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[florida80]

Sock It To Me For My Birthday

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | September 21, 2018


(My husband is not one to care about buying clothes, so that usually falls to me. He also has a birthday coming up.)

Me: “I noticed [Online Store] is having a significant sale on the underwear I prefer, so I think I’m going to stock up. Do you want me to order anything for you?”

Husband: “No, I don’t want anything.”

Me: “Okay, but just to be sure: I know that if any package is delivered this close to your birthday you are going to get excited, so I didn’t want you to be disappointed if there is nothing in it for you.”

Husband: *pauses, then, sheepishly* “Um, maybe I need some socks.”

(He got more for his birthday than just socks, but he also got some socks.)

[florida80]

She Cookie-Cutter Him Down

Grocery Store, Jerk, Maryland, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | September 19, 2018


(I’m at the store pharmacy in a retirement community waiting for my prescription. There is a row of chairs, and I watch an elderly couple come over. The man sits down. His wife has a grocery cart, and apparently he plans to wait while she is shopping. I assume that due to his age or a disability, he isn’t able to walk around the whole store with her. Then, I overhear this:)

Wife: “Do you want to have a cookie while you wait?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Wife: “Then go get it yourself. I’m not getting it for you!”

[florida80]

She Cookie-Cutter Him Down

Grocery Store, Jerk, Maryland, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | September 19, 2018


(I’m at the store pharmacy in a retirement community waiting for my prescription. There is a row of chairs, and I watch an elderly couple come over. The man sits down. His wife has a grocery cart, and apparently he plans to wait while she is shopping. I assume that due to his age or a disability, he isn’t able to walk around the whole store with her. Then, I overhear this:)

Wife: “Do you want to have a cookie while you wait?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Wife: “Then go get it yourself. I’m not getting it for you!”

[florida80]

A Slice Of Married Life

Grocery Store, Michigan, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | September 17, 2018


(I work in a bakery in a grocery store. We have full loaves of bread that the customer can cut themselves or take home. One night, I notice a woman idling by the bread slicer.)

Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”

Customer: “No, I’m just waiting on my husband to come slice the bread for me.”

Me: “I can do it if you want.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. He doesn’t come with me to the store often, so I like to make him feel useful when he does.”

[florida80]

Two Heads Are Better Than One

Chicago, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Illinois, Medical Office, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | September 15, 2018


(I love my husband to pieces, but when he’s sleep-deprived, the absolute dumbest crap comes out of his mouth. Example: After working multiple night shifts as a police officer on an incredibly busy holiday weekend, he insists on coming with me to my first sonogram appointment instead of getting some much-needed rack time.)

Technician: “Okay, there’s your baby’s head! And… oh, my.”

Me: “What? What’s wrong?”

Technician: “Oh, there’s another one in there!”

Husband: *horrified* “Our baby has two heads?!”

Me: *forcing down the laughter* “No, honey, we’re having twins. I think I’m driving us home.”

Husband: *face firmly in palm* “Okay, yeah, that’s fair.”

[florida80]

They’re Breeding Like Starbucks

Car, Pennsylvania, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | September 13, 2018


(My husband and I are driving on a road near our house where they are putting up a natural food store right next to a restaurant. It looks like it’s almost touching the restaurant.)

Me: “It looks like they’re spooning one another.”

Husband: “Store sex! Does this mean they’re going to have kiosks?”

[florida80]

Eye Should Stop Talking

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, home, Silly | Romantic | September 11, 2018


(My boyfriend is bad at giving compliments, and I’m bad at taking them. We’re both working on it. My boyfriend has blue-brown eyes that change colour depending on the lighting. I’m Asian and have the regular, brown Asian eyes.)

Boyfriend: “Your eyes are so pretty.”

Me: “Thank you. But they’re not as colourful as yours, though.”

Boyfriend: “No, they’re super colourful.”

Me: “They’re just brown.”

Boyfriend: “No, they’re also red.”

Me: “So, my eyes are bloodshot?”

Boyfriend: “NO! They’re not bloodshot. They’re just very pretty reddish-brown.”

Me: *skeptical*

Boyfriend: “And your eyes are so small.”

Me: “Are… Are you making fun of my Asian eyes?”

Boyfriend: “No! Not your eye shape! The holes in your eyes! It’s so small!”

Me: “Are you talking about my pupils?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, they’re so small, so I can see more of the coloured part of your eyes.”

Me: “So… basically I’ve got Anime villain eyes?”

[florida80]

I’m Totally Nuts About You

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, Language & Words, Phone | Romantic | September 9, 2018


(After getting my boyfriend a new phone case, his audio is very quiet.)

Boyfriend: *unintelligible*

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: *more unintelligible stuff*

Me: “What did you say?”

Boyfriend: *louder* “Your name. I said your name.”

Me: “Oh.”

Boyfriend: “Why? What did you hear?”

Me: “It sounded like you said, ‘boar-nuts.’”

Boyfriend: “Boar-nuts, boar-nuts! My beautiful girlfriend, boar-nuts!”

(My name is Laura. I don’t know why I heard boar-nuts, instead.)

[florida80]

Aging Of Innocence

Flirting, Harassment, New York, Supermarket, USA | Right Romantic | September 8, 2018


(I’m cashiering in the early morning. An older man comes through my line and as usual I try to be friendly, polite, and provide the best service I can.)

Customer: *after I’ve finished scanning and bagging about all his things* “You know you’re a real sweetheart, and do a great job!”

Me: *smiling, as the compliment seems genuine and kind* “Thank you, sir, your total is [total]. Would you like help out to your car today?”

(He declines, pays, and I hand over his change.)

Customer: *as I hand over his bags* “If I was sixty years younger, I’d try to kiss you!”

(I’m quite shocked at this. Yes, I am a young woman in college, but I’ve never had something like this happen.)

Me: *giving a little fake chuckle* “Have a great morning, sir.”

(He laughed and walked away. I stood at my register still in slight shock. I’d heard about stuff like this happening but I honestly felt really flustered and embarrassed. In all honestly, though, I’m sure the customer didn’t mean to offend me and was just trying to be sweet.)

[florida80]

A Date To Remember

Australia, Flirting, Language & Words, Market, Silly | Romantic | September 7, 2018


(My mum and I are walking up to a market stall to buy coffees. There is an older man working at the counter. He turns to face my mum and says the following:)

Man: “Would you like me to date you?”

Mum: *turns red* “Um… What?”

Man: “Date? Yes?”

(At this point, the man holds up a pair of tongs with a dried date between them.)

Mum: *with a look of relief* “Oh! Yes, please.”

[florida80]

Throw In A Lil’ Humor

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Car, Music, Silly, USA | Romantic | September 5, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are riding in the car when a mid-2000s era rap song comes on the radio, sung by a pair of famous rappers from the time.)

Girlfriend: “I wonder what happened to Lil’ Jon and Lil’ Wayne?”

Me: “They became Big Jon and Big Wayne, obviously.”

(She didn’t find it as funny as I did.)

[florida80]

The Husband Finally Shows Some Teeth

Party, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Utah | Romantic | September 3, 2018


(I am at a surprise party that one of my friends has thrown for his wife. After the surprise, she goes back inside to change into some more comfortable clothes: a tee shirt and some velvet shorts with owls on them.)

Her Friend: “Oh, those are cute shorts!” *laughs*

Wife: “My husband actually wears them sometimes, too!”

Her Friend: “How does he pull that off?!”

Husband: “With my teeth!”

[florida80]

Love-Sick As A Parrot

British Columbia, Canada, Harassment, Non-Dialogue, Outdoors, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Victoria | Romantic | September 1, 2018


I come to Canada with my grandmother so she can meet my boyfriend. She and I are going to meet him for lunch, and we have a bit of time to spare, so she and I figure we’ll go to a nearby butterfly garden. This garden is also home to some parrots, which is my main interest in going, as I’m fascinated with birds of all sorts. I am taking pictures of a beautiful parrot when all of a sudden he flies at me. He lands on my arm and begins walking all over me, and, again, being an avid birder, I am quite excited. Little children come up to pet him while he is on my arm, also full of excitement.

Then, things become a little awkward.

The bird starts getting all sorts of frisky with my hand. A little girl tries to get him to move to her arm, which, thank goodness, he refuses, but he keeps going at my hand. By the time he finally flies away, I have a small crowd of kids surrounding me and the bird, petting him while he does unspeakable things, and I do my best to downplay what is happening.

When I tell my boyfriend about it later, we have quite a good laugh!

[florida80]

Deaf Becomes Her

Bookstore, Brazil, Jerk, Non-Dialogue, Sao Paulo, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | August 30, 2018


I heard this story from a bookstore clerk. He told me he had been working in the bookstore for a couple weeks when, on a Saturday morning, this couple came in. The wife started browsing the shelves, while the husband, a French gentleman, stood by the counter chatting with the clerk. When the wife came back to speak to the husband, the clerk noticed how rude she was, speaking loudly, almost screaming at him.

Later, he talked about the couple to the bookstore owner, saying how impressed he was with the husband, who had a very interesting and intelligent conversation, and the wife’s manner, mainly the way she yelled at him. The owner said, “Oh, that’s my friend, Mr. [Friend]. His wife is annoying as h***, so to avoid as much conversation with her as he can, he pretends to be deaf.”

[florida80]

The “Friend Zone” Contains No True Friends

Bad Behavior, Friends, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | August 28, 2018


(A long-time friend of mine expresses his more-than-friendly ideas about us. The following conversation ensues:)

Me: “You know I’m married, and I don’t think of you like that.”

Friend: “Why?”

Me: “I’m married to [Husband]; I love him. I don’t want anyone else.”

Friend: “But why?”

Me: “I just told you.”

Friend: “That’s not an answer.”

Me: “Just because you don’t like what I’ve said, that doesn’t make it ‘not an answer.’”

Friend: “But we’ve been friends for years!”

Me: “Just friends.”

Friend: “So why not more?”

Me: “I. SAID. NO. If you can’t handle the fact that I don’t want to f*** you, then you can f*** off.”

Friend: “You don’t have to be a b**** about it.”

Me: “It seems I do.”

Friend: “Your loss!”

(He went on to post several updates about how “nice guys finish last,” the dreaded friend zone, and quotes about girls not knowing how to handle a decent guy when he comes along. A few of his friends commented, saying he was a good guy and that the girl in question would come to her senses too late. He commented back, calling the girl blind, slutty, and stupid. I took a screenshot of our conversation and posted it, adding the comment, “Which part of this makes me a blind, stupid slut? And if I am such a slut, wouldn’t I have said yes?” He promptly deleted it and blocked me. What a good guy, huh?)

[florida80]

Anything Can Be Fixed With The Right Conditioning

Australia, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | August 26, 2018


(Our AC has been broken for two years. My husband has been promising to get it repaired by an AC technician at his work, but keeps forgetting to arrange it. With the weather being hotter than usual, I resort to making an air cooler from Internet instructions. He comes home from work to find me sitting in front of the cooler with the cool air blowing on my face.)

Husband: “What are you doing? That’s never going to cool the place!” *laughs*

(I look up and glare at him before putting my face back to the tiny stream of cool air.)

Husband: *stops laughing* “Oh.” *grabs his phone and makes a call* “Hi, [Technician], I’m calling about fixing our AC. Is there any chance of getting it done soon? You should see what my wife has resorted to doing.”

(He describes what I did and how funny I look. I glare at him again.)

Husband: “Could we get it done really soon, please? I’m getting a bit scared by the way she is looking at me.”

(They had it fixed the next day.)

[florida80]

Didn’t Think Outside That Box

California, Extra Stupid, home, Oceano, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 24, 2018


(My husband recently ordered a TV stand and a bookshelf online, among other smaller items. The TV stand is delivered pretty quickly, and my husband assembles it the next day. He then gets a notification that some of his items were delivered, so he opens the front door to retrieve them.)

Husband: “That’s weird.”

Me: “What is?”

Husband: “They delivered another one.”

Me: “Another what?”

Husband: “TV stand. Did I accidentally order it twice?”

Me: “Huh?”

(He goes to pick up the box.)

Husband: “Why is it so ligh—”

(His voice trails off as a look of realization hits him; at the same time, I understand what happened.)

Me: “You put the empty box outside, didn’t you?”

Husband: *sheepishly* “Yes…”

[florida80]

An Ex-planation

Convenience Store, Exes/Old Flames, Fort Leavenworth, Jerk, Kansas, USA | Romantic | August 22, 2018


(My wife is pregnant, and at about ten pm on a very rainy day she decides she really wants some ice cream, but we’re out at the moment. So, I brave the rain and head to the base mini-mart to bring her some. After getting the ice cream, I go to the cashier to pay.)

Cashier #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Late night craving?”

Me: “Pregnant wife had a craving.”

Cashier #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “That’s so sweet. My ex would never have done that for me.”

Cashier #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Maybe that’s why he’s your ex.”

[florida80]

Without Glasses You Couldn’t See That Coming

home, Lazy/Unhelpful, New York, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 20, 2018


(My husband and I are watching TV. I don’t have my glasses on and mention that to him, telling him that they are probably in my nightstand. I’m not lazy; I’m disabled.)

Husband: “I’ll go check during the next commercial.”

(He checks the nightstand and comes back empty-handed.)

Husband: “Yes. They’re in your nightstand.”

Me: “…”

(My fault; I didn’t say I WANTED them.)

[florida80]

Cemented Thy Grisly Fate

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | August 18, 2018


(My husband has been working all evening taking out a fence. When it gets dark, he has me come shine a flashlight so he can work on the last post. It turns out that the last post was cemented in with at least twice as much cement as any of the others. It refuses to be pulled out, and my husband and I go in and go to bed. The next morning I wake up to the following text:)

Text: “I have slain the mighty fence post. It lieth dead in milady’s yard.”

[florida80]

So I Married A T-Rex…

Books & Reading, Canada, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | August 16, 2018


(I am reading a book at home.)

Book: “…up to 60 percent of specimens [of tyrannosaurs] display evidence of face biting in battle, hinting at how the [deadly] infection may have spread.”

Wife: *spontaneously starts biting my lip*

Me: *laughing* “So, let me tell you what I was just reading…”

[florida80]

Extraterrestrials Need Love, Too

Crush, Friends, home, Language & Words, USA | Romantic | August 14, 2018


(My best friend has a huge crush on me, and I have one on him, though neither of us realize it at this time. Although his English is very good, he’s not a native speaker, and there are some words he’s understandably never encountered before. We’re both fans of old video games, so we’re checking out some old ATARI games at my house. We’ve loaded up E.T., having never actually played it before. There are no instructions, but apparently one of the core mechanics is that E.T. can “fly” by lifting his head. I’m watching the game being played.)

Friend: *having difficulty getting E.T. out of a pit* “ARGH! He’s not necking anymore!”

(I lost it and had to explain to my very confused friend what “necking” was and why E.T. wasn’t doing it. Thankfully, it didn’t stop him from officially asking me out a few days later.)

[florida80]

Guys So Hot That You Just Got Burned

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Comeuppance, home, Jerk, USA | Romantic | August 12, 2018


(My brother and his girlfriend are watching TV in the other room when a commercial for “The Bachelorette” comes on.)

Girlfriend: “Ooh!”

Brother: “You watch that? Why?”

Girlfriend: *sarcastically* “Uh, all the hot guys. Duh.”

Brother: *offended* “You’re never going to get with any of them.”

Girlfriend: “We’re never going to f*** like in your porn, but that doesn’t stop you from watching, either.”

[florida80]

To Have And To Like You

California, home, Parents/Guardians, Santa Clara, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 10, 2018


(I’m sitting in the kitchen with my parents. My dad just recently made a Facebook account.)

Dad: “Will you marry me?”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “On Facebook! Will you marry me?”

Mom: “Twenty-five years of marriage, and it doesn’t count for anything unless we’re Facebook official?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Mom: “Well… I’ll have to think about it.”

(They never became “Facebook official.”)

[florida80]

The Same Old Story

California, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | August 8, 2018


(My wife has just returned from a conference she went to alone. As I’m picking her up from the airport, she tells me of a male friend she made there, and I gently tease her about it. The next day she shows me pictures from the conference.)

Me: “That’s [Friend]? He’s hot! Are you sure you didn’t sleep with him?”

Wife: “He’s 35, and married, and as tall as I am.”

Me: “When you say he’s 35, what does that mean to you? Is he too old for you?”

Wife: “Yes… Oh, my God! Did I just say that?”

Me: “How old am I?”

(My 35th birthday was a couple of weeks ago.)

[florida80]

Superman And The Books Of Evil

home, Israel, Non-Dialogue, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Wild & Unruly | Romantic | August 6, 2018


I usually have very vivid dreams — so vivid that sometimes I wake up confused as to why I’m not where I was in the dream. Tonight, I dreamed that my husband turned evil and came home with an evil Superman to destroy our books. I, of course, couldn’t let that happen, so I started punching them, kicking them, and trying to fight them, but they were ridiculously strong and nothing worked. At some point in the dream, they burned the books, so I poured some water over them. The bad guys then proceeded to spill an entire bucket of water over all the books, even those not burnt or burning.

I told my “evil” husband that he wasn’t allowed to touch the books unless he treated them with respect.

He made a noise, and then I smacked him in the face, only to realize with a start that it was a dream, because I actually smacked him in reality. He jumped up, super startled, and I could only apologize.

As I related to him the dream and the reason behind smacking him, we couldn’t stop laughing about the whole thing

[florida80]

How To Get Daddy Issues

Dating, Jerk, New Jersey, Restaurant, USA | Romantic | August 4, 2018


(I have been trying my luck on a dating site, with not much to show for it so far. I am near the end of date number two with this gentleman and the conversation has turned to our families. I mention my father has cancer and that we’re planning a large family vacation soon.)

Date: “Oh, man, I’m so sorry to hear that… Well, hey, at least I can be your new daddy, right? *winks at me*

(I went home and decided to give up on dating for a while.)

[florida80]

At Least Try To Have Fun With It

Exes/Old Flames, Friends, Party, Silly, USA | Romantic | August 2, 2018


(I have just had an easy break-up with my boyfriend. We remain friends afterwards and have no hard feelings. While attending a party together, I see an old friend, and the three of us strike up a conversation.)

Old Friend: “So, how are you two doing?”

Me: “Oh, we broke up.”

Old Friend: “Really? What happened?”

Me: *grinning impishly* “We turned each other gay.”

(My ex and friend just stare at me for a few seconds before laughing.)

Ex: “That’s what you’ve been saying? I’ve just been saying we broke up! I am definitely using that now!”

[florida80]

Working Overtime On This Relationship

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Czech Republic, Lazy/Unhelpful, Phone | Romantic | July 31, 2018


(Our company offices are located in a small town near the city where I live. Because of a business meeting with our Korean partners, I get stuck at work way overtime. My boyfriend of four years borrows my car that day, so I call him to pick me up.)

Boyfriend: *obviously just woke up* “Um, hello?”

Me: “Sorry to wake you up. Can you please pick me up at work? We just finished.”

Boyfriend: “Ugh, what time is it?

Me: “It’s 11 pm. The last bus left twenty minutes ago.”

Boyfriend: “Why not take a car? You have a car.”

Me: “You borrowed my car, remember? You promised to pick me up when we finish.”

Boyfriend: “Take a taxi. I’m in bed.”

Me: “It’s Friday night, and there is a music festival nearby. My boss already tried to call a taxi, but everyone is busy.”

Boyfriend: “Then walk. And can you sleep on a couch tonight? I don’t want you to wake me up again when you get home. You know I need sleep more than you. “

Me: “You want me to walk eight miles through the forest and fields at night? What—” *click*

(He hangs up on me. I stare at the phone, then try taxis again without any luck. I call my brother.)

Brother: “Hey, sis, what’s up?”

Me: “Hey, are you home?”

Brother: “Not yet. My train was delayed so I’m still on my way, but in five minutes I should be in the city. What’s wrong?”

Me: “Can you please pick me up at work? I had overtime, the last bus to [Town] already left, taxis are fully booked because of the festival, and our parents are at [Uncle]’s party. Mum’s car should be at home because they took a bus.”

Brother: “No problem, but it will take me around an hour to get to your office if I’m lucky and catch a night bus from the station to home. What happened to your car?”

Me: “It’s in front of my house. [Boyfriend] borrowed it because he had a day off, and now he is asleep and doesn’t want to pick me up.”

Brother: *pause* “I’m not going to comment on it, but you know what I’m thinking right now. See you in an hour.”

(Later, when I repeated my call with my boyfriend to my brother, he was so furious he even forgot he hates driving and offered to help me to pack my boyfriend’s stuff. I got home around 12:30 am and really slept on the couch, because otherwise I would have just suffocated him with a pillow. I told him to pack his stuff couple weeks later when he left me sitting on the floor with a possibly broken arm and went back to play his PC game.)

[florida80]

Fall Of Bridezilla

Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Office, Parents/Guardians, Siblings, USA, Wedding Planning | Romantic | July 29, 2018


(I end up being the wedding planner of a Bridezilla. The bride’s sister — and bridesmaid — gets pregnant. The Bridezilla informs her that her pregnancy is inconvenient, and throws a fit at her poor timing because the dress will have to be altered to handle the pregnancy, etc. I flee to another room and shut the door, but they are having it out so loudly I can still hear the fight. After what seems like an eternity, the sister says coldly:)

Sister: “We’ve been trying for three years. While the wedding may be your day, you knew what I was going through to get the chance to have a baby.”

Bridezilla: “Well, then, I guess you can’t be in my wedding, because I don’t want to deal with the problems your pregnancy will cause.”

(While I stand there, flabbergasted, I hear nothing but silence and then the quiet shutting of the door. The sister had walked out without another word. I put on my best retail face and continue with the plans. A few months later, [Bridezilla] and [Bridezilla’s Mom] are with me, and [Bridezilla’s Mom] gets a phone call. [Bridezilla’s Mom] excuses herself and left to answer. She spends most of the meeting on the phone. Towards the end, [Bridezilla’s Mom] comes back, slowly putting her phone away. It looks as though she’s been crying.)

Bridezilla: “Who was that?”

Bridezilla’s Mom: “Your sister… She lost the baby.”

(Yep. [Bridezilla’s Mom] has definitely been crying… right along with her poor, distraught daughter on the other end of the phone. My heart breaks for them. There is nothing I can say to take the pain away, and there are not enough tissues in the world to mop up my sympathetic tears that are about to come to the surface.)

Bridezilla: “Oh. Well, I guess she can be in my wedding, then, since she’s not pregnant anymore.”

(I have never seen something snap behind another person’s eyes before. It’s absolutely terrifying! [Bridezilla’s Mom] turns to me and speaks in this deadly soft, deadly calm voice:)

Bridezilla’s Mom: “I’m so sorry to have wasted your time, but it looks as though I won’t be financing the wedding anymore. It looks like my daughter will be taking over paying for everything. I hope this doesn’t cause your business any trouble.”

Bridezilla: *suddenly horrified and in panic mode* “MOM?!”

Me: *giving [Bridezilla’s Mom] a brilliant smile* “I understand, ma’am. I think we can sort out the snags.”

([Bridezilla] freaked out, shrieking, waving her arms, screeching horrified questions, and getting more and more panicked as [Bridezilla’s Mom] coldly refuses to answer the demanding, “Why?!” of her “sudden and unexplained” refusal to pay for the wedding. [Bridezilla’s Mom] left, her back ramrod straight, trailed by her hysterical [Bridezilla] daughter. The wedding was cancelled entirely, twenty-four hours later, by the would-be groom

[florida80]

I’m P(r)etty Pregnant

Cheaters, Comeuppance, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, Maryland, Non-Dialogue, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | July 27, 2018


There was a guy I met via a dating app, with whom I went on several dates. It got very serious, very quickly, and he started talking about me potentially becoming his girlfriend.

After a little over a month of going on dates, I got a Snapchat from him with the caption, “Girlfriend hack!” and a picture of some other girl. I immediately asked him about her, and he confessed that it was his girlfriend of over a year. I was heartbroken, and the fact that he wouldn’t add me on any social media platforms suddenly made sense.

A week later, I reached out to his girlfriend via Facebook to inform her of her boyfriend’s actions over the past few weeks with me. I felt that if I were in her situation, I’d want someone to tell me. I didn’t tell her out of spite, or to try to get him all to myself. I’ve always felt that when a man cheats, the women shouldn’t blame one another; they should blame him for his actions and his lies.

She didn’t feel the same way. She responded by calling me a liar and yelling at me for interfering in their relationship. I took that moment to remind her that he pursued me on a dating app, meaning that it was his intention to find someone to cheat with. She continued to defend him, and it became very clear to me that she was so in love with him that she’d never leave him, even for her own good. The way he spoke about her, it was obvious that she had low self-esteem, and I guessed that she assumed she couldn’t get another man as attractive and as seemingly sweet as he was. So I let it go.

A few weeks went by, and a mutual friend told me the guy and and his girlfriend got engaged. This really upset me, because I knew the girlfriend/fiancée deserved better, so I took it upon myself to text him and inform him that I was pregnant. He freaked out and started blaming me for getting pregnant, claiming it wasn’t his child. I convinced him that he was the only person I had been with, and that I’d definitely be having a paternity test, which would include him. I also sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test. He began to panic, telling me to get rid of the baby, and then verbally attacked me personally, saying this would ruin his life. He asked me how could I be so selfish.

The irony was almost too much to handle.

I then told him that he had two options: he could either tell his fiancée himself, or I would. After several text messages convincing him I was serious, he stopped responding.

After an hour without a response, I got a phone call from him, and through tears he told me that he told his fiancée and she left him. He called me names and said I ruined his life. After I let him get it all out of his system, I calmly reminded him that he had no one to blame but himself, because he went on a dating app to find someone to cheat on his girlfriend with, and then broke not only my heart, but his fiancée’s heart, as well. He finally seemed to realize how badly he had screwed up. He asked me how many weeks along I was, because he was wondering if I was still early enough to have an abortion.

I responded by telling him I wasn’t pregnant.

He flipped out so bad. It was one of the funniest moments of my life. I told him that he got exactly what he deserved. I also told him to Google positive pregnancy tests, because he’d find the picture I sent him right at the top. I then hung up the phone and blocked him permanently.

The best part about this story, which happened several years ago, was that recently the ex-fiancée reached out to me to thank me for breaking them up. She told me it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her, and that now she was engaged to another man who treats her well and who she believes is truly her soulmate.

I confessed to her what I did to end her relationship, and she laughed for a good minute before catching her breath enough to call her ex-fiancé several explicit names, saying he got what he deserved. She apologized for all the names she called me, and told me that he constantly made her feel like she wasn’t good enough, so she didn’t believe she was, and let him walk all over her. If she hadn’t believed he had gotten another woman pregnant, she never would have been able to leave him. She and I are now quite good friends, and she even invited me to her wedding.

He, on the other hand, lost all his hair by the age of 30, has a beer belly, is still single, and had to move back in with his mom after the breakup, where he’s lived ever since.

I always felt a little petty for breaking them up, but I’m so glad it ended up working out for the best.

[florida80]

Has A Hand In The Formation Of The Alliance

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Florida, Silly, USA, Vacation |
Romantic | July 25, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are walking back to our hotel room rather late at night after a couple of very busy days. He falls asleep on my shoulder on the bus ride back to the hotel. I am not convinced that he’s entirely awake when we get off of the bus and begin walking.)

Boyfriend: “Babeeeee.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Hold my hannnnnnd.”

Me: “Okay.” *takes his hand*

Boyfriend: *whispers* “The alliance will be greatly pleased.”

(He didn’t remember this in the morning.)

[florida80]

For Some People, Running Is A Religion

China, home, Hong Kong, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | July 23, 2018


(My partner and I are both school teachers with a long commute. On weekend mornings we get up early for training, so a lie-in is a rare treat for us. This happens on our first Sunday lie-in in a long time. I am absolutely useless as a human being until my first cup of coffee in the morning. My partner lightly nudges me awake.)

Partner: “Hey, sweetheart.”

Me: “Mrrrphrrr.”

Partner: “It’s Sunday.”

Me: “Yay.”

Partner: “What shall we do?”

Me: “Mrrrphrrbrdrrr .”

Partner: “We could go to church? Or a healthy jog?”

Me: “Sure, sure, that sounds nice.”

Partner: “The only problem is you’re Jewish and you hate running.”

Me: “Oh, yeah.”

Partner: “Shall we go back to sleep, sweetheart?”

Me: “Mmmmkay, if you want.”

(He got a good laugh out of that one!)

[florida80]

What A Dumpy Way To Do That

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Friends, home, Jerk, Prank, Proposal, UK | Romantic | July 21, 2018


(One of my long-term friends has a pretty unconventional way of doing things, and this unusual streak runs through every aspect of his life. He tells me this story about a conversation he had with his girlfriend at home.)

Friend: “[Girlfriend], we need to talk about something.”

Girlfriend: “Sure, what’s on your mind?”

Friend: “I don’t think I want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”

Girlfriend: “Sure, so what do you want to talk about?”

Friend: “I’m being serious; I don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”

Girlfriend: “Er… what?”

Friend: “Yeah, I just felt it wasn’t working, so, yeah, we’re going to have to reevaluate things between us.”

Girlfriend: *getting pretty angry* “Are you even going to give me a reason? You can’t just stroll in and dump me and expect me to fine with it. Are you seeing someone else?”

Friend: “Not at all. I just don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore…” *gets down on one knee and produces a ring* “… because I’d much rather have you as my fiancée, instead.”

Girlfriend: *in tears and borderline hysterical* “YOU A**HOLE! YES!”

(He then calmed her down and took her out to her favourite restaurant for a meal. I told him that the fact she didn’t at least backhand him for that is proof that they’re made for each other.)

[florida80]

Married To Hermione Granger

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Indiana, Silly, USA | Romantic | July 19, 2018


(My boyfriend is folding laundry.)

Boyfriend: “You know how I know you’re not some kind of mythical creature? You can’t fold a fitted sheet, either.”

Me: “Yes, I can. They taught me in my CNA class.”

Boyfriend: “You’re a witch

[florida80]

Burping Gets You Some Hangups

Arizona, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Phoenix, Silly, Telemarketing, USA | Romantic | July 17, 2018


(Due to being a small business owner, I get all types of spam calls, but due to the clientele and our cloud-based services, I can’t afford to not answer the phone, as it may be a client’s phone number I’m just not familiar with. A particularly dense and determined telemarketer calls me repeatedly from one of those “unknown ID” lines that are impossible to trace. I am getting fed up with them, and so is my girlfriend. She decides to answer the call since my attempts thus far to get them to stop have been unsuccessful:)

Girlfriend: *sultry voice* “Are you ready for something hot and satisfying?”

Telemarketer: “…huh?”

(My girlfriend lets out a low and guttural belch into the phone and hangs up.)

Me: “You are disgusting.”

Girlfriend: “But effective!”

(She was right; they didn’t call back!)

[florida80]

This Train Will Pull In 28 Days Later

California, home, Los Angeles, Movies & TV, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | July 15, 2018


(While watching “Train to Busan,” a Korean zombie flick set on the titular train:)

Me: “Apparently, they’re making a Hollywood remake of Train to Busan.”

Husband: “How the h*** are they going to do that? Our public transport here is s***.”

Me: *cracking up*

Husband: “It’d be what? The Long Drive to Busan? Everyone’s just stuck in traffic. For two hours. Including the zombies.”

(Zombies begin falling from broken windows and rapidly swarm towards the survivors in a craze, snarling and spitting. They scramble over barriers and each other, broken limbs jutting out at odd angles, making them resemble a horrifying stampede of twisted, mangled marionettes.)

Husband: “Looks like a typical Black Friday, if you ask me

[florida80]

A Vexing Definition

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Language & Words, Silly, USA | Romantic | July 13, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are sitting at home eating our personal pints of ice cream. I’m about to take the last bite before putting it away for the night, so I dig out a chunk of brownie before handing him the pint to put in the freezer.)

Boyfriend: “You know, you always take such big spoonfuls of ice cream. It’s quite… vexing.”

(I stare at him in confusion, as he’s usually extremely laid back.)

Me: “My ice cream eating angers you?”

Boyfriend: “What? No!”

Me: “That’s what vexing means!”

Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t know what vexing meant!”

Me: “Then why did you use it?!”

(He just throws up his hands and walks away. A few minutes later…)

Boyfriend: “So… vixen and vexing have nothing to do with each other?”

(The best part of this is that he’s a published author

[florida80]

The Gift That Never Starts Giving

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Exes/Old Flames, Finland, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | July 11, 2018


My ex-boyfriend had a habit of not buying me birthday gifts. Usually his excuse was something like, “I couldn’t figure out anything,” or, “I’ll get you something later.” The latter also ended up with, “Sorry, couldn’t figure out anything for you.” I didn’t mind too much, because I didn’t want to be materialistic, and I had some self-esteem issues, too, at the time, which made me think I didn’t even deserve any gifts.

One year, my birthday was approaching and my ex-boyfriend’s mother asked me what her son had given me as birthday gifts in the previous years. When I told her, “Nothing,” she was quite astounded, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

However, my ex actually got me something that year: a pretty piece of jewelry. I was very happy that he had made some effort and got me something; he had thought of me. I figured that his mother had had a talk with him about the matter.

A couple of months later, I was cleaning our apartment and I found the receipt of my birthday gift. I was about to throw it away, when all of a sudden I realized something. I remembered the date on the receipt. We were at our friends’ place out of town the whole day. There was no way he was in jewelry store at the time.”

Then it hit me. I went to my ex-boyfriend and asked, “Did… Did your mother buy this gift?”

“Haha, yeah!”

It turned out his mother had gone alone to the jewelry store and picked out something for me. My ex hadn’t asked her to, and she hadn’t consulted my ex. Then, she gave the present to my ex and told him to give it to me as a birthday present. She did not ask money for the jewelry, and my ex never paid anything for it. And he had happily accepted. Again, he hadn’t had to expend any effort for my birthday.

Of course my ex’s mother meant well, and I appreciated that. However, my ex’s actions — or non-actions — made me so sad and disappointed. I even started to cry after the revelation, and he couldn’t understand why. “It’s still a gift, right?” To this day, I wonder if I was in the wrong to be disappointed.

[florida80]

Making A Wrong Number Even More Wrong

California, Harassment, home, Strangers, USA | Romantic | July 9, 2018


(It’s late at night and I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. I usually answer, anyway, so I can include telemarketers in my block-call list. I’m female and the caller is male.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hey, girl! Wassup?”

Me: “I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Woah. You’re not my baby momma.”

Me: “Nope.”

Caller: *pauses* “So, what’re you doing?”

Me: “I think you need to call your girl.” *hangs up*

(I don’t know what that guy was thinking! I was suddenly going to flirt with an unknown stranger who had a girlfriend or wife?)

[florida80]

A Little Light Death

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, North Charleston, Silly, South Carolina, USA | Romantic | July 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are getting ready for bed when I notice that the living room light is still on. I am tired and comfortable and have a gently purring cat on my chest, so I whine:)

Me: “Why is the living room light on?”

Boyfriend: “Because you left it on.”

Me: “No, babe, it’s the automatic light.”

(It’s supposed to turn off at 10:00 pm; it is 10:06.)

Boyfriend: “Oh. I shall go investigate! And by that I mean…”

(He gets up and makes a show of getting a decorative knife from our dresser.)

Boyfriend: “Imma kill it!”

(Just as he steps toward the bedroom door, the light flicks itself off, leaving me in hysterics and him saying:)

Boyfriend: “That’s what I thought!”

[florida80]

Independence Day Roundup

Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | July 4, 2018


Happy Birthday to the United States of America! Today we celebrate… with barbeques and picnics and parties and, of course, lots and lots of fireworks.

Here are some of our favorite stories about the Fourth of July. Enjoy! And if you’d like to share your own tale of the Fourth, leave us a comment or submit it here!



Happy Treason Day! — But will they be serving tea?

Viva La Revelation — There’s no independence from annoying customers…

Independent Of The Closing Times — …or the entitled customers…

Independent Of This Holiday — …or the geographically confused customer.

Independent Of Your Day — Some Americans still forget that Canada is not the US.

The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One — Some British still forget that the US is not part of Great Britain.

Murica! The Lullaby — Well, is there one?

Not The Brightest Spark In The Firework Display — Same holiday, different day?

Were You Born On The Third Of July? — Same holiday, different month?

Those Silly Colonies And Their Quaint Rebellion — Same holiday, different holiday?

Leap Days Of Logic — Different country, different calendar?

An Argument For The Separation Of Church And State — And sometimes folks forget that we still have ties to where our country came from!

[florida80]

Well, I Am Macro-Breaking Up With You

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cheaters, Chicago, Extra Stupid, home, Illinois, USA | Romantic | July 3, 2018


(I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I rebound into a pretty unhealthy relationship. He raises a lot of red flags on our first date, including the ultimate crime on this site of being rude to the waiter, but I don’t care. Two weeks later, I get laid off and go to his apartment, distraught and seeking reassurance.)

Me: “[Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: *muffled* “Oh, s***.”

Me: “Uh, it’s me, [My Name].”

Boyfriend: *opens door, sweating* “[My Name], what are you doing here?”

Me: “I just got fired… Who’s that?”

(I point to a shirtless man clearly trying to hide behind the couch.)

Boyfriend: “He’s, uh, my new roommate.”

(He lives in a pigsty that no one would pay to inhabit.)

Me: “Are you f***ing cheating on me? How could you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m not cheating!”

Me: “You were just having sex with another guy! How is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “We weren’t having sex; we were just [engaging in sexual act of sorts]! That’s not cheating; it’s microcheating.”

Me: “What the f*** is microcheating?”

Boyfriend: “[Popular National Tabloid] says it’s microcheating it you don’t have sex and just [engage in sexual act].”

Me: “First of all, that’s bulls***, and secondly, how is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “It’s microcheating! “

(Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet there. The kicker? I looked at the article, and his interpretation of “microcheating” was way off.)

[florida80]

Go See Your Sister And Never Go Back!

Bad Behavior, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | July 1, 2018


(When we were together, my husband would tell me who I could talk to, where I could go, how I could cut my hair… basically how I could exist within his life. I told myself he was just protecting me and I should respect his decisions. When we would talk about upcoming plans — work, spending time with my family, etc. — he would say we never talked about it. I brushed it off for a while because I told myself he was just focused on other things. This is the story of when I’d had enough. A few weeks before this conversation, I csme up with what I thought was a foolproof way to avoid the “you never told me” conversation.)

Me: “Okay, I’m heading out. I’ll see you later. I love you!” *leans in for a kiss*

Husband: *backs away* “Where are you going?”

Me: “Uh, out shopping with my sister.”

Husband: *exasperated* “Why don’t you ever tell me your plans?”

Me: “I did.”

Husband: “NO. You didn’t.”

Me: “I did. We were making dinner on Sunday night and I told you–”

Husband: “You did not. You’re not going.”

Me: “Are you telling me I can’t go see my sister because you don’t remember a conversation?”

Husband: “I’m telling you that you can’t go because you’re always making plans and not telling me about them until you’re halfway out the door, and I’m sick of it!”

Me: *frustrated* “That’s not true.”

Husband: “It f****** is true!”

Me: “I told you!”

Husband: “Prove it and you can go.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I pull out my phone and open our text conversation. There, on Sunday night, around the time we would have been making dinner, is a message from me, to him. It reads, “I’m going shopping with my sister on Friday.”)

Husband: “Doesn’t count.”

Me: “And why not?”

Husband: “Because you can’t just text me and expect me to read it!”

Me: “You… You’re not serious right now.”

Husband: “I am serious!”

Me: “You will call me repeatedly until I pick up, but you aren’t expected to read a f****** text message?”

Husband: “I have a full-time job! I run this house! I can’t be expected to look at my phone all the time like you do!”

Me: “Okay.”

(That was the last time we had a remotely civil conversation. I will miss the good times we had, but living like someone’s blow-up doll is no life.)

[florida80]

Don’t Want To Be Pistoriused

home, Military, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | June 29, 2018


(After weather-related delays and some layovers, very late at night, I have the chance to make it home earlier than predicted, but too late to call. This flight will get me to my doorstep at 2:30 or so in the morning, unexpectedly for my retired military husband with mild PTSD. We’re out in the country, and the dogs bark when they hear the truck. I manage to drop a bag on the porch, and I’m not quiet going into the house, but my husband doesn’t stir. I set down my bags, and take a look in the bedroom. He’s solidly asleep. I consider joining him, then think… PTSD. Loaded 45 handgun on the bedside table. He doesn’t expect me until afternoon. Instead, I bunk down in the guest room. When I hear his alarm go off at 5:30 am, I text him:)

Me: “I’m HOME!”

(He goes to the front door, passing by the guest room on the way. I text:)

Me: “In here.”

Husband: “Why did you sleep in the guest room?”

Me: “I didn’t want you to accidentally shoot me!”

Husband: *considering* “Probably not a bad decision.”

[florida80]

Dirty Money

Dover, England, home, Kent, Silly, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | June 27, 2018


(I’m saying goodnight to my wife as I have to be up early for work. We are standing there hugging and I go for a cheeky feel of her backside. As I do, a 2p coin drops to the floor.)

Me: “Did you just poop out a 2p?”

Wife: “It must have got stuck to my bum.” *she’s not wearing pyjama bottoms*

Me: “Sure! Come on. If you can just do that with a few hundred rolls of £50 notes, I can give up work! You can be my golden goose.”

Wife: “I’ll goose you in a minute! I’m not pooping money for anyone.”

[florida80]

Two Ruined Dates For The Price Of One

Bad Behavior, Canada, Dating, Manitoba, Restaurant, Winnipeg | Romantic | June 25, 2018


(My friend is out with a guy on a first date. She can’t help but notice that he’s staring at a woman sitting with her date at a nearby table.)

Friend: “Is something wrong?”

Guy: “Sorry, but that woman looks really familiar. It’s bugging me; I know I’ve seen her before.”

Woman’s Date: “Can I help you, buddy?”

Guy: “No disrespect intended, man, but I think I’ve met this lady before.”

Woman: *looking uncomfortable* “I don’t think so, sir.”

Guy: “No, I’m sure of it… Wait! Do you dance at [Burlesque House]?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Guy: “That’s it! I’ve seen you strip!”

Woman’s Date: “WHAT?”

Friend: “WHAT?”

Guy: “What?”

(Both dates were over pretty quickly after that.)

[florida80]

Have No Power To Overcome Crappy Gifts

Australia, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | June 23, 2018


(My husband is always buying me gifts that are more suited to him, such as computer games, programs, and videos that I’m not really interested in. Then, he complains that I don’t use such gifts that he spends good money on. If you notice, to use all these things, I have to use electricity to power up TVs, computers, and the like. This year, he bought me a gift that I loved: a fan that when turned on becomes a clock. It’s a hot day; we do have the AC going, but I’ve put the fan in a room with no AC just to get the air moving.)

Husband: *after noticing the fan and clock are going* “Why do you have that turned on? Electricity costs money, you know!”

Me: “How am I supposed to use it if I can’t turn it on?”

Husband: “It’s wasting electricity.”

(I turned off the $50 gift that I was not allowed to use, but went back to playing his video games on his big TV.)

[florida80]

Read My Mood

Bookstore, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, Health & Body | Romantic | June 21, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are wandering around a bookstore while I try to find a new summer reading book. Note: I have a lisp that I can usually hide, but it has been really bad today.)

Me: “I can barely speak today.”

Boyfriend: “That sucks; can you see well enough to read, at least?”

Me: “My point exactly.”

[florida80]

Food Beats Money

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ellenwood, Georgia, home, Silly, USA | Romantic | June 19, 2018


(I’m six months pregnant, and I’ve just woken up, as my boyfriend is getting ready to leave for work. He sees me sitting up, looking a little grouchy, and he comes over and sits on the side of the bed, giving me a hug.)

Boyfriend: “Doing okay there?”

Me: *grunts* “Yeah. Didn’t sleep well.”

Boyfriend: “I’m sorry.” *kisses my forehead* “I’m about to head out. Do you want me to bring you anything back?”

Me: “The winning lottery ticket?”

Boyfriend: *smirking* “How about food?”

Me: *snickering* “That sounds good, too; probably more immediate payout, as well.”

Boyfriend: “Agreed. You’ll probably be much happier, anyway.”

(He sure knows the way to my heart! And how to brighten my morning!)

[florida80]

Food Beats Money

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ellenwood, Georgia, home, Silly, USA | Romantic | June 19, 2018


(I’m six months pregnant, and I’ve just woken up, as my boyfriend is getting ready to leave for work. He sees me sitting up, looking a little grouchy, and he comes over and sits on the side of the bed, giving me a hug.)

Boyfriend: “Doing okay there?”

Me: *grunts* “Yeah. Didn’t sleep well.”

Boyfriend: “I’m sorry.” *kisses my forehead* “I’m about to head out. Do you want me to bring you anything back?”

Me: “The winning lottery ticket?”

Boyfriend: *smirking* “How about food?”

Me: *snickering* “That sounds good, too; probably more immediate payout, as well.”

Boyfriend: “Agreed. You’ll probably be much happier, anyway.”

(He sure knows the way to my heart! And how to brighten my morning!)

[florida80]

No Money, No Problem, No Second Date

Date, Jerk, Mall, South Africa | Romantic | June 17, 2018


(A friend has made plans to go on her first date with a guy she met on Tinder. They’re both in their early 20s; he’s a university student, as is she, with a decent part-time job. He suggests a nice, upmarket mall in the area and chooses a restaurant which is fairly pricey, but has reasonable prices for the mall he’s chosen. After sharing a large meal — with a beer for him and free tap water for her — the check comes to about R300 — $24. Having previously agreed to split the check, she puts her R150 — $12 — on the table.)

Date: “Oh.. um.. That’s a lot. I don’t have that much money.”

(My friend, feeling backed into a corner by this guy who apparently brought less than $12 with him on a date, offers to cover his half of the check, as well. Unfortunately, he seems eager to get as much out of the evening as possible. After turning down a suggestion that they catch a movie — which he will be unable to pay for — and recommending a bar nearby, my friend excuses herself and calls in an SOS to me. Fortunately, a small group of our friends has a plan to always be nearby when one of us is on a first date, for a rescue in this exact type of situation. We “bump into” our friend and her date in the mall and “remind” her of an important obligation she supposedly forgot about.)

Date: “Wow, when you mentioned your friends, you didn’t say they were models. Hi, I’m [Date]. I like your outfit.”

(He was being really cringe-y and laying it on thick, obviously, and we managed to get our friend out of there in record time. Later, he messaged her to tell her which of her friends was the most attractive and asked for her number.)

[florida80]

A Pun In The Oven

home, Parents/Guardians, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | June 15, 2018


(This was before I was born. Dad has just come home with shopping bags.)

Mom: “Honey, can you check the oven while I put the groceries away?”

Dad: “Sure.” *checks* “There’s just a bun… Wait a second.”

(He turns around and sees Mom wearing the biggest and goofiest smile ever.)

Dad: “You mean…”

Mom: “Yup, I found out yesterday.”

Dad: “And you put a bun…”

Mom: “Uh-huh!”

(Dad kisses Mom on the forehead and laughs.)

Dad: “It’s gestures like these that remind me why I love you, my little cornball.”

(And this is how Mom told Dad about me. No wonder I love cheese so much!)

[florida80]

Not Always Wedding Bells

Announcements | General Right Romantic | June 15, 2018


We are overjoyed to celebrate the marriage of our Executive Editor to the Nurse of his dreams.

Even when things are Not Always Romantic, or they’re Not Always Healthy, they should be Not Always Hopeless. We hope that when they’re Not Always Working or Not Always Learning, they enjoy their time together, but avoid things that are Not Always Legal.

And when things seem Not Always Friendly, and they feel they are Not Always Related, may they see things Unfiltered and remember that they both are Not Always Right.

May the happy couple have a long future that is full of love, harmony, happiness, and joy.



Congratulations from all of us at Not Always Right!

[florida80]

When In Love, There Is No “Maybe”

Arizona, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Church, Funny Kids, USA, Young Love | Romantic | June 13, 2018


(My 16-year-old sister and her boyfriend are sitting together before church. A young girl who is in the Sunday school class my sister teaches walks up to them. My sister is shy and very easily embarrassed.)

Girl: “Hi, [Sister]! Hey, who’s that?”

Sister: “Oh, this is [Boyfriend].”

Girl: “Oh, okay.” *pauses* “Wait, is he your boyfriend?“

Sister: *blushing furiously* “Er… Yes.”

Girl: *delighted* “Are you in love with each other?”

Sister: “Uh… Um… Heh… I really don’t know how to answer that—”

(The girl reaches out and pats her on the shoulder.)

Girl: “You just say yes, or no!”

[florida80]

This Is Not A Good Look For Her

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Restaurant, Victoria | Romantic | June 11, 2018


(My girlfriend and I head downtown, where she has repeatedly told me she is going to get me a “surprise.” We stop at a restaurant across from a shopping mall. I order something small, while she orders a fancy half-order of eggs benny. Shortly, our waiter returns.)

Waiter: “Okay, so, there was a mix-up in the kitchen, and instead of making you a half-order, they made you a full order. But don’t worry; we’ll only charge you for the half-order.”

(At this point I’m thinking, great! We can split it! Awesome!)

Girlfriend: “Actually, I want to head across the street for a bit. Can you just hold this for me until I come back?”

Waiter: “Well… we won’t be able to hold it; we’d just make you a new one when you get back…”

Girlfriend: “Okay, I’ll be back soon!”

(I was completely stunned. I wish I had told her to just stay and eat her food, but I was so speechless at her actions I just sat there staring at her as she left. The waiter went to the kitchen to throw the perfectly good meal in the garbage, and returned to ask me to move to a different table off in the corner. I then sat there for an ENTIRE HOUR waiting for my girlfriend to return, and when she got back acted like it was a completely normal thing to do, waited for and ate her original half-order of breakfast, and we left with her acting all bubbly and excited for the rest of the outing we’d had planned. I was too humiliated to personally apologize to our waiter, so I just left him a note on our table and tipped him 100%. When we got home, that night, she finally gave me my surprise: a ”sexy” new outfit for herself. She had taken so long because she had to keep trying on different ones. I wanted to strangle her.)

[florida80]

Just Keep It Away From The Bifrost

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Geeks Rule, home, Rude & Risque, Silly, USA | Romantic | June 9, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have not been intimate yet, but we can get a little frisky over the phone. At one point, I mention the necessity for her to come up with a name for my member.)

Me: “By the way, you should, like, probably think up a name to refer to… him.”

Girlfriend: *laughing* “Thor’s hammer!” *more laughter*

Me: “But his hammer was destroyed! By Hela’s grip nonetheless… his sister! Wow, I never put that together until just now. That’s kind of disturbing.”

Girlfriend: “But it’s an amazing name.”

Me: “You’re right. But are you worthy?”

Girlfriend: *arrogantly* “Well, I was able to lift it, so…”

Me: “Touché.”

[florida80]

How To Be His B****

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Oklahoma, Silly, USA | Romantic | June 7, 2018


(My boyfriend likes to try and be cute by making a certain sound when he sees me. Unfortunately, knowing what the only other circumstance he uses that sound under is dampens the effect somewhat.)

Boyfriend: *makes the sound*

Me: “Noooo…”

Boyfriend: “I love youuuu…”

Me: “And yet the sound of affection you make at me is also the one you make at dogs!”

Boyfriend: “…but I also love dogs.”

(He still makes that sound at me.)

[florida80]

It Was A Clean Attack

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, Phone, Silly, Technology, USA | Romantic | June 5, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have been playing separate computer games while on a voice call with each other. We have been silent for a while, but then I hear snoring.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], wake up. Wake up! [Boyfriend]! Wake up!”

Boyfriend: “Hm? Wha?”

Me: “You fell asleep. You should probably go to bed.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, but–NO! F***! S***! NO! GET AWAY! BAD! F***! F*** OFF, YOU DEMON VACUUM! No, no, f***, f***, GET AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER!”

Me: “Uh… Dear? This in your game or in real life?”

Boyfriend: “Real life. My roommate’s roomba came to life and tried to attack my computer tower…”

(His computer was fine, but I think that thoroughly woke the both of us.)

[florida80]

The Cup Runneth Over With Sarcasm

Holidays, home, New Jersey, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | June 2, 2018


(It is Mother’s Day. My son is down for his nap and I decide to go do the dishes that are in the sink and sitting on the counter. As I’m collecting the cups, my husband walks over to me and says not to worry about one cup because he will wash it since he used it. I just can’t help myself. I look at him, then to the whole sink of dishes, then back to him again.)

Me: “Really? Oh, happy day! You’re going to wash one whole cup? Oh, my! This really is the best Mother’s Day ever!”

(By now he’s laughing so hard he can’t speak.)

Me: “Oh! Do you think for my birthday you would wash two whole cups? And three on Christmas?”

Husband: *laughing* “Shut up!”

Me: “One whole cup washed that I don’t have to worry about! Oh, my day has come!”

(He really couldn’t stop laughing. And I now have plans to ask him to wash one whole cup come my birthday, Labor Day, Christmas, and any other holiday I can think of. He really is a good husband! I just love messing with him.)

[florida80]

When Tea Can Be Extra Hot

home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | June 1, 2018


(My husband’s name starts with T. There is a saying, “She just wants the D,” meaning a woman is interested in certain male attention. We are lying in bed and my husband starts rubbing up against me. He asks if I have any plans to get up and I respond jokingly:)

Me: “I just want the T.”

(My husband stops what he is doing.)

Husband: “Oh.”

(A moment later he gets out of bed.)

Me: “Where are you going?

Husband: “You wanted tea.”

[florida80]

Adventures Of The Lesbian Thespian

Harassment, Jerk, LGBTQ, Ohio, School, Strangers, USA | Romantic | May 31, 2018


(It is the 1980s. I’m male with long hair but can’t be considered feminine by any stretch of the imagination. I try out for a part in the school play. I’m hanging out with friends afterwards, discussing various actors and actresses whose methods we like.)

Me: “You know, my parents would be so upset if they knew I wanted to be a thespian.”

(At that point, a young woman nearby jumps up from her table and storms over to where I’m at.)

Woman: “You don’t have to pitch your voice so low if you want to be a lesbian!”

(I blink and look over to where she’s hovering an inch away from me.)

Me: “Lesbian? Well, I do like women, so… but no, we’re talking about thespians. You know, actors and actresses.”

Woman: “It’s okay to be a lesbian. I’m one. Why are you trying to look all manly?”

Me: “Uh, because I am a man.”

Woman: *now screeching* “No, you’re not! Why are you trying to act all butch? Is it because of your friends?”

(She then started screaming at them for trying to get me to act male. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stood up and grabbed my crotch and yelled, “To thine own self be true!” It was then that she realize that I was indeed a man, turned bright red, and stormed off. Every since that day, I’ve been called the lesbian thespian by my friends.)

[florida80]

Vợ Chồng Không Duyên Không Gặp, Không Nợ không Đến











Trên đường đời tấp nập, người với người gặp nhau rồi trở thành bằng hữu tâm giao hay vợ chồng… hết thảy đều do hai chữ “duyên phận”. Tuy vậy, việc đối xử với nhau tốt xấu thế nào lại phải xét đến vấn đề nợ nghiệp.




Vì sao có một số phụ nữ thường phàn nàn về người chồng của mình?





Người phụ nữ từ thời khắc được gả làm vợ của một người đàn ông thì họ đã đem toàn bộ tâm, thân giao phó cho người đàn ông này. Sau khi kết hôn, họ sẽ phải một mực yêu thương gia đình và chăm sóc chồng con.

Tuy nhiên, có những người cả đời không nhận được một câu động viên khích lệ của chồng. Thậm chí có người còn bị chồng lạnh nhạt, không coi trọng. Thế là họ sinh ra bực bội, than vãn và phàn nàn về người chồng của mình.




Nếu xét về mặt nhân quả trong đạo lý nhà Phật thì đây là do kiếp trước người vợ đã thiếu nợ người chồng ở kiếp này của mình. Người vợ đã bao giờ từng nghĩ: “Tại sao mình không lấy người khác mà lại lấy chồng mình bây giờ?” Đó là bởi vì người vợ thiếu nợ người chồng nên kiếp này được gả cho anh ta để trả nợ. Nếu như không thiếu nợ thì sẽ không đến, không có duyên thì sẽ không tụ.




Có người phụ nữ lại nói: “Tôi không nợ chồng tôi thứ gì cả, bởi vì chồng tôi đối xử rất tốt với tôi!”. Điều này là bởi vì ông chồng ở kiếp trước mới là người đã mắc nợ. Không có nợ thì sẽ không tạo thành một gia đình.

Có những người đàn ông chỉ vì mong muốn lấy được người vợ đó mà chấp nhận làm hết mọi việc từ chăm sóc gia đình đến nuôi dưỡng con cái… Đây chẳng phải là vì thiếu nợ sao? Chỉ là trong xã hội đa phần chúng ta chứng kiến đều là phụ nữ thiếu nợ đàn ông mà thôi.




Có người phụ nữ lại than rằng: “Tại sao tôi lại lấy được một người chồng vô dụng như vậy? Làm gì cũng không thành?”

Người phụ nữ kiểu này đi đâu cũng chỉ trích chồng của mình là vô dụng, không làm được việc gì cả, việc kiếm sống toàn là do bản thân mình đảm nhiệm. Kỳ thực, đó là bởi vì ở kiếp trước, người đàn ông này đã vì người vợ mà dốc hết sức mình. Cho nên, ở kiếp này người vợ phải đền bù tổn thất đó cho người chồng. Đây không phải là người vợ gặp xui xẻo mà bởi vì kiếp trước đã gieo nhân nào thì kiếp này sẽ nhận được quả đó.




Cũng có cặp vợ chồng rất hòa thuận, vợ chồng đối xử với nhau rất tốt, sẵn lòng vì nhau. Nhưng người vợ lại không mấy hòa hợp với mẹ chồng. Đây là vì người vợ đã thiếu nợ mẹ chồng của mình ở kiếp trước. Nếu như giữa mẹ chồng và con dâu bất hòa cũng đều là do oan thân, chủ nợ ở kiếp trước gặp lại trong kiếp này.

Phật gia giảng rằng, chấp nhận là có thể chấm dứt được oan nghiệp này. Cho nên, người vợ và người chồng đều nên giữ tâm bình tĩnh, chấp nhận người bạn đời của mình.




Người phụ nữ được gả cho người đàn ông nào thì đều là mệnh của họ. Hết thảy những người mà hôm nay chúng ta gặp đều là đã có trong mệnh rồi, đều là nhân gieo trồng từ kiếp trước, hôm nay mới nhận được quả như vậy. Đàn ông cũng vậy, không nợ sẽ không đến.




Cho nên, trong gia đình, vợ chồng đừng nên trách mắng nhau, bởi vì như vậy, nợ kiếp trước chưa giải quyết xong lại tăng thêm nợ ở kiếp này, tức là “nghiệp cũ chưa hết lại thêm nghiệp mới.” Hãy đối xử tử tế với nhau để hóa giải nợ kiếp trước.

Phật gia có câu: “Chúng sinh là bình đẳng”. Người chồng hay người vợ không phải là tài sản riêng của mình, chỉ là có một đoạn nhân duyên với mình ở kiếp trước, kiếp này đến để kết thúc đoạn nhân duyên đó mà thôi.




Duyên tận duyên tán, tất cả sẽ phân ly. Đừng oán trách người chồng hay người vợ của mình mà hãy chấp nhận, bỏ công sức ra nhiều hơn, lặng lẽ giúp đỡ người kia nhiều hơn từ lúc này, bạn chắc chắn sẽ nhận được quả ngọt. Phàn nàn người khác cũng chỉ là tự làm hại mình mà thôi.




Theo Daikynguyenvn

[florida80]

Những Gì Đáng Sợ Hơn Cái Chết? - Vũ Thạch









Nhân đọc tin hàng trăm người chết tại một thôn Phước Thiện, Quảng Ngãi với 90% do bị ung thư, xin gởi lại quí bạn đọc bài sau đây).




"Chết diễm phúc phải là chết già, trên giường, và có người chung quanh khóc ầm ĩ".




Ít nhất đó là hình ảnh hầu hết người Việt chúng ta được dậy từ thuở nhỏ. Hơn thế nữa, chúng ta còn nghĩ hình ảnh "chết lý tưởng", "chết êm ả" đó cũng là ước muốn chung của loài người. Chí ít cũng bao gồm mọi người thuộc văn hóa Đông phương.




Nhưng thật thế không?




Có ngay thí dụ: Một trong những điều giới võ sĩ đạo Nhật sợ nhất là phải chết già, chết trên giường. Họ tha thiết cầu phật khấn thần để đừng phải chết như vậy. Cảnh một samurai lưng còng, chân tay run rẩy, không cử động được theo ý muốn, ngay cả đi đứng cũng phải cậy dựa vào người khác là cơn ác mộng đối với họ. Rõ ràng viễn cảnh trở nên "vô dụng" đối với họ đáng lo hơn cái chết.




Và có thể nói hầu hết chiến binh phương Đông, từ Mông Cổ đến Trung Hoa, Nhật Bản, Hàn Quốc, Việt Nam, đều khoái được "da ngựa bọc thây" hơn nằm giường.




Sang đến văn hóa phương Tây thì người ta lại càng không thích để lại hình ảnh chết già. Người càng có học, có tài, có tiếng càng muốn cả người thân lẫn công chúng chỉ nhớ tới thời điểm cực thịnh mà họ đẹp nhất, thành công nhất, quyền thế nhất, hay sáng chói nhất về trí tuệ. Rõ ràng họ quan tâm đến di sản họ để lại hơn cái chết rất nhiều.




Do đó, quan điểm 'chết già là sướng' chẳng đáng được điểm cao đến thế đâu. Và ngược lại 'chết lúc chưa già' cũng chưa chắc đáng sợ như ta vẫn nghĩ. Còn lắm thứ đáng sợ hơn cái chết nhiều.




Nhiều cán bộ lớn tuổi tâm sự điều mà họ sợ nhất vào cuối cuộc đời là phải nhìn lại những gì họ đã làm hay không làm trong những năm dài đã qua. Từ đó, họ sợ những nạn nhân đang chờ họ ở thế giới bên kia hơn sợ cái chết, vì chết chỉ là ngưỡng cửa bước qua trong khoảng khắc. Với thời đại Internet, chúng ta có thể thấy được khá nhiều lãnh đạo đảng đi qua giai đoạn cuối đời như vậy, kể cả những hung thần một thời như Tố Hữu, Lê Đức Anh, Lê Khả Phiêu, ...




Cũng có lãnh đạo sợ phải đối diện những người bạn đang chờ họ bên kia thế giới hơn cả cái chết. Đó là những đồng đội mà họ từng phản bội hay bỏ rơi để giữ an toàn cho bản thân, kể cả những người đứng lên theo lời kêu gọi của họ. Chúng ta có thể thấy loại ân hận đó ở những ông Võ Văn Kiệt, Võ Nguyên Giáp, ...




Và cũng có những lãnh đạo sợ phải thừa nhận mình đã sống qua cả một cuộc đời vô ích, vô nghĩa, vô vị. Vì quá lo an toàn cho bản thân mà chẳng để lại được gì, chẳng hoàn thành được gì. Mà cái chết, tức lằn ranh sau cùng của an toàn, vẫn đến, chẳng né tránh được. Hơn thế nữa, họ phải thừa nhận chính họ là một phần của cỗ máy đem lại điêu linh cho biết bao người khác. Chúng ta có thể nhận ra loại tâm tư này ở những ông Phạm Văn Đồng, Trần Quang Cơ, ...




Trong tình trạng thê thảm của dân khí hiện nay, chúng ta khó còn cảm được lời dạy của cha ông: Chết vinh hơn sống nhục. Nhưng 5 chữ đó là kết tinh kinh nghiệm sống của biết bao cuộc đời. Một trong những lý do chết vinh hơn sống nhục là vì "sống nhục" chỉ được một thời gian ngắn rồi vẫn dẫn đến cái chết, mà luôn là "chết nhục". Mọi hối tiếc vào lúc sắp "chết nhục" đều đã quá trễ.




Qui luật đó ứng dụng cho cả nhân loại chứ không riêng gì người Việt. Gần 80 năm trước, hàng triệu người Do Thái khi gần chết trong trại tập trung của Đức Quốc Xã mới quặn lòng hối tiếc đã không tham gia kháng chiến vì sợ chết; hối tiếc đã không mang thân ra hứng đạn cản đường cho vợ con chạy trốn vì sợ chết; hối tiếc đã riu ríu kéo cả nhà lên xe vào trại tập trung vì sợ chết, ... để rồi giờ đây vẫn chết, chết riêng từng người, chết từng phần cơ thể vì kiệt lực, và chết với nhận thức từng người trong gia đình mình ở đâu đó cũng đang chết dần ở mức dưới hàng súc vật như mình. Đối với họ cái đau của hối tiếc lớn hơn cái đau của sự chết.




Ngày nay, tại nước ta, cả dân tộc đang bị đẩy vào loại chọn lựa đó. Gần nhất là những bà con tại 4 tỉnh miền Trung đang sống dở chết dở vì thảm họa môi trường do Formosa gây ra. Nhiều người đang phân vân: đứng lên đấu tranh đòi tẩy rửa môi trường bây giờ có thể bị trấn áp nhưng dẫu có chết đi nữa thì vẫn hơn cảnh ngồi nhìn từng người trong gia đình nhiễm ung thư, đau đớn nhiều năm tháng, rồi lần lượt ra đi, kể cả bản thân mình. Cái đau của hối tiếc sẽ lớn hơn nhiều cái đau của sự chết. Còn nếu đứng lên đấu tranh giành lại môi sinh bây giờ, gia đình mình sẽ sống.




Dĩ nhiên câu hỏi lương tâm này cũng được đặt ra cho từng người chúng ta chứ chẳng riêng gì bà con 4 tỉnh miền Trung. Chất độc nay không chỉ có trong cá mà trong hầu hết mọi loại thực phẩm và không từ một ai trên cả nước. Liệu chúng ta có dám chấp nhận để đứng lên mạnh mẽ đòi nhà cầm quyền phải đóng ngay các cánh cửa dẫn chất độc vào Việt Nam? hay ngồi chờ ngày ung thư đến đón từng người trong gia đình ra đi?




Và còn nhiều quốc nạn khác nữa, đặc biệt là số phận của đất nước sau thời điểm 2020. Liệu chúng ta có dám chấp nhận để đứng lên bảo vệ chủ quyền đất nước ngay bây giờ, bất kể những kẻ cứ nhất định ôm chân quân xâm lược? hay ngồi chờ ngày "chết nhục" dưới chân chủ mới như dân tộc Tây Tạng? Đến lúc đó có muốn chọn lại cũng đã quá muộn.

oOo


Chẳng ai muốn tìm lấy cái chết nhưng nghĩ cho cùng chết có phải là chuyện khủng khiếp nhất chưa?

[florida80]

He’s In His Own Little Box

home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | May 30, 2018


(I love my husband, but my biggest pet peeve with him is his tendency to completely zone out on me if he’s on his phone, reading, watching a movie, etc. He will literally not notice things happening right in front of him when he’s “in the zone.” I know this, so I try to make sure he’s actually paying attention if I’m saying something to him. Sometimes, though, the things he misses still baffle me. A couple examples:)

Me: *carries full dog bowls into the living room, where he is reading a newspaper, followed by three large, happily barking dogs* “Yay, puppy dinner! Who’s ready for dinner? Here we go!”

Husband: *thirty minutes later* “Hey, did the dogs eat dinner?”

Me: “Yes. Loudly and literally right in front of you.”

(One evening, I spend almost an hour in our enclosed porch, in full view from his spot on the couch, breaking down old boxes and straightening up.)

Me: *coming back into the house and sneezing multiple times* “Wow, that last box was covered in pollen! I can already feel my sinuses clogging up.”

Husband: *looks up from his phone* “What box?”

Me: “I just spent an hour tearing apart boxes and cleaning up the sunroom.”

Husband: “Oh, okay. Good job.”

(The next day.)

Me: “Ugh… my nose is so stuffy from that pollen yesterday.”

Husband: “What pollen?”

Me: “From the boxes.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “The boxes I spent nearly an hour tearing apart in the sunroom? I was cleaning up out there? You could see me through the window.”

(A couple days after that, we’re taking the dogs for a walk and decide to walk out through the sunroom.)

Husband: “Hey, it looks cleaner in here.”

Me: “Seriously? I straightened up the other night, when I was breaking down the boxes.”

Husband: “What boxes?”

Me: “Do you even notice when I’m gone?!”

[florida80]

Planning For A Wedding Can Be A Tram-Wreck

Bizarre, Engaged, Public Transportation, The Netherlands, Train Station | Romantic | May 29, 2018


(My girlfriend and I decide to get married. Since we want to avoid unpleasant surprises, we want to have a prenuptial agreement — which in the Netherlands also covers property agreements during your marriage — and testaments, for which we have to visit a solicitor in a different town. We don’t have a car, so for the first meeting, I leave work early and take the train back to our hometown, where I meet my fiancée at the station and we take a bus to the other town. There, we are supposed to take a tram.)

Fiancée: “We must take tram three in the direction of The Hague, at platform two.”

(Unfortunately, we don’t see any signs with the platform numbers. I do, however, see a sign saying that on the nearest platform, tram three will come in. The direction is also right, so we wait for the tram and when it arrives, we get in. But after a few stops, I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait… Are we going the right way? The names of the stops don’t end up.”

Fiancée: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Look, we are going out of [Town]. I think we’re going the wrong way!”

Passenger: “Where do you need to go?”

Fiancée: “[Town]’s station.”

Passenger: “This tram is going to The Hague.”

Fiancée: “Oh, dear, that’s all wrong!”

(We get out at the first stop. It turns out that tram three makes two stops at the station, since it makes a circle through the town before leaving for The Hague. But since we couldn’t tell the platforms from each other, we took the wrong one. We take the first tram back. Another passenger tries to help out.)

Passenger #2: “If you get out at the next stop, you can go to the platforms on the higher level and take tram five. That’s quicker.”

(This turns out to make matters worse for us, since we have to hurry and don’t know which platform upstairs is the right one. In the end, we miss this tram and have to wait for ten minutes, while it’s cold and rainy. My fiancée feels terrible from all the stress and is nearly crying. Finally, we get the right tram and manage to get to the solicitor’s office. We have notified them that we would be a bit late, and they do not mind. Finally, we take the bus back to our hometown.)

Me: “You know what the most given ticket in [Solicitor’s Town] is?”

Fiancée: “No?”

Me: “Excessive speed. Everyone wants to get out.”

(Months later, we have to go visit the solicitor again to sign our prenuptial agreement and testaments. Over the last months, we have left our small apartment and moved to a bigger house in a different village. Obviously we are delighted that we can get to the solicitor all by train now. No more trams! Instead, we take a train to a nearby town, and then we can board a regional train, which goes in the direction of The Hague and makes a stop at the station in [Solicitor’s Town]. When in the latter train, once again I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait, I don’t see any stops on the screen. Is this the right train? I already thought it left a bit early.”

Fiancée: “You mean…”

Me: “I think we accidentally boarded the InterCity. This train won’t stop at [Town], only at The Hague!”

(After arriving in The Hague, we have to make a run to catch a train that will stop at our station. Again, we arrive a bit late at the solicitor’s office, but once again they are nice and polite and everything ends on a happy note. We leave the office and go back to our house.)

Fiancée: “I think [Town] is cursed.”

(At our wedding, I can’t resist making a joke about our trouble when giving a speech about how much I admire all the effort my fiancée — now wife — has done for the wedding:)

Me: “She even ventured out with me, two times, in order to visit the Accursed City! The Town That Does Not Live! Where ugly, tall buildings rise up around you and close you in. Where zombie-like troglodytes stumble around in the streets, mindless, joyless. I am, of course, talking about… [Solicitor’s Town]!’

(It was the best laugh we got during the speech.)

[florida80]

A Shot Of Hard Truth

Cheaters, Engaged, Finland, home | Romantic | May 28, 2018


(My friend and I recently became roommates because she wanted to move away from her fiancé. They’re still together, but figured they need some time apart. I’m friends with both of them and he visits us often. This day isn’t any different, except there’s also someone else visiting her. I let him in.)

Me: “Oh, hi, I didn’t know you were coming.”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, is [Girlfriend] home?”

Me: “She is… Would you like a cup of coffee or tea… or a shot of vodka?”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “…?”

(I go knock on her door and she comes out with another guy, shirt backwards, both red and panting. Kind of obvious that they’ve had sex.)

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, I’m going to take that shot now, please.”

[florida80]

Drive You To Have Fun

Australia, Awesome, Best Friends, Fights/Breakups, home, Melbourne | | Romantic | May 23, 2018


(I’ve had a rough couple of months, splitting up with my abusive partner, changing stores for work, and moving to a new place. I have scraped together basic furniture but have no luxuries like a washing machine, TV, or stereo. I also regularly walk 35 minutes to work, then wait 45 minutes in the dark to catch the last bus home. My closest friends and family all live in another state, about a 10-hour drive away. This year my birthday falls on a long weekend. My best friend rings me early on the Friday morning.)

Best Friend: “Hey, how are you? Sorry if I woke you.”

Me: “No, that’s okay. I’ve got to see if the laundromat is open today, anyway. I’m okay. How are you?”

Best Friend: “I’m good. Since I got a bonus at work, [Housemate], [Close Friend], [Other Close Friend], and I are on a road trip down the coast. Just thought I’d check in on you.”

Me: “Oh, that’s sweet. I hope you guys have a good time. Say hi to everyone.”

Best Friend: “Will do. Any plans for your birthday?”

Me: “Nope. Just some housework.”

(We chatted for a few minutes before hanging up. A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door. I opened it to find my friends. My best friend had bought me a good secondhand car with six months rego on it, a new washing machine and dryer, TV, and stereo, among other little things. My friends then hired a trailer, packed up the car, and made the long trip to surprise me for my birthday. They had booked a nice motel, took me shopping for new clothes, out for dinner on my birthday and sightseeing around the city, before flying home on Sunday, without me spending a cent. My best friend had spent pretty much all of the money from his bonus on the car and other things for my flat, while my other friends had pooled their money and paid for their flights, the motel, and shopping. I will be ever grateful for their love and support.)

[florida80]

Triple Threat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Harassment, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | May 21, 2018


(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since.)

[florida80]

Achieved Nothing

Geneva, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners, Switzerland | | Romantic | May 20, 2018


(I usually look after the house and shopping on weekends, but today, I’ll be busy working during shopping hours while my husband will be in charge of the house and our seven-year-old son. I leave him a short list of things we need, and insist he has to at least get cat sand so we can change the litter boxes. It’s Saturday, and pet shops are closed on Sundays. I come back from work seven hours later and have this conversation:)

Me: “So, how did the day go?”

Husband: “Good! We went to the swimming pool!”

Me: “Cool! Did you do the shopping? Did you forget anything?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Me: “Really? You even got the cat sand?”

Husband: “No, we got nothing. We just went to the pool.”

(I had to run out and get food. Cats will have to wait till Monday for sand.)

[florida80]

Observed Something In Passing (Out)

Blood Donation, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, Health & Body | | Romantic | May 18, 2018


(In high school, I go with my girlfriend when she donates blood. I recently got a piercing, so I can’t donate. After, in the recovery room, she keeps bending over to look under the table. The first few times I look, too, but I don’t see anything interesting.)

Me: “What do you keep looking at?”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: “You keep looking at something under the table!”

Girlfriend: “Oh! I’m not looking at anything; I’m passing out.”

(I went and grabbed a nurse. Kind of put me off donating blood!)

[florida80]

Wakey Wakey, Cheese And Bakey

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ellenwood, Georgia, Silly, USA |
Romantic | May 16, 2018

(I am pregnant, and though I have gotten past morning sickness for the most part, I am still not a morning person. My boyfriend has also discovered how to use my cravings to his advantage. My boyfriend’s alarm goes off, and he gently shakes me while hitting the snooze button.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, it’s time to get up.”

(I ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again, and he hits snooze.)

Boyfriend: “C’mon, let’s get up. We’ve got things to do today.”

(I roll over and ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again.)

Boyfriend: *quietly in my ear* “Cheese fries.”

Me: *stomach growls loudly, I open one eye* “Mmph.”

Boyfriend: “If you get up, I’ll get you some cheese fries. Just for you.”

Me: *sitting up* “Mmph. With bacon?”

[florida80]

Cash, Credit, Or Creep?

Grocery Store, Harassment, Strangers, USA | Romantic | May 14, 2018


(I’m a new cashier and female. It’s a pretty slow day. This customer looks to be in his early 30s and his items are wine and a box of condoms. He winks at me and I catch a whiff of his cologne.)

Customer #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “We could use these together if you want, kitten.”

Me: “Sir, the only thing cheaper than that line is your cologne. Also, I’m 16, and you’re holding up the line. Your total is [total]. Cash or credit?”

(He sheepishly pays and leaves. [Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] lets out a small chuckle.)

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “That’s one way to ward off creeps

[florida80]

A Thousand Reasons To Kick You Out Right Now

Casino, Harassment, Las Vegas, Nevada, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | May 13, 2018


(I work in a casino in Las Vegas, a city famous for its casinos… and prostitutes. A guy walks up with a group of friends and starts talking to me. He says I am beautiful, asks what my sign is, and informs me that he “won big at the casino and is moving to Vegas.” I am unimpressed.)

Me: “Winning big can mean many things. One thousand dollars is winning big.”

Guy: *laughs* “Would a thousand dollars change your life?”

(I ponder my upcoming phone bill, and rent, and union dues, so, yes, a thousand dollars would change my life for about a month.)

Guy: “If I gave you a thousand dollars, could I f*** you?”

Me: “I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!” *walks away*

(He tried to apologize, and his friends told him to just leave me alone. He claimed I “misunderstood. ” No, I understood, and I am not for sale!)

[florida80]

Divorce On Course

Bad Behavior, Divorce, home, USA | Romantic | May 12, 2018


(My best friend has finally made the decision to leave her husband. She has been wanting to for about a year, but kept trying to make it work, which has failed. She records the actual break-up conversation and shows it to me. And I just have to share.)

Husband: *enters kitchen*

Wife: “Hey, [Husband], would you please come sit at the table with me for a moment? We need to talk.”

Husband: “Okaaaay.”

(He sits down slowly, obviously confused by her tone.)

Wife: “We’ve been married nearly three years now.”

Husband: “Yes, best three years of my life, Honey Bunny.”

Wife: “Uh-huh… See, that’s where we differ.”

Husband: “What are you talking about?”

Wife: “On our wedding day, I promised to love and respect you. And you also made that promise to me.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s how wedding vows work.”

Wife: “Uh-huh. But I’m the only one that kept that promise.”

Husband: *jumping from his chair* “What the hell are y—”

Wife: “I’m still speaking.” *she gives him a scary “shut up” look and he sits back in his chair* “After we were married, you begged me to quit my job. It was an amazing job, that I loved, that I was good at, and that was about to give me an amazing promotion. I quit it, for you. Then, we had to sell my vehicle, because without my job, we couldn’t afford repairs. Then I got pregnant. And when I was six months pregnant, we just had to move. Because the state we had to move to is the only state that had the specific health facilities you needed. So, I gave birth with a doctor I barely knew, surrounded by strangers. Except for you, obviously. But then you went home, and I was alone and exhausted taking care of a newborn at the hospital for three days. Visits from you were quick and brief. I didn’t even have a cell phone of my own, so I had no one to talk to. And then you decided that we just had to move again, twelve hours away, four days after I had just given birth. Our daughter is now a year and a half old, and you have changed a total of two diapers, and made maybe five bottles, and never without complaint. For the last two years, I don’t think I’ve had a single orgasm. I’ve even told you, begged you, to put more effort into our love life. Instead, you tell me to ‘take care of it myself’ while you use me as a personal human masturbator. You always achieve release and receive many oral favors, never giving anything in return. I feel like a blow-up doll. Since our daughter was born, you constantly talk down on me like I’m stupid, despite the fact that you’re usually wrong. I’ve pointed this out many times. You act as if you own me. I’m not allowed to wear certain clothes, get an actual job, or even see my family that moved across the country to live in the same town as us. I could probably go on, but I’ve made my point. I don’t like you, and I want a divorce. You can still be a father; I’d prefer it if you would. I’m not going to punish a child because our marriage didn’t work. Any questions?”

Husband: *has been silently crying and staring down at the table* “We could try couples counseling.”

Wife: “I thought of that, too. But, you know what? I’ve pointed out most of these issues a million times. A couple of them put me into a rage-filled depression. That’s a weird emotion to have. Even if counseling did help, why would I stay with someone that has to be told, by someone other than me, the exact same things I already told him? You’re not a child I’m going to go tattle on every time you do something I already told you not to do. This is an emotionally controlling marriage, and I’m tired of it. I will not have my daughter see this marriage as her example of what to expect. I’d have her live to be an old spinster, alone, if it meant she could avoid wasting years on misery like this.”

Husband: “You’re going to regret leaving me.”

Wife: “Hmm. No, I’m not. There’s another thing I forgot to mention. My sister has a lot of friends; she’s very popular, you know. Well, one of her many friends sent her this.”

(She pulls up a picture on her phone. It’s a screenshot of a message conversation with his cell number, with pictures of him. ALL of him. He just stares blankly at the phone.)

Wife: “So… I’ve been planning on leaving for a while. This just kind of makes it all the more easier. This is how it’s going to work: I had to quit my job and stay home with our child, so I have no money. You make pretty good money and made it your mission to not let me have a penny. You’re going to pay alimony only long enough for me to get a job and a place. Once that’s done, no more alimony. But then, you’ll pay child support. Nothing extravagant, just enough to help a little. And if you want to be a father, just let me know. We can set up a schedule to share. But I have to know of every person you bring around our child. If you bring in a ‘Buddy’ or girlfriend before introducing them to me, you won’t see your daughter. Don’t worry; you won’t have to pay support if you don’t see her. That seems a bit cruel to me.”

Husband: “I don’t have the money to support you.”

Wife: “There it is again: you thinking I’m stupid. You get a specific set amount of money every month, and all the bills combined don’t even use up a quarter of it. That’s why you spend insane amounts of money on things you’ll never use again. I do the taxes, budgeting, and bills, dumba**. Everything is well-documented. You try to hide away anything, I’ll know, and I’ll report it. I’m not demanding the house, and I’m not demanding extreme amounts of money. I’m demanding the bare minimum of what I’m due after wasting three years on you.”

(I was already headed over to pick up her and her daughter. They didn’t have that many belongings, since he didn’t like to spend money on them, so it was quick to load up and go. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep, people. Respect your life partner.)

[florida80]

They Were Not In Concert When They Got To The Concert

Concert, Fights/Breakups, Jerk, Massachusetts, USA, Worcester | Romantic | May 11, 2018


(I’m at a concert for a group I’m just getting into. I only know one of their songs but I’m having a great time. They take a pause, and the lead singer walks to the front of the stage.)

Singer: “When we were just getting here, we ran into a guy outside who was crying. He told us his girlfriend had just broken up with him, here. He’d been so pumped about going to a concert with his girlfriend, and once they got here, she left for good. So! Everyone in the audience! SAY, ‘THAT’S BULLS***!’”

Audience: “THAT’S BULLS***!”

Singer: “THAT’S BULLS***!”

Audience: “THAT’S BULLS***!”

(The concert proceeded as normal from that point on. To those of you who have been broken up with at events you and your partner went to together: that’s bulls***.)

[florida80]

Adding A Little Flavor To The Marriage

Food & Drink, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | May 10, 2018


(Usually my husband and I share snacks, but occasionally I have some that I would rather keep to myself. Also, my husband has claimed that he does not like M&Ms. I like to mix several different flavors of M&M together, and I keep them where I think they are hidden. One day, I see that my stash has been found and gotten into, but I just shrug it off and say nothing. However, my husband brings it up:)

Husband: “Did you mix some different kinds of M&Ms together in that bag?”

Me: “Yes, I did. It’s peanut butter, pretzel, and caramel M&Ms. It’s effing delicious.”

Husband: “I thought so. I was trying to avoid the caramel ones.”

Me: “Well, one good way to avoid the caramel ones is to get your own damn M&Ms and stay out of mine.”

(He did not stay out of my M&Ms.)

[florida80]

Budged More Than A Few Inches

Florida, Hair Salon, Rude & Risque, Silly, Tampa Bay, USA | Romantic | May 8, 2018


(I’m at the salon getting my hair cut with my stylist who I have been going to for nearly five years. We know each other quite well and both have a similar, snarky sense of humor. The stylist at the chair to our left brings over her new client, a stunning young woman in her 20s, with beautiful, thick blonde hair down to about the bottom of her waist.)

Other Stylist: “So, what are you looking for today?”

Client: “I just want about two inches taken off.”

(She then indicates with her hand what would be between four to six inches. My stylist and I lock eyes in the mirror and try not to laugh. The stylist and client go off to the sinks.)

Me: “Her boyfriend is SOOOOO lucky!”

[florida80]

Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Rude & Risque, Silly, Victoria | Romantic | May 7, 2018


(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when he updates me on what’s happening in his game.)

Significant Other: “Hey, baby, I just f***** the princess!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s awesome, hun. Want to do it again?”

Significant Other: “Nah, I don’t think I can get back to that part of the game again, because it’s story-based.”

Me: “Uh… Babe…”

Significant Other: “What?”

Me: *raises eyebrow, looks down at towel covering me, looks back at oblivious fool*

Significant Other: “Oh. Well, then…” *races me to the bedroom*

[florida80]

Queen Of The Dead

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, College & University, Illinois, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | May 6, 2018


(My anatomy and physiology class has started cadaver dissections, and although the professor is on hand to help or answer questions, he tries to let us do as much of it as possible. When a student accidentally nicks his palm with the scalpel, the professor ducks out of the lab to help him disinfect and bandage it, and since I have to change my gloves anyway, I take the opportunity to text my boyfriend.)

Me: “Warning: unsupervised undergrads with scalpels.”

Boyfriend: “It’s important to stab someone first to establish superiority.”

Me: “Nah, [Classmate] managed to stab himself with no help from me, which is why we’re currently unsupervised. My superiority is already established by my ability to properly wield the tools of dissection. I rule as Queen.”

Boyfriend: “Enjoy your reign of the land of corpses, and for any potential mutineers, threaten that they shall share the fate of the unwilling subjects of evisceration!”

Me: “The dissection cadavers donated their bodies to science, though; they’re not unwilling.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Well, enjoy your stint as the queen of the dead things, then! Stir-fry tonight?”

(This counts as normal for us. He may be The One.)

[florida80]

You May Be An Idiot, But You’re MY Idiot

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, New York, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | May 4, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are texting about a stupid way he injured himself. As we’re saying goodbye, because he has to leave, I say:)

Me: “I love you, too, idiotic boyfriend.”

Boyfriend: “I will always be like this.”

Me: “You won’t stay an idiotic boyfriend forever.”

Boyfriend: “You’re right; I’ll evolve.”

Me: “Into?”

Boyfriend: “From idiotic boyfriend into idiotic husband.”

Me: “I was thinking corpse, but husband is good, too.”

[florida80]

A Vampire And A Vulture

Bizarre, California, Doctors, Harassment, Hospital, USA | Romantic | May 2, 2018


(I’m 20 and have just had an appendectomy, but I also went in hypokalemic, so before they discharge me they want to check my blood. This happens around six am, so I’m very sleepy. The phlebotomist looks like he is about 40 years old. I should also add I hate my blood getting drawn, and I am NOT a morning person.)

Phlebotomist: “Good morning! I’m here to draw your blood so we can check and make sure you’re good to go! Might I say, you are very pretty!”

Me: “Um… Okay?”

Phlebotomist: *turning to my mom* “Might I be able to take your daughter on a date when she is recovered?”

Mom: *stunned*

Phlebotomist: “Don’t worry; it’ll be after she is recovered. My wife divorced me a few years ago, and I think she—” *meaning me* “—would like me very much.”

Mom: *trying to be nice to the man with a needle in my arm* “Well, sir, we aren’t from this area. She just had emergency surgery, but we live somewhere else.”

Phlebotomist: “That is no problem. I can come visit when she is feeling better.”

(At this time, he is done drawing my blood, and stands there waiting for confirmation, never addressing what I think.)

Mom: “Sir, it’s very early, and I think my daughter would like to go back to sleep. I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

Phlebotomist: *to me* “What do you say? Would you like to go on a date?”

Me: “No. Bye.”

(Thankfully, I was discharged that morning.)

[florida80]

When Do We Not Need Chicken Nuggets?

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vermont | Romantic | April 30, 2018


What My Husband Said: “Thank you for putting up with my shenanigans.”

What I Heard: “Thank you for putting up with my chicken nuggets.”

(I tell him what I heard.)

Husband: “You need sleep, my wife.”

Me: “Or maybe I just need chicken nuggets.”

[florida80]

Whiskey And Die

Atlanta, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 29, 2018


(I’m talking with my girlfriend online. She tells me she is taking her sister in for some medical tests and asks me what I’m doing.)

Me: “I’m watching Criminal Minds and drinking whiskey.”

Girlfriend: “That sounds good, except for the Criminal Minds and the whiskey.”

[florida80]

“Gone” Travelling

Georgia, home, Spouses & Partners, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | April 28, 2018


(My mom is a dreamer and loves to travel. My father, on the other hand, is more of a homebody, and my mom lovingly refers to him as an old curmudgeon.)

Mom: “Man, I’d love to go to the beach. Or Paris. Or London.”

Dad: “Honey, when I’m gone, you can travel wherever you want to, whenever you want to.”

Mom: “Why do I have to wait?”

Dad: *pause* “Fair enough

[florida80]

Make Treatment Of Women Great Again

Bad Behavior, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Tourist Attraction, UK | Romantic | April 27, 2018


(I am on a tour of castles in the UK. One of the other passengers is a high-maintenance type who never stops complaining. Her husband seems like a nice enough guy, though on the quiet side. We are touring a 14th-century keep, and the guide is explaining some of the rather nasty stuff displayed on the wall, including an instrument of public punishment and humiliation for nagging wives. It’s an iron muzzle that straps around the victim’s face and through the mouth, pressing down on the tongue and preventing speech.)

Guide: “And this device is called a Scold’s Bridle.”

(He places it across his face to demonstrate.)

Husband: “Do they sell those in the gift shop?”

[florida80]

Winded And Wounded

home, Love/Romance, Minnesota, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 26, 2018


(My husband and I are lying in bed, both on our phones, before going to sleep. He’s laughing, apparently reading something funny.)

Husband: “I promise you that if I live to 100, I will still find fart jokes hilarious.”

Me: “Oh, hun, that’s optimistic of you. Like I’m going to let you live that long.”

[florida80]

50/50 Chance Of Keeping Quiet

Church, Math & Science, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | April 24, 2018


(I am a math teacher, and my husband is a bookkeeper working on an accounting degree, so we both do a lot of math. We attend a conservative church where women are expected to stay quiet. The sermon is about prophecies.)

Preacher: “The prophets weren’t like people today who make guesses about what might happen. For example, a weatherman might say it’s going to rain tomorrow. Well, he has a 50% chance of being right. It’s either going to rain, or it’s not.”

(I bite my tongue. My husband holds my hand.)

Preacher: “…and they might say the rain will start at three. And they’d have a 50% chance of being right, because the rain might start then, or it might not.”

(I hold my husband’s hand tight enough to leave fingernail marks, and start rocking in place. After the sermon, on the way home…)

Husband: “I can’t believe you managed to not say anything. Go ahead. Release the rant.”

Me: “That’s not how math works! Just because there’s two possibilities, it doesn’t make them equally likely!”

(I continued my rant all the way home. Now it’s a joke between us. If one of us asks what the chances are of anything, the other always answers “50%.”)

[florida80]

Kiss Goodbye Your First Kiss

Alaska, home, Marriage & Partners, Pranks, Siblings, USA, Wedding | Romantic | April 23, 2018


(I am six. My sister is nine and bossy. My mother works for her friend, who has two boys our age. We play together in their huge backyard.)

Sister: “Let’s play ‘Grownups’!”

Me: “How do you play it?”

Sister: “We pair up and have a double wedding.”

(We have a pretend wedding with the boys. Then, I notice my sister smiling at me funny.)

Me: “What?”

Sister: “You have to kiss him.”

Me: “No way! Ew!”

Sister: “You have to; he’s your husband!”

Me: “You and [Other Boy] didn’t!”

Sister: “We did; you weren’t looking.”

Me: “Yuck.”

(Somehow she was able to convince me to kiss my friend. It was just a peck, but it felt weird and nasty. I couldn’t understand why adults did it. She laughed and laughed. Much later, I realized that she had lied, and I still haven’t forgiven her for tricking me into using up my first kiss!)

[florida80]

Being Clean And Dirty At The Same Time

Australia, home, Love/Romance, New South Wales, Rude & Risque, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 22, 2018


(My husband and I are taking advantage of the kids being asleep to get intimate. Having not folded laundry in a week, we’ve accumulated a pile of it, which we have pushed off the bed first. We’ve just gotten naked and are now on the bed. I am face-down.)

Me: *coquettishly* “Now what are you going to do to me?”

Husband: *whisper-laughing* “Make you fold the laundry.”

Me: *laughing* “And they say romance is dead!”

[florida80]

When I’m With You, It’s Electric

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 19, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

[florida80]

No Need To Be Mooby About It

Best Friends, College & University, Flirting, Silly, UK | Romantic | April 16, 2018


(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my halls comes and sits next to me. I am female.)

Guy: “Hey, how about I buy you a drink, and then we can get out of here?”

Me: “Ah, I’m really sorry. I’m a lesbian.”

(This is true.)

Guy: *thinks for a minute* “I have moobs?”

(I immediately twigged that he wasn’t serious, and he’s been one of my best friends for the last seven years. I was even his best woman when he got married

[florida80]

Maybe Some People Shouldn’t Breed

Extra Stupid, home, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 13, 2018


(My husband and I have decided to try for a baby. Due to a medical issue, I have never been able to take hormonal birth control, so we’ve always used other methods. This takes place when we are getting intimate, and I am very sleep-deprived after a long week at work.)

Me: “Wait, wait, babe. Slow down.”

Husband: *pulls away from me, confused* “What’s up?”

Me: “We almost forgot.” *begins rummaging in the bedside cabinet*

Husband: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A condom. Are we out?”

Husband: *pauses* “Think about that for a minute

[florida80]

I’m Feline Crazy!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 10, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)

Me: “You know, I think we’re crazy cat people.”

Boyfriend: “Why? Because I’m crocheting a sweater vest for the cat?”

Me: “That may have something to do with it.”

[florida80]

The Number Of The Mistress

Bizarre, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Retail, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 7, 2018


(My store has a loyalty program with no card or keyring tag; we look customers up by their phone number. In cases where people are shopping for gifts and are not in the system or not interested in being in the system, we encourage people to give us the phone number of the parent of the child they’re shopping for, so they get the points for the purchase. For the sake of this story, we will say my husband’s phone number is (123) 456-7890.)

Me: “And your phone number for your rewards?”

Customer: “(123) 987-6543.”

Me: “Hmm, nothing under that number. Could it be under your home number?”

Customer: “Oh! It’s probably under my boyfriend’s number. He has kids! (123) 456-78—”

(At this point, my brain stops. I’m thinking, “This can’t be happening. She’s giving me MY HUSBAND’s phone number as her boyfriend’s. What are the odds of this happening?!”)

Customer: “—09.”

Me: *bursts out laughing in nervous relief* “Oh, you have no idea how relieved I am! I thought you were giving me my husband’s phone number! His is (123) 456-7890!”

Customer: *laughs hysterically* “That is great! I’m glad I’m not your husband’s mistress!”

[florida80]

You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

California, home, Language & Words, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 5, 2018


(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

[florida80]

Eating For Two, One Last Time

Car, Charlottesville, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 4, 2018


(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is driving me to our hospital, forty five minutes from home. I’m in the passenger seat, eyes tightly closed, counting my breathing and the miles under the tires. The car finally comes to a slow stop, and I’m ecstatic that we’ve arrived.)

Me: “Oh, thank God. I can’t take this much more! We’re there, right?”

Husband: “Uh, well…”

Outside The Car: “Welcome to [Tex Mex Fast Food Place]. Are you interested in a combo meal?”

(Two meals ordered, and we were back en route to the hospital ten minutes away. Nine years later, we still joke about being the couple that showed up in the labor and delivery ward with a duffel bag and Tex Mex.)

[florida80]

That’s Flawed Writing

Canada, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 3, 2018


(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)

Husband: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Yeah. I’m like a badly-written character out of a crappy love story, the way I manage to trip over nothing all the time.”

Husband: “In that case, at least it’s your only flaw.”

Me: *tries to get up and falls again* “I’d rather have flaws

[florida80]

Takes A Lecture To Get A Number

Australia, College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’m in a college tutorial class, where instead of a large seminar room, about 20 of us are sat in a smaller room with a few group tables. There is a table I’ve sat at because I think one of the guys is cute; however, I don’t say a word to him. The lecturer wants us to refer to our textbook for the tutorial, but I haven’t bought it yet. The guy I like has taken a picture of someone else’s book on his iPad.)

Guy: *glances over* “Do you want the picture?”

Me: “Uh… Yeah. Sure.”

Guy: “Okay, what’s your number? I can send it to you.”

Me: *being super clueless* “It’s okay; don’t worry!”

(I legitimately go to take a picture of his screen with my phone.)

Guy: “Er, I think sending it to your number is better.”

Me: “Huh?”

Guy: “Jesus. I want your number!”

(After the class, he messaged me and said I made his ploy to get my number quite awkward!)

[florida80]

Finally Doing The Thing

New York, Outdoors, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’ve been dating a guy for a while, things have been going pretty well, and he finally proposes!)

Boyfriend: “I was thinking about us getting married. What do you think?”

Me: “Swiggity swing! You get the ring, and we’ll do the thing!”

(We’re getting married in three months.)

[florida80]

Adventures Of The Lesbian Thespian

Harassment, Jerk, LGBTQ, Ohio, School, Strangers, USA | Romantic | May 31, 2018


(It is the 1980s. I’m male with long hair but can’t be considered feminine by any stretch of the imagination. I try out for a part in the school play. I’m hanging out with friends afterwards, discussing various actors and actresses whose methods we like.)

Me: “You know, my parents would be so upset if they knew I wanted to be a thespian.”

(At that point, a young woman nearby jumps up from her table and storms over to where I’m at.)

Woman: “You don’t have to pitch your voice so low if you want to be a lesbian!”

(I blink and look over to where she’s hovering an inch away from me.)

Me: “Lesbian? Well, I do like women, so… but no, we’re talking about thespians. You know, actors and actresses.”

Woman: “It’s okay to be a lesbian. I’m one. Why are you trying to look all manly?”

Me: “Uh, because I am a man.”

Woman: *now screeching* “No, you’re not! Why are you trying to act all butch? Is it because of your friends?”

(She then started screaming at them for trying to get me to act male. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stood up and grabbed my crotch and yelled, “To thine own self be true!” It was then that she realize that I was indeed a man, turned bright red, and stormed off. Every since that day, I’ve been called the lesbian thespian by my friends.)

[florida80]

He’s In His Own Little Box

home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | May 30, 2018


(I love my husband, but my biggest pet peeve with him is his tendency to completely zone out on me if he’s on his phone, reading, watching a movie, etc. He will literally not notice things happening right in front of him when he’s “in the zone.” I know this, so I try to make sure he’s actually paying attention if I’m saying something to him. Sometimes, though, the things he misses still baffle me. A couple examples:)

Me: *carries full dog bowls into the living room, where he is reading a newspaper, followed by three large, happily barking dogs* “Yay, puppy dinner! Who’s ready for dinner? Here we go!”

Husband: *thirty minutes later* “Hey, did the dogs eat dinner?”

Me: “Yes. Loudly and literally right in front of you.”

(One evening, I spend almost an hour in our enclosed porch, in full view from his spot on the couch, breaking down old boxes and straightening up.)

Me: *coming back into the house and sneezing multiple times* “Wow, that last box was covered in pollen! I can already feel my sinuses clogging up.”

Husband: *looks up from his phone* “What box?”

Me: “I just spent an hour tearing apart boxes and cleaning up the sunroom.”

Husband: “Oh, okay. Good job.”

(The next day.)

Me: “Ugh… my nose is so stuffy from that pollen yesterday.”

Husband: “What pollen?”

Me: “From the boxes.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “The boxes I spent nearly an hour tearing apart in the sunroom? I was cleaning up out there? You could see me through the window.”

(A couple days after that, we’re taking the dogs for a walk and decide to walk out through the sunroom.)

Husband: “Hey, it looks cleaner in here.”

Me: “Seriously? I straightened up the other night, when I was breaking down the boxes.”

Husband: “What boxes?”

Me: “Do you even notice when I’m gone?!”

[florida80]

Planning For A Wedding Can Be A Tram-Wreck

Bizarre, Engaged, Public Transportation, The Netherlands, Train Station | Romantic | May 29, 2018


(My girlfriend and I decide to get married. Since we want to avoid unpleasant surprises, we want to have a prenuptial agreement — which in the Netherlands also covers property agreements during your marriage — and testaments, for which we have to visit a solicitor in a different town. We don’t have a car, so for the first meeting, I leave work early and take the train back to our hometown, where I meet my fiancée at the station and we take a bus to the other town. There, we are supposed to take a tram.)

Fiancée: “We must take tram three in the direction of The Hague, at platform two.”

(Unfortunately, we don’t see any signs with the platform numbers. I do, however, see a sign saying that on the nearest platform, tram three will come in. The direction is also right, so we wait for the tram and when it arrives, we get in. But after a few stops, I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait… Are we going the right way? The names of the stops don’t end up.”

Fiancée: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Look, we are going out of [Town]. I think we’re going the wrong way!”

Passenger: “Where do you need to go?”

Fiancée: “[Town]’s station.”

Passenger: “This tram is going to The Hague.”

Fiancée: “Oh, dear, that’s all wrong!”

(We get out at the first stop. It turns out that tram three makes two stops at the station, since it makes a circle through the town before leaving for The Hague. But since we couldn’t tell the platforms from each other, we took the wrong one. We take the first tram back. Another passenger tries to help out.)

Passenger #2: “If you get out at the next stop, you can go to the platforms on the higher level and take tram five. That’s quicker.”

(This turns out to make matters worse for us, since we have to hurry and don’t know which platform upstairs is the right one. In the end, we miss this tram and have to wait for ten minutes, while it’s cold and rainy. My fiancée feels terrible from all the stress and is nearly crying. Finally, we get the right tram and manage to get to the solicitor’s office. We have notified them that we would be a bit late, and they do not mind. Finally, we take the bus back to our hometown.)

Me: “You know what the most given ticket in [Solicitor’s Town] is?”

Fiancée: “No?”

Me: “Excessive speed. Everyone wants to get out.”

(Months later, we have to go visit the solicitor again to sign our prenuptial agreement and testaments. Over the last months, we have left our small apartment and moved to a bigger house in a different village. Obviously we are delighted that we can get to the solicitor all by train now. No more trams! Instead, we take a train to a nearby town, and then we can board a regional train, which goes in the direction of The Hague and makes a stop at the station in [Solicitor’s Town]. When in the latter train, once again I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait, I don’t see any stops on the screen. Is this the right train? I already thought it left a bit early.”

Fiancée: “You mean…”

Me: “I think we accidentally boarded the InterCity. This train won’t stop at [Town], only at The Hague!”

(After arriving in The Hague, we have to make a run to catch a train that will stop at our station. Again, we arrive a bit late at the solicitor’s office, but once again they are nice and polite and everything ends on a happy note. We leave the office and go back to our house.)

Fiancée: “I think [Town] is cursed.”

(At our wedding, I can’t resist making a joke about our trouble when giving a speech about how much I admire all the effort my fiancée — now wife — has done for the wedding:)

Me: “She even ventured out with me, two times, in order to visit the Accursed City! The Town That Does Not Live! Where ugly, tall buildings rise up around you and close you in. Where zombie-like troglodytes stumble around in the streets, mindless, joyless. I am, of course, talking about… [Solicitor’s Town]!’

(It was the best laugh we got during the speech

[florida80]

A Shot Of Hard Truth

Cheaters, Engaged, Finland, home | Romantic | May 28, 2018


(My friend and I recently became roommates because she wanted to move away from her fiancé. They’re still together, but figured they need some time apart. I’m friends with both of them and he visits us often. This day isn’t any different, except there’s also someone else visiting her. I let him in.)

Me: “Oh, hi, I didn’t know you were coming.”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, is [Girlfriend] home?”

Me: “She is… Would you like a cup of coffee or tea… or a shot of vodka?”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “…?”

(I go knock on her door and she comes out with another guy, shirt backwards, both red and panting. Kind of obvious that they’ve had sex.)

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, I’m going to take that shot now, please.”

[florida80]

Drive You To Have Fun

Australia, Awesome, Best Friends, Fights/Breakups, home, Melbourne | | Romantic | May 23, 2018


(I’ve had a rough couple of months, splitting up with my abusive partner, changing stores for work, and moving to a new place. I have scraped together basic furniture but have no luxuries like a washing machine, TV, or stereo. I also regularly walk 35 minutes to work, then wait 45 minutes in the dark to catch the last bus home. My closest friends and family all live in another state, about a 10-hour drive away. This year my birthday falls on a long weekend. My best friend rings me early on the Friday morning.)

Best Friend: “Hey, how are you? Sorry if I woke you.”

Me: “No, that’s okay. I’ve got to see if the laundromat is open today, anyway. I’m okay. How are you?”

Best Friend: “I’m good. Since I got a bonus at work, [Housemate], [Close Friend], [Other Close Friend], and I are on a road trip down the coast. Just thought I’d check in on you.”

Me: “Oh, that’s sweet. I hope you guys have a good time. Say hi to everyone.”

Best Friend: “Will do. Any plans for your birthday?”

Me: “Nope. Just some housework.”

(We chatted for a few minutes before hanging up. A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door. I opened it to find my friends. My best friend had bought me a good secondhand car with six months rego on it, a new washing machine and dryer, TV, and stereo, among other little things. My friends then hired a trailer, packed up the car, and made the long trip to surprise me for my birthday. They had booked a nice motel, took me shopping for new clothes, out for dinner on my birthday and sightseeing around the city, before flying home on Sunday, without me spending a cent. My best friend had spent pretty much all of the money from his bonus on the car and other things for my flat, while my other friends had pooled their money and paid for their flights, the motel, and shopping. I will be ever grateful for their love and support.)

[florida80]

Triple Threat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Harassment, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | May 21, 2018


(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since

[florida80]

Triple Threat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Harassment, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | May 21, 2018


(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since

[florida80]

Achieved Nothing

Geneva, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners, Switzerland | | Romantic | May 20, 2018


(I usually look after the house and shopping on weekends, but today, I’ll be busy working during shopping hours while my husband will be in charge of the house and our seven-year-old son. I leave him a short list of things we need, and insist he has to at least get cat sand so we can change the litter boxes. It’s Saturday, and pet shops are closed on Sundays. I come back from work seven hours later and have this conversation:)

Me: “So, how did the day go?”

Husband: “Good! We went to the swimming pool!”

Me: “Cool! Did you do the shopping? Did you forget anything?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Me: “Really? You even got the cat sand?”

Husband: “No, we got nothing. We just went to the pool.”

(I had to run out and get food. Cats will have to wait till Monday for sand.)

[florida80]

Observed Something In Passing (Out)

Blood Donation, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, Health & Body | | Romantic | May 18, 2018


(In high school, I go with my girlfriend when she donates blood. I recently got a piercing, so I can’t donate. After, in the recovery room, she keeps bending over to look under the table. The first few times I look, too, but I don’t see anything interesting.)

Me: “What do you keep looking at?”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: “You keep looking at something under the table!”

Girlfriend: “Oh! I’m not looking at anything; I’m passing out.”

(I went and grabbed a nurse. Kind of put me off donating bllood

[florida80]

Wakey Wakey, Cheese And Bakey

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ellenwood, Georgia, Silly, USA |
Romantic | May 16, 2018

(I am pregnant, and though I have gotten past morning sickness for the most part, I am still not a morning person. My boyfriend has also discovered how to use my cravings to his advantage. My boyfriend’s alarm goes off, and he gently shakes me while hitting the snooze button.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, it’s time to get up.”

(I ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again, and he hits snooze.)

Boyfriend: “C’mon, let’s get up. We’ve got things to do today.”

(I roll over and ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again.)

Boyfriend: *quietly in my ear* “Cheese fries.”

Me: *stomach growls loudly, I open one eye* “Mmph.”

Boyfriend: “If you get up, I’ll get you some cheese fries. Just for you.”

Me: *sitting up* “Mmph. With bacon

[florida80]

Cash, Credit, Or Creep?

Grocery Store, Harassment, Strangers, USA | Romantic | May 14, 2018


(I’m a new cashier and female. It’s a pretty slow day. This customer looks to be in his early 30s and his items are wine and a box of condoms. He winks at me and I catch a whiff of his cologne.)

Customer #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “We could use these together if you want, kitten.”

Me: “Sir, the only thing cheaper than that line is your cologne. Also, I’m 16, and you’re holding up the line. Your total is [total]. Cash or credit?”

(He sheepishly pays and leaves. [Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] lets out a small chuckle.)

Customer #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “That’s one way to ward off creeps.”

Me: “I’m just doing what my mom taught me.”

[florida80]

A Thousand Reasons To Kick You Out Right Now

Casino, Harassment, Las Vegas, Nevada, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | May 13, 2018


(I work in a casino in Las Vegas, a city famous for its casinos… and prostitutes. A guy walks up with a group of friends and starts talking to me. He says I am beautiful, asks what my sign is, and informs me that he “won big at the casino and is moving to Vegas.” I am unimpressed.)

Me: “Winning big can mean many things. One thousand dollars is winning big.”

Guy: *laughs* “Would a thousand dollars change your life?”

(I ponder my upcoming phone bill, and rent, and union dues, so, yes, a thousand dollars would change my life for about a month.)

Guy: “If I gave you a thousand dollars, could I f*** you?”

Me: “I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!” *walks away*

(He tried to apologize, and his friends told him to just leave me alone. He claimed I “misunderstood. ” No, I understood, and I am not for sale!)

[florida80]

Divorce On Course

Bad Behavior, Divorce, home, USA | Romantic | May 12, 2018


(My best friend has finally made the decision to leave her husband. She has been wanting to for about a year, but kept trying to make it work, which has failed. She records the actual break-up conversation and shows it to me. And I just have to share.)

Husband: *enters kitchen*

Wife: “Hey, [Husband], would you please come sit at the table with me for a moment? We need to talk.”

Husband: “Okaaaay.”

(He sits down slowly, obviously confused by her tone.)

Wife: “We’ve been married nearly three years now.”

Husband: “Yes, best three years of my life, Honey Bunny.”

Wife: “Uh-huh… See, that’s where we differ.”

Husband: “What are you talking about?”

Wife: “On our wedding day, I promised to love and respect you. And you also made that promise to me.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s how wedding vows work.”

Wife: “Uh-huh. But I’m the only one that kept that promise.”

Husband: *jumping from his chair* “What the hell are y—”

Wife: “I’m still speaking.” *she gives him a scary “shut up” look and he sits back in his chair* “After we were married, you begged me to quit my job. It was an amazing job, that I loved, that I was good at, and that was about to give me an amazing promotion. I quit it, for you. Then, we had to sell my vehicle, because without my job, we couldn’t afford repairs. Then I got pregnant. And when I was six months pregnant, we just had to move. Because the state we had to move to is the only state that had the specific health facilities you needed. So, I gave birth with a doctor I barely knew, surrounded by strangers. Except for you, obviously. But then you went home, and I was alone and exhausted taking care of a newborn at the hospital for three days. Visits from you were quick and brief. I didn’t even have a cell phone of my own, so I had no one to talk to. And then you decided that we just had to move again, twelve hours away, four days after I had just given birth. Our daughter is now a year and a half old, and you have changed a total of two diapers, and made maybe five bottles, and never without complaint. For the last two years, I don’t think I’ve had a single orgasm. I’ve even told you, begged you, to put more effort into our love life. Instead, you tell me to ‘take care of it myself’ while you use me as a personal human masturbator. You always achieve release and receive many oral favors, never giving anything in return. I feel like a blow-up doll. Since our daughter was born, you constantly talk down on me like I’m stupid, despite the fact that you’re usually wrong. I’ve pointed this out many times. You act as if you own me. I’m not allowed to wear certain clothes, get an actual job, or even see my family that moved across the country to live in the same town as us. I could probably go on, but I’ve made my point. I don’t like you, and I want a divorce. You can still be a father; I’d prefer it if you would. I’m not going to punish a child because our marriage didn’t work. Any questions?”

Husband: *has been silently crying and staring down at the table* “We could try couples counseling.”

Wife: “I thought of that, too. But, you know what? I’ve pointed out most of these issues a million times. A couple of them put me into a rage-filled depression. That’s a weird emotion to have. Even if counseling did help, why would I stay with someone that has to be told, by someone other than me, the exact same things I already told him? You’re not a child I’m going to go tattle on every time you do something I already told you not to do. This is an emotionally controlling marriage, and I’m tired of it. I will not have my daughter see this marriage as her example of what to expect. I’d have her live to be an old spinster, alone, if it meant she could avoid wasting years on misery like this.”

Husband: “You’re going to regret leaving me.”

Wife: “Hmm. No, I’m not. There’s another thing I forgot to mention. My sister has a lot of friends; she’s very popular, you know. Well, one of her many friends sent her this.”

(She pulls up a picture on her phone. It’s a screenshot of a message conversation with his cell number, with pictures of him. ALL of him. He just stares blankly at the phone.)

Wife: “So… I’ve been planning on leaving for a while. This just kind of makes it all the more easier. This is how it’s going to work: I had to quit my job and stay home with our child, so I have no money. You make pretty good money and made it your mission to not let me have a penny. You’re going to pay alimony only long enough for me to get a job and a place. Once that’s done, no more alimony. But then, you’ll pay child support. Nothing extravagant, just enough to help a little. And if you want to be a father, just let me know. We can set up a schedule to share. But I have to know of every person you bring around our child. If you bring in a ‘Buddy’ or girlfriend before introducing them to me, you won’t see your daughter. Don’t worry; you won’t have to pay support if you don’t see her. That seems a bit cruel to me.”

Husband: “I don’t have the money to support you.”

Wife: “There it is again: you thinking I’m stupid. You get a specific set amount of money every month, and all the bills combined don’t even use up a quarter of it. That’s why you spend insane amounts of money on things you’ll never use again. I do the taxes, budgeting, and bills, dumba**. Everything is well-documented. You try to hide away anything, I’ll know, and I’ll report it. I’m not demanding the house, and I’m not demanding extreme amounts of money. I’m demanding the bare minimum of what I’m due after wasting three years on you.”

(I was already headed over to pick up her and her daughter. They didn’t have that many belongings, since he didn’t like to spend money on them, so it was quick to load up and go. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep, people. Respect your life partner.)

[florida80]

They Were Not In Concert When They Got To The Concert

Concert, Fights/Breakups, Jerk, Massachusetts, USA, Worcester | Romantic | May 11, 2018


(I’m at a concert for a group I’m just getting into. I only know one of their songs but I’m having a great time. They take a pause, and the lead singer walks to the front of the stage.)

Singer: “When we were just getting here, we ran into a guy outside who was crying. He told us his girlfriend had just broken up with him, here. He’d been so pumped about going to a concert with his girlfriend, and once they got here, she left for good. So! Everyone in the audience! SAY, ‘THAT’S BULLS***!’”

Audience: “THAT’S BULLS***!”

Singer: “THAT’S BULLS***!”

Audience: “THAT’S BULLS***!”

(The concert proceeded as normal from that point on. To those of you who have been broken up with at events you and your partner went to together: that’s bulls***.)

[florida80]

Adding A Little Flavor To The Marriage

Food & Drink, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | May 10, 2018


(Usually my husband and I share snacks, but occasionally I have some that I would rather keep to myself. Also, my husband has claimed that he does not like M&Ms. I like to mix several different flavors of M&M together, and I keep them where I think they are hidden. One day, I see that my stash has been found and gotten into, but I just shrug it off and say nothing. However, my husband brings it up:)

Husband: “Did you mix some different kinds of M&Ms together in that bag?”

Me: “Yes, I did. It’s peanut butter, pretzel, and caramel M&Ms. It’s effing delicious.”

Husband: “I thought so. I was trying to avoid the caramel ones.”

Me: “Well, one good way to avoid the caramel ones is to get your own damn M&Ms and stay out of mine.”

(He did not stay out of my M&Ms.)

[florida80]

Budged More Than A Few Inches

Florida, Hair Salon, Rude & Risque, Silly, Tampa Bay, USA | Romantic | May 8, 2018


(I’m at the salon getting my hair cut with my stylist who I have been going to for nearly five years. We know each other quite well and both have a similar, snarky sense of humor. The stylist at the chair to our left brings over her new client, a stunning young woman in her 20s, with beautiful, thick blonde hair down to about the bottom of her waist.)

Other Stylist: “So, what are you looking for today?”

Client: “I just want about two inches taken off.”

(She then indicates with her hand what would be between four to six inches. My stylist and I lock eyes in the mirror and try not to laugh. The stylist and client go off to the sinks.)

Me: “Her boyfriend is SOOOOO lucky!”

[florida80]

Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Melbourne, Rude & Risque, Silly, Victoria | Romantic | May 7, 2018


(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when he updates me on what’s happening in his game.)

Significant Other: “Hey, baby, I just f***** the princess!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s awesome, hun. Want to do it again?”

Significant Other: “Nah, I don’t think I can get back to that part of the game again, because it’s story-based.”

Me: “Uh… Babe…”

Significant Other: “What?”

Me: *raises eyebrow, looks down at towel covering me, looks back at oblivious fool*

Significant Other: “Oh. Well, then…” *races me to the bedroom*

[florida80]

Queen Of The Dead

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, College & University, Illinois, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | May 6, 2018


(My anatomy and physiology class has started cadaver dissections, and although the professor is on hand to help or answer questions, he tries to let us do as much of it as possible. When a student accidentally nicks his palm with the scalpel, the professor ducks out of the lab to help him disinfect and bandage it, and since I have to change my gloves anyway, I take the opportunity to text my boyfriend.)

Me: “Warning: unsupervised undergrads with scalpels.”

Boyfriend: “It’s important to stab someone first to establish superiority.”

Me: “Nah, [Classmate] managed to stab himself with no help from me, which is why we’re currently unsupervised. My superiority is already established by my ability to properly wield the tools of dissection. I rule as Queen.”

Boyfriend: “Enjoy your reign of the land of corpses, and for any potential mutineers, threaten that they shall share the fate of the unwilling subjects of evisceration!”

Me: “The dissection cadavers donated their bodies to science, though; they’re not unwilling.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Well, enjoy your stint as the queen of the dead things, then! Stir-fry tonight?”

(This counts as normal for us. He may be The One.)

[florida80]

You May Be An Idiot, But You’re MY Idiot

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, New York, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | May 4, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are texting about a stupid way he injured himself. As we’re saying goodbye, because he has to leave, I say:)

Me: “I love you, too, idiotic boyfriend.”

Boyfriend: “I will always be like this.”

Me: “You won’t stay an idiotic boyfriend forever.”

Boyfriend: “You’re right; I’ll evolve.”

Me: “Into?”

Boyfriend: “From idiotic boyfriend into idiotic husband.”

Me: “I was thinking corpse, but husband is good, too

[florida80]

A Vampire And A Vulture

Bizarre, California, Doctors, Harassment, Hospital, USA | Romantic | May 2, 2018


(I’m 20 and have just had an appendectomy, but I also went in hypokalemic, so before they discharge me they want to check my blood. This happens around six am, so I’m very sleepy. The phlebotomist looks like he is about 40 years old. I should also add I hate my blood getting drawn, and I am NOT a morning person.)

Phlebotomist: “Good morning! I’m here to draw your blood so we can check and make sure you’re good to go! Might I say, you are very pretty!”

Me: “Um… Okay?”

Phlebotomist: *turning to my mom* “Might I be able to take your daughter on a date when she is recovered?”

Mom: *stunned*

Phlebotomist: “Don’t worry; it’ll be after she is recovered. My wife divorced me a few years ago, and I think she—” *meaning me* “—would like me very much.”

Mom: *trying to be nice to the man with a needle in my arm* “Well, sir, we aren’t from this area. She just had emergency surgery, but we live somewhere else.”

Phlebotomist: “That is no problem. I can come visit when she is feeling better.”

(At this time, he is done drawing my blood, and stands there waiting for confirmation, never addressing what I think.)

Mom: “Sir, it’s very early, and I think my daughter would like to go back to sleep. I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

Phlebotomist: *to me* “What do you say? Would you like to go on a date?”

Me: “No. Bye.”

(Thankfully, I was discharged that morning.)

[florida80]

When Do We Not Need Chicken Nuggets?

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vermont | Romantic | April 30, 2018


What My Husband Said: “Thank you for putting up with my shenanigans.”

What I Heard: “Thank you for putting up with my chicken nuggets.”

(I tell him what I heard.)

Husband: “You need sleep, my wife.”

Me: “Or maybe I just need chicken nuggets.”

[florida80]

Whiskey And Die

Atlanta, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 29, 2018


(I’m talking with my girlfriend online. She tells me she is taking her sister in for some medical tests and asks me what I’m doing.)

Me: “I’m watching Criminal Minds and drinking whiskey.”

Girlfriend: “That sounds good, except for the Criminal Minds and the whiskey.”

[florida80]

“Gone” Travelling

Georgia, home, Spouses & Partners, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | April 28, 2018


(My mom is a dreamer and loves to travel. My father, on the other hand, is more of a homebody, and my mom lovingly refers to him as an old curmudgeon.)

Mom: “Man, I’d love to go to the beach. Or Paris. Or London.”

Dad: “Honey, when I’m gone, you can travel wherever you want to, whenever you want to.”

Mom: “Why do I have to wait?”

Dad: *pause* “Fair enough.”

[florida80]

Make Treatment Of Women Great Again

Bad Behavior, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Tourist Attraction, UK | Romantic | April 27, 2018


(I am on a tour of castles in the UK. One of the other passengers is a high-maintenance type who never stops complaining. Her husband seems like a nice enough guy, though on the quiet side. We are touring a 14th-century keep, and the guide is explaining some of the rather nasty stuff displayed on the wall, including an instrument of public punishment and humiliation for nagging wives. It’s an iron muzzle that straps around the victim’s face and through the mouth, pressing down on the tongue and preventing speech.)

Guide: “And this device is called a Scold’s Bridle.”

(He places it across his face to demonstrate.)

Husband: “Do they sell those in the gift shop?”



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Winded And Wounded

home, Love/Romance, Minnesota, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 26, 2018


(My husband and I are lying in bed, both on our phones, before going to sleep. He’s laughing, apparently reading something funny.)

Husband: “I promise you that if I live to 100, I will still find fart jokes hilarious.”

Me: “Oh, hun, that’s optimistic of you. Like I’m going to let you live that long.”

[florida80]

50/50 Chance Of Keeping Quiet

Church, Math & Science, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | April 24, 2018


(I am a math teacher, and my husband is a bookkeeper working on an accounting degree, so we both do a lot of math. We attend a conservative church where women are expected to stay quiet. The sermon is about prophecies.)

Preacher: “The prophets weren’t like people today who make guesses about what might happen. For example, a weatherman might say it’s going to rain tomorrow. Well, he has a 50% chance of being right. It’s either going to rain, or it’s not.”

(I bite my tongue. My husband holds my hand.)

Preacher: “…and they might say the rain will start at three. And they’d have a 50% chance of being right, because the rain might start then, or it might not.”

(I hold my husband’s hand tight enough to leave fingernail marks, and start rocking in place. After the sermon, on the way home…)

Husband: “I can’t believe you managed to not say anything. Go ahead. Release the rant.”

Me: “That’s not how math works! Just because there’s two possibilities, it doesn’t make them equally likely!”

(I continued my rant all the way home. Now it’s a joke between us. If one of us asks what the chances are of anything, the other always answers “50%.”)

[florida80]

Kiss Goodbye Your First Kiss

Alaska, home, Marriage & Partners, Pranks, Siblings, USA, Wedding | Romantic | April 23, 2018


(I am six. My sister is nine and bossy. My mother works for her friend, who has two boys our age. We play together in their huge backyard.)

Sister: “Let’s play ‘Grownups’!”

Me: “How do you play it?”

Sister: “We pair up and have a double wedding.”

(We have a pretend wedding with the boys. Then, I notice my sister smiling at me funny.)

Me: “What?”

Sister: “You have to kiss him.”

Me: “No way! Ew!”

Sister: “You have to; he’s your husband!”

Me: “You and [Other Boy] didn’t!”

Sister: “We did; you weren’t looking.”

Me: “Yuck.”

(Somehow she was able to convince me to kiss my friend. It was just a peck, but it felt weird and nasty. I couldn’t understand why adults did it. She laughed and laughed. Much later, I realized that she had lied, and I still haven’t forgiven her for tricking me into using up my first kiss!)

[florida80]

Being Clean And Dirty At The Same Time

Australia, home, Love/Romance, New South Wales, Rude & Risque, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 22, 2018


(My husband and I are taking advantage of the kids being asleep to get intimate. Having not folded laundry in a week, we’ve accumulated a pile of it, which we have pushed off the bed first. We’ve just gotten naked and are now on the bed. I am face-down.)

Me: *coquettishly* “Now what are you going to do to me?”

Husband: *whisper-laughing* “Make you fold the laundry.”

Me: *laughing* “And they say romance is dead

[florida80]

When I’m With You, It’s Electric

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 19, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

[florida80]

No Need To Be Mooby About It

Best Friends, College & University, Flirting, Silly, UK | Romantic | April 16, 2018


(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my halls comes and sits next to me. I am female.)

Guy: “Hey, how about I buy you a drink, and then we can get out of here?”

Me: “Ah, I’m really sorry. I’m a lesbian.”

(This is true.)

Guy: *thinks for a minute* “I have moobs?”

(I immediately twigged that he wasn’t serious, and he’s been one of my best friends for the last seven years. I was even his best woman when he got married.)

[florida80]

Maybe Some People Shouldn’t Breed

Extra Stupid, home, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 13, 2018


(My husband and I have decided to try for a baby. Due to a medical issue, I have never been able to take hormonal birth control, so we’ve always used other methods. This takes place when we are getting intimate, and I am very sleep-deprived after a long week at work.)

Me: “Wait, wait, babe. Slow down.”

Husband: *pulls away from me, confused* “What’s up?”

Me: “We almost forgot.” *begins rummaging in the bedside cabinet*

Husband: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A condom. Are we out?”

Husband: *pauses* “Think about that for a minute

[florida80]

I’m Feline Crazy!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 10, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)

Me: “You know, I think we’re crazy cat people.”

Boyfriend: “Why? Because I’m crocheting a sweater vest for the cat?”

Me: “That may have something to do with it

[florida80]

The Number Of The Mistress

Bizarre, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Retail, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 7, 2018


(My store has a loyalty program with no card or keyring tag; we look customers up by their phone number. In cases where people are shopping for gifts and are not in the system or not interested in being in the system, we encourage people to give us the phone number of the parent of the child they’re shopping for, so they get the points for the purchase. For the sake of this story, we will say my husband’s phone number is (123) 456-7890.)

Me: “And your phone number for your rewards?”

Customer: “(123) 987-6543.”

Me: “Hmm, nothing under that number. Could it be under your home number?”

Customer: “Oh! It’s probably under my boyfriend’s number. He has kids! (123) 456-78—”

(At this point, my brain stops. I’m thinking, “This can’t be happening. She’s giving me MY HUSBAND’s phone number as her boyfriend’s. What are the odds of this happening?!”)

[florida80]

You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

California, home, Language & Words, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 5, 2018


(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

[florida80]

Eating For Two, One Last Time

Car, Charlottesville, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 4, 2018


(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is driving me to our hospital, forty five minutes from home. I’m in the passenger seat, eyes tightly closed, counting my breathing and the miles under the tires. The car finally comes to a slow stop, and I’m ecstatic that we’ve arrived.)

Me: “Oh, thank God. I can’t take this much more! We’re there, right?”

Husband: “Uh, well…”

Outside The Car: “Welcome to [Tex Mex Fast Food Place]. Are you interested in a combo meal?”

(Two meals ordered, and we were back en route to the hospital ten minutes away. Nine years later, we still joke about being the couple that showed up in the labor and delivery ward with a duffel bag and Tex Mex.)

[florida80]

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That’s Flawed Writing

Canada, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 3, 2018


(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)

Husband: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Yeah. I’m like a badly-written character out of a crappy love story, the way I manage to trip over nothing all the time.”

Husband: “In that case, at least it’s your only flaw.”

Me: *tries to get up and falls again* “I’d rather have flaws

[florida80]

Takes A Lecture To Get A Number

Australia, College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’m in a college tutorial class, where instead of a large seminar room, about 20 of us are sat in a smaller room with a few group tables. There is a table I’ve sat at because I think one of the guys is cute; however, I don’t say a word to him. The lecturer wants us to refer to our textbook for the tutorial, but I haven’t bought it yet. The guy I like has taken a picture of someone else’s book on his iPad.)

Guy: *glances over* “Do you want the picture?”

Me: “Uh… Yeah. Sure.”

Guy: “Okay, what’s your number? I can send it to you.”

Me: *being super clueless* “It’s okay; don’t worry!”

(I legitimately go to take a picture of his screen with my phone.)

Guy: “Er, I think sending it to your number is better.”

Me: “Huh?”

Guy: “Jesus. I want your number!”

(After the class, he messaged me and said I made his ploy to get my number quite awkward!)

[florida80]

Finally Doing The Thing

New York, Outdoors, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’ve been dating a guy for a while, things have been going pretty well, and he finally proposes!)

Boyfriend: “I was thinking about us getting married. What do you think?”

Me: “Swiggity swing! You get the ring, and we’ll do the thing!”

(We’re getting married in three months.)

[florida80]

Going To Break Something Else In A Minute…

Extra Stupid, home, New Zealand, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 29, 2018


(My wife and I are together after she’s spent the day with her close friend. Suddenly, her voice becomes sad.)

Wife: “Babe… Ugh… I stood on [Friend]’s scale today.”

(I mistake the sadness in her voice and think something bad must have happened to occasion this sadness. Desperately thinking what it might be, I latch onto the phrase “stood on” and take it to mean “accidentally stepped on.”)

Me: “Oh, did you break it?”

(She was speechless, and I came to the horrifying realization of what I’d just said. Cue several minutes of her laughing her head off while I desperately apologized repeatedly.)

[florida80]

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | March 28, 2018


It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

[florida80]

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | March 28, 2018


It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

[florida80]

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | March 28, 2018


It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

[florida80]

We Wish You A Long And Lasting Hummus

home, Oregon, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 27, 2018


(We live in a two-level house, where one level is basement-level and the other is ground-level. Our bedroom is in the basement level, with the living room directly over it. One night, my husband is staying up watching a movie, and I’ve decided to go to bed. Right before falling asleep, I remember that I made fresh hummus and he put it in the freezer to chill a few hours before. Worried that it may be frozen, I send him a message.)

Me: “HUMMUS! It must be saved from the ice caves of Fridge Island, or it shall be doomed to never be cherished and savored again. That would be a loss for us all.”

(I count twenty seconds between sending the message and hearing him jump from the couch above me, jog to the kitchen, rip open a bag of chips, and get the hummus from the freezer. Ten minutes later I hear him sit back down. I get a message back.)

Husband: “This… This is what marriage is about.”

[florida80]

Maiden For Life

British Columbia, Canada, Grocery Store, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Vancouver | Romantic | March 26, 2018


(A customer calls my store to place a cake order for the following week. When I ask for a name for the order, this happens.)

Me: “And can I get a name for your order, please?”

Customer: “[First Name] [Last Name #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]. No, [Last Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ]. [Last Name #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] is my maiden name.” *the customer starts laughing* “I can’t believe I said that.”

Customer’s Husband: *in the background* “We’ve only been married 35 years.”

[florida80]

Friendship Is The Best Kind Of ‘Ship

Best Friends, Fights/Breakups, High School, USA, Washington, Young Love | Romantic | March 25, 2018


I had a tough time keeping friends as a kid because of my temper and my dark sense of humor. By middle school I was pretty much a loner. By pure chance, that ended up being the year I met the girl that would be my best friend. She was (and still is) a quirky, innocent type, sweet, kind, and really funny, but she also didn’t always get why her jokes were funny. She also wasn’t an aggressive person, always choosing to let something go rather than risk starting a fight over it. Even though we were really different, we got along great and I feel like I really grew as a person with her by my side.

In sophomore year, I started dating a guy I really liked. He seemed really nice and we had a lot of fun together. After we’d been dating a year, I stupidly agreed to sleep with him, since I was sure that we were in love and had a real chance for a future together someday.

Something changed afterwards. We still hung out like normal, but he didn’t seem as into our relationship as he was before. He would show more interest if sex was involved, but it was always a temporary solution. My friend suggested that my boyfriend and I go to an upcoming school dance together, along with her and a few people we knew. It was going to be a fun night of fancy outfits and partying. When I brought up the idea to my boyfriend, he seemed okay with the idea, and plans were made to meet up there.

When I got to the dance, I was doing great. I looked good, I felt good, and I was pumped to have a good time with people I cared about. And that’s when I walked into the dance hall and saw my boyfriend dancing and kissing his new girlfriend. I yelled at him for a bit before I had to run away in tears.

I made it to the entrance hall before I collapsed into a corner. I just wanted to die, I was so upset. My friend arrived, saw me huddled over in tears and ran to me, asking what was wrong. She gave me a blank stare as I explained. When I finished, she pulled me in for a hug before she stood back up, told me to stay put, and began walking away. Confused, I decided to follow, anyway.

In a fantastic moment I wish I had recorded, she walked right through the gym doors, straight up to my now ex-boyfriend, and slapped him. As he stood there in shock, she stared him dead in the eyes and said, “You are a bad person, and you should be ashamed of yourself.” She then turned around and walked back toward where I was standing, grabbing a cup of punch and a cookie from the snack table for me on her way. That was 15 years ago, and we are still best friends to this day.

[florida80]

A Sharp Wit Can Be A Lifesaver

Awesome, Chicago, Health & Body, home, Love/Romance, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 24, 2018


(I’ve been suffering from chronic depression for most of my life, and my husband has been exceptionally patient and loving to me through my episodes. With his help, I’ve built a system that allows me to work through many of these episodes without medical or chemical help, which is especially important as I am currently nursing our infant son. Part of this system is warning my husband when I’m feeling especially emotionally raw, which we call a “blue day.”)

Me: “Love, I just wanted you to know I’m having a blue day.”

Husband: *concerned* “You okay, sweetheart?”

Me: “I’m just… stuck in this loop. I don’t even know what triggered it. I keep thinking, ‘Just go for the knife,’ and I can’t snap out of it.”

Husband: “Want me to dull the knives for you?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Wait, what?”

Husband: “Seriously! By the time I’m done, you’ll be asking, ‘Why won’t these things even cut butter?!'”

(I had to laugh as he acted out the impossible knives that couldn’t cut room temperature butter, and then got our toddler in on the fun. I’m so blessed to have someone like him!)

[florida80]

Intelligent Human Life Is Not Found Here

California, Extra Stupid, home, Language & Words, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 23, 2018


(I’m reading an article debating how humans would act if we ever actually found alien life. After finishing it, I look up at my husband who has just walked into the room.)

Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”

Husband: *looks confused* “One more time?”

Me: *getting exasperated* “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent humaaah…” *I suddenly realize what I’ve been saying* “…alien life. I meant alien life.”

Husband: “Oh, thank God. I thought I was going crazy for a minute! First we’d deny that it’s intelligent, then we’d try to eat it.”

[florida80]

Castration Frustration

home, Ireland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Weather | Romantic | March 22, 2018


(My husband has a YouTube playlist running, and the current song is by a singer with a surprisingly high vocal range. At this point, Ireland and Britain are in for a few days of serious snow and minus zero temperatures.)

Husband: “You know, if he didn’t have a wife and child, I’d say he was castrated.”

Me: “What does being castrated have to do with having a wife?”

Husband: *to daughter, pointing out the window* “Look! Snow!”

Me: “Nice deflection, dear.”

(It was snowing, but the timing was perfect…)

[florida80]

Definitely Has The Balls To Do It

Bad Behavior, Blackburn, Coworkers, England, Exes/Old Flames, Fast Food, Non-Dialogue, Revolting, UK | Romantic | March 21, 2018


I work at a fast-food place with my friend. It’s mid-summer and my friend has just had a messy breakup with his girlfriend of three years, after he caught her having sex with another friend. Four days post-breakup, we are working the grill area when in walks his ex and the guy she cheated with, clearly showing him off as her new boyfriend.

She makes eyes with my friend and then orders her food. It’s all grill items, and my friend knows it’s her order because she ordered the same unusual alterations to her food when they were together.

It becomes apparent very quickly that both she and the guy intend to humiliate my friend by making him make them their food. He looks around and notes several things.

1) It’s the middle of summer and it’s over 35 degrees Celsius [95 degrees Fahrenheit] in the kitchen.

2) His crotch and rear have been within three feet of a 180+ degrees Celsius [356+ degrees Fahrenheit] grill for several hours.

3) The managers on duty are all either doing office work or customer facing, and can’t see him.

4) His ex can only see him from the neck up, due to how the kitchen is built.

My friend then decides that his ex’s order needs some extra sauce. He proceeds to work his hands down his pants and, after a bit of wiggling, brings from the depths of his crotch enough sweat to drip it onto first the ex’s and then the new boyfriend’s burgers before sending them and wandering off to wash his hands. Throughout all of this, I have neither intervened (because she did kind of deserve it) or assisted (because I didn’t want “sweat sandwich” as my dismissal reason), but I have kept a straight face and so has he. His ex doesn’t realise something is up, and once she gets her food, she looks at him again and smirks before wandering off to sit down.

At this point, I fulfil my obligations as a normal human and tell him he’s a maniac, he laughs it off, and we carry on about our business, stopping briefly to watch his ex and her new boyfriend leave the store.

Other mutual friends and coworkers of ours inform me that this event repeated on no less than five other occasions over the next four weeks, so the two of them got quite the dosage over time.

So far as I know, she never discovered that she ate a diet very high in ball sweat for several weeks, but it’s remained an amusing story within our friend group for the better part of a decade now.

The lesson to be drawn from this is: don’t go rubbing things in the face of someone who’s making your food. Who knows what “extra ingredients” you might end up with?

The guy is a prison warden now; God help the inmates

[florida80]

It’s Not Working Out

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Gym, Jerk, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | March 20, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have been going to a gym regularly for the past several months, so we have a pretty well-established routine. I’ve been stretching for maybe a minute after getting there when my boyfriend comes up to me, an odd expression on his face.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, we need to talk.”

(I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions, but anyone in a relationship that hears those words combined with an odd expression on the other person’s face is bound to have a little heart attack. But, seeing as how the past few weeks have been wonderful between us, and he hasn’t given any indication of anything amiss, I figure he might be about to ask to stay at my house, since it is snowing very badly and he lives more than half an hour away. He leads me to the gym lounge that’s right next to the entrance of the building, and breaks up with me. In a gym. Not even after we’ve finished working out, but before. In a very public setting. I go to the bathroom to process what had just happened, and to bawl my eyes out for a bit. After a few minutes, I text him about taking me home, since I don’t exactly feel like working out right now, and he is the one that drove me there.)

Me: “Hey, can you please take me home? I’m not exactly up to doing anything right now.”

(A few minutes pass without response.)

Me: “Did you start working out?”

Now-Ex Boyfriend: “Yeah, but I can take you home.”

(So, to recap, he broke up with me, in a gym, not after we did what we came there to do, but beforehand, and still expected to go on like nothing happened. Am I being sensitive, or was that basically the relationship equivalent of polishing a crystal vase with a sledgehammer? And, on top of all that, the snow was so bad that he did end up staying the night with my family and me. I think it was a real contender for awkward dinner of the year.)

[florida80]

Some Things You Don’t Graduate From

Canada, home, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 19, 2018


(My wife is house-sitting for her parents and I’ve mostly been at home, but I go to visit her this evening.)

Me: “Do you find it weird sleeping with your high school grad picture looking at you?”

Wife: “I… didn’t notice that.” *turns picture around* “I was so innocent!” *pause* “No, I wasn’t.”

[florida80]

Nice Saves On Not-So-Nice Subjects

Australia, Bad Behavior, home, Melbourne, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 18, 2018


Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”

(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)

Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”

Me: *raises eyebrows*

Husband: “…coffee for her?”

(My husband is the king of nice saves.)

[florida80]

Of Mice And Men And Cats And Boyfriends

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Movies & TV, North Carolina, Pets & Animals, USA | Romantic | March 17, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out, watching anime. Of note, my boyfriend is a couple years older than me. Predictably, my cat decides that he really, really needs to be the center of attention.)

Me: *hugging cat* “I got you. You’re trapped. No escape.”

(My cat wriggles free and runs off, but is back on my lap within 30 seconds.)

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: *hugging cat again* “I’m gonna love him, and feed him, and name him George!”

(As my cat once again escapes me, I see that my boyfriend has a confused look on his face.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re not old enough to get that joke!”

Me: “Uh, no, it was assigned reading back in high school.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men? Lenny and George?”

(My boyfriend just looks even more confused.)

Me: “Or are you thinking of the Looney Toons jokes referencing it?”

Boyfriend: “Wait, wha– YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW LOONEY TOONS!”

Me: “It’s older than your parents.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Cat: *trying to put his butt on my face* “MREOW

[florida80]

Either Way, You’re Both Just Nuts

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Long Distance, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | March 16, 2018


(My long-distance boyfriend and I are messaging, asking about each other’s days and so forth. He asks me what I have been doing today. I’ve been working on the same project that I’ve been working on the past several days, so I tell him to guess. After a few deliberately ridiculous guesses, he guesses correctly: I’ve been working on the music for my studio’s upcoming recital.)

Me: “Yes, I was working on music, you nut.”

Boyfriend: *sends emoji of a hazelnut*

Me: “Ooh! Hazelnuts are my favorite nuts!”

Boyfriend: “Wait, I thought I was your favorite nut!”

Me: “Well, cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I hope I’m not your favorite nut to eat.”

Me: “Besides, I said hazelnuts were my favorite nuts. Plural. You’re my favorite nut, singular.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, thanks!”

[florida80]

The Infinity Breakfast

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Geeks Rule, home, Movies & TV, Nottingham, Silly, UK | Romantic | March 15, 2018


(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to me. Warning: Marvel Cinematic Universe spoilers.)

Me: “Babe. You know how in Thor: Ragnarok, Loki went to Odin’s vault in the end? Do you think he took the Tesseract and saved the blue Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “He almost definitely did. That’s why Thanos has it in the trailer for Infinity War.”

Me: “So, what happened to the red Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the strawberry stone. Not sure. Don’t know what it does.”

Me: “Okay, well, Doctor Strange has the green one. And what happened to Loki’s staff? That had the yellow stone in it.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the lemon stone. It’s by the sugar stone and the pancake stone.”

(I’m keeping him.)

[florida80]

Tied To That Answer

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, home, Illinois, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | March 14, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am pretending to force myself on my more-than-willing partner, the phone rings:)

Caller: “Is [Girlfriend] available?”

Me: “Sorry, but she can’t come to the phone. She. Is. Tied. Up. Right. Now.”

Caller: “All right, we’ll try another time.” *click*

(I don’t know if the guy realized that I was telling the absolute truth.)

[florida80]

Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

home, North Carolina, Rude & Risque, Silly, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 13, 2018


(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped blocks in the different shaped holes. She’s not good at using the shaped holes yet, but there’s a larger opening for getting the blocks out, so she puts them and other small toys in the cube all the time. The baby puts a yellow ball in a purple cup.)

Husband: “She likes putting things in that purple cup.”

Me: “She likes putting things in other things in general.” *motions towards the cube*

Husband: “Well, so do we. That’s how we got her.”

Me: “…”

Husband: *smiles*

[florida80]

A Conversational Attack

Bad Behavior, Baton Rouge, College & University, Harassment, Louisiana, Strangers, USA | Romantic | March 12, 2018


(It’s the middle of dead week, so I decide to multitask by polishing my term paper while eating dinner in the on-campus cafeteria. Someone I don’t know sits in the other seat of the two-person booth I’m in, but I figure the cafeteria’s packed and there’s nowhere else to sit.)

Stranger: “Hey.”

Me: *not paying attention* “Hi.”

Stranger: “How’re you doing?”

Me: “Eh.”

Stranger: “What’re you working on?”

Me: “Term paper.”

Stranger: “Cool. What class?”

Me: “I don’t want to be rude, but this paper is due tomorrow, and it’s worth half my grade, so I’d rather focus on this.”

Stranger: “God, I just wanted to talk.”

Me: “It’s dead week, it’s six pm, and I’m in pajama pants. My hair is clearly overdue for a wash, I’m eating and typing with considerably more focus on the latter, and I’m sitting at a table that can hold meals for two, or a meal and laptop for one. What made you look that that and think, ‘That’s a girl crying out for small talk with a stranger’?”

Stranger: “You don’t need to be such a b****.”

Me: “Apparently, I do.”

[florida80]

Your Loyalty Is Numbered

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Retail, Silly, Toowoomba | Romantic | March 11, 2018


(My boyfriend is shopping while I’m looking after the trolley filled with things from a previous shop. When he returns he is smirking.)

Boyfriend: “So, the girl behind the counter just asked for my number.”

(My eyebrows shoot up in surprise.)

Me: “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Yep.”

(He throws something down on the table.)

Boyfriend: “For a loyalty card.”

Me: “Wha… oh. Oh!”

Boyfriend: *laughs at my expression*

[florida80]

Weeding Through The Bad Gifts

Health & Body, Holidays, home, Minnesota, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 10, 2018


(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)

Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”

Me: “Aww, so sweet!”

(It was my order of weed buds, aka “flowers.”)

[florida80]

Chivalry Means Buying The Sex Toys

Movie Theater, Movies & TV, Oregon, Portland, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 9, 2018


(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)

Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”

Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”

Husband: “But isn’t that part of his dominance? Like these are his tools and he uses them on everyone?”

Me: “Possibly, since he wasn’t serious with his previous girls.”

Husband: “And now?”

Me: “Listen. When you get married, you buy all new butt plugs!”

[florida80]

Nursing A Hospital Hangover

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, Health & Body, Hospital, Long Beach, Silly | Romantic | March 8, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s woken up already, and I find out she’s had a panic attack — which is apparently fairly normal when waking up from anesthetic — and is recovering from it still. I go to see if I can help, being a friendly face and all. When I get there, she is still having the attack and is clinging pretty desperately onto the male nurse. When her panic does subside enough, I end up taking over so the nurse can do nurse things. My girlfriend is self-conscious over the fact she had a panic attack, so I try to lighten the mood.)

Me: *joking* “Are you being like this because I caught you with a man?”

Girlfriend: *super confused* “What?”

Me: “I mean, getting to cuddle up that real cute nurse. You sly dog.” *I nudge her playfully* “I mean, if you wanted to add a man to us, I wouldn’t be against it.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t understaaaaand!”

(She lightens up after that, and I hang about for a few hours until she’s released. As we’re leaving, we walk by the male nurse, who says goodbye. When he’s out of earshot…)

Girlfriend: “He was so cute!“

Me: “He’s the nurse you clung to when you were panicking!”

Girlfriend: “D*** it! I don’t remember

[florida80]

Make It An Ex-Pun

Australia, Best Friend, Divorce, Exes/Old Flames, home, Punny | Romantic | March 7, 2018


(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)

Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog]. Goody.”

Best Friend: “That’s rough.”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Best Friend: “Not intentionally, but it works, so I’ll claim it.”

[florida80]

Getting Shirty About The Shirt

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Geeks Rule, Jerk, Memphis, Retail, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | March 6, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not. While in line, a rather attractive younger woman comes up behind us. She’s wearing librarian glasses, a [Popular Old Video Game] pendant necklace, and a t-shirt printed with one of those parody [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment charts. I can’t help but notice and start to read her shirt, which means I’m staring directly at her chest. My girlfriend notices after a moment, grabs my sleeve, and gives me a nostril-flaring death stare.)

Me: *doesn’t get it at first* “What?” *gets it* “What? I was reading her shirt!”

Young Woman: *also doesn’t get it* “Oh, you like?” *pulls shirt out a bit making it easier to read*

Me: “Yeah, that’s really cool. Have a great day!”

(The girlfriend and I get through the register quickly, fortunately. Let’s say that her driving on the way home is a bit, um… aggressive. After she takes a turn that screeches the tires:)

Me: “I really was just reading her shirt. It was a [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment chart, but with [Popular Space Movie] characters.”

Girlfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “No, see, there’s this idea of a grid that your character can fall into, and that determines what you..”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off* “SHUT UP!”

Me: “But that’s–”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off again* “SHUT. THE. F***. UP. NOW!”

(After getting home, she shut herself in the bedroom. I have a feeling I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, all because I couldn’t not know that whole chart.)

[florida80]

The Cake Is A Lie, But With A Really Good Excuse

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cambridge, England, home, Proposal, Silly, UK | Romantic | March 5, 2018


(I am female in my late 20s. This has been the worse fortnight of my life so far; I was made redundant at work, I fell out with a very close friend over something really stupid, and someone rear-ended me. My period has also started, making everything a lot worse, as I get extremely hormonal during this time. Now, my glasses have broken. I emotionally break down, and cry at my boyfriend.)

Me: *whilst sobbing* “I have no friends, no vision, no car, and no money to sort out two of those problems! AND I’M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!”

Boyfriend: “Shall I go get some cake?”

Me: *stops wailing, but still sniffing* “Cake?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, let’s go to [My Favourite Cake Place].”

Me: *sniffing* “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Really, really.”

(He goes on the cake trip. He comes back sooner than I’d expect, and hands me the bag, which is too light to have cake in it. I open it up and find a ring box with a ring in it.)

Boyfriend: “Will yo—”

Me: *truly distressed* “Where’s the cake?!”

Boyfriend: “I… Erm.”

Me: “You said there would be cake!”

Boyfriend: “Okay… You’re irrationally—”

Me: *irrationally upset* “I am not irrationally upset! You promised cake! Instead, I get a ring that I can’t even see properly, because I have no vision! How could you betray me like this?!” *ugly, hysterical sobbing*

(He did go get me cake. And I did apologise to him over being overly emotional and dramatic. Surprisingly, he still wanted to marry me after that, so I said yes.)

[florida80]

Stupid Jerk Humor

Colorado, Denver, home, Jerk, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 4, 2018


(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

[florida80]

Romance Is Not In The Cards

Bizarre, Harassment, Outdoors, Strangers, UK | Romantic | March 3, 2018


(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)

Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer in the Abrahamic God. Perhaps you and your wife, if you have one of course—” *suggestive look* “—would be interested in joining [Local Church]?”

Me: “Umm, actually, I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is a Buddhist, so I don’t think [Local Church] would suit us very well.”

(She looks at me like I’ve just grown an extra head and walks away. I finish my shopping and head toward home, only to see her again walking up to a bin. She takes out a pack of cards and a large crystal.)

Woman: “These things are f****** useless!”

(She dropped them in the bin and left. Curious, I took a look. They were tarot cards.)

[florida80]

Being Sour Grapes

California, Family & Kids, home, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 2, 2018


(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

[florida80]

The Number One Thing You Can Do With A Cat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, North Carolina, Pets & Animals, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 1, 2018


(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

[florida80]

Doesn’t Realise The Weight Of That Statement

Australia, Car, Dating, Jerk, New South Wales | Romantic | February 28, 2018


(I have met someone on an online dating website. After enjoying chatting with each other for two weeks, we decide to meet up in person. The first date goes well, and we both agree that we would like to see each other again. On the second date, he brings me to a lookout, which turns out to be much colder and more windy than anticipated, so we end up sitting in his backseat, enjoying the spot. He is much more physically affectionate than I am, although this could be partially due to my never having been out with anyone before him. He begins to cuddle with me. Just as I am beginning to relax, he speaks:)

Date: “I don’t want to kill the mood, but… are you of a healthy weight?”

(He may not have wanted to, but he killed it.)

[florida80]

No Need To Get Crabby About It

Australia, Car, Language & Words, Queensland, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 27, 2018


(My husband and I are on vacation. We’ve come to a fishing village to spend a week fishing. We also intend to catch mud crabs, as my husband has never eaten real crab before.)

Husband: “I want to go on some photography expeditions. I think we can get some nice photos here.”

Me: “My goal is to catch crabs.”

Husband: “You really like crab, hey?”

Me: “I just really want to give you crabs.”

Husband: “You want to give me crabs?”

Me: *pause* “Wait! No! Not those type of crabs. I want you to taste crab.”

[florida80]

Slashing The Chances Of Dating An A**hole

Dating, Funny Kids, home, Pennsylvania, Sons & Daughters, USA | Romantic | February 26, 2018


(I have a coworker who’s friendly and cute, and we’ve hung out a few times unofficially. One day, I stop by his place on his day off to pick something up. He pats me on the shoulder as he walks by. His daughter, who is laying on the couch at the time, sees him do this. Once he’s out of the room, she props herself up on one arm and peers at me.)

Daughter: “Are you Daddy’s new boyfriend?”

Me: *unable to tell if this is a trap or not* “We work together.”

Daughter: “That’s not a no.”

Me: *hesitantly* “Okay, um, I don’t know yet. I guess we’re still testing the waters. He’s nice enough, so I wouldn’t object if he were interested. Would you?”

Daughter: *suspiciously* “His last boyfriend was an a**hole. Are you an a**hole?”

Me: “I… I try not to be.”

Daughter: *narrows her eyes* “You break his heart, I’ll slash your tires.”

Me: *studying her carefully* “I believe you.”

Daughter: “Smart boy.”

(With that, she lay back down as her father came back in. I officially asked him out later that week. Two years later, my tires remain un-slashed.)

[florida80]

Propelled Into Oddness

Car, Engaged, Silly, USA | Romantic | February 25, 2018


(My fiancé and I have just completed our first premarital counseling session and are on the drive home. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I’m not in a particularly talkative mood. It should also be noted that he’s driving my car and carrying the conversation. After a while, the car falls into an awkward silence for a few minutes, then…)

Fiancé: “Brrrr!” *making propeller noises with his mouth*

Me: *looks over at him, baffled*

Fiancé: “Your car has a propeller now.”

Me: “Uh… huh.”

Fiancé: “What? It was quiet in here!”

[florida80]

I Find Your Lack Of Standards… Disturbing

Geeks Rule, Military, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | February 24, 2018


(My husband is in the military and has called me to video chat. He is trying to find a show he wanted me to watch but he can’t remember the name. As he’s looking through his browser history in an effort to find it, I’m whistling snippets of different theme songs. I suddenly hear someone running, and another soldier is suddenly poking his head over my husband’s shoulder.)

Husband: *jumps* “Whoa, [Soldier]! When did you get here? If I had realized you were here, I’d have put on my headphones.”

Soldier: “I just came in to grab something.” *to me* “Was that you whistling Darth Vader’s theme?!”

Me: “Yeah, it was.”

Soldier: “That was awesome!” *to husband* “Marry her, ASAP, dude.”

Husband: *chuckles* “[Soldier], this is my wife, [My Name].”

Soldier: “Dude, you’re lucky.”

(After saying that, the soldier disappears from my line of sight.)

Me: “So… He doesn’t have very high standards, does he?”

[florida80]

The Butt Of Your Own Joke

Australia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 23, 2018


(My husband and I are discussing a poor behaviour our puppy is exhibiting.)

Husband: “I mean, if we don’t nip it in the butt—”

Me: “HA! Did you just say, ‘Nip it in the butt’?! It’s ‘bud.’ ‘Nip it in the bud.’”

Husband: “What?” *laughing* “No, let me finish.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, my gosh. ‘Nip it in the butt.’”

Husband: “What does ‘nip it in the bud’ even mean?”

Me: “I think it has something to do with flowers.”

Husband: *not convinced* “I think it’s ‘nip it in the butt.’”

[florida80]

Too Little, Way Too Late

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, home, The Netherlands | Romantic | February 22, 2018


(After seven months, I completely fall out of love with my boyfriend, and I decide to break up with him. All of this happens in a fairly calm conversation, with a few tears here and there. There is one part I will never forget, though.)

Me: “A big problem for me was that you are always late. Always. Like, guaranteed, at least ten minutes late.”

Boyfriend: “You know I can’t help it.”

Me: “You know I used to have a problem with being late, and I told you how I fixed it.”

(We had numerous conversations about this.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I know; I remember. I never tried those methods, though. I was just hoping it would get better on its own.”

Me: *shocked*

(Three days later, he forwarded an email his mother sent him in response to our break-up. She said she couldn’t believe I had called him “unreliable” and she strongly disagreed. Yeah, that’ll make me take you back.)

[florida80]

Never Too Late To Dump Him

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Jerk, The Netherlands, Time, Train | Romantic | February 21, 2018


(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting at least twenty minutes for him, every single time. I used to have a problem with being late, years before, so I try to talk to him about tricks and coping. Cue the day he is going to meet my parents. I am SUPER nervous. I absolutely need him to be on time for this.)

Me: “So, you know how you’re always at least ten minutes late?”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Yeah.”

Me: “We absolutely cannot miss the train when we’re going to meet my parents. So, I want you to pretend the train is leaving ten minutes earlier than it actually is, so you’ll be on time. And then, I want you to be early for that.”

Boyfriend: “Sure.”

Me: “So, we’ll treat it like a date; we’ll be 20 minutes early, have some fun at the train station, then catch the train.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *sigh of relief*

(On the day of our trip, I’m almost half an hour early for the train. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Ten minutes before the train leaves, I start texting and calling. No answer. No boyfriend. I am freaking out. Two minutes before the train leaves, he comes running.)

Me: “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer?”

Boyfriend: “Hang on. I still have to buy a train ticket.”

(I am flabbergasted. Long story short: we miss the train. I am a silent ball of rage.)

Boyfriend: “If you had bought me a ticket, we wouldn’t have missed it.”

Me: “WHY WOULD I BUY YOU A TICKET?!”

Boyfriend: “Because you should’ve known I’d be late.”

[florida80]

With Or Without U2

Car, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Toledo, USA | Romantic | February 20, 2018


Husband: “You don’t know who David Bowie is!”

Me: “Yeah, I do! He’s the Goblin King! Admittedly, I’ve never seen that movie.”

Husband: *scoffs*

Me: “He was a singer, too.”

Husband: “Was? He’s still a singer!”

Me: “No… He died.”

Husband: “Oh, yeah… I forgot. He didn’t seem that old. Man, I forgot the lead singer of U2 died.”

Me: “WHAT?!” *hysterical laughter*

Husband: “What?”

Me: “THAT’S BONO!

[florida80]

Alarm C(l)ock

home, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 19, 2018


(As I’m a compulsively early riser, my husband has asked that I wake him at six am if he hasn’t gotten up himself. I don’t hear his alarm at six, so I go up and “wake him the best way.”)

Husband: “I think I’ll just conveniently forget to set my alarm from now on!”

[florida80]

Husband, You Wound Me

Colorado, Fort Collins, Health & Body, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 18, 2018


(I am looking at Pinterest when I find a pin on how to do subcutaneous sutures. I am looking at it when my husband comes in, glances over my shoulder and issues the following pronouncement:)

Husband: “You don’t get to practice on me. We’ll get you a side of pork if you really want to try.”

(I have no medical background, whatsoever; I was just looking out of curiosity.)

[florida80]

Sick Of Your Compliments

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 17, 2018


(My husband has been sick with a fever for a few days, and I have spent the weekend taking care of him. On the second morning, I feel his forehead.)

[florida80]

This Marriage Is Not Dead

home, Louisiana, Pineville, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 16, 2018


(I’m listening to a movie as I’m sewing. Right as a creature in the movie lets out a blood-curdling scream, I get a video call from my husband. I answer and tell him to hang on a second while I find the remote so that I can turn off the movie. After I’ve turned off the movie, I hold up the phone to apologize and notice my husband’s horrified expression.)

Me: *sheepishly* “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! The remote was on the other side of the room.”

Husband: *wide-eyed* “What was that god-awful sound?”

Me: “It was one of the creatures on Evil Dead II. I figured since [Son] is asleep I’d watch something that wasn’t a kids’ movie or show.”

Husband: *visibly relieved* “Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought I called you while you were in the middle of murdering someone!” *pause* “For the record, if you had been, I’d have just hung up and called back when it was more convenient.”

Me: *laughs* “You wouldn’t have tried to contact the proper authorities?”

Husband: *scoffs* “No. But I might have given you a few suggestions of who to off next.”

[florida80]

Unhappy Annibirthentine’s Day

Canada, Coworkers, Holidays, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Manitoba, Office, Spouses & Partners, Winnipeg | Romantic | February 15, 2018


Me: “Hey, [Coworker], it’s Valentine’s Day!”

Coworker: “Not only that; it’s also my wedding anniversary.”

Me: “Aww, how romantic!”

Coworker: “And it’s my birthday!”

Me: “Wow! Your husband must be planning something really special, eh?”

Coworker: “Nope. I’m pretty sure he forgot.”

Me: *pause* “How could he possibly forget?”

Coworker: “I wonder that every year.”

[florida80]

Valentine’s Crimes

Argentina, Bizarre, Holidays, Neuquén, Retail, Silly | Romantic | February 14, 2018


(It’s Valentine’s Day, and although it’s not really celebrated in my country, we have a few things for the occasion. A young man comes running in, panting like crazy.)

Customer: “I need that teddy bear!” *points to a bear with a big heart on his chest* “And that balloon!” *a giant heart with “I love you” written on it*

Me: “Sure. It will be [amount].”

Customer: “Do you have chocolates?!”

Me: “Yes, I can recommend [Brand] that comes with a little love poem inside.”

Customer: “Yes, give me two.”

(I gather everything and put it in a red and pink bag. He pays and runs off like he’s being chased by the devil. My boss has been watching in silence until this moment.)

Boss: “Do you think he just forgot or that he needs to repent for some sins?”

Me: “I don’t want to know.”

[florida80]

You Have Many Grave Concerns, But This Won’t Be One Of Them

Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Exes/Old Flames, Holidays, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Punny, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Romantic | February 13, 2018


(My friend is the maître d’ at a high-end restaurant. Reservations are always needed for dinner, but on holidays they can book weeks in advance. It is Valentine’s Day, and he has been fully booked for over a month. As you can imagine, people try to break rules to get a seat. This is the case when a man and woman arrive.)

Man: “You should have a reservation for two under ‘Graves.'”

Maître D’: “I don’t have any open reservations. What was the first name?”

Man: *sigh* “Abigail Graves.”

Maître D’: “Excuse me for a moment while I check.”

(My friend is confused at this point, because there is, in fact, a reservation under the name; however, he has already seated them ten minutes before, and the seated woman has given him the correct code from the reservation app. He decides to check with the seated Abigail. She is a visibly pregnant woman who is sitting with an older woman.)

Maître D’: “Excuse me for bothering you, but a couple has arrived claiming to be under your reservation.”

(At this point, the pregnant woman starts to cry and the older woman looks furious.)

Older Woman: “The nerve of him! He probably has her with him.”

Abigail: “Grandma! Please! Look. Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another woman. He’s been making my life miserable because I left him. He won’t let me come get my dog, and he has been following me. I can’t believe he is here. He fought with me when I made the reservation. If you seat him, I can’t look at him. I’ll have to leave… I…”

Maître D’: “Miss, please don’t worry. I will handle the situation. You and your grandmother just have a lovely Valentine’s dinner.”

(The owner sees the woman crying, and asks what the situation is. My friend quickly fills him in, and the owner says he wants to handle this personally. As they are walking back towards the door, the owner pauses.)

Owner: “What name was the reservation under?”

Maître D’: “Graves.”

Owner: *grinning ear to ear* “That’s what I thought.”

(They get to the rather peeved-looking man and woman a moment later.)

Owner: “I’d like you to know that I looked at the reservations. This restaurant doesn’t have any spare ‘Graves’ to seat you in. However, cheating on a pregnant woman means you deserve to be lying in one. Show yourself out.”

Man: “You have some nerve.”

Owner: “No? Okay, [Security Staff], escort them out.” *to Maître D’* “Please comp her meal. It’s not every day I can threaten someone using puns.”

[florida80]

Valentine’s Pay

Employees, Friends, Holidays, Non-Dialogue, Restaurant, San Antonio, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 12, 2018


Several years ago, a friend and his wife invited my wife and me to dinner at a very nice local restaurant. The two of them had visited the restaurant several times previously, and they were pleased with both the food and the price. This time, the reservations happened to be on Valentine’s Day.

We arrived at the restaurant in good time. We were a bit surprised that there were more empty tables than we expected. We were seated, and read the menus. The offerings were their standard meals, but the menu itself had, “Valentine’s Day Specials,” printed on it. The prices were four times the usual amount, too! We asked the waiter why the prices were higher than usual, and he said something like, “Well, it is Valentine’s Day, and you should be giving your ladies something special!”

We decided not to pay the highly-inflated prices, and got up to leave. A customer at an adjoining table looked at us, then spoke up and said, “I wish I had done that, too!”

[florida80]

Come As You Are, In A Shirt

California, Los Angeles, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2018


(My husband and I decide to go out for breakfast, and this conversation happens while we’re seated outside, waiting for our food.)

Husband: “I can’t believe it. That kid was born at least a decade after Kurt’s death, and here he is, walking around in a Nirvana shirt. It’s absolutely shameful. He’s probably wearing that because he thinks it’s all retro and whatnot.”

(I let him dig himself as deep as he will go. As soon as his rant is over, I ask him a simple question.)

Me: “So, who’s that on your shirt, again? And when did he die?”

(He was wearing a Che Guevara shirt. He died 20 years before my husband was born.)

[florida80]

And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

California, Food & Drink, home, San Jose, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 10, 2018


(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

[florida80]

Groping For A Verb

home, Illinois, Language & Words, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 9, 2018


(In the midst of the spate of sexual harassment stories in the media, my wife puts down the newspaper with a grunt and a sigh.)

Me: “Do I grope you or do I fondle you?”

Wife: “Both, sometimes.”

Me: “What’s the difference? Because I thought I had been gently fondling you for 42 years.”

Wife: “Groping is when I don’t want to be fondled.”

Me: “…”

Wife: “Shut up.”

[florida80]

Warming Up To This Chivalry Thing

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Dating, Illinois, Parents/Guardians, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 8, 2018


(The day before New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend and I go out to dinner with my parents. Our area happens to be in the middle of a vicious cold front. As we are leaving, my boyfriend stops me in the lobby of the restaurant, and asks me to wait there while he goes out to bring the car around for me. At this point, my dad goes to leave, but turns back at the door when he notices that my mom isn’t following. She gives him a very pointed smile.)

Dad: *sighs heavily* “I guess I’ll go warm up the car and bring it around for you.”

(After he leaves, my mom turns to me and says:)

Mom: “You have such a nice boyfriend.”

[florida80]

Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Georgia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”

[florida80]

Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Georgia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”

[florida80]

We’ll Always Have The Thought Of Paris

Book Store, Flirting, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | February 6, 2018


(I am about eight months pregnant. I’m carrying small, and from the back, if you can’t see my belly, I don’t look pregnant at all. Plus, my body is giving me a pregnancy advantage: cleavage. To top it all off, my hair and skin have never looked better. I’m sitting behind my desk, working Friday evening store hours, when another bookstore owner, who is also a customer of ours, comes in. I haven’t met him before, but my store owner tells me he’s recently divorced — and a big flirt, which is one of the things that led to his divorce.)

Customer: “I’m going to fly to Paris next weekend!”

Me: “That sounds terrific! Have a wonderful time.”

Customer: “Have you ever been to Paris?”

Me: “No, I haven’t.”

Customer: “You should come to Paris with me! I’ve been several times. I’ll show you all the sights! It’s a beautiful city; very romantic. We’ll have a fabulous time.” *sits on the front edge of my desk, leaning in suggestively*

Me: “Oh, I don’t think so. My doctor says it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to fly. I’m not even able to go to Israel later this month with my husband.”

(I push my chair back to get some space from him and stand up.)

Customer: *awkward pause, and then turns to my boss* “Are the bindings still up on the second floor?”

[florida80]

He’s Got Nothing Going On

Coffee Shop, Florida, Harassment, Jerk, Tampa, USA | Romantic | February 5, 2018


(I’m in line at a coffee shop. I don’t typically like much more than basic iced coffee, but it’s been a crappy week, so I decide to treat myself to a blended, iced mocha drink. As I’m waiting for my drink, the guy who was behind me in line is looking me up and down with a smirk, standing entirely too close given we are the only two people there and don’t know one another. When I make eye contact with him, he grins and raises an eyebrow, gesturing to encompass my body.)

Jerk: “You know, if you start drinking stuff like that, you’re going to ruin everything you’ve got going on.”

(I just stared at him for a second, rolled my eyes, and turned away until my drink was called. As I walked off, I heard him call me a “rude b****.” I’m not sure how me deciding not to respond to his unsolicited commentary about my body was ruder than him offering it in the first place, but oh, well. I guess that’s a pretty basic rude b**** thing to wonder. If only I’d opened myself up to his wisdom!)

[florida80]

Treated Sub-Standard By The Sub-Conscious

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Physical, Silly, USA | Romantic | February 4, 2018


(This is a story that is related to me, as I have no memory of it. I have to get up for work at 3:00 am and, because of that, I go to bed a lot earlier than my boyfriend. He comes to bed at his normal time and cuddles me. I take his hand and kiss his palm and then down his wrist. He takes this to mean I’m interested in doing more than just sleeping and starts to kiss my neck. I then kick him hard in the shin and wrap all of the blankets around me.)

Boyfriend: “Jesus! You didn’t have to kick me!”

Me: “I love you more when you’re sleeping!” *I then take his pillow and cuddle it and won’t give it back*

(I woke up to find him not in bed. I was indeed cuddling his pillow. When I went looking for him, I found him sleeping on the couch. Seven years later, we still lovingly tell each other, “I love you more when you’re sleeping.”)

[florida80]

A Tall Drink And A Taller Order

Alcohol, Bad Behavior, Bar, Harassment, Restaurant, Strangers, USA | Romantic | February 3, 2018


(In college, some friends and I often go to lounge-type restaurant that switches over to being a bar after 9:00 pm. They also offer free dance lessons — salsa, bachata, etc. — each month, and those nights are always packed. One evening, my friend and I, both women, take a break from dancing to get a drink. We’re waiting at the bar for our orders when a very intoxicated woman pushes between us.)

Random Woman: “Heyyyy!”

Me: “Um… hi?”

Random Woman: *slurring* “You wanna buy me a drink?”

Me: *thinking the bartender has probably cut her off and she’s trying to get around it* “I’m sorry. I think maybe you’ve had enough.”

Random Woman: “Aww! Come on!” *throws her arm tightly around my neck*

Me: *trying to pull away* “Please let go. I don’t know you.”

Random Woman: “Well, you could! We could get to know each other. We could have a lot of fun together…” *leans closer and rubs her thumb against her fingers in the “money/cost” gesture* “But only for 40 bucks!”

Me: *finally gets her arm off my neck* “Okay, you have a good night, now. Bye.”

(I grab my friend, who has both of our drinks, and we go back to our table.)

Friend: “What happened over there?”

Me: “Either that lady was just super drunk, or she was super drunk and also a hooker.”

[florida80]

Not So Happy Hunting

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Illinois, Outdoors, Phone, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2018


(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though

[florida80]

Not So Happy Hunting

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Illinois, Outdoors, Phone, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2018


(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though

[florida80]

An Assault On Decency

Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Restaurant, UK | Romantic | February 1, 2018


(I work on the registers of a fast food restaurant. It isn’t too busy and an elderly gentleman approaches the counter. I am cleaning the ice cream machine, so I assume my coworker will tend to him.)

Gentleman: “Excuse me, miss. Could you tell me what’s on that menu?”

(I hear a sigh and nothing else.)

Gentleman: “Umm, miss?”

(I turn around and see my coworker is on her phone. It looks like she is deliberately ignoring him, which I find very disrespectful. I decide to tend to him, instead. I read out most of the menu and he selects two meals. My coworker has been giving me horrible side-eye the entire time, while still on her phone. As his food is being prepared, an elderly woman comes out of the toilets with a walker for support. She comes to the counter, and she and the gentleman kiss and make small talk, mainly about how he left his glasses in the car. They take their food and leave.)

Me: “[Coworker], using your phone at work isn’t allowed, and why were you so rude to that man?”

Coworker: *huffs* “Wasn’t it obvious? He was trying to flirt with me!”

Me: “Umm, he must have been in his 80s. Plus, his wife was with him.”

Coworker: “How do you know?! They could have been brother and sister.”

Me: “I don’t think siblings kiss like that, at least not in public.”

(She sighed again and went to speak to the manager. I was later called to the office, where the manager said my coworker claimed I tried to downplay a man viciously trying to sexually assault her, and then shame her into feeling guilty for it. He played the footage of the entire event back to he, with audio, and then laughed her out of the building. She didn’t turn up for work the week after, so she was promptly fired. It doesn’t stop there, though. We got an audit from Human Resources about a claim of sexual harassment on the date the couple were in. My manager showed them the footage and took a couple of statements. They were only here about ten minutes. We get longer inspections if someone forgets to wear a plaster after cutting themselves.)

[florida80]

Nobody Nose It Like Men

home, Movies & TV, Parents/Guardians, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 31, 2018


(My parents and I are watching the movie “Frozen” on DVD. We reach this scene:)

Kristoff: “What if you hate the way he picks his nose?”

Anna: “Picks his nose?”

Kristoff: “And eats it.”

Anna: “Excuse me, sir. He is a prince.”

Kristoff: “All men do it.”

(My mom accuses my dad playfully.)

Mom: “Do you?”

(My dad doesn’t respond. My mom repeats the question several times, more and more seriously and surprised.)

Dad: “Just drop it, okay?”

(I guess that line is more accurate than most people expected!)

[florida80]

Many Bothans Died To Bring Us This Inquisition

Games, Geeks Rule, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 30, 2018


(My husband is playing a video game, where you can start your own player guilds. He has just picked out a name for his group.)

Husband: “I’ve created the Bothan Inquisition!”

Me: “We just woke up. How did you manage to create an inquisition?”

Husband: “I wasn’t paying attention and I accidentally got political again.”

[florida80]

Another Typical Airport Romance

Airport, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Extra Stupid, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and she has been pestering me to come with her to London and visit her family during holiday. I’ve done the same, and we’ve been teasing each other to visit our respective families this holidays after we each go home for a few days. We’re both in our second year of university.)

Me: “Hey, babe, I’ve just arrived at the airport. I’ll meet you at baggage!”

Girlfriend: “Yay, I can’t wait!”

(What seems like a half hour goes by.)

Me: “Yo, I just got my bag. Are you parking the car, or…”

Girlfriend: “Uhh, what’re you on about? I just got my bag!”

(I am confused, but suddenly realize what has happened!)

Me: “Oh, my word, babe. Are you in Indiana right now?!”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, why is that so shoc– OH, NO!”

Me: “Yup, I’m in England. We definitely fudged our surprises up, huh?”

Girlfriend: “You’ve said it. I’ll head back ASAP. Love you!”

Me: “Back at you!”

Girlfriend: *complete and utter silence*

Me: “Only kidding. I love you, too, gorgeous. I’ll see you soon. Just look for the American waiting for you with the expensive gift!”

Girlfriend: “Can’t wait!

(I spent the next few hours scouring the airport for a gift. I ended up greeting her with a pair of earbuds and some candy. We’re meant to be married next month. This happened last Christmas!)

[florida80]

A Non-Affair To Remember

Australia, Book Store, Harassment, South Australia | Romantic | January 27, 2018


(I am a 30-year-old female. A male customer, some 15 to 20 years older than me, has been hitting on me and I have politely turned him down. A week later he comes back in to pick up a book he’d ordered.)

Customer: “I wasn’t asking you to marry me and have my children. I just thought you might like to be my mistress!”

[florida80]

It’s Gonna Be A Long And Lonely Christmas Without Me

Friends, home, Indiana, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 26, 2018


(My husband and I are going through our ornaments and picking the ones that we would like to put on the Christmas tree.)

Me: *holds up a personalized ornament from when I was younger* “Look! This one says ‘Best Friends Forever’ but only has my name on it!”

Husband: “You are an introvert. You are your own best friend!”

[florida80]

A Lighter Side To This Story

Engaged, home, Silly, St Louis, USA | Romantic | January 25, 2018


(My fiancé has bought my Christmas present, and can’t resist giving me a hint.)

Fiancé: “You’ll take it everywhere, and everyone will want to use it.”

Me: *joking* “Is it a handkerchief?”

Fiancé: “No.”

Me: “Is it a lighter?”

Fiancé: *looks shifty* “No…”

Me: “Is it the Zippo we saw with the American flag on it?”

Fiancé: “D*** it.” *goes into the other room, comes back, and hands me the lighter with a crestfallen and annoyed look on this face* “Now I have to think of a new present.”

(There have been no more guessing games or hints about presents. Also, I’m not allowed to have lighter fluid for it until after Christmas!)

[florida80]

A Lack Of Blood To The Brain

Blood Donation, Coworkers, Reception, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2018


(I volunteer at the Red Cross reception desk one morning each week. The job’s not very difficult; mostly I just answer the phone and direct prospective donors to the blood services section elsewhere in the building. One morning a tall, beefy guy comes loping down the hall and stops in front of my desk.)

Guy: “Well, I’m done donating blood!”

Me: “You’re a great American. Hey, do you have any money?”

Guy: “Nope, sorry.

Me: *making my voice mock-whiny* “Not even five bucks? I want to take myself out to lunch after my shift ends!”

Guy: “You’re out of luck.” *jokingly* “You’ll have to settle for a kiss.”

(He leans over the counter and kisses me on the forehead. I hear a sharp intake of breath, turn around, and see our volunteer coordinator standing behind me with a horrified expression on her face.)

Me: “Oops. [Volunteer Coordinator], I don’t think you’ve ever met my husband.”

[florida80]

Daddy Issues: The Holiday Special

home, In-Laws, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2018


(It’s Christmas Day, and my husband and I have just had his parents over for the morning. My husband’s father has already made several racist remarks — something he is quite prone to — and then makes it worse by going on and on about how he’s “not a racist.” This is a point of contention between my father-in-law and me, and unfortunately for everyone involved, he and I do not get along very well. My in-laws finally leave and my husband and I are both relieved.)

Husband: “I’m so sorry about him. I’m sorry that he is such a jerk and that he doesn’t realize what an amazing daughter-in-law he has. Thank you for marrying me and for staying with me.”

Me: “Honey, you are not your father. I love you. I would take a hundred [Father-In-Law]s for your sake.”

Husband: “And I could visit you every week in the psychiatric hospital!”

[florida80]

A Dollar For A Priceless Moment

Maine, Money, Retail, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 22, 2018


(This is a memory of my husband, as he has since passed in July. I remember how whenever we went together into a store, we always came out with over $100 worth of items. If I went in alone, it was half of that. I used to pick on him about it, banning him from going in with me. We have a new dollar store open up in the town we shop in, and we decide to go, and this happens.)

Me: “Okay, now, we are going into the dollar store. There is no way in hell you can spend over $100 in this d*** place.”

Husband: “Shouldn’t.”

(We go in and do our shopping, and lo and behold, our total is over $100. We get back out to the truck. I put our daughter in her car seat then get in the front, crossing my arms and staring at my husband. He just starts laughing.)

Me: “You’re banned from [Dollar Store]. How the h*** did you do that?!”

Husband: “I don’t know!”

Me: “I can’t take you anywhere.”

(There is a new dollar store opening up, and to be honest, I’ll miss banning him from that one.)

[florida80]

What A Sheety Thing To Do

home, Parents/Guardians, Seattle, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Washington | Romantic | January 21, 2018


(I’m sitting on my bed when my dad sits next to me.)

Dad: “When your mother gave birth to you, do you want to know the first thing she said to me?”

Me: “No?”

Dad: *continuing anyway* “She said, ‘CHANGE THE SHEETS, YOU B******; I’M BIRTHING YOUR CHILD!’”

Mom: *from the next room* “And what did we come home to? Dirty sheets! That’s what!”

[florida80]

Should Be Your Blanket Response To Most Decisions

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, New York, Silly, USA |
Romantic | January 20, 2018

(In the morning:)

Girlfriend: “I was cold last night.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “Because you took all the blankets.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you take them back?”

Girlfriend: “Because I would have woken you up.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, then, you made your choice.”

[florida80]

The Many Friendly Adventures Of The Lustful Lamia

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, Flirting, home, Illinois, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2018


(My sex drive is considerably higher than my boyfriend’s, which isn’t usually a problem, except occasionally when he’ll worry that he’s pressuring me into sex, which at least with me, is virtually never the case. We’re talking about this at one point.)

Me: “With me, you can basically assume that if you want sex, I’ll also be down for it, and on the one-in-a-thousand chance that I’m not, I’ll just let you know. I’m like a siren, except less likely to lure you in and drown you.”

Boyfriend: “Are sirens known for being lustful? I thought they were mostly about the drownings.”

Me: “Hmm. A succubus then? Or a lamia, except less likely to steal your body heat?”

Boyfriend: “Now that’s a total lie; you steal my body heat constantly! We go to sleep, and you’re like, ‘Mmmm, come here; you’re so warm,’ and then I feel your icy feet!'”

Me: “Okay, we’ve found it. I’m a lustful lamia, except more likely to annoy you with cold feet than to freeze you to death!”

(A year later, he still uses “lamia” as a pet name. It very much amuses me!)

[florida80]

The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

California, home, Love/Romance, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2018


(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

[florida80]

The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

California, home, Love/Romance, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2018


(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

[florida80]

You’re All Just Numbers To Them

Costa Rica, Dating, Flirting, Jerk, Text/Chat/Email | Romantic | January 17, 2018


(I am talking to a guy on [Dating App]. After a good while of talking:)

Guy: “Wow! We have so much in common. You are the perfect woman. Smart, beautiful… May I ask what your height is?”

Me: “Sure. I’m 1m, 53cm tall.”

Guy: Awww. Almost perfect. Oh, well, I usually like taller women, but I can try to overlook your defect.”

(I obviously tell him off and never speak to him again, until, on a different social media platform:)

Guy: “Hi! I saw your pictures and I think we have a lot in common. Can we talk and get to know each other?”

(Is he for real?!)

[florida80]

Death Becomes Her, Part 2

home | ME, USA | Romantic | June 10, 2012


(My girlfriend of two years and I are sitting together in her living room talking about our future plans in life.)

Girlfriend: “What would you do if I died?”

Me: “Hide the body, and destroy the evidence.”

[florida80]

Death Becomes Her, Part 3

Text/Chat/Email | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Romantic | October 26, 2013


(My boyfriend and I are texting.)

Boyfriend: “I plan on being with you when you die.”

Me: “Aw!”

Boyfriend: “…holding the knife.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

Death Becomes Her, Part 5

British Columbia, Canada, Grocery Store, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Vancouver | Romantic | January 16, 2018


(I am checking out a married couple at my till. It is just about sunset.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Husband: “Good.” *looks at wife* “She hasn’t killed me yet.”

Wife: *chuckling* “The day’s not over yet, honey.”



Related:

[florida80]

When You’re Planning On Dating Sheldon Cooper

Coworkers, Dating, England, London, Love/Romance, Pub, Silly, UK | Romantic | January 15, 2018


(I am sat next to my male colleague, who I’m quite good friends with. I’m female and have recently realised I’m bi. I am complaining to him about my new discovery that I am terrible at chatting up women, when I realise that he has a girlfriend and ask him for tips. Note that we’re both lawyers. We chat for a bit about what he used to do and then…)

Colleague: “I think now… Okay, so, I guess if it was now, you’d want to just talk to her. And then you agree that it’s exclusive, so you know the terms you stand on.”

Me: “Are you suggesting I make her sign an exclusivity agreement?”

Colleague: “Bring it on the first date.”

Me: “That’ll go down well.”

Colleague: “Make sure you include all the relevant warranties.”

Me: “To the best of my knowledge and belief, I am not dating anyone else?”

Colleague: “Schedule five contains a list of all former relationships.”

Me: “A list of all ex-lovers who might want to kill me.”

Colleague: “Let’s go for material relationships; that’ll do it.”

Me: “Do I stick indemnities in there, as well? Like, in the event of a break up, you will indemnify me for the cost of all gifts over a certain amount?”

Colleague: “Couldn’t hurt. You see, this will be very romantic.”

Me: “Yup. Do we have to give notice to terminate?”

Colleague: “No, we’ll go for at-will.”

Me: “Very American. Also sensible.”

Colleague: “Oh, but in the event of a material breach…”

Me: “You have to remedy within ten days?”

Colleague: “Yes!”

Me: “You know, when I asked you for help, I wasn’t expecting you to advise I bring a 100-page legal document with me.”

Colleague: “Well, it could just be heads of terms. So, not binding.”

Me: “Like a lesser version of a prenup?”

Colleague: “If you keep adding terms, though, you know what it’ll be?”

Me: “…what?”

Colleague: “A relationship agreement!”

Me: “…”

Colleague: “What?”

Me: “That’s terrible.”

Colleague: “It’s true, though. It’s an agreement that governs the relationship between two parties. A relationship agreement!”

Me: “This is the last time I ask you for advice on dating.”

(For the record, the other lawyers sitting around us slowly edged away during this conversation…)

[florida80]

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 13

Park | Czech Republic | Romantic | June 23, 2015


(I am walking, and having great time, with my boyfriend, who is a big nerd. We walk along a river and I am telling a joke about a scientist who wants to impress a girl on first date.)

Me: “…and she says, ‘Okay, explain this: A cow, a horse, and a deer all eat grass, right? So why does a cow makes those large wet cakes, a horse poops those horse donuts, and a deer makes those small round droppings?’ The man says: ‘Uh, I do not know.’ And she says: ‘What kind of conversation do you hope for, when you don’t know s***!'”

Boyfriend: *thousand-yard stare, deep in thought* “Well, a cow is a cud-chewing animal, while a horse is not, that is definitely a factor… And a deer is wild animal, meaning it must make hard, dry droppings, to conserve water, because the wolves always wait near watering places…” *suddenly looks at me and focuses* “…Uh, but you wanted me to laugh, right?”

[florida80]

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 14

home | Cupertino, CA, USA | Romantic | January 28, 2016


(My partner and I have been called notoriously unromantic by our friends, though I can’t imagine why. We’re cuddling on the couch when this happens.)

Me: “Can we stay together forever?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “What? Why not?”

Him: “Well, even if we were buried together, someday the earth will be destroyed, and all the atoms would scatter…”

[florida80]

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 15

home | FL, USA | Romantic | June 16, 2016


(I have a girlfriend whom I only get to see about once a month due to distance. When together, one of the things we do is catch up on Big Bang Theory on the DVR. Usually I “drive” the remote and fast-forward through the commercials, trying to hit “play” again right before the show resumes. Often there’s a pattern to what types of commercials happen in what order, but this pattern had apparently recently changed, and so I’m not hitting “play” in the right places.)

Me: “Usually I can hit the end of the commercials right on, but it seems like they’ve changed the pattern they use to program them. That’s not right.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I just sounded disturbingly like Sheldon right now, didn’t I?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, and I’m ignoring you just like Leonard.”

[florida80]

Crochet Away

Bizarre, Craft Store, Employees, Harassment, Jerk, UK | Romantic | January 14, 2018


(I come up to the checkout with a few bundles of yarn and a crochet needle.)

Cashier: “Ooh, you crochet?”

Me: “Not really. My mum made a lot of my clothes as a toddler. I thought I’d challenge myself and see how hard it is.”

Cashier: “That’s nice.”

(She scans my items.)

Cashier: “So, my brother’s single, and he’s looking for a boyfriend.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Is he?”

Cashier: “So…?”

Me: “Card, please.”

Cashier: “No, silly! My brother.”

Me: “What about him?”

Cashier: “Are you interested?”

Me: “Not really. I have a wife and kids.”

Cashier: “You aren’t a very convincing straight man, coming in here and buying your pretty things! I clocked the man-obsession the second you walked in.”

(I start walking to the exit.)

Cashier: *practically screaming* “Wait, don’t you want your things?”

Me: “I’ll look elsewhere, thanks.”

Cashier: “COME BACK ANYTIME! AND LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU COME OUT. MY BROTHER WILL STILL BE SINGLE!”

(I looked elsewhere, and in the end managed to make a decent looking beanie. My wife immediately stole it. I didn’t even get the chance to try it on.)

[florida80]

Keeping Him Rice And Happy

British Columbia, Canada, Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Mill Bay | Romantic | January 12, 2018


(This is a story from my grandmother. When she marries my grandfather, in the late 1940s, she asks him about all the foods he likes so she can make them for him. She asks him if he likes rice, and he says he does. So one meal, she makes chicken and rice.)

Grandad: “Rice? No potatoes?”

Nana: “But you said you liked rice!”

Grandad: “I meant rice pudding!”

(For the next sixty years she always made meat dishes with potatoes. After he died, she had rice with her chicken.)

[florida80]

The Merry Adventures Of Mr. Plow

Convenience Store, Harassment, Language & Words, Massachusetts, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | January 12, 2018


(I, a twenty-three year old woman, work third shift at a gas station, alone. It is the first major snowfall of the season and everybody who owns a plow is out there. A guy in his thirties comes in to buy a soda and cigarettes.)

Me: *after I scan them* “Anything else?”

Customer: *handing me the money* “A plowing partner.”

(As I’m putting it in the drawer, I suddenly wonder if he wasn’t talking about clearing snow. I decide to ignore the comment as I hand him his change. Apparently he also rethought his words.)

Customer: “I just realized that might have come off the wrong way…”

(I reassured him I knew what he meant, but that accidental suggestive comment actually made my night.)

[florida80]

She Will Tell You Valentine’s And Time Again

Advice, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Colorado, Retail, USA | Romantic | January 11, 2018


(My long-term boyfriend and I are regulars at a comic book shop, and often talk with the staff while we browse. On this day, there’s a young man and a younger woman working.)

Young Man: “My girlfriend’s birthday is just a few days after Valentine’s Day. February is a real minefield for me.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. I find it so much easier to not focus on arbitrary dates like that. Huh, baby?”

Boyfriend: “What’s that?”

Me: “We don’t worry about Valentine’s Day, do we?”

Boyfriend: “No, thank god.”

Young Woman: “You have to be careful about that.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Young Woman: “Well, I mean, I tell my boyfriend I don’t really care, but of course I do care.”

Me: “What? Then why tell him you don’t care?”

Young Woman: “Because he should know.”

Me: “You… expect him to read your mind? I really don’t get this.”

Young Woman: *impatiently* “I’m a girl! Of course I care!”

Me: “I’m a girl. I don’t care.”

Young Woman: “Well, you have to be careful about believing that! We all care!”

Me: “I am standing here saying that I don’t care. You’re not hearing it second hand from [Boyfriend]. I don’t care.”

Young Woman: “Yeah, right, you won’t dump him if he just skips Valentine’s Day.”

Me: “We have been together for five years. We’ve skipped every Valentine’s Day. I. Don’t. Care.”

Young Woman: “Well, you really have to be careful about that. I would dump my boyfriend if he skipped Valentine’s Day after I told him I didn’t care about it.”

Me: “Oh, my god! You’re the reason women are stereotyped as unreasonable! Thanks a lot for that! Is it really so frickin’ hard to just say what you mean?”

Young Woman: “He should know!”

Me: *to Boyfriend* “Don’t you dare get me anything this year.”

Boyfriend: “I was thinking of getting you a new tablet sometime this month. If you want to call that a Valentine’s gift, we can.”

Me: “No, let’s not call it anything. But that’s very very sweet; I do need a new one.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, want to go look at tablets?”

Me: “I love you.”

Young Woman: *as we’re leaving* “Don’t believe it! She wants jewelry!”

[florida80]

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 67

home | NJ, USA | Romantic | August 3, 2016


(After reading previous posts on this site, I decide to ask my wife “The Question.”)

Me: “What would you do if I became a zombie?”

Wife: *with no hesitation* “I’d shoot you in the face.”

Me: *slightly taken aback* “Specifically the face? Not just the head?”

Wife: “No, the face.”

Me: “So if you shot me in the back of the head, that wouldn’t be good enough?”

Wife: “No, because after I shoot you in the back of the head, I’d need to shoot you in the face to make sure you were dead.”

[florida80]

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 69

home | Salisbury, England, UK | Romantic | September 11, 2016


(My girlfriend and I are lying in bed one morning and I decide to pop the question.)

Me: “What would you do if I became a zombie?”

Girlfriend: “Well, I’d make sure that you were a good zombie but if you weren’t I’d put you in a cage but if you got really bad I’d shoot you.”

Me: “Fair enough. If you turned I’d let you bite me ‘cause I know you like to win. Then I’d shoot you myself.”

Girlfriend: “I didn’t know we could do that!”

[florida80]

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 70

home | Portland, OR, USA | Romantic | October 8, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are chatting in bed before going to sleep. I hate the whole zombie apocalypse culture, and can’t stand the “what would you do if I got turned into a zombie?” stories. My boyfriend has just told me he loves zombie apocalypse stuff.)

Boyfriend: “So, what would you do if I got turned into a zombie?”

Me: *instantly* “I’d bludgeon you to death with the nearest hard object. Shut up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh…” *sounds disappointed*

Me: “Okay, fine. I give in. What would you do if I got turned into a zombie?”

Boyfriend: “I’d bludgeon you.”

Me: “With what?”

Boyfriend: “With my penis!”

Me: “You would have to be hard in order to bludgeon me with that. So you’re saying you’d be aroused by zombie me?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, absolutely! Dead vaginas are the best. Mmmmm.”

Me: “You’re disgusting. This is so going on the Internet.”

[florida80]

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 71

home, Marriage & Partners, Minnesota, USA, Zombies | Romantic | January 10, 2018


(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)

Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

Wife: “Logically, I’d shoot you. But in reality I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d shoot you, but I’m better with guns than you are.”

Wife: “This is true. Eh, we’re together enough that we’d probably be bitten at the same time, anyway.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

[florida80]

The Case Of The Two-Dollar Punch

Australia, home, Marriage & Partners | Romantic | January 9, 2018


(My partner and I are getting out of bed to start the day. I’ve been a sleep-walker/talker since childhood, though it’s rarer now that I’m older.)

Partner: “Do you remember waking me up last night?”

Me: “What? Well, I guess. I needed a drink around four. Sorry I woke you.”

Partner: “No, earlier than that. You punched me in the back.”

Me: “What?!”

Partner: “Yeah, you hit me, and when I rolled over to ask why, you looked me right in the face and said—” *drops his voice to a creepy whisper* “—’twoooooo dollar.'”

Me: “…”

Partner: “Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.”

Me: “No. No, I do not remember that.”

Partner: “I’m going to get a security camera or something set up in here one of these days, just to record the creepy s*** your unconscious a** says.”

[florida80]

Italian Stereotypes Needs A Dressing

Marriage & Partners | Romantic | January 8, 2018


(We decide to go try a new Italian restaurant for dinner. We walk in and it’s the most stereotypical “Italian restaurant” decor I’ve ever actually seen in real life. There are plastic grapes stapled to the walls two inches from us. Red, white, and green paint. Canvasses with pictures of Italy on the walls. The restaurant literally has the word Italy in their name. We’re ordering our dinner and everything is going fine until:)

Server: “And for you?”

Husband: “I’ll do the cheesy gnocchi.”

Server: “And what kind of dressing for your salad?”

Husband: “Um… do you have Italian?”

Server: “Yup! I’ll get that right in!”

Me: “Babe. I’m pretty sure they have ITALIAN dressing.”

Husband: “…I’m tired!”

[florida80]

Lettuce Not

Grocery Store, Harassment, Providence, Rhode Island, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2018


(I am the cashier at a supermarket. Someone unusual has decided to shop here today.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?”

Customer: “LETTUCE!”

Me “Uhh… lettuce?”

Customer: “GRAPES!”

Me: “Do you want lettuce and grapes?”

Customer: “HONEY ALL OVER MY BODY!”

Me: “Um… ma’am, the honey is over on aisle seven—”

Customer: *leaning over the counter* “I don’t want that honey. Just you, baaaby!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you drunk?”

Customer: “No, just drunk on my love for you. Come, rub that lettuce all over my p****!”

Me: “Ma’am, please leave me alone.”

Customer: “Kiss me!”

(She leans over and tries to kiss my neck. I call security and they drag her away.)

Customer: “Only yooouuu…”

(It turned out that the woman was very intoxicated.)

[florida80]

Dad Jokes Have No Temperature

Health & Body, home, Oregon, Portland, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 6, 2018


(I have been sick and haven’t been able to get much sleep. After another night of tossing and turning, I’m feeling delirious.)

Me: “I need to take my temperature again.”

Husband: “I don’t know where you put the temperature thing.”

Me: “Temperature thing? You mean the thermometer?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Me: “I put it next to the ther-DAD-iger.”

Husband: “No. Just, no. Back to bed with you.”

Me: *laughing and coughing fit*

[florida80]

Crazy Hungry Love

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, King of Prussia, Love/Romance, Pennsylvania, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are discussing a Facebook post wherein a guy referred to his girlfriend as “Butterscotch.” )

Boyfriend: “I promise never to call you ‘Thingamajig.’ Or ‘Butterfinger.’ Or ‘Lollipop.’ Because calling your girlfriend a food item sounds pretty degrading.”

Me: *interjecting* “Belgian Waffle.”

Boyfriend: “You’re likening someone you say you love to something you chew up into tiny bits, swallow, suck out everything good left in it, and excrete out 24 hours later.” *pause* “Buttermilk Pancake.”

Me: “Green bean.”

Boyfriend: “Crab Cake.”

Me: “Tater tot.”

Boyfriend: “Cheese biscuit.”

Me: “Okay, we could do this literally forever.”

Boyfriend: “We could!”

Me: “Let’s not.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, Bacon Cheeseburger.”

(To his credit, he did actually stop after that last one.)

[florida80]

That Decision Will Have A Lot Of Fallout

Canada, Games, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 4, 2018


(My husband is playing “Fallout 4.” He has been agonizing for months over which faction to pick, watching videos and reading reviews, paranoid that he will choose poorly. Finally, he makes the irreversible decision.)

Husband: “Now, I’m off to kill the bad guys.”

Me: “Unless you are the bad guys.”

Husband: “Arrrrgh, why would you say that?! Oh, my Goooooood! Nooo! Why would you make me doubt myself?! This is why I can’t finish this game!”

Me: *laughing my pants off*

[florida80]

The Court Of Love Deems This Dream Guilty

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Kansas, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2018


(My boyfriend’s leg is digging into my thigh while he’s sleeping.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], move your leg.” *push*

Boyfriend: *mumbles while moving* “[Mumbles something] …your girlfriend.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: *rolls over* “Anything you say will be used against you in the court of love!”

(I busted out laughing. He had no recollection the next day, but he laughed, too, when I told him.)

[florida80]

No Pizza Is Worth This Much

Bigotry, Delivery, England, Harassment, home, Jerk, London, Pizza, UK | Romantic | January 2, 2018


(I am a 19-year-old female living with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has anxiety and can’t stand it when a man comes near her. Recently, my girlfriend got sick and was hospitalized. To celebrate her recovery and her arrival home, we order pizza. When the pizza arrives, I am on the phone with my dad asking him to bring something for tomorrow.)

Me: “Babe, can you get the door? I’m on the phone.”

(As she goes to the door, she sees it’s a guy. She whimpers and runs back into the kitchen where I’m standing.)

Girlfriend: “[My Name], it’s a man. I can’t do this.”

Me: “It’s okay, babe. I got it.”

(I hang up and go to answer the door. The delivery guy is short, baby-faced, and looks like he’s just started his first year of university. As soon as he sets his gaze on me, I see the wheels in his head start turning.)

Delivery Guy: “Took you long enough!”

Me: “I’m very sorry. I was on the phone.”

Delivery Guy: “I guess I could let it slide if I could… sit in and eat this with you? You’re my last delivery for the night.”

(He smirks and I roll my eyes.)

Me: “No, thank you. I’m good. How much will it be, then?

Delivery Guy: *holding my pizza away from me* “Aw, come on! You are smoking! It’s free if I can get your number and a kiss.” *winks*

(I am so over this guy. I start digging through my wallet and pull out enough to cover it.)

Me: “I’m really not interested.”

Delivery Guy: “Aww. Well, then, maybe just your number? Come on, sweetie. I can show you a good time!”

(He hands me my pizza. I roll my eyes.)

Me: “Look, I’m just trying to have a nice night in with my girlfriend. Here’s your money.”

(His eyes are as big as saucers as he realizes his mistake.)

Delivery Guy: “Eww! I just hit on a [slur]!”

(He then took off running down the hall… without his money. Hey, horny delivery boy, thanks for the free pizza!)

[florida80]

Their Golden Years Are Going Swimmingly

Clinic, Golden Years, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA, Volunteer | Romantic | January 1, 2018


(I’m volunteering at a clinic, currently working in administration. I handle calls and schedule appointments. It has been raining throughout the whole month, so there are puddles outside. An elderly couple around their 70s come out from their appointment.)

Husband: *to his wife* “Let me move the car so you won’t walk in a puddle.”

Wife: “No, it’s all right. Just unlock the door.”

Husband: “Fine. If you fall, it’s not my fault.”

Wife: “Don’t worry; I can swim.” *walks out the door*

[florida80]

Long Distance Is So Easy I Can Do It In My Sleep

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, College & University, Long Distance, Pennsylvania, Roommates, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 31, 2017


(At this time my boyfriend and I are long-distance, and both in school. He’s commuting an hour and back to school every day. We video call before going to bed. I share a bedroom, and my roommate lets me know when she’s getting ready for bed so I can end the conversation or move to the living room.)

Roommate: *coming into bedroom* “When are you guys planning to go to sleep?”

Me: “I don’t know. Sweetie, when are you going to sleep?”

Boyfriend: *sounding quite drowsy* “As often as possible.”

Roommate: *cracking up* “That means now.”

[florida80]

Love Is A Game

Belgium, Games, Ignoring & Inattentive, Online, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | December 30, 2017


(I play a survival game online with a group of friends, among them a married couple. We’re clearing a cave of giant insects. Our strategy revolves around having people grapple up to the ceiling and shooting from there while a ground team keeps the bugs busy. We are starting to run out of ammo, when…)

Tribe Leader: “Okay, I’m calling a retreat; back to base to restock.”

(We begin to run, with several bugs on our heels when we hear, through the voice chat:)

Wife: “Hey, [Husband]! You’re forgetting something.”

Husband: “What?”

Wife: “ME!”

(It turned out she hadn’t been able to grapple down to join us and had been cut off. [Husband] mounted a rescue as soon as we restocked on ammo.)

[florida80]

The Age Of Adorable

Adorable Children, Antwerpen, School, Siblings, Teachers | Romantic | December 28, 2017


(I am a female teacher. One of my male students has a six-year-old sister who adores him to the point where she won’t allow him past the school gates without a kiss. She’s universally accepted as “too cute.” One day I’m going to my car to get home after a long day and I run into my student, as well as his mother and sister. I wave at him, and then hear:)

Sister: *loudly* “Who is that?”

Student: *also loudly because he wants me to hear* “That’s the prettiest teacher in school, who is going to give me good grades tonight!” *we had a test that day*

(I laugh it off and get in my car, thinking it was a pretty okay joke. The next day, about 15 minutes into class, this student’s phone rings.)

Student: “Oh, d***. I swear this thing was off. Wait, Mom?”

(He takes the call out of worry.)

Student: “Yes, Mom… SHE WHAT?!”

(He jumps up and runs for the door.)

Student: “Sorry, my sister disappeared. She can’t have gone far; I’m going to look for her.”

(The daycare is a one-minute walk away from my classroom, so I rally my class to help out. However, as we take a collective sprint to the gates, we find his sister standing in the schoolyard, looking lost. Upon seeing us she runs past her brother straight to me, looking as adorably angry as only a six-year-old can. She angrily pokes me in the thigh and looks up at me, declaring:)

Sister: “[Brother] is going to marry me, not you!”

(Turns out she was a little jealous.)

[florida80]

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Away Its Location

Extra Stupid, home, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | December 27, 2017


(It’s a month before Christmas, and I’ve purchased some gifts for my wife. When the first one arrives, I hide it in my desk drawer, where she promptly discovers it within hours. A few days later, another gift arrives, and I decide to hide both someplace different. The following takes place that evening:)

Wife: “So, where did you hide that other gift?”

Me: “Someplace you’ll never find it!”

Wife: “Is it in the other drawer?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yes.”

[florida80]

It’s A Date! Wait…

Bad Behavior, Dating, Friends, Harassment, Houston, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Restaurant, Texas, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2017


(I go to college out of state, but come home to Houston every year for holidays and summers. My boyfriend attends college where I do, but lives elsewhere. A male friend I have known since high school contacts me on messenger to ask about my holiday plans one year.)

Friend: “So, you’re going to be home again for Thanksgiving?”

Me: “Yeah, I thought about going to see my boyfriend’s family this year, but we decided that we should just each go home separately. I might go visit him for New Year’s, though.”

Friend: “We should get together when you’re back! We can have a big outing like we used to with everyone!”

Me: “That sounds like fun! If you plan it, I’ll find a way to make it.”

(A few weeks pass, and Thanksgiving break is imminent. He messages me again.)

Friend: “Hey! Are we still on for getting together when you’re back?”

Me: “Sure thing! Is that Saturday okay with everyone? Did you want to do an e-vite so everyone knows? I can set something up and start a group chat.”

Friend: “I’ll take care of it. Are you bringing your car back? Do you need a ride?”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure [Another Friend of ours] can pick me up, since I live so close to him.”

Friend: “No, no! I insist on picking you up! Does [Local Restaurant] sound okay?”

Me: “Sure. I think that should be within everybody’s budgets.”

(I came home for Thanksgiving and the get-together had been solidified. Or so I thought. My friend texted me to say he was coming to pick me up. Upon arriving at the restaurant, I discovered that he lied and didn’t invite anyone else; it was just the two of us. I insisted on paying for my meal, despite his repeated attempts to cover it, and the entire evening was extremely awkward with little conversation. When he drove me home, he even tried to lean over to kiss me as I was getting out of the car. I chewed him out over messenger when I finally got over my shock and disgust, and he acted like I was some cheating girlfriend who had led him on for months. When I mentioned the whole scenario to a mutual friend of ours, he laughed and said that this was the third time that guy had pulled this series of tricks on a girl in our social circles. And every time, he tried to blame it on her “leading him on.”)

[florida80]

Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Holidays, home, Love/Romance, Music, Pennsylvania, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 25, 2017


(For as long as I can remember, I have loved a specific Christmas song. One day I’m telling my husband about it.)

Me: “I know it’s weird, but it’s like the holiday season doesn’t really begin until I hear ‘Snoopy’s Christmas.’ I don’t know why. It just isn’t Christmas until someone plays it.”

(The conversation meanders and I don’t think much more about it. About a week later, he gets a package, which he opens to reveal a set of CDs. It’s all the songs by a group called the Royal Guardsmen.)

Me: “What’s this? Who are these guys?”

Husband: “They’re the ones who sing that song.”

(He shows me one of the CDs. Sure enough, there’s “Snoopy’s Christmas” on the list. I’d never known who actually sang the song and, for whatever reason, never investigated the matter. I look to my husband for an explanation.)

Husband: “Now, it can be Christmas whenever you want!”

[florida80]

Only So Many Times You Can Dress Up His Issues

California, home, Rude & Risque, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2017


(My husband is very fond of my breasts, and often has an adverse reaction when I get dressed.)

Me: “Honey, can you give me a hand with my bra?”

Husband: “Oh, all right…”

(He does.)

Husband: “Now you can never claim that I don’t love you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Husband: “I helped you put your boobs away.”

[florida80]

Only So Many Times You Can Dress Up His Issues

California, home, Rude & Risque, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2017


(My husband is very fond of my breasts, and often has an adverse reaction when I get dressed.)

Me: “Honey, can you give me a hand with my bra?”

Husband: “Oh, all right…”

(He does.)

Husband: “Now you can never claim that I don’t love you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Husband: “I helped you put your boobs away.”

[florida80]

Your Girlfriend’s Vision Is Based On Movement

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Kansas, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 23, 2017


(My boyfriend and I are having guests over. I realize I’ve left something in our bedroom, on a high shelf, so I excuse myself to retrieve it, only to find my boyfriend following me.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “I know the item is on a high shelf, so I came to help. You and your stubby arms!”

Me: “You’re just jealous because I’m one step closer to being a T-Rex than you are.”

(My boyfriend stops walking.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, my God… You’re right!”

[florida80]

Christmas In The Amazon

Holidays, home, USA | Romantic | December 22, 2017


(Christmas has already blown through my house. My family has already unwrapped their presents, and my siblings and their children have gone home. My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed after a full day.)

Fiancé: “Hey, I felt bad for not getting you any Christmas presents! So, I ordered some gifts for you off of Amazon. They clearly won’t be here before Christmas, but could you avoid looking in the cart?”

Me: “Aww! That’s so sweet! Of course I won’t; I ADORE surprises!”

(A little while later, I go to check my messages after receiving the wrong item a while ago. I accidentally hit “my orders” instead of “my account” so I see ALL of the presents my fiancé has purchased for me.)

Me: “Wha! [Fiancé], I’m so sorry! I accidentally saw all of my presents!”

Fiancé: “It’s okay—”

Me: “But I wanted them to be a surprise!”

Fiancé: “Did you like them?”

Me: “Yes!”

Fiancé: “Well, I’ll just have to get you more Christmas surprises!”

(My fiancé is so sweet!)

[florida80]

This Relationship Has Gone To The Dogs

Cambridge, Canada, Holidays, home, Ontario | Romantic | December 21, 2017


(I am spending Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family and we are poking fun at each other when we have this little exchange:)

Boyfriend: *cuddling his dog*

Me: *teasing* “I remember when you used to cuddle me like that!”

Boyfriend: “Babe, do you really want me to cuddle you like I cuddle my dog!?”

Me: *over-dramatically* “I just feel so left out!”

Boyfriend: “Fine, you asked for it!” *pulls me into his arms and starts ruffling my hair the same way he ruffles his dog’s fur*

Me: “Agh! Stop, stop, stooooop!”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you said you wanted to be cuddled like my dog.”

Me: “I was kidding.”

Boyfriend: “And I gave you a taste of your own kind!”

(The moment he said that, we both collapsed into laughter, while his mother looked at as like we were aliens.)

[florida80]

This Christmas Gift Is Shaky At Best

Boise, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Holidays, Idaho, USA | Romantic | December 20, 2017


(My boyfriend is an avid skier, so for Christmas I buy him a pass to our local ski area. The pass is just a piece of heavy paper, and rather than just tucking it in a card, I put it in a small box and add a few heavy beads to throw him off when he tries to guess what it is. I go over to his house around the 20th, he opens the door.)

Me: “Merry Christmas!” *hands him the box*

Boyfriend: *takes the box and immediately drops it*

Both: “Oh, no!”

Me: “I’m sure it will be okay.”

(After some socializing I go home. Come Christmas morning, the phone rings.)

Boyfriend: “You are so rotten! I’ve been shaking that box every day since you gave it to me, trying to figure out how broken it was, and if I could fix it before you knew!”

Me: *laughing my head off* “Yeah, it couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it.”

(He loved the ski pass!)

[florida80]

We Are NOT Doing It Doggy Style

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, USA | Romantic | December 20, 2017


(Whenever my boyfriend and I decide to get intimate, we usually make sure that our dog is out of the room. My boyfriend wakes me up and we start getting a little intimate, when I realize the dog is laying in bed staring at us.)

Me: “Do you think you could put him outside? He’s being weird.”

Boyfriend: “He’s fine. It’s not like he cares about what we’re doing.”

(Right on cue, the dog decides to move and lay right beside our heads and make eye contact with my boyfriend. Needless to say, the dog was put outside.)