man: “Do you think you’re going to get away with charging these outrageous prices? I should report you for robbery!”

Me: “If you have questions about any charges, I’d be happy to explain them to you.”

Angry Man: “As a matter of fact you can! I’d like to know why you’re charging me $50 for a month’s worth of [medication]!”

(I pull up the claim and go through my normal spiel of how we submit a claim to the insurance company, they respond with how much they’ll pay and how much of a copay we need to collect from the patient, and how we have no influence over the cost of the copay, as this is determined by the plan, etc.)

Angry Man: “Well then, how come I can go to [Other Pharmacy] and get three months’ worth for $150?”

Me: “Sir, that’s the same price.”

Angry Man: “You’re trying to tell me that $50 and $150 are the same thing? How stupid can you be to have your job?”

Me: *remembering to be professional and not sarcastic* “No, sir. I’m telling you that $50 for a 30 day supply and $150 for a 90 day supply is exactly the same price.”

Angry Man: “I can’t pay $50 every month for one prescription! I’ll go broke! I’m going to be using [Other Pharmacy] from now on so I can get more for a decent price! And I’m going up to [Nursing Home] and telling everyone there that you’re robbing them!”

Me: *slowly losing professionalism* “You have the right to use whatever pharmacy you like. If you feel the need to tell them that, I can’t stop you. But if they can do basic math, they’ll realize that copays are no different with us than they are anywhere else.”

Angry Man: “I know the tactics you people use to try to confuse me. You talk over my head hoping I’ll give up and pay your ridiculous price! You’re not going to fool me. I’m no dumb-a**!”

(At this point I was contemplating whether it would be worth the complaint I’d get if I said “Well, sir, you certainly could’ve fooled me,” but he slammed the phone down, making my decision for me. People are unbelievably dumb!)

[florida80]

Will Be Getting Ribbed About That Forever

Physical Therapist, The Netherlands | Healthy | December 5, 2017


(My uncle has some work-related back pains for which his GP refers him to a physical therapist. The therapy he needs is pretty painful, so when he comes home from a session one day saying the therapist has gotten him good, his wife — my aunt — thinks nothing of it and goes out running errands. When she gets home after a few hours and calls to my uncle to help her with the groceries, she notices he’s moving very carefully, wincing, and not breathing well. When she asks what’s wrong, my uncle tells her his ribs on one side have been hurting bad since therapy, and it isn’t getting better despite taking some painkillers. My aunt gently prods his ribs, eliciting a yelp. Knowing my uncle is pretty tough, my aunt gets worried and pulls up his shirt, uncovering a HUGE blossoming bruise on one side of his back. My aunt freaks out and orders my uncle to get in the car NOW because they’re going to the hospital. On the way there, she gives my uncle the third degree: What did he do? Did he fall? Did he get into a fight? What is he hiding from her? My uncle swears nothing happened; he went to therapy and came back, his ribs have been hurting since, and that’s that. The doctor at the hospital takes one look at the bruise and orders an x-ray, which reveals several BROKEN ribs. The doctor also interrogates my uncle, but gets the same response: all he did was go to physical therapy for his back pains.)

ER Doctor: “Did the therapist work on your ribs as well?”

Uncle: “Well, yes. Wait, are you saying…?”

ER Doctor: “That you should get a different therapist? Yes.”

(My uncle made a full recovery and got a different therapist who cured his back pains. The therapist who broke his ribs is still in practice and also coaches a youth sports team. I was on that team for several years and now hate sports. The guy received a Royal Ribbon for his investment in youth sports.)

[florida80]

That’s One Ticked Off Dog

Illinois, Non-Dialogue, USA, Vet | Healthy | December 5, 2017


I was working the other day when a client called in frantically about her dog having a tick on it’s leg. I asked the doctor if we had time to fit her in and he agreed to see the dog.

The client arrives on time and we get her and her dog into an examination room. I happen to overhear her telling the vet that she had tried burning the tick off, tweezing it, and pulling it off.

The doctor looked at it for a few moments, looked up, and said, “Ma’am, this is a mole.”

[florida80]

Not Insured Against Bad Attitudes

Medical Office, Norfolk, USA, Virginia | Healthy | December 4, 2017


(I am currently working front desk at a private practice doctor’s office. I answer phones, schedule patients, do referrals, etc. This exchange occurs over the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Doctor]’s office. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Patient: *with a snarky attitude* ”My name is [Patient] and I need to know if my medication has been approved by my insurance.”

(Sometimes certain medications need a prior authorization in order for the pharmacy to dispense the med. I tell the woman no problem and get her info so I can pull up her chart.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, it looks like it’s still being processed right now.”

Patient: *with even nastier attitude* “This is ridiculous. I need my medication.”

(I then look to see what medication she is talking about and it turns out it’s Zantac. This is an over-the-counter medicine that you can buy at any grocery or drug store.)

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am, but PAs can take anywhere from one to six weeks. Sometimes medications that can be purchased over-the-counter take longer.”

Patient: *yelling* “I KNOW IT’S OVER THE COUNTER BUT I WILL NOT SPEND MONEY WHEN I CAN GET MY INSURANCE TO PAY FOR IT! I NEED MY MEDICATION NOW AND YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.”

(I then forwarded the call to the doctor’s nurse who informed her that she would get to it as soon as possible, but since the patient’s medication was available over-the-counter, she has to work on the others that aren’t. She also gave her a list of stores and other medications that will help her problem if she needs it immediately. Seriously, just go to the store and get some.)

[florida80]

When Your Biggest Headache Is The Doctor

Hospital, Ohio, USA | Healthy | December 4, 2017


(I have chronic, crippling migraines. Sometimes I have to go the ER for a shot. On one such visit, the doctor came in, saw me in my floppy hat and sunglasses, and says:)

Doctor: “Don’t you think that’s a little ridiculous?”

(The migraine has my brain muddled. All I can say is:)

Me: “What?”

(He went into a rather long rant about the dark room, my hat, and my sunglasses. Then he left the room.)

Me: *to my husband* “What just happened?”

Husband: “I don’t know. He’s doing something at the desk now.”

(The doctor returned after about twenty minutes.)

Doctor: “I just checked your record. You’ve been here seventeen times in the last month.”

Me: “No. I haven’t been here for two months at least.”

Doctor: “Don’t lie. I saw the record. It’s obvious you just want the drugs.”

(He continued berating me for being a drug-seeker until I was crying hard. Then, he told me to get out. I had a physical therapy appointment two days later. After what the ER doctor had said to me, I was nervous about interacting with people, but finally got the courage to ask:)

Me: “When someone checks my record on the computer can they see what a visit was for?”

Therapist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I was in the ER a couple of days ago. The doctor looked at my record and accused of making seventeen visits to the ER seeking drugs. The only thing at [Medical Complex] that I’ve used recently was my physical therapy. Doesn’t my record say what the visits were for?”

Therapist: *in shock* “Yes! It will definitely say if it was physical therapy, your doctor, or the ER.”

(Then, she showed me my record on the computer with physical therapy listed eighteen times, including that day’s visit. I didn’t tell her how bad the ER doc made me feel or how sick I was before the migraine went away on its own, but she decided to report him anyway. It must have been the final straw because when I had to go to the ER about four months later I discovered that doctor had been fired.)

[florida80]

Getting Hysterical-ectomy

Maryland, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | December 4, 2017


(I am a lesbian, and I occasionally experience extremely severe symptoms when on my period, for up to 5 days, such as a complete inability to eat without vomiting, severe pain, and on a couple occasions, seizures. After talking it over with my wife, I decide to go in to speak to my gynecologist and ask her about how to go about getting a hysterectomy. The trouble starts right from when I attempt to book an appointment. After getting through hold and basic introductions.)

Me: “I would like to schedule a consultation with [Doctor] about having a hysterectomy.”

Receptionist: “Okay! Just so you know, if you have a hysterectomy, you won’t be able to have children afterwards!”

Me: “I know. That’s fine.”

(The receptionist then schedules the consultation without any more fuss. On the day of the appointment, I arrive with my wife so that we can both talk to the gynecologist.)

Doctor: “I don’t think that this is a bad idea given your symptoms, but you need to understand that if you go through with this you will never, ever be able to have babies. There is no way to undo it if you decide you want kids.”

Me: “I know. That’s fine.”

Doctor: “We could schedule it a year or two out so you could have one last baby before your surgery.”

Me: “I have never had children.”

Doctor: “So you want to wait—”

Me: “Shut up and listen to me. I am gay. The only penises that ever go inside me are made of plastic. I will not be having children either way. I don’t care. We can adopt. [Wife] could have artificial insemination. It doesn’t matter.”

Doctor: “If you say so…”

(My gynecologist continued to flare at me and mention children several times, and even tried to show me pictures of her own kids, while she was recommending surgeons to me and helping me schedule with one of them. With the surgeon, he also listed all the possible side effects, but a simple “I understand” was all it took to convince him, luckily.)

[florida80]

Discharging Hard Truths

Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, USA | Healthy | December 3, 2017


I was in an ER cubicle patiently waiting for a doctor to be free to treat my migraine, which is considered low-priority in triage. It was a very busy night, but amazingly quiet so my headache wasn’t exacerbated by sounds. And then, HE arrived in an ambulance.

We were able to hear that he had gotten drunk, climbed onto the bar’s roof, and fallen through a skylight.

Though he was at least 40 yards from me, his continual yells were overwhelming, causing me pain, confusion, and dizziness. Because of that, I couldn’t understand most of what he yelled, but did manage to hear him demanding more alcoholic drinks and trying to get out of bed, and that they had to restrain him.

By the time a doctor went to examine him, I was crying from pain and at the end of my ability to cope. The doctor began talking to the drunk: “And what’s going on with you tonight?”

I snapped and yelled, “HE’S DRUNK AND STUPID!”

The entire ward went silent and then we heard giggles. The doctor bustled into my cubicle, followed in minutes by a nurse with a syringe.

Within fifteen minutes of my outburst, I had been medicated and discharged.

[florida80]

Let’s Not Split Hairs About Who It Is For

Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, USA | Healthy | December 2, 2017


Because of family history, I need a specific medical test every five years. My husband always accompanies me to the pre-test appointments. The doctor is mostly bald and does not like jokes about it.

Please note that my husband has been balding for quite a few years. A few years before this appointment, I had made my husband a baseball hat, which said, “Wish you were hair.” I hadn’t realized he was wearing it.

The doctor took one look at the hat, got a sour face, and said, “Is that meant for me?”

At first we were too startled to say anything. Then my husband removed his hat to show his own balding head. He and I burst out laughing. After his own startled pause, the doctor joined in.

[florida80]

Thyroid Void

Medical Office, USA | Healthy | December 1, 2017


(I have hypothyroidism, which has been successfully controlled with medication for several years. Over a couple months, however, I notice that some of my symptoms are returning. I call my doctor, and she says she will do a blood test. I go to her office for the results.)

Doctor: “Okay, so your thyroid level is at 4.9.”

(The maximum is five.)

Me: “Well, no wonder I’ve been feeling sick! That’s very high.”

Doctor: “Oh, no. You’re fine. Five is the top of the normal range. You’re still under that.”

Me: “But a lot of my old symptoms are coming back. I can’t sleep at night, I’m tired during the day, I’m freezing cold all the time—”

Doctor: “You’re under stress. It’s normal.”

Me: “I HAVE GAINED 20 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS!”

Doctor: “Well, you just need to go on a diet.”

Me: “I exercise five days a week, and I eat my fruits and veggies! I don’t feel like myself. I know my body, and I need a medication change!”

Doctor: “Well, I’m not giving you one, because you’re normal.”

(She tells me to exercise more and gives me a vitamin supplement. I fume, but take it. A couple months later, I move to a different state. I go in for an appointment with my new doctor.)

New Doctor: “I’ve been reviewing your test results from your previous doctor, and I noticed your thyroid is at 4.9. That’s very high. Are you feeling okay at that number?”

Me: “Not at all! I tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen. She kept saying it was normal.”

New Doctor: “I’m not surprised. Older guidelines allow it to get that high, but I’ve found that my patients feel better when their thyroid is at three or under. I’m going to order some more blood work.”

(The new blood test shows that my number skyrocketed to a six. My new doctor changes my medication immediately. It takes a year and three medicine changes to get it right. It turned out that my thyroid number had been creeping up for a couple years, and my old doctor had just ignored it. I’m happy to report that I’m much better now!)

[florida80]

It Takes More Than Money To Clear A Bill

Columbia, Medical Office, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | December 1, 2017


(I get about a $3,000 bill from a doctor I had seen several months prior. I am confused because I know my insurance had paid it. I call the billing dept. but get no answer and leave a message. I forget about it until the next month when the bill comes again. Once again, I call, leave a message, and forget about it. Then I get a letter threatening to send me to a collection agency. I call my insurance company to double check. They tell me that not only have they paid it, but had a duplicate charge under a different account number that was of course denied. I start calling every other day. The office phones aren’t open until 10 am and they shut them down at 3:30 pm. I either get a recording and leave a message or the receptionist tells me everyone is in a meeting. This goes on for over three weeks. Then I get another threatening letter. I even go to the office in person but am told everyone is in a meeting and no one can talk to me. At this point I have had it. I wait until 10 pm at night. I call and get the voicemail system. When it says press “1” for nurse, I do so and leave a detailed, angry message that NO ONE will return my calls, I am being threatened with being sent to a collection agency for a bill that was paid, and someone better call me back or I am filing fraud charges with the insurance company and talking to a lawyer. I hang up and call back and do it again after pressing a number for a different department. I go through the entire employee directory. I do this for almost two hours and leave dozens of messages on EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE’S voicemail. I then call the doctor’s emergency after-hours line and leave the same message there. The next morning, at 10:01, I call the office. The receptionist recognizes my voice.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, I have the office manager here for you” *transfers me*

Manager: “Good morning, Mrs. [My Name]. I was just about to call you.”

Me: “Yeah, I bet you were.”

Manager: *sheepishly* “Yeah, everyone is talking about the messages you left, especially the doctor.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like you left me much choice.”

(She apologizes and explains. The guy who was handling the bills was creating fake patient accounts and double billing the insurance companies. Most didn’t catch it, paid the doctor, and then the guy stole the money. They fired him but have such a paperwork mess to clean up and had to gather the evidence to convict him that they didn’t have time to call the patients.)

Me: “I understand, but that is no excuse. You are sending me letters threatening to send me to a collection agency.”

Manager: “What?! Crap, the computers are printing those out automatically. We didn’t know any had been mailed out.”

Me: “Yeah, well they are and you better start answering these calls because you have some very peeved off patients who, like me, are calling lawyers.”

(She apologized again and told me that my account had been cleared up. I wonder, though, about all the others who just kept calling and getting nowhere.)

[florida80]

A Relaxed Attitude To Drugs

England, Hospital, UK | Healthy | December 1, 2017


(I am a medical student. This is my first ever interaction in a hospital setting. The patient has been admitted for a serious lung issue, and is due to return home. It proceeds well, until it is time to round off the conversation:)

Me: “So, I’ve been told you’re being discharged today; is that correct?”

Patient: “Yes, that’s right. I’m going to go and see my friend when I get out. She’s really stressed.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have anything nice planned?”

Patient: “We’re going to bake some weed brownies. That should help us relax!” *laughs*

Me: “Well, at least you’re not smoking it!” *nervous laughter*

(Interesting start to medicine. I’m glad she took my comment well. I just wasn’t expecting it!)

[florida80]

Going Toe-To-Toe With The GP

Medical Office, Oklahoma, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | November 30, 2017


(I have a horrible ingrown toenail. My GP determines that surgery is necessary. He is right, as after half of it is cut away, I still have a normal toenail remaining. The surgery is done under general anesthesia, a move I thought was overkill, but it is a success. Some years later I am seeing a podiatrist about the same problem with the other foot and the doctor concludes the same treatment. I tell him about the first surgery.)

Doctor: “They gave you general anesthesia? That’s ridiculous. Was it a GP?”

Me: “I thought it was extreme. Yes, he was my GP.”

Doctor: “Figures. GP’s don’t know how to anesthetize a toe. Okay, let’s get this taken care of today.”

(He sets me up for surgery, sticks a needle in the base of my toe and injects me. After a bit he uses something pointy to test my toe.)

Doctor: “There, you shouldn’t be feeling anything.”

Me: “I can feel that quite easily. Try again.” *I look away so he knows I’m no cheating by watching* “Yeah, I can still feel it.”

Doctor: “Hmm. Let’s get you some more anesthesia.”

(After a bit, it’s still not numb. I’m suddenly feeling a great lack of confidence after hearing his short diatribe about GPs.)

Doctor: “Well, on a few rare individuals, the main nerve for that part of the toe runs up the wrong side of the toe. Let me see if that’s it.”

(Lucky for him (and me) that turned out to be exactly the case. I still get a wry grin thinking about him complaining that another doctor couldn’t just numb my toe.)

[florida80]

Expecting A Faint Chance

Hospital, Israel, Tel Aviv | Healthy | November 30, 2017


(I recently fractured my wrist and hand in a bad fall. I am seeing my doctor and a follow-up appointment. Due to being unable to drive myself, my boyfriend drives me and stays while they draw blood. It’s important to note I’m only 1.60 m and he is a large man, over 2 m tall.)

Doctor: “Well, the results look good, no infections, and the x-rays show your hand and wrist are healing well. Oh, and congratulations.”

Me: “For being clumsy? Or having good bones?”

Doctor: “No… congratulations.”

Boyfriend: “For what?”

Doctor: “You’re expecting, or did you not know?”

Me: “Expecting what?”

Doctor: “A baby. You’re pregnant. We ran the results twice. You’re going to have a baby.”

(While I tried to process being pregnant, my boyfriend stood up, then promptly fainted, landing face first on the floor and leaving a nasty bruise on his forehead. Now we have a great story to tell our future child about how their big, strong father fainted when he heard the news!)

[florida80]

Truly Acting The Part

College & University, England, Essex, UK | Healthy | November 30, 2017


(I am a paramedic student. As part of my training, we run simulated scenarios with one, two, or four students and actor(s) to be the patient (and bystanders). We have a scenario where I and another student have to respond to a man who has attempted suicide and slit both his wrists. While we’re treating him I drop a bandage and a few members of my class giggle. The actor, being the little legend he is, responds by saying:)

Actor: “All those people are laughing at me.”

(I had to struggle not to laugh while my partner, a seasoned EMT who is getting her UK cert, reassured him that he was just seeing things.)

[florida80]

Anti-Antibiotics

Massachusetts, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | November 29, 2017


(I have a mild immune deficiency. This makes me highly susceptible to severe sinus infections. This also means that only antibiotics administered within the first week of symptoms will quickly cure my sinus infections. Anything else does nothing and it will take several months for my immune system to fight off the infection. This is well-documented.)

Doctor: “It seems your daughter’s infections are chronic. I’m going to prescribe your daughter [Medication that relies on and boosts the immune cells already present] and ask that you check back to tell me if it helped.”

Mom: “No. You have prescribed my daughter this medication and those like it before and it does nothing. She needs antibiotics.”

Doctor: “Can you try this medication for a few days? We ought not to jump right to antibiotics.”

Mom: “This is another thing you have told us to do that we have tried. No, it does not help at all.”

Doctor: “You cannot just press me for antibiotics! They’re not good for long-term health.”

Mom: “Listen to me. I know that you think I am one of those parents who just demands that doctors give my kid antibiotics for every little sniffle. I am not. I am insisting on antibiotics because they are the only thing that will stop my daughter from having to go through months of misery, pain, and exhaustion from sinus infections! This is not an exaggeration; it really does take that long. And your immune booster medication does not help much because hers is too compromised for the effect to make a difference! I would love to go through the documentation proving all of this, if you require it. But I am absolutely not leaving here having wasted my daughter’s and my time to go spend my money on a medication that will not help her avoid a long term and awful illness.”

Doctor: “Oh. Um… I have to step out for a bit. Um… you really shouldn’t over-rely on antibiotics. Be careful.”

Mom: *shoots [Doctor] a death glare*

(Fortunately, this was enough to get [Doctor] to prescribe me antibiotics. Sure enough, I was ready to go back to school by the next day and was totally free of infection after three days. My mom soon requested to never see that doctor again, which was honored. Since being guaranteed to get the medication I need as soon as possible, I have not needed to take antibiotics often and also get sick much less than before.)

[florida80]

Symptoms May Include Death And Sarcasm

Clinic, Russia, Sarcasm, St. Petersburg | Healthy | November 29, 2017


(Back in college I spent a summer living in Russia. Midway through my stay I came down with strep throat. This is the first time I’ve had it since I was a kid, when I got it yearly. My program director takes me to a clinic that specializes in treating foreigners. After diagnosing me, the doctor comes back into my room with a pile of medication, none of which I recognize. Since I take other medications, I ask him if there are drug interactions I should be aware of. He proceeds to take the paper inserts out of every box he has and read them. After a few minutes he looks up and says:)

Doctor: “I don’t know; if the reaction is bad, stop taking them?”

Me: “Great. So, if I die, I’ll stop taking them.”

(Thankfully I never had a reaction but I still have no idea what it was that he gave me. Bonus? My host mother was convinced I got sick from drinking cold beverages in the hot weather.)

[florida80]

Got More Than A Chip On Your Shoulder

Dentist, Maryland, USA | Healthy | November 29, 2017


(I go to my routine semi-annual dental check-up, and tell my dentist that I think I have chipped a molar, as there is a rough patch on my tooth that keeps catching my tongue, causing it to blister and bleed on a regular basis.)

Dentist: “Oh, yes, there is a small chip.”

Me: “Can we get it fixed?”

Dentist: “Insurance won’t cover the procedure as it’s ‘cosmetic.’”

Me: “It’s literally causing my tongue to bleed. This chip is painful, and it’s actually causing injury to me. I think it’s more than cosmetic.”

Dentist: “Oh, you’ll be fine. Just don’t play with it.”

(This went on for months. I kept asking him to fix the chip, and he kept refusing. I also got opinions from other dentists that said the chip needed to be filled, but my dentist still refused. Ultimately I switched to a new dentist due to a change in insurance; the new dentist took one look at the chip and had me scheduled for an appointment to get it filled a few days later.)

New Dentist: “Yeah, let’s get this taken care of; you shouldn’t have to suffer with this chip causing you pain and open sores. Plus, it’s deep enough that your dentin is exposed. If we leave this open any longer, your whole tooth would be in danger of forming an abscess, which would need a root canal to fix.”

Me: *in shocked disbelief* “My tooth could have rotted away from the inside out because my old dentist couldn’t be bothered to give me a filling the size of a pin-head?!”

New Dentist: “Yep.”

[florida80]

Cancer Is A Crime

California, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 28, 2017


(I’ve been diagnosed with cancer and am on numerous medications, including morphine and oxycodone for the pain I am in. I’m pretty skinny and pale and not looking healthy after six months of chemotherapy. I go to my normal pharmacy with my paper prescription to get filled and a new pharmacy tech, or at least one I’ve never seen in the six months I’ve frequented this place, greets me. I hand him my paperwork, and he starts to type in into his computer, and then looks at me and says:)

Pharmacy Tech: “I see you’ve been getting these pills for a few months now, and you’re refilling them on the same date every month. You can’t fill this if you’re just going to sell them on the street for your drug money.”

(My jaw drops, and he hands my prescription back to me.)

Pharmacy Tech: “I’m calling the police now, sir, so don’t run off.”

(He then goes to the phone and starts dialing. The pharmacist sees me through their little window and waves at me, I see her a lot when I’m there and she’s helped consult me on the timing of taking my meds so I don’t make myself sick. I wave her over.)

Pharmacist: “Hi!”

Me: “You may want to talk to your new guy. He’s calling the cops on me.”

(She turns around and sees him on the phone.)

Pharmacist: “What are you doing?”

Pharmacy Tech: *covers the receiver* “This junkie is trying to get pills to sell. I’m calling the cops.”

(She rips the phone out of his hand and yells at him.)

Pharmacist: “He has cancer, you idiot!”

(He went pale. She sent him away and hung up the phone. I got my refills, and I never saw that guy again.)

[florida80]

Digger-ing Yourself Into A Hole

Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 28, 2017


(I am at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription that was called in.)

Tech: “Can I help you?”

Me: “I need to pick up for [Last Name].”

Tech: *types into computer* “First name?”

Me: “Digger.”

Tech: “Digger?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The tech give me a funny look and goes into the back. He returns with the medicine in hand.)

Tech: “So, you can’t drive while taking this. Also, you cannot drink alcohol while taking this. I will need you to sign saying you understand those restrictions.”

Me: *laughing* “No problem.”

Tech: “I need a date of birth.”

Me: “October 2015. I don’t know the day.”

Tech: “You don’t know your child’s birthdate?”

Me: “It’s not my child.”

Tech: “I’m not going to be able to fill this.”

Me: “I need the pharmacist. Now.”

(The pharmacist comes out and asks what the problem is.)

Tech: “She’s picking up this medicine but she doesn’t know the birthdate and then she says it isn’t her child.”

Pharmacist: *takes bag and reads label* “Look at this name.”

(The tech looks and still doesn’t seem to understand.)

Pharmacist: “The patient is named Digger K9 [Last Name]. That means it’s for her dog. Lots of people don’t know their dog’s birthday.”

Tech: “How was I supposed to know?”

Pharmacist: “I’ll finish this. Go wait in the office for me.”

(When I went to get his refill, the same tech handled the transaction. He commented that it was a really big dose for a toddler. Pretty sure whatever the pharmacist said — it didn’t help.)

[florida80]

You Suck(tion)!

Clinic, North Carolina, USA | Healthy | November 28, 2017


(I have a rare disease for which I have to have blood work done every few months. I always get it done at the local health department because I don’t have insurance and labs are too expensive elsewhere. They used to have a phlebotomist on staff who was quite good at her job, but she retired around a year before this incident. After she retired, for a while, my tests were done by whichever nurse happened to be available. On this day, one of the nurses who has drawn my blood a few times before is training a different nurse on lab procedures, so the trainee nurse is actually the one doing the draw. I’m often a problematic draw because my veins are small, and sometimes my blood doesn’t come out. This happens after several other mishaps, including the trainee nurse not noticing all of the tests I need to have done, having to remind both of them that one of my samples has to be frozen, and the trainee nurse failing to draw from my left arm and having to try my right arm instead. As the trainee nurse is drawing my blood, she’s pulling up on the needle in a way that makes it hurt like h***, but I’m kind of used to it, so I’m just responding to the talkative trainer nurse and not looking at my arm. Finally the trainee nurse finishes filling the last vial and removes the needle. Something feels a little odd, so I look down to see blood POURING from my arm. I’ve been getting labs done regularly for about 13 years at this point, and I’ve never seen anything like that, so I’m a bit alarmed.)

Me: “What the h***?!

Trainee Nurse: “…”

Trainer Nurse: “Oh! *to trainee nurse* “Looks like you broke the suction…” *to me* “Uh, she broke the suction… But that’s okay! It’s perfectly fine, just looks bad. Don’t worry!”

Me: “Uh…”

Trainee Nurse: “It happens sometimes.”

Me: “That has NEVER happened to me before. But okay, sure.”

(That’s not something that just “happens sometimes”; that’s something you DO.)

[florida80]

Extra Nerve-ous

Costa Rica, Dentist | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(I’m deadly afraid of dentists, but one day I finally get the courage to go see one for a routine check up. They tell me I need to get my wisdom teeth removed and we set up an appointment.)

Me: “Please be patient.”

Dentist: “This will not hurt at all in a few minutes, after the anaesthetic kicks off.”

(He gives me three injections. A few minutes later he pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “Aaaah!”

Dentist: “Okay, more anaesthetic.”

(He gives me another injection, waits a few more minutes, then pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!”

Dentist: “Don’t lie; it doesn’t hurt.”

Me: “Please, I swear it does.”

Dentist: “I can’t give you any more anaesthetic. Go home and come back next week. Take a valium.”

(One week and one valium later:)

Dentist: “I gave you all the anaesthetic I can. Stop crying for nothing.”

(In extreme pain, I manage to get to the opening of the area around the tooth, then he begins pulling.)

Me: “No more! Please stop!”

Dentist: “Just a bit more. Let me pull some more. It doesn’t hurt.”

Me: *refusing to open my mouth any more* “No.”

(The dentist even called my mom, and she screamed at me to stop being a wuss. Still, I refused to get anything else and he was forced to close the gap and let me go. He was kind enough to recommend another dentist with access to morphine. Thankfully the new dentist thought that my problem was probably that I had an extra nerve around that area. He gave me a normal anaesthetic where he thought it was and took out the tooth without so much as a peep from me. The lesson is: trust yourself.)

[florida80]

Extra Nerve-ous

Costa Rica, Dentist | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(I’m deadly afraid of dentists, but one day I finally get the courage to go see one for a routine check up. They tell me I need to get my wisdom teeth removed and we set up an appointment.)

Me: “Please be patient.”

Dentist: “This will not hurt at all in a few minutes, after the anaesthetic kicks off.”

(He gives me three injections. A few minutes later he pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “Aaaah!”

Dentist: “Okay, more anaesthetic.”

(He gives me another injection, waits a few more minutes, then pokes me with an instrument.)

Me: “OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!”

Dentist: “Don’t lie; it doesn’t hurt.”

Me: “Please, I swear it does.”

Dentist: “I can’t give you any more anaesthetic. Go home and come back next week. Take a valium.”

(One week and one valium later:)

Dentist: “I gave you all the anaesthetic I can. Stop crying for nothing.”

(In extreme pain, I manage to get to the opening of the area around the tooth, then he begins pulling.)

Me: “No more! Please stop!”

Dentist: “Just a bit more. Let me pull some more. It doesn’t hurt.”

Me: *refusing to open my mouth any more* “No.”

(The dentist even called my mom, and she screamed at me to stop being a wuss. Still, I refused to get anything else and he was forced to close the gap and let me go. He was kind enough to recommend another dentist with access to morphine. Thankfully the new dentist thought that my problem was probably that I had an extra nerve around that area. He gave me a normal anaesthetic where he thought it was and took out the tooth without so much as a peep from me. The lesson is: trust yourself.)

[florida80]

Insulin And Out

Hospital, UK | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(I have been admitted to hospital for fainting spells. I am also diabetic and use injections. I am currently on my period, and for whatever reason I tend to bruise more often from the injections during this time.)

Nurse: *coming in while I’m getting changed* “Okay, this shouldn’t take very long. At most you should be— What are those?”

Me: “What are what?”

Nurse: *now angry and pointing at my thighs* “THOSE!”

Me: “Bruises, from insulin injections.”

(It looks like she doesn’t believe me as she turns and leaves. I have an MRI and CT scan, and now they need to do some blood tests. I am given some forms, which have already been filled out, but I’m asked to check to see if there is anything that has been missed. After the blood has been taken, a new medical officer comes in with my forms.)

Medical Officer: “Are you all right, dear? We just need to make sure everything is right before we do the tests.”

Me: “I already checked them and they’re fine.”

Medical Officer: “Yes, but we need more than just the medication you have been prescribed. We also need other drugs you may have taken recently.”

Me: “Again, already on the form.”

Medical Officer: “Any not-necessarily-legal drugs.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Medical Officer: “I may as well be open. Now, there’s no need to be ashamed, but we really need to know what drugs you are addicted to, and for how long. They could be what is causing your condition.”

Me: “I’m not on anything like that. What is this– Oh. Have any of the nurses spoken to you about my legs?”

Medical Officer: “There was an observation made that you use your legs for the injection site, yes.”

Me: “And did they also tell you that I’m diabetic as well, and that’s where I administer my insulin?” *shows her my legs*

Medical Officer: *doubtful* “That’s a lot of bruising for mere insulin injections.”

Me: “If I had been admitted a week ago, they wouldn’t be there. I’m on my period, and my injections always cause bruising while I’m on my period.”

(She still looks doubtful, but leaves me in peace. I’m really shook up by it and despite these two being the only people who think I’m a drug addict, I opt to leave and be seen elsewhere. I never find out the cause of my fainting, but it disappears within a month. Six months later, I’m back at said hospital for retinal screening. Lo and behold, the woman who sees me is the second one mentioned above. She recognises me.)

Medical Officer: “Oh, small world. How have you—”

Me: *lifting my skirt* “Do you see any bruises now? Do I look like a junkie now?”

Medical Officer: *blushing* “Oh, umm. No. I’m sorry about jumping to—”

Me: “Just save it. If you’ve been given this responsibility, after how you treated me, you can stuff it!”

(I then left and arranged to have all future screening done at a hospital nearly an hour away. It really makes you wonder why these two women, out of all the people who saw me that day, believed I was a drug addict because of bruising on one of the most common areas diabetics inject.)

[florida80]

Calibrations Always Go Up And Down

Hospital, USA, Utah | Healthy | November 27, 2017


(It’s the night shift in the hospital lab. I’m the scientist doing the nightly calibrating of our analyzers’ drug screen when the ER requests a drug screen, which I can’t run until I finish my calibrations; once I start, I can’t stop. We tell them it will be done as soon as possible, and we’ll rush the sample, which they’re okay with. Meanwhile, some plumbers are working on one of our sinks. The lead scientist comes to my bench to check on my progress and get a better ETA to tell the doctors.)

Lead Scientist: “How’s it coming over here?”

Me: “I’m almost ready. I just need to do cocaine and marijuana.”

Lead Scientist: *without missing a beat* “[My Name], you know better than to mix uppers and downers.”

(The plumbers all went silent and turned to look at us. I hope they didn’t think we were actually doing drugs.)

[florida80]

Something Doesn’t Clicky

Hospital, UK | Healthy | November 26, 2017


(I am fifteen and fortunate enough to be able to attend the birth of my baby sister with my dad. This takes place only an hour after she is born.)

Doctor: “Now, Mrs. [Mum], is it all right if a student doctor does the examination on your baby?”

Mum: “Yes, of course; they have to practice!”

Doctor: “[Student]! You can come in now!

Student: *examines my baby sister and then looks worried* “I’m going to refer [Sister] here. She is exhibiting signs of clicky hips.”

Mum: “Should we be worried? [My Name] didn’t have any of that. Is it going to affect her as she gets older?!”

Student: “It’s likely she’ll just have a little fabric harness. It’s easily corrected.”

(Two weeks later we are sitting in a clinic room in the hospital waiting for the doctor. My mum sits next to a lady with a toddler and a baby not much older than my sister.)

Lady: “Hello, why are you here?”

Mum: “We’ve been referred. Apparently, [Sister] has clicky hips.”

Lady: *looks surprised* “Same here! Did you have [Student] examine her?”

Mum: “Yes, that was him!”

Lady: “I’ve talked to three other ladies who’ve been referred, and each of their babies have absolutely nothing wrong. I’m betting it’s the same for our two!”

(It turned out the student had referred about twenty mothers over the two days he’d been in the department, and none of their babies had clicky hips!)

[florida80]

Has To Be Some Kind Of Record

Hospital, USA, Wisconsin | Healthy | November 25, 2017


Customer: “I need my birth record in order to request a new Social Security card, because I don’t have a copy of my birth certificate.”

(This is a fairly common request, so I nod as I look over his Release of Information to make sure all the fields have been completed. Before I get to the end, he adds:)

Customer: “I wasn’t actually born at this hospital. Does that matter?”

(Yes, it matters. He left empty-handed.)

[florida80]

County The Ways

California, Clinic, USA | Healthy | November 24, 2017


(I work for a non-profit medical clinic. Because the county we operate in provides a pretty broad range of services, we have a lot of patients who labor under the belief that we are associated with the county. We are not and never have been. I overhear my colleague who is working the front desk engaging with a patient.)

Patient: “So you’re part of the county, right?”

Colleague: “No, we are in no way associated with the county.”

Patient: “Oh, so you contract with them?”

Colleague: “No. We are not contracted by, subcontract with, or in any way work for or answer to the county.”

Patient: “So, you’re subcontracted with the county.”

Colleague: “No, we are not. We are in no way, shape, or form any part of the county services.”

Patient: *sounding confused* “Oh.”

(A moment later.)

Patient: “So can you send [paperwork] through this fax machine?” *gestures at printer*

Colleague: “That isn’t a fax machine.”

Patient: “Can you fax it from here?”

Colleague: “No, we do not have a fax machine here.”

Patient: *confused* “Oh.”

(After the patient has been called in to see the provider.)

Me: *to Colleague, teasing* “So hey, [Colleague], aren’t we part of the county?”

Colleague: *throws hands in the air* “Apparently!”

Me: “Someone should tell [Boss]. He won’t have to worry about that [specific] grant anymore!”

[florida80]

Millennial Problems Don’t Have Legs To Stand On

Grocery Store, Ohio, USA | Healthy | November 24, 2017


(I’m 20, and I use a wheelchair because my leg muscles can’t support me. I’m at the grocery store with my boyfriend and talking to someone at the bakery who we know personally when a woman walks up to us.)

Woman: “Oh, another lazy teen. Why can’t you just walk normally?”

Me: “Uhm, because I have a medical condition?”

Woman: “Don’t you lie! You just don’t wanna walk like everyone else!”

Boyfriend: “She can’t even stand up without assistance. She’s not lazy.”

Woman: “Oh, so you’re in on this, too?!” *looks at bakery clerk* “Do you see what this generation is doing?!”

Clerk: “Yeah, people who regularly see a doctor about their medical problems. She’s been in a wheelchair since I met her.”

Woman: “UGH! LAZY ENTITLED BRATS!” *storms off*

(We laugh after she leaves. The bakery clerk gives us a couple baked goods for half off for the trouble.)

[florida80]

Doctor, You Pain Me

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2017


(I’m talking to my doctor about a procedure that will prevent future pain. He is familiar with my medical history.)

Doctor: “The surgery will really hurt.”

Me: “But it will be temporary right?”

Doctor: “Yes. But it will REALLY hurt.”

Me: “I’m fine with that if it stops the current pain.”

Doctor: “I don’t think you understand. This will be horrible pain. You’ll have to lie in bed for at least a week.”

Me: “Doctor. I’ve been run through. Do you think it’ll be worse than that?”

Doctor: “No.”

Me: “Then I want to do it.”

Doctor: “But it will hurt!”

(He didn’t let me do it.)

[florida80]

It’s Halal, Not Ha-LOL

Hospital, North Carolina, Religion, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2017


(I am a white teenage girl, just admitted to a ward and I am asleep. The nurse saw me come in with a t-shirt and jeans even though now I’m in a normal hospital gown.)

Dad: “Can my daughter get special meals?”

Nurse: “What kind? Is it an allergy?”

Dad: “She’s Muslim and needs halal food.”

Nurse: *odd look* “Muslim?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Nurse: “That’s ridiculous. She didn’t wear a hijab.”

Dad: “She rarely does, but she is Muslim.”

Nurse: “Then she isn’t really Muslim. She just plays dress up and has a fad diet like all teenagers.” *starts leaving*

Dad: “Oi! She is Muslim and needs halal food. She’s strict about that.”

Nurse: “Yeah, right.”

(My dad gave up and found another nurse who understood and made sure I got halal meals. It could have been much worse.)

[florida80]

Graduated Up To A Personalized Service

Pennsylvania, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 23, 2017


(I am picking up my medicine and in order to do so, you must give your name and birth date, including year.)

Clerk: “Name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Clerk: “Birthday?”

Me: “[Date].”

Clerk: “That’s the same day I graduated. To the day.”

Me: “And year. Next time you ask, I’m just going to say, ‘the exact day you graduated.’”

[florida80]

Sickening Lack Of Attentiveness

Hospital, Switzerland, Winterthur | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I’m staying at the hospital because of an exploded appendix. Unfortunately, the surgery goes wrong and I end up with several complications. One of them includes not being able to hold any liquid, not even the liquid my stomach produces. So despite not eating or drinking anything, I spend several days (around a week) vomiting up green goo until I finally manage to get that under control. A few days later, I’m chatting with a nurse when I suddenly feel the need to barf again! Thankfully, there’s a vomit-bag sitting right next to the nurse.)

Me: *with some urgency* “Can you please give me the vomit bag?”

Nurse: *shocked* “What? I thought you were done with that?”

(At this point I’m afraid that if I talk any more I will just start projectile vomiting so I just stare at her, hoping she’ll get the hint. But the nurse just stares back at me for what seems like an eternity, expecting me to answer the question.)

Me: “Quickly!”

(The nurse finally scrambled to get the bag, but by the time she got it, I’d already started vomiting all over the floor. I sure hope she’ll be more attentive in the future!)









0

[florida80]

The Sad Estate Of This Family

Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I work at a long-term care pharmacy. We service patients in nursing homes, assisted living, etc. and bill prescription costs monthly. Of course, this means we have trouble with people not paying their bill. Part of my job is to make collections calls. I hear all kinds of excuses, but this was a first.)

Man: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling from [Pharmacy]. Is [Person #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] available?”

Man: “Nope, he’s in jail over in [County].”

Me: *not sure how to respond* “I’m sorry to hear that… I also have [Person #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] listed as an authorized contact. May I speak with her?”

Man: “Nope, can’t talk to her either. She’s dead.”

Me: *now REALLY not sure how to respond* “I’m sorry to hear that, too. I’m calling in reference to [Patient]’s account. Who could I speak with that handles [Patient]’s finances?”

Man: “Not him. He’s dead now, too. His wife’s still living but she’s got ‘all-timers’ disease so she won’t be much help.”

Me: *basically at a loss for words at this point* “There must be someone handling [Patient]’s estate. Who would that be?”

Man: “Couldn’t tell you. The only one I know of that’s not dead, locked up, or crazy is [Person #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ]. She’s probably the best you’re going to get.”

(Turned out [Person #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ] was extremely nice and helpful, and promptly sent a check for the full balance. She must have been the shining star in a family of “dead, locked up, and crazy!”)

[florida80]

Making Sure You All (Co)Pay Dearly

Extra Stupid, Money, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 22, 2017


(I work at a long-term care pharmacy. We bill prescriptions monthly, and always get angry phone calls a few days after statements go out.)

Me: “[Pharmacy], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Angry Man: “What kind of scam are you all running out there?”

Me: “Sir?”

Angry Man: “Do you think you’re going to get away with charging these outrageous prices? I should report you for robbery!”

Me: “If you have questions about any charges, I’d be happy to explain them to you.”

Angry Man: “As a matter of fact you can! I’d like to know why you’re charging me $50 for a month’s worth of [medication]!”

(I pull up the claim and go through my normal spiel of how we submit a claim to the insurance company, they respond with how much they’ll pay and how much of a copay we need to collect from the patient, and how we have no influence over the cost of the copay, as this is determined by the plan, etc.)

Angry Man: “Well then, how come I can go to [Other Pharmacy] and get three months’ worth for $150?”

Me: “Sir, that’s the same price.”

Angry Man: “You’re trying to tell me that $50 and $150 are the same thing? How stupid can you be to have your job?”

Me: *remembering to be professional and not sarcastic* “No, sir. I’m telling you that $50 for a 30 day supply and $150 for a 90 day supply is exactly the same price.”

Angry Man: “I can’t pay $50 every month for one prescription! I’ll go broke! I’m going to be using [Other Pharmacy] from now on so I can get more for a decent price! And I’m going up to [Nursing Home] and telling everyone there that you’re robbing them!”

Me: *slowly losing professionalism* “You have the right to use whatever pharmacy you like. If you feel the need to tell them that, I can’t stop you. But if they can do basic math, they’ll realize that copays are no different with us than they are anywhere else.”

Angry Man: “I know the tactics you people use to try to confuse me. You talk over my head hoping I’ll give up and pay your ridiculous price! You’re not going to fool me. I’m no dumb-a**!”

(At this point I was contemplating whether it would be worth the complaint I’d get if I said “Well, sir, you certainly could’ve fooled me,” but he slammed the phone down, making my decision for me. People are unbelievably dumb!)

[florida80]

Doctor Nose Best

Boston, Family & Kids, Massachusetts, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | November 21, 2017


(I am a pediatrician. A woman has come in with her little girl who is suffering from a rather infected finger. He diagnoses her with a staph infection, prescribes some antibiotics, and sends them home. At the end of the antibiotics the woman is back in his office, and the infection has spread to several areas; a spot on the little girl’s face, the inside of her nose, and a spot on her leg. She demands that I run a million tests because I’m clearly a “failure of a doctor.”)

Me: “Ma’am, it appears that your daughter has spread the infection to other areas of her body, most likely through scratches or by touching a scratch that was already there.”

Mother: “That’s impossible! How would she get one in her nose? You’re just making excuses because you don’t want to run any tests!”

Me: “I can assure you, ma’am, that’s not the case. If I felt the need to, I would certainly run more tests, but there is no need for all that time, effort, and money when I can clearly see what the cause is. It’s more than 99% certain that she spread it through her nose by a scratch as the bacteria causing the infection is located under her fingernails. She picked her nose, scratched it, and spread the infection there.”

Mother: *turns bright red* “That’s ridiculous! My little princess would never do anything so disgusting as pick her nose! We’re just going to go and get a second opinion! You’ll be run out of business, you’ll see!”

(We turn around to see her “little princess” with a finger very far up her nose indeed. The mother grows nearly purple at this point and swats her daughter’s hand away from her face.)

Me: “So I’ll be prescribing that next round of antibiotics, then?”

[florida80]

His Humor Is Straight As An Arrow

Buckinghamshire, England, Hospital, Non-Dialogue, United Kingdom | Healthy | November 21, 2017


Before I retired, I spent many years working permanent nights in operating theatres, giving skilled assistance to the anaesthetist. We performed emergency surgery in quite a few fields but our main area of expertise was plastic surgery.

One night, a young man was brought into the anaesthetic room conscious, calm, and pain-free. We started to talk about what had happened to him. He was a competitive archer and he presented with a carbon fibre arrow through his left hand! On one side there was about a foot of gleaming black arrow with a perfect flight and on the other side there was a hideous splay of fractured carbon fibre. He explained that the only problem with carbon fibre arrows is that they are susceptible to damage if one strikes another in the target. He simply didn’t notice that this particular arrow had been weakened and when he released it the torque caused it to fracture and it punched through his hand.

I started to formally check him in: looking at his wristband I asked him to state his name and date of birth. Both tallied. “When did you last have anything to eat or drink?” Quite a few hours, so no problem. “Are you allergic to anything, especially any drugs or medicines?” No allergies. “Do you have any jewellery or body piercings?” He gestured towards his left hand: “Oh, just the one…”

I felt myself going bright red and we both giggled. We sent him off to sleep and the surgeon removed the arrow, cleaned up and debrided the wound, and carefully checked to see if he’d damaged any of the structures inside his hand. Fortunately, nothing significant had been affected – he was very lucky.

On nights we multitask, so I had to supervise his recovery from the anaesthetic. Before discharging him to the ward, I made sure that he could remember his snappy reply. “You’ll be dining out on that one, I’m sure!”

[florida80]

The ‘Feeling’ Is Mutual

California, Phone, USA | Healthy | November 21, 2017


(I’ve had some pain for several weeks, but recently had a medical test that found nothing wrong. After telling me this result, the doctor left and sent me on my way without any recommendations about how to feel better. I was frustrated so I asked her assistant to have the doctor call me back as soon as possible. I don’t get the call for a few days, and when the doctor finally does call, she sounds annoyed and uninterested.)

Doctor: *on the phone* “So there’s really nothing I can do for you. This sort of thing happens to everyone as they get older…” *stops listening to me and launches into a long standard spiel about aging and health*

Me: *struggling to get a word in edgewise, I finally have an idea* “So, how are you feeling?”

Doctor: “Wha… what?”

Me: *trying not to laugh at how I finally stopped her in her tracks* “I said, how are you feeling?”

Doctor: “You… you’re not supposed to ask me that! I’m supposed to tell you what to do!”

Me: “Well, you must feel one way or another. You are human, right?”

Doctor: *speechless*

(When she finally got her brain back on track, she humbly recommended a doctor at a different hospital who might actually be able to help me!)

[florida80]

Flu Right Past The Diagnosis

Hospital, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA | Healthy | November 20, 2017


(I am in so much pain that I have a friend drive me to the ER. Note: I commonly have stomach problems and this pain is certainly NOT in my stomach. I get seen fairly quickly and given pain medicine but am still in some pain in spite of it.)

Doctor: “Did you recently have the flu?”

Me: “Yes, but this isn’t the flu.”

Doctor: “Yes, it is; it is causing you more pain because you’ve gotten it two times in a row. The pain is in your colon.”

Me: “I’ve had issues like that before. This is not it. Digestive pain does not happen on one side. Check your tests again.”

(The doctor leaves. I continue to experience pain and walk around to try to relieve it as sitting down seems to make it worse. Finally a nurse comes and tells me they are taking me to get an ultrasound.)

Me: “So what happened? Did he finally believe me?”

Nurse: “Yes, your pee sample came back and you had blood in it. You probably have a kidney stone.”

(Guess what was confirmed by the ultrasound? Never have I wanted to punch a doctor so badly. The flu indeed!)

[florida80]

Bleeding Puns

Dubuque, Hospital, Iowa, Punny, USA | Healthy | November 20, 2017


(I’m in the ER with some potential heart issues. At one point, I get a very nice lady in to draw some blood, and she’s joined by a coworker who’s about to go off shift. My elbow veins aren’t cooperating, so I have to get blood drawn from the back of my hand as well. It goes faster after that, and soon, the lady who’s leaving heads out, then pokes her head back in the door.)

Phlebotomist: “Thanks for letting me stick around!”

(My mom and I couldn’t stop laughing. Definitely made the whole visit bearable!)

[florida80]

MRI = Milk Restrictive Invention

Australia, Hospital, New South Wales, Sydney | Healthy | November 20, 2017


(It took my husband and me several years to conceive. I wasn’t overly impressed with my induced labour of 48 hours that resulted in emergency C-section, and I struggle with breastfeeding that can’t be resolved by any method. I am feeling pretty down about not being able to do anything unassisted and am not 100% happy about having to top up every meal with formula but I am determined to keep going with breastfeeding. I’ll admit this is probably out of stubbornness, but it means a lot to me. Meanwhile, I have to have an MRI that I had to reschedule while pregnant and when I make the appointment, I ask if it is safe while breastfeeding. I am assured it is and though I am dubious, I will admit that I don’t look into it further, assuming they know better than I do. The appointment comes up and I leave my six-week-old baby for the first time with my husband and drive myself (also for the first time since the operation) to the radiologist.)

Receptionist: “Yes?”

Me: “Hello, I have an appointment for an MRI. My name is [My Name].”

Receptionist: “Here.”

(She thrusts paperwork at me. I fill it out, listing my allergies and so on, and note that there’s a question asking if I might be pregnant or breastfeeding. I put a tick next to it and finish the form. Handing it back to the receptionist, I ask about the question. She says it’s fine and tells me to sit down. Since I am the last patient of the day, I am taken in before I have a chance to ask her more and I figure it’s better to ask the tech anyway. The radiologist technician glances briefly at my form and sprints off down the corridor with me struggling to keep up. He obviously wants to get out for the day because he’s saying all his introductory explanation spiel to me similar to the squirrel from Hoodwinked. When he comes up for air, I manage to talk.)

Me: “The form asked me if I am breastfeeding.”

Tech: *casually* “Yes, you can’t breastfeed.”

Me: *thinking over his poor choice of words*

Tech: “…are you breastfeeding?”

Me: “Yes, I am breastfeeding. I did ask about this when I booked the appointment. They said it’s fine.”

Tech: “We have to put the dye in you and it’s toxic so you can’t breastfeed for three days after the MRI.”

Me: “That doesn’t explain why they didn’t tell me this when I booked.”

Tech: *looks confused*

Me: “I asked reception today, too. She said it’s fine.”

Tech: “What would they know?”

Me: “Actually, I’d imagine they’d know who can and cannot come for an MRI since it’s their job to book and take appointments.”

Tech: “Oh, yeah, probably then. Well, I can’t answer for them but the dye is toxic. You can’t breastfeed for three days. So just don’t breastfeed and you’ll be all right.”

Me: “That’s okay. I will just reschedule.”

Tech: “Can’t you just stop for a few days?”

Me: *feeling pretty crappy* “I am sorry but I can’t just casually stop breastfeeding.”

Tech: “Just breastfeed more and store up milk for three days.”

Me: “…”

Tech: *cheerfully* “You know you can freeze it, right?”

Me: “It would take me at least a month to build up three days worth.”

Tech: “Okay, we’ll reschedule for a month. That will give you time.”

Me: “…”

Tech: *getting irritated* “Or, just go buy formula. It’s really not that bad.”

Me: “Of course formula isn’t bad, but that’s not the point. If I stop I might not be able to keep going at all.”

Tech: *getting angry* “Then go buy a pump and just throw it away for three days. But make sure you wash it properly because it’s toxic.”

(I am thinking this is not his business and I don’t want to talk about it, but also as I am now teetering on a cliff between furious and devastated, I go on.)

Me: “I need to physically feed her and I can’t just stop. Yes, I pump, but I need to do both. It’s not your business but I have been through too much to throw it away casually like you want me to. Forget the MRI. I am leaving.”

Tech: *cheerful as his work day has ended sooner than he expected* “No worries. We can book you in when you’re ready.”

Me: “Thanks, but I will go somewhere else, with properly trained staff who know what services they can and cannot provide and give proper information in an understanding way, when I am no longer breastfeeding.”

(I was temporarily impressed with my own ability to string more that three words together because I never stick up for myself and I was shaking like a leaf, and I made my way back down the maze like corridors without getting lost. I also managed to get my referral back from the receptionist who talked to the tech in front of me about how I couldn’t get the MRI because I am breastfeeding, to which the receptionist asked “so when do you want to rebook?” and I responded “like h*** I will be,” before leaving and getting in my car. I cried in the car and they never knew it. For that, I was thankful

[florida80]

Oh The Eye-rony

Canada, Marriage & Partners, Ontario, Optometrist, Toronto | Healthy | November 19, 2017


(I walk into my optometrist’s office and find a new secretary. I’m curious about what happened to “Jane,” the last one, especially since “Jane” and the doctor were married! I’m the only one in the office right now so I decide to be nosey:)

Me: *after the preliminary sign in conversation* “So, Jane is no longer here?”

New Secretary: “No, she’s gone.”

Me: “I’m surprised considering her relationship with the Doctor.”

New Secretary: “It was all very awkward, Jane needed to start wearing glasses but she refused to. The doctor had to fire her because she was giving out the wrong prescriptions to people and messing up things like that.”

Me: “Ooh, that’s not good. Wait, she was married to an optometrist and worked in an optometrist’s office and refused to wear glasses?”

New Secretary: “Yup. I shouldn’t say this but I believe it was a case of vanity gone wrong. They’re getting divorced now, too.”

Me: “Gee, I wonder why?”

[florida80]

Let’s Hope It Was A Clean Break

Australia, Gold Coast, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Queensland | Healthy | November 18, 2017


(Our two storey house has a lot of windows, many of them quite high up, so we use a window cleaning service. We’ve used the same guy every time. One day, he brings a coworker with him. He introduces me to the coworker, who responds to my greeting by saying curtly:)

Coworker: “Yeah, hi. Where are your taps? We need to get started.”

(I’m working in my home office, which is upstairs. I see the ladder resting against the side of the house and our window cleaner ascending it. He gives me a friendly smile and wave and right then, the ladder wobbles and he falls. I race outside and he’s lying on the grass unconscious. I rush into the house for the phone and as I do, I pass the coworker.)

Me: “[Window Cleaner] has just fallen from his ladder; he’s out cold! I’m calling an ambulance!”

Coworker: “You do that.”

(He doesn’t make a move to check on his colleague; he just carries on cleaning. I call the ambulance and rush back outside.)

Me: “Didn’t you hear what I said? [Window Cleaner] has had a bad fall. Why aren’t you checking on him?”

Coworker: “You just said you’d called the ambulance. What do you want me to do about it? Do you want your windows cleaned or not?!”

(I’m not about to stand there arguing with him and I rush round the house to open the gate for the paramedics and to stay with my window cleaner until they arrive. As they are assessing him he starts to come round, but is later revealed to have a broken ankle, a broken collarbone, and a concussion. After the paramedics have taken him away, I go back to the coworker.)

Me: “I think he’ll be okay. They’ve taken him to [Hospital]. Shouldn’t you follow the ambulance or let his wife know or SOMETHING?”

Coworker: *after a long pause in which he just stares at me* “That’ll be $160.00.”

[florida80]

Using His Outdoor Voice Inside

Australia, Medical Office | Healthy | November 17, 2017


(I am opening the clinic, getting to work at 8:30 am when we open at 9:00 am. I am an avid believer of keeping the shutters closed and main lights off until I am completely ready to accept people. I leave the back-door unlocked for the remainder of staff to come in, as not everyone has a key. The back door has a ‘Staff Only’ sign. Walking around the department in the dark, paper-like bed sheets in my arms, I hear a strange yelling sound. Outside it is incredibly windy and the back door is unlocked so I assume it has something to do with that. While replacing toilet paper in the bathrooms, there is another yell. This time I poke my head out the back door and see nothing. I am finally behind the desk logging into the systems when a loud slamming sound makes me jump and in full view of the back room across the hall I see an unhappy older man march in. The lights are still off. The shutters out front are closed. There are no escape doors for me. The setting made it seem terrifying, but I really only stood there in shock. It is 8:40 am.)

Patient: *yelling as he walks up* “Your doors are closed! I have an appointment at nine!”

Me: “Y-Yes. We don’t open for another twenty minutes, sir.”

Patient: “I have an appointment! Do you expect me to wait outside in the cold? I’m not waiting outside!”

(I am still genuinely scared and consider calling the police because he is being very aggressive and I fear for my safety. Then I think, why is he not waiting in his car? Did he expect everyone to open twenty minutes early just because he was there?)

Me: “I’m not prepared to take anyone yet. That’s why everything is still closed. My computer hasn’t finished signing in.”

Patient: “FINE! I’ll wait here! I’m not waiting outside!”

(Still scared, but somewhat mad now, I left the desk and made myself busy. Then I went to the tea room and waited until 8:50. Meanwhile, the techs had come in with strange looks, wanting to know what the man’s situation was. After that, I returned, turned on the lights, and opened the shutters. His car was parked outside. Point of the story: patients genuinely scare staff when they get like this. When it comes to people’s health, they are capable of anything. I thought he was going to hit me!)

[florida80]

It’s Our Morning Period

Arizona, Medical Office, Phoenix, USA | Healthy | November 17, 2017


(Our office is only open a half-day on Friday. This takes place at about 11:00 am.)

Patient: “So, today is your half-day, right?”

Me: “Right; we’re only open half the day on Fridays.”

Patient: “Are you open in the morning or the afternoon?”

Me: *looks around at the waiting room full of patients, including her* “Uh… Morning.”

Patient: “Oh, that would make sense.”

[florida80]

Vets Need To Vet Their Pharmacists

New York, Pharmacy, USA, Vet | Healthy | November 17, 2017


(I take my sick dog to the vet and they don’t have the medicine he needs, so they send me to a store to pick it up from their pharmacy.)

Me: “Hi, I’m here to pick up medicine for my dog.”

Rep: “What’s the name?”

Me: “Well, my name is [My Name], but my dog is named Austin.”

Rep: “The medicine is for Austin? What’s Austin’s date of birth?”

Me: “I honestly don’t know what they would have for that; he is a rescue.”

Rep: “Do you have a phone number for Austin?”

Me: “My number is [number].”

Rep: “I don’t need your number. I need the patient’s number.”

Me: “He’s a golden retriever. He doesn’t have a number.”

Rep: “Look, I need information or I can’t give you anything. I can’t even find the prescription.”

Me: “It was called in by [Vet Hospital, with ‘Veterinary’ in the name].”

(The rep yells to the people behind him:)

Rep: “Did we get a call from a [Vet Hospital, but without the word ‘Veterinary’]?”

(I try to correct him, but he brushes me off and the other employees tell him no.)

Rep: “Look, try talking to someone at the drop off window. Right now, you can’t prove you even have a prescription.”

Me: “I don’t have a prescription, but my dog, Austin, does from his veterinarian.”

(The rep glares at me and points to the drop off window. I go over.)

Me: “Hi, I’m here to pick up medicine for my dog, Austin, that my veterinarian called in.”

Drop-Off Pharmacist: “I have that here. What’s your phone number so I can verify?” *I provide it* “Okay, our customer service rep at the main register will check you out.”

(I get back in the first line with the same rep.)

Rep: “What’s this? They found it? Well, I still need you to verify Austin’s information, or call him to get it.”

Me: “Again, Austin is a dog. See? The medicine is listed for veterinary; there’s even a picture of a dog on the package.”

Rep: “Okay, you need to talk to the pharmacist.”

(He puts the medicine on the back counter. I wait five minutes and the pharmacist comes out.)

Pharmacist: “What questions do you have?”

Me: “None, actually. The vet said just to give him a pill twice a day.”

Pharmacist: “Okay. [Rep], why did you call me up?”

Rep: “Is it even legal to give this to her? She doesn’t have the patient’s information.”

Pharmacist: “The patient is a dog. It’s fine.”

Rep: “A dog? Who needs medicine for a dog? Whatever, here.”

(He hands me the bag with the medication.)

Me: “I haven’t paid.”

Rep: “Yeah, you did; I rang you out.”

Me: “No.”

Pharmacist: “This wasn’t paid for. Let me personally ring you out over here. I’m going to write down my information and the name of the other employee who helped you. If you have any questions, comments, or complaints, please send them to this email address. Please send them. We need to have a certain number of complaints before we can let an employee go.”

[florida80]

Screaming For A New Nurse

Hospital, Mississippi, Novi, USA | Healthy | November 16, 2017


(This occurs when I am 19 years old, and in the hospital giving birth. I am a fairly tiny person, my baby is pretty huge, and I’m in my 23rd hour of labor, so you can see how I might be stressed out. The first time I let out a pained scream…)

Nurse: *disgustedly* “You know the screaming doesn’t actually help, right?”

(My mom and boyfriend gawk at her.)

Boyfriend: “Are you kidding? Did you seriously just say that?”

Nurse: *defensively* “Look, I’m just saying that it’s 3:00 am; people are trying to sleep. She’s being really loud.”

Mom: “GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!”

(She huffed and walked out of the room without a word, leaving another nurse to scramble in to help. I saw her a few more times during my stay, and thankfully she kept her mouth shut.)

[florida80]

Cold-Blooded Humor

Alberta, Canada, Hospital | Healthy | November 16, 2017


(I received a call from my doctor after having some blood work done, telling me to get to the ER immediately for a blood transfusion, as my hemoglobin levels were critically low. A friend of mine takes me and stays with me for support. She likes to try and lighten the mood with a sarcastic sense of humor. This occurs when the nurse brings in the first bag of blood and hooks it up to my IV…)

Me: “Oh, wow… that’s a strange sensation!”

Nurse: “What? It’s not burning is it? Does it hurt?”

Me: “Not at all… It’s just really cold! I’ve never felt cold inside my body before.”

Friend: “Cold? Geez, Nurse! Can’t ya warm it up a little for her?”

Nurse: “…umm.”

Friend: “Just throw it in the microwave for a few minutes! My friend says it’s too cold here!”

Nurse: *mouth agape with a look of horror*

Me: “[Friend]… I don’t think she knows you’re joking.”

Friend: “Oh… Oh, my god! I’m totally joking! Just trying to lighten the mood!”

Nurse: “Oh, thank goodness! I mean, whatever you want to do on your own time, sure… but I’m not wasting precious O negative in this hospital for your little experiment here!”

(We had a good laugh after that. And after two bags of the red stuff my hemoglobin levels were back up to normal!)

[florida80]

Addicted To Death

Alberta, Canada, Hospital | Healthy | November 16, 2017


(I am eleven years old. My mother works in the kitchen of the local hospital and sometimes her duties involve delivering food trays to the patients. I remember her talking about the times on one floor where she would hear people moaning and crying, begging for morphine, as they lay painfully dying from whatever cancer was taking them from this world. One day, when I am out front of the hospital, I begin talking with a nurse who is waiting for the bus. We touch on a few topics until I remember my mother’s worlds about the terminally ill patients.)

Me: “My mother works in the kitchen and delivers food trays. She has told me about the dying people begging for morphine. Why don’t you give them what they need?”

Nurse: “Because they could become addicted, of course!”

Me: *I pondered her words for a few moments then replied* “Well, why don’t you give them the morphine they need, and then when they die, cut them off?”

Nurse: *giving me the stink-eye* “Little smart-a**!” *walks away in a huff*

[florida80]

Too Bad You Can’t Transfuse Out Racism

Bigotry, Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 16, 2017


(This happened to one of my professors in the 1970s while they were working in a hospital’s blood bank dispensary. It wasn’t uncommon at that time for people to be somewhat fixated on the concept of receiving blood from their own race only. Some people falsely believed that “black blood” would “turn you black,” and all sorts of other ridiculous racist things. A patient who has recently received a blood transfusion somehow gets their number.)

Caller: “What color was the blood you gave me?”

Professor: *knowing what they’re asking, but refusing to play* “Red.”

Caller: “No. Where did it come from?”

Professor: “From someone’s veins, out of the goodness of their hearts.”

Caller: “No, I mean, what type of person did it come from?”

Professor: “A generous, kind, and loving one. Look, I don’t know their race, and it doesn’t matter anyway, and I wouldn’t tell you if I did know.”

Caller: “F*** you!”

[florida80]

Will Come Down With Swine Flu

Medical Office, Montana, USA | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(I work at a small clinic which has a break room right next to my desk, so I smell everyone’s reheated lunch. I don’t eat pork.)

Me: “Do you have to eat that at my desk? It smells awful!”

Coworker: “Oh, you’ll be fine. Your hot cop is coming in today.”

(I have a regular patient who is a cop.)

Me: “He’s not ‘my hot cop.’ He’s twice my age.”

Coworker: “Whatever.” *walks away, taking her rancid lunch with her*

Me: *yelling* “Oh, sick! NOW IT SMELLS LIKE BACON IN HERE! I FREAKING HATE PIGS!”

(Right then my “hot cop patient” walked around the corner, and if looks could kill… Needless to say, when he came in for follow-up, I just happened to come down with the flu that day.)

[florida80]

Take (Medi)Care To Stay Alive

Grandparents, home, Rhode Island, USA | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(I am with my grandmother, who gets tons of sales calls, which everyone in the house finds obnoxious. One day, I answer the phone for her.)

Salesperson: “Hello, this is Medicare. Can I speak to [Grandmother]?”

Me: “She’s dead.”

Salesperson: “Okay, I’ll make a note of that on her file. Goodbye.”

(He hangs up. My grandmother is staring at me in shock.)

Grandma: “DID YOU JUST TELL MEDICARE THAT I DIED?! I’LL LOSE MY INSURANCE!”

(Naturally, I freak out. I’m near hysterical as I call the company and tell them what I had done.)

Medicare Person: “Did someone call the house? Because Medicare only calls if you have made an appointment in advance. We still have her alive on here.”

(So luckily they were scammers. However, I will never do that again. Ever.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12

Health & Body, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(I’m a manager for a popular casual restaurant. I receive a phone call from an upset customer.)

Caller: “Why don’t you offer allergy menus? My daughter almost died from eating calamari! Why would you serve her something that she is allergic to, and she’s pregnant!”

Me: “I do apologize for your daughter’s condition and we do offer a dozen different types of menus which do include an allergen menu, nutritional menus, large print menus, etc.”

Caller: “How am I supposed to know you have these menus?!”

Me: “Did you ask? Also, if your daughter knew she was allergic to calamari, why would she order it?”

Caller: “She didn’t know she was allergic to it! That’s why I was asking about the allergen menu!”

Me: “Okay, so, if she doesn’t know that she is allergic to calamari, how are we supposed to know?”

Caller: *realizes the paradox* “Well, she’s pregnant and I am really scared.”

(I’m a mom of two.)

Me: “I understand you are scared and when a person is pregnant their body goes through a lot of changes; consult with the doctor and I hope she will be okay.”

(I never got a call back I wonder if she still thinks we should automatically know if someone is allergic to something.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 11

Restaurant | NY, USA | Right | February 22, 2017


(I work in a southwestern-themed restaurant, and many of our recipes include similar spices, just in different amounts. Onion is one of the most prominent ingredients in our recipes, and we sometimes get a request for ‘no onion’ in certain items. We can make some things, but it’d be pretty much just lettuce, cheese, and any number of fresh chopped vegetables that aren’t onion or mixed with anything that has onion in it. As such, I get this man in line.)

Customer: “I’d like a burrito.”

Me: “Okay, would you like that with or without guacamole today?”

Customer: “With.”

(The guacamole has onion in it.)

Me: “What kind of meat on your burrito?”

Customer: “Chicken.”

(The chicken has onion in the seasoning.)

Me: “Any rice or beans?”

Customer: “Sure, I’ll take [rice with onion in it], and [beans with onion in them].”

Me: “Any grilled vegetables?”

Customer: “Ooh, no, thank you. I’m allergic to onion.”

Me: “Sir… if you’re allergic to onions then I highly suggest you don’t eat this burrito. There is a load of onion in it already.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m only allergic to onion that I can see.”

(Eight years of culinary experience, and this is the first time I’ve heard that excuse. I made him his burrito – leaving off anything with visible onion – and he went on his way. No complaints yet.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 10

Restaurant | Charleston, SC, USA | Right | September 27, 2016


(I am a cashier at a restaurant. We are a small business and the owners are still working on the perfect way to run the business. A couple walks in and orders at the counter as usual. After finding a table, the woman returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me; do you have any larger chairs? My husband is too large to fit in these.”

(I know we don’t have any, but I go in the back to ask the owner for advice anyway. I return to the counter with no real solution.)

Me: *”No, ma’am. We don’t have any larger chairs; I’m sorry for your husband’s discomfort.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks anyway.”

(She goes back to her table, visibly upset. The husband returns to fill his drink, and I notice he is wearing an adult bib. They eat all their food with seemingly no complaints. They talk for a few minutes, and then the wife returns to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m having an allergic reaction. Is the manager around?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me go grab the owner for you.”

Owner: “What’s wrong, ma’am ?”

Customer: “My throat is itchy. I’m allergic to something in your food. Could you name the ingredients for me?”

Owner: *names every ingredient in the food she and her husband has eaten*

Customer: “I’m not allergic to any of that.”

Owner: “I’m sorry, ma’am, then you didn’t have an allergic reaction here.”

Customer: *becoming more angry by the second* “I said my throat is itchy and I’m having an allergic reaction! Don’t you care at all about your customers?”

Owner: “Would you like me to call an ambulance?”

Customer: “No! I’m fine! We were just leaving!”

(She pulled her husband out the door. He seemed indifferent to her “allergic reaction.” He even waved to us on the way out.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 9

Sandwich Shop | Kent, England, UK | Right | June 24, 2016


(I work in a busy sandwich shop in a retail centre. It’s relatively quiet when a man and his two sons enter. They are regulars, but are usually rude. The father ignores us and plays with his phone while the kids order.)

Me: “And what salad would you like?”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *reels off salads* “…and onions. And [burger sauce].”

Me: *wraps his sandwich for him and hands it over before moving on*

(A few minutes after the father has paid, he storms back to the counter with Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ’s sandwich.)

Father: “There are onions in here. He cannot eat onions. He is allergic!”

Me: *worried about the allergy* “I’m so sorry! Do you need me to call emergency services?!

Father: “What? No. He’s just allergic!”

Me: *I’m confused, but relieved more than anything* “Okay, I’m very sorry! I’ll make you a new one straight away.”

(I make the new sandwich as before, and ask the boy over to tell me his salad items again.)

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *reels off his salads* “And onion.”

Me: *hesitates* “I’m sorry, but your father asked me not to add onions.”

Father: *from other side of restaurant* “NO ONIONS!”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : *sighs* “Fine. But I want the [burger sauce]!”

Me: “I’m afraid that sauce has onions—”

Father: “NO ONION!”

Me: “—is there anything else I can offer you?”

Son #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I just want the d*** [burger sauce]!”

Father: *storms up to counter* “He can have the sauce!”

Me: “The [burger sauce] contains onions so I’m not comf—”

Father: “Just give him the sauce!”

Me: *shrugs and puts the sauce on, adding extra when asked before wrapping the sandwich up*

Father: *snatches sandwich before I can bag it* “No onion! Was that so hard to understand?” *storms off again*

(They spent the rest of their meal glaring at me while I worked and left their mess all over the table, including the original sandwich they rejected. When I went to clean up, I find all of the onion had been removed from the sandwich and was nowhere to be seen.)

[florida80]

Pokémon Go To The Doctors

Finland, Medical Office, Pokemon | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(It is right around the time when Pokémon Go has come out. I take a fairly serious fall and injure my hip. When it doesn’t improve after a few days, I go to a doctor who specializes in sports injuries.)

Doctor: “How did you injure your hip?”

Me: “I fell off a stepladder.”

Doctor: “Oh, thank goodness! You’re the first patient I’ve had all week who didn’t injure themselves playing Pokémon Go.”

[florida80]

Enough To Make You Slap Your Forehead

Pharmacy, Sweden | Healthy | November 15, 2017


(I work at a pharmacy. A patient is complaining about a spray she had bought a couple of days ago.)

Patient: “It did absolutely not work! It is a nasal spray for sinusitis! Since it contains cortisone, it should work!”

Me: “How do you use it?”

(I ask, since the biggest problem with stuff like this is that you usually use maybe too little, too much, or just plain wrong. She looks at me, a little offended.)

Patient: *sounding annoyed* “Well, I use it as the description says! Two sprays once a day!”

(I think long and hard about how it couldn’t have made any difference for her.)

Patient: “Besides, it gets so messy, and it doesn’t dry quickly at all!”

Me: *can’t wrap my brains about what she meant* “Can you please explain?”

(She took out the spray with a annoyed sigh and held it up against her forehead. She had used the nasal spray on her forehead. I tried my absolute hardest not to laugh and explained as professionally as I could that the spray for sinusitis is to be sprayed in your nose, and not on your forehead.)

[florida80]

Man, What A Mistake!

The Netherlands, Vet | Healthy | November 14, 2017


(I am 18 years old and have recently moved out on my own and finally bought my very first pet, a golden hamster. I bring the hamster to the vet because I notice quite a large lump near the hind quarters and I want to check it out.)

Me: “Yes, see, the lump is quite big.”

Vet: “You mean here?”

Me: “Yes, I hope it is not serious.”

Vet: *nearly dying of laughter* “Those are his male genitals. He seems to be quite healthy.”

Me: “Oh, my god! I am so sorry! Really? The sales person at the store said she was a girl!”

Vet: “Well, it’s a healthy boy.”

Me: “I feel really stupid, but thanks!”

(Don’t worry for my hamster. He lived quite a healthy happy life until nearly three-and-a-half years old, even though he went through life named “Rose.”)

[florida80]

Ensuring The Insulin Is Insul-out

Hospital, Mississippi, USA | Healthy | November 14, 2017


(I work in the satellite pharmacy at my hospital. A triage technician is always on hand to answer calls and messages from doctors, nurses, and other pharmacists. It’s a difficult job that requires deft technicians: some of the calls they get raise issues that are difficult to resolve, and others are just plain goofy. D5W is short for a stock solution of 5% dextrose sugar in water.)

Triage Tech: *picking up the phone* “Pharmacy, how can I help you?” *pause* “No, ma’am, I don’t believe those two are compatible with each other. ” *pause* “What? No, no, I don’t actually know offhand if the drug would precipitate out or react with the D5W in any way. I could look that up for you, but in this case I really don’t think it’s necessary. ” *pause* “You’re asking me if you can add insulin to D5W” *pause* “You want to infuse your patient with both sugar and insulin at once. Just… please… don’t.”

[florida80]

Kindness In Death

England, Hospital, London, Non-Dialogue, UK | Healthy | November 14, 2017


I used to work in an oncology unit specialising in gastrointestinal cancers – the sort of thing that, by the time it got to us, all we could do was arrange for palliative treatment to make the time the patient had left longer and more comfortable. I handled phone calls from the patients and families, all of whom were obviously upset and as a result not as thoughtful as they might have been.

Sometimes, they had a right to be abrasive, though. One man whose mother needed an urgent chemotherapy booking had been left hanging for weeks, and the registrar who was supposed to be handling the booking hadn’t done anything despite the fact that her prognosis was dwindling all the time. Eventually, I got fed up; I grabbed the patient file and the documentation that he hadn’t signed yet, interrupted the consultant at lunch, stood over him until he checked and signed the document, delivered everything to the ward personally, and, apologising to the still-furious son of the patient, told him his mother had an appointment the following day.

Less than a month later, I got word that the patient in that story had died. Two days after that, reception told me that said patient’s son was on his way to my office. I was sure he was coming to berate me to my face… but when he turned up, it was with a small silk rose and a small box of chocolates. He told me that he wanted to apologise for losing his temper, and tell me how grateful he was for how hard I’d worked to see that his mother got proper care.

I am never going to forget the man who managed to be so thoughtful of someone else even with such a recent bereavement. It’s the yardstick to which I hold my behaviour to this day.

[florida80]

Getting Your Religion With Surgical Precision

Hospital, Religion, Texas, USA | Healthy | November 13, 2017


(I get a phone call from the hospital where I’ll be having outpatient surgery at in a few days. The nurse is asking me personal questions about my medical history, medicines, and gets to questions about religion. I’m atheist.)

Nurse: “Do you have any spiritual or religious objections that interfere with this surgery?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Nurse: “Do you go to church?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Nurse: *pauses* “Well, that’s okay. What religion are you?”

Me: “None.”

Nurse: “None?”

Me: “Yes, none. I’m atheist.”

Nurse: *takes long pause*

Me: “Are you there, ma’am?”

Nurse: “Do you need prayer?”

Me: “…what?”

Nurse: “Would you like prayer before the surgery?”

Me: “No…? I’m fine without prayer. But thanks.”

Nurse: “Have you ever been to church?”

Me: “Yes.”

Nurse: *long pause, then whispered* “Well, that’s okay.”

(We continued after that without any problems or weird pauses.)

[florida80]

When Patients Aren’t

Australia, Hospital, Non-Dialogue | Healthy | November 13, 2017


It’s a Friday night, and my dad has been really sick all week. It eventually gets to the point where he needs to go to the emergency room. Being a Friday night, the ER is relatively full.

Once he gets there, and speaks to the nurse, he is immediately given a wheelchair and taken straight through. The looks of disgust and just pure hatred he got from everyone in the waiting room was astonishing.

He had pneumonia, and had he arrived even an hour later, chances are he would have died.

Seriously, if someone is taken straight through at the emergency room, chances are their problems are probably worse than yours!

[florida80]

Making A Point About The Time To Appoint

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 13, 2017


(My doctor’s appointment is at two pm. The nearest bus stop is an hour from my house, so I have to catch a ride with my mom at seven am. Her work has a bus stop right next to it. By eleven am, I have finally made it to the hospital. I go to the front desk to check in.)

Me: “Hi! I know I’m early, sorry, but I can just wait.”

Nurse: *loud sigh* “I’ll see if I can have him see you earlier.”

Me: “No, it’s really fine. I ride the bus, so I’m always early because I’m afraid of being late. It’s fine. I’m sorry I’m so early.”

Nurse: “Just sit down.”

(I went to sit down and listened as she called the doctor. Even though I didn’t want her to, she fiddled with the schedule until the doctor could see me early. The vitals nurse and doctor told me how inconsiderate I was for wanting to be seen early. It is a miserable appointment.)

[florida80]

They’re Massaging The Truth

Chicago, Illinois, Massage Therapy, USA | Healthy | November 12, 2017


(Where I work the hands-on part of the massage is 50 minutes. There is a client who knows this, as I and others have told him several times, yet he always pretends to be surprised and mad about it. He has been coming in two or three times a month for over a year. It always goes something like this:)

Me: *after discussing what he wants worked on* “Okay, you can undress and start face down, I’ll be back in a couple minutes.”

Client: “A couple minutes?! Why? I’ll only be ten seconds! Don’t go anywhere.”

Me: “I need to return your file up front and wash my hands. I’ll be two minutes.”

Client: “I only need ten second to undress.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll see you in a couple minutes.” *closes door*

(Often when I’m in the break room washing my hands I can hear his voice out in the hall saying: “I’m ready! Hello? Hello?” I give him his 50 minutes hands-on massage, and end at, say, 6:55.)

Me: “Okay, thank you. I’ll go get you some water and—”

Client: “Done?! Already?”

Me: “I’m afraid so!”

Client: “Why?”

Me: “Well, that’s all of our time. I have another client at seven.”

Client: “Yes, so we have five more minutes.”
Me: “The hands on portion of our massage is 50 minutes.” *as you’ve been told several times, you idiot!*

Client: “Why?”

Me: “I’ll go get you your water and meet you in the hall.”

(He is sometimes grumpy when he meets me in the hall, or sometimes he thanks me and says he feels great. Either way, he always complains to the front desk that I ended five minutes early, and they always tell him that I did not and that he paid for a 50 minute hands-on massage!)

[florida80]

They Don’t Nose What They’re Doing

Hospital, Montana, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | November 11, 2017


In a matter of two days, what I thought was a pimple in my nostril turned into something horrific. I wake up in the middle of the night to the entire lower half of my face swollen. I have a high fever. I have no choice but to venture to the ER.

The whole time the ER nurses are questioning me, I’m feeling condescended to. They seem to think that since I’m not in a great deal of pain that the swelling can be written off as basically nothing. They give me three pills to send me on my way. The next night the swelling is worse, I’m throwing up and in a great deal of pain. I return to the ER. They “lance” my nose but hardly try to get anything out. They give me more of the same pills and Percocet. They claim the swelling will go away in 24 hours and not to worry; it’s nothing serious.

My aunt and mother grow extremely concerned. My aunt calls around and finds a nose specialist/surgeon. I talk to him on the phone. He wants to see me immediately — also, it’s his day off! My mother ends up flying in because she is so worried. She makes it just in time and goes in the room with me to see the specialist. He takes one look at me and says, “We need to perform surgery immediately.”

He essentially had to cut open my nose, drain it, and put a tube in it. He got about a cup’s worth of infection out. After the surgery, he pulls my mother aside and asks what the emergency room tried to do help me to get better. To sum it up they essentially gave me the wrong type of medicine and overlooked my condition. He tells my mother that if I waited another couple days to see him I might have died. The infection could have traveled in my blood stream to my brain and become deadly. This happens frequently due to the location of the infection, and people die from ERs overlooking it.

[florida80]

You Walked Right Into That One

Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Oklahoma, USA | Healthy | November 10, 2017


My boyfriend is away on a trip for several days. On the first day he scrapes his leg on something, but the cut isn’t deep and he doesn’t think anything about it. By the end of his trip, his leg is swollen, sore, and hot to the touch. When he gets home he can barely put weight on it, and once we get ice on it and the swelling goes down, we see that his calf muscle is knotted up, creating a huge ‘dent’ in his leg. Worried that it could be something like a blood clot, I insist on rushing him to the ER.

We get there, and my boyfriend insists on walking in, though I drop him off as close to the doors as I can, so he doesn’t have to limp too far. He almost doesn’t make it through signing all of the paperwork because standing hurts so much. We get to the back quickly, and a doctor sees us and states that they will do an ultrasound to rule out a clot. All good so far.

After the ultrasound tech leaves we wait. And wait. For about an hour.

Finally a nurse comes in and asks if we’re ready to leave. After some confused glances, we point out that we were never given a diagnosis. The nurse apologizes, saying she thought we’d already spoken to the doctor because our paperwork was up for discharge, but she’ll go get him right away.

Okaaay…

The doctor comes in, tells us it isn’t a clot, and that it must be an infection. What kind of infection is not stated (they didn’t test to find out), and she bids us goodbye after stating that there will be a prescription for antibiotics for him at our pharmacy.

Then my boyfriend tries to get up… but can’t. After an hour and a half of having his leg elevated, bringing it below waist level is incredibly painful and he can’t manage it. Note: I am 5’3″ and 170 lbs; he is 6’4″ and 260 lbs. I cannot help him out alone.

I go out into the main hall and explain the situation to the doctor, and how we need some way to get my boyfriend up and out of the ER. He says, okay, we’ll get him some pain medication. Cool. Sounds like a plan. So we wait again.

For. Another. HOUR.

Finally I venture out again and flag down a nurse. Guess what: THEY FORGOT WE WERE STILL THERE. Like, just completely forgot a patient was still in a room.

The nurse has to go flag down the doctor again, and I go back to the room. Not too long after, a new nurse comes in and hands my boyfriend a piece of paper. It’s a scrip for pain medication, to be filled at our pharmacy. So… you know… not helpful in the least with our current predicament.

We explain to the nurse the problem, and she responds, in the most condescending voice possible, ‘Well, you walked INTO the ER, so clearly you CAN walk.’

Both my boyfriend and myself are just stunned by the audacity of the statement. When he came in at triage he gave his pain as an eight. We are now telling them it has gotten worse, and the response we’re getting is basically ‘walk it off, p****.’

Attempts to reason with her are fruitless — she just repeats the same thing to us and even implies that we are being ungrateful for the better prescription for pain medicine (‘Originally, we were only prescribing you ibuprofen, but we were nice enough to write you this prescription, too’). After arguing in circles with her for a few minutes, my boyfriend builds up enough rage-adrenaline to heave himself out of bed and just grit through the pain, though he turns bright red in doing it. The nurse seems to take this as a victory and flounces off — no offer for a wheelchair or crutches, even just to get to the car.

On the way to the car we agreed that unless one of us is actively dying, we’re going to the next town over for ER care from now on.

[florida80]

Numb To Death

Hospital, Kansas, USA | Healthy | November 10, 2017


(Earlier this year I have cataract surgery on my right eye, and I am very nervous about it, never having had eye surgery before. The nurse knows this and is doing her best to keep me calm while waiting for the surgeon. Then this happens:)

Me: “Will I feel anything during surgery?”

Nurse: “Oh, no, your eye will be dead!”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “Sorry, numb! Your eye will be numb!”

(Whew.)

[florida80]

You’re A Cabron

California, Hospital, Language & Words, Orange County, USA | Healthy | November 10, 2017


(I, and two friends, go to visit a friend in the hospital. We know his room number, but it doesn’t correlate to the floor he is on, so we head back down to reception to find that out. When we get there, there are people ahead of us. One of them rips into the receptionist (who is in a security guard uniform) because they hadn’t been speaking English. At least half the population of Orange County speaks Spanish, if not natively, very fluently, like most of southern California. I offer my opinion:)

Me: “I think the basic problem here is that you’re an a**-hole.”

Man: “You think I’m an a**-hole because I think they should speak English?”

Me: “Yes. That’s why I think you’re an a**-hole.”

(He tries to offer up every racist justification in the book, and in reply to each one, I say:)

Me: “And you’re an a**-hole.”

(After about 30 seconds of being reminded just what part of the human anatomy he was, he got disgusted and left. I didn’t notice it at the time, but apparently the receptionist/security guard spent the entire time trying desperately not to laugh, and nearly succeeding. I sincerely hope she went home and told her family the story over dinner — in Spanish.)

[florida80]

Eminem Would Have Problems

Hospital, Language & Words, The Netherlands | Healthy | November 9, 2017


(I have just moved to the Netherlands, so my Dutch is not very strong and I generally hope nobody ever asks me questions. This leads to little problems, such as when becoming member of the local hospital:)

Receptionist: “Okay, that’s all set, now I just need your postal code and we’re done.”

Me: “Uh yes, it’s ‘1234AM’.”

Receptionist: “‘N’ for Nico or ‘M’ for Minnie?”

Me: “What?”

Receptionist: “The last letter. Is it an ‘N’ for Nico, or an ‘M’ for Minnie?”

Me: *slightly panicking from questions* “Right, yeah, M for Mico. That one.”

Receptionist: “…so, M for Minnie. Got it.”

[florida80]

It’s A Gay Mole-Hunt

LGBTQ, Medical Office, UK |

(I have gone to the doctor’s about a mole I am suspicious of. I have spent close to five minutes with the doctor going over what seems different about it, and showing her pictures of it before I noticed the change. I keep pictures of my moles because my mum was diagnosed earlier in life, and it has made me rather paranoid about them. The doctor has done nothing but listen, smile, and “hmm…” every now and again. She stops me mid-sentence.)

Doctor: “Are you gay?”

Me: “What?”

Doctor: “Are you gay?”

Me: “Yes. Does that have something to do with my mole?”

Doctor: “No, it’s just my family thinks my nephew might be gay, and I’m wondering if you want to help me find out.”

Me: *stunned* “No, I don’t. I want to find out whether my mole changing means I have cancer.”

Doctor: “That’s a shame. We really want to know.”

(She sits there not focusing on anything for a few seconds.)

Me: “My mole?”

Doctor: *sitting upright* “Look, will you help me or not?”

(I didn’t answer and left the room. I made a complaint before leaving and ended up signing with a new doctor. I got a letter from the old doctor apologising for her behaviour, but my mum tells me she still works there, and is still trying to find out if her nephew is gay.)

[florida80]

Your Wisdom Is Toothless

Dentist, Massachusetts, USA | Healthy | November 9, 2017


(I am visiting an oral surgeon for the first time after getting a referral from my dentist for severe jaw pain that has been an issue for years.)

Me: “My jaw clicks when I open my mouth, and it hurts a lot if I try to keep my mouth open for a long time.”

Doctor: “Okay, let’s take some X-rays.”

(We take the X-rays and the doctor comes back to me.)

Doctor: “This issue is not something that I would recommend surgery for; it won’t fix the problem. But you do have impacted wisdom teeth.”

Me: “Okay, what would you recommend for the jaw pain? And I know the top right wisdom tooth has been causing me a lot of pain as well. I was going to get a referral for that.”

Doctor: “I won’t operate on your jaw for the jaw pain. It won’t help.”

Me: “Okay, but is there anything you can recommend that might help?”

Doctor: “I won’t do surgery unless I think it will help, and in this case it won’t help.”

(Repeat me asking for something besides surgery a few more times with the same answer.)

Doctor: “Okay, I’m going to see if we can get approval from the insurance for the wisdom teeth. You should hear back from us in a few weeks to schedule an appointment.”

(Fast forward a few weeks. I get a letter in the mail saying I have been approved to have three of my wisdom teeth removed, with no mention of the fourth (the only one that was bothering me). Never went back. Why would I trust someone to do surgery on me when they are incapable of listening to anything I said?)

[florida80]

That’s The Worst Tasting Peanut Butter Ever

California, Medical Office, Sacramento, USA | Healthy | November 8, 2017


(I’m working with the nephrologist at our clinic when I read an exchange between her and a lab tech in our EMR system.)

Lab Tech: “Patient was given a jug for collecting the 24-hour urine test but was unable to fit the total volume in the jug, so she put the rest in a peanut butter jar. Please re-order test as this is an unacceptable container and will have to be re-done. We will give her two jugs.”

Nephrologist: “Test re-ordered. Hopefully no more peanut butter jars this time…”

(The 24-hour urine test comes with patient instructions that say in big bold letters not to use any container but the jugs provided, and to get another jug if needed.)

[florida80]

You’ve Got Things Back To Front

Canada, Manitoba, Pharmacy, Winnipeg | Healthy | November 8, 2017


(At our pharmacy we have cashiers who run the till when customers pick up their prescriptions. The cashiers have no pharmacy school education. A woman is picking up an antibiotic for a urinary tract infection.)

Customer: *in a loud voice* “I keep getting these urinary tract infections!”

Cashier: *awkwardly* “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Customer: *still very loud* “Do you think it’s because I wipe from back to front? They say you shouldn’t but I’ve done it all my life!”

Cashier: *trying very hard to remain professional* “Er… I really couldn’t say.”

(Meanwhile the rest of the staff are trying very hard not to laugh out loud.)

[florida80]

And Every Male Reader Just Crossed His Legs

Bookstore, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | November 8, 2017


(A lady calls into our bookstore. We are a private, Christian, non-profit organization. She wants to know about circumcision and any materials pertaining to that subject. I am confused as to why she wants it.)

Lady: “Hi, do you guys have any books on circumcision?”

Me: “Uh… no. That is mainly a Jewish practice, started in the Old Testament by Abraham and his family as a holy covenant with God.”

Lady: “That’s fascinating! Well, my nephew has just been born and the family was talking about it, and I didn’t know what it was. Every time I ask they avoid the subject with me.”

(After explaining to her what it was and why people did it, I told her that the practice today is done by a trained professional called the Mohel or by a medical professional.)

Lady: “So, it’s not as bad as it sounds! So do you think I could do it on my boyfriend? Here he is now!”

(Her boyfriend apparently walked into the room. She proceeded to check his penis to see if he was circumcised and tell me the gory details over the phone.)

Lady: “Can it be done with some scissors?”

Me: “Um… no… you would have to go to the hospital for that.”

Lady: “But you said it was not that bad!”

Me: “Yes, but if it’s not done right you can seriously hurt your boyfriend.”

Lady: “Oh. But Abraham did it with a knife!”

Me: “That was a long time ago and I’m sure he had divine intervention to help him!”

[florida80]

A Miscarriage Of Justice

Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017


(My husband and I have recently found out we’re pregnant. We’re excited but also nervous since a year before I had a traumatizing and painful miscarriage. We’re at the clinic where three weeks prior they did an ultrasound but said it was too early. But upon our return this ultrasound showed a fetus but no growth or heartbeat. We’re devastated to say the least. My husband had to step out for a few minutes. The doctor comes back in with blood test results.)

Doctor: “Your choices are to miscarry naturally or have a procedure for it to get taken out. My schedule is tight so we may need to try naturally first.”

Me: “Isn’t it… dangerous for me to try naturally, given my history?”

Doctor: *heavy sigh* “All right, we’ll schedule you for next week when I have an opening. [Nurse] will give you a packet of the information. You’ll be put under so as usual, no food or drink after midnight and no alcohol or recreational drugs 48 hours before. So for the next few days PARTAY IT UP! It’ll probably make you feel better.”

(He then puts his hand on my leg, which I’ve made clear I can’t stand people touching me.)

Me: *trying to keep from bawling* “You are a psychopath. Come near me and I will take your stethoscope and shove it so far up your a** you can hear your own heartbeat, if you have one. I’m going to go find a real doctor.”

(I ran out of there as fast as I could, found my now confused, then angry, husband, and left. I spent an hour in the car crying my eyes out, which might have been eased had I a doctor with empathy. I later found a different doctor that handled the situation properly and discovered the first doctor’s practice was eventually shut down due to fraud and malpractice. Good riddance.)

[florida80]

Idiot Number One

Medical Office, Tennessee, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017


(I’m a nurse and am bringing a patient back to do blood pressure, temperature, and a urine check before they see the doctor.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, this is going to be your room, but do you feel as if you could pee in a cup for me real quick?”

Patient: “No, not right now.”

Me: “That all right! I’ll be right back with my blood pressure cuff to check your blood pressure, okay? We can get you some water to drink after that.”

Patient: “Okay, but I really need to pee, and do you need me to save any of it to check for infection?”

[florida80]

Inject A Little Compassion

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017


(My 12-year-old friend has many physical health problems, so she has to be at the hospital a lot. She has had many surgeries and medical procedures, and therefore has built up a bit of pain tolerance as well as being able to go for longer periods of time without food. My friend and her mom get onto the elevator. My friend has eaten nothing for over a day; she is very tired, and we all had a long day at school with lots of work and homework. Before the operation, she has to take a medication. She has a fear of needles, so she always takes medication via pill when she can. This takes longer, as the pill needs longer to work, but they are scheduled accordingly.)

Doctor: “Let me get the shot.”

Friend’s Mom: “Actually, she request—”

Doctor: “Ugh, she doesn’t need to do that. She’s not a little kid!”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Actually, they requested the pill, because [Friend] has anxiety and we don’t want her to have a panic attack before surgery.”

Doctor: “She needs to stop being a special snowflake and grow up!”

Friend: “I was diagnosed by Dr. [Name] seven years ago. Do you think I want panic attacks?”

Doctor: “Fine.”

(The doctor goes to get the medication. My friend’s mom and the nurse leave the room. Suddenly the doctor rushes out and sticks her with the needle.)

Friend: *is taken by surprise and tenses up, making the shot hurt more, and starts to have a panic attack*

Friend’s Mom & Nurses: “What’s going on?!”

([Nurses #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) and #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] rush to help [Friend].)

Friend’s Mom: “What the f*** are you doing?!”

Doctor: “She’s just a stupid kid! You don’t know anything about medicine anyway!”

Friend’s Mom: “I’m a nurse! I WORK here!”

(They did the surgery, and it turned out the pain medication didn’t work too well because the doctor injected it wrong.)

[florida80]

Juiced Up On Idiocy

Elizabeth, Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m a nurse working on a medical-surgical floor. One night, I am assigned to a certain patient who is known to be extremely difficult, and honestly, a bit of an idiot. He is very uncooperative, and won’t even let us put an IV in him. He has a mess of medical problems, particularly uncontrolled diabetes. We check all diabetics’ blood sugar levels throughout the day in order to control their levels with insulin shots.)

Me: “Good morning. I have to check your blood sugar.”

Patient: “Whatever.”

(I check the level and it’s shockingly low. A normal blood sugar level is 60 – 120. His is 40.)

Me: “Sir, your sugar is very low. Let me get you some juice to boost it up.”

Patient: “I can’t drink juice. I’m diabetic.”

Me: “Yes, but in this case, juice will help boost your sugar quickly. We don’t want it to drop any lower. Lemme get you orange juice, okay?”

Patient: “Fine.”

Me: *comes back later with a cup of OJ* “Here.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you that you need to take some juice for your sugar.”

Patient: “I don’t like OJ.”

Me: *a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me so in the first place* “All right. What will you take?”

Patient: *after a few minutes thinking* “I want apple juice.”

Me: “Fine.” *leaves and comes back with apple juice* “Here. Drink this.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: *at this point, I’m in complete disbelief* “Sir, you just told me you would drink if I got you apple juice instead of OJ!”

Patient: “I’m diabetic. I can’t drink juice.”

Me: “But your sugar is low and we really need to boost it up. It’s dangerous to have low blood sugar.”

Patient: *getting angry* “You can’t force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Don’t try to trick me into taking that juice! I don’t even like apple juice!”

(At this point, I’m about ready to throw the juice in his face. I leave the room just as the doctor passes by with some surgical students, asking what’s up. I explain the situation to the doctor.)

Doctor: “Let us talk to him.” *takes the juice from me and walks in with the students*

(I leave to take care of another patient. Five minutes later, I return to see the students coming out of the room one by one, all of them shaking their heads and chuckling. Finally the doctor comes out and I ask him if he took the juice.)

Doctor: *shakes his head* “That man is an absolute idiot. Just make sure he gets breakfast. If he passes out, let us know

[florida80]

Juiced Up On Idiocy

Elizabeth, Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m a nurse working on a medical-surgical floor. One night, I am assigned to a certain patient who is known to be extremely difficult, and honestly, a bit of an idiot. He is very uncooperative, and won’t even let us put an IV in him. He has a mess of medical problems, particularly uncontrolled diabetes. We check all diabetics’ blood sugar levels throughout the day in order to control their levels with insulin shots.)

Me: “Good morning. I have to check your blood sugar.”

Patient: “Whatever.”

(I check the level and it’s shockingly low. A normal blood sugar level is 60 – 120. His is 40.)

Me: “Sir, your sugar is very low. Let me get you some juice to boost it up.”

Patient: “I can’t drink juice. I’m diabetic.”

Me: “Yes, but in this case, juice will help boost your sugar quickly. We don’t want it to drop any lower. Lemme get you orange juice, okay?”

Patient: “Fine.”

Me: *comes back later with a cup of OJ* “Here.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you that you need to take some juice for your sugar.”

Patient: “I don’t like OJ.”

Me: *a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me so in the first place* “All right. What will you take?”

Patient: *after a few minutes thinking* “I want apple juice.”

Me: “Fine.” *leaves and comes back with apple juice* “Here. Drink this.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: *at this point, I’m in complete disbelief* “Sir, you just told me you would drink if I got you apple juice instead of OJ!”

Patient: “I’m diabetic. I can’t drink juice.”

Me: “But your sugar is low and we really need to boost it up. It’s dangerous to have low blood sugar.”

Patient: *getting angry* “You can’t force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Don’t try to trick me into taking that juice! I don’t even like apple juice!”

(At this point, I’m about ready to throw the juice in his face. I leave the room just as the doctor passes by with some surgical students, asking what’s up. I explain the situation to the doctor.)

Doctor: “Let us talk to him.” *takes the juice from me and walks in with the students*

(I leave to take care of another patient. Five minutes later, I return to see the students coming out of the room one by one, all of them shaking their heads and chuckling. Finally the doctor comes out and I ask him if he took the juice.)

Doctor: *shakes his head* “That man is an absolute idiot. Just make sure he gets breakfast. If he passes out, let us know

[florida80]

A Cereal Snacker

Elizabeth, Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m a hospital nurse. In my experience, some patients tend to see the hospital as some sort of medical hotel, where they’re allowed to ask for whatever they like whenever they like just because they’re sick.)

Patient: *at two in the morning, at the other end of the unit* “HEY! HEY! SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT!”

Me: *coming in, resisting the urge to smack him for waking up the d*** unit instead of just using his call bell* “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

Patient: “I want cereal.”

Me: *utter disbelief* “Sir, it’s two in the morning. We don’t have any cereal.”

Patient: “Then go to the kitchen and get me some cereal.”

Me: “The kitchen is closed and won’t open until morning. You’ll have to wait until breakfast.”

Patient: “But I’m hungry now!”

(Keep in mind that this patient has a history of uncontrolled diabetes and has even lost a foot. He usually keeps a stash of food in his room against our advice, and his blood sugar is always extremely high due to snacking and refusing medications. We always try to limit his snacks to better control his sugar.)

Me: “Sir, you already had your dinner and your snack for tonight. You need to wait until morning. We don’t have any more snacks for you.”

Patient: “This is the worst hospital ever. First you try to poison me with your whacked drugs and then you wanna starve me all night long? Why can’t you give me any cereal?”

Me: *already past my limit and trying to keep an even tone* “Because this is a hospital, not a hotel. I’m not your maid; I’m your nurse. I’m not here to enable your bad habits and give you whatever you want just because you want it. I’m here to help you maintain your health. But you’ve been uncooperative, rude, and downright disrespectful. You don’t like how things are here? You have the right to refuse. And you have the right to leave. But you can guarantee that you will be back. And you keep heading down this path, you can also bet that you’re gonna have more problems, too.”

Patient: “…”

Me: “…”

Patient: “…I’ll go to sleep and wait for breakfast, then.”

[florida80]

Pink Eye To Your Red Face

British Columbia, Canada, College & University, Kelowna, Medical Office | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m in my second year of university, working part time and in full courses for science with labs. I don’t exactly have free time at convenient hours, so I decide to go to the doctor on campus to confirm my suspicion. They ask me to fill out a form covering the basics, including pregnancy, STDs, allergies, and a list of symptoms. I make it quite clear what my issue is.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name]. How are you feeling?”

Me: “Not bad.”

Doctor: “Do you need a pregnancy test?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Doctor: “Well, we can screen for STDs. It will take about a week to get results back.”

Me: “That’s… that’s not what I came in for.”

Doctor: “Oh.” *looks at chart* “Why are you here, then?”

Me: *points to my swollen closed eye and slightly swollen face* “I think I have pink eye?”

(I don’t really know how he missed it, but he wrote me the prescription for antibiotics and I went on my way

[florida80]

The Situation Is Agonizingly Fluid

Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | November 5, 2017


I had some issues with ovarian cysts when I was in high school, so I had to go in for a pelvic ultrasound. In the instructions we received prior the appointment I was told I needed to drink 32 oz of water before coming in so that my bladder would be full, which helps them to get better images. Now, I was 15 and very skinny. I had just gone through a growth spurt and at 5’5″ I weighed in around 100 pounds. I drank the water and immediately had to pee; I looked down, my pelvic area was bulging already. This was 10 minutes after I drank the water, right as we were leaving, and it was a 30 minute drive to the office.

Needless to say, that drive, through a bumpy, uneven construction site, was miserable. I was in such physical pain by the time we got to the doctor that I was in tears sitting in the waiting room. When I finally got called back to the ultrasound room and I lay down on the table, the ultrasound tech gave my visibly full bladder, by this point halfway to a pregnant belly, a bit of a side eye, but continued with her explanation of the procedure. I heard none of this, as all of my energy and focus were tied up in not urinating all over that table.

She begins the ultrasound, poking at the watery skin ball that is my pelvis, until after a few moments she stops. She can’t see anything. There’s too much liquid.

I ask her what to do and she tells me that I need to go to the bathroom (which was luckily adjacent to the exam room) and “pee a little, then stop” so that there would be a good amount of liquid for her. By this point, I have been in intense physical pain because of this full bladder for roughly an hour, so these instructions felt more than a little impossible. But, being a determined kid, I went in there and against all odds, I did it. So the rest of the ultrasound goes off without a hitch, and afterward I am finally able to fully relax my bladder for the first time that day.

As I was getting ready to leave, the technician asked me how much water I had been instructed to drink, and was appalled when I told her 32 oz. She went off about how they should’ve looked at my chart to see my height and weight because they would’ve been able to tell just from that that the amount should’ve been lower, and it was lucky that I was able to control my bladder so well; otherwise, the whole appointment would’ve been a waste.

A few days later my mom gets a call from the doctor’s office and guess what? Turns out the whole appointment was, in fact, a waste, since the notes were wrong in my file and the ultrasound tech performed an abdominal ultrasound instead of a pelvic one. I was less than pleased.

At least I knew not to drink so much water for the next one.

[florida80]

A Significant Shift In Moods

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 4, 2017


(I work night shift in a hospital lab. On night shift, there are three working at a time with my same job title, which is the highest level of certification in the department, other than our medical director. In all, there are six night shifters with that certification for the entire fairly large specialty hospital, and if we can’t work, we figure it out with one of the three who are off. One night, due to family emergencies, sickness, and a coworker who “wasn’t in the mood to come to work today” (they were fired weeks later), I and one other end up working a night shift. I am filling in unexpectedly, and have just gotten off a flight that morning and haven’t slept in thirty hours by the time morning comes. The other coworker has a fever of 103; we make the executive decision that I’ll do anything requiring patient contact and if his fever goes above 104, we’ll call the ER downstairs. It also turns out to be what we call a “must be a full moon” night. By morning, we’re both almost crying from sheer exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and misery. Come morning, there is an employee appreciation breakfast.)

Day Shifter: “How was the night?”

Me: “I haven’t slept in thirty hours, [Coworker] has a fever of 103, four analyzers broke, the ICU is literally out of beds, they’re tripling up patients into the double rooms in MedSurg, and the ER is using the hallway as overflow for the waiting room.”

Day Shifter: “Well, we were wondering if you two could stay maybe an hour late so all the day shift could go to the breakfast?”

(We told them no way. They weren’t happy. At that point, we didn’t care.)

[florida80]

NovoPAIN!

Arkansas, Dentist, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(I am having a filling in my tooth replaced with a new material.)

Me: “So, doctor, I’ve had problems in the past with Novocain not really working with the standard dose. I may need a slightly larger dose to fully numb the area up.”

Dentist: “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

(I do worry, but I decide maybe he’s using something a little stronger than I’ve been given before. He begins to drill out the current filling and I jump, because I can clearly feel the vibrations, when I know I shouldn’t.)

Me: “No, stop! It’s not numbed!”

Dentist: “No, that’s normal. Don’t worry.”

(He continues to drill, and I can FEEL IT. I squirm and yell and try to smack his arm with my free hand, but he just tells me to be still. He continues on, and for a brief moment, the pain is so intense, everything looks silver. So, I do the only thing I know that will stop him at this point. I bite him, which tears his latex glove.)

Dentist: “What was that for?!”

Me: “PAIN IS F****** SILVER!”

(In the end, I got my larger dose of Novocain to fully numb the area, and a note in my file that I need at least a dose and a half.)

[florida80]

A Needling Suspicion You Did That Wrong

Blood Donation, New Hampshire, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(I am donating blood at a traveling clinic that has come to my college. I have a rather intense needle phobia and like to use donating blood as a way to get over this fear just as much as an opportunity to help others. However, when the needle is in me I become visibly tense and my breathing quickens. Sometimes the nurses worry that I am going to pass out or go into shock, so I always warn them about my fear, assure them that I will NOT pass out, that I’m just anxious, and ask them to count to three before they stick me, which reduces my anxiety. They are usually very understanding of this request.)

Nurse: “Okay, we’re all set now. You’re just going to feel a pinch and a sting.”

Me: “Can you please count before you do it?”

Nurse: *legitimately confused about this request* “Count? Why?”

Me: “I have a bit of a needle phobia. I’m not going to pass out; I just don’t want to be surprised by the needle.”

Nurse: *still with a confused expression* “Okay…”

(She then proceeds to count to three as fast as she can… WHILE she is already sticking me with the needle. Lo and behold, I panic, push myself several inches up in the chair, and feel tears begin to stream from my eyes involuntarily.)

Nurse: “Oh! Well, I didn’t know you were gonna jump up in your chair like that!”

(She leaves to tend to other donors. I begin to calm down, but tears are still streaming down my face as a result of the unpleasant surprise.)

Nurse: *coming back to check on me, notices my face* “Is… is something sad going on in your life right now?”

Me: “Nothing other than the nightmares I’m gonna have

[florida80]

A Basin To Stick Your Face In

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(My nurse has just finished filling a basin so that I can take a sponge bath. I sit up to use it, and immediately throw up in the basin. First words out of her mouth:)

Nurse: “I’m so glad that basin was there.”

(If I wasn’t busy with sudden nausea I’d have laughed myself sick!)

[florida80]

A Basin To Stick Your Face In

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(My nurse has just finished filling a basin so that I can take a sponge bath. I sit up to use it, and immediately throw up in the basin. First words out of her mouth:)

Nurse: “I’m so glad that basin was there.”

(If I wasn’t busy with sudden nausea I’d have laughed myself sick!)

[florida80]

Maybe Dying Doesn’t Seem So Bad

Clinic, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2017

[florida80]

Clinic: “You have reached [Clinic]. We are open from [time] to [time]. If it’s an emergency, go to the hospital in [City a little over an hour away]. If you cannot make it to that hospital, go to the hospital in [Smaller City around 40 minutes away]. ONLY IF YOU WILL NOT LIVE to get to that hospital should you go to the local hospital. In that case, good luck… Please leave a message after the beep.”

(The unfortunate thing is they are quite right. While the staff seem nice enough, they have so little practice that they really aren’t any good. I got a small gash in my knee once, and needed stitches. Somehow the remaining scar is now double the size of the original gash. Since then I’ve always made a point to go to a different hospital if I need medical care.)

[florida80]

A Meat Coochie Would Have Just Been Too Much
(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

[florida80]

A Surgeon Seriously Lacking In Wisdom

Connecticut, Dentist, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2017


(I was born with what is called lateral incisors anodontia, which means I am missing lateral incisors, the teeth in my upper jaw on either side of my front teeth. It’s all over my dental records and quite clear from X-rays or just looking inside my mouth that thing’s aren’t quite normal.)

Oral Surgeon: *looking at an X-ray* “The lower wisdom teeth are impacted, so they definitely have to come out. I see the uppers have come through, but we should take those out as well.”

Me: “Are you sure the uppers need to come out? I was born without lateral incisors, so the wisdom teeth came in fine are far enough forward to meet the lower molars.”

Oral Surgeon: *looks in my mouth for a few seconds* “Yes, they still need to come out.”

Me: “Okay, fine. How much will this cost?”

Oral Surgeon: “Extracting the impacted teeth is covered by your insurance, but it will cost $300 to extract the other two.”

(My family and I are royally ticked off about the out of pocket cost, but don’t see any way to avoid it. We decide to pay for the extraction up front and return in a week for the surgery. I choose not to get put under so I am (thankfully) awake and aware when, after the oral surgeon injects Novocaine into the root of an upper wisdom tooth and starts to grip it with a tool, this happens.)

Oral Surgeon: “What the h***? What the f*** is going on here?”

Nurse: “What is it?”

Oral Surgeon: “Are there missing teeth?”

Nurse: “Let me count.”

Me: *through the tools and the drugs* “Yes.” *I reach up and tap where my lateral incisors would be* “These.”

(The nurse and oral surgeon walk a way for a moment to talk. When they come back:)

Oral Surgeon: “It looks like you are missing your lateral incisors. Your wisdom teeth are far enough forward that they meet your lower molars. There is clear wear on them so you’re obviously using them when you chew. Since they are being used, would you prefer to keep them in?”

Me: “Yes! I told you all this during the consultation.”

(On the plus side I got to keep two wisdom teeth. On the down side, we still had to deal with this office for over a month, since they were very reluctant to give back the money we paid for extractions that never happened despite telling us immediately after surgery that everything would be refunded in full!)

[florida80]

Your Plan Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On

Florida, Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(My aunt is pregnant with my cousin after years of miscarriages and a stillbirth. She’s at one of her ultrasounds when the doctor notices something weird.)

Doctor: “I think your baby is malformed.”

Aunt: “What are you talking about?”

Doctor: “I mean she isn’t developing properly. She might be born disfigured.”

Aunt: “How bad are we talking? She’s not going to die, is she?”

Doctor: “I can’t tell for certain, but it looks like she’s missing a leg.”

Aunt: “What?! What do you mean my baby is missing a leg?!”

Doctor: “I mean unless it’s hidden somewhere, it’s gone.”

(Over the next few weeks the doctor subtly implied over and over again that she should terminate the pregnancy due to the malformation. She ended up switching doctors when he got fed up and straight up told her to terminate because apparently allowing a child to exist with a deformity was akin to abuse. When she gave birth, my cousin indeed only had one leg. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic at a very young age and is now 23, athletic, and happy, and you wouldn’t know she only had one leg if she didn’t show you her prosthetic. We’re all still horrified that the doctor thought terminating her in the name of “protecting” her was the only course of action, especially after my aunt and uncle had suffered so many previous losses.)

[florida80]

When Collecting Becomes A Disease

Canada, Hospital, Ontario | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)

Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”

Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”

[florida80]

Hard To Swallow That He Doesn’t Realize

Medical Office, New York, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I am getting X-rays done because I’m going to have a procedure done soon. Beforehand they make you drink this thick gooey liquid that supposedly makes it easier to take the X-rays. Before the doctor comes in, the nurse is asking me some preliminary questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(Being as immature as I am, I have to try really hard to contain my laughter in order to answer no. Then the doctor comes in:)

Doctor: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(I try really hard not to laugh and say no.)

Doctor: “Are you sure? I’m gonna give you this thick liquid to swallow; it’s gonna feel a little slimy as it goes down your throat.”

(I can’t help it and crack up.)

Doctor: “Oooookay, I guess I’m going to have to describe this a different way. You’re the fifth person today that laughs when I explain this process, and that’s not even including the new nurse in training.”

[florida80]

The Workforce Is Strong With This One

Drug Store, Pharmacy | Michigan, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(We have a giant inflatable ghost on display for Halloween. It doesn’t quite sit right and tends to lean to the side, so we frequently adjust it.)

Coworker: “[My name]! The ghost is falling again.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We spend about five minutes fiddling with it, until we get it to sit up right.)

Coworker: “Oh, no. His ascot got flipped backwards.”

(We proceed to grab boxes and stick-like things, trying to flip the ascot back around to no avail.)

Me: “OH! I’ve got it!”

(I run away with no explanation and return with a toy extendable lightsaber. I make the “vwing” noise and I flick it and extend the lightsaber. I succeed in straightening the ghost’s tie on the first attempt.)

Coworker: “…You just fixed the ascot of an inflatable ghost with a lightsaber.”

Me: “I love this job.”



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[florida80]

Your Plan Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On

Florida, Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(My aunt is pregnant with my cousin after years of miscarriages and a stillbirth. She’s at one of her ultrasounds when the doctor notices something weird.)

Doctor: “I think your baby is malformed.”

Aunt: “What are you talking about?”

Doctor: “I mean she isn’t developing properly. She might be born disfigured.”

Aunt: “How bad are we talking? She’s not going to die, is she?”

Doctor: “I can’t tell for certain, but it looks like she’s missing a leg.”

Aunt: “What?! What do you mean my baby is missing a leg?!”

Doctor: “I mean unless it’s hidden somewhere, it’s gone.”

(Over the next few weeks the doctor subtly implied over and over again that she should terminate the pregnancy due to the malformation. She ended up switching doctors when he got fed up and straight up told her to terminate because apparently allowing a child to exist with a deformity was akin to abuse. When she gave birth, my cousin indeed only had one leg. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic at a very young age and is now 23, athletic, and happy, and you wouldn’t know she only had one leg if she didn’t show you her prosthetic. We’re all still horrified that the doctor thought terminating her in the name of “protecting” her was the only course of action, especially after my aunt and uncle had suffered so many previous losses.)

[florida80]

When Collecting Becomes A Disease

Canada, Hospital, Ontario | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)

Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”

Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”

[florida80]

When Collecting Becomes A Disease

Canada, Hospital, Ontario | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)

Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”

Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”

[florida80]

Hard To Swallow That He Doesn’t Realize

Medical Office, New York, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I am getting X-rays done because I’m going to have a procedure done soon. Beforehand they make you drink this thick gooey liquid that supposedly makes it easier to take the X-rays. Before the doctor comes in, the nurse is asking me some preliminary questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(Being as immature as I am, I have to try really hard to contain my laughter in order to answer no. Then the doctor comes in:)

Doctor: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(I try really hard not to laugh and say no.)

Doctor: “Are you sure? I’m gonna give you this thick liquid to swallow; it’s gonna feel a little slimy as it goes down your throat.”

(I can’t help it and crack up.)

Doctor: “Oooookay, I guess I’m going to have to describe this a different way. You’re the fifth person today that laughs when I explain this process, and that’s not even including the new nurse in training.”

[florida80]

Hard To Swallow That He Doesn’t Realize

Medical Office, New York, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I am getting X-rays done because I’m going to have a procedure done soon. Beforehand they make you drink this thick gooey liquid that supposedly makes it easier to take the X-rays. Before the doctor comes in, the nurse is asking me some preliminary questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(Being as immature as I am, I have to try really hard to contain my laughter in order to answer no. Then the doctor comes in:)

Doctor: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(I try really hard not to laugh and say no.)

Doctor: “Are you sure? I’m gonna give you this thick liquid to swallow; it’s gonna feel a little slimy as it goes down your throat.”

(I can’t help it and crack up.)

Doctor: “Oooookay, I guess I’m going to have to describe this a different way. You’re the fifth person today that laughs when I explain this process, and that’s not even including the new nurse in training.”

[florida80]

The Workforce Is Strong With This One

Drug Store, Pharmacy | Michigan, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(We have a giant inflatable ghost on display for Halloween. It doesn’t quite sit right and tends to lean to the side, so we frequently adjust it.)

Coworker: “[My name]! The ghost is falling again.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We spend about five minutes fiddling with it, until we get it to sit up right.)

Coworker: “Oh, no. His ascot got flipped backwards.”

(We proceed to grab boxes and stick-like things, trying to flip the ascot back around to no avail.)

Me: “OH! I’ve got it!”

(I run away with no explanation and return with a toy extendable lightsaber. I make the “vwing” noise and I flick it and extend the lightsaber. I succeed in straightening the ghost’s tie on the first attempt.)

Coworker: “…You just fixed the ascot of an inflatable ghost with a lightsaber.”

Me: “I love this job.”

[florida80]

He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth

Hospital | CA, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor, to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)

Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”

Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”

Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”

Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”

Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”

(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)

Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”

Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”

(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)

Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”

[florida80]

The Trouble With Trekkies

Clinic | San Francisco, CA, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

[florida80]

How To Expline This To You

Australia, Hospital, Language & Words | Healthy | October 30, 2017


(Making bookings for patients is very easy. All I need is name, phone, modality, body part, and doctor name. I’ve been on the phone for a few minutes, the patient telling me a rather detailed explanation why she needs a scan of her back, yet not telling me anything I need to know. I’m polite, don’t interrupt, but I am spending too much time on this call and my coworker needs help with patients lined up.)

Me: “Okay. That doesn’t sound good. Did your doctor want an x-ray, ultrasound, or CT?”

Patient: “Scan of my back. My back.”

Me: “On your form your doctor gave you, did they write X.R., C.T. or U.S. anywhere?”

anguMe: “The paper the doctor gave you. Can you read it to me?”

Patient: “I have a paper. It says nothing.”

Me: *still very polite* “It doesn’t have your name on it? Not the doctor’s name and signature?”

Patient: “Yes. My name is [Patient].”

Me: *I can’t take it down until I know what they need and what room to start in, so I make a mental note for later* “Okay. Now the paper has nothing on it?” *I know it’s repetitive, but I have to confirm for what I have to say next if it’s true*

Patient: “Nothing. There’s nothing!”

Me: “Okay. So that means it’s invalid. You’d need to go to the doctors and get him to write you a referral.”

Patient: “It’s here!” *she’s now livid* ‘No! No. No. It says here!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “It says X.R. spline—” *yes, s.p.l.i.n.e.* “—Lubosac; my back!”

(I gathered it was an x-ray lumbosacral spine, but don’t you just love how information materialises?)

[florida80]

Radiating Pure Incompetence

Health & Body, Office, Text/Chat/Email, UK | Healthy | October 30, 2017


(I work for the safety department overseeing several sites that my company is working on. I mainly focus on radiation exposure. We receive daily reports of exposure for all men working in radioactive areas with personal dosimeters that record in real time. Each site has one person who collates the information before passing it on. One site has recently had to employ a new person. He has sent the information through and I notice a problem. I reply to his email.)

Me: “[Person], is this information correct?”

Person: “Yes. It is correct.”

Me: “Okay. I thought I would check as many of your workers have far exceeded the legal limit in just one day. Has there been an incident?”

Person: “No. No incident. The information is correct. I have checked with dosimetry on site, and they confirm.”

(I don’t believe him, so I email the safety manager on site just to double check, but he doesn’t respond. I decide to pry further.)

Me: “[Person], can I assume that the workers have been sent home with pay? I will need to report this.”

Person: “No. They’re still working. I won’t be able to reach them until they finish.”

Me: “Well, you’re going to have to. They have far exceeded the legal limit for a year’s worth of exposure. As per policy, this will have to be reported and they will need to be monitored. Can you please check with [Safety Manager]?”

Person: “It’s just one Sievert! And no, [Safety Manager] is in a meeting.”

Me: “[Person], a Sievert is a large dose. We work in micro and millisieverts. Are you absolutely certain this information is correct?”

Person: “The information IS correct. That is the end of it!”

(I was even less convinced and spoke to my manager. He contacted the site manager and it was decided that the workers be sent home and everyone pulled off until the matter was resolved. It turned out no one there thought it necessary to train the new person, despite him having no experience with ionising radiation. The workers were only exposed to a few microseiverts and they were allowed to return to work. This incident reflected so badly on us it risked our contract with the site, and the manager, safety manager, and the new person were relocated. I got landed with the new person, and he’s made it his life goal to make my life miserable, as payment for his and his managers’ mistake.)

[florida80]

Healthy Roundup: Why Nurses Should Rule The World

Announcements | Healthy | October 30, 2017




To celebrate our new Healthy section, we thought we should celebrate the hardest-working heroes of healthcare: nurses! Take a seat, relax, and pray that if you ever get sick, you get treated by one of these.

Why Nurses Should Rule The World:

Part One – Because as a nurse, your smallest patients are also your biggest.

Part Two – See what happens when a “doctor” tries to outsmart a nurse.

Part Three – Nurses work super hard to become nurses so that they can work even harder.

Part Four – A nurse is never off the clock.

Part Five – Don’t mess with a nurse who is also a mother.

Part Six – A good nurse never says “not my department, not my problem.”

Part Seven – Doctors diagnose. Nurses translate.

Part Eight – A nurse’s job extends far beyond the hospital.

Part Nine – Retirement? For a nurse? Bah!

Part Ten – See what happens when you hitch a ride from a registered nurse.

Part Eleven – God bless nurses!

Part Twelve – See what happens when a nurse sticks it to the doctor.

Do you know any nurses that would appreciate these stories? Or know any other stories that prove why nurses should rule the world? Let us know in the comments!

[florida80]

A Disheartening Way To Treat The Issue

Australia, Car, Health & Body, New South Wales, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | October 30, 2017


(I have a day off so I wasn’t planning on doing much other than sleeping in. At about 9:30 am I get a call from my dad.)

Dad: “Hey, sweetie, are you doing anything at the moment?”

Me: *lying in bed* “No, not anything important. Whats up?”

Dad: “The coolant hose has come loose on the car again. Could I get you to come pick me up to get some more coolant?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, no problem.”

(I go and get him, chatting about inconsequential things, asking about each others’ weekends. We get the coolant and we are heading back to his car. This happens about half an hour after I pick him up.)

Dad: “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great this morning… About an hour ago I started getting chest pain and was thinking I should go to the hospital, but I’m feeling okay now so maybe I should just go home.”

Me: *being sceptical in my head* “Nah, if you were worried, Dad, I’d go up there. I will go with you if you’d like. I’ll stay with you. It can get kinda boring up there by yourself.”

Dad: “Oh, well, only if you’re not doing anything. It might be a good idea.”

Me: “Sure thing; it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

Dad: “Only if you’re sure you’re not doing anything

Me: “I’m sure; I will meet you up there.”

(I follow him up only to find a parking space at the bottom of the hill, so we walk up to the top and get admitted into ED. Long story short, Dad had had a minor heart attack, three in fact, the last one as we were walking up the hill, and he just wanted to go home. I spent five hours with him, him asking me not to tell any family members because he didn’t want to stress them out. Mum nearly had a heart attack herself when she found out, mainly because he waited five hours to tell her! Please, please, people — get it checked out sooner rather than later!)

[florida80]

Drugs Make You Quackers

Chicago, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 29, 2017


(My mom is a nurse practitioner at a health clinic primarily for homeless people. Naturally she has some interesting exchanges with her patients. Her favorite one to tell is about a patient who had come in for the first time, and she was asking all the preliminary questions.)

Mom: “Do you have any allergies?”

Patient: “I’m allergic to penicillin.”

Mom: “What sort of reaction do you have when you take it?”

Patient: “It makes me talk like Donald Duck.”

(After trying to hold in laughter, my mom had to explain to him that while his “reaction” was more of a mild mutation, it was not considered a harmful allergy. It’s her favorite story to tell next to the woman who referred to the lice on her head as “movable dandruff.”)

[florida80]

BerEFT Of Paying

Australia, Hospital, Reception | Healthy | October 28, 2017


(At the end of a visit patients return to the front desk to settle accounts. Our EFT Machine likes to be difficult sometimes so I do as much as I can on it so the patient doesn’t get confused.)

Me: “Okay, was that cheque, savings, or credit?”

Patient: “Credit.”

(I select credit and put the EFT Machine in front of them.)

Me: “Pin, please.”

(I look away. After hearing only four beeps, each button pressed beeps — four for the pin and one for enter — I go ahead and visually see only three buttons of the pin were entered. I press the yellow button once to erase it.)

Me: “Pin again, please. The buttons tend to stick.”

(Again I hear only four beeps and visually check. I repeat pressing the yellow button once.)

Me: “Once more, please. Really press down.”

(I hear four beeps again, but before I can press the yellow button the patient notices and presses it three times quickly. The machine makes an error beep and a big cross comes on the screen that cancels the payment.)

Me: “Okay. We only need to press that once. Let’s start again.”

(Little things like this that tend to be unnecessary mistakes and use more time than it should. Another example:)

Me: “Was that cheque, savings, or credit?”

(I notice on the screen it says debit, but debit and credit can be selected as the same thing. Debit cards are used in place of credit cards when ordering online and such. The patient looks at me wide-eyed.)

Patient: “I don’t have credit!”

(They panic faster than I can explain. It was a slip of the tongue, habitual, and not really a fuss.)

Patient: “Don’t put it on credit! It’s not credit!”

(I internally sighed.)

[florida80]

Their Lack Of Professionalism Is An Eye-Sore

Health Insurance, Medical Office, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2017


(My eye insurance changes when I got a new job, so I need to find a new doctor for my contacts exam. I choose one in the same building as my previous job at a pharmacy, as I’ve met [Doctor], who is a really nice guy, and call to make an appointment.)

Me: “Hi, before I make an appointment, I want to confirm that you take my insurance?”

Receptionist: “Oh, the plan offered by the local hospital? Of course we do.”

(I’m scheduled for the next open appointment, three months away. Fast forward to the day of the appointment. She copies my insurance cards, and I wait for my exam.)

Nurse: “[My Name]. Good afternoon, the doctor will be in to see you shortly.”

(In walks a short, bald, bearded man, not the tall, thin, bespectacled fellow I knew from the pharmacy, but I figure perhaps [Doctor] has expanded his practice or has a fill-in today. He proceeds to do my exam and tells me my script will be up front, no niceties, no introduction.)

Me: “Thank you! And I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.” *primarily so I know not to schedule an appointment with him again*

Doctor: “[Doctor], of course!”

Me: “Oh, I apologize. I mistook the taller gentleman with glasses for you.”

Doctor: “He’s just the optician.”

(Cue the end of the awkwardness, and I go up front to pay my copay and get my script.)

Receptionist: “That will be [amount nearly $300].”

Me: “What? Shouldn’t it be $50 with my insurance and deductible?”

Receptionist: “Oh, we only take your insurance for eye emergencies.”

Me: *pays with mouth agape*

(She knew they only took my insurance for emergencies and scheduled me for an obviously non-emergent appointment. Then she copied my cards, again not pointing out that it wouldn’t cover my visit. And the doctor was an unfriendly, cold fellow to boot. Needless to say I never went back, even though my insurance has now changed to something they universally accept.)

[florida80]

A Labor-Intensive Work Environment

Colorado, Fast Food, Health & Body, USA, Westminster | Healthy | October 27, 2017


(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant. A pregnant woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “Hi, I’m in labor right now. Can I get a big glass of ice water?”

Me: *not sure I heard her correctly* “I… what?”

Woman: “Yeah, I just had a big contraction. Can I get some water?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, totally. Of course.”

(I grab her a cup and begin filling it with ice and water.)

Me: *jokingly* “So you’re not going to have the kid here, are you? I don’t know how to do that.”

Woman: *smirking* “No, I’m not going to have it here. Though you would not believe how backed up the highway is.”

(I give her the water and she rushes out. Her voice was strained throughout the conversation which makes total sense. I later told a coworker what I’d just gone through.)

Coworker: “Yeah, it happens. I had a woman in labor go through the drive-thru once.” *confused* “So you’ve been working food service for ten years and you’ve never had that happen once?”

Me: “Uh… no!”

[florida80]

A Few Needling Problems

Dentist, UK | Healthy | October 27, 2017


(I have an appointment with the dentist.)

Dentist: “Okay, please sit down and we will get to it!”

(I sit down and she looks in my mouth. I see a syringe just out of my view.)

Me: “What’s the syringe for?”

Dentist: Don’t worry. It won’t hurt a bit, and then we can get to work.”

Me: “No, what is the syringe for?”

(She sticks her thumb in my mouth, feeling my gums. She lifts the syringe and I push hard against her.)

Dentist: “What’s wrong? We won’t be able to get that tooth out unless you’re numbed up!”

Me: “I’m not getting a tooth out!”

Dentist: *angry* “THEN WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?!”

(I don’t answer and just leave the room. As I leave the building I see her running up to me.)

Dentist: “Oh, you’re my 11 am! I can do your whitening. I’ll just need to get set up.”

Me: “I’m not letting you near my mouth again!”

(I registered with another dentist that week

[florida80]

You’ve Got Things Back To Front

Canada, Manitoba, Pharmacy, Winnipeg | Healthy | November 8, 2017


(At our pharmacy we have cashiers who run the till when customers pick up their prescriptions. The cashiers have no pharmacy school education. A woman is picking up an antibiotic for a urinary tract infection.)

Customer: *in a loud voice* “I keep getting these urinary tract infections!”

Cashier: *awkwardly* “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Customer: *still very loud* “Do you think it’s because I wipe from back to front? They say you shouldn’t but I’ve done it all my life!”

Cashier: *trying very hard to remain professional* “Er… I really couldn’t say.”

(Meanwhile the rest of the staff are trying very hard not to laugh out loud.)

[florida80]

And Every Male Reader Just Crossed His Legs

Bookstore, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | November 8, 2017


(A lady calls into our bookstore. We are a private, Christian, non-profit organization. She wants to know about circumcision and any materials pertaining to that subject. I am confused as to why she wants it.)

Lady: “Hi, do you guys have any books on circumcision?”

Me: “Uh… no. That is mainly a Jewish practice, started in the Old Testament by Abraham and his family as a holy covenant with God.”

Lady: “That’s fascinating! Well, my nephew has just been born and the family was talking about it, and I didn’t know what it was. Every time I ask they avoid the subject with me.”

(After explaining to her what it was and why people did it, I told her that the practice today is done by a trained professional called the Mohel or by a medical professional.)

Lady: “So, it’s not as bad as it sounds! So do you think I could do it on my boyfriend? Here he is now!”

(Her boyfriend apparently walked into the room. She proceeded to check his penis to see if he was circumcised and tell me the gory details over the phone.)

Lady: “Can it be done with some scissors?”

Me: “Um… no… you would have to go to the hospital for that.”

Lady: “But you said it was not that bad!”

Me: “Yes, but if it’s not done right you can seriously hurt your boyfriend.”

Lady: “Oh. But Abraham did it with a knife!”

Me: “That was a long time ago and I’m sure he had divine intervention to help him!”

[florida80]

A Miscarriage Of Justice

Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017


(My husband and I have recently found out we’re pregnant. We’re excited but also nervous since a year before I had a traumatizing and painful miscarriage. We’re at the clinic where three weeks prior they did an ultrasound but said it was too early. But upon our return this ultrasound showed a fetus but no growth or heartbeat. We’re devastated to say the least. My husband had to step out for a few minutes. The doctor comes back in with blood test results.)

Doctor: “Your choices are to miscarry naturally or have a procedure for it to get taken out. My schedule is tight so we may need to try naturally first.”

Me: “Isn’t it… dangerous for me to try naturally, given my history?”

Doctor: *heavy sigh* “All right, we’ll schedule you for next week when I have an opening. [Nurse] will give you a packet of the information. You’ll be put under so as usual, no food or drink after midnight and no alcohol or recreational drugs 48 hours before. So for the next few days PARTAY IT UP! It’ll probably make you feel better.”

(He then puts his hand on my leg, which I’ve made clear I can’t stand people touching me.)

Me: *trying to keep from bawling* “You are a psychopath. Come near me and I will take your stethoscope and shove it so far up your a** you can hear your own heartbeat, if you have one. I’m going to go find a real doctor.”

(I ran out of there as fast as I could, found my now confused, then angry, husband, and left. I spent an hour in the car crying my eyes out, which might have been eased had I a doctor with empathy. I later found a different doctor that handled the situation properly and discovered the first doctor’s practice was eventually shut down due to fraud and malpractice. Good riddance.)

[florida80]

Idiot Number One

Medical Office, Tennessee, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017


(I’m a nurse and am bringing a patient back to do blood pressure, temperature, and a urine check before they see the doctor.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, this is going to be your room, but do you feel as if you could pee in a cup for me real quick?”

Patient: “No, not right now.”

Me: “That all right! I’ll be right back with my blood pressure cuff to check your blood pressure, okay? We can get you some water to drink after that.”

Patient: “Okay, but I really need to pee, and do you need me to save any of it to check for infection?”

[florida80]

Inject A Little Compassion

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 7, 2017


(My 12-year-old friend has many physical health problems, so she has to be at the hospital a lot. She has had many surgeries and medical procedures, and therefore has built up a bit of pain tolerance as well as being able to go for longer periods of time without food. My friend and her mom get onto the elevator. My friend has eaten nothing for over a day; she is very tired, and we all had a long day at school with lots of work and homework. Before the operation, she has to take a medication. She has a fear of needles, so she always takes medication via pill when she can. This takes longer, as the pill needs longer to work, but they are scheduled accordingly.)

Doctor: “Let me get the shot.”

Friend’s Mom: “Actually, she request—”

Doctor: “Ugh, she doesn’t need to do that. She’s not a little kid!”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Actually, they requested the pill, because [Friend] has anxiety and we don’t want her to have a panic attack before surgery.”

Doctor: “She needs to stop being a special snowflake and grow up!”

Friend: “I was diagnosed by Dr. [Name] seven years ago. Do you think I want panic attacks?”

Doctor: “Fine.”

(The doctor goes to get the medication. My friend’s mom and the nurse leave the room. Suddenly the doctor rushes out and sticks her with the needle.)

Friend: *is taken by surprise and tenses up, making the shot hurt more, and starts to have a panic attack*

Friend’s Mom & Nurses: “What’s going on?!”

([Nurses #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) and #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] rush to help [Friend].)

Friend’s Mom: “What the f*** are you doing?!”

Doctor: “She’s just a stupid kid! You don’t know anything about medicine anyway!”

Friend’s Mom: “I’m a nurse! I WORK here!”

(They did the surgery, and it turned out the pain medication didn’t work too well because the doctor injected it wrong.)

[florida80]

Juiced Up On Idiocy

Elizabeth, Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m a nurse working on a medical-surgical floor. One night, I am assigned to a certain patient who is known to be extremely difficult, and honestly, a bit of an idiot. He is very uncooperative, and won’t even let us put an IV in him. He has a mess of medical problems, particularly uncontrolled diabetes. We check all diabetics’ blood sugar levels throughout the day in order to control their levels with insulin shots.)

Me: “Good morning. I have to check your blood sugar.”

Patient: “Whatever.”

(I check the level and it’s shockingly low. A normal blood sugar level is 60 – 120. His is 40.)

Me: “Sir, your sugar is very low. Let me get you some juice to boost it up.”

Patient: “I can’t drink juice. I’m diabetic.”

Me: “Yes, but in this case, juice will help boost your sugar quickly. We don’t want it to drop any lower. Lemme get you orange juice, okay?”

Patient: “Fine.”

Me: *comes back later with a cup of OJ* “Here.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you that you need to take some juice for your sugar.”

Patient: “I don’t like OJ.”

Me: *a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me so in the first place* “All right. What will you take?”

Patient: *after a few minutes thinking* “I want apple juice.”

Me: “Fine.” *leaves and comes back with apple juice* “Here. Drink this.”

Patient: “I don’t want that.”

Me: *at this point, I’m in complete disbelief* “Sir, you just told me you would drink if I got you apple juice instead of OJ!”

Patient: “I’m diabetic. I can’t drink juice.”

Me: “But your sugar is low and we really need to boost it up. It’s dangerous to have low blood sugar.”

Patient: *getting angry* “You can’t force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Don’t try to trick me into taking that juice! I don’t even like apple juice!”

(At this point, I’m about ready to throw the juice in his face. I leave the room just as the doctor passes by with some surgical students, asking what’s up. I explain the situation to the doctor.)

Doctor: “Let us talk to him.” *takes the juice from me and walks in with the students*

(I leave to take care of another patient. Five minutes later, I return to see the students coming out of the room one by one, all of them shaking their heads and chuckling. Finally the doctor comes out and I ask him if he took the juice.)

Doctor: *shakes his head* “That man is an absolute idiot. Just make sure he gets breakfast. If he passes out, let us know.”

[florida80]

A Cereal Snacker

Elizabeth, Hospital, New Jersey, USA | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m a hospital nurse. In my experience, some patients tend to see the hospital as some sort of medical hotel, where they’re allowed to ask for whatever they like whenever they like just because they’re sick.)

Patient: *at two in the morning, at the other end of the unit* “HEY! HEY! SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT!”

Me: *coming in, resisting the urge to smack him for waking up the d*** unit instead of just using his call bell* “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

Patient: “I want cereal.”

Me: *utter disbelief* “Sir, it’s two in the morning. We don’t have any cereal.”

Patient: “Then go to the kitchen and get me some cereal.”

Me: “The kitchen is closed and won’t open until morning. You’ll have to wait until breakfast.”

Patient: “But I’m hungry now!”

(Keep in mind that this patient has a history of uncontrolled diabetes and has even lost a foot. He usually keeps a stash of food in his room against our advice, and his blood sugar is always extremely high due to snacking and refusing medications. We always try to limit his snacks to better control his sugar.)

Me: “Sir, you already had your dinner and your snack for tonight. You need to wait until morning. We don’t have any more snacks for you.”

Patient: “This is the worst hospital ever. First you try to poison me with your whacked drugs and then you wanna starve me all night long? Why can’t you give me any cereal?”

Me: *already past my limit and trying to keep an even tone* “Because this is a hospital, not a hotel. I’m not your maid; I’m your nurse. I’m not here to enable your bad habits and give you whatever you want just because you want it. I’m here to help you maintain your health. But you’ve been uncooperative, rude, and downright disrespectful. You don’t like how things are here? You have the right to refuse. And you have the right to leave. But you can guarantee that you will be back. And you keep heading down this path, you can also bet that you’re gonna have more problems, too.”

Patient: “…”

Me: “…”

Patient: “…I’ll go to sleep and wait for breakfast, then

[florida80]

Pink Eye To Your Red Face

British Columbia, Canada, College & University, Kelowna, Medical Office | Healthy | November 6, 2017


(I’m in my second year of university, working part time and in full courses for science with labs. I don’t exactly have free time at convenient hours, so I decide to go to the doctor on campus to confirm my suspicion. They ask me to fill out a form covering the basics, including pregnancy, STDs, allergies, and a list of symptoms. I make it quite clear what my issue is.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name]. How are you feeling?”

Me: “Not bad.”

Doctor: “Do you need a pregnancy test?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Doctor: “Well, we can screen for STDs. It will take about a week to get results back.”

Me: “That’s… that’s not what I came in for.”

Doctor: “Oh.” *looks at chart* “Why are you here, then?”

Me: *points to my swollen closed eye and slightly swollen face* “I think I have pink eye?”

(I don’t really know how he missed it, but he wrote me the prescription for antibiotics and I went on my way.)

[florida80]

The Situation Is Agonizingly Fluid

Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | November 5, 2017


I had some issues with ovarian cysts when I was in high school, so I had to go in for a pelvic ultrasound. In the instructions we received prior the appointment I was told I needed to drink 32 oz of water before coming in so that my bladder would be full, which helps them to get better images. Now, I was 15 and very skinny. I had just gone through a growth spurt and at 5’5″ I weighed in around 100 pounds. I drank the water and immediately had to pee; I looked down, my pelvic area was bulging already. This was 10 minutes after I drank the water, right as we were leaving, and it was a 30 minute drive to the office.

Needless to say, that drive, through a bumpy, uneven construction site, was miserable. I was in such physical pain by the time we got to the doctor that I was in tears sitting in the waiting room. When I finally got called back to the ultrasound room and I lay down on the table, the ultrasound tech gave my visibly full bladder, by this point halfway to a pregnant belly, a bit of a side eye, but continued with her explanation of the procedure. I heard none of this, as all of my energy and focus were tied up in not urinating all over that table.

She begins the ultrasound, poking at the watery skin ball that is my pelvis, until after a few moments she stops. She can’t see anything. There’s too much liquid.

I ask her what to do and she tells me that I need to go to the bathroom (which was luckily adjacent to the exam room) and “pee a little, then stop” so that there would be a good amount of liquid for her. By this point, I have been in intense physical pain because of this full bladder for roughly an hour, so these instructions felt more than a little impossible. But, being a determined kid, I went in there and against all odds, I did it. So the rest of the ultrasound goes off without a hitch, and afterward I am finally able to fully relax my bladder for the first time that day.

As I was getting ready to leave, the technician asked me how much water I had been instructed to drink, and was appalled when I told her 32 oz. She went off about how they should’ve looked at my chart to see my height and weight because they would’ve been able to tell just from that that the amount should’ve been lower, and it was lucky that I was able to control my bladder so well; otherwise, the whole appointment would’ve been a waste.

A few days later my mom gets a call from the doctor’s office and guess what? Turns out the whole appointment was, in fact, a waste, since the notes were wrong in my file and the ultrasound tech performed an abdominal ultrasound instead of a pelvic one. I was less than pleased.

At least I knew not to drink so much water for the next one.

[florida80]

A Significant Shift In Moods

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 4, 2017


(I work night shift in a hospital lab. On night shift, there are three working at a time with my same job title, which is the highest level of certification in the department, other than our medical director. In all, there are six night shifters with that certification for the entire fairly large specialty hospital, and if we can’t work, we figure it out with one of the three who are off. One night, due to family emergencies, sickness, and a coworker who “wasn’t in the mood to come to work today” (they were fired weeks later), I and one other end up working a night shift. I am filling in unexpectedly, and have just gotten off a flight that morning and haven’t slept in thirty hours by the time morning comes. The other coworker has a fever of 103; we make the executive decision that I’ll do anything requiring patient contact and if his fever goes above 104, we’ll call the ER downstairs. It also turns out to be what we call a “must be a full moon” night. By morning, we’re both almost crying from sheer exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and misery. Come morning, there is an employee appreciation breakfast.)

Day Shifter: “How was the night?”

Me: “I haven’t slept in thirty hours, [Coworker] has a fever of 103, four analyzers broke, the ICU is literally out of beds, they’re tripling up patients into the double rooms in MedSurg, and the ER is using the hallway as overflow for the waiting room.”

Day Shifter: “Well, we were wondering if you two could stay maybe an hour late so all the day shift could go to the breakfast?”

(We told them no way. They weren’t happy. At that point, we didn’t care.)

[florida80]

NovoPAIN!

Arkansas, Dentist, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(I am having a filling in my tooth replaced with a new material.)

Me: “So, doctor, I’ve had problems in the past with Novocain not really working with the standard dose. I may need a slightly larger dose to fully numb the area up.”

Dentist: “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

(I do worry, but I decide maybe he’s using something a little stronger than I’ve been given before. He begins to drill out the current filling and I jump, because I can clearly feel the vibrations, when I know I shouldn’t.)

Me: “No, stop! It’s not numbed!”

Dentist: “No, that’s normal. Don’t worry.”

(He continues to drill, and I can FEEL IT. I squirm and yell and try to smack his arm with my free hand, but he just tells me to be still. He continues on, and for a brief moment, the pain is so intense, everything looks silver. So, I do the only thing I know that will stop him at this point. I bite him, which tears his latex glove.)

Dentist: “What was that for?!”

Me: “PAIN IS F****** SILVER!”

(In the end, I got my larger dose of Novocain to fully numb the area, and a note in my file that I need at least a dose and a half.)

[florida80]

A Needling Suspicion You Did That Wrong

Blood Donation, New Hampshire, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(I am donating blood at a traveling clinic that has come to my college. I have a rather intense needle phobia and like to use donating blood as a way to get over this fear just as much as an opportunity to help others. However, when the needle is in me I become visibly tense and my breathing quickens. Sometimes the nurses worry that I am going to pass out or go into shock, so I always warn them about my fear, assure them that I will NOT pass out, that I’m just anxious, and ask them to count to three before they stick me, which reduces my anxiety. They are usually very understanding of this request.)

Nurse: “Okay, we’re all set now. You’re just going to feel a pinch and a sting.”

Me: “Can you please count before you do it?”

Nurse: *legitimately confused about this request* “Count? Why?”

Me: “I have a bit of a needle phobia. I’m not going to pass out; I just don’t want to be surprised by the needle.”

Nurse: *still with a confused expression* “Okay…”

(She then proceeds to count to three as fast as she can… WHILE she is already sticking me with the needle. Lo and behold, I panic, push myself several inches up in the chair, and feel tears begin to stream from my eyes involuntarily.)

Nurse: “Oh! Well, I didn’t know you were gonna jump up in your chair like that!”

(She leaves to tend to other donors. I begin to calm down, but tears are still streaming down my face as a result of the unpleasant surprise.)

Nurse: *coming back to check on me, notices my face* “Is… is something sad going on in your life right now?”

Me: “Nothing other than the nightmares I’m gonna have tonight…”

[florida80]

A Basin To Stick Your Face In

Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 3, 2017


(My nurse has just finished filling a basin so that I can take a sponge bath. I sit up to use it, and immediately throw up in the basin. First words out of her mouth:)

Nurse: “I’m so glad that basin was there.”

(If I wasn’t busy with sudden nausea I’d have laughed myself sick!)

[florida80]

Maybe Dying Doesn’t Seem So Bad

Clinic, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2017


(I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. There is a small hospital, as well as a holistic health clinic. The answering machine for the holistic health clinic says:)

Clinic: “You have reached [Clinic]. We are open from [time] to [time]. If it’s an emergency, go to the hospital in [City a little over an hour away]. If you cannot make it to that hospital, go to the hospital in [Smaller City around 40 minutes away]. ONLY IF YOU WILL NOT LIVE to get to that hospital should you go to the local hospital. In that case, good luck… Please leave a message after the beep.”

(The unfortunate thing is they are quite right. While the staff seem nice enough, they have so little practice that they really aren’t any good. I got a small gash in my knee once, and needed stitches. Somehow the remaining scar is now double the size of the original gash. Since then I’ve always made a point to go to a different hospital if I need medical care.)

[florida80]

A Meat Coochie Would Have Just Been Too Much

Food & Drink, Hospital, Language & Words, USA, Washington | Healthy | November 2, 2017


(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

[florida80]

A Surgeon Seriously Lacking In Wisdom

Connecticut, Dentist, USA | Healthy | November 2, 2017


(I was born with what is called lateral incisors anodontia, which means I am missing lateral incisors, the teeth in my upper jaw on either side of my front teeth. It’s all over my dental records and quite clear from X-rays or just looking inside my mouth that thing’s aren’t quite normal.)

Oral Surgeon: *looking at an X-ray* “The lower wisdom teeth are impacted, so they definitely have to come out. I see the uppers have come through, but we should take those out as well.”

Me: “Are you sure the uppers need to come out? I was born without lateral incisors, so the wisdom teeth came in fine are far enough forward to meet the lower molars.”

Oral Surgeon: *looks in my mouth for a few seconds* “Yes, they still need to come out.”

Me: “Okay, fine. How much will this cost?”

Oral Surgeon: “Extracting the impacted teeth is covered by your insurance, but it will cost $300 to extract the other two.”

(My family and I are royally ticked off about the out of pocket cost, but don’t see any way to avoid it. We decide to pay for the extraction up front and return in a week for the surgery. I choose not to get put under so I am (thankfully) awake and aware when, after the oral surgeon injects Novocaine into the root of an upper wisdom tooth and starts to grip it with a tool, this happens.)

Oral Surgeon: “What the h***? What the f*** is going on here?”

Nurse: “What is it?”

Oral Surgeon: “Are there missing teeth?”

Nurse: “Let me count.”

Me: *through the tools and the drugs* “Yes.” *I reach up and tap where my lateral incisors would be* “These.”

(The nurse and oral surgeon walk a way for a moment to talk. When they come back:)

Oral Surgeon: “It looks like you are missing your lateral incisors. Your wisdom teeth are far enough forward that they meet your lower molars. There is clear wear on them so you’re obviously using them when you chew. Since they are being used, would you prefer to keep them in?”

Me: “Yes! I told you all this during the consultation.”

(On the plus side I got to keep two wisdom teeth. On the down side, we still had to deal with this office for over a month, since they were very reluctant to give back the money we paid for extractions that never happened despite telling us immediately after surgery that everything would be refunded in full!)

[florida80]

Your Plan Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On

Florida, Hospital, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(My aunt is pregnant with my cousin after years of miscarriages and a stillbirth. She’s at one of her ultrasounds when the doctor notices something weird.)

Doctor: “I think your baby is malformed.”

Aunt: “What are you talking about?”

Doctor: “I mean she isn’t developing properly. She might be born disfigured.”

Aunt: “How bad are we talking? She’s not going to die, is she?”

Doctor: “I can’t tell for certain, but it looks like she’s missing a leg.”

Aunt: “What?! What do you mean my baby is missing a leg?!”

Doctor: “I mean unless it’s hidden somewhere, it’s gone.”

(Over the next few weeks the doctor subtly implied over and over again that she should terminate the pregnancy due to the malformation. She ended up switching doctors when he got fed up and straight up told her to terminate because apparently allowing a child to exist with a deformity was akin to abuse. When she gave birth, my cousin indeed only had one leg. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic at a very young age and is now 23, athletic, and happy, and you wouldn’t know she only had one leg if she didn’t show you her prosthetic. We’re all still horrified that the doctor thought terminating her in the name of “protecting” her was the only course of action, especially after my aunt and uncle had suffered so many previous losses.)

[florida80]

When Collecting Becomes A Disease

Canada, Hospital, Ontario | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)

Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”

Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”

[florida80]

Hard To Swallow That He Doesn’t Realize

Medical Office, New York, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | November 1, 2017


(I am getting X-rays done because I’m going to have a procedure done soon. Beforehand they make you drink this thick gooey liquid that supposedly makes it easier to take the X-rays. Before the doctor comes in, the nurse is asking me some preliminary questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(Being as immature as I am, I have to try really hard to contain my laughter in order to answer no. Then the doctor comes in:)

Doctor: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”

(I try really hard not to laugh and say no.)

Doctor: “Are you sure? I’m gonna give you this thick liquid to swallow; it’s gonna feel a little slimy as it goes down your throat.”

(I can’t help it and crack up.)

Doctor: “Oooookay, I guess I’m going to have to describe this a different way. You’re the fifth person today that laughs when I explain this process, and that’s not even including the new nurse in training.”

[florida80]

The Workforce Is Strong With This One

Drug Store, Pharmacy | Michigan, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(We have a giant inflatable ghost on display for Halloween. It doesn’t quite sit right and tends to lean to the side, so we frequently adjust it.)

Coworker: “[My name]! The ghost is falling again.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We spend about five minutes fiddling with it, until we get it to sit up right.)

Coworker: “Oh, no. His ascot got flipped backwards.”

(We proceed to grab boxes and stick-like things, trying to flip the ascot back around to no avail.)

Me: “OH! I’ve got it!”

(I run away with no explanation and return with a toy extendable lightsaber. I make the “vwing” noise and I flick it and extend the lightsaber. I succeed in straightening the ghost’s tie on the first attempt.)

Coworker: “…You just fixed the ascot of an inflatable ghost with a lightsaber.”

Me: “I love this job.”

[florida80]

He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth

Hospital | CA, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor, to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)

Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”

Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”

Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”

Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”

Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”

(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)

Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”

Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”

(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)

Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”

[florida80]

The Trouble With Trekkies

Clinic | San Francisco, CA, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2017


(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

[florida80]

Radiating Pure Incompetence

Health & Body, Office, Text/Chat/Email, UK | Healthy | October 30, 2017


(I work for the safety department overseeing several sites that my company is working on. I mainly focus on radiation exposure. We receive daily reports of exposure for all men working in radioactive areas with personal dosimeters that record in real time. Each site has one person who collates the information before passing it on. One site has recently had to employ a new person. He has sent the information through and I notice a problem. I reply to his email.)

Me: “[Person], is this information correct?”

Person: “Yes. It is correct.”

Me: “Okay. I thought I would check as many of your workers have far exceeded the legal limit in just one day. Has there been an incident?”

Person: “No. No incident. The information is correct. I have checked with dosimetry on site, and they confirm.”

(I don’t believe him, so I email the safety manager on site just to double check, but he doesn’t respond. I decide to pry further.)

Me: “[Person], can I assume that the workers have been sent home with pay? I will need to report this.”

Person: “No. They’re still working. I won’t be able to reach them until they finish.”

Me: “Well, you’re going to have to. They have far exceeded the legal limit for a year’s worth of exposure. As per policy, this will have to be reported and they will need to be monitored. Can you please check with [Safety Manager]?”

Person: “It’s just one Sievert! And no, [Safety Manager] is in a meeting.”

Me: “[Person], a Sievert is a large dose. We work in micro and millisieverts. Are you absolutely certain this information is correct?”

Person: “The information IS correct. That is the end of it!”

(I was even less convinced and spoke to my manager. He contacted the site manager and it was decided that the workers be sent home and everyone pulled off until the matter was resolved. It turned out no one there thought it necessary to train the new person, despite him having no experience with ionising radiation. The workers were only exposed to a few microseiverts and they were allowed to return to work. This incident reflected so badly on us it risked our contract with the site, and the manager, safety manager, and the new person were relocated. I got landed with the new person, and he’s made it his life goal to make my life miserable, as payment for his and his managers’ mistake.)

[florida80]

Healthy Roundup: Why Nurses Should Rule The World

Announcements | Healthy | October 30, 2017




To celebrate our new Healthy section, we thought we should celebrate the hardest-working heroes of healthcare: nurses! Take a seat, relax, and pray that if you ever get sick, you get treated by one of these.

Why Nurses Should Rule The World:

Part One – Because as a nurse, your smallest patients are also your biggest.

Part Two – See what happens when a “doctor” tries to outsmart a nurse.

Part Three – Nurses work super hard to become nurses so that they can work even harder.

Part Four – A nurse is never off the clock.

Part Five – Don’t mess with a nurse who is also a mother.

Part Six – A good nurse never says “not my department, not my problem.”

Part Seven – Doctors diagnose. Nurses translate.

Part Eight – A nurse’s job extends far beyond the hospital.

Part Nine – Retirement? For a nurse? Bah!

Part Ten – See what happens when you hitch a ride from a registered nurse.

Part Eleven – God bless nurses!

Part Twelve – See what happens when a nurse sticks it to the doctor.

Do you know any nurses that would appreciate these stories? Or know any other stories that prove why nurses should rule the world? Let us know in the comments!

[florida80]

A Disheartening Way To Treat The Issue

Australia, Car, Health & Body, New South Wales, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | October 30, 2017


(I have a day off so I wasn’t planning on doing much other than sleeping in. At about 9:30 am I get a call from my dad.)

Dad: “Hey, sweetie, are you doing anything at the moment?”

Me: *lying in bed* “No, not anything important. Whats up?”

Dad: “The coolant hose has come loose on the car again. Could I get you to come pick me up to get some more coolant?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, no problem.”

(I go and get him, chatting about inconsequential things, asking about each others’ weekends. We get the coolant and we are heading back to his car. This happens about half an hour after I pick him up.)

Dad: “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great this morning… About an hour ago I started getting chest pain and was thinking I should go to the hospital, but I’m feeling okay now so maybe I should just go home.”

Me: *being sceptical in my head* “Nah, if you were worried, Dad, I’d go up there. I will go with you if you’d like. I’ll stay with you. It can get kinda boring up there by yourself.”

Dad: “Oh, well, only if you’re not doing anything. It might be a good idea.”

Me: “Sure thing; it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

Dad: “Only if you’re sure you’re not doing anything

Me: “I’m sure; I will meet you up there.”

(I follow him up only to find a parking space at the bottom of the hill, so we walk up to the top and get admitted into ED. Long story short, Dad had had a minor heart attack, three in fact, the last one as we were walking up the hill, and he just wanted to go home. I spent five hours with him, him asking me not to tell any family members because he didn’t want to stress them out. Mum nearly had a heart attack herself when she found out, mainly because he waited five hours to tell her! Please, please, people — get it checked out sooner rather than later!)

[florida80]

Drugs Make You Quackers

Chicago, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 29, 2017


(My mom is a nurse practitioner at a health clinic primarily for homeless people. Naturally she has some interesting exchanges with her patients. Her favorite one to tell is about a patient who had come in for the first time, and she was asking all the preliminary questions.)

Mom: “Do you have any allergies?”

Patient: “I’m allergic to penicillin.”

Mom: “What sort of reaction do you have when you take it?”

Patient: “It makes me talk like Donald Duck.”

(After trying to hold in laughter, my mom had to explain to him that while his “reaction” was more of a mild mutation, it was not considered a harmful allergy. It’s her favorite story to tell next to the woman who referred to the lice on her head as “movable dandruff.”)

[florida80]

BerEFT Of Paying

Australia, Hospital, Reception | Healthy | October 28, 2017


(At the end of a visit patients return to the front desk to settle accounts. Our EFT Machine likes to be difficult sometimes so I do as much as I can on it so the patient doesn’t get confused.)

Me: “Okay, was that cheque, savings, or credit?”

Patient: “Credit.”

(I select credit and put the EFT Machine in front of them.)

Me: “Pin, please.”

(I look away. After hearing only four beeps, each button pressed beeps — four for the pin and one for enter — I go ahead and visually see only three buttons of the pin were entered. I press the yellow button once to erase it.)

Me: “Pin again, please. The buttons tend to stick.”

(Again I hear only four beeps and visually check. I repeat pressing the yellow button once.)

Me: “Once more, please. Really press down.”

(I hear four beeps again, but before I can press the yellow button the patient notices and presses it three times quickly. The machine makes an error beep and a big cross comes on the screen that cancels the payment.)

Me: “Okay. We only need to press that once. Let’s start again.”

(Little things like this that tend to be unnecessary mistakes and use more time than it should. Another example:)

Me: “Was that cheque, savings, or credit?”

(I notice on the screen it says debit, but debit and credit can be selected as the same thing. Debit cards are used in place of credit cards when ordering online and such. The patient looks at me wide-eyed.)

Patient: “I don’t have credit!”

(They panic faster than I can explain. It was a slip of the tongue, habitual, and not really a fuss.)

Patient: “Don’t put it on credit! It’s not credit!”

(I internally sighed.)

[florida80]

Their Lack Of Professionalism Is An Eye-Sore

Health Insurance, Medical Office, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2017


(My eye insurance changes when I got a new job, so I need to find a new doctor for my contacts exam. I choose one in the same building as my previous job at a pharmacy, as I’ve met [Doctor], who is a really nice guy, and call to make an appointment.)

Me: “Hi, before I make an appointment, I want to confirm that you take my insurance?”

Receptionist: “Oh, the plan offered by the local hospital? Of course we do.”

(I’m scheduled for the next open appointment, three months away. Fast forward to the day of the appointment. She copies my insurance cards, and I wait for my exam.)

Nurse: “[My Name]. Good afternoon, the doctor will be in to see you shortly.”

(In walks a short, bald, bearded man, not the tall, thin, bespectacled fellow I knew from the pharmacy, but I figure perhaps [Doctor] has expanded his practice or has a fill-in today. He proceeds to do my exam and tells me my script will be up front, no niceties, no introduction.)

Me: “Thank you! And I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.” *primarily so I know not to schedule an appointment with him again*

Doctor: “[Doctor], of course!”

Me: “Oh, I apologize. I mistook the taller gentleman with glasses for you.”

Doctor: “He’s just the optician.”

(Cue the end of the awkwardness, and I go up front to pay my copay and get my script.)

Receptionist: “That will be [amount nearly $300].”

Me: “What? Shouldn’t it be $50 with my insurance and deductible?”

Receptionist: “Oh, we only take your insurance for eye emergencies.”

Me: *pays with mouth agape*

(She knew they only took my insurance for emergencies and scheduled me for an obviously non-emergent appointment. Then she copied my cards, again not pointing out that it wouldn’t cover my visit. And the doctor was an unfriendly, cold fellow to boot. Needless to say I never went back, even though my insurance has now changed to something they universally accept.)

[florida80]

A Labor-Intensive Work Environment

Colorado, Fast Food, Health & Body, USA, Westminster | Healthy | October 27, 2017


(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant. A pregnant woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “Hi, I’m in labor right now. Can I get a big glass of ice water?”

Me: *not sure I heard her correctly* “I… what?”

Woman: “Yeah, I just had a big contraction. Can I get some water?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, totally. Of course.”

(I grab her a cup and begin filling it with ice and water.)

Me: *jokingly* “So you’re not going to have the kid here, are you? I don’t know how to do that.”

Woman: *smirking* “No, I’m not going to have it here. Though you would not believe how backed up the highway is.”

(I give her the water and she rushes out. Her voice was strained throughout the conversation which makes total sense. I later told a coworker what I’d just gone through.)

Coworker: “Yeah, it happens. I had a woman in labor go through the drive-thru once.” *confused* “So you’ve been working food service for ten years and you’ve never had that happen once?”

Me: “Uh… no!”

[florida80]

A Few Needling Problems

Dentist, UK | Healthy | October 27, 2017


(I have an appointment with the dentist.)

Dentist: “Okay, please sit down and we will get to it!”

(I sit down and she looks in my mouth. I see a syringe just out of my view.)

Me: “What’s the syringe for?”

Dentist: Don’t worry. It won’t hurt a bit, and then we can get to work.”

Me: “No, what is the syringe for?”

(She sticks her thumb in my mouth, feeling my gums. She lifts the syringe and I push hard against her.)

Dentist: “What’s wrong? We won’t be able to get that tooth out unless you’re numbed up!”

Me: “I’m not getting a tooth out!”

Dentist: *angry* “THEN WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?!”

(I don’t answer and just leave the room. As I leave the building I see her running up to me.)

Dentist: “Oh, you’re my 11 am! I can do your whitening. I’ll just need to get set up.”

Me: “I’m not letting you near my mouth again!”

(I registered with another dentist that week.)

[florida80]

There Are Prescribed Lunch Breaks

California, Pharmacy, Stockton, USA | Healthy | October 26, 2017


(I work in a pharmacy as an intern, and on the weekends, we only have one pharmacist on duty. It is company policy that employees have to take their unpaid lunch by the fifth hour on the clock. This happens when our pharmacist is out to lunch.)

Tech: “Hello there. Are you picking up or dropping off?”

Patient: “Picking up.”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but our pharmacist is on lunch. We can’t sell any prescriptions without a pharmacist here.”

Patient: “Why the h*** not?!”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but it is against the law for us to do that.”

Patient: “Just give it to me! I drove all the way here!”

Tech: “I can’t; it’s against the law, and we have to have a pharmacist here.”

Patient: “There should always be a pharmacist here; it’s a pharmacy! Why the h*** aren’t they here?!”

Tech: “She’s on her lunch right now. She’ll be back at 1:30, but I can’t do anything until then.”

Patient: “I want to talk to a manager!”

Tech: *calls manager*

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do anything until the pharmacist comes back from lunch. She has to take her lunch, too.”

Patient: “I’m complaining to corporate. What is their number? This is ridiculous!”

Manager: “It’s [number].”

(The patient storms off as the manager just shrugs.)

Manager: “Call all you want. What are they gonna do? Fire me for following the law?”

[florida80]

Check Comes With A Teleportation Fee

Illinois, Medical Office, Skokie, USA | Healthy | October 26, 2017


(We get requests from companies requesting medical charts. We charge a fee to print and mail them. Charts are only mailed after receiving payment.)

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] regarding the 25 chart review.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “I was just wondering if you received the check yet?”

Me: *thinking maybe it came in today’s mail, which we hadn’t gotten yet* “When did you mail it?”

Caller: “Today.”

Me: “…then, no. We didn’t get it yet.”

[florida80]

Suddenly Anti-Antibiotic

Canada, Montreal, Pharmacy, Quebec | Healthy | October 26, 2017


Customer: “Hi, I’d like to fill this prescription, please.”

Me: “Very well, I’ll need your birthdate.”

Customer: “[Birthdate]. Hurry up, please.”

Me: “Any known allergies?”

Customer: “What? No! Look, it’s not my first time taking these pills. Just give it to me.”

Me: *taken aback* “Okay, sir, you may go in the waiting room.”

(A few minutes later the pharmacist explains the treatment to the customer.)

Pharmacist: “So, those pills are penicillin combined with another antibiotic—”

Customer: “Penicillin? What? I can’t take this! I’m deathly allergic to penicillin!”

[florida80]

1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity, Part 2

Pennsylvania, Pharmacy, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | October 25, 2017


(I am a pharmacy technician, not qualified to recommend drugs or dispense advice. Any questions about actual medicine, I am required to pass off to a pharmacist, even if I think I know the answer.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: *mumbling* “Um, I think I—” *mumbles* “—contact with bleach…”

Me: “I’m sorry, what? Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I think I might have swallowed some bleach and was wondering if the pharmacist could recommend anything.”

Me: *trying not to look alarmed* “Well, if I were you, I would call the Poison Control Center, but I’ll check with the pharmacist.”

(I go back to the counter where the pharmacist is working.)

Me: “This guy says he might have ingested bleach and wants to know if you can recommend anything. I told him he should call the Poison Control Center.”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, that’s about it.”

(I go up to the front counter and repeat this advice to the customer.)

Customer: “Well, I drank some fluids and I’m feeling better now. I had some [soda], and some water, and some lemonade. My chest was hurting before but now it’s better. Do you know if bleach can make your chest hurt?”

Me: “Um… probably. If you swallowed bleach, it could hurt on the way down. You should probably call the Poison Control Center.”

Customer: “Eh, maybe I’ll call them tomorrow. If I’m not feeling better then, I can go to the emergency room, too.”

Me: “I would call them tonight if I were you, just to be safe. Do you want their number?”

(I write it down on the nearest piece of paper and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Yeah, thanks. I might call them tomorrow.”

(He wanders away, but comes back later. My coworker is an intern, studying to become a pharmacist, and gets to the counter first. I overhear their conversation.)

Customer: “I was wondering about water pills. What do they do?”

Coworker: “Um, they make you urinate.”

Customer: “Can I get some of those?”

Coworker: *realizing why he’s asking* “They don’t flush out your system; they’re used to lower blood pressure. And you would need a prescription.”

Customer: “Can I get one of those?”

Coworker: *bewildered* “We don’t give prescriptions here; we just fill them. You would need to go to a doctor.”

(The customer wanders away, apparently still confused about a lot of things.)

Me: “I hope he’s going to be okay.”

Pharmacist: “If he had really swallowed bleach, his throat would be burned. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but there’s nothing else we can do.”

Related:
1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity

[florida80]

Your Boss Can Be A Real Swine

Bosses & Owners, Health & Body, Kentucky, Nursing Home, Richmond, USA | Healthy | October 25, 2017


(I call in to my job as a certified nursing assistant at a nursing home. It is 2009.)

Me: “Hey, I can’t come in today because I have a fever of 104 and other flu symptoms.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I can’t let you call in unless you come here and have a nurse take your temperature.”

Me: “What? I live 15 miles away. My fever is really high and I have really bad cold chills.”

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “You’ll probably get fired if you don’t come and let us take your temperature.”

(I drive the 15 miles to let them take my temperature. At this point, I’m almost hallucinating from the fever.)

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Oh, your fever is 105 now.” *to other nurse* “Should she go home? We are kind of short today.”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I don’t know. She could probably work.”

(I then collapse onto the chair, barely hearing them in a fever haze.)

Nurse #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Well, maybe she should go home?”

Nurse #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I guess so.” *to me* “You can go home, I guess. But get a doctor’s note.”

(I then drove home, barely coherent. After going to the doctor I found out that I had SWINE FLU, or H1N1. And they wanted me to come to work, endangering both myself and the elderly residents! I quit a few months later.)

[florida80]

Could Be Better

Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 25, 2017


(I have a chronic illness and find myself going to the office where my GP, the walk-in clinic, and phlebotomy lab are all located. There are two attendants at the front doors that help patients in and out of vehicles and bring wheelchairs. Here in the South, it’s pretty typical for strangers to greet you as you walk past or even ask how you are. “Pretty good,” is the expected answer, no matter what.)

Attendant: “Mornin’. How’re you doing today?”

Me: “Eh. I’m here, aren’t I?”

Attendant: *beat* “Fair enough.”

[florida80]

The Uninsured Dead

Insurance, New Zealand, Pets & Animals, Text/Chat/Email, Zombies | Healthy | October 24, 2017


(A few months ago we signed up for pet insurance for all four of our animals. This month, we got caught by surprise by the payment and as a result, one of the payments did not process correctly. This is the email we got regarding the payment that did not process:)

Email: “Please call us on [number] or email us quoting [policy number] in regards to your insurance payment for your pet Zombie.”

(Punctuation is EVERYTHING.)

[florida80]

Gauze And Effect

Canada, Health & Body, home, Marriage & Partners | Healthy | October 24, 2017


(I have a minor surgery on my foot. By chance, the only gauze the doctor has to wrap it is bright red. I head home after, and my husband is already home. He has some emergency first aid experience.)

Me: “Ugh, it hurts. I guess I should take my sock off, see if that eases some pressure.”

(I take my sock off slowly.)

Me: *fake surprise* “Whoah, that’s red!”

Husband: *stares blankly*

Me: “Aww, you’re no fun. I thought the red gauze would freak you out.”

Husband: “So it’s gauze?”

Me: “Yep. It’s all the doctor had. It startled me so I thought I’d try and get you, too. You’re not as surprised as I thought you’d be.”

Husband: *calmly* “I was screaming internally.”

(He was actually really upset. Whoops!)

[florida80]

About To Make A (Dis)Appointment

California, Medical Office, Sacramento, Time, USA |
Healthy | October 24, 2017

(My multi-specialty medical office has an audiologist who does hearing tests for patients. I assist the ENT [Ear/Nose/Throat] doctors so I handle calls from his patients, since he doesn’t have his own assistant. One of our phone operators calls me at the nurses’ station with an audiology patient on the other line.)

Operator: “Dr. [Audiologist]’s 4:00 says she’s going to be ten minutes late. Is that okay?”

(We allow a 15-minute window to show up for appointments, and a check of the schedule reveals she’s the last patient of the day.)

Me: “Yes, that’s fine, as long as it’s no more than 15 minutes.”

(The operator relays the message and I go about my day. Later, I realize it’s 4:45 and the patient isn’t showing up as checked in on the schedule. I’m about to call up to the front desk to see if they’ve forgotten to check her in when the receptionist calls me.)

Receptionist: “Hi… did you tell Dr. [Audiologist]’s 4:00 that we’d ‘just work her in’ when she got here? Because she just got here.” *I can practically hear the air quotes*

Me: “I most certainly did not. I said no more than 15 minutes late. She needs to reschedule.”

Receptionist: “Yeah… that’s what I thought. Okay. I’m gonna go talk to [Audiologist]. Bet he’ll say the same thing.”

(He did. When the receptionist politely relayed to the patient that he was unable to stay 45 minutes late to accommodate her, she threw a hissy fit and ranted at our poor receptionist for several minutes before storming out in a snit. Her best line, as the receptionist later conveyed, was that she’d told our phone operator she was “on 50” and he should have known how far away she was. Highway 50 runs from West Sacramento to Maryland…)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 9

Awesome, Health & Body, Kind Strangers, Popular | FL, USA | Hopeless | May 17, 2016


(My family is visiting my grandma, and we like renting bicycles to ride around the gated community where she lives. My mom and two younger siblings are just on our way back to the house. It’s a very hot day and I’m wearing a dark shirt.)

Me: “Hold up a minute. I feel woozy.”

(I pull onto the grass and sit down, panting, as my vision swirls with purple-green clouds. Usually they clear in a few moments, but they’re not going away. I can’t get back on the bike until I can see, so Mom is about to send my brother on ahead to bring Dad back with the car, when a car pulls up next to us.)

Little Old Lady: “Do you need help?”

(I’m a little fuzzy on the details after that point, but it turned out that she was a retired nurse! She offered to drive me back to Grandma’s house. I was doing a little better in the air-conditioned car, but I was still woozy and she talked to me to keep me awake. When we got to the house, I had to lean on her shoulder to get inside; my dad told me later that he thought I was helping her at first! She helped me into a reclining chair and got a cool, damp washcloth to put on my forehead before she left, with instructions to drink lots of water and not move for a while. She left before I could thank her, but I sent a thank-you note when I was better. Even after they retire, nurses are awesome people!)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 6

Awesome Workers, Health & Body, Medical Office, Nurse | FL, USA | Working | December 9, 2013


(I’ve been sick this past week and I go to the clinic at nine am. They tell me they will call in the prescription at ten am. At two pm, I go to check the prescription.)

Pharmacist: “I have no prescription here under your name.”

Me: “The clinic said it would be ready by ten am. Let me call them.”

(I call the clinic.)

Me: “Hello. I have a prescription that hasn’t been put through yet. I need to make sure I am at the right pharmacy.”

(I am promptly transferred without a word to the women’s clinic line, which is the incorrect department. I am instructed to leave a message, as the nurses are out to lunch.)

Me: “Um, hi. I am [My Name]. I was just wondering where my prescription was sent. It’s not at the pharmacy and—” *I cough and my head immediately begins to ache terribly. I sniffle and tear up* “—if you could please help me that’d be nice.”

(I hang up and go home. At three pm I go to the clinic to verify the location of the pharmacy. They tell me the order has been sent, and to wait a couple hours. I go home yet again. At five pm I get a call from the women’s clinic number at which I left the message.)

Nurse: “Hello, is this [My Name]? You left a message a couple hours ago.”

Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, I was trying to find out where my prescription was. I already checked back with the clinic and they told me where the prescription would be.”

Nurse: “Everything’s all right, though? This is the wrong department for your call, but since you’ve had the prescription filled…”

Me: “Well… no… I called the pharmacy and the prescription still hasn’t been ordered yet.”

Nurse: “Oh. Let me get on that. I’ll make sure they get it filled out.”

Me: “Okay.”

Nurse: “I will call you back in a minute, sweetie.”

(The nurse hangs up and calls back a few minutes later.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ve gotten them to fill out your prescription and the pharmacy should have it soon. You are taking [Medicine], which is two pills twice a day. No matter how bad it is, take all of them. You can take decongestants and ibuprofen to deal with the congestion and pain. And, honey, popsicles are your best friends. Drink lots of fluids and warm tea, and get plenty of rest.”

(At this point, the nurse’s concern has caused me to tear up.)

Me: “Thank you so much! I’ve been dealing with this for a week.”

Nurse: “You just sound so sick, sweetie. I called the pharmacy and told them to work extra quick on your order. The pharmacist’s name is [Name]. She’ll have your prescription ready as soon as she can.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Nurse: “You feel better, honey.”

(To that nurse: You had me sobbing. You cared so much and it wasn’t even your department. You helped me and told me more about my medicine than the doctor in the CORRECT department did. I’m so grateful there are people as nice as you working in the women’s clinic!)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 5

Bullies, Hospital, Nurse, Parents/Guardians, Wild & Unruly | ON, Canada | Right | August 13, 2013


(I’m 18, and have been hospitalized for a severe case of mono. As a result of the illness, my throat is badly swollen and I can hardly speak. I’m on lots of painkillers. I’m sharing a room with a boy who swallowed a rock. The boy has been screaming since his mother left and his father can’t quiet him down.)

Nurse: “Okay, [My Name], I’m just going to check your vitals.”

Me: *whispering* “How much longer until I can have more pain medication?”

Nurse: “Not for a while, sweetie.”

(The nurse leaves. The boy’s father has been watching us the whole time.)

Boy’s Father: “Listen, you little b****! Don’t you f****** gossip about me to the f****** nurses! You keep your f****** mouth shut, or I’ll shut it for you!”

(I’m stunned, as I haven’t said a word to or about him. As I can’t move and can barely speak, I’m in tears and terrified. Not long after, my mom comes in to visit.)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you doing?”

Me: *crying and whispering* “Mom, the dad of that boy screamed at me. He said to shut up, or he’d shut me up.”

(My mom is silent, but clearly fuming. She leaves for a moment.)

Boy’s Father: “WHAT DID I SAY?!”

(Just then, my mom comes back with security in tow.)

Mom: “Escort him from hospital grounds NOW.”

Boy’s Father: “B****! You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t the boss here! I’m twenty-f******-five!”

Mom: “Actually, I AM the boss here! It’s my day off, but I’m head nurse on this floor, and if you EVER speak to my daughter ever again, I will have you arrested so fast that you won’t ever hear the sirens! And by the way, I’m forty-freaking-eight and I have the good sense not to let my kids eat rocks!”

(The man was removed from hospital grounds and was banned from re-entering for 48 hours unless it was an emergency. I have the best mom in the world.)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 4

Restaurant | FL, USA | Right | June 14, 2013


(My mother takes my younger brother and me out to a restaurant for dinner. As we are eating we witness a car crash in the road. My mother, being an LPN (licensed practical nurse), leaves her meal to rush across the street to offer help. We are seated by an elderly couple right next to a window.)

Elderly Man: “Did your mom just go out there to help them?”

Me: “Oh, well, she’s a nurse. Pretty much anytime an accident occurs and she’s there, she tries to help.”

Restaurant Proprietor: “That’s your mother out there?”

Little Brother: “Yeah. Our mom’s a nurse, so she went to help out.”

Restaurant Proprietor: “Wow! How cool!”

(My mother spends the next 30 minutes out in the middle of traffic, helping both drivers with their injuries, and waiting until EMTs arrive. She comes back in, and we resume our meal like nothing has happened.)

Elderly Woman: “Are they okay?”

Mom: “Yeah, but the poor girl — her parents are out of town. She has to wait in the hospital for them to come and see her. She pulled out, and that guy pulled out in front of her and rammed her car.”

Elderly Woman: “Well, at least they’re okay.”

(Another 20 minutes pass while my mother finishes her meal and the check is brought out to us. As the proprietor from earlier leaves the check, the couple next to us get up to leave.)

Elderly Man: “Let me tell you something…”

(He quickly snatches the check off of our table.)

Elderly Man: “If I were in an accident like that and needed help, I would want you to come and help me. Anyone who selflessly dodges traffic to help someone like that deserves to have their meal paid for. I hope that if one day I’m in an accident I have you there for me.”

(Despite my mother’s protests, the man pays the bill without even glancing at the total. When we go to the front to explain ourselves, the cashier isn’t surprised.)

Cashier: “Oh, that’s Bill. He’s a regular here. I’m not surprised he did that. He’s a real sweetheart. He was actually on his first date with that girl!”

(If you ever read this, Bill, you moved my mom to tears that day. You have forever made me want to be a better person! It’s people like you that re-instill my hope in humanity.)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3

Fast Food, Jerk | AB, Canada | Right | February 26, 2013


(I arrive at work an hour and a half early because I forgot what time I start. I decide to sit in the lobby and have lunch before my shift. I notice that the trash can is in dire need of being emptied and that the front counter is busier than usual. I start to tie the bag up, when a customer screeches at me.)

Customer: “What do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Just changing the garbage, ma’am. It was full to overflowing and it was too busy for someone to leave their post and do it.”

Customer: “You don’t have to do that, young man! You’re not one of these dropouts that lives in their parent’s basements who can’t do anything better with their lives! What are you taking?”

Me: “I’m planning on becoming an licensed practical nurse. But, ma’am, I don’t just go to school. I work to pay my bills. As a matter of fact, I live in a condo my mother owns. She does not live with me, and I pay rent to her. I pay for my electricity, my Internet, and my heating. How do I earn the money for this, you ask?”

(At this point I remove my hat from my bag, put it on and remove my coat, revealing that I am dressed in my work uniform.)

Me: “I work here, taking whatever hours I can get. A student without anything on their resume will take any job they can. ”

(I point to one of my coworkers who is mopping the floors at the back of the store.)

Me: “She’s a neuroscience student. Just like me she has bills to pay. In the future, please remember that people who work in fast food are not always drop outs, but more often than not students trying to fund their education. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take out this trash, unless you would like me to help extract your foot from your mouth first.”

(Flustered and obviously embarrassed, the customer leaves the store in a hurry. My manager, who is also a classmate of mine, speaks with me once I return from the dumpsters.)

Manager: “Technically, you could be fired for badmouthing a customer while on the job like that.”

Me: “Technically, I’m not working right now! I haven’t clocked in, and my shift’s not for another half hour.”

Manager: “Well then, brave citizen, how does free apple pie sound?”

(I accepted, of course. You just don’t say no to free pie

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3

Fast Food, Jerk | AB, Canada | Right | February 26, 2013


(I arrive at work an hour and a half early because I forgot what time I start. I decide to sit in the lobby and have lunch before my shift. I notice that the trash can is in dire need of being emptied and that the front counter is busier than usual. I start to tie the bag up, when a customer screeches at me.)

Customer: “What do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Just changing the garbage, ma’am. It was full to overflowing and it was too busy for someone to leave their post and do it.”

Customer: “You don’t have to do that, young man! You’re not one of these dropouts that lives in their parent’s basements who can’t do anything better with their lives! What are you taking?”

Me: “I’m planning on becoming an licensed practical nurse. But, ma’am, I don’t just go to school. I work to pay my bills. As a matter of fact, I live in a condo my mother owns. She does not live with me, and I pay rent to her. I pay for my electricity, my Internet, and my heating. How do I earn the money for this, you ask?”

(At this point I remove my hat from my bag, put it on and remove my coat, revealing that I am dressed in my work uniform.)

Me: “I work here, taking whatever hours I can get. A student without anything on their resume will take any job they can. ”

(I point to one of my coworkers who is mopping the floors at the back of the store.)

Me: “She’s a neuroscience student. Just like me she has bills to pay. In the future, please remember that people who work in fast food are not always drop outs, but more often than not students trying to fund their education. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take out this trash, unless you would like me to help extract your foot from your mouth first.”

(Flustered and obviously embarrassed, the customer leaves the store in a hurry. My manager, who is also a classmate of mine, speaks with me once I return from the dumpsters.)

Manager: “Technically, you could be fired for badmouthing a customer while on the job like that.”

Me: “Technically, I’m not working right now! I haven’t clocked in, and my shift’s not for another half hour.”

Manager: “Well then, brave citizen, how does free apple pie sound?”

(I accepted, of course. You just don’t say no to free pie

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 2

Restaurant | Henderson, SC, USA | Right | February 8, 2013


(I am out to breakfast with some friends from work.)

Me: “Excuse me, do you know if the cook uses milk to make the omelets or just eggs?”

Waitress: “Just eggs. Are you allergic to milk?”

Me: “No, but I am lactose intolerant and I forgot to bring my meds.”

(We all order our food. However, after the waitress leaves, I overhear someone from the table next to us asking for a manager.)

Other Customer: *loudly* “I want to complain about that waitress. I heard her interrogating that poor woman about her personal medical issues! I’m a doctor and I know you can’t just ask people about things like that! It’s against the law! She could sue you!”

Me: *to the other customer* “Excuse me, before things get out of hand here, I’m the person she’s talking about. First of all, our waitress asked if I had an allergy to milk. It was a good question considering I made a point of asking if some of your foods have milk in it. If I was really allergic, the kitchen would have to take extra precautions to avoid anaphylaxis. Secondly, there’s no such law that I know of unless you’re talking about the laws in place to protect your private health information from being accessed by other people without your permission. I don’t see how those would apply in this case.”

Other Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? What are you, some kind of lawyer, smarta**?”

My Friend: “No, ‘doctor,’ she’s some kind of nurse.”

(We all pulled out our hospital IDs. The “doctor” shut up after that. The manager thanked us for clearing things up and left, and our waitress gave us a free round of cheesecake with a free lactose-free muffin for me!)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World

Adorable Children, Medical Office, Nurse | TX, USA | Right | October 29, 2012


(My five-year-old son has received a serious injury to his eye. After a pediatrician recommends us to an eye doctor, we are referred to a specialist that works out of a university two hours away from home.)

Nurse: “These are all the contact numbers you should need. I also went online for some directions, and called ahead to let them know it should only be a few hours.”

Son: “I don’t want to.”

Nurse: “What’s the matter?”

Son: *visibly getting upset* “I’m scared.”

Nurse: “But you’ve been so brave this whole time! How about this: if you go see the new doctor, I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me if you get too upset, okay?”

(The nurse writes down her work extension and cell phone number on a piece of paper and adds it to my paperwork, insisting that I feel free to call if I have any problems or questions. My son stays calm all the way to the university and through the appointment with the specialist until we’re told he’s going to need surgery. Crying and upset, he begs me to call the nurse from the clinic.)

Me: *on the phone* “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re still working, but he’s really upset and asked to talk to you.”

(I put the phone on speakerphone so my son, crying on the exam table, can hear.)

Nurse: “Hey, buddy! What’s wrong?”

Son: *crying* “The doctor here wants to give me surgery!”

Nurse: “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’ll make your eye all better. You’ll be able to see again, like we talked about.”

Son: “But I’m scared! It’s going to hurt!”

Nurse: “Of course it’s not going to hurt. That nice doctor wouldn’t hurt you!”

Son: “Have you been given surgeries?”

Nurse: “Yeah, kiddo, a few.”

Son: “And you came back to life?”

Nurse: “Every single time.”

Son: “Promise?”

Nurse: “Swear.”

(My son has calmed down considerably throughout the conversation, and there’s not a dry eye in the room.)

Son: “Okay…”

Nurse: “See? I knew you were brave.”

Son: “Thank you! Love you!”

Nurse: *laughing* “Love you, too.”

(I thanked the nurse a thousand times, and she insisted I call her ASAP to let her know how the surgery went. Later that day, she texted us a picture of herself and her family with

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 6

Awesome Workers, Health & Body, Medical Office, Nurse | FL, USA | Working | December 9, 2013


(I’ve been sick this past week and I go to the clinic at nine am. They tell me they will call in the prescription at ten am. At two pm, I go to check the prescription.)

Pharmacist: “I have no prescription here under your name.”

Me: “The clinic said it would be ready by ten am. Let me call them.”

(I call the clinic.)

Me: “Hello. I have a prescription that hasn’t been put through yet. I need to make sure I am at the right pharmacy.”

(I am promptly transferred without a word to the women’s clinic line, which is the incorrect department. I am instructed to leave a message, as the nurses are out to lunch.)

Me: “Um, hi. I am [My Name]. I was just wondering where my prescription was sent. It’s not at the pharmacy and—” *I cough and my head immediately begins to ache terribly. I sniffle and tear up* “—if you could please help me that’d be nice.”

(I hang up and go home. At three pm I go to the clinic to verify the location of the pharmacy. They tell me the order has been sent, and to wait a couple hours. I go home yet again. At five pm I get a call from the women’s clinic number at which I left the message.)

Nurse: “Hello, is this [My Name]? You left a message a couple hours ago.”

Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, I was trying to find out where my prescription was. I already checked back with the clinic and they told me where the prescription would be.”

Nurse: “Everything’s all right, though? This is the wrong department for your call, but since you’ve had the prescription filled…”

Me: “Well… no… I called the pharmacy and the prescription still hasn’t been ordered yet.”

Nurse: “Oh. Let me get on that. I’ll make sure they get it filled out.”

Me: “Okay.”

Nurse: “I will call you back in a minute, sweetie.”

(The nurse hangs up and calls back a few minutes later.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ve gotten them to fill out your prescription and the pharmacy should have it soon. You are taking [Medicine], which is two pills twice a day. No matter how bad it is, take all of them. You can take decongestants and ibuprofen to deal with the congestion and pain. And, honey, popsicles are your best friends. Drink lots of fluids and warm tea, and get plenty of rest.”

(At this point, the nurse’s concern has caused me to tear up.)

Me: “Thank you so much! I’ve been dealing with this for a week.”

Nurse: “You just sound so sick, sweetie. I called the pharmacy and told them to work extra quick on your order. The pharmacist’s name is [Name]. She’ll have your prescription ready as soon as she can.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Nurse: “You feel better, honey.”

(To that nurse: You had me sobbing. You cared so much and it wasn’t even your department. You helped me and told me more about my medicine than the doctor in the CORRECT department did. I’m so grateful there are people as nice as you working in the women’s clinic!)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 7

Hospital | Gosford, NSW, Australia | Working | October 30, 2015


(I am pregnant and suffering from toxaemia, which is a form of blood poisoning. My blood pressure is extremely high and I have been admitted to hospital. I have been there for two weeks when my blood pressure goes even higher.)

Matron: “You have been scheduled for an emergency induction tomorrow morning; we can’t leave you like this for any longer.”

(Very early the next morning, she comes in and starts the preparation for the induction when a doctor comes in.)

Doctor: “[Matron], I need you to stop what you are doing. I need to speak to the patient. Please leave us alone.”

Matron: “Yes, doctor.” *leaves*

Doctor: *to me* “We are postponing your induction.”

Me: “But I’ve been told I have to have it.”

Doctor: “We’ve decided not to do it right now. It doesn’t really matter, seeing as this is elective.” *meaning I chose to have it done*

(He says nothing to reassure me and leaves. Later one of the nurses comes by.)

Nurse: “[My Name], what are you still doing here? I was sure you would have had your baby by now.”

Me: “Dr [Doctor] told me that it wasn’t being done, and told me it was elective.”

Nurse: “He said what? Did you elect to get pre-eclampsia? I’ll go and see what’s going on.”

(A few minutes later she is back.)

Nurse: “I found out why they postponed you. We only have four birthing rooms and there are a dozen screaming women down there waiting to get into them. You were considered stable enough to wait one more day”.

Me: “I would have understood if he said that.”

Nurse: “Yeah, doctors don’t think.”

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 10

Health & Body, Kind Strangers, Popular | UT, USA | Hopeless | June 13, 2016


(It’s my first day commuting to work off campus during summer term and I have a bike to get there. I’m feeling pretty good until three miles in, when it gets harder to keep going. All of a sudden, a van pulls over.)

Stranger: “Get in.”

Me: “I’m going to work and I really don’t—”

Stranger: “I’m a registered nurse and you’re showing signs of heat exhaustion. Get in now.”

(After stammering a bit, I let the RN put my bike in back and get me a water bottle.)

Me: “Thanks! I’m an out-of-state student so I’m not used to this heat.”

Stranger: “I get it. Do you need a ride home?”

(She showed up after my work and drove me home. I never saw her again, but I loved her.)

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 11

Health & Body, home, Nurse, Religion | WA, USA | Right | November 14, 2016


(I am an RN that goes around to people’s homes. I get an order to obtain a blood draw from a particularly religious patient who refuses to let me try anywhere except the tiny blood vessels in her hand. As I’m on my second attempt, apparently she thinks I need a little help…)

Patient: *loudly, with eyes closed* “Lord Jesus, help her find that blood! Send the blood to her Jesus; she needs your help! Draw her to that vein, oh Lord, and show your power!”

Me: *as I finally hit a vein* “Got it!”

Patient: “Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

Patient: “Not you.”

Me: “A little bit me

[florida80]

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 12

Medical Office, UK | Healthy | October 23, 2017


(This was a few years ago. I have made an appointment with a new GP to give me a contraceptive implant since I keep forgetting to take my pills and I want to be safe. This is my first time at this particular office.)

Doctor: “So I’m just going to numb the area first and then we’ll get the implant in there.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I roll up my sleeve and turn my head away.)

Doctor: “Are you all right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I just don’t like watching the needle go in. So I’m gonna look at that wall there.”

Doctor: “All right, then.”

(She then stuck the needle in and lifted the skin of my arm up with the needle as she removed it. When she apologized she attempted to do it again. Both times were quite painful but thankfully the needle didn’t break and the rest of the appointment went fine.)

Doctor: “Again, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened there. Maybe if you didn’t have such tiny arms!”

(Three years later I went to get my implant replaced. This time I got a nurse to do it. She did it completely pain free on the first try. I guess my tiny arms weren’t a problem for the nurse.)

[florida80]

Making Some Piercing Assumptions

Health & Body, Medical Office, Parents/Guardians, USA | Healthy | October 23, 2017


(My mother and I are out for lunch on my twentieth birthday. I’ve been wanting to get my navel pierced for a while, so when we pass a tattoo and piercing parlor I go in to check it out. It’s very clean and on the up and up, so Mom offers to pay for the piercing right then and there, and we get it done. Around this same time, I have to go in for an MRI on my right knee to see why it’s hurting so much lately. Mom and I are currently attending the same college, so I’m living at home to save money. Mom drives me to the appointment. She brings her homework and spreads it out all over the table and the surrounding seats, as there are a lot of seats and almost no people.)

Doctor: “[My Last Name]?”

Me: *jumping up* “Right here!”

(Mom begins to pack up her schoolwork.)

Me: *quickly* “Oh, no, that’s fine; you don’t need to come back! Just keep working on your project.”

Mom: *laughs* “I keep forgetting you’re an adult now.”

(I go back with the doctor and, all of a sudden, remember that I’m now pierced.)

Me: “Oh. Oh, jeeze.”

Doctor: “What?”

Me: “Well… see, I know the rules about MRIs and metal, but I just realized that I have a fresh piercing that I can’t take out yet… uh… this is going to be a problem, isn’t it?”

Doctor: “Not if we only scan your knee. May I see it?”

(I lift up my shirt to show him my piercing.)

Doctor: “Are you cleaning it?”

Me: “Twice a day with soap, water, and hydrogen peroxide.”

Doctor: *starts going through his desk* “We get a lot of kids with piercings that they don’t take care of and it can get real ugly, you know.”

Me: “Oh, I know. I got my ears done when I was six. And eight.”

(The doctor gives me a handful of individually wrapped sanitary wipes.)

Doctor: “Here, you can use these to keep the area clean.” *pause* “So, does your mother know about the piercing?”

Me: “What? Oh! Yes; yes, she does. She’s the one who got it for me. I only told her to stay because I didn’t want her to have to pack everything up, that’s all.”

(The doctor looks suspicious.)

Me: “Honest!”

(I change into the hospital gown and the procedure goes well. I get a little more lecturing about how to clean a piercing, and to always make sure to go to a reputable place that uses sterile equipment, before the doctor leads me out. When we’re both in the waiting room, I turn to Mom.)

Me: “Hey, Mom, tell the doctor who bought my navel piercing.”

Mom: “Um… I did?”

(The doctor laughed. Then believed me, and sent me home to await the results.)

[florida80]

Allergic To Your Attitude

England, Medical Office, Teenagers, UK, York | Healthy | October 23, 2017


(I have an itchy, raised lump on my leg, surrounded by a rash that is not getting better, so I go to see my doctor. I am 22.)

Doctor: “It looks to me like an allergy. I’ll give you these [Allergy Tablets] and if it is not better in a few days, come back.”

Me: “Don’t those tablets contain cetirizine dihydrochloride? I’m allergic to it.”

Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous! Cetirizine dihydrochloride STOPS allergies. It’s impossible to be allergic to it!”

Me: “I was diagnosed by the allergy clinic at [Hospital]. It should be on my file? I know it sounds counter intuitive but I was tested for every ingredient in the tablets and that is the only one that came back positive. I can’t take it.”

Doctor: “You CANNOT be allergic to it. That isn’t physically possible.”

Me: “I took a hay fever tablet with cetirizine dihydrochloride in it and had a rash on my face and my neck. I was referred to the allergy clinic and they said that’s what caused it.”

Doctor: “I know you’re just trying to be special, but fine, I’ll look.”

(The doctor looks at my file and finds the letter saying I’m allergic to cetirizine dihydrochloride. He then prints and signs the prescription and gives it to me.)

Doctor: *leans right in to my face* “Just take the tablets and stop making such a fuss! You little girls, you stupid BABIES, and your little made up illnesses. Teenagers! Can’t do anything, the idiots. Get a grip and take the tablets. It is impossible to be allergic to the medication that stops allergies. Grow up and stop wasting my time!”

(I took the prescription as proof and reported what happened to the receptionist, who was very angry at the doctor. The doctor was reported to the GMC (General Medical Council). Another doctor treated my itchy leg without giving me cetirizine dihydrochloride. I was eventually diagnosed with a bee-sting allergy.)

[florida80]

It’s Called Healthyitis

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician | | Healthy Right | April 16, 2009


Me: “Thank you for waiting, my name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “… you are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

[florida80]

Flattery, The Best Medicine

Emergency Services, Health & Body, Medication, Respect Your Elders | | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008


(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”

[florida80]

Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project

Crazy Requests, Great Stuff, Health & Body, Hospital | | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008


(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

[florida80]

Oh, Dear…

Chicago, Funny Names, Illinois, Office, Party, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | July 10, 2019


(One of my coworkers got married, and a few weeks later he is still very much in his honeymoon phase. Everyone in the office has heard about when he met her, when they started dating, and when they got engaged through passing comments during casual conversations, but none of us has ever met her. He decides to attend a work party and bring his wife along. The running gag all night long is his overuse of terms of endearment.)

Coworker: “Darling, can you come here?”

Coworker: “Love, come meet my manager!”

Coworker: “Did you find your phone, sweetheart?’

Coworker: “I’m just going to run to the car, babe.”

Coworker: “Honey, have you seen my keys?”

Coworker: “Sweetie, can I borrow your phone?”

Coworker: “I can’t find my wallet, dear.”

Coworker: “Sugar, can you hand me that glass?”

Coworker: “Oh, angel! Come meet [Other Coworker]!”

Coworker: “Hey, lover, what time do you want to head out?”

(Eventually…)

Wife: “[Coworker]! Do you even know my name?!”

(I feel like I have to mention that she said it jokingly. They’ve been married for about seven years now, and he still prefers pet names. I wish them the best!)

[florida80]

Love Makes Fools Of Us All

Crush, Long Distance, Love/Romance, Pennsylvania, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | | Romantic | July 8, 2019


(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.”

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

[florida80]

The Mother Of All Awkward Goodbyes

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Love/Romance, Minnesota, Parents/Guardians, USA, Young Love | | Romantic | July 7, 2019


(I’ve just met my daughter’s boyfriend for the first time after they’ve been dating for over a year, and he’s just brought us home from lunch with his parents. I’m in the back seat and the kids are saying goodbye, and there’s a fairly intense look between them.)

Boyfriend: *suddenly turning around* “Well, it was nice to finally meet you.”

Me: *taking the hint* “You, too.”

(I get out of the car and go to the door to wait for her.)

Me: *once she’s joined me* “Tell him I don’t mind if you kiss in front of me, but I appreciate the subtlety

[florida80]

All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

Australia, Family & Kids, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | | Romantic | July 5, 2019


(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

[florida80]

All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

Australia, Family & Kids, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | | Romantic | July 5, 2019


(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

[florida80]

Stranger Things Have Happened

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Movies & TV, USA | | Romantic | July 4, 2019


(I’m sitting In my room, watching a popular TV show that had a third season come out of July 4th. Just as things start falling off walls and flying around in the show, a photo flies of my wall and falls to the floor making a huge noise.)

My Boyfriend: “Will?!”

Me: “If that light starts flickering, I’m sleeping at your place tonight…”

[florida80]

Gut-Wrenching Puns

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Punny, USA | |
Romantic | July 4, 2019

Boyfriend: *playing a video game on his phone* “I livered—“ *leveled* “—up!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidney-ing me.”

Boyfriend: *silence*

Me: “That joke wasn’t organ-ic?”

[florida80]

Take A Hint, Not A Sample

Comeuppance, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Harassment, USA | | Romantic | July 2, 2019


(I hand out samples at a grocery store. There is an undercover security officer who always comes by and hits on me, despite the numerous times I’ve told him I am not interested. Today, the store is super busy but nobody seems to want any of my samples. Then, I see him coming.)

Security: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: *annoyed* “Fine.”

Security: “Oh, don’t be sad. I’m here. You need a hug?” *opens his arms*

Me: “No.”

Security: “How about a smile? Science says you’ll feel better if you smile.”

Me: “No.”

Security: *picking up a sample cup* “That’s okay. You’re still pretty even when you’re mad.”

Me: *silent*

Security: “I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I’m starving! Are these candies or antacids or something? Berry flavored, right?”

Me: *glances at the bottle on the table* “They’re actually—“

Security: “So, lots of customers today?” *takes another sample cup*

Me: “No.”

Security: “Who could walk by you and not want to say hi?”

Me: *shrugs*

Security: “I’d spend all day here if I could.” *takes two more samples*

Me: *silent*

Security: “But I was also thinking about dinner and a movie tonight.” *takes another sample* “What do you think?”

Me: “I think you just ate five fiber tablets on an empty stomach.” *points to the bottle on the table*

(He looked panicked for a minute, then walked away without another word. I heard from one of the store employees that he spent quite a while in the bathroom that day.)

[florida80]

Because Men And Women Can’t Just Be Friends

Bowling Alley, Flirting, Friends, Harassment, USA | | Romantic | July 1, 2019


(A large group of us goes bowling one night after church. There are some new people in our group, including one particular guy who has decided to follow me around all night, attempting to enter every conversation I’m in. I’ve been able to avoid being alone with him so far, but when one friend gets up to take her turn, he slides into her seat.)

New Guy: “So, you’re [My Name], right?”

Me: “That’s me.”

New Guy: “I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but you’re pretty popular around here.”

Me: “And your name is…?”

New Guy: “Oh, sorry. I’m [New Guy]. It’s my first time. Do you guys always do big group stuff like this?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. It’s more fun that way.”

New Guy: *scoots closer* “So, are you single? Because I’d love to get to know you better…”

Me: “Um…”

(In one of those rare and perfectly-timed moments, one of my guy friends hops over the bench we’re sitting on and plants himself between me and the new guy.)

Guy Friend: “[My Name], what’s up? I feel like I haven’t talked to you all night. How’s life? How’s your bowling score?”

Me: “You know very well that you’re going to kick my butt, as always!”

Guy Friend: “Let it be known that you said it, I didn’t.” *turns to the new guy* “How’s it going, bro? Don’t think we’ve met. I’m [Guy Friend].”

New Guy: “Oh, fine. I get it.” *gets up and walks away*

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you have insanely good

[florida80]

Meet-Cute At The Checkout

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cashier, Convenience Store, Ignoring & Inattentive, LGBTQ, Love/Romance, USA | | Romantic | June 29, 2019


(My boyfriend has traveled to America to visit me. While checking out at a shop, he and the cashier are making conversation about that.)

Cashier: “So, what brings you to America?”

Boyfriend: “Him.” *points at me*

Cashier: “That’s nice. Are you planning on doing anything special here?”

Boyfriend: “Not really. I’m just going to relax and spend some time with my sweetie.”

Cashier: “Ooh, did you meet a cute girl here?”

Boyfriend: “No, him.” *points at me again*

Cashier: “…”

Cashier: “OHHHH.”

(We all laughed about it.)

[florida80]

How… Romantic?

Coworkers, Gift Shop, Love/Romance, Massachusetts, USA | | Romantic | June 28, 2019


(A coworker and I are restocking greeting cards by section. I am working on the “love” cards.)

Me: *holding up a card and reading the text aloud* “‘True love is life’s greatest adventure!’”

Coworker: “Nah, true love is s***ting with the door open.”

(Dear greeting card companies, I’ve got a pitch for you!)

[florida80]

Coffee Isn’t Great For Your Tum

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, home, USA | | Romantic | June 23, 2019


(One morning before work, I wake up with bad acid reflux. After a while of trying ice and other home remedies, I ask my boyfriend to run up to the gas station and get me some Tums. He agrees and asks if I need anything else)

Me: “Yes! Coffee!”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Me: “You know what? Never mind.”

[florida80]

Bullet: Dodged

Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Dating, Great Stuff, Liars/Scammers, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | June 20, 2019


(In college, I go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. I have a bad feeling about it, but I brush it off and tell myself it’s just nerves. The night of the date, he is supposed to arrive at 6:00 pm. By 6:10, I start to wonder if I’ve been stood up. At 6:30, I call him.)

Date: “Hello?”

Me: “Um, hi, this is [My Name].”

Date: “Oh, hey! Look, yeah, I’m on my way. My mom was late getting home so I had to wait for her car.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll meet you out front?”

Date: “Yeah, I’ll be there soon.”

(Another fifteen minutes go by and a minivan pulls up in front of my house. My date flips on the overhead light and beckons me to hop in.)

Date: “All right! Hi! Nice to meet you. Wow, you are gorgeous!”

Me: “Oh. Um, well, thank you. You… you look nice, too.”

Date: “So, I was thinking about [Fancy Sushi Restaurant].”

Me: “I love sushi! I’ve never been to [Fancy Sushi Restaurant], though.”

Date: “You’ll love it.”

(We arrive and are seated immediately. The waiter comes by and my date orders a bottle of wine — “the best you’ve got” — and we each order two rolls of sushi, 12 pieces each.)

Me: “So, you’re an art major.”

Date: “I dropped out. I don’t think I need a state-sanctioned education to understand art. You know?”

Me: “Art is subjective, anyway. Something that makes you laugh might scare the pants off someone else.”

Date: *dead stare* “No. Not like that at all.”

Me: “Oh.”

Date: “It’s fine; you don’t have to understand.”

(I get the feeling he’s patronizing me, and as the night goes on, the feeling gets stronger. I try to remain polite, but then this happens.)

Date: “I mean, seriously, a female manager is a joke. A man is going to talk to the customers because they’ll see him as an authority figure.”

Me: “I’ve seen plenty of authoritative female managers.”

Date: *laughs* “They’re not called ‘wo-managers’!”

Me: “Okay. Um, I think it’s time to go home.”

Date: “Aren’t you enjoying your night?”

Me: “I’d like to go home.”

Date: *sigh* “Fine.” *waves for the check*

(The check comes and he picks it up to examine the charges. Then, he puts it down and begins patting down his coat pockets.)

Date: “Oh, man. You’re not going to believe this.”

Me: “What?”

Date: “I don’t have my wallet. I think I left it at home.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Date: “Yeah! Oh. Sorry.” *slides the check to me*

(I look at it and see that our four rolls of sushi and a bottle of wine are nearly $100! I try not to react but I’m in shock. I put down my card and we wait for the receipt.)

Me: “Wow. This place is fancy, huh?”

Date: “Yeah. The best of everything!”

Me: *tight smile* “Mmhmm.”

(We ride home in awkward silence. On the way, he pulls into a gas station, parks in a spot, and hops out. Confused, I sit there waiting. A few minutes later, he comes back out and pulls a new pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.)

Me: “Um… So… You found your wallet?”

Date: *lighting up* “Huh? Oh! Yeah, I guess so.”

Me: “So, where was it?”

Date: “In my coat pocket! Crazy, huh?”

Me: “Yeah. Crazy.”

(When we got back to my house, he leaned in for a kiss but I declined and jumped out. The next day, he sent me a text saying he didn’t think it would work out between us because I was just too uptight and he didn’t think I could carry on a stimulating conversation with him. What a loss.)

[florida80]

This Had Better Not Be Their Only Birth Control Method

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Family & Kids, Health & Body, home, Silly, USA | | Romantic | June 17, 2019


(My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and we both chose independently before we even met that neither of us wants biological children. I recently started a new job, and out of about 90 employees I am one of two that has no children, and three of my coworkers are actively pregnant. After I’ve been there for a month, we hire another person who is pregnant. I tell my boyfriend about the new hire after her first day.)

Me: “We got someone new today, [New Coworker].”

Boyfriend: “Oh, neat. How is she?”

Me: “She’s so nice! And heavily pregnant.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Not regularly pregnant? She’s ‘heavily’ pregnant, specifically?”

Me: *laughs* “Very specifically. She’s due on [date about two months ahead]. But she has a small frame, so she looks huge.”

Boyfriend: “Didn’t you say someone else has that due date, too?”

Me: “Yup! [Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]. And [Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] just went on maternity; her baby is due this weekend. Plus, [Coworker #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ] is gonna pop in the next couple of weeks. I’m surprised she hasn’t left already.”

Boyfriend: “Jesus, that’s so many pregnant people in one spot.”

Me: *in a goofy “spooky” voice* “They’re communicating… and gathering.”

(He gives me a funny look at this point, so I say:)

Me: “What? What’s that face for?”

Boyfriend: “Don’t get any big ideas, now.”

Me: *pointing to my head* “Hey, it’s not this part of me that you need to tell that to! You need to tell this* part of me!” *pointing at my lower tummy*

(He bends over and puts his ear to my stomach, and pokes me.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t go getting any big, hormonal ideas!”

Me: “You know, it does take at least two people to make a pregnancy happen; don’t put all this on me.”

(He thinks for a second, and then pulls back and points accusingly at his own groin.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t you dare to get any big ideas, mister!”

[florida80]

[The Title-Writer Is Taking A Pizza-Rito Break; Back In Five]

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, Pizza, Silly, USA | | Romantic | June 16, 2019


(My boyfriend and I share a tight pod of friends with whom we play D&D and board games once or twice a week. Before we start gaming, we usually go out to dinner, and one of our favorite restaurants is a line-style “build-your-own-pizza” place that makes individually-sized custom pizzas. One of our friends is the guy who’s always carrying something random for whatever reason; in this case, it’s a pack of flour tortillas.)

Boyfriend: *takes a bite of his pizza, a clump of toppings slide off* “I’m really loving the choices I made tonight; I just wish they would stay on the actual pizza.”

Me: “You should put one of [Friend]’s tortillas on the plate so the toppings fall into the tortilla, and then you’ll have a pizza-rito after you finish the pizza.”

Boyfriend: *head snapping up to stare at me for a moment* “YOU BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!” *to [Friend]* “You see why I wanna marry her, right?!”

Friend: *laughing* “So, you want a tortilla?”

([Boyfriend] gave me a huge kiss on the cheek and took a tortilla. Turns out, pizza-ritos are awesome!)

[florida80]

“D***, Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather!”

Dating, Extra Stupid, Flirting, Outdoors, Texas, USA | | Romantic | June 15, 2019


(When my parents are dating, my dad is very shy about trying to “make a move,” so my mom tries to hurry things along. She convinces him to go outside and look at the full moon on a cold night.)

Mom: “My hands are cold.” *moves closer to my dad*

Dad: “Why don’t you put your hands in your pocket?”

(They eventually got it together and have been married for 46 years. So, when I started dating a guy I really liked, one of our early dates was to a football game that was really cold. He had also been shy about “making a move,” so I tried moving closer and saying that I was cold. He got up and went to the concession stand for hot chocolate. We’ve been married for three years

[florida80]

He Was In Arizona All Along

Arizona, Awesome, Great Stuff, Mall, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 14, 2019


(While we’re at the mall, I sit down at a table to take a break while my wife wanders off to look in [National Candle Store Chain]. When she comes back, she is grinning and can barely contain her laughter.)

Me: “What are you laughing at?”

Wife: “Well, I saw a post on the Internet about a specific candle scent. Apparently, someone claimed it smelled like the perfect man. The post has a lot of replies with variations on the theme of, ‘I went and smelled it, and you were right; it is the scent of the perfect man!’ So, I was curious and had to go smell it myself.”

Me: “And? What did it smell like?”

Wife: “You!”

Me: *confused* “What?”

Wife: “It is the same scent as your body wash!”

(I don’t mean to brag, but… I have multiple people on the Internet claiming that I’m the perfect man. I still tease my wife about this.)

[florida80]

A Short-Lived Romance

Bizarre, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Montreal, Quebec, Roommates | | Romantic | June 13, 2019


(This story happened to my father in the 70s, before cellphones and Internet. While going to university, he lived with three roommates; the first two were fairly regular guys, but the third one, well… He was a weird, eccentric guy, and a bit of an idiot. One night, my father and the weird roommate are the only ones at the apartment. My father comes out of his room to go to the kitchen and sees that the roommate is on the phone.)

Roommate: “Hi, can I speak to [Name]?” *pause* “A wrong number? Didn’t I call [Number]?”

(My father thinks nothing of it and goes back to his room. A few minutes later, he hears guitar playing and singing, so he goes to investigate. He comes out of his room and sees his roommate sitting on a bench, playing guitar, and singing with the phone lying on the counter, pointing towards him. Then, after two or three minutes of this, the roommate picks up the phone and talks a bit with the person on the other side, wishes them farewell, and hangs up.)

Father: “What was that all about? Why the heck were you playing guitar on a phone call?”

Roommate: “Oh, yeah! Funny story. I dialed the wrong number, and then I chatted a bit with the girl who answered the phone. We’re about the same age, and I asked her if she knew [Artist], and then I offered to sing one of their songs.”

Father: *incredulous* “And she said yes?”

Roommate: “Yes, of course! So, I sang to her, and she said she liked it.”

(My father starts thinking, “I can’t believe he actually found someone as crazy as himself!”)

Father: “So, when will you see her?”

Roommate: “What do you mean?”

Father: “Dude, if she lets you sing to her after you called a wrong number, surely she’s interested in you. Didn’t you ask for her number?”

Roommate: “Oh, I didn’t think about that.”

(And that’s how that weird roommate finally realized that he had managed to charm a complete stranger on a wrong phone number call, and ultimately screwed it up because he was so oblivious.)

[florida80]

That Relationship Was Over In A Flash

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, College & University, Dorm, Fights/Breakups, Great Stuff, Non-Dialogue, Rude & Risque, USA | | Romantic | June 12, 2019


A boy I dated in college thought it was great fun to try to get girls to flash him while he and his friends were driving down the highway. He never did it while I was in the car because that was disrespectful to me. But when he was with his buddies, it was okay because that’s what boys do. I tried to explain that it really wasn’t acceptable behavior, but he brushed me off. (Yes, I know, I should have dumped him right there, but I was young and dumb.)

The day after this conversation, he came to my dorm room to study before going out with his buddies. I asked if he intended to play this flash game again, to which he angrily replied that it wasn’t a big deal and I was overreacting. To quote him, “Tits are tits. You have them. So what?”

His friends arrived and crowded into my room, ready to go on their adventure. Before they left, I asked for everyone’s attention and lifted my shirt, showing my breasts to my boyfriend and all of his friends.

They cheered and clapped. He was livid. How could I do something so trashy? Why was I being such a w****? Did I want to bang all of his friends? What was wrong with me?

I stood there calmly waiting for him to run out of air before I replied, “So, you can look at other girls, but other guys can’t look at me?”

He gaped like a fish out of water while his friends stood there in awkward silence. I told him if he thought his game was acceptable, I was going to continue showing off my body to anyone who asked. He stormed out without saying another word.

When he returned that evening, he said he was willing to forgive me if I promised to never act like that again. I shut the door in his face.

[florida80]

Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster Walk Into A Furniture Store…

home, Math & Science, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 11, 2019


(My husband and I are following a set of instructions that include the phrase, “Press gently, but very firmly.” We are getting frustrated by the fact that, a) it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and b) they haven’t elaborated more on HOW gently, HOW firmly, etc. It should be noted that my husband is a mechanical engineer.)

Husband: “Just how firmly do they mean?”

Me: *somewhat snarky* “’Press gently, but with a force of however many PSI…’”

(PSI stands for “Pounds per Square Inch.”)

Husband: “No, PSI would be too large for something this small. I don’t have anywhere near an inch to push on here.”

Me: “Okay… How about PS-half-inch? PS-quarter-inch?”

Husband: “That’s not going to work, either. You probably need something in metric measurements. They scale down more easily.”

Me: *a bit snarky again* “Okay, fine. PSCM? Pounds per square centimeter?”

(My husband got a horrified look on his face and told me this was why I was not an engineer. Apparently, one cannot mix metric and imperial units quite as easily as I thought. I assumed that there would be an equation that could calculate it, but apparently, such an equation would be a massive pain to work with.)

[florida80]

This Relationship Sounds Exhausting But Really Sweet

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Great Stuff, Gym, Long Distance, Non-Dialogue, Texas, USA | | Romantic | June 10, 2019


A friend of mine is in a long-distance relationship. They are both extremely athletic and competitive. A local gym holds a 1-2-3-4 challenge each year. You swim one mile, run two miles, bike three miles, and then do a series of four exercises: 100 pushups, 100 situps, 100 pullups, and 100 squats. It’s a charity event, people can compete in teams or individually, and a lot of people dress up.

My friend and his girlfriend often exercise “together” by video chatting from their home gyms while working out, using Bluetooth headsets to call while running, and sharing their Fitbit data, etc. She says she’ll do the challenge “with him.”

Come the day of the challenge, my friend is frustrated when he can’t get hold of her, but he decides to still go as hard as he can, hoping to be the first to finish/win the challenge.

He ends up coming second to someone dressed as a chicken.

It’s the end of the challenge, and most people are lying around exhausted, my friend included. He’s also super frustrated that he still can’t get a hold of his girlfriend and that not only did he lose, but he lost to a chicken.

He tries calling his girlfriend again, and when he can’t get hold of her, he turns to me and loudly asks, “Why isn’t she answering?!”

At this point, the chicken pulls her head off and answers, “Because I was busy kicking your a**!”

I’ve never seen someone go from exhausted and frustrated to elated so quickly. He jumps up and hugs her, spinning her round.

He then grabs her hand and pulls her out of the gym, and I hear her giggle and say, “Told you I would do the work out with you!”

[florida80]

Attack Of The Snail Spiders

Camp, Pets & Animals, Saint Lucia, Silly, South Africa, Spouses & Partners | | Romantic | June 9, 2019


Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

[florida80]

Bridezilla: The Prequel

Bad Behavior, home, Massachusetts, Non-Dialogue, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wedding | | Romantic | June 6, 2019


My husband had a falling-out with his former best friend after the guy cheated on our other best friend. (She found him in bed with another woman and immediately left him.) Then, the woman he cheated with got pregnant. My husband has described this woman as “crazy,” “abusive,” and “manipulative.” He’s 99% sure she got pregnant just to keep her boyfriend from leaving. She drank alcohol during her pregnancy, and was seen in public with her baby, clearly under the influence.

At one point, she threw something heavy at her boyfriend’s head, giving him a black eye. She’s also a pathological liar, constantly telling everyone that she and her boyfriend got together after he had already broken up with his ex when everyone knows what really happened — the guy admits it.

Now this couple has decided to get married even though the guy clearly doesn’t want to be with her and had tried to get back together with his ex several times.

It’s the day before their wedding, and my husband asks him, “So, are you really going through with it?”

His reply: “Oh, yeah, she’s acting okay now.”

What a touching proclamation of love! Just what every bride wants to hear her husband say!

[florida80]

It’s Not About The F****** Eggs

Bad Behavior, Employees, Spouses & Partners, Tacoma, Taxi, USA, Washington | | Romantic | June 3, 2019


(I live south of an airport that spans two major metropolitan areas. Since I don’t have a car, anytime I need to travel, I’ll take a rideshare up to the airport. It helps if I can split the cost, but on this particular day I call the rideshare by myself and get in alone.)

Driver: “Oh, you’re going to the airport today. Is [Airline] the right stop? Where are you flying?”

Me: “Yeah, [Airline]’s the right one. I’m just going back home for the holidays to visit my family.”

Driver: “How horrible. My wife makes me visit her family all the time.”

Me: “I don’t really mind it, actually. I haven’t seen them in a while since we live in different states, so it’ll be nice to visit with them again.”

Driver: “Right. Whatever. I just hate when she makes me do stuff like that.”

Me: “Yeah… families can be a lot, I guess.”

(I’m uncomfortable with the turn the conversation has taken, so I pretend to be on my phone for a bit. Fortunately, the car isn’t silent, since the driver has the radio on. Unfortunately, after about five minutes he turns up the volume — way up. It’s heavy metal music, and the lyrics are both sexually explicit and profane. I’m trying my best to ignore it when the music is cut off by a shrill ringing. The driver swears, almost swerves into another lane, and then presses a button on his phone. It’s not a call; he’s FaceTiming someone with his phone volume all the way up. He doesn’t turn the music down, either, so when he starts talking he’s practically screaming.)

Driver: “Hey, honey!”

Driver’s Wife: “Where are you? I thought that was your last ride?”

Driver: “Yeah, I’m just going to the airport.”

Driver’s Wife: “What?! The airport?! But you still need to get groceries!”

Driver: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING THEM!”

Driver’s Wife: “No, you moron. I’m picking up the f****** kids!”

Driver: “Well, you didn’t tell me not to go to the airport!”

Driver’s Wife: “I didn’t think I needed to tell you not to go all the way up to f****** Seattle. My parents are coming tonight, you f****** moron, and we’re all out of f****** eggs!”

Driver: “Well, I’m already driving there, so you can’t f****** expect me to just dump my passenger by the side of the road or something, you stupid b****! You should’ve told me this morning!”

Driver’s Wife: “Told you?! Told you?! Are you a grown-a** man, or are you a f****** child?!”

(The driver is gesticulating angrily by this point, swerving all over the place, and nearly hitting several other cars. He continues arguing with his wife for another twenty minutes or so, both of their voices steadily increasing in pitch as the conversation goes on.)

Driver: WHO THE F*** DO YOU THINK GIVES YOU THE MONEY FOR YOUR F****** EGGS, YOU GREEDY B****?!”

Driver’s Wife: “You?! Give me money?! You useless, unemployed son-of-a-b****! You can’t even afford–“

(By coincidence, my phone dings, and the wife goes quiet… for all of two seconds.)

Driver’s Wife: “Do you have a f****** passenger in there?! Am I on speaker?!”

Driver: “Uh… oh, here, um, your gate—“

(He swung across three lanes of traffic, pulling to the curb in front of a completely different airline than the one I was flying with. He pressed the button to unlock my door and waved at me to get out. I got out by myself, pulled my own bags out of the trunk, and nearly got hit when he tore away. And the whole time, from just outside the car, I could still hear both his music and his wife’s screeching in crystal-clear sound. Oh, and since the airline he’d dropped me off at was on the completely wrong side of the airport, I ended up missing my flight. But hey… at least his wife got her f****** eggs.)

[florida80]

The Volvo Auto Shop Is Getting A Lot Of Weird Questions Lately

British Columbia, Canada, Health & Body, home, Spouses & Partners | | Romantic | May 29, 2019


(I’m reading a health magazine while my husband and I are eating breakfast.)

Me: *reading from magazine* “Who can you ask if you have questions about the care of your vulva?”

Husband: “A vulva mechanic?”

[florida80]

Mating Fall

Florida, home, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | May 22, 2019


(My husband and I are relaxing one evening on the couch, chit-chatting here and there. Then, suddenly, I let out an impressive — no less than five seconds — belch. My husband gives me a look, trying not to laugh.)

Me: *without missing a beat* “It’s my mating call.”

Husband: *bursts out laughing*

Me: *laughs with him* “Answer me, d*** it!”

Husband: *lets out the most pathetic little burp*

Me: “You’re lucky your plumage is acceptable.”

[florida80]

It’s Still In The Car Somewhere… Breeding

Bad Behavior, Car, Engaged, Non-Dialogue, USA | | Romantic | May 18, 2019


My fiancé and I are traveling across the country. It is nighttime and I am driving down the interstate. My fiancé is dozing in the passenger seat and I have my arm outstretched with my hand on his knee and the air blowing directly on me. I have fairly long hair and it tends to get everywhere.

I began feeling a tickling sensation along my arm and figured it was a hair, so I pulled my hand back and tried to pull the hair away so it wasn’t bothering me. This happened a few more times before I managed to find the culprit: a daddy long legs spider. I screamed, threw the spider — at my poor fiancé — and jerked the wheel a bit. He, in turn, got angry with me until I started asking him to make sure the spider was dead, and he told me it was and that it had ended up in the backseat. We continued on our trip and had a great time together.

However, a few weeks later I asked him about it again and he told me that he had no clue where the spider had gone and he had just wanted me to not kill us due to freaking out over a spider. It still makes me shudder more than six months later.

[florida80]

Frozen In Your Stubbornness

Car, Florida, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | | Romantic | May 16, 2019


(I drive my partner to and from work so I can have the car all day. Our car doesn’t have a roof, so it can get pretty cold when it’s windy. This is fine in the summer. When autumn rolls around, however…)

Me: “Do you want to take a jacket?”

Partner: “Nah. It’s only a 15-minute ride. I’ll be fine.”

(My partner is shivering by the time we get there. Nine hours later…)

Me: *on the phone* “I can bring you a jacket.”

Partner: “Nope!”

Me: “It’s evening. It’s going to be much colder.”

Partner: “I’m fine!”

(My partner shivers the whole way and wraps up in a blanket when we get home. I eventually stop asking; I figured my partner will break faster if it isn’t “my” idea to bring a jacket. Two weeks later…)

Partner: “Oh, and don’t let me forget to grab a jacket!”

Me: “I thought you said it wasn’t needed for a 15-minute ride?”

Partner: *sheepish* “I… may have been a bit stubborn…”

Me: *hugs* “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself now. I don’t nag because I hate you, you know. It’s not a contest.”

Partner: “I know…”

[florida80]

Good Looks But Terrible Memory

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | | Romantic | May 14, 2019


(My boyfriend hits his head and concusses himself in mysterious circumstances. He was housesitting alone; later sleuthing led me to the conclusion that he fainted, which he’s prone to occasionally, and hit his lower forehead directly on the edge of a high counter. His nose is also broken. I sit in the emergency room with him as he’s given care. He’s lost his memory temporarily and every few minutes he starts wondering anew why he’s there.)

Boyfriend: “What’s… What’s happening? Where are we?”

Me: “At the emergency room at [Hospital], love. You hit your head and you have a concussion. We don’t know just how it happened.”

Boyfriend: “Oh… Wow. My nose hurts.”

Me: “Yeah, you broke your nose, as well.”

Boyfriend: *with a rueful grin* “Oh, no! My classic good looks!”

(Five minutes later he gets confused again, starts asking again, I explain the concussion, we don’t know what happened, the broken nose…)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no! My classic good looks!”

(This repeated, I kid you not, at least 25 times. We’ve now been married 12 years. How could I resist? He has a sense of humor AND classic good looks!)

[florida80]

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 23

College & University, Dorm | ON, Canada | Romantic | April 15, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are working on our respective papers in one of our school’s quiet study rooms. This is at a point where he is very absorbed in his work. He knows I’m an avid Pokémon fan.)

Me: “I love you!”

Boyfriend: “Ditto.”

Me: “…That’s a Pokémon, darlin’.”

Boyfriend: *pauses, then laughs* “I love you, too.”

Me: “That’s better.”

[florida80]

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 24

home | Annapolis, MD, USA | Romantic | May 16, 2016


(I have been dating a girl, and we really like each other. As my best friend has just gotten engaged, I have had some idle thoughts on the matter, which I am relaying to my best friend. My girlfriend, my best friend, and I are all avid Pokémon fans.)

Me: “So you know how my ‘spirit Pokémon’ is a Mew? Well, [Girlfriend]’s is a Growlithe. Which made me think one day, if ever it got to that point. If ever I do propose, I won’t be using a normal diamond ring or anything. I’ll use a Fire Opal in the ring. So it’s a Fire Stone.”

Friend: “Oh, my god! You’re hopeless!”

Me: “Thank you.”

[florida80]

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 25

home | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | June 14, 2016


(I have just come home from an annual anime convention that I’ve been attending for eight years, and my boyfriend has come over to see me and join my family for dinner. I’ve always been an avid Pokémon fan, while he’s not. We have a running joke where I tell him I’m going to convert him, and he tells me that he still has his soul.)

Me: *showing him everything I bought at the convention* “Look! I got a shiny Ditto plushie!”

Boyfriend: “Ditto?”

Me: “SHINY Ditto! You know how rare that is?”

Boyfriend: *takes plushie* “THIS is a Pokémon?”

Me: “Yes! That’s Ditto! It’s usually pink, but the shiny version is blue. You know your chance of encountering a shiny is 1 in 8192! So it’s super rare!”

Boyfriend: “Babe…. You’re geeking out over a shiny dildo?”

Me: *laughing* “Woah, woah, woah! [Boyfriend]!”

Boyfriend: *sputtering* “Ditto! I meant Ditto!”

Dad: *off to the side, cracking up, laughing to himself*

Me: *teasing* “I know you don’t like Pokémon, but really?!”

Boyfriend: “I- I don’t know why I just said that…”

Dad: “I bet Freud could tell you!”

[florida80]

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 26

home, Illinois, Plainfield, Pokemon, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | May 12, 2019


(I’m in bed with my husband watching YouTube. I just showed him a story on Not Always Romantic where a husband calls his wife’s butt “Jigglypuff.”)

Me: “This story reminds me of you.”

Husband: *reads it* “Huh.”

Me: “If you ever call my butt that, I’ll end you.”

Husband: “No, yours is more like Wigglytuff.”

Me: *glaring* “Why?”

Husband: “Because it wiggles and instead of a butt, it’s tuff.”

Me: *glares*

Husband: “…”

Me: *keeps glaring*

Husband: “Wait! I got it, Big Red! Because it’s big and gets red when I smack it!”

Me: “Why did I marry you?”

[florida80]

Part And Parcel With Growing Old Together

home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Parents/Guardians, Spouses & Partners, UK | | Romantic | May 10, 2019


(I go to the mail delivery office to pick up a parcel, and the police are there wanting to pick up a suspicious parcel they’ve asked Royal Mail to intercept, but Royal Mail has lost the parcel. I text this to my mum, who finds it funny so she shows my dad. He just gives her a blank look. It doesn’t come up again until two days later…)

Mum: “I’m going to phone [My Name] in a minute.”

Dad: “Was it something we sent?”

Mum: “Was what something we sent?”

Dad: “The parcel.”

Mum: “Which parcel?”

Dad: “The one which the police wanted.”

Mum: “No! It was nothing to do with [My Name]. She just happened to be there at the time.”

Dad: “Was she arrested?”

Mum: “No, it wasn’t her parcel.”

Dad: “So, what was in it?”

Mum: “I’ve no idea…”

Dad: “So, are the police going to speak to her?”

Mum: “It had nothing to do with her. She just overheard it.”

Dad: “What was she ordering that was suspicious?”

Mum: “She was just getting a book she’d ordered off eBay. It wasn’t her parcel that was suspicious.”

Dad: “So, why did the police think her book was suspicious?”

Mum: “I… I’m going to phone [My Name] now.”

[florida80]

It’s Okay; Easter Hasn’t Been About Christianity For A Long Time, Anyway

Coworkers, Office, Silly, Spouses & Partners, The Netherlands | | Romantic | May 8, 2019


(My office hands out an Easter goodie: a limited-edition chocolate bar of a famous fair-trade chocolate brand. It’s clearly an Easter edition, with Easter eggs and the word “Easter” on it. After Easter, we have a few left.)

Me: *to a couple of coworkers* “If someone wants, they can have a second chocolate bar!”

(A coworker practically dives on top of the bars.)

Coworker: “Ooh, I needed a gift for my wife! It has been such a while since I gave her anything!”

Me: *jokingly* “So, your wife gets free Easter chocolate after Easter?”

Coworker: “Don’t judge me! We’re Muslim, so we don’t give a s*** about Easter, anyway.”

(I hope she’ll like the chocolate bar.)

[florida80]

AS&MR

Canada, Engaged, home, Ontario, Rude & Risque, Silly, Toronto | | Romantic | May 6, 2019


(I’m teasing my fiancé about how much he likes it when I talk in a particular voice during “fun time.”)

Me: “You are such a dirty old man.”

Fiancé: “Well, it’s like ASMR!”

Me: “I don’t think ASMR is meant to have that effect on you.”

Fiancé: “It’s supposed to give you tingles. I don’t see why I should get judged based on what part of me tingles.”

(Yes, I laughed.)

[florida80]

The Worst Pickup Line In History

Coworkers, Grocery Store, Harassment, USA | | Romantic | May 4, 2019


(My new coworker makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but for weeks I can’t figure out why. He doesn’t hit on me, he doesn’t ask invasive questions, and he’s always polite, but there is just something about him that makes me want to end every conversation as soon as possible. One night we are closing the store — the male coworker, the manager, and me. The manager is in the office balancing the registers and resetting for the next day, so I am stuck by the registers with my male coworker. A long, awkward silence is finally broken when he speaks.)

Coworker: “Do you like historic tours?”

Me: “Um… like [Nearby Battlefield]?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Have you ever gone on one?”

Me: “On a field trip when I was, like, 15. Why?”

Coworker: “Oh, that’s my other job.”

Me: “Oh. Cool.”

(A few seconds of silence.)

Coworker: “So, if you ever want to do a tour, I’ll take you.”

Me: “Ah. No, thanks.”

(Awkward silence.)

Coworker: “It can be a private tour; we can take as long as we want.”

Me: *internal panic begins* “No. Pollen and grass and dirt… they’re not my friends.”

Coworker: “We can do a night tour; it’s way better. And you can take an allergy pill!”

Me: *alarm bells are going off in my head* “I don’t really like staying up late. I’m an old fart.”

Coworker: “Oh, please. I’m old enough to be your daddy.” *staring me down*

Me: *knowing I’m turning red* “Ha…”

Coworker: “You can buy me breakfast as a thank-you.”

Me: “Well. I’ll have to see what my husband is up to. He works full time, too, and—“

Coworker: *suddenly angry* “Husband?”

Me: “Well, yeah. Of course, he’s coming with me.”

Coworker: “I was… You… Never mind.” *storms out*

(A minute later the manager comes out.)

Manager: “Where did [Coworker] go?”

Me: “Um…”

(I told her what had happened. She said I wasn’t the first to note behavior like that from him, but it’s hard to fire him when he isn’t BLATANTLY trying to pick us up. I thought the whole “private tour at night and buy me breakfast” and “oh, you have a husband, never mind” were pretty blatant but I guess not. He’s a lot less nice to me these days. Oh, well.)

[florida80]

Spiders From Space!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, Car, Silly, USA | | Romantic | May 2, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are both arachnophobic, but he tends to be the spider killer because I am much more afraid than he is. One day we are on a long drive when I notice a spider on the inside of the windshield and scream. He jumps and asks what’s wrong, and I tell him about the eight-legged monstrosity on the windshield. Both of us are frantic and unsure what to do when all of a sudden he reaches out and straight up punches the spider.)

Me: “My hero!”

Boyfriend: “You can’t scream like that; I thought a meteor was about to hit us!”

Me: “Really?! A meteor? That was your first guess?”

[florida80]

Boy, Were They Wrong!

Bar, Comeuppance, Florida, Great Stuff, Harassment, Jacksonville, Strangers, USA | | Romantic | April 30, 2019


(I recently moved to the city from my hometown in the midwest for my new job. A small group of my new coworkers has taken me out to their favorite bar in an effort to welcome me. I’m telling everyone a little bit about of myself when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see a man I’ve never met before.)

Me: *confused* “Hello… Can I help you?”

Guy: “[My Name]? Is that really you? You look great!”

(Everyone is looking at me with puzzled looks on their faces. I honestly have no idea who this guy is, but I don’t want to be rude, either.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I’m not honestly recognizing who you are. Mind giving me a hint?”

Guy: “Oh, that hurts. It’s me, [Name Which Happens To Be Gender-Neutral], from high school.”

Me: *with a polite smile* “I’m sorry, but I think you must have me confused with someone else. I just moved to this area and I’m pretty sure we didn’t go to the same high school.”

Guy: “No, no, I remember you. You were pretty cute then, but d***, you’re hot now. Wish I made a better effort to get to know you better if this was how you were going to turn out.”

(He laughs it off as it’s not a big deal and tries to put his arm around me like we’re buddies. I’m getting a bit annoyed, but I simply just smile, instead.)

Me: “You said your name is [Gender-Neutral Name], right? Did you go by the same name back then?”

Guy: *a bit confused* “Well, my friends and I had nicknames for each other, but that’s what the teachers called me.”

Me: “You know what? I think it’s starting to come back to me. I remember someone named [His Name] at my school.”

Guy: “I knew you’d remember.”

Me: *with as much honesty and goodness I can muster* “Got to say I hardly recognized you. I mean, we all knew back then how uncomfortable you felt in your own skin, constantly saying you were a guy trapped in a girl’s body. I really felt bad about all the grief you got from the principal about wanting to attend prom in a tux rather than a dress, despite our entire class standing up for you. But I got to say you look amazing now – you’ve transitioned so well!”

Guy: *with a look of utter disgust and shouting* “What the f*** are you talking about? I ain’t no [homophobic slur]. I’m a real man!”

(With that, he leaves my table and me alone, with the entire table looking at me in utter confusion.)

Me: “Another fun fact about me is that I attended an all-girls high school for all four years — no boys allowed. So, when guys try that lame pick-up, it’s super easy to shoot them down.”

(They all started cracking up. I was an instant member of their group from that point forward, and it made the transition to a new city much easier.)

[florida80]

Today Is A Good Day To Pho

Canada, Food & Drink, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 28, 2019


(I’m sick with a bad cold, so my husband brings me soup from a nearby Vietnamese restaurant.)

Me: “I should drink the broth for its healing powers. But there’s still some chunks of onion floating around. I don’t want to choke.”

Husband: *distracted by video game* “Killed by pho, huh?”

Me: “Oh, my God.”

(There’s a moment of silence, and then my husband pauses his game and looks at me with a smirk.)

Me & Husband: “Defeated by pho!”

Me: “That has to be my tombstone now. ‘Fought hard, was defeated by pho.’”

[florida80]

Should Have Seen That Date Coming

College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting, USA | Romantic | April 24, 2019


(My roommates convince me to go to my first college party with them. Inevitably, I meet a guy. While we’re making out on the couch:)

Guy: “What’s your major?”

Me: “Psychology.”

Guy: “Woah, you’re psychic?! Are you gonna read my mind?”

(I haven’t been to another party since.)

[florida80]

If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Denmark, Exes/Old Flames, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 20, 2019


(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

[florida80]

If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Denmark, Exes/Old Flames, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 20, 2019


(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

[florida80]

Were You Married To A Royal Blue Tang?

Bad Behavior, Exes/Old Flames, home, USA | Romantic | April 18, 2019


(My ex-husband has a habit of bringing up mistakes from my past to “win” an argument or deflect attention from himself. For example, if I ask him why he hasn’t done something he said he would, he might answer by talking about someone I dated in the early 2000s, or a falling-out I’d had with a relative that I had apologized and been forgiven for long ago. At the same time, he routinely forgets about things we have done together or entire conversations we’ve had. By the time this exchange occurs, I am sick of both of these things happening.)

Ex-Husband: “Hey, whatever happened with [issue we discussed at length yesterday]?”

Me: “We talked all about that yesterday.”

Ex-Husband: “Oh. Huh. I forgot. I need to figure out how to improve my memory.”

Me: “Just pretend everything is a mistake I made over 15 years ago; then you’ll remember every detail.”

Ex-Husband: “Wooow. That was hurtful.”

Me: “Yes. It is very hurtful that you can remember something I did wrong 15 years ago, to someone else, better than a whole conversation we had yesterday.”

(I wish I could say this was the most childish thing he did, but it’s not even close. Thank you, divorce gods

[florida80]

Poke-man-splaining Is So Sexy

Friends, Games, Great Stuff, home, Jerk, Massachusetts, USA | Romantic | April 16, 2019


(For a brief time during college, my friend group hangs out with a guy who fancies himself God’s gift to women and whose favored way of flirting is to find out what a woman likes and style himself as knowing far more about it than she does. I am the first in our friend group he tries this trick on. At the time, I am casually getting into the competitive side of the Pokemon games, which involves raising a team of six monsters to fight against other people’s teams of six monsters.)

Guy: “Let me show you my Pokemon team. It is perfectly crafted to counter all threats that can be thrown against it. I spent hours analyzing the top players to create it.”

Me: “Sure. I’m just running with some of my favorites and a strategy I like. They aren’t top-tier or anything; I just do this for fun.”

Guy: “Well, once the battle is over I’ll explain to you how to actually win.”

(The battle commences in all its Nintendo DS tension and glory. I wipe the floor with him.)

Guy: “You did not use proper Pokemon for real competition and your strategy was weak. I only created my team to win real competitive battles. Change your team and we’ll fight again.

Me: “They beat you well enough, but sure. This team is a group of spares I raised up that don’t fit with the strategy of my main bunch.”

(My victory this time is more hard fought, but just as decisive.)

Guy: “You aren’t using these Pokemon like a proper competitive player would, so I can’t predict your actions to counter them. Change your team and we’ll fight again.”

Me: “Okay… I do have half of an experimental gimmick team I could fill out with some reserves.”

Guy: “Use that.”

(Finally, after insisting I use the team of monsters that consists of my half-finished joke strategy and a few others that don’t fit with the strategy, he gets his victory.)

Guy: “Now, let me tell you what you did wrong and explain how to do it right!”

(I did not listen to him, and it was not long before our friend group stopped hanging out with him. Part of me does wish I could meet him one more time for a rematch, since my half-complete, jokey gimmick team is now a fully functional and competitively viable powerhouse that, despite its ridiculousness, would absolutely destroy him.)

[florida80]

Don’t Get (La)Cross With The Innuendo

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Oregon, Rude & Risque, Sporting Event, USA | Romantic | April 14, 2019


(I’m not particularly interested in sports, while my boyfriend happens to be an athletic trainer. I have just brought him some fast food to a men’s lacrosse game he is working.)

Boyfriend: “So, do you understand how lacrosse is played?”

Me: “Sure! These boys have to score by handling their shafts while running down the field cradling the balls!”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *smiles sweetly*

Boyfriend: “Butthead.”

[florida80]

A Wheely Bad Joke

Car, Ignoring & Inattentive, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 12, 2019


(When other cars are around, my father is a very good driver. When there aren’t cars nearby, he doesn’t pay quite so much attention and often slides a bit into other lanes. This really annoys my mother, but after 27 years, she’s come to the conclusion that it’s not worth mentioning unless it’s quite egregious. Every so often, though, she feels the need to say something, as in this instance:)

Mom: “Honey… you’re in the bike lane.”

Dad: “Oh, that’s okay; I only have two wheels there!”

(It should be noted that he would have been nowhere near the bike lane if there were bikes anywhere in the vicinity. He really is a very safe driver. But he saw his chance to be a smart-alec, and he took it.)

[florida80]

Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Massachusetts, Office, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 11, 2019


(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

[florida80]

Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Massachusetts, Office, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 11, 2019


(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

[florida80]

Story #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) :

Grocery Store, Minnesota, USA


While doing our weekly grocery shopping it begins to storm outside, the kind of thunderstorm that will soak you to the bone in a matter of seconds. Once my wife, my 2 children, and I are done checking out we stop at the front door to decide if we want to wait for the rain to stop. After checking the weather we decide that it is going to last a while, so I just decide to suck it up and go out to get the car, leaving my wife and kids to wait for me to pull up. I of course get soaked to the bone on my way out. Once I get to the entrance I start loading my kids in the car when the store manager approaches us. I assume she is going to tell me I can’t park there, but instead she proceeds to help me load my groceries into the trunk, along with about 4 other employees all of them getting soaked as well. I have never had that kind of service before and it’s nice to know that there are still people out there willing to help their customers even if it doesn’t help their bottom line.

[florida80]

Story #1:

Grocery Store, Minnesota, USA


While doing our weekly grocery shopping it begins to storm outside, the kind of thunderstorm that will soak you to the bone in a matter of seconds. Once my wife, my 2 children, and I are done checking out we stop at the front door to decide if we want to wait for the rain to stop. After checking the weather we decide that it is going to last a while, so I just decide to suck it up and go out to get the car, leaving my wife and kids to wait for me to pull up. I of course get soaked to the bone on my way out. Once I get to the entrance I start loading my kids in the car when the store manager approaches us. I assume she is going to tell me I can’t park there, but instead she proceeds to help me load my groceries into the trunk, along with about 4 other employees all of them getting soaked as well. I have never had that kind of service before and it’s nice to know that there are still people out there willing to help their customers even if it doesn’t help their bottom line.

[florida80]

Story #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) :

Military, Sri Lanka

In 1936 my great-grandfather left the Royal Navy with the rank of Chief Petty Officer after 22 years service. He then joined the Admiralty as a Naval Paymaster. During the war he was posted to Ceylon (now Sri Lanka). Much to his chagrin, the authorities insisted that he be given a formal rank and appointed him Lieutenant-Commander. Although he had a uniform, he swore that he would never wear it.

One day a U.S. Sub-Lieutenant needed some information from him and demanded that he presented it to him on board his vessel the following morning. My great-grandfather went home and asked his wife to lay out his dress uniform.
“But Robert, you said you would never wear it.”
“Olive, tomorrow I am making an exception.”

The following morning he arrived at the U.S. vessel, in uniform, and was piped aboard. The vessel`s captain, being massively out-ranked by a Naval Lieutenant-Commander, asked very respectfully what he wanted. My great-grandfather said that Mr ***** had demanded that he bring this information to him and therefore he was doing so.

One hopes that the U.S. Sub-Lieutenant was never again quite so high-handed with a `civilian` worker and also that he recovered from the chewing-out that he will have received from his captain.

[florida80]

Story #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) :

Bar, Kentucky, USA

It’s happy hour at the bar I work at, we’re serving a regular we know well for being confrontational normally, and even worse when he gets drunk, but he never actually goes so far as to swing or do anything to incite something past words so we haven’t seen fit to kick him out, we also get people from a nearby military base pretty often, so you’d have to be an idiot to seriously pick a fight. I’m working the bar and see the regular is nearing his point and has gone to pick on someone who, to my horror, is an obvious amputee I haven’t seen before.

Regular: “Come on stumpy, come at me, I’ll even give you the first swing! Or are you gonna show me you’re half the man you used to be!”

The new guy grunts. Obviously annoyed but not wanting trouble he continues to ignore him, then the regular throws his drink in his face.

Regular: “Hey, what’s that on your finger, a wedding band? You even got the d*** to please her anymore? Tell ya what, you give me your address and I’ll go-”

Before anyone can react, the regular is on the floor bleeding from his mouth unconscious, the new guy wipes off his knuckles, sits down like nothing ever happened and goes back to his drink. At this point the soldiers in the bar are going OORAH, when one of them turns to me.

Other regular: “Guy over there is the toughest damn soldier I’ve met, lost his arm to a bomb and still managed to kill the guys that attacked his squad before getting rescued.”

I see the new guy pull out a piece of paper, write something on it, and slip it into the regular’s pocket. When the regular came to it was in the back of an ambulance. The regular was banned for attacking both a veteran and a disabled person as well as jailed for assault. And as for what was written on the note? According to the Vet it was; “What does it say about you that I could still kick your ass with one arm and one punch?”