Trang Sức Khoẻ Của Bạn và Những Câu Chuyện

[florida80]

Story #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) :

Coffee Shop, USA

(This is a small, locally owned coffee shop. A customer comes in with a couple of very energetic children who are excitedly jabbering back and forth to each other in a normal inside voice. The customer, their father and a regular, orders his drinks, pays and goes to wait with them, joining in their silly word game. A minute later another customer comes up to the bar to get their drink.)

Customer: “You need to kick those noisy brats out of here.”
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t kick them out for talking. They’re really not being that loud.”
Customer: “And their father, encouraging his kids to talk in public. Disgraceful. You should ban him for that.”
Me: “Ma’am we don’t ban people for entertaining their kids and we don’t kick kids out for talking in a normal tone of voice.”
Customer: (Yelling at me) “Listen you little b****, I’m the owner’s wife and I’m telling you to ban them right f******* now!”
Me: “I can’t…”
Customer: “Don’t you dare open your f****** mouth to argue with me you b***! I’ll have your a** fired.”

(I flinch at the tirade and find myself unable to respond. At this point the father comes up behind her.)

Father: “[My name], get yourself a drink on me and go on break. I’ll handle this. If your boss says anything just say I’ll explain.”

(He turns to the customer as I nod dumbly and turn to make myself a drink.)

Father: “First of all, you don’t treat other human beings like that. If you had any decency I wouldn’t have to tell you that. Second, my kids are being much better behaved than you are. Third, you weren’t even at the owner’s wedding. I was.”

Customer: (Smugly as if calling a bluff) “If you were at the wedding where were you sitting?”

Father: “I was standing right next to her.”

(The customer keeps smiling smugly for a few seconds before realization hits her like a sledgehammer. Her smile falters then she pales visibly and runs from the store. The owner’s husband covered for me for about 10 minutes while I took a break. When I came back there was a $50 bill in the tip jar. He’d never admit to it, but I suspect he put it in there.)

[florida80]

Story #5 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=5) :

Restaurant, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA

(I work at a grill. We don’t really have a vegetarian menu so this customer ordered a grilled cheese. A minute after I bring out their food she flags me down.)

Vegetarian: “I hate to be a bother but there’s um, something in my sandwich.” She shows me: a spider is stuck in the cheese. I’m freaking out, sure we’re going to have a bunch of unhappy customers.

The guy from the table next to hers tries to lean over and see it. He asks “What’s in it?”‘

Vegetarian: “Some kind of meat. I’m a vegetarian. I really hate to ask but could I please have a new one?”

Me: “Of course, I am so sorry. I’ll get that to you right away.” I rush the plate back to the kitchen and show the chef. He goes red and starts yelling at his staff. My manager runs over and demands to know what’s happening. I tell him.

Manager: “Who else saw? We can’t afford to comp more than three..”

Me: “Just her table. She told the other tables it was meat.”

My manager was so grateful he sent over an entire dessert platter and comped their meal. When I told her table their food free they left a $100 tip.

Best table I’ve ever had!

[florida80]

Story #5:

Restaurant, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA

(I work at a grill. We don’t really have a vegetarian menu so this customer ordered a grilled cheese. A minute after I bring out their food she flags me down.)

Vegetarian: “I hate to be a bother but there’s um, something in my sandwich.” She shows me: a spider is stuck in the cheese. I’m freaking out, sure we’re going to have a bunch of unhappy customers.

The guy from the table next to hers tries to lean over and see it. He asks “What’s in it?”‘

Vegetarian: “Some kind of meat. I’m a vegetarian. I really hate to ask but could I please have a new one?”

Me: “Of course, I am so sorry. I’ll get that to you right away.” I rush the plate back to the kitchen and show the chef. He goes red and starts yelling at his staff. My manager runs over and demands to know what’s happening. I tell him.

Manager: “Who else saw? We can’t afford to comp more than three..”

Me: “Just her table. She told the other tables it was meat.”

My manager was so grateful he sent over an entire dessert platter and comped their meal. When I told her table their food free they left a $100 tip.

Best table I’ve ever had!

[florida80]

Story #6 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=6) :

Beach, Florida, USA

(I go to visit my 24-year-old best friend in Florida, because her boyfriend called me and told me he was going to propose. After he does so, offers her a ring, she takes it, hugs him, and then studies the ring.)

Her; what is this? *points to a small diamond on the band, that is reasonably sized*
Him; it’s a diamond! *grins*
Her; right. That’s a diamond… ha!
Him; babe, that ring cost $500!
Her; that’s not enough!
Him; what?!

She takes off the ring, and throws it into the sand, then stomps off. Her boyfriend looks at me and his friends who are standing with me, avoiding her family’s gaze. We go over to him, as her family follows him, and hug him. We hung out for the rest of my vacation, and my best friend got really angry with him. I ended up telling her to shut the f*** up, and just leave him alone, if she wanted to be such a greedy b****. Her boyfriend broke up with her then, and after a few months, visited me where I live, and we went out on a few dates. It didn’t work out, but we’re still good friends, and he did find a wife who loves her “small, cheap a** ring!” And finds the original proposal both disgusting and hilarious.

[florida80]

Story #7 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=7) :

Fast Food, Virginia, USA

I worked nights during the week and long day shifts on the weekends at a popular burger place, known for their thick burgers. I have been on the clock for two hours when I hear yelling. It’s slow so I had to the back where the manager is yelling at the cooks. It turns out the young fools were bored and decided to play with the hose. They not only broke the sprayer but have torn the hose apart.

Just standing there looking at this fifteen-foot hose, I prayed I wouldn’t need it to clean the bathrooms. The connection to the sprayer was just hanging like a slinky and the sprayer was broken in two. One cook had the hose with the slinky, while the other cook had the handle part of the sprayer in his hand. Both boys were standing there soaked. The back half of the restaurant was soaked. Guess who had to clean up the dry stock and floors, ME. The fools had to clean the kitchen and freezer, it was right next door to where the hook up for the hose was located.

So the night continues, though the two bone heads now try to joke with me about cleaning the bathrooms, which I am dreading. I check the bathrooms. Woman’s is good, just some wiping down and sweeping but the men’s. There is one stall in there… just one… the rest is urinals. Will at some point a cherry bomb or a firecracker had been put in the toilet when it was full of SHIT. I just could not see someone pooping all over that stall because the ceiling and top part was also covered. This stall was ceiling to floor enclosed so a very small space with poop on every surface. Plus it was the farthest room from the front. I really needed that hose. Oh did I forget to say it was all dry and smelled.

No one complained about it and I had no clue when it happened. So I turned around walked right past the fools, who were snickering and right to the manager. I just told her to check out the men’s. She looked at me then the fools and went to see why I was near tears. I really was because I had no clue how to clean it or if I had time. Before she even returned I decided I wasn’t going to. The fools were back joking me and saying how I would be here all night. When did they learn I can’t say I just had a sinking feeling they had a hand in it.

My manager that night was the best, also she was pregnant. When she came back she was pissed. I mean fuming. She just watched them act a fool as she reached over to grab the buckets and brushes we kept near the hose before whistling.

“Since you think it is so funny, why don’t you go look yourself!” She said to them very calmly. They turned toward the kitchen to get back to work only for her to step in their paths. “Oh no. Since you boys broke the hose you are cleaning the men’s bathroom. Like you told (my name) it will take all night.” At that she thrusted the buckets and brushes into their hands and escorted them to the men’s. Her last parting words before turning the corner, “Start with the ceiling as that shit is going to be the hardest place to clean!”

I couldn’t believe what was happening. The cooks never cleaned the bathrooms because they had to stay with the food. As will as the cross contamination that could occur.

That night I learned how to make food and that my manager was a firm believer in Karma. They stayed in the bathrooms for the rest of the night. As I was leaving they were outside the men’s gagging and one of them had a streak down his back. His friend was trying to wipe it off with toilet paper. It was hilarious.

They never joked me about cleaning or ever touched the hose again. I stayed for another few years before I found a better job.

[florida80]

Story #8 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=8) :

Call Center, Oregon, USA

(I work in a call center in the comments/suggestions department. This is my first call of the day.)

Me:  (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=8) 220;Thank you for calling [company] comments and suggestions, this is [my name] speaking, how can I be of service today? (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=8) 221;

Customer:  (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=8) 220;Hi, [my name], I want to start by telling you that I am in an extremely bad mood and that I realize that this is not your fault personally; I am just mad at [company], so if I am rude or aggressive in any way, I apologize. (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=8) 221;

(The customer was actually the nicest call I had all day. I took down her complaint and flagged it as priority so that somebody would get to it quickly because she tried very hard not to yell at me for the company (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=8) 217;s mistakes

[florida80]

Story #9 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=9) :

Grocery Store, Florida, USA

[Several months back we started selling Star Wars themed Jell-O molds and very few of them sold, so our manager gave them to us cashiers to give away to customers. A few hours had gone by and I had quite honestly forgotten about them when a woman walked up to my register with her son, who started looking at the coloring books we have on display and I notice him looking at a Star Wars one.]

Me: (leans in a bit close, lowering my voice) Does your son like Star Wars?
Woman: Oh my gosh you have no idea! I asked if he wanted to go to the water park today and he said he’d rather sit at home and read the books I got him!

[I then mention the molds and ask if she would like one for him, and she immediately accepts.

Woman: Hey, [boy’s name], this nice lady has something for you! Like a present!
Boy: (puts down the book and walks over) But mom it’s not my birthday!

[I quickly finish the transaction and excuse myself to grab the mold from the register where they were stored. I return with it behind my back and crouch down a bit so I’m closer to his height.]

Me: So, your mom told me you like Star Wars?
Boy: (smiles and nods) Yeah, I love it!
Me: (pulls the mold out from behind my back and hands it to him) This is for you!

[The boy’s eyes lit up as he looked at the characters and he got the biggest grin on his face. He gave me the most sincere ‘Thank you!’ I have ever heard in my life and skipped off with his mom. I’m still grinning about it.]

[florida80]

Story #10 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=10) :

Clothing Store, France

(We’re in year 2000 or close. As a teenager, I’m slim and “nicely built” (or so I heard), yet I am VERY modest, especially on the chest area, and my family know it and respect it. I don’t mind girls who wear low-cut clothes, I think it’s really great if they enjoy it and I HATE slut-shaming, yet I’d rather get slapped or punched than showing the slightest part of my “parts”. Up to now most girls and women used to wear swimmer one-pieces on the beach, and I loved it. However, bikinis are coming back into fashion and my mom wants to buy me one of those. I accept, thinking she’ll find me a modestly cut two-pieces or anything that’ll cover everything I want to cover. She makes me try a dozen bikinis on. All of them are too low-cut for my tastes, and the shop assistant (he’s male) is staring.)

Me: “Mom, I don’t feel good in any of those.”

Shop assistant: “Are you sure? Because you look great in ALL of those!”

Me: “I don’t feel good. I’d like to try something more modest, please.”

(The shop assistant comes back with a swimsuit that is even more low-cut than the previous one. I’m running out of patience).

Me: “I’d like to try a one-piece on!”

Mom: “But you look so much better in a bikini!

Me: “Mom, EVERYONE looks good in one-pieces! They hide all the flaws!”

Shop assistant: “Which flaws? Your mom’s right, you have a bikini body!”

Me: “It’s MY body and I want to try a one-piece. I just prefer stuff I can swim with without ever losing the straps.”

Mom: “Try this one on before.”

(I try it. It’s still too low-cut for my tastes.)

Me: “I’d prefer a one-piece.”

Shop assistant: “One-pieces are for grandmothers. Is that what you want to do, looking like a granny? That would be a waste!”

Me: “I’d like something that’s not THAT low-cut, please.”

Shop assistant: “Why? You have beautiful breasts.”

(He’s staring at my cleavage and I’m just a girl. I feel dirty. To all shop assistants who read this, if a customer ever tells you she wants something more modest, just give her something more modest. Don’t make her try sexy things on “for her own good” if she doesn’t want to, especially if she’s a teenager. Prude-shaming is just as wrong as slut-shaming.)

[florida80]

Women Are From Venus…

California, College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting, Students, USA | Romantic | April 9, 2019


(When I teach, I like to use interesting and practical examples whenever I can to keep the students engaged. We’re doing an essay on problem-solving, so I decide to show “The Martian” in class to study the character’s problem-solving skills. [Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] has been subtly flirting with [Student #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] all semester to no avail.)

Me: “All right, guys, make sure you’re taking notes about what problems you see and what the character does to solve them.”

Student #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I can’t wait! I loved the book so much!”

Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *[trying to impress [Student #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ]* “Uh, yeah! I did, too!”

Student #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Really? I didn’t think you liked to read.”

Student #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : *fake scoff* “I said I don’t like fiction, but this is based off of a true story.”

Me: “…”

(Needless to say, that romance went nowhere.)

[florida80]

It’s Always An Abandoned Warehouse

Bizarre, Phone, Revolting, Spouses & Partners, USA, Utah | Romantic | April 8, 2019


(My spouse works delivering and picking up medical supplies from individuals, usually homes. I call him most days to tell him how my day is going and what the baby is up to and to talk to him about how his day is going.)

Spouse: “The GPS says it’s this dilapidated old building.”

Me: “That’s weird.”

Spouse: “It’s a taxidermist.”

Me: “Now you’re just making things up.”

Spouse: “No, it really is! Maybe they work here. I’m going to go knock.”

Me: “I’m never going to see you again. A gang of kids and a Great Dane are going to have to solve the mystery of your disappearance.”

Spouse: “I’ll be right back.”

(He calls me back a few minutes later.)

Me: “You survived?”

Spouse: “It was abandoned. There was a dead bird in the window.”

Me: “Oh, well, oka— Of course there was a dead bird in the window! It’s a taxidermist, not a pet shop!”

Spouse: “No, I mean a real dead bird!”

Me: *laughing*

[florida80]

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

Arizona, Bizarre, Harassment, Public Transport, Strangers, Tempe, USA | Romantic | April 7, 2019


(Parking around the university is scarce and expensive, but there is a train that stops on campus that has free parking lots farther away. After a long day of classes, I head home. I have a really heavy backpack, so I’m relieved to see there is one seat left. As it takes a few minutes to get to my stop, I pull out a book to try and squeeze in a few more pages. Almost as soon as I sit down, the guy sitting in the window seat next to me is suddenly looking very squirrely, and turns in his seat towards me.)

Guy: “Um, uhh…”

Me: “Oh, is this your stop?” *preparing to stand up and let him out*

Guy: “NO! Don’t get up! Uh, I mean, you’re fine.”

Me: “Oh, all right, then.” *looks back down at my book*

Guy: “Um, hey, whatcha reading?”

Me: *after briefly explaining the synopsis* “If you like science fiction, it’s a really good one so far. I can’t put it down.”

(The guy just gives me a blank look and grunts, so I just smile and return to reading. I don’t even make it through another sentence before he pipes up again.)

Guy: “You’re really pretty.”

(I chuckle uncomfortably.)

Guy: “And you chose to sit next to me, out of all the other seats you could have taken… I can’t believe this is happening to me. I finally have a girlfriend!”

(Thankfully, just then, my stop is coming up, so I snatch up my backpack and quickly get up.)

Me: “Er, there actually weren’t any other seats… Anyway, have a nice day.”

(The guy, who up until now has been very soft-spoken, is suddenly so loud that it startles the other passengers.)

Guy: “Oh. OH. OH, so you’re just leaving, then?!”

Me: “Well, this is where I left my car, so… yeah.”

Guy: *overly sarcastic tone* “WHATEVER. I see how it is. You’re just like every other c*** looking for a free hand out, expecting guys to just give you seats because of your rack.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that seat belongs to the city. And I bought a ticket.”

(The guy opened his mouth to say something else, but the doors opened and I got out. As I walked towards the car park he stared at me out the window, glaring daggers and mouthing words, oblivious to the other passengers all turning in their seats at this spectacle. I was pretty nervous about running into him on the train again since I caught the same one every day, but luckily I never did. He probably thinks he’s a nice guy, not the reason why those red panic buttons are installed.)

[florida80]

Date And Dash

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fast Food, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 4, 2019


(My boyfriend and I frequent a 24-hour, diner-style restaurant. Since we usually go late at night, we get to know one of the waitresses. One day, my boyfriend seems to just be jumping with energy. As we’re going to the register to pay, he suddenly runs out the door to the car. The waitress stares at the door for a minute.)

Waitress: “Is he all right?”

Me: “Yeah. He thinks he’s being funny by pretending to dine and dash.”

Waitress: *after a pause* “All right.”

Me: “Yeah. At least we have a joint account

[florida80]

When Lesbians Get Shirty

home, LGBTQ, Minnesota, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 1, 2019


(My wife and I are both women.)

Me: “That shirt makes you look like a lesbian.”

Wife: “I mean, I married you, so… mission accomplished?”

(I laugh and go to finish getting ready. Suddenly, it hits me.)

Me: “Wait a second… That’s my shirt!”

Wife: *hysterical laughter*

[florida80]

Have Some Selfie-Respect

Bizarre, Dating, Extra Stupid, Jerk, Online, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | March 31, 2019


(I met this guy on a dating app, and we have been texting for a few days. I have several tattoos and he has asked to see pics — no big deal. I take some pics of the tats on my ankle and wrist and send them to him.)

Guy: “Who else is with you?”

Me: “Huh? I’m alone. Why?”

Guy: “No, seriously. Why is there another guy there taking pics of you?”

Me: “I just used the camera on my phone; it only needs one hand to take a pic.”

Guy: “No, someone else is there and you are lying to me. It’s not possible to take a pic of your right wrist with your left hand.”

Me: “Okay, you caught me. My house is haunted and the ghost was taking the pics.”

Guy: “I knew it. You lied about being alone. I can’t trust you.”

(Glad I dodged that bullet!)

[florida80]

That Poor Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cleveland, Jerk, Museum, Ohio, USA | Romantic | March 29, 2019


(My museum is hosting an event with representatives from several organizations given tables to talk with guests about their services. My male, married coworker is assigned to help one of the tables and is talking to a young lady running her organization’s activities.)

Coworker: “All right, looks like everything is ready. If you need anything else, let me know.”

Lady: “I have a boyfriend.”

Coworker: “Good for you? Let me know if you need… water or something.”

[florida80]

Shirtless Rock Stars Will Have Them In Fits

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Health & Body, High School, Silly, Texas, USA | Romantic | March 28, 2019


(I have had epilepsy since I was eight, and therefore can not go to any band concerts due to the flashing and strobe lights. There was a Panic! At The Disco concert recently and my boyfriend went without me. The next day he shows me the pictures. Lead singer Brendon Urie took his shirt off during the concert. This is how the conversation goes.)

Me: “I hate not being able to go. I’ve been wanting to go forever.”

Boyfriend: “Sorry, love. We can go next time. Just don’t pay attention.”

(I stop him and look him directly in the eye.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], Brendon Urie took his shirt off. I’m going to pay attention.”

(Cue my best friend, boyfriend, and sister cracking up laughing.)



1 Thumbs


326

VOTES


Share on Facebook

Share on Twitter

Share on Reddit






34

[florida80]

Won’t Be Ringing Him Up

Amsterdam, Great Stuff, Jerk, Love/Romance, Money, Non-Dialogue, Retail, The Netherlands | Romantic | March 25, 2019


I worked in a jewelry shop and it was close to Valentine’s Day. A lot of men came in to buy some jewelry for the occasion, and we had some strange requests, but there’s one man that I’ll never forget.

He came in and wanted to see some diamond rings to give to “the love of his life.” I didn’t think too much of it since he was wearing Armani clothes and had a Rolex watch and some expensive rings on his fingers. He finally decided on one ring, but when I told him that that would cost 1250 Euros, he was shocked and wanted to see some cheaper rings.

So, I presented him some rings in the 500-Euro range. No, too expensive, but he wanted the best for the love of his life. Okay, some rings in the 250-Euro range? No, too expensive for the love of his life. 100 Euros? No, too expensive. Twenty minutes later, he still couldn’t decide on some cheap rings for the love of his life.

Finally, a customer next in line who saw it all happen came up with this: “Hey, Buster, why don’t you head to [Big DIY Store] and buy a copper curtain ring? The last time I was there, they were 25 cents each. Should be just about right for the love of your life. Or you could buy her an angle grinder; they’re on sale now.”

While I saw some customers grin and smirk, other customers in the shop laughed out loud. The rich guy turned red and sneaked out of the store. Of course, I gave the customer who spoke up a discount for chasing that cheapskate out of the store.

I guess you only become rich by not spending any money. Not even on “the love of your life.”

[florida80]

Conditioned Against Conditioner

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Silly, Vancouver | Romantic | March 24, 2019


(My boyfriend has very curly hair and isn’t a fan of haircuts, so his hair has a tendency to puff up into an afro-like style around his head. He hasn’t cut it in over a year and we’ve just moved in together.)

Me: *squinting at his hair* “Have you been using my conditioner?”

Boyfriend: “Um… Maybe. How did you know?”

Me: “Your hair isn’t as frizzy. It’s hanging down more than sticking up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Is that what it’s for?”

Me: “You know how you like to play with my hair because it’s all soft and shiny? That’s how I keep it that way. You really didn’t know what conditioner is for?”

Boyfriend: “I have two brothers and my parents are hippies. It wasn’t really a thing in my house growing up.”

Me: “So, why did you decide to put it on your head if you didn’t know what it was?”

Boyfriend: “I was taking a shower and I got bored

[florida80]

Conditioned Against Conditioner

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, British Columbia, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Silly, Vancouver | Romantic | March 24, 2019


(My boyfriend has very curly hair and isn’t a fan of haircuts, so his hair has a tendency to puff up into an afro-like style around his head. He hasn’t cut it in over a year and we’ve just moved in together.)

Me: *squinting at his hair* “Have you been using my conditioner?”

Boyfriend: “Um… Maybe. How did you know?”

Me: “Your hair isn’t as frizzy. It’s hanging down more than sticking up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Is that what it’s for?”

Me: “You know how you like to play with my hair because it’s all soft and shiny? That’s how I keep it that way. You really didn’t know what conditioner is for?”

Boyfriend: “I have two brothers and my parents are hippies. It wasn’t really a thing in my house growing up.”

Me: “So, why did you decide to put it on your head if you didn’t know what it was?”

Boyfriend: “I was taking a shower and I got bored.”

[florida80]

Save The Date!

Movie Theater, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 22, 2019


(My husband and I are standing in line to get snacks at a movie theater, talking while we wait. I respond to something he says in a way that’s snarky and fake-insulting, as that’s how I express my affection most of the time, and he usually volleys it right back.)

Husband: “You are ruining date night.”

Me: *gasps* “This is a date?!”

Husband: “Yes, this is date night and you’re ruining it.”

Me: “Do… do you like me?”

Husband: “…”

Me: “Do you like me like me?!”

Husband: “I’m not sure where you find divorce papers, but you’re making me really tempted to find out.”

Me: “Now who’s ruining date night?”

[florida80]

What Kind Of Mutant Platypus Has He Been Seeing?!

Extra Stupid, Gift Shop, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 20, 2019


(I observe this couple in a gift shop.)

Wife: *picks up a realistic stuffed narwhal toy* “Aww, honey, look at this!”

Husband: “What is that?! Is that, like, one of them platypuses?”

Wife: “No, it’s a narwhal!”

Husband: “A what?”

Wife: “A narwhal. It’s a whale with a horn that lives in the Arctic.”

Husband: “And… it’s real?”

Wife: “Yes, it’s real! Have you seriously never heard of a narwhal?!”

Husband: “Never. That thing looks like a f****** unicorn-manatee or something!”

(I’m not sure what’s stranger — that this guy had never heard of a narwhal, or that he had apparently heard of a platypus but thinks it looks like a whale!)

[florida80]

What A βλάκας

Extra Stupid, home, Language & Words, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | March 15, 2019


(In this story, I am sitting downstairs with my husband and our roommate. I am on our roommate’s laptop doing a search for them as they are terrible about finding things online. My husband is playing a game on his phone while I do this.)

Husband: “There are these two other players in the game who always talk to each other in this other language. I don’t know if it is Russian or Hebrew. You’re good at that sort of thing; take a look.”

(I am currently only fluent in English, but I am learning Swedish on a language app. I can usually tell which language something is in, although there are times where I can’t. I go over to look at the phone, he shows me, and I take a quick look and go back to what I was doing.)

Me: “That looks like it is either Greek or Russian. I didn’t get a good look at it.”

Husband: “Probably Russian, then; nobody speaks Greek nowadays since it is a dead language.”

Me: *looks back up and gives him a strange look* “I think you are confusing that with Latin.”

Husband: *shrugs* “I know Latin is, but I am pretty sure Greek is a dead language, too.”

Me: *looks back and forth between him and the laptop I am currently on* “No, there are still people in the world who speak Greek.”

Husband: “Not that many, though.”

(I just stared at him for a few seconds and then dropped the subject to continue what I was doing, but internally I was shaking my head. I looked it up the next day; Greek is spoken by about 13 million people.)

[florida80]

Don’t Lick It Or You’ll Have Bad Breath Of The Wild

Games, home, Missouri, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Springfield, USA | Romantic | March 11, 2019


(Conversations like this are the normal thing in my household.)

Me: “Hmm… So, I am thinking about being dumb.”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Because Nintendo Switch cartridges are so tiny, Nintendo has them coated in a non-toxic substance that tastes horrible to prevent them from being swallowed by little kids.”

Husband: “Oh, no.”

Me: “And Breath of the Wild is the only cartridge I have, but I’m tempted to pop it out and lick it just to see if it is true.”

Husband: *monotone* “That would be dumb, honey.”

[florida80]

If The Cap Fits…

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | March 10, 2019


(My husband and I have recently watched a B-list movie with an actor who repeatedly says, “I’m gonna pop a cap in your a**,” to the point that we have jokingly quoted it on random occasions. I walk in from work one day after a long, stressful day and corner him.)

Me: “I’m going to pop a kiss on your lips.”

Husband: “I definitely like that over the alternative.”

[florida80]

Can’t Finnish What She Started

Canada, Flirting, Medical Office, Ontario, Silly, Toronto | Right Romantic | March 7, 2019


(I work with an EMS group and we are taking people’s blood pressure for free. I am taking an older woman’s blood pressure. I am a young, white, blonde, blue-eyed guy.)

Woman: “Are you finished?”

Me: “No, I just started.”

Woman: “No, no. Are you Finnish? My granddaughter is Finnish—“ *points to her beautiful, blonde granddaughter* “—and she is single.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I’m married.”

Customer Next To Me: “I’m Finnish!”

(I bet you $5 he wasn’t.)

[florida80]

That’s The Pay To Do It

Flirting, home, Illinois, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 7, 2019


(My husband and I are in the bedroom. He’s very tired but he’s playing with our eleven-month-old baby on our bed so I can fold and put away the laundry. As I pull a shirt out of the basket, I see a dollar bill which I gleefully wave around.)

Me: “I just got paid!”

Husband: *sleepily* “Good, now go buy yourself something nice.”

Me: *in a pretend pout* “You’re supposed to stick that into my bra when you say that!”

[florida80]

You’re The Apple Of My Die

British Columbia, Canada, Great Stuff, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 4, 2019


(We live in a small town surrounded by a whole lot of forest. One day my husband comes home from the store and I start to put the shopping away.)

Me: “You know your husband is trying to kill you when he buys you apple-scented shampoo in bear season

[florida80]

Try Not To Do That, Deer

Car, Montana, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 1, 2019


(My husband and I make arrangements to buy a used SUV to replace our current one. We’re driving home in the current vehicle, with an appointment to switch vehicles the next weekend.)

Husband: “So, we’re done with the paperwork for the [new SUV]. What happens if we wreck this SUV in the meantime?”

Me: “Well, we’re still insured for this one. We’d have to report to [Insurance Company] and do the deductible and so forth. Big pain, but I’m sure it happens.”

Husband: “We’ll try really hard not to do that.”

(Less than two miles later, my husband spots three deer by the side of the road, and watches them. I’m looking straight ahead and I see the fourth deer — literally a deer in the headlights — in the middle of the road.)

Me: “Watch out! Deer in the road!”

(My husband brakes like mad and swerves around the deer, muttering various expletives. We miss the deer, which finally moves across and off the road.)

Husband: “What did we just say about trying hard not to do

[florida80]

They Cardly Notice Each Other Anymore

Florida, Holidays, Ignoring & Inattentive, Office, Spouses & Partners, Tampa, USA | Romantic | February 27, 2019


(My husband typically works the day shift at his employer. Two weeks ago, the company got a new contract for a job that requires work be done during the night shift, and my husband, being one of the newer employees, is chosen for the job. Instead of working from six am to six pm, he’s now working from six pm to six am and sleeping during the day while I’m away at work. Unfortunately, this means our original plans for Valentine’s Day are ruined, and while we’re sad about it, we decide to celebrate on a later date. Still wanting to do something, I buy a card for him and place it underneath his phone before I leave for work on Valentine’s Day, hoping he’ll see it when he wakes up. Around noon, I get a phone call from him.)

Husband: “Happy Valentine’s Day. I just wanted to let you know I’m heading into work early today. The new guy broke one of the machines, so I’m going to see if I can fix it before calling in the tech. Good news is that since I’ll be there at one this afternoon, I can leave around midnight rather than stay until six, so I can catch up on sleep. Did you see the card I left you?”

Me: “Umm… What card?”

Husband: “Seriously? I left it right by your purse so you’d see it before you left for work.”

Me: *chuckling* “I’m really sorry. I’ll look for it when I get home. Speaking of which, did you see the card I left you?”

Husband: “Uh…”

Me: “Are you kidding me right now? I left it underneath your phone!”

Husband: *chuckling* “I don’t know what to say. I really don’t.”

Me: “Sheesh. We really belong together, don’t we?”

Husband: “Or we’re just both unobservant.”

Me: “You know what? Don’t ruin the moment on Valentine’s Day.”

(Sure enough, I found his card in the same spot where I left it, and my card was next to where my purse was sitting.)

[florida80]

Taking Some Terror-Of-The-Nyquil

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, USA | Romantic | February 26, 2019


(My girlfriend and I are in bed. I’ve been having bad insomnia, so I get some sleeping medicine to try to help. I’ve never taken it before, so I don’t know how I will react. This is what happens, according to my girlfriend. I roll over with my eyes barely open and speak to her.)

Me: “They walk among us, but we can’t see them.”

Girlfriend: “Who’s ‘they’?”

Me: “I… I don’t know. They can be shadows or have writhing tentacles that they take people with and eat them. They can take the form of a black dog or a raven.”

(I have no memory of this, but my girlfriend was — rightfully so — pretty scared to go back to sleep!)

[florida80]

Microchip Micro-Aggressions

Car, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wyoming | Romantic | February 25, 2019


(My husband and I have just dropped off our kitten to get spayed and microchipped. It’s important to note that we have other dogs and cats, and my dad is a narcissist who tried breaking us up several years ago.)

Me: “Let’s get the Bengals microchipped when we get their next shots.”

Husband: “Deal. Do they mark the ear to show they’re microchipped?”

Me: “I don’t know. I know dogs get tags.” *pauses and glances at my husband* “I wonder if they microchip husbands.”

Husband: *laughs* “Man found on side of road, bump on head. Doctors say his last memory was telling wife that father-in-law was right all along.”

Me: “Yep, that’d do it!”

[florida80]

Time To Sitz Down

home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 23, 2019


(My husband uses a sitz bath. I am in the bathroom and the thing keeps falling over, so I’m grumbling at it. This happens when I come back out to the living room.)

Husband: “What were you grumbling about?”

Me: “Your stupid thing kept falling over.”

Husband: “That’s what you were complaining about?”

Me: *opening the door to go upstairs* “The thing for the pain in the a** was being a pain in the a**.” *closes the door and then realizes what I said before opening it again* “I was talking about the sitz bath, not you.”

[florida80]

It’s Women That Drive The Relationship

Australia, Bigotry, Car, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | February 20, 2019


(My husband and myself are driving along a dirt road when I notice an odd noise.)

Me: “There’s an odd noise on my side of the car; it’s like something is scraping.”

Husband: “I can’t hear a thing.”

Me: “It’s coming from the passenger side front wheel and it gets louder when you use the brakes.”

Husband: “We are on a dirt road; how would you hear anything? Just your imagination.”

(He won’t listen to me when I keep complaining about the noise for the next couple of weeks; he still can’t hear a thing. We need to get a registration inspection and tune-up done; we always get a mobile mechanic to come to our home.)

Mechanic: “Okay, I just need to duck off and get some new spark plugs. Is there anything else you can think of that might need doing?”

Me: “There’s a noise in the front passenger side wheel.”

Mechanic: “I just took it for a drive and didn’t hear a thing.”

Me: “I keep hearing a scrape coming from there; I think it’s the brakes.”

Mechanic: “Okay, your brakes are well within specifications–” *shows me the printout from the test he performed* “–but if it makes you happy, I’ll take a quick look at them.” *takes the wheel off to examine the pads and disks.* “Oh, my God! You were right about the brakes; the brake pad is so worn that it’s almost metal on metal. How on earth did you hear that?”

(He completes the service and I pay the bill.)

Mechanic: “Oh, if your husband says anything about the extra charge for the brakes, tell him I think his wife has bloody good hearing and that she probably saved his life, because those brakes wouldn’t have lasted a month. I’ll leave you the old pads to prove it.”

(My husband still won’t believe me and tells me that the mechanic was just humouring me because I am a woman and got extra money for nothing. My dad turns up, and my husband shows him the brake pads.)

Husband: “What do you think of these?”

Dad: *gasps* “I’ve never seen such badly worn pads in my life! You’re lucky, because I don’t think they would have lasted two more weeks.”

(That finally shut him up, but it had to come from a man because women don’t know anything about cars.)

[florida80]

Tongs Of Joy

home, Montana, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 17, 2019


(Earlier in the day I watched a popular de-cluttering television show. Now, I am attempting to cook in my mother-in-law’s kitchen and failing miserably because I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Arrrgh!”

Husband: “Hun? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mom has so much junk in these drawers that I can’t even open them!”

Husband: “I know, and you know, she blames it on the grandkids!”

Me: “Seriously?! Who needs this many sets of tongs?!”

Husband: “Yeah…”

Me: “That’s it. I’m going to sit your mom down and make her hold each pair of tongs and tell me which ones bring her joy!”

[florida80]

A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Diet Go Down

Engaged, Food & Drink, Health & Body, home, USA |
Romantic | February 16, 2019

(I am trying to lose a bit of weight before my wedding, but I tend to have somewhat poor impulse control, foodwise. My fiancé knows this, as I have asked for his help to keep me on track. I am at his mother’s house for lunch one day, and I see that she has made brownies for us. Trying to be good, I cut a piece in half and offer one piece to my fiancé.)

Fiancé: “I was going to have a whole piece, actually.”

Me: “Oh, okay.” *picks up the second half along with my half*

Fiancé: “But if it will help you stay on track…” *takes his half back*

Me: *disappointed* “Oh… But you wanted more!”

Fiancé: “Yes, but I also want to help you with this! You did ask me to, you know.”

Me: “Yes… but I didn’t want you to actually do it!”

Fiancé: “Um…”

Me: “Yeah, you know, I want you to help me by supporting me letting me do whatever I want!”

(I ended up with only the half brownie.)

[florida80]

When She Gives You The Look Of Death

Great Stuff, home, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 15, 2019


(After a brief bit of, um, intimate groping, I make the following remark to my wife:)

Me: “I think that should go on your tombstone someday: ‘more fun in her pants.'”

Wife: *thinks a bit* “You know, I’m not at all ready for you to die, but I am now hoping you go first.”

[florida80]

Sleepwalking Away From This Relationship

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, France, home | Romantic | February 14, 2019


(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)

[florida80]

That’s So Corny(flakes)

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 13, 2019


(I am getting myself and my baby dressed for the day when my husband runs into the bedroom and throws a cereal box on our bed.)

Husband: “There! Now you can say I gave you breakfast in bed.” *runs out*

Me: *speechless*

[florida80]

A Breakdown Evens Out A Breakup

Awesome Workers, England, Fights/Breakups, Retail, UK | Romantic | February 12, 2019


(I am a cashier at a drugstore, trying to get through my last year of university, when I see a girl in the same uni hoodie as mine enter the store. She seems to be around 18 or 19 and is holding an aftershave that usually costs around £40.)

Girl: *in tears* “I’m so sorry. I bought this a couple of weeks ago and I want to return it. I know I might not be able to because it’s opened, but is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Er… My manager is just over there; I’ll grab her. Is everything… okay?”

Girl: “No, I’m sorry. My boyfriend is at [Distant Uni], and I bought some of his aftershave so I could make his hoodies smell of him — I know that sounds strange — and he broke up with me last week, and I can’t bear to smell this stupid f****** smell anymore, but there’s loads left, and I don’t want to waste my money…“ *breaks down again*

Me: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry about that. This is my manager; could you explain that to her?”

Manager: “I heard, honey, and I’m so sorry. Give me a second and I’ll see what I can do.”

(There are a few seconds while my manager tries to refund it.)

Manager: “Sweetheart, I have some good news: I can refund you even though it’s opened.”

Girl: “Thank you so much. Do you want me to just… I mean… Should I…”

Manager: “I’ll take it from you, honey. Do you want cash?”

Girl: “C-Cash is fine, it’s okay. Thank you.”

Manager: “While you’re here, sweetheart, get some chocolate or ice cream or anything you need, on me. I got divorced last year and I needed all the chocolate I could get!”

(The girl declined, but she came in a week later with a box of chocolates and a thank-you card each for me and my manager. In my card was a phone number. Ten years after that, we’ve been married for five years, and we have a baby daughter.)

[florida80]

That Kind Of Thinking Got You Pregnant In The First Place

Austin, Health & Body, home, Love/Romance, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2019


(I’m six months pregnant and don’t have many maternity clothes, so I throw on a dress and tights before going to work.)

Husband: “You look really nice today.”

Me: “I ran out of pants that fit.”

Husband: “You’re carrying our child. You are the hottest woman in the world, even more so without pants.”

[florida80]

You’re So Hot

Canada, Flirting, home, Saskatchewan, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 10, 2019


(My husband is getting ready to go to work, which he really doesn’t want to do.)

Me: “You have to start the car to let it heat up; it’s cold outside”

(He gets an evil grin on his face, walks up to me, and grabs my boob, turning his hand a little.)

Me: “What do you think you are doing?”

Husband: “Starting the car, but it’s not working. OH!” *while still holding my boob, he moves behind me and stands so his front is touching my backside* “Maybe I have to put the key in.”

Me: “Out! Go start the car!”

(He opens up his mouth to say something, but before he does I specify:)

Me: “The Malibu!”

Husband: “But you are my Malibu Barbie.”

(Laughing, he runs out of the house to start the car. A couple of minutes later, he is back inside and asks where his mitts are; I borrowed them to shovel some snow.)

Me: *handing them to him* “Sorry, they are still wet. At work, you should put them by a heater or something so they dry properly.”

(Again, he gets that evil smile and walks up to me, placing a mitt on each shoulder. I just look at him.)

Husband: “They will be dry in no time now.”

Me: *oblivious* “What do you mean?”

Husband: “You said to put them by something hot!”

(He is the weirdest romantic you will ever meet, but he’s mine.)

[florida80]

These Dreams Just Don’t Add Up

home, Husband/Wife, Math & Science, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 9, 2019


(My husband is absolutely not a morning person, rarely wakes to his alarms, and often talks quite clearly in his sleep. This conversation occurs when I try to wake him, after several other attempts, around 5:30 am. I have about an hour drive to work and we share one car, which he needs to use during my shift this day. Also — he absolutely hates math.)

Me: “[Husband], it’s time to get up. I’ve got to leave for work soon.”

Husband: “Okay. I’m awake.”

Me: “If you’re actually awake, you need to get out of bed.”

Husband: “I’m awake. Just a minute. We need to do math.”

Me: “…Math?”

Husband: “Yeah….”

(I leave him for a bit to make some coffee, then return to him snoring and try again.)

Me: “[Husband], are you going to wake up or just stay in bed doing math?”

Husband: *snapping awake* “Why the f*** would I do math?”

[florida80]

Driving To The Only Reasonable Conclusion

home, Husband/Wife, New York, USA | Romantic | February 8, 2019


(For about six months after an accident, my husband and I have one car, forcing a lot of coordination between our schedules. For the most part, this is fine because we both work from home, most of our outings are with mutual friends, and we usually go grocery shopping together anyway. One night, he is crawling in bed when this conversation occurs:)

Me: “How’s your project going?”

Husband: “I need to go to the hardware store tomorrow to finish it.”

Me: “Okay. Just remember, I need the car at 3:00 for a doctor’s appointment.”

Husband: “Okay. I’ll just go in the morning, then.”

(The next morning, he’s working on his project in the basement. I ask when he wants to go to the hardware store and he shrugs. I go back to my work, thinking he’ll come up shortly. Around 2:00 I hear him coming up the stairs.)

Husband: “Okay. I’m gonna get my shower and then head to the hardware store. Do you need anything?”

Me: “Uh… the car?”

Husband: “What? Why? I told you I need to go to the hardware store today. What are you doing?”

Me: “Going to the doctor.”

Husband: “Since when?”

Me: “Since I set the appointment six months ago. It’s a checkup.”

Husband: “You never told me about this! Now I have to wait longer?”

Me: “Or you could have gone this morning, like you said you would last night, or you can come along and take the car while I’m at the doctor’s office and pick me up after.”

Husband: “They’re not in the same part of town. That’s not— This is ridiculous.”

Me: *deadpan* “Yes. Yes, it is. If only we had already talked about this at a previous time, like last night getting into bed.”

Husband: “Well, I— Oh. We did.”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Husband: “And I forgot.”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Husband: “So, I guess I’ll drive you?”

Me: *kisses him on the cheek* “Thank you, darling.”

[florida80]

A Very Direct Message

Harassment, home, Online, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2019


(A man I don’t know sends me a direct message on Facebook:)

Man: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: “I’m all right. Do I know you?”

Man: “No, but you could.”

Me: “Do we have mutual friends?”

Man: “Don’t think so.”

Me: “Did you see me at work or something?”

Man: “Wish I did!”

Me: “How did you come across my profile?”

Man: “Just looking for cuties. So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’m actually pretty boring.”

Man: A beauty like you? No way.”

Me: “Yeah. Pretty boring.”

Man: “You got a picture?”

Me: “Don’t you know what I look like?”

Man: “I’d like to know more.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Man: “I’ll trade you.”

Me: “No.”

Man: “I’m not ashamed.”

Me: “I’m not available.”

Man: “Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I don’t involve myself with d***wads.”

Man: “Well, I don’t involve myself with ugly f****** c***s like you.”

Me: “Then I guess we’re done here.”

Man: “Your p**** probably stinks.”

Me: “I guess you’ll never know.”

Man: “You’d be lucky to swallow my c*m.”

Me: “Your mother should have swallowed you.”

Man: “F*** YOU!”

Me: “Apparently, you’re not. Have a nice life!”

(I blocked him immediately.)

[florida80]

It’s Obviously The Girls’ Fault For Having Legs

Harassment, Non-Dialogue, School Bus, USA | Romantic | February 6, 2019


There was a boy on my school bus who was at least four years older than me. He always gave me the creeps and I hated seeing him in the bus window every day. Whenever any girl boarded the bus, he would scoot to the edge of the seat and put his hand out. The aisles weren’t wide so more often than not, he would brush their legs as they passed. Of course, the bus driver never saw it because of the girls’ legs blocking her view, so there was nothing she could do but to tell the boy to keep his hands to himself again and again.

My younger sister was in first grade when she started riding the bus with me; I was about ten years old at the time. She never wanted to board first because she didn’t want the boy to touch her. I always walked through first, putting my backpack between my legs and his arm. She scurried behind me, trying to stay out of his reach.

One day, we didn’t see him in the window so we thought he wasn’t riding that day. My sister went first, only to see the boy crouched between the seats, hand at the ready. She backed up, refusing to go forward. The bus driver told her to keep moving, despite her protests and asking the driver to tell the boy to go back to the window. I warned the driver that if he touched either of us, I would hit him. The bus driver told us to go, the boy grinning.

My sister tried to run by the boy. I watched him stick his hand out just as she passed, grabbing her upper inner thigh (and possibly touching other parts, but she never said) and squeezing. She screamed and ran to her seat.

I don’t really remember the next part, but the bus driver and the boy both said I basically went feral. I swung my backpack at the boy, screaming “PERVERT!” and screeching at the top of my lungs. The bag hit the boy on top of the head, then upward to catch him under the chin. I pulled back for another blow when the driver grabbed me and shoved me back down the aisle.

When we got to school, the boy’s parents, my parents, the guidance counselor, and the police were all there. His parents were threatening to press charges against everyone on the bus and the school. Several other girls who rode the same bus barged in the office and told their stories. His parents stopped threatening to sue and instead argued he shouldn’t be punished because he had an undiagnosed learning disability and didn’t know what he was doing.

I was suspended from school for a whole week and told to write an apology to the boy and his family. My parents enlisted extended family and changed their schedules to drive us to school until I got my license at 16.

The boy was punished by being moved to an assigned seat directly behind the bus driver. I never got my apology, but I wasn’t forced to write one either.

About fifteen years after all this happened, I came back to my hometown and decided to attend a carnival. When we got to the gate, my sister shrunk behind me. I looked up and locked eyes with the same boy, taking money and stamping hands at the entrance. He turned dead white and excused himself before darting in the bathroom. He didn’t come out until after we left. I saw him walking the grounds while we were there, but he never approached us.

[florida80]

The Thirteenth Lobster

Burlington, home, Husband/Wife, Massachusetts, USA | Romantic | February 5, 2019


(My mother is reading in bed while my father sleeps, when he abruptly sits up.)

Dad: “How many are there?”

Mom: “…how many what?”

Dad: “Lobsters.”

Mom: *realizing he’s asleep and knowing how much he loves lobster* “Thirteen.”

Dad: “Well, get them off!”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “Get. Them off. The BED!”

(He then lay down and went back to sleep. This was one of my mother’s favorite stories for years.)

[florida80]

Smells Like Trouble

Bizarre, Grocery Store, Harassment, Texas, USA | Right Romantic | February 4, 2019


(As I’m getting to the end of my evening shift, I check out this lady on her phone. It goes fairly well — she’s communicating with me and such — and then a jerk customer comes in and talks about how good she smells.)

Creepy Customer: “Hey, ma’am, you smell so amazing! I could smell you all over the store, and here you are!”

Lady: *talking to the person on the phone* “This guy here is smelling me.”

(I can’t hear the person on the other end, but I’m sure they ask where she is. I’m assuming it’s her husband.)

Lady: “I’m checking out at the store.”

Creepy Customer: “Hey, lady, some people would take that as a compliment!” *puts his arms around her*

Lady: *pushes him away, and has this look on her face while she pays and leaves*

Me: *starts checking out said creep, not saying one word as I am watching what he does*

Creepy Customer: *starts shouting his number*

Me: *holding a heavy case of beer* “Please, one sec.”

Creepy Customer: *still saying the number over and over*

Me: *starts bagging*

Creepy Customer: *grabs my arm* “Hey, I like your watch! Give me your watch. Haha.”

Me: *jerks back fast, giving him a look*

Creepy Customer: *gets annoyed and has his friend pay*

Me: *asks another cashier to get a manager and fast*

(I had to stay late so I could inform the manager and report the creepy jerk. The manager took a look at the cameras to know what the creep looked like so he could tell the other managers. No, I don’t think the creepy jerk was drunk. The only thing I could smell was my lotion, and that’s probably what he could smell.)

[florida80]

This Relationship Just Levelled Up

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, New Jersey, USA | Romantic | February 4, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are in a voice call as we’re in a long distance relationship. He’s playing a video game while I’m reading through a few stories online.)

Boyfriend: “Is it wrong to kill ships that are two levels under me?”

Me: “No, it’s just EXP farming.”

Boyfriend: “And this is why I love you.”

[florida80]

Boobs Are Hot

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Germany, home, Tuttlingen | Romantic | February 3, 2019


(It’s winter. I’m in the kitchen, baking bread. My boyfriend sits in the living room on the couch. After getting the bread out of the oven, I lift my shirt and let the warm air from the oven blow to my bare breasts. Seconds after I start running to the couch.)

Me: “Honey, touch my boobs! Touch my boobs!”

(He seems slightly confused, but obliges and realizes that they are warm.)

Boyfriend: “Did you just lift your shirt to get them warm from the oven?”

(I spot a big grin, nodding excitedly.)

Boyfriend: “Yes. That’s my wife. No one else could be that way!”

(I’m gonna marry him. His crazy matches my crazy perfectly!)

[florida80]

So Panicked You Peed A Little Bit

El Paso, home, Non-Dialogue, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2019


When I was young my dad had an IT job that could call him into work at any time, on top of his normal working hours. At least once a week he would a get a phone call in the middle of the morning and would have to get dressed and go to the office.

One night, my mom woke up and noticed that he wasn’t in bed next to her. She looked at the clock to find that it was past three am. Concerned, she got out of bed and walked into the living room to call him. She reached his office answering machine — this was before everyone had cell phones — and left a message about how it was late and whatever he was doing could wait until he got some sleep. She then went back to her room and slid into bed, only to find another person already in the bed. She screamed like a banshee until she realized it was my father’s panicked voice asking, “What?! What is it?!”

Turns out, while Mom had left their room to make the phone call, my dad was in their master bathroom brushing his teeth. He had kept the lights off and was trying to be quiet so as to not wake her and then climbed into bed before she got back.

[florida80]

That’s How You Slide Out Of The Tape

Austin, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Rude & Risque, Supermarket, USA | Romantic | February 1, 2019


(My girlfriend and I like going on road trips. This time, we’re flying to Austin to meet friends, then taking a rental car to San Francisco. Since we came by plane, there are a few things that we plan on buying at the starting point; for example, a big cooler box to sit in the back seat of the car — very useful on the road, but not something you’d take on the plane. We’ll buy one at the start of the trip and donate it at the destination before boarding the plane home. We are now joining our friend at the supermarket to shop for the last two things we need.)

Friend: “So, what are you and [Girlfriend] looking for, exactly?”

Me: “Duct tape and massage oil.”

Friend: *falling over backward laughing*

(I swear it made total sense to buy exactly those two things at exactly that point of time, not kinky at all!)

[florida80]

Frequent Harassment Now Available In Every Aisle

Great Stuff, Harassment, Jerk, Retail, USA |
Right Romantic | February 1, 2019

(I’m 27. A man in his 50s visits our store at least twice a week. I don’t like waiting on him but he knows me by name and will wait around until I’m available to help. Several associates have offered to help him so he doesn’t have to wait, but he always refuses. It’s a few days before Black Friday and I’m trying to set up some of the displays so that we are ready to go. I see him enter the store and wink at me. I roll my eyes and move to another department.)

Coworker: *on the walkie* “[My Name], there’s a customer waiting for you by customer service.”

Me: *sigh* “No, I’m sorry. I can’t deal with him today; I’ve got too much to do.”

Coworker: *pause* “Well, he’s off to find you, anyway. I did tell him you were busy. Sorry…”

Me: “Thanks, anyway.”

(It isn’t long before I hear the man calling my name in a sing-song voice. I take a deep breath and turn.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Beautiful as ever! How are you?”

Me: “Very busy.”

(I gesture to the pallet of boxes I have to stock.)

Customer: “I don’t understand why someone as pretty as you gets stuck with men’s work.”

Me: “Equal opportunity employment. Are you looking for something in particular?”

Customer: “Just your smile.”

Me: *no smile* “Have a nice day, sir.”

(I return to my work, thinking that’s the last of it. Of course, it’s not. He returns a few minutes later.)

Customer: “When are you off?”

Me: “Later.”

Customer: “I think a hard-working woman like you deserves a drink.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “A dinner?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Another night?”

Me: “No.

Customer: “Ah, a breakfast girl.”

Me: *frustrated* “No.”

Customer: “Movie!”

Me: “I am not interested. I do not want to go out with you for dinner, or drinks, or breakfast, or anything. I am happily married, and nothing you say or do will change my mind.”

Customer: *pale, shocked* “But—“

Me: “Now, if there is nothing work-related I can help you with, goodbye, and have a good evening.”

(A few days later I received word that he had complained about my poor customer service skills to our corporate complaint line. Nothing came of it, but now when he comes in, I’m conveniently not working!)

[florida80]

Had That Car For A Barking Lifetime

home, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | January 31, 2019


(My wife and I have three dogs: two older ones that weigh 100 pounds and 80 pounds, and a younger one that is 55 pounds and not likely to get much bigger. Our small SUV has been great for carting them around, but I’m thinking of trading it in for a small truck.)

Me: “We can put a camper top on the truck. That way we don’t have to worry about them jumping out of the back, and the back won’t get too hot in the sun. Then, when the older ones have gone to the dog park in the sky, we can get rid of the top. [Young Dog] will be able to ride inside.”

Wife: “We might not even have that truck anymore when we lose the big dogs. We still have five to seven years with them. What if we’ve traded it for something else by then?”

Me: *looks at the SUV in the driveway that we’ve had for twelve years* “Really?”

[florida80]

Peacocktease

Florida, Harassment, Mall, Strangers, Tampa, USA |
Romantic | January 30, 2019

(I am sitting by myself on a bench in the local mall, waiting for my husband who has run to the bathroom. I happen to have long hair with streaks of teal in it. I’m replying to some work emails on my phone, not looking around at anyone, when a guy comes up to me.)

Guy: “I just had to tell you…”

Me: *confused, startled look*

Guy: *in what is probably an overly passionate tone for an eight-dollar box-dye job* “Your hair looks like a cascade of peacock feathers trailing down your shoulders.”

Me: *really taken aback by his earnestness, but honestly appreciating the compliment* “Oh. Um. Thanks!”

Guy: “So, I was thinking—“

(At that point, my husband walks up to me.)

Husband: “Okay, honey. Where are we getting lunch?”

(The guy looks at my husband, who is only just noticing him and gives him a polite, inquisitive smile. Then, the guy gives me a positively acidic look.)

Guy: “Okay, TEASE!” *turns and storms off*

(It was confusing, but mostly funny. Sorry my teasing, come-hither cascade of peacock hair lead you on or whatever, my dude. Hope you chill out some and grow up.)

[florida80]

A Hurricane Of Bad Relationships

Florida, Great Stuff, home, In-Laws, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | Related Romantic | January 30, 2019


(My sister-in-law went through a string of abusive relationships before meeting my brother, but my brother is very good to her. They are on vacation when we get word that a massive hurricane is headed for their home. I’m already planning to evacuate, but they call me and ask me to go to their home and get some of their most important possessions — legal docs, computers, etc. — and I agree. I’m on the phone with them while I’m packing up their stuff.)

Sister-In-Law: “By the way, there’s something important I need you to get, but you’ll have to search for it.”

Me: “Okay. What am I looking for?”

Sister-In-Law: “In our walk-in closet, in my sock drawer, there is a pair of purple socks. Can you go find them?”

Me: *wondering why she is having me grab socks, of all things* “Sure… Okay, I got ’em.”

Sister-In-Law: “Great. You should feel something inside. Can you open up the sock and get it out?”

(I do so. I find hundreds of dollars wrapped in a tight bundle.)

Me: “Jesus. Must be a thousand dollars here.”

Sister-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s my ‘running away’ money, in case things with [Brother] don’t work out.”

My Brother: *who has been married to her for seven years and has heard this entire conversation* “Oh, that’s a good idea. Too bad you’ll need a new hiding place when we get back.”

Sister-In-Law: *dejected sigh* “Yeah…”

(The rest of the packing was uneventful.)

[florida80]

No Means No Means No Means No Means…

Bad Behavior, Georgia, Harassment, Hotel, USA | Romantic | January 29, 2019


(I’m the front desk clerk for one of many hotels around the Atlanta Football Stadium. This happened last year during football season.)

Guest’s Friend: “Um, my friend wanted me to ask for a pen and paper.”

(I find both his behavior and his mention of his friend asking him to do this a bit odd. He looks like he feels extremely awkward about having to talk to me, and what happens shortly after explains why. He walks off after awkwardly thanking me and goes around the corner out of sight. I can hear two to four guys whispering, one of them chuckling and sounding a bit excited. The guy comes back.)

Guest’s Friend: *even more awkwardly before* “Umm, uh… just… Here, he wanted me to give you this.”

(He attempts to hand me a folded piece of paper and I realize it must be a phone number. I’m slightly shocked, because I don’t think of myself as that attractive, and I don’t expect such events like this to happen. Not wanting to put his friend in any more awkwardness, and wanting to just let him be on his way, I accept the paper from him and simply say, “Thanks,” also feeling a bit awkward, and let him return to his friends. I can hear them all whispering again, and the one voice from before sounds even more excited now. Soon after, the group of them comes out from around the corner to head out, and the guy in the back turns around and walks backward among the group, looking at me. They all look to be in their late teens; I’m 30.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll hear from you later, right?”

(He does a double finger-gun motion and winks at me.)

Me: “Um…”

Creepy Guy: “Night, my sweet thang.”

(Just before the automatic doors close I hear him tell his friends in a slightly raised, happy voice:)

Creepy Guy: “I hope she calls me tonight! Ah, man!”

(I think nothing of it at first until they return after a couple of hours.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll be up for a few more hours, cutie. Don’t worry about waking me when you call.” *winks again before going to their room*

(I feel bad for the guy because I can tell he’s all excited by the simple fact that I blindly took his phone number without having any clue who the number was from other than the guy’s “friend.” Not wanting this guy to get overly excited for nothing, or stay up waiting for my call, I decide to wait a few minutes before texting the number given to me to give him the bad news.)

Me: “Hey. It’s the lady from the front desk. I’m sorry, but I’m dating someone. I didn’t mean to get you all excited before; I just didn’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends earlier. I’m really sorry. I was just trying to be polite during that situation.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, really? That’s too bad. I’d love to get with you sometime. Can’t you ask?”

Me: “Ask? Umm, what do you mean?”

Creepy Guy: “Ask him if I can take you on a date!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not going to happen. We’ve been dating for four years and have been living together for two. We are pretty happy with each other and don’t have any interest in sharing each other with others.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on now. I can keep a secret; I won’t tell if you won’t tell!”

Me: “Um, sorry. No, I have to pass on that. Besides, I’m probably out of your age group for dating.”

Creepy Guy: “We can make it work. I don’t even live in the area, but I come out here for all the games in town, so we can go on dates often and see where things can go after. If the distance is an issue, I live just inside Alabama, so it’s not that bad of a drive if you want me over. I promise you’ll like me.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but I’m happy with my boyfriend. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your night, but I really was just trying to be nice in front of your friends.”

(I’m thinking to myself, “Not like I could just leave if they did return; I have to act nice and polite to all guests as part of my job,” and I’m mentally kicking myself in the head for getting into this new situation.)

[florida80]

Creepy Guy: “Well, I’m fine. I know you’ll turn yourself around and decide to date me. I’m a great guy!”

Me: “I’m sure you are, but so is my boyfriend, who I love very much. I’m happy where I am now.”

Creepy Guy: “Can I come down and talk to you for a while?”

(I am thinking, “Oh, God, no, please don’t.”)

Me: “Oh, well my coworker has taken over my shift. I’ve already left for home.”

(I’m still at work, with another hour before my coworker arrives, but I’m hoping he doesn’t figure out I’m bluffing.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, you’re more than welcome to come back and ask for a key to my room and come see me.”

Me: “No, thanks. I’ll be eating dinner with my boyfriend shortly. Have a good night, and I hope things work out for you. I’m sure you’ll find someone out there to date.”

(I continue with my shift. I jump almost every time I hear the elevator being called up or someone coming down the stairs. and I hide in the side office of the front desk, hoping that if it’s him, he doesn’t see me and realize I’m still there and try to change my mind again. Luckily, my coworker arrives, I explain to him how happy I am to see him. I tell him of the events that took place, and the text messages. He chuckles and tells me to go ahead and leave instead of doing our usual long, friendly chats before I head home. Unfortunately, this isn’t the end of the tale for this guy. A few days later, via text.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey! You never called! Did your boyfriend say yes?”

Me: “Who is this?”

(I had the old messages deleted.)

Creepy Guy: “Oh, come on. It’s me! The guy from the hotel.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I thought I explained it to you before; both my boyfriend and I aren’t interested in dating other people, only each other.”

Creepy Guy: “You know you want to… Are you working now? I could come over and take you to dinner when you get off! When does your shift end?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not sure how many times, or how many different ways I can tell you this. But I will not be dating you, or seeing you.”

Creepy Guy: “I’m a nice guy! Give a nice guy a chance! Nobody ever gives us a chance.”

Me: “You aren’t very nice if you think it’s okay for me to see someone else while living with and dating my boyfriend. I’m sorry, but this is a firm no. Please stop messaging me; my choice won’t change.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could treat you better than he does.”

(I block him at this point cause I’m no longer feeling up to being polite toward him anymore. Sadly, yet again, this still isn’t the end of it. Several weeks later, I’m working at the front desk again. I’m just now finishing a check-in for a new guest, and the creepy guy walks in and stands next to the new guest, just short from actually touching shoulders with them. The guest gives him an odd look and takes one step to the side, so they aren’t so close. I hand the guest his keys, making sure to keep the room number hidden, and send him on his way.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey, you never called me back! I’ve been trying to text you. Did something happen to your phone? Was that your boyfriend? Could I ask him for us? I really want to take you out some time.”

(I’m now hating life, knowing I have to at least attempt to be nice to him while working, and other guests and sitting in the lobby chatting to each other.)

Me: “No, that was just a guest. Again, I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in dating you. I’m very happy with my current boyfriend of four years.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on! I like you. I’m a good looking guy. I’m nice! I swear, just give me a chance.”

(As he’s saying this, another guest and her husband are walking past to go out for dinner. She overhears him and has no clue I have just told him I’m dating someone already and that this guy is basically begging me to cheat.)

Female Guest: “Aww, look at the poor guy. Give him a chance; he seems to be a nice guy.” *continues to walk out of the hotel*

Creepy Guy: “See? Now you have to go on a date with me!”

Me: “I don’t have to do anything. Please, I’m working. I’ve already told you no many times. Please just go.”

(Of course, he doesn’t leave. He spends the next hour trying to talk me into dating him. He hardly moves out of other people’s way when I go to check them in, and occasionally interrupts them to talk to me as if we are friends. Eventually, the other guests in the lobby decide to leave, but they never speak up to him to try and encourage him to leave me alone, despite sending glances our way. Creepy Guy notices this and takes advantage now that we are alone.)

Creepy Guy: *trying to act all sad to gain my sympathy* ” Aww… I really wanted to see you. I was in town for another game and, well… it’s my birthday. I was really hoping I could get a birthday kiss from you, you know, since it’s my birthday and all.”

Me: “Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get a kiss from me or anyone else. I. Am. Taken. There won’t be anything going on between you and me.

Creepy Guy: “Can’t I get a hug, at least?”

Me: “No.”

Creepy Guy: “Why not? Friends hug! It can be a friendly hug.”

Me: “One: I’m taken. Two: we aren’t friends; I don’t know anything about you. Three: I’m working. I can’t do anything like that, anyway. I have to be doing my job.”

Creepy Guy: “I won’t tell if you won’t tell! Just give me a kiss; it’s for my birthday!”

Me: “It could be the end of the world tomorrow, and you still won’t be getting either from me.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could jump over this counter. I just really want a kiss from you. Can’t I just have one kiss?”

Me: “Please don’t do that. I have cameras there, there, there, there, and there.” *points to every single camera we can both see, in hopes this will make him leave me alone, or at least prevent him from trying to jump over my counter* “My boss watches us from time to time, and she’ll glance over them to make sure we aren’t doing anything we aren’t supposed to. You can’t jump over this counter. Just don’t.”

Creepy Guy: “We could go over into that room next to you there!”

Me: “I’ve said no several times already; that should be the end of the conversation. Plus, there is a camera watching over the door that leads to that room, and a camera inside of the room itself. Please don’t make attempts to get to me.”

Creepy Guy: “Just go turn off the light, and I’ll be super fast and run in and hope she doesn’t see me go in, and then we can kiss in there!”

Me: “The cameras have night vision. Not that it matters — I’ve already told you no many, many times. Please leave me alone!”

(Of course, he doesn’t; he keeps switching between begging me for either a kiss, or a hug, and I keep refusing. He continues to barely give new arrivals room to stand at the desk to get checked in. After a few times of this happening, another guest arrives, and this time he decides to sidle over to the side of my desk where you can see most of what’s behind the counter-top, and he can see more than just my upper half.)

Creepy Guy: “Mmm, I love being able to see your curves. I just want to reach over and grab your a**.”

(He says this quietly, intending for only me to hear, but the new guest manages to hear him, too. I give the guest a look, trying to show that I’m not comfortable with this guy being around and finish his check-in. He hurriedly leaves and doesn’t make any attempts to save me from this creep. I sigh over my problems. I’m feeling very exposed now that this guy is checking out my a**, and I fail to find any way to mentally cover myself up, other than to face him so he can’t continue staring. Now he goes in circles about trying to get me to kiss him, hug him, or let him grab my a**, all because it’s his “birthday.” Eventually, I get the idea to text my boyfriend, asking him to rescue me and telling him to call the hotel, which he doesn’t notice right away. I text my coworker and tell him to call the hotel, but he’s sleeping and doesn’t see it until he wakes up in time to get ready for his overnight shift after I leave. Finally, the boyfriend sees my text and tries to ask why and I just text, “DO NOW PLZ,” so the guy doesn’t notice.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel, Location]. How can I help you?”

Boyfriend: “What’s going on? Why did you need me to call? Everything okay?”

Me: “OH, HEY, HONEY! Did you feed the cats when you got home?”

(The creepy guy can clearly hear me, and seems to sulk slightly when he realizes I’m talking to my boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Huh? What cats? Something going on?”

Me: “YES! It’s been a little busy today, but it’s quiet now that most of the guests have checked in. How was your day?”

Boyfriend: “I’m going to assume something is up. Are you in trouble or in any danger?”

[florida80]

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Boyfriend: “All right, so, whoever they are is still there?”

Me: “Yep, it’s been a long time, too.”

Boyfriend: “Well, that doesn’t sound fun. Do you need me to come over there?”

Me: “That would be nice, though I’m not sure if it will help much.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can stay on the line for a bit and see if they go away? Do you think your boss will get upset at you if I keep you on the phone?”

Me: “That’s fine, I think; I’m sure she wouldn’t mind after I explain everything to her.”

Boyfriend: “Ah, okay. Just let me know if they leave, or you can just say a code if you think you want me to head over there. Just ask me if we can go see a movie tonight, and I’ll know to head right over.”

Me: “Aww, that’s great! So, how’s mom doing?”

(From there, we just have a normal conversation for a bit until the creep decides to finally leave.)

Me: “Oh, my God, thank you! That weird guy I told you about decided to return to the hotel and come at me full force! He kept claiming it was his birthday, and he was trying to get me to kiss or hug him for the longest time. Then he started checking out my a** and saying he was going to jump over the counter to grab my a** and kiss me! At one point, he made a motion like he was actually going to pull himself over the counter until other people came through the lobby.”

Boyfriend: “You going to be okay? Want me to come over until your shift is over and I can pretend that I’m your ride?”

Me: *looks at the time and realizes I’ve been dealing with the guy for over two hours of constant harassment* “Oh, wow. My shift is nearly over. I think I’ll be okay; if he comes back I’ll have you give me another call and we can pretend that you have no clue what we need from the house for groceries or something.”

(Luckily, he never returned, but every time the Alabama team played at our stadium I got worried he would return.)

[florida80]

Another Word For Throwing Out Is Ex-iled

England, Exes/Old Flames, home, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2019


My ex-husband was picking the kids up for his fortnightly weekend with them when he told me that he and his fiancée had broken up — right before Christmas. The problem with this was that her mum was already due to stay with them Christmas Eve so he had to share a bed with his now-ex, while her mum had the sofa.

He said he didn’t know how well he was going to sleep and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without thinking I ‘joked’ that he’d managed to share a bed with me, knowing he was going to try and throw me out and survived. His face was a picture and a little part of me smiled inside.

[florida80]

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

Language & Words, Marriage & Partners, Parking Lot, USA, Utah | Romantic | January 27, 2019


(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)

[florida80]

Levelling Up Requires Blood

California, Engaged, Fresno, Health & Body, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, USA | Romantic | January 26, 2019


(My sister has MS and can be a little clumsy. One day she is sharpening kitchen knives and misses the sharpener. She ends up slicing her hand severely. She wraps it in a towel and walks to a back room where her fiancé is playing a multiplayer, fantasy-based computer game.)

Sister: “Hey. I cut my hand and you need to drive me to the emergency room.”

Fiancé: “Okay.” *yet continues to play the game*

(She figures that he needs to establish a stopping place, so she leaves to wait by the door. After ten minutes, he still hasn’t come. She gets up and goes back to the room.)

Sister: “[Fiancé]!” *places her hand in the bloodied towel next to the keyboard* “I need to go to the emergency room now.” *points to the towel*

Fiancé: *seeing the blood* “Oh, my God!”

(He rushed her over to the emergency room and her hand is fine. He now has to live this one down with the family because we all ask, “What did you hear the first time?!”)

[florida80]

I Am Violently In Love With You

Australia, Health & Body, home, Perth, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 25, 2019


(I am a young woman with multiple health problems, which have left me in a wheelchair currently. On top of that, my left eye is light-sensitive, red, and watery. I’ve had it checked out by the doctor, but they think it was just a bit of dust, and it’s fixing itself. However, I get to look like I’m crying from the left all the time until it goes away.)

Husband: “Aw, is someone a widdle sad?” *makes mock-crying noises*

Me: “Yes, that is what you’ll sound like… after I shank you in the kidney!”

Husband: “Oooh, ouch. It’s a good thing I love your adorable violent streak.”

Me: “I wonder how much you’ll love it after peeing blood for a few weeks.”

Husband: “Probably less so, then.”

[florida80]

Karma Can Be Jarring

Bigotry, California, Extra Stupid, home, Los Angeles, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2019


(I’m over a friend’s house, hanging out with her, her husband, and their mutual friends who are also a husband and wife. The other husband is sort of a “macho” guy, someone who was a complete jock back in high school. My friend recently had to fix their backyard’s door. I’m not sure what they did, but it made it somewhat difficult to open, so you have to push on it harder than usual to get it to move. I visit often so I know how to open it already, but this is apparently the first time the other couple knew of the door change. I need to use the restroom, and the other husband notices me shouldering the door open.)

Husband: *laughing* “Did you seriously have to throw yourself against the door to get in?”

Me: “It’s hard to open!”

Friend’s Husband: “We recently fixed it so it’s, uh, sturdier now, to say the least.”

Husband: *condescending baby voice* “D’aw, so it’s too hard for the ‘wittle’ girl to get through now?”

Wife: “Don’t be an a**, [Husband].”

(I roll my eyes but ignore it for the most part. Though he’s not the type of guy I would’ve ever hung out with independently, I know they’re still friends of my friends, so I tolerate it. It’s not like he’s a real pain or anything, and I get along with the wife well enough. When I come back out, he makes another teasing remark, but we get over. Not much later, he gets up to use the restroom, as well. He’s not paying attention, still talking to the group as he walks up, turns the handle of the door, and completely smacks against the door mid-sentence.)

Husband: “What the f***?!”

(Naturally, the rest of us burst out laughing. There are even face smudges on the polished wood that he tries to rub away without success. His wife is practically in tears and is still getting bouts of giggles even after he returns. When he sits down, he makes eye contact with me, and he must see the mischievous twinkle in my eye because he holds out his hand to stop me.)

Husband: “No! Don’t. Not another word.”

Me: *grins* “I didn’t even say anything!”

(The wife’s fit of giggles starts up again. The night goes on, and eventually, it is time for the other couple to leave. As we are saying our goodbyes, the husband gives a “one moment” signal to his wife. He faces the door, puts his hand on the handle, turns it, and then practically RAMS into the door! While it’s difficult to open, it’s not THAT hard. He, of course, ends up barreling through as the door swings wide open, tripping and face-planting onto the inside carpeting.)

Friend: “Dude!”

Friend’s Husband: “Oh, Jesus.”

Wife & I: *bursts out laughing again*

(The guy’s not a lightweight when he drinks, and since he only had two or three beers, there was no explanation as to why he did this. Thankfully, his wife was driving, anyway. I haven’t seen them since, but my friend tells me that it’s a running joke that his wife opens the door for him now.)

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 13

home | OH, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2015


(I’ve been in a crabby mood all day due to lack of sleep the night before, so my boyfriend’s usual perverted jokes throughout the day have been irritating me. This happens right before bed, after he’s kept me awake for three hours past when I wanted to go to sleep.)

Boyfriend: “You wanna have sex?”

Me: *groans tiredly* “Honey, I’m sorry. I’m so tired, and I’ve been in a bad mood all day, so we haven’t really been getting along. I wish you’d asked earlier while I was still awake, at least.”

Boyfriend: *sweetly, but disappointed* “It’s okay, sweetie.” *gives me a kiss* “Goodnight.”

(He rolls over to go to sleep. After about three full minutes of complete silence, he rips a huge fart.)

Me: *laughs for the first time all day*

Boyfriend: *cutely* “I love you!”

Me: *laughing so hard I can’t even respond*

(Somehow that fart, his cuteness that followed, and him making me laugh managed to undo my day’s frump, and I happily honored his request for sexy time. When I told him later that what had put me in the mood was his fart, he made a grossed-out face and told me how weird I am, but that he loves me anyway.)

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 14

home | Czech Republic | Romantic | September 1, 2015


(I’m in my boyfriend’s bedroom when I accidentally let out a very smelly fart.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, you know I love you, but you should go home right now.”

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 15

Car | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | June 30, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the car after spending the day together for our nine-month anniversary. He’s never really been afraid to fart in front of me, because he knows that I don’t care if he does unless I can smell it.)

Me: “That was charming….”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “I can smell that.”

Boyfriend: “But why are farts gross? They’re really just butt sneezes! They should be blessed, like regular sneezes!”

Me: “Wait… What did you just say?”

Boyfriend: “They’re butt sneezes! Think about it! People should say bless you when you fart!”

Me: “That’s going on the Internet.”

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 16

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2019


(A friend relayed this story to me. She and her boyfriend have gotten very close over the past three years. This is the conversation she had with him:)

Friend’s Boyfriend: *farts*

Friend: *laughs* “Why does it sound like a question?” *continues laughing*

Friend’s Boyfriend: *confused* “What? What do you mean?”

Friend: *still laughing* “It’s like your butt said, ‘Huh?’ like a question!”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Well, if my fart is the question, your fart is the answer.”

[florida80]

Taking Stock Of A Romantic Christmas

Ireland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Supermarket | Romantic | January 22, 2019


(My husband has always earned more than I have, and I do feel bad about that sometimes. For Christmas, I usually get him one or two presents that he wants, a stocking full of sweets and fiddly bits, and a few craft beers to try and make myself feel better about my lower budget. I even made the stocking a few years back. We go out shopping today, Christmas Eve, to get some drinks for a party with his family, and I notice him looking at my preferred ciders while I wrangle our toddler.)

Husband: *looking up sheepishly* “I was trying to quietly get some for your stocking.”

Me: “Joke’s on you; I don’t even have a stocking!”

Husband: *laughing* “D*** it!”

[florida80]

Husbandly Rights Are Very Wrong

Australia, Bad Behavior, New South Wales, Office, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | January 21, 2019


(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

[florida80]

Phlegm Definitely Isn’t Cute

California, Health & Body, home, Revolting, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 20, 2019


(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

[florida80]

The Price Of Flirting

Chicago, Flirting, Ignoring & Inattentive, Retail, Strangers, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2019


(I’m at a large home and garden store with my mom, buying a wedding gift for a friend. We head up to the cashier, an attractive guy around my own age. Please note that between my Asperger’s and personal issues, I have some difficulty picking up on certain social cues and whatnot.)

Sales Guy: *smiling widely* “Your total is [amount lower than I expected].”

Me: “Huh? That’s odd. I’m sorry, but are you certain that’s right? I thought it’d be closer to [actual price] with some tax.”

Mom: “Shhh!”

Me: “What? I don’t want him to get in trouble for an oversight.”

Sales Guy: *still smiling* “Nope, it’s fine; your total’s still [lower amount].”

Me: “If you’re sure…” *pays and leaves, totally baffled by the discrepancy*

(As we’re walking to our car, my mom turns to me.)

Mom: “I think that guy was flirting with you.”

Me: “Wait, seriously?!”

(I’ve never been back to that location, but whether he was just being nice or flirting, I wish I could say, “Thank you,” for the extra discount, sir, and sorry for the obliviousness!)

[florida80]

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance

Coffee Shop | Orillia, ON, Canada | Right | January 28, 2016


(This happens to my coworker who is taking orders and doing cash on drive-thru window.)

Customer: *over speaker box* “You made my tea wrong! I want an extra large steeped tea with two milk and two sugar.”

Coworker: “I am very sorry about that. Come on up to the window and we will have that ready for you.”

(When the customer arrives she thrusts the tea at my coworker who accepts it.)

Customer: “You are not allowed to take garbage through the window. You should be ashamed of yourself!”

(It is our policy not to accept trash if people try to hand it to us but often if a customer hands an improperly prepared beverage back we check the mark on the lid to see what was wrong.)

Coworker: “Oh. I am sorry about that.” *hands her the new drink*

Customer: *reading notices on the window* “You should have a sign on the window saying that you cannot take people’s trash!”

Coworker: “Sorry, we can only post notices approved by head office.”

Customer: “You should have an allergy warning for lactose! Your products contain lactose! You need to warn people!”

Coworker: “Um… sorry?”

Customer: “IT IS NOT ME THAT YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING TO!” *drives off*

Stunned Coworker: *to me* “Didn’t she have milk in her tea?”

Me: “Yeah. Apparently we now need to warn people that the milk or cream that they add to their drinks may contain lactose.”

(The next customer arrives at the window.)

Customer #2: “Did you just get yelled at?”

Coworker: “Yeah. She was mad that we didn’t have sign saying that some of our products may contain lactose.”

Customer #2: *stunned* “Are you serious?”

Coworker: *nods*

Customer: “What the f***? I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t need a bloody sign to tell me that!”

Me: “I am lactose intolerant, too.”

Customer: “And we know god d*** well that milk and cream have lactose! We just don’t order it! Who the h*** needs a sign to tell them that!”

Coworker: “Apparently she did because she ordered milk in her tea.”

[florida80]

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance, Part 2

Dating, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Restaurant, UK | Right Romantic | January 19, 2019


Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you have two ice cream options?”

Me: “One is made with cow’s milk, while the other is made with coconut milk.”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is vegan-friendly and safe for those with lactose sensitivity.”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I don’t understand. Which should I get?”

Me: “I assume after the chicken you just had that you are neither vegan nor lactose intolerant, so I would suggest the ice cream made with cow’s milk.”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “No, I think I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “But your sauce was prepared with milk. Are you all right?”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I think so.” *to [Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ]* “Am I?”

(I stare at both of them while [Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] face-palms.)

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I think we’ll risk it.”

(I bring them their ice cream. Half an hour later I am asked to bring the bill, and [Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] offers to pay with a card. I take him to the reader.)

Me: “Are you sure he’s all right? I don’t want him to get sick.”

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I don’t think he knows what it means, so I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be fine.”

Me: *worried* “Oh, I thought you knew each other. I shouldn’t have suggested the cow’s milk.”

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “No, seriously. Even if he is lactose intolerant, I doubt there’s enough going on in there to make the connection. I think I’ve actually gotten dumber just spending the night with him.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, please let us know if there are any problems.”

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Sure, although I doubt I’ll see him after tonight. I don’t know if I’ll ever use Grindr again!”

[florida80]

Tooth And Brain Decay

California, Extra Stupid, Great Stuff, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2019


(My husband has just had some dental work done. He wants to brush his teeth, but we use electric toothbrushes, and he thinks those will be too harsh on his tender gums.)

Husband: “Babe, do we have any non-electric toothbrushes?”

Me: “Yes, I think so, behind the bathroom door in the cubbyholes.”

Husband: “Oh, darn. None there.”

Me: “Well… you could use your electric one and not turn it on?”

Husband: “Oh, jeeze. I should have thought of that! I think the dentist injected Novocain into my brain.”

[florida80]

Hot Enough To Burn

Bosses & Owners, Comeuppance, Harassment, Non-Dialogue, Noord Brabant, School, The Netherlands | Romantic | January 17, 2019


This happened in 2003. I am male and had one male boss who was in his sixties and about 1,50 meters — five feet — tall. We were the IT-guys at a school.

One day we got a trainee, a lovely and beautiful girl about 18 years old who would be helping us for the next ten months. My boss was notorious for his sexist and creepy “compliments” he gave to women. He already had received several warnings but sadly, there was no way to fire him because his behaviour was just annoying but not considered sexual harassment at that time.

My boss began hitting on the trainee with all sorts of cheesy remarks. The first time I heard it, I immediately told him to shut up or I’d tell his wife. Visibly embarrassed, he left the room and I thought that was the end of it.

A few days later I found the trainee in tears behind her desk. You’ve already guessed it: the boss wasn’t planning on stopping his creepy behaviour. I really felt sorry for the girl because as far as I could judge she could become one h*** of a sys-admin.

That evening I spoke about this to my wife. She had some creepy and sexist remarks from my boss when she sometimes came to school to pick me up, so she could imagine how the girl must feel. Suddenly she began to laugh, took some paper, and wrote some lines down.

She gave it to me and said, “Have your trainee learn these lines by heart. The next time he’s bothering her again, she must say them in a very loud voice.”

The next day I gave the paper to the trainee and told her what to do. She read the lines, began to laugh, and said she couldn’t say those things to the boss. I told her that if she wanted to stay here without the crap my boss was giving her, she had no other options. We could report my boss, and he would get another warning, but nothing would change. The trainee wanted to stay at our school so she began to memorize the lines.

It was Friday, and she said she would study the lines over the weekend. The next Monday we started work and my boss phoned that he wouldn’t come in until lunchtime. Fine. Lunchtime came and the trainee and I went for a coffee in the break room. Most of the teachers and the principal were there, too, so we had to wait in line.

The trainee poured herself a coffee, and as if on cue there was the boss, saying, “Oh, such a hot girl shouldn’t drink hot coffee. I can’t handle you if you’re too hot.” The trainee turned around and yelled at him:

“Now, you listen, you oversexed, over-aged, undersized albino smurf! I don’t want to hear your foul mouth ever again. I’ve had enough of you, creep. Leave me alone or I’ll drown you in the first toilet bowl I can find. It would take just one flush to get rid of the body.”

The room went silent for a moment, and next, there was hysterical laughter and clapping.

The boss made an exit and the principal went after him. When we came back from lunch, there was a note on my desk that the boss had decided to take some time off to evaluate his career.

The last we heard was that he had applied for early retirement without a goodbye party. I asked my wife where she got those lines from.

She said, “You know how sometimes you only come up with good lines long after the fact? I’ve had these lines prepared just in case I ever met your boss again. I never expected them to work so efficiently.”

[florida80]

So Excited They Could Puke

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Car, Health & Body, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 16, 2019


(I am on my second day of severe food poisoning when my girlfriend and I decide we absolutely have to go to the urgent care to get me feeling better, knowing I have to get at least an IV. Two weeks ago, I purchased an engagement ring and had been planning on proposing the day I got sick. Being overly romantic is something I have never been accused of, and this time is no different. We are halfway down the highway to urgent care when I painfully shift towards her in the car and pull out the ring. She takes one look at it and nearly drives us into the wall in shock… and holds out her right hand.)

Me: “No… I actually do mean the other hand…”

(She starts crying and hands me her left hand, all the while trying not to crash, and I flop back down weakly into the seat.)

Me: “So… is that a yes?”

(Luckily, yes, it was a yes. When we tell the story of how we got engaged, we like to say it was only because I didn’t think I was going to live long enough to “have to actually get married”!)

[florida80]

Technically It’s Bee Vomit, But It’s Still Sweet

Chicago, Fast Food, Love/Romance, Parents/Guardians, Punny, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 15, 2019


(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)

Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”

Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”

Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”

Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”

[florida80]

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

Mall, Nebraska, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 14, 2019


(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

[florida80]

Just Be Present

home, Maryland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My partner has recently suffered a nervous breakdown and their therapist has ordered them to take a day off — absolutely no work, and nothing stressful. My partner is a huge fan of surprises and hates finding out about presents early.)

Me: “If I find out you’re doing work, I swear, I will send you photos of your birthday present.”

Partner: “You really got me there, love.”

[florida80]

If You Still Have Underwear By Sunday You’re Not Doing It Right

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My husband has two hearing aids, and I often forget about them in the early morning before he puts them back in after showering, which makes for some interesting conversations. He is also terrible about sorting clothes when he puts laundry away, so things like socks and underwear always end up in the wrong place.)

Me: “Tomorrow’s Saturday, right? Do we have anything going on?”

Husband: *not hearing, and pulling something out of his drawer* “I have a pair of your underwear.”

(Glad those will be going on tomorrow!)

[florida80]

It Needs To Be A Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Before It’s Official

Extra Stupid, Flirting, Harassment, Hungary, School, Schoolmates, Strangers | Romantic | January 12, 2019


(I have glasses, and sometimes when they get dirty I close one of my eyes and look to see if it’s that side of the glasses or the other that’s dirty. I am walking to class and I see some blurriness, so I do the thing I mentioned. I close one of my eyes and look. Then I notice a boy looking funny at me. I brush it off because not everyone does what I do. It is later that day when I am waiting in the hall and browsing NotAlwaysRight. The same guy I saw sits down next to me and starts to lean in and play bad music on his speaker. I just keep sitting there, still reading.)

Guy: “Soooo… a couple of hours ago…”

Me: *looks up and waits for him to continue*

Guy: *raises eyebrow*

Me: *still waiting*

Guy: *starts to lean in, probably for a kiss*

Me: “Uh. You okay?”

Guy: “Yeah? Why? You scared?”

Me: “No, just confused.”

Guy: “What’s confusing? You were winking at me just a while ago!”

Me: “…” *remembers this is the same dude as before* “Sorry, I was just looking through my glasses.”

Guy: “Yeah, right.” *stands up and starts to leave*

Me: “Well… good luck to the next girl you want to randomly kiss in the hall.”

Guy: *looks at me surprised and hurries away*

(Peeps, if you think someone is winking at you, that doesn’t mean you can just kiss ’em.)

[florida80]

They Both Want A Piece Of The Action

home, New York, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 11, 2019


(I am a fairly large-chested woman. My husband and I are medieval re-enactors, discussing the type of costumes I’d like him to make for me. We’ve settled on a style of men’s clothing that includes a codpiece.)

Husband: “I promise I won’t go overboard on the codpiece.”

Me: “Thank you. I’d like to enter the room at the same time as it does.”

Husband: *indicating my chest* “Just so you know, that gives me a lot of leeways.”


Me: “Fine. I don’t want to see it past my boobs.”

[florida80]

Needs To Reorient Their Detective Skills

Chicago, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Illinois, Police, Police Station, Spouses & Partners, USA | Friendly Legal Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My cousin is a very masculine, straight-acting police officer. The following exchange takes place in his precinct.)

Officer: “God, my wife is driving me nuts. Women, huh? Doesn’t your wife just make you crazy sometimes?”

Cousin: “I don’t have a wife.”

Officer: “Ah, sorry, I saw the ring. Divorced, huh?”

Cousin: “No.”

Officer: “Oh. Widowed?”

Cousin: “No, I’m definitely still married.”

Officer: *now very confused* “So, you do have a wife?”

Cousin: *starting to snicker at the routine* “No.”

Officer: *as several other cops within earshot also start to crack up* “I don’t understand.”

Sergeant: *yelling in exasperation* “He’s married to a man and therefore has a husband! Jesus Christ, [Officer], how do you expect to make detective with those deductive reasoning skills?”

Officer: “Ohhhhh.”

[florida80]

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

[florida80]

You Have Her Cornered

Boston, Extra Stupid, Geography, home, Massachusetts, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 9, 2019


(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

[florida80]

Appallingly Unaware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Language & Words, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | January 8, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

[florida80]

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

Harassment, home, Phone, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2019


(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise.)

[florida80]

Just Axing For Trouble

Bizarre, Harassment, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Park, Strangers | Romantic | January 6, 2019


This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

[florida80]

Assisted Living And Leaving

Assisted Living, Michigan, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2019


(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

[florida80]

An Affair To Dismember

Bad Behavior, Canada, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, home | Romantic | January 4, 2019


(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”

[florida80]

I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

Bizarre, Games, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2019


(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

[florida80]

Peacocktease

Florida, Harassment, Mall, Strangers, Tampa, USA |
Romantic | January 30, 2019

(I am sitting by myself on a bench in the local mall, waiting for my husband who has run to the bathroom. I happen to have long hair with streaks of teal in it. I’m replying to some work emails on my phone, not looking around at anyone, when a guy comes up to me.)

Guy: “I just had to tell you…”

Me: *confused, startled look*

Guy: *in what is probably an overly passionate tone for an eight-dollar box-dye job* “Your hair looks like a cascade of peacock feathers trailing down your shoulders.”

Me: *really taken aback by his earnestness, but honestly appreciating the compliment* “Oh. Um. Thanks!”

Guy: “So, I was thinking—“

(At that point, my husband walks up to me.)

Husband: “Okay, honey. Where are we getting lunch?”

(The guy looks at my husband, who is only just noticing him and gives him a polite, inquisitive smile. Then, the guy gives me a positively acidic look.)

Guy: “Okay, TEASE!” *turns and storms off*

(It was confusing, but mostly funny. Sorry my teasing, come-hither cascade of peacock hair lead you on or whatever, my dude. Hope you chill out some and grow up.)

[florida80]

A Hurricane Of Bad Relationships

Florida, Great Stuff, home, In-Laws, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | Related Romantic | January 30, 2019


(My sister-in-law went through a string of abusive relationships before meeting my brother, but my brother is very good to her. They are on vacation when we get word that a massive hurricane is headed for their home. I’m already planning to evacuate, but they call me and ask me to go to their home and get some of their most important possessions — legal docs, computers, etc. — and I agree. I’m on the phone with them while I’m packing up their stuff.)

Sister-In-Law: “By the way, there’s something important I need you to get, but you’ll have to search for it.”

Me: “Okay. What am I looking for?”

Sister-In-Law: “In our walk-in closet, in my sock drawer, there is a pair of purple socks. Can you go find them?”

Me: *wondering why she is having me grab socks, of all things* “Sure… Okay, I got ’em.”

Sister-In-Law: “Great. You should feel something inside. Can you open up the sock and get it out?”

(I do so. I find hundreds of dollars wrapped in a tight bundle.)

Me: “Jesus. Must be a thousand dollars here.”

Sister-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s my ‘running away’ money, in case things with [Brother] don’t work out.”

My Brother: *who has been married to her for seven years and has heard this entire conversation* “Oh, that’s a good idea. Too bad you’ll need a new hiding place when we get back.”

Sister-In-Law: *dejected sigh* “Yeah…”

(The rest of the packing was uneventful.)

[florida80]

A Hurricane Of Bad Relationships

Florida, Great Stuff, home, In-Laws, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | Related Romantic | January 30, 2019


(My sister-in-law went through a string of abusive relationships before meeting my brother, but my brother is very good to her. They are on vacation when we get word that a massive hurricane is headed for their home. I’m already planning to evacuate, but they call me and ask me to go to their home and get some of their most important possessions — legal docs, computers, etc. — and I agree. I’m on the phone with them while I’m packing up their stuff.)

Sister-In-Law: “By the way, there’s something important I need you to get, but you’ll have to search for it.”

Me: “Okay. What am I looking for?”

Sister-In-Law: “In our walk-in closet, in my sock drawer, there is a pair of purple socks. Can you go find them?”

Me: *wondering why she is having me grab socks, of all things* “Sure… Okay, I got ’em.”

Sister-In-Law: “Great. You should feel something inside. Can you open up the sock and get it out?”

(I do so. I find hundreds of dollars wrapped in a tight bundle.)

Me: “Jesus. Must be a thousand dollars here.”

Sister-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s my ‘running away’ money, in case things with [Brother] don’t work out.”

My Brother: *who has been married to her for seven years and has heard this entire conversation* “Oh, that’s a good idea. Too bad you’ll need a new hiding place when we get back.”

Sister-In-Law: *dejected sigh* “Yeah…”

(The rest of the packing was uneventful.)

[florida80]

No Means No Means No Means No Means…

Bad Behavior, Georgia, Harassment, Hotel, USA | Romantic | January 29, 2019


(I’m the front desk clerk for one of many hotels around the Atlanta Football Stadium. This happened last year during football season.)

Guest’s Friend: “Um, my friend wanted me to ask for a pen and paper.”

(I find both his behavior and his mention of his friend asking him to do this a bit odd. He looks like he feels extremely awkward about having to talk to me, and what happens shortly after explains why. He walks off after awkwardly thanking me and goes around the corner out of sight. I can hear two to four guys whispering, one of them chuckling and sounding a bit excited. The guy comes back.)

Guest’s Friend: *even more awkwardly before* “Umm, uh… just… Here, he wanted me to give you this.”

(He attempts to hand me a folded piece of paper and I realize it must be a phone number. I’m slightly shocked, because I don’t think of myself as that attractive, and I don’t expect such events like this to happen. Not wanting to put his friend in any more awkwardness, and wanting to just let him be on his way, I accept the paper from him and simply say, “Thanks,” also feeling a bit awkward, and let him return to his friends. I can hear them all whispering again, and the one voice from before sounds even more excited now. Soon after, the group of them comes out from around the corner to head out, and the guy in the back turns around and walks backward among the group, looking at me. They all look to be in their late teens; I’m 30.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll hear from you later, right?”

(He does a double finger-gun motion and winks at me.)

Me: “Um…”

Creepy Guy: “Night, my sweet thang.”

(Just before the automatic doors close I hear him tell his friends in a slightly raised, happy voice:)

Creepy Guy: “I hope she calls me tonight! Ah, man!”

(I think nothing of it at first until they return after a couple of hours.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll be up for a few more hours, cutie. Don’t worry about waking me when you call.” *winks again before going to their room*

(I feel bad for the guy because I can tell he’s all excited by the simple fact that I blindly took his phone number without having any clue who the number was from other than the guy’s “friend.” Not wanting this guy to get overly excited for nothing, or stay up waiting for my call, I decide to wait a few minutes before texting the number given to me to give him the bad news.)

Me: “Hey. It’s the lady from the front desk. I’m sorry, but I’m dating someone. I didn’t mean to get you all excited before; I just didn’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends earlier. I’m really sorry. I was just trying to be polite during that situation.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, really? That’s too bad. I’d love to get with you sometime. Can’t you ask?”

Me: “Ask? Umm, what do you mean?”

Creepy Guy: “Ask him if I can take you on a date!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not going to happen. We’ve been dating for four years and have been living together for two. We are pretty happy with each other and don’t have any interest in sharing each other with others.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on now. I can keep a secret; I won’t tell if you won’t tell!”

Me: “Um, sorry. No, I have to pass on that. Besides, I’m probably out of your age group for dating.”

Creepy Guy: “We can make it work. I don’t even live in the area, but I come out here for all the games in town, so we can go on dates often and see where things can go after. If the distance is an issue, I live just inside Alabama, so it’s not that bad of a drive if you want me over. I promise you’ll like me.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but I’m happy with my boyfriend. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your night, but I really was just trying to be nice in front of your friends.”

(I’m thinking to myself, “Not like I could just leave if they did return; I have to act nice and polite to all guests as part of my job,” and I’m mentally kicking myself in the head for getting into this new situation.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, I’m fine. I know you’ll turn yourself around and decide to date me. I’m a great guy!”

Me: “I’m sure you are, but so is my boyfriend, who I love very much. I’m happy where I am now.”

Creepy Guy: “Can I come down and talk to you for a while?”

(I am thinking, “Oh, God, no, please don’t.”)

Me: “Oh, well my coworker has taken over my shift. I’ve already left for home.”

(I’m still at work, with another hour before my coworker arrives, but I’m hoping he doesn’t figure out I’m bluffing.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, you’re more than welcome to come back and ask for a key to my room and come see me.”

Me: “No, thanks. I’ll be eating dinner with my boyfriend shortly. Have a good night, and I hope things work out for you. I’m sure you’ll find someone out there to date.”

(I continue with my shift. I jump almost every time I hear the elevator being called up or someone coming down the stairs. and I hide in the side office of the front desk, hoping that if it’s him, he doesn’t see me and realize I’m still there and try to change my mind again. Luckily, my coworker arrives, I explain to him how happy I am to see him. I tell him of the events that took place, and the text messages. He chuckles and tells me to go ahead and leave instead of doing our usual long, friendly chats before I head home. Unfortunately, this isn’t the end of the tale for this guy. A few days later, via text.)

[florida80]

Creepy Guy: “Hey! You never called! Did your boyfriend say yes?”

Me: “Who is this?”

(I had the old messages deleted.)

Creepy Guy: “Oh, come on. It’s me! The guy from the hotel.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I thought I explained it to you before; both my boyfriend and I aren’t interested in dating other people, only each other.”

Creepy Guy: “You know you want to… Are you working now? I could come over and take you to dinner when you get off! When does your shift end?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not sure how many times, or how many different ways I can tell you this. But I will not be dating you, or seeing you.”

Creepy Guy: “I’m a nice guy! Give a nice guy a chance! Nobody ever gives us a chance.”

Me: “You aren’t very nice if you think it’s okay for me to see someone else while living with and dating my boyfriend. I’m sorry, but this is a firm no. Please stop messaging me; my choice won’t change.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could treat you better than he does.”

(I block him at this point cause I’m no longer feeling up to being polite toward him anymore. Sadly, yet again, this still isn’t the end of it. Several weeks later, I’m working at the front desk again. I’m just now finishing a check-in for a new guest, and the creepy guy walks in and stands next to the new guest, just short from actually touching shoulders with them. The guest gives him an odd look and takes one step to the side, so they aren’t so close. I hand the guest his keys, making sure to keep the room number hidden, and send him on his way.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey, you never called me back! I’ve been trying to text you. Did something happen to your phone? Was that your boyfriend? Could I ask him for us? I really want to take you out some time.”

(I’m now hating life, knowing I have to at least attempt to be nice to him while working, and other guests and sitting in the lobby chatting to each other.)

Me: “No, that was just a guest. Again, I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in dating you. I’m very happy with my current boyfriend of four years.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on! I like you. I’m a good looking guy. I’m nice! I swear, just give me a chance.”

(As he’s saying this, another guest and her husband are walking past to go out for dinner. She overhears him and has no clue I have just told him I’m dating someone already and that this guy is basically begging me to cheat.)

Female Guest: “Aww, look at the poor guy. Give him a chance; he seems to be a nice guy.” *continues to walk out of the hotel*

Creepy Guy: “See? Now you have to go on a date with me!”

Me: “I don’t have to do anything. Please, I’m working. I’ve already told you no many times. Please just go.”

(Of course, he doesn’t leave. He spends the next hour trying to talk me into dating him. He hardly moves out of other people’s way when I go to check them in, and occasionally interrupts them to talk to me as if we are friends. Eventually, the other guests in the lobby decide to leave, but they never speak up to him to try and encourage him to leave me alone, despite sending glances our way. Creepy Guy notices this and takes advantage now that we are alone.)

Creepy Guy: *trying to act all sad to gain my sympathy* ” Aww… I really wanted to see you. I was in town for another game and, well… it’s my birthday. I was really hoping I could get a birthday kiss from you, you know, since it’s my birthday and all.”

Me: “Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get a kiss from me or anyone else. I. Am. Taken. There won’t be anything going on between you and me.

Creepy Guy: “Can’t I get a hug, at least?”

[florida80]

Me: “No.”

Creepy Guy: “Why not? Friends hug! It can be a friendly hug.”

Me: “One: I’m taken. Two: we aren’t friends; I don’t know anything about you. Three: I’m working. I can’t do anything like that, anyway. I have to be doing my job.”

Creepy Guy: “I won’t tell if you won’t tell! Just give me a kiss; it’s for my birthday!”

Me: “It could be the end of the world tomorrow, and you still won’t be getting either from me.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could jump over this counter. I just really want a kiss from you. Can’t I just have one kiss?”

Me: “Please don’t do that. I have cameras there, there, there, there, and there.” *points to every single camera we can both see, in hopes this will make him leave me alone, or at least prevent him from trying to jump over my counter* “My boss watches us from time to time, and she’ll glance over them to make sure we aren’t doing anything we aren’t supposed to. You can’t jump over this counter. Just don’t.”

Creepy Guy: “We could go over into that room next to you there!”

Me: “I’ve said no several times already; that should be the end of the conversation. Plus, there is a camera watching over the door that leads to that room, and a camera inside of the room itself. Please don’t make attempts to get to me.”

Creepy Guy: “Just go turn off the light, and I’ll be super fast and run in and hope she doesn’t see me go in, and then we can kiss in there!”

Me: “The cameras have night vision. Not that it matters — I’ve already told you no many, many times. Please leave me alone!”

(Of course, he doesn’t; he keeps switching between begging me for either a kiss, or a hug, and I keep refusing. He continues to barely give new arrivals room to stand at the desk to get checked in. After a few times of this happening, another guest arrives, and this time he decides to sidle over to the side of my desk where you can see most of what’s behind the counter-top, and he can see more than just my upper half.)

Creepy Guy: “Mmm, I love being able to see your curves. I just want to reach over and grab your a**.”

(He says this quietly, intending for only me to hear, but the new guest manages to hear him, too. I give the guest a look, trying to show that I’m not comfortable with this guy being around and finish his check-in. He hurriedly leaves and doesn’t make any attempts to save me from this creep. I sigh over my problems. I’m feeling very exposed now that this guy is checking out my a**, and I fail to find any way to mentally cover myself up, other than to face him so he can’t continue staring. Now he goes in circles about trying to get me to kiss him, hug him, or let him grab my a**, all because it’s his “birthday.” Eventually, I get the idea to text my boyfriend, asking him to rescue me and telling him to call the hotel, which he doesn’t notice right away. I text my coworker and tell him to call the hotel, but he’s sleeping and doesn’t see it until he wakes up in time to get ready for his overnight shift after I leave. Finally, the boyfriend sees my text and tries to ask why and I just text, “DO NOW PLZ,” so the guy doesn’t notice.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel, Location]. How can I help you?”

Boyfriend: “What’s going on? Why did you need me to call? Everything okay?”

Me: “OH, HEY, HONEY! Did you feed the cats when you got home?”

[florida80]

(The creepy guy can clearly hear me, and seems to sulk slightly when he realizes I’m talking to my boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Huh? What cats? Something going on?”

Me: “YES! It’s been a little busy today, but it’s quiet now that most of the guests have checked in. How was your day?”

Boyfriend: “I’m going to assume something is up. Are you in trouble or in any danger?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Boyfriend: “All right, so, whoever they are is still there?”

Me: “Yep, it’s been a long time, too.”

Boyfriend: “Well, that doesn’t sound fun. Do you need me to come over there?”

Me: “That would be nice, though I’m not sure if it will help much.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can stay on the line for a bit and see if they go away? Do you think your boss will get upset at you if I keep you on the phone?”

Me: “That’s fine, I think; I’m sure she wouldn’t mind after I explain everything to her.”

Boyfriend: “Ah, okay. Just let me know if they leave, or you can just say a code if you think you want me to head over there. Just ask me if we can go see a movie tonight, and I’ll know to head right over.”

Me: “Aww, that’s great! So, how’s mom doing?”

(From there, we just have a normal conversation for a bit until the creep decides to finally leave.)

Me: “Oh, my God, thank you! That weird guy I told you about decided to return to the hotel and come at me full force! He kept claiming it was his birthday, and he was trying to get me to kiss or hug him for the longest time. Then he started checking out my a** and saying he was going to jump over the counter to grab my a** and kiss me! At one point, he made a motion like he was actually going to pull himself over the counter until other people came through the lobby.”

Boyfriend: “You going to be okay? Want me to come over until your shift is over and I can pretend that I’m your ride?”

Me: *looks at the time and realizes I’ve been dealing with the guy for over two hours of constant harassment* “Oh, wow. My shift is nearly over. I think I’ll be okay; if he comes back I’ll have you give me another call and we can pretend that you have no clue what we need from the house for groceries or something.”

(Luckily, he never returned, but every time the Alabama team played at our stadium I got worried he would return.)

[florida80]

Another Word For Throwing Out Is Ex-iled

England, Exes/Old Flames, home, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2019


My ex-husband was picking the kids up for his fortnightly weekend with them when he told me that he and his fiancée had broken up — right before Christmas. The problem with this was that her mum was already due to stay with them Christmas Eve so he had to share a bed with his now-ex, while her mum had the sofa.

He said he didn’t know how well he was going to sleep and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without thinking I ‘joked’ that he’d managed to share a bed with me, knowing he was going to try and throw me out and survived. His face was a picture and a little part of me smiled inside.

[florida80]

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

Language & Words, Marriage & Partners, Parking Lot, USA, Utah | Romantic | January 27, 2019


(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)

[florida80]

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

Language & Words, Marriage & Partners, Parking Lot, USA, Utah | Romantic | January 27, 2019


(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)

[florida80]

Levelling Up Requires Blood

California, Engaged, Fresno, Health & Body, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, USA | Romantic | January 26, 2019


(My sister has MS and can be a little clumsy. One day she is sharpening kitchen knives and misses the sharpener. She ends up slicing her hand severely. She wraps it in a towel and walks to a back room where her fiancé is playing a multiplayer, fantasy-based computer game.)

Sister: “Hey. I cut my hand and you need to drive me to the emergency room.”

Fiancé: “Okay.” *yet continues to play the game*

(She figures that he needs to establish a stopping place, so she leaves to wait by the door. After ten minutes, he still hasn’t come. She gets up and goes back to the room.)

Sister: “[Fiancé]!” *places her hand in the bloodied towel next to the keyboard* “I need to go to the emergency room now.” *points to the towel*

Fiancé: *seeing the blood* “Oh, my God!”

(He rushed her over to the emergency room and her hand is fine. He now has to live this one down with the family because we all ask, “What did you hear the first time?!”)

[florida80]

I Am Violently In Love With You

Australia, Health & Body, home, Perth, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 25, 2019


(I am a young woman with multiple health problems, which have left me in a wheelchair currently. On top of that, my left eye is light-sensitive, red, and watery. I’ve had it checked out by the doctor, but they think it was just a bit of dust, and it’s fixing itself. However, I get to look like I’m crying from the left all the time until it goes away.)

Husband: “Aw, is someone a widdle sad?” *makes mock-crying noises*

Me: “Yes, that is what you’ll sound like… after I shank you in the kidney!”

Husband: “Oooh, ouch. It’s a good thing I love your adorable violent streak.”

Me: “I wonder how much you’ll love it after peeing blood for a few weeks.”

Husband: “Probably less so, then.”

[florida80]

Karma Can Be Jarring

Bigotry, California, Extra Stupid, home, Los Angeles, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2019


(I’m over a friend’s house, hanging out with her, her husband, and their mutual friends who are also a husband and wife. The other husband is sort of a “macho” guy, someone who was a complete jock back in high school. My friend recently had to fix their backyard’s door. I’m not sure what they did, but it made it somewhat difficult to open, so you have to push on it harder than usual to get it to move. I visit often so I know how to open it already, but this is apparently the first time the other couple knew of the door change. I need to use the restroom, and the other husband notices me shouldering the door open.)

Husband: *laughing* “Did you seriously have to throw yourself against the door to get in?”

Me: “It’s hard to open!”

Friend’s Husband: “We recently fixed it so it’s, uh, sturdier now, to say the least.”

Husband: *condescending baby voice* “D’aw, so it’s too hard for the ‘wittle’ girl to get through now?”

Wife: “Don’t be an a**, [Husband].”

(I roll my eyes but ignore it for the most part. Though he’s not the type of guy I would’ve ever hung out with independently, I know they’re still friends of my friends, so I tolerate it. It’s not like he’s a real pain or anything, and I get along with the wife well enough. When I come back out, he makes another teasing remark, but we get over. Not much later, he gets up to use the restroom, as well. He’s not paying attention, still talking to the group as he walks up, turns the handle of the door, and completely smacks against the door mid-sentence.)

Husband: “What the f***?!”

(Naturally, the rest of us burst out laughing. There are even face smudges on the polished wood that he tries to rub away without success. His wife is practically in tears and is still getting bouts of giggles even after he returns. When he sits down, he makes eye contact with me, and he must see the mischievous twinkle in my eye because he holds out his hand to stop me.)

Husband: “No! Don’t. Not another word.”

Me: *grins* “I didn’t even say anything!”

(The wife’s fit of giggles starts up again. The night goes on, and eventually, it is time for the other couple to leave. As we are saying our goodbyes, the husband gives a “one moment” signal to his wife. He faces the door, puts his hand on the handle, turns it, and then practically RAMS into the door! While it’s difficult to open, it’s not THAT hard. He, of course, ends up barreling through as the door swings wide open, tripping and face-planting onto the inside carpeting.)

Friend: “Dude!”

Friend’s Husband: “Oh, Jesus.”

Wife & I: *bursts out laughing again*

(The guy’s not a lightweight when he drinks, and since he only had two or three beers, there was no explanation as to why he did this. Thankfully, his wife was driving, anyway. I haven’t seen them since, but my friend tells me that it’s a running joke that his wife opens the door for him now.)

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 13

home | OH, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2015


(I’ve been in a crabby mood all day due to lack of sleep the night before, so my boyfriend’s usual perverted jokes throughout the day have been irritating me. This happens right before bed, after he’s kept me awake for three hours past when I wanted to go to sleep.)

Boyfriend: “You wanna have sex?”

Me: *groans tiredly* “Honey, I’m sorry. I’m so tired, and I’ve been in a bad mood all day, so we haven’t really been getting along. I wish you’d asked earlier while I was still awake, at least.”

Boyfriend: *sweetly, but disappointed* “It’s okay, sweetie.” *gives me a kiss* “Goodnight.”

(He rolls over to go to sleep. After about three full minutes of complete silence, he rips a huge fart.)

Me: *laughs for the first time all day*

Boyfriend: *cutely* “I love you!”

Me: *laughing so hard I can’t even respond*

(Somehow that fart, his cuteness that followed, and him making me laugh managed to undo my day’s frump, and I happily honored his request for sexy time. When I told him later that what had put me in the mood was his fart, he made a grossed-out face and told me how weird I am, but that he loves me anyway.)

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 14

home | Czech Republic | Romantic | September 1, 2015


(I’m in my boyfriend’s bedroom when I accidentally let out a very smelly fart.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, you know I love you, but you should go home right now.”

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 15

Car | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | June 30, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the car after spending the day together for our nine-month anniversary. He’s never really been afraid to fart in front of me, because he knows that I don’t care if he does unless I can smell it.)

Me: “That was charming….”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “I can smell that.”

Boyfriend: “But why are farts gross? They’re really just butt sneezes! They should be blessed, like regular sneezes!”

Me: “Wait… What did you just say?”

Boyfriend: “They’re butt sneezes! Think about it! People should say bless you when you fart!”

Me: “That’s going on the Internet.”

[florida80]

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 16

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2019


(A friend relayed this story to me. She and her boyfriend have gotten very close over the past three years. This is the conversation she had with him:)

Friend’s Boyfriend: *farts*

Friend: *laughs* “Why does it sound like a question?” *continues laughing*

Friend’s Boyfriend: *confused* “What? What do you mean?”

Friend: *still laughing* “It’s like your butt said, ‘Huh?’ like a question!”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Well, if my fart is the question, your fart is the answer.”

[florida80]

Taking Stock Of A Romantic Christmas

Ireland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Supermarket | Romantic | January 22, 2019


(My husband has always earned more than I have, and I do feel bad about that sometimes. For Christmas, I usually get him one or two presents that he wants, a stocking full of sweets and fiddly bits, and a few craft beers to try and make myself feel better about my lower budget. I even made the stocking a few years back. We go out shopping today, Christmas Eve, to get some drinks for a party with his family, and I notice him looking at my preferred ciders while I wrangle our toddler.)

Husband: *looking up sheepishly* “I was trying to quietly get some for your stocking.”

Me: “Joke’s on you; I don’t even have a stocking!”

Husband: *laughing* “D*** it!”

[florida80]

Husbandly Rights Are Very Wrong

Australia, Bad Behavior, New South Wales, Office, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | January 21, 2019


(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

[florida80]

Phlegm Definitely Isn’t Cute

California, Health & Body, home, Revolting, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 20, 2019


(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

[florida80]

The Price Of Flirting

Chicago, Flirting, Ignoring & Inattentive, Retail, Strangers, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2019


(I’m at a large home and garden store with my mom, buying a wedding gift for a friend. We head up to the cashier, an attractive guy around my own age. Please note that between my Asperger’s and personal issues, I have some difficulty picking up on certain social cues and whatnot.)

Sales Guy: *smiling widely* “Your total is [amount lower than I expected].”

Me: “Huh? That’s odd. I’m sorry, but are you certain that’s right? I thought it’d be closer to [actual price] with some tax.”

Mom: “Shhh!”

Me: “What? I don’t want him to get in trouble for an oversight.”

Sales Guy: *still smiling* “Nope, it’s fine; your total’s still [lower amount].”

Me: “If you’re sure…” *pays and leaves, totally baffled by the discrepancy*

(As we’re walking to our car, my mom turns to me.)

Mom: “I think that guy was flirting with you.”

Me: “Wait, seriously?!”

(I’ve never been back to that location, but whether he was just being nice or flirting, I wish I could say, “Thank you,” for the extra discount, sir, and sorry for the obliviousness!)

[florida80]

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance, Part 2

Dating, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Restaurant, UK | Right Romantic | January 19, 2019


Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “Why do you have two ice cream options?”

Me: “One is made with cow’s milk, while the other is made with coconut milk.”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is vegan-friendly and safe for those with lactose sensitivity.”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I don’t understand. Which should I get?”

Me: “I assume after the chicken you just had that you are neither vegan nor lactose intolerant, so I would suggest the ice cream made with cow’s milk.”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “No, I think I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “But your sauce was prepared with milk. Are you all right?”

Patron #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : “I think so.” *to [Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ]* “Am I?”

(I stare at both of them while [Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] face-palms.)

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I think we’ll risk it.”

(I bring them their ice cream. Half an hour later I am asked to bring the bill, and [Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] offers to pay with a card. I take him to the reader.)

Me: “Are you sure he’s all right? I don’t want him to get sick.”

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “I don’t think he knows what it means, so I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be fine.”

Me: *worried* “Oh, I thought you knew each other. I shouldn’t have suggested the cow’s milk.”

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “No, seriously. Even if he is lactose intolerant, I doubt there’s enough going on in there to make the connection. I think I’ve actually gotten dumber just spending the night with him.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, please let us know if there are any problems.”

Patron #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : “Sure, although I doubt I’ll see him after tonight. I don’t know if I’ll ever use Grindr again!”

Related:
Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance

[florida80]

Tooth And Brain Decay

California, Extra Stupid, Great Stuff, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2019


(My husband has just had some dental work done. He wants to brush his teeth, but we use electric toothbrushes, and he thinks those will be too harsh on his tender gums.)

Husband: “Babe, do we have any non-electric toothbrushes?”

Me: “Yes, I think so, behind the bathroom door in the cubbyholes.”

Husband: “Oh, darn. None there.”

Me: “Well… you could use your electric one and not turn it on?”

Husband: “Oh, jeeze. I should have thought of that! I think the dentist injected Novocain into my brain.”

[florida80]

Hot Enough To Burn

Bosses & Owners, Comeuppance, Harassment, Non-Dialogue, Noord Brabant, School, The Netherlands | Romantic | January 17, 2019


This happened in 2003. I am male and had one male boss who was in his sixties and about 1,50 meters — five feet — tall. We were the IT-guys at a school.

One day we got a trainee, a lovely and beautiful girl about 18 years old who would be helping us for the next ten months. My boss was notorious for his sexist and creepy “compliments” he gave to women. He already had received several warnings but sadly, there was no way to fire him because his behaviour was just annoying but not considered sexual harassment at that time.

My boss began hitting on the trainee with all sorts of cheesy remarks. The first time I heard it, I immediately told him to shut up or I’d tell his wife. Visibly embarrassed, he left the room and I thought that was the end of it.

A few days later I found the trainee in tears behind her desk. You’ve already guessed it: the boss wasn’t planning on stopping his creepy behaviour. I really felt sorry for the girl because as far as I could judge she could become one h*** of a sys-admin.

That evening I spoke about this to my wife. She had some creepy and sexist remarks from my boss when she sometimes came to school to pick me up, so she could imagine how the girl must feel. Suddenly she began to laugh, took some paper, and wrote some lines down.

She gave it to me and said, “Have your trainee learn these lines by heart. The next time he’s bothering her again, she must say them in a very loud voice.”

The next day I gave the paper to the trainee and told her what to do. She read the lines, began to laugh, and said she couldn’t say those things to the boss. I told her that if she wanted to stay here without the crap my boss was giving her, she had no other options. We could report my boss, and he would get another warning, but nothing would change. The trainee wanted to stay at our school so she began to memorize the lines.

It was Friday, and she said she would study the lines over the weekend. The next Monday we started work and my boss phoned that he wouldn’t come in until lunchtime. Fine. Lunchtime came and the trainee and I went for a coffee in the break room. Most of the teachers and the principal were there, too, so we had to wait in line.

The trainee poured herself a coffee, and as if on cue there was the boss, saying, “Oh, such a hot girl shouldn’t drink hot coffee. I can’t handle you if you’re too hot.” The trainee turned around and yelled at him:

“Now, you listen, you oversexed, over-aged, undersized albino smurf! I don’t want to hear your foul mouth ever again. I’ve had enough of you, creep. Leave me alone or I’ll drown you in the first toilet bowl I can find. It would take just one flush to get rid of the body.”

The room went silent for a moment, and next, there was hysterical laughter and clapping.

The boss made an exit and the principal went after him. When we came back from lunch, there was a note on my desk that the boss had decided to take some time off to evaluate his career.

The last we heard was that he had applied for early retirement without a goodbye party. I asked my wife where she got those lines from.

She said, “You know how sometimes you only come up with good lines long after the fact? I’ve had these lines prepared just in case I ever met your boss again. I never expected them to work so efficiently.”

[florida80]

So Excited They Could Puke

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Car, Health & Body, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 16, 2019


(I am on my second day of severe food poisoning when my girlfriend and I decide we absolutely have to go to the urgent care to get me feeling better, knowing I have to get at least an IV. Two weeks ago, I purchased an engagement ring and had been planning on proposing the day I got sick. Being overly romantic is something I have never been accused of, and this time is no different. We are halfway down the highway to urgent care when I painfully shift towards her in the car and pull out the ring. She takes one look at it and nearly drives us into the wall in shock… and holds out her right hand.)

Me: “No… I actually do mean the other hand…”

(She starts crying and hands me her left hand, all the while trying not to crash, and I flop back down weakly into the seat.)

Me: “So… is that a yes?”

(Luckily, yes, it was a yes. When we tell the story of how we got engaged, we like to say it was only because I didn’t think I was going to live long enough to “have to actually get married

[florida80]

Technically It’s Bee Vomit, But It’s Still Sweet

Chicago, Fast Food, Love/Romance, Parents/Guardians, Punny, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 15, 2019


(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)

Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”

Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”

Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”

Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”

[florida80]

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

Mall, Nebraska, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 14, 2019


(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

[florida80]

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

Mall, Nebraska, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 14, 2019


(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

[florida80]

Just Be Present

home, Maryland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My partner has recently suffered a nervous breakdown and their therapist has ordered them to take a day off — absolutely no work, and nothing stressful. My partner is a huge fan of surprises and hates finding out about presents early.)

Me: “If I find out you’re doing work, I swear, I will send you photos of your birthday present.”

Partner: “You really got me there, love

[florida80]

If You Still Have Underwear By Sunday You’re Not Doing It Right

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My husband has two hearing aids, and I often forget about them in the early morning before he puts them back in after showering, which makes for some interesting conversations. He is also terrible about sorting clothes when he puts laundry away, so things like socks and underwear always end up in the wrong place.)

Me: “Tomorrow’s Saturday, right? Do we have anything going on?”

Husband: *not hearing, and pulling something out of his drawer* “I have a pair of your underwear.”

(Glad those will be going on tomorrow!)

[florida80]

It Needs To Be A Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Before It’s Official

Extra Stupid, Flirting, Harassment, Hungary, School, Schoolmates, Strangers | Romantic | January 12, 2019


(I have glasses, and sometimes when they get dirty I close one of my eyes and look to see if it’s that side of the glasses or the other that’s dirty. I am walking to class and I see some blurriness, so I do the thing I mentioned. I close one of my eyes and look. Then I notice a boy looking funny at me. I brush it off because not everyone does what I do. It is later that day when I am waiting in the hall and browsing NotAlwaysRight. The same guy I saw sits down next to me and starts to lean in and play bad music on his speaker. I just keep sitting there, still reading.)

Guy: “Soooo… a couple of hours ago…”

Me: *looks up and waits for him to continue*

Guy: *raises eyebrow*

Me: *still waiting*

Guy: *starts to lean in, probably for a kiss*

Me: “Uh. You okay?”

Guy: “Yeah? Why? You scared?”

Me: “No, just confused.”

Guy: “What’s confusing? You were winking at me just a while ago!”

Me: “…” *remembers this is the same dude as before* “Sorry, I was just looking through my glasses.”

Guy: “Yeah, right.” *stands up and starts to leave*

Me: “Well… good luck to the next girl you want to randomly kiss in the hall.”

Guy: *looks at me surprised and hurries away*

(Peeps, if you think someone is winking at you, that doesn’t mean you can just kiss ’em.)

[florida80]

They Both Want A Piece Of The Action

home, New York, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 11, 2019


(I am a fairly large-chested woman. My husband and I are medieval re-enactors, discussing the type of costumes I’d like him to make for me. We’ve settled on a style of men’s clothing that includes a codpiece.)

Husband: “I promise I won’t go overboard on the codpiece.”

Me: “Thank you. I’d like to enter the room at the same time as it does.”

Husband: *indicating my chest* “Just so you know, that gives me a lot of leeways.”


Me: “Fine. I don’t want to see it past my boobs

[florida80]

Needs To Reorient Their Detective Skills

Chicago, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Illinois, Police, Police Station, Spouses & Partners, USA | Friendly Legal Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My cousin is a very masculine, straight-acting police officer. The following exchange takes place in his precinct.)

Officer: “God, my wife is driving me nuts. Women, huh? Doesn’t your wife just make you crazy sometimes?”

Cousin: “I don’t have a wife.”

Officer: “Ah, sorry, I saw the ring. Divorced, huh?”

Cousin: “No.”

Officer: “Oh. Widowed?”

Cousin: “No, I’m definitely still married.”

Officer: *now very confused* “So, you do have a wife?”

Cousin: *starting to snicker at the routine* “No.”

Officer: *as several other cops within earshot also start to crack up* “I don’t understand.”

Sergeant: *yelling in exasperation* “He’s married to a man and therefore has a husband! Jesus Christ, [Officer], how do you expect to make detective with those deductive reasoning skills?”

Officer: “Ohhhhh.”

[florida80]

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

[florida80]

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

[florida80]

You Have Her Cornered

Boston, Extra Stupid, Geography, home, Massachusetts, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 9, 2019


(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

[florida80]

Appallingly Unaware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Language & Words, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | January 8, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

[florida80]

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

Harassment, home, Phone, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2019


(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise

[florida80]

Just Axing For Trouble

Bizarre, Harassment, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Park, Strangers | Romantic | January 6, 2019


This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

[florida80]

Assisted Living And Leaving

Assisted Living, Michigan, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2019


(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

[florida80]

An Affair To Dismember

Bad Behavior, Canada, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, home | Romantic | January 4, 2019


(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”

[florida80]

I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

Bizarre, Games, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2019


(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

[florida80]

Informative About The Current State Of Humanity

Austria, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Bus, Extra Stupid, Vienna | Romantic | January 2, 2019


(I am on a bus when I overhear these bits and pieces of a conversation between a man and his girlfriend. Apparently the man has bought a children’s ticket — don’t know what for — for himself and is now angry that he’ll have to pay a fine. Apparently it’s really unclear that a man in his 30s probably doesn’t qualify for a children’s ticket. And then he says this gem:)

Man: “It’s not my fault I don’t inform myself!”

[florida80]

This Party Has Gone To The Dogs

Alcohol, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 30, 2018


(My boyfriend and I both really want a dog, but between our crazy work hours, we just wouldn’t be able to take care of one. We’re at my parents’ house for a party, and although [Boyfriend] is usually good at pacing himself, tonight, he gets very drunk, and proceeds to spend the next hour petting my parents’ dog — who is loving the attention — and telling her what a good girl she is. I’m helping my parents clean up when I hear him actually singing to the dog! The next day on the drive home, we’re talking about it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, I can’t believe I got that drunk. Did I do anything too embarrassing?”

Me: *laughing* “Define, ‘too embarrassing.’”

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, what did I do?!”

Me: “Nothing bad. You just got really happy and goofy, and you were petting the dog and telling her how awesome she is. You did start singing to her towards the end of the night, though.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no. I can’t believe I did that in front of your parents!”

Me: “Don’t worry; they don’t care. After you fell asleep, they both had stories about getting drunk and acting stupid in front of each other’s families. They’re definitely not about to hold it against you.”

Boyfriend: “You sure? I still feel bad.”

Me: “I’m very sure. Although…” *laughing* “You never sing to me! Or tell me how pretty and awesome I am! I’m a little jealous of the dog.”

Boyfriend: *guilty* “Of course I love you more than the dog. But… I live with you. I see you every day. I don’t get to see dogs every day; when I do, it’s an occasion!”

(I couldn’t argue the logic!)

[florida80]

Till Snore Do We Part

home, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 28, 2018


(Seeing my husband beginning to nap on the couch, I turn off the lights.)

Husband: “Ah, thanks for being so sweet to me.”

Me: *wanting to tease him* “Nah, that was total selfishness. You can’t annoy me when you’re asleep.”

(I get two steps away.)

Husband: “Snoring.”

Me: *frozen with a foot in the air* “Yep. You got me there.”

[florida80]

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

At The Checkout, Harassment, Holidays, Pennsylvania, Retail, USA | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018


(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

[florida80]

His Jokes Are Unappeeling

California, Movie Theater, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2018


(Overheard, walking out after a long movie:)

Wife: “As soon as we leave, I need to visit the bank to deposit my check.”

Husband: “But before we do that, I need to visit the bathroom to deposit my urine.”

[florida80]

Outlininder

home, Movies & TV, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2018


(A commercial for Outlander comes on while my husband is watching football. Having enjoyed the story and historical fiction in general, I get distracted and, consequently, stop what I am saying mid-sentence.)

Husband: “I guess I need to get a shirt like that?”

[florida80]

Perfume… Actually

Cheaters, Great Stuff, Holidays, Retail, UK | Right Romantic | December 24, 2018


(I am working on the fragrance counter of a large store on Christmas Eve when a man asks for my help selecting presents — women’s perfume. He tells me he needs two presents, one for under €100 and one under €20. He chooses to go over budget with the more expensive gift, and we are now browsing for the smaller gift.)

Me: “Okay, it seems you like [Fragrance #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] more than the others. It costs €25 for 75 mls, which is a little over your budget, but you do get a big bottle, which is good value.”

Customer: “Hmm… Yes, I do like it a lot more than [Fragrance #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] and [Fragrance #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ], but it is a little bit too expensive, seeing as I’ve gone over budget with the other one.”

Me: “Okay, well, we do have [Fragrance #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) ] on sale for €19.99 for 50 mls. It’s a very good brand, and a nice, medium-sized bottle.”

Customer: “Right, I’ll go with that one, then! Any chance you could gift wrap them both for me?”

Me: “Great. Let me just scan them through, and I will wrap them while we put your card through.”

(I wrap them, and then notice that the bottles are hard to tell apart when wrapped in the same paper.)

Me: “Would I be able to put a name on either gift for you, sir? They look very alike, and it might be hard to tell them apart without labeling them.”

Customer: “Oh, they do look the same! Yeah, could you put [Name #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] on the other?”

Me: “No problem. Let me just grab my pen!”

Customer: “Actually… could we swap that around? [Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] on the other?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer: *laughing* “You see one’s for the wife, and the other’s for a colleague… Can’t be mixing them up!”

Me: *smiling and joking with him* “No, you’d be in trouble if you did!”

Customer: “Yeah, the wife mightn’t mind [cheap perfume], but [Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] told me specifically to get [expensive perfume]!”

Me: “…”

(It made me wonder just how close he and his “colleague” were.)

[florida80]

In Soviet Russia, Joke Is You

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Punny, Silly, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | December 20, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are talking to the plumber about results of some water tests for lead, and about installing special filters called “curtains.”)

Boyfriend: “So, about how much does a lead curtain cost?”

Plumber: “Oh, about [price].”

Boyfriend: “That’s about the same as an iron curtain, then.”

Me: *awkward laugh*

(My boyfriend and the plumber give me funny looks.)

Me: “I thought you were making a communism joke

[florida80]

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

Bad Behavior, Cambridgeshire, College & University, England, Harassment, Health & Body, UK | Romantic | December 18, 2018


(There is a girl in my college class who was in a bad car accident when she was in her early teens, which resulted in her being heavily scarred down the left side of her body — including severe facial scarring — having a pronounced limp, and missing her left arm. Psychologically speaking, she’s sound, and she’s a very independent person, though also very quiet and polite. There’s this guy in our class who’s always jumping up to help her with everything, despite the fact she asks him not to and constantly says she doesn’t need his help and that she’s okay. Over a month later, she’s kind of given up telling him to stop because 1: she doesn’t like confrontation and 2: she’s aware it’s coming from a “good place,” so to speak. Well, that’s what we all thought, anyway. It’s just before lesson, and the guy has asked to talk to the girl alone, so she goes a little bit away to chat. Since he wants to talk to the girl alone, we all watch from a respectable distance. We can see him speaking, then her putting her hand up in front of her. And we’re like, “Oh, he just asked her out and she said no.” She goes to head back, but he stops her and talks a bit more animatedly. She’s a bit more aggressive with her hand gesture back, and walks as quickly as she can back to the group. He follows quite angrily, so we start to walk towards her, as well, just in case.)

Guy: *shouting* “But why?! I’m a nice guy! I did all those things for you!”

Girl: *firmly and fairly loudly* “I didn’t ask you to! In fact, I asked you not to, and you ignored me.”

Guy: “But I still did it! You owe me!”

Girl: “I don’t owe you anything.”

(Our male teacher has arrived at the area at this point, and is also making his way over in case he needs to intervene.)

Guy: “No one else will date you! Not with those scars! You won’t get anyone better than me! I’m willing to look past those scars; don’t think you’ll find anyone else that will!”

(There’s mass shock and everyone freezes. Someone in the group, no idea who, gasps.)

Girl: “Go suck a d**k!”

(More mass shock follows, and another gasp, though there are also some titters.)

Guy: “[Teacher]! Did you hear what she said?!”

Teacher: “You can’t suck my d**k; that’s illegal!”

(The guy stormed off. He went and complained about “bullying by classmates and the teacher” to the reception, which was quickly dropped when the situation was fully explained. He quit college soon after because others found out somehow. Don’t be a “Nice Guy.”)

[florida80]

They’re Repeatedly Phoning In Their Relationship

home, Minnesota, Phone, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 16, 2018


(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)

Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”

Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”

Wife: *calls me*

My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*

([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)

Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”

Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*

Wife: “Just so romantic!”

(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)

[florida80]

Make Her Watch The Antonio Banderas Movie Version, Instead

Books & Reading, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 14, 2018


Me: “[Friend] and I are forming a book club.”

Wife: “Who?”

Me: “[Friend, who I’ve known since childhood].”

Wife: *mumbles something*

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Sounds like a couple of losers.”

Me: “Would a couple of losers be reading something called Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton?”

Wife: “Actually, yes.”

[florida80]

Leave This Story Out Of The Family Legend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | December 12, 2018


(My boyfriend is in his last year of undergrad and studying for the GRE. I am a first-year pharmacy student. He has his General GRE exam tomorrow.)

Boyfriend: “Quick! Name a vocabulary word I should know! Go!”

Me: “Uh… ‘Sennachie.’”

Boyfriend: “The f*** is that?”

Me: “Mostly used in Scotland and Ireland to mean a professional storyteller of family genealogy, history, and legend.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I’ll be honest; I just looked up the word of the day on a dictionary site.”

Boyfriend: “You couldn’t have chosen a more realistic word to describe tone or something?”

Me: “Hey, I could have given you ‘sildenafil.’”

Boyfriend: “You also could have given me ‘magnanimous’ or ‘abstruse.’ What does yours mean? Is it a drug?”

Me: “Look it up!”

(It is the name of a brand of Viagra.)

Boyfriend: “Wow… You’re talking s*** about my d***, then? That’s how we’re playing this? I’ll go hard on you, right here, right now.”

Me: “Do you mean verbally or…?”

(He changed the subject after that.)

[florida80]

The Cartoon Is On A Never-Ending Lupin

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Movies & TV, USA | Romantic | December 10, 2018


(There’s a cartoon series that I really like, and I’ve finally talked my girlfriend into watching it with me. Note that she’s really into cars, and I’m not. We get a few episodes in, and she’s enjoying the series, when we see the main character driving for the first time, and she sits bolt upright.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! The car he’s driving! Do you know what that is?!”

Me: “Um… It’s an old car?”

Girlfriend: “That’s a Mercedes Benz SSK! That’s one of the rarest cars in the world! Less than 40 were ever made! Holy cow, I can’t believe they included that! That’s so awesome!”

(As she’s waxing poetic about the car, I remember what comes next in this episode, and freeze. Sure enough, only a minute or two after it appears onscreen, the driver crashes, and the cartoon car is totaled.)

Girlfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Girlfriend: “NOOOOOOOO!”

Me: “They wreck that car about once per episode. You’re probably not going to watch this with me anymore, are you?”

Girlfriend: “It may do bad things to my blood pressure.”

(She did eventually watch more of it with me, but the car remains a running joke between us!)

[florida80]

Their Driving Is Nothing To Sneeze At

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Car, Health & Body, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 8, 2018


(I have PTSD from being in a severe car accident as a child that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I am mostly recovered and normal as an adult. I prefer to have my wife drive on days when my PTSD is acting up. There’s just this one thing: when she’s driving and sneezes, she grips the wheel with a death grip, shuts her eyes tight, and shakes the wheel side-to-side, making the whole vehicle move side-to-side on the road. This is brown-pants-level terrifying for me. She thinks I’m being a baby about it. We have a dumb fight over it, and then get over it. The next week her parents are in town. Her father is driving us somewhere and he’s driving way above the speed limit. Suddenly, he sneezes, and in doing so, grips and shakes the wheel violently, which causes the vehicle to suddenly merge into a different lane.)

Wife: *with terror in her eyes* “Sorry about last week. You were right.”

[florida80]

Their Driving Is Nothing To Sneeze At

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Car, Health & Body, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 8, 2018


(I have PTSD from being in a severe car accident as a child that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I am mostly recovered and normal as an adult. I prefer to have my wife drive on days when my PTSD is acting up. There’s just this one thing: when she’s driving and sneezes, she grips the wheel with a death grip, shuts her eyes tight, and shakes the wheel side-to-side, making the whole vehicle move side-to-side on the road. This is brown-pants-level terrifying for me. She thinks I’m being a baby about it. We have a dumb fight over it, and then get over it. The next week her parents are in town. Her father is driving us somewhere and he’s driving way above the speed limit. Suddenly, he sneezes, and in doing so, grips and shakes the wheel violently, which causes the vehicle to suddenly merge into a different lane.)

Wife: *with terror in her eyes* “Sorry about last week. You were right.”

[florida80]

How To Get Picked Up By Guys: Look Homeless

California, Harassment, Liars/Scammers, Los Angeles, Strangers, Street, USA | Romantic | December 6, 2018


(I am out late at night, walking to a convenience store. I lead a largely nocturnal schedule so I sometimes have to go to stores at night. I live in an okay neighborhood, but not completely safe, so I do my best not to look like an attractive target for harassment or robbery. There is nothing I can do to hide being female, but I wear old frumpy clothes, going for a look somewhere between “poor” and “homeless.” This evening, about a block before I reach the store, a young guy in sweats and a hoodie, who’s casually walking in the other direction by me on the street, suddenly stops and turns to me.)

Guy: “Hey. Do you have any change to spare for me so I can take the bus?”

(It is too late for any bus line in this area to be running. I don’t carry any cash, in any case.)

Me: “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *goes on his way*

(Half a minute later, when he’s walked at least four house lengths away from me:)

Guy: “Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY!”

(I turn around and see he’s actually got his hands around the sides of his mouth to more effectively shout at me.)

Guy: “Hey! Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make a gesture that I don’t understand him.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make another gesture that I can’t hear.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(The best I could make it out in the moment, it sounded something like, “Do you wanna fight?” I was bit alarmed, and gestured again that I couldn’t hear him. Instead of doing anything sensible, like walking closer to me, the guy started making the “come here” beckoning gesture with his hands that is usually only made to little children. Having had quite enough of this dude bothering me, and having recently had another bad experience after a man made that same exact “come here” hand gesture at me and I was stupid enough to obey, I physically reared back while making a very alarmed expression, turned back around, and hurried super-fast in the opposite direction from him, to the store I was going to. Luckily, he didn’t follow me. Later, after going over the sounds in my head several times, I realized he had actually been calling at me, “Do you wanna ride?” Yes, the guy who’d just thirty seconds previously asked me to give him change so that he could take a — non-existent — bus, now decided it made sense to try to lure me in by offering me a ride.)

[florida80]

How To Get Picked Up By Guys: Look Homeless

California, Harassment, Liars/Scammers, Los Angeles, Strangers, Street, USA | Romantic | December 6, 2018


(I am out late at night, walking to a convenience store. I lead a largely nocturnal schedule so I sometimes have to go to stores at night. I live in an okay neighborhood, but not completely safe, so I do my best not to look like an attractive target for harassment or robbery. There is nothing I can do to hide being female, but I wear old frumpy clothes, going for a look somewhere between “poor” and “homeless.” This evening, about a block before I reach the store, a young guy in sweats and a hoodie, who’s casually walking in the other direction by me on the street, suddenly stops and turns to me.)

Guy: “Hey. Do you have any change to spare for me so I can take the bus?”

(It is too late for any bus line in this area to be running. I don’t carry any cash, in any case.)

Me: “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *goes on his way*

(Half a minute later, when he’s walked at least four house lengths away from me:)

Guy: “Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY!”

(I turn around and see he’s actually got his hands around the sides of his mouth to more effectively shout at me.)

Guy: “Hey! Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make a gesture that I don’t understand him.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make another gesture that I can’t hear.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(The best I could make it out in the moment, it sounded something like, “Do you wanna fight?” I was bit alarmed, and gestured again that I couldn’t hear him. Instead of doing anything sensible, like walking closer to me, the guy started making the “come here” beckoning gesture with his hands that is usually only made to little children. Having had quite enough of this dude bothering me, and having recently had another bad experience after a man made that same exact “come here” hand gesture at me and I was stupid enough to obey, I physically reared back while making a very alarmed expression, turned back around, and hurried super-fast in the opposite direction from him, to the store I was going to. Luckily, he didn’t follow me. Later, after going over the sounds in my head several times, I realized he had actually been calling at me, “Do you wanna ride?” Yes, the guy who’d just thirty seconds previously asked me to give him change so that he could take a — non-existent — bus, now decided it made sense to try to lure me in by offering me a ride.)

[florida80]

There’s No Sugar-Coating This Wasted Journey

Food & Drink, Geography, Non-Dialogue, Oklahoma, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 4, 2018


A few years ago my husband I traveled from Ireland to the USA to complete a coast-to-coast road trip. One day we stopped for lunch in a restaurant that sold every variety of soda you can think of.

At the time, I had seen a lot of talk online about the Mexican version of a popular soda; people were going crazy over it because it apparently tasted so much better than the American version. The restaurant had the Mexican version in stock — at an inflated price of course — and I decided to order one to see what the fuss was about.

My drinks arrived and I took a sip, only to find it tasted exactly like the soda at home. I asked my husband to try it, too, and he said the same thing. That’s when I realised that the Mexican version of the soda is made with real cane sugar, just like in Ireland, and the American version is made with fructose corn syrup. I basically traveled all the way to America to pay through the nose for the same drink we can get at home! My husband still hasn’t let me live it down.

[florida80]

A Recipe For Disaster

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Norfolk, USA, Virginia | Romantic | December 2, 2018


(My boyfriend says that his parents will be in town for a brief visit in two weeks and have expressed an interest in meeting me. We decide that a quiet dinner at my home would be best, which I don’t mind, as I enjoy playing host. As I’m trying to plan the menu, I keep sending my boyfriend recipe ideas and asking him about his parents’ preferences.)

Me: “Is there any food your parents particularly like or dislike? Do they like spicy food or prefer to keep it mild? Are there any foods they’re allergic to? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions I should know about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m sure anything you pick out will be wonderful and they’ll love it.”

Me: “Yes, but I also want to be considerate of their tastes.”

Boyfriend: “You’re overthinking it. You’re an awesome cook, and they’ll love whatever you make for them.”

(Realizing I’m not going to get any sort of help, I plan what I think to be a well-rounded menu complete with salad, an appetizer that contains shellfish, a main course featuring beef tenderloin, and a dessert that contains chocolate. Fast forward to the fateful evening; food-wise, everything is coming out looking delicious. I meet the parents, and while they seem to respond favorably to me, I notice between the two of them they’ve barely touched their food. I don’t want to call attention to this fact, but I’m worried something is wrong. They end up excusing themselves early, asking my boyfriend to take them back to his home. He quickly sneaks in a kiss on the way out, saying he’ll call. An hour later he calls.)

Me: “So, is everything all right? Your parents didn’t seem to like the anything I made for them and were wanting to get out of here pretty quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, the food was a bust for them. We’re at [Nearby Restaurant] right now and they’re getting something to eat. I excused myself to the bathroom to call you really quick.”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Boyfriend: “I thought your food was delicious.” *sigh* “It’s just that… Well, my father doesn’t eat any type of salad except potato salad. My mother is a pescetarian, meaning she’ll eat fish, but not meat, and the only beef my father will eat is ground beef. Not to mention the only types of side dishes he’ll eat are either pasta, potatoes, or biscuits, not vegetables like you made. Oh, and my mother is allergic to chocolate.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *annoyed* “And you didn’t think any of this information was important enough to tell me when I was planning the menu? I asked you about these things and was told, ‘whatever I make is fine.’”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I f***** up, didn’t I?”

Me: “Big time.”

(And that’s the story of how I first met — and starved — my in-laws. Since I’ve been with their son, they’ve come to love the dishes I make, as long as I keep their preferences and dietary restrictions in mind.)

[florida80]

Why Did You Have To Be Such A D**k?

Coworkers, Harassment, Kansas, Non-Dialogue, Office, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | November 30, 2018


I have been working at my current company for about three years now as a trainer. This company seems to experience higher-than-average turnover due to the stress of the job and lack of management. I recently announced that I will be leaving this company to become a trainer elsewhere. As soon as I announced that I was leaving, one of the employees I trained started acting a little “friendly.” It seems that he has always had a crush on me, but has kept it professional.

When he heard that I was leaving, he asked me to go get a drink with him, multiple times. I turned down each request, as I am married; he is even friends with my husband. However, tonight I received a direct message from him on Facebook, followed by a picture notification. Dreading what it contained, I had my husband open it. Yep. Dick pic. It was accompanied by a message saying, “You always make me laugh. I wish you weren’t leaving.”

Yeah, this is going to HR in the morning.

[florida80]

Dressed To Impressionable

Hotel, Parents/Guardians, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 28, 2018


(This takes place in the midwest of the USA in the 1970s. I wasn’t born at the time this story took place but I’ve heard it multiple times. My father is your stereotypical New Englander, which includes hating to spend money. When my parents first met, my dad owned two suits; he’d wear one all week, then take it to the dry cleaners and wear the second for a week. He also had only one belt, which Mom says “was held together by about 200 staples,” because he refused to spend money on a new belt. One of the first things she did when they got married was buy him several new suits. He has to go on a business trip and this is what happens when he returns.)

Dad: “You dressed me too nicely!”

Mom: “Why? What happened?”

Dad: “When I got into the elevator, a woman got in with me, leaned over, and whispered how nice I looked and asked if I would like to go back to her room!”

Mom: *trying not to laugh at Dad’s ignorance* “Honey, that was a prostitute!”

[florida80]

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

[florida80]

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

[florida80]

You Have Her Cornered

Boston, Extra Stupid, Geography, home, Massachusetts, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 9, 2019


(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

[florida80]

Appallingly Unaware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Language & Words, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | January 8, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

[florida80]

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

Harassment, home, Phone, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2019


(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise.)

[florida80]

Just Axing For Trouble

Bizarre, Harassment, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Park, Strangers | Romantic | January 6, 2019


This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

[florida80]

Assisted Living And Leaving

Assisted Living, Michigan, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2019


(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

[florida80]

An Affair To Dismember

Bad Behavior, Canada, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, home | Romantic | January 4, 2019


(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”



1 Thumbs


350

VOTES


Share on Facebook

Share on Twitter

Share on Reddit






63

[florida80]

I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

Bizarre, Games, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2019


(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

[florida80]

Informative About The Current State Of Humanity

Austria, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Bus, Extra Stupid, Vienna | Romantic | January 2, 2019


(I am on a bus when I overhear these bits and pieces of a conversation between a man and his girlfriend. Apparently the man has bought a children’s ticket — don’t know what for — for himself and is now angry that he’ll have to pay a fine. Apparently it’s really unclear that a man in his 30s probably doesn’t qualify for a children’s ticket. And then he says this gem:)

Man: “It’s not my fault I don’t inform myself!”

[florida80]

About To Be NewlyDead

Engaged, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, New York, USA | Romantic | January 1, 2019


(After dating a year and a half, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, or rather I am. My husband mentions he wants to hire some of his friends who run a photography and DJ business. Other than that, he generally says, “Whatever you want, dear.” All my efforts to get him more involved with any other aspects come to naught. I ask him to contact his friend while I do all the other bits. As the wedding date comes closer, I realize he hasn’t contacted his friends; he’d expected me to do that, as well, since I was the one “planning everything.” I freak out a little because it is so close to the wedding and his friends are now booked up. I scramble to find replacements for the photographer and DJ. At this point my husband-to-be catches on to how stressful the planning has been, and the following conversation occurs.)

Fiancé: “You are really stressing out over this, aren’t you? You know you don’t have to do it all on your own.”

(I feel the ball of stress that has been sitting in my chest for the last few weeks loosening a little bit.)

Me: “Thank you, I—“

Fiancé: *continuing his thought* “Just ask my mom for whatever help you need!”

(So close, yet so spectacularly missing the point.)

[florida80]

About To Be NewlyDead

Engaged, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, New York, USA | Romantic | January 1, 2019


(After dating a year and a half, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, or rather I am. My husband mentions he wants to hire some of his friends who run a photography and DJ business. Other than that, he generally says, “Whatever you want, dear.” All my efforts to get him more involved with any other aspects come to naught. I ask him to contact his friend while I do all the other bits. As the wedding date comes closer, I realize he hasn’t contacted his friends; he’d expected me to do that, as well, since I was the one “planning everything.” I freak out a little because it is so close to the wedding and his friends are now booked up. I scramble to find replacements for the photographer and DJ. At this point my husband-to-be catches on to how stressful the planning has been, and the following conversation occurs.)

Fiancé: “You are really stressing out over this, aren’t you? You know you don’t have to do it all on your own.”

(I feel the ball of stress that has been sitting in my chest for the last few weeks loosening a little bit.)

Me: “Thank you, I—“

Fiancé: *continuing his thought* “Just ask my mom for whatever help you need!”

(So close, yet so spectacularly missing the point.)

[florida80]

This Party Has Gone To The Dogs

Alcohol, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 30, 2018


(My boyfriend and I both really want a dog, but between our crazy work hours, we just wouldn’t be able to take care of one. We’re at my parents’ house for a party, and although [Boyfriend] is usually good at pacing himself, tonight, he gets very drunk, and proceeds to spend the next hour petting my parents’ dog — who is loving the attention — and telling her what a good girl she is. I’m helping my parents clean up when I hear him actually singing to the dog! The next day on the drive home, we’re talking about it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, I can’t believe I got that drunk. Did I do anything too embarrassing?”

Me: *laughing* “Define, ‘too embarrassing.’”

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, what did I do?!”

Me: “Nothing bad. You just got really happy and goofy, and you were petting the dog and telling her how awesome she is. You did start singing to her towards the end of the night, though.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no. I can’t believe I did that in front of your parents!”

Me: “Don’t worry; they don’t care. After you fell asleep, they both had stories about getting drunk and acting stupid in front of each other’s families. They’re definitely not about to hold it against you.”

Boyfriend: “You sure? I still feel bad.”

Me: “I’m very sure. Although…” *laughing* “You never sing to me! Or tell me how pretty and awesome I am! I’m a little jealous of the dog.”

Boyfriend: *guilty* “Of course I love you more than the dog. But… I live with you. I see you every day. I don’t get to see dogs every day; when I do, it’s an occasion!”

(I couldn’t argue the logic!)

[florida80]

Till Snore Do We Part

home, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 28, 2018


(Seeing my husband beginning to nap on the couch, I turn off the lights.)

Husband: “Ah, thanks for being so sweet to me.”

Me: *wanting to tease him* “Nah, that was total selfishness. You can’t annoy me when you’re asleep.”

(I get two steps away.)

Husband: “Snoring.”

Me: *frozen with a foot in the air* “Yep. You got me there

[florida80]

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

At The Checkout, Harassment, Holidays, Pennsylvania, Retail, USA | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018


(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

[florida80]

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

At The Checkout, Harassment, Holidays, Pennsylvania, Retail, USA | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018


(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

[florida80]

Oh, Dear…

Chicago, Funny Names, Illinois, Office, Party, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | July 10, 2019


(One of my coworkers got married, and a few weeks later he is still very much in his honeymoon phase. Everyone in the office has heard about when he met her, when they started dating, and when they got engaged through passing comments during casual conversations, but none of us has ever met her. He decides to attend a work party and bring his wife along. The running gag all night long is his overuse of terms of endearment.)

Coworker: “Darling, can you come here?”

Coworker: “Love, come meet my manager!”

Coworker: “Did you find your phone, sweetheart?’

Coworker: “I’m just going to run to the car, babe.”

Coworker: “Honey, have you seen my keys?”

Coworker: “Sweetie, can I borrow your phone?”

Coworker: “I can’t find my wallet, dear.”

Coworker: “Sugar, can you hand me that glass?”

Coworker: “Oh, angel! Come meet [Other Coworker]!”

Coworker: “Hey, lover, what time do you want to head out?”

(Eventually…)

Wife: “[Coworker]! Do you even know my name?!”

(I feel like I have to mention that she said it jokingly. They’ve been married for about seven years now, and he still prefers pet names. I wish them the best!)

[florida80]

All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

Australia, Family & Kids, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | | Romantic | July 5, 2019


(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

[florida80]

He Was In Arizona All Along

Arizona, Awesome, Great Stuff, Mall, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 14, 2019


(While we’re at the mall, I sit down at a table to take a break while my wife wanders off to look in [National Candle Store Chain]. When she comes back, she is grinning and can barely contain her laughter.)

Me: “What are you laughing at?”

Wife: “Well, I saw a post on the Internet about a specific candle scent. Apparently, someone claimed it smelled like the perfect man. The post has a lot of replies with variations on the theme of, ‘I went and smelled it, and you were right; it is the scent of the perfect man!’ So, I was curious and had to go smell it myself.”

Me: “And? What did it smell like?”

Wife: “You!”

Me: *confused* “What?”

Wife: “It is the same scent as your body wash!”

(I don’t mean to brag, but… I have multiple people on the Internet claiming that I’m the perfect man. I still tease my wife about this.)

[florida80]

Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster Walk Into A Furniture Store…

home, Math & Science, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 11, 2019


(My husband and I are following a set of instructions that include the phrase, “Press gently, but very firmly.” We are getting frustrated by the fact that, a) it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and b) they haven’t elaborated more on HOW gently, HOW firmly, etc. It should be noted that my husband is a mechanical engineer.)

Husband: “Just how firmly do they mean?”

Me: *somewhat snarky* “’Press gently, but with a force of however many PSI…’”

(PSI stands for “Pounds per Square Inch.”)

Husband: “No, PSI would be too large for something this small. I don’t have anywhere near an inch to push on here.”

Me: “Okay… How about PS-half-inch? PS-quarter-inch?”

Husband: “That’s not going to work, either. You probably need something in metric measurements. They scale down more easily.”

Me: *a bit snarky again* “Okay, fine. PSCM? Pounds per square centimeter?”

(My husband got a horrified look on his face and told me this was why I was not an engineer. Apparently, one cannot mix metric and imperial units quite as easily as I thought. I assumed that there would be an equation that could calculate it, but apparently, such an equation would be a massive pain to work with.)

[florida80]

Attack Of The Snail Spiders

Camp, Pets & Animals, Saint Lucia, Silly, South Africa, Spouses & Partners | | Romantic | June 9, 2019


Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

[florida80]

His Jokes Are Unappeeling

California, Movie Theater, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2018


(Overheard, walking out after a long movie:)

Wife: “As soon as we leave, I need to visit the bank to deposit my check.”

Husband: “But before we do that, I need to visit the bathroom to deposit my urine.”

[florida80]

Outlininder

home, Movies & TV, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2018


(A commercial for Outlander comes on while my husband is watching football. Having enjoyed the story and historical fiction in general, I get distracted and, consequently, stop what I am saying mid-sentence.)

Husband: “I guess I need to get a shirt like that?”

[florida80]

Perfume… Actually

Cheaters, Great Stuff, Holidays, Retail, UK | Right Romantic | December 24, 2018


(I am working on the fragrance counter of a large store on Christmas Eve when a man asks for my help selecting presents — women’s perfume. He tells me he needs two presents, one for under €100 and one under €20. He chooses to go over budget with the more expensive gift, and we are now browsing for the smaller gift.)

Me: “Okay, it seems you like [Fragrance #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] more than the others. It costs €25 for 75 mls, which is a little over your budget, but you do get a big bottle, which is good value.”

Customer: “Hmm… Yes, I do like it a lot more than [Fragrance #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] and [Fragrance #3 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) ], but it is a little bit too expensive, seeing as I’ve gone over budget with the other one.”

Me: “Okay, well, we do have [Fragrance #4 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) ] on sale for €19.99 for 50 mls. It’s a very good brand, and a nice, medium-sized bottle.”

Customer: “Right, I’ll go with that one, then! Any chance you could gift wrap them both for me?”

Me: “Great. Let me just scan them through, and I will wrap them while we put your card through.”

(I wrap them, and then notice that the bottles are hard to tell apart when wrapped in the same paper.)

Me: “Would I be able to put a name on either gift for you, sir? They look very alike, and it might be hard to tell them apart without labeling them.”

Customer: “Oh, they do look the same! Yeah, could you put [Name #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] on the other?”

Me: “No problem. Let me just grab my pen!”

Customer: “Actually… could we swap that around? [Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] on the other?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer: *laughing* “You see one’s for the wife, and the other’s for a colleague… Can’t be mixing them up!”

Me: *smiling and joking with him* “No, you’d be in trouble if you did!”

Customer: “Yeah, the wife mightn’t mind [cheap perfume], but [Name #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] told me specifically to get [expensive perfume]!”

Me: “…”

(It made me wonder just how close he and his “colleague” were.)

[florida80]

In Soviet Russia, Joke Is You

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Punny, Silly, USA, Wisconsin | Romantic | December 20, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are talking to the plumber about results of some water tests for lead, and about installing special filters called “curtains.”)

Boyfriend: “So, about how much does a lead curtain cost?”

Plumber: “Oh, about [price].”

Boyfriend: “That’s about the same as an iron curtain, then.”

Me: *awkward laugh*

(My boyfriend and the plumber give me funny looks.)

Me: “I thought you were making a communism joke.”

[florida80]

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

Bad Behavior, Cambridgeshire, College & University, England, Harassment, Health & Body, UK | Romantic | December 18, 2018


(There is a girl in my college class who was in a bad car accident when she was in her early teens, which resulted in her being heavily scarred down the left side of her body — including severe facial scarring — having a pronounced limp, and missing her left arm. Psychologically speaking, she’s sound, and she’s a very independent person, though also very quiet and polite. There’s this guy in our class who’s always jumping up to help her with everything, despite the fact she asks him not to and constantly says she doesn’t need his help and that she’s okay. Over a month later, she’s kind of given up telling him to stop because 1: she doesn’t like confrontation and 2: she’s aware it’s coming from a “good place,” so to speak. Well, that’s what we all thought, anyway. It’s just before lesson, and the guy has asked to talk to the girl alone, so she goes a little bit away to chat. Since he wants to talk to the girl alone, we all watch from a respectable distance. We can see him speaking, then her putting her hand up in front of her. And we’re like, “Oh, he just asked her out and she said no.” She goes to head back, but he stops her and talks a bit more animatedly. She’s a bit more aggressive with her hand gesture back, and walks as quickly as she can back to the group. He follows quite angrily, so we start to walk towards her, as well, just in case.)

Guy: *shouting* “But why?! I’m a nice guy! I did all those things for you!”

Girl: *firmly and fairly loudly* “I didn’t ask you to! In fact, I asked you not to, and you ignored me.”

Guy: “But I still did it! You owe me!”

Girl: “I don’t owe you anything.”

(Our male teacher has arrived at the area at this point, and is also making his way over in case he needs to intervene.)

Guy: “No one else will date you! Not with those scars! You won’t get anyone better than me! I’m willing to look past those scars; don’t think you’ll find anyone else that will!”

(There’s mass shock and everyone freezes. Someone in the group, no idea who, gasps.)

Girl: “Go suck a d**k!”

(More mass shock follows, and another gasp, though there are also some titters.)

Guy: “[Teacher]! Did you hear what she said?!”

Teacher: “You can’t suck my d**k; that’s illegal!”

(The guy stormed off. He went and complained about “bullying by classmates and the teacher” to the reception, which was quickly dropped when the situation was fully explained. He quit college soon after because others found out somehow. Don’t be a “Nice Guy.”)

[florida80]

They’re Repeatedly Phoning In Their Relationship

home, Minnesota, Phone, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 16, 2018


(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)

Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”

Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”

Wife: *calls me*

My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*

([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)

Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”

Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*

Wife: “Just so romantic!”

(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)

[florida80]

Make Her Watch The Antonio Banderas Movie Version, Instead

Books & Reading, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 14, 2018


Me: “[Friend] and I are forming a book club.”

Wife: “Who?”

Me: “[Friend, who I’ve known since childhood].”

Wife: *mumbles something*

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Sounds like a couple of losers.”

Me: “Would a couple of losers be reading something called Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton?”

Wife: “Actually, yes.”

[florida80]

Leave This Story Out Of The Family Legend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | December 12, 2018


(My boyfriend is in his last year of undergrad and studying for the GRE. I am a first-year pharmacy student. He has his General GRE exam tomorrow.)

Boyfriend: “Quick! Name a vocabulary word I should know! Go!”

Me: “Uh… ‘Sennachie.’”

Boyfriend: “The f*** is that?”

Me: “Mostly used in Scotland and Ireland to mean a professional storyteller of family genealogy, history, and legend.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I’ll be honest; I just looked up the word of the day on a dictionary site.”

Boyfriend: “You couldn’t have chosen a more realistic word to describe tone or something?”

Me: “Hey, I could have given you ‘sildenafil.’”

Boyfriend: “You also could have given me ‘magnanimous’ or ‘abstruse.’ What does yours mean? Is it a drug?”

Me: “Look it up!”

(It is the name of a brand of Viagra.)

Boyfriend: “Wow… You’re talking s*** about my d***, then? That’s how we’re playing this? I’ll go hard on you, right here, right now.”

Me: “Do you mean verbally or…?”

(He changed the subject after that.)

[florida80]

The Cartoon Is On A Never-Ending Lupin

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Movies & TV, USA | Romantic | December 10, 2018


(There’s a cartoon series that I really like, and I’ve finally talked my girlfriend into watching it with me. Note that she’s really into cars, and I’m not. We get a few episodes in, and she’s enjoying the series, when we see the main character driving for the first time, and she sits bolt upright.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! The car he’s driving! Do you know what that is?!”

Me: “Um… It’s an old car?”

Girlfriend: “That’s a Mercedes Benz SSK! That’s one of the rarest cars in the world! Less than 40 were ever made! Holy cow, I can’t believe they included that! That’s so awesome!”

(As she’s waxing poetic about the car, I remember what comes next in this episode, and freeze. Sure enough, only a minute or two after it appears onscreen, the driver crashes, and the cartoon car is totaled.)

Girlfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Girlfriend: “NOOOOOOOO!”

Me: “They wreck that car about once per episode. You’re probably not going to watch this with me anymore, are you?”

Girlfriend: “It may do bad things to my blood pressure.”

(She did eventually watch more of it with me, but the car remains a running joke between us!)

[florida80]

Their Driving Is Nothing To Sneeze At

Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Car, Health & Body, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 8, 2018


(I have PTSD from being in a severe car accident as a child that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I am mostly recovered and normal as an adult. I prefer to have my wife drive on days when my PTSD is acting up. There’s just this one thing: when she’s driving and sneezes, she grips the wheel with a death grip, shuts her eyes tight, and shakes the wheel side-to-side, making the whole vehicle move side-to-side on the road. This is brown-pants-level terrifying for me. She thinks I’m being a baby about it. We have a dumb fight over it, and then get over it. The next week her parents are in town. Her father is driving us somewhere and he’s driving way above the speed limit. Suddenly, he sneezes, and in doing so, grips and shakes the wheel violently, which causes the vehicle to suddenly merge into a different lane.)

Wife: *with terror in her eyes* “Sorry about last week. You were right.”

[florida80]

How To Get Picked Up By Guys: Look Homeless

California, Harassment, Liars/Scammers, Los Angeles, Strangers, Street, USA | Romantic | December 6, 2018


(I am out late at night, walking to a convenience store. I lead a largely nocturnal schedule so I sometimes have to go to stores at night. I live in an okay neighborhood, but not completely safe, so I do my best not to look like an attractive target for harassment or robbery. There is nothing I can do to hide being female, but I wear old frumpy clothes, going for a look somewhere between “poor” and “homeless.” This evening, about a block before I reach the store, a young guy in sweats and a hoodie, who’s casually walking in the other direction by me on the street, suddenly stops and turns to me.)

Guy: “Hey. Do you have any change to spare for me so I can take the bus?”

(It is too late for any bus line in this area to be running. I don’t carry any cash, in any case.)

Me: “No, I don’t. Sorry.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *goes on his way*

(Half a minute later, when he’s walked at least four house lengths away from me:)

Guy: “Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY!”

(I turn around and see he’s actually got his hands around the sides of his mouth to more effectively shout at me.)

Guy: “Hey! Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make a gesture that I don’t understand him.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(I make another gesture that I can’t hear.)

Guy: “Do you wanna [unintelligible]?”

(The best I could make it out in the moment, it sounded something like, “Do you wanna fight?” I was bit alarmed, and gestured again that I couldn’t hear him. Instead of doing anything sensible, like walking closer to me, the guy started making the “come here” beckoning gesture with his hands that is usually only made to little children. Having had quite enough of this dude bothering me, and having recently had another bad experience after a man made that same exact “come here” hand gesture at me and I was stupid enough to obey, I physically reared back while making a very alarmed expression, turned back around, and hurried super-fast in the opposite direction from him, to the store I was going to. Luckily, he didn’t follow me. Later, after going over the sounds in my head several times, I realized he had actually been calling at me, “Do you wanna ride?” Yes, the guy who’d just thirty seconds previously asked me to give him change so that he could take a — non-existent — bus, now decided it made sense to try to lure me in by offering me a ride.)

[florida80]

There’s No Sugar-Coating This Wasted Journey

Food & Drink, Geography, Non-Dialogue, Oklahoma, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 4, 2018


A few years ago my husband I traveled from Ireland to the USA to complete a coast-to-coast road trip. One day we stopped for lunch in a restaurant that sold every variety of soda you can think of.

At the time, I had seen a lot of talk online about the Mexican version of a popular soda; people were going crazy over it because it apparently tasted so much better than the American version. The restaurant had the Mexican version in stock — at an inflated price of course — and I decided to order one to see what the fuss was about.

My drinks arrived and I took a sip, only to find it tasted exactly like the soda at home. I asked my husband to try it, too, and he said the same thing. That’s when I realised that the Mexican version of the soda is made with real cane sugar, just like in Ireland, and the American version is made with fructose corn syrup. I basically traveled all the way to America to pay through the nose for the same drink we can get at home! My husband still hasn’t let me live it down

[florida80]

A Recipe For Disaster

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Norfolk, USA, Virginia | Romantic | December 2, 2018


(My boyfriend says that his parents will be in town for a brief visit in two weeks and have expressed an interest in meeting me. We decide that a quiet dinner at my home would be best, which I don’t mind, as I enjoy playing host. As I’m trying to plan the menu, I keep sending my boyfriend recipe ideas and asking him about his parents’ preferences.)

Me: “Is there any food your parents particularly like or dislike? Do they like spicy food or prefer to keep it mild? Are there any foods they’re allergic to? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions I should know about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m sure anything you pick out will be wonderful and they’ll love it.”

Me: “Yes, but I also want to be considerate of their tastes.”

Boyfriend: “You’re overthinking it. You’re an awesome cook, and they’ll love whatever you make for them.”

(Realizing I’m not going to get any sort of help, I plan what I think to be a well-rounded menu complete with salad, an appetizer that contains shellfish, a main course featuring beef tenderloin, and a dessert that contains chocolate. Fast forward to the fateful evening; food-wise, everything is coming out looking delicious. I meet the parents, and while they seem to respond favorably to me, I notice between the two of them they’ve barely touched their food. I don’t want to call attention to this fact, but I’m worried something is wrong. They end up excusing themselves early, asking my boyfriend to take them back to his home. He quickly sneaks in a kiss on the way out, saying he’ll call. An hour later he calls.)

Me: “So, is everything all right? Your parents didn’t seem to like the anything I made for them and were wanting to get out of here pretty quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, the food was a bust for them. We’re at [Nearby Restaurant] right now and they’re getting something to eat. I excused myself to the bathroom to call you really quick.”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Boyfriend: “I thought your food was delicious.” *sigh* “It’s just that… Well, my father doesn’t eat any type of salad except potato salad. My mother is a pescetarian, meaning she’ll eat fish, but not meat, and the only beef my father will eat is ground beef. Not to mention the only types of side dishes he’ll eat are either pasta, potatoes, or biscuits, not vegetables like you made. Oh, and my mother is allergic to chocolate.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *annoyed* “And you didn’t think any of this information was important enough to tell me when I was planning the menu? I asked you about these things and was told, ‘whatever I make is fine.’”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I f***** up, didn’t I?”

Me: “Big time.”

(And that’s the story of how I first met — and starved — my in-laws. Since I’ve been with their son, they’ve come to love the dishes I make, as long as I keep their preferences and dietary restrictions in mind.)

[florida80]

Why Did You Have To Be Such A D**k?

Coworkers, Harassment, Kansas, Non-Dialogue, Office, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | November 30, 2018


I have been working at my current company for about three years now as a trainer. This company seems to experience higher-than-average turnover due to the stress of the job and lack of management. I recently announced that I will be leaving this company to become a trainer elsewhere. As soon as I announced that I was leaving, one of the employees I trained started acting a little “friendly.” It seems that he has always had a crush on me, but has kept it professional.

When he heard that I was leaving, he asked me to go get a drink with him, multiple times. I turned down each request, as I am married; he is even friends with my husband. However, tonight I received a direct message from him on Facebook, followed by a picture notification. Dreading what it contained, I had my husband open it. Yep. Dick pic. It was accompanied by a message saying, “You always make me laugh. I wish you weren’t leaving.”

Yeah, this is going to HR in the morning.

[florida80]

Dressed To Impressionable

Hotel, Parents/Guardians, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 28, 2018


(This takes place in the midwest of the USA in the 1970s. I wasn’t born at the time this story took place but I’ve heard it multiple times. My father is your stereotypical New Englander, which includes hating to spend money. When my parents first met, my dad owned two suits; he’d wear one all week, then take it to the dry cleaners and wear the second for a week. He also had only one belt, which Mom says “was held together by about 200 staples,” because he refused to spend money on a new belt. One of the first things she did when they got married was buy him several new suits. He has to go on a business trip and this is what happens when he returns.)

Dad: “You dressed me too nicely!”

Mom: “Why? What happened?”

Dad: “When I got into the elevator, a woman got in with me, leaned over, and whispered how nice I looked and asked if I would like to go back to her room!”

Mom: *trying not to laugh at Dad’s ignorance* “Honey, that was a prostitute!”

[florida80]

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

[florida80]

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

Ballet, Geeks Rule, Musical Mayhem, New York, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 24, 2018


(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

[florida80]

It’s About The Turkey, See The Stuffing, The Potatoes Are So Mellow, I Yam What I Yam

Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | November 22, 2018


In memory of our little experiment with a different style of titles, we offer up a Thanksgiving spread of stories with absolutely normal titles. Feast upon some of our best-loved tales of the foods of Thanksgiving, including some all-time favorites!

Talking Turkey – Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Going Red About The Green – What’s the matter, pumpkin pie?

A Barrel Of Laughs – By any chance, did the writer fall in… and were they wearing green? It would explain the previous story…

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving – Fare is fair!

Pranksgiving – That’s not how a turducken works.

Not Talking Enough Turkey – He likes his turkey as dry as a martini, but hold the booze and give it to the poor server!

A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies – He likes his cookies like… Wait. Never mind.

Wasn’t Born In The Pumpkin Patch – Guess he won’t get a visit from The Great Pumpkin, either.

With Great Bacon Comes Great Responsibility – Some love it. Some hate it. Some say everything is better with bacon.

A Monster Mash Potato – We think it sounds tasty…

More Thanks-taking Than Thanksgiving – This story of turkey-grabbing mayhem is a favorite for good reason!



We give thanks for the things we have, the friends and family we love, and the end of those goofy titles. Now, let’s eat!

[florida80]

Getting Cross-Eyed At The Crossing

Car, Engaged, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Romantic | November 22, 2018


(My fiancé and I are in the car with my fiancé in the driver’s seat. We are heading down a long road that has at least two traffic light crossings very close together. As we are approaching the first set of lights, they turn red, but the car is not slowing down. Slightly panicked, I alert my fiancé.)

Me: *voice rising in pitch* “You’re going to run a red light, [Fiancé]!”

(He slams on the brakes and comes to a sharp halt just before the crossing, staring ahead.)

Fiancé: “That could’ve been bad.”

(I notice that on the other side of the crossing, waiting for the light to turn green, is a police car.)

Me: “I can’t believe you almost ran a red light in front of a cop! Did you not see that it was red?”

Fiancé: *sheepishly* “All I saw was green. I saw the cop car… just not the red light.”

Me: “Are you colourblind?”

(My fiancé eventually explains that he was looking ahead at the second crossing, which was green, and completely forgot about the crossing he was approaching. He was very glad I stopped him from running a red light in full view of a police car. This will make for a great story to bring up next time he criticises my driving skills.)

[florida80]

Need To Put More Than A Hundred Feet Between Me And You

California, Gas Station, Harassment, Los Angeles, Strangers, USA | Romantic | November 20, 2018


(My car’s gas gauge is wonky, and one time my car unexpectedly runs out of gas while on the road, around early afternoon. Luckily, traffic is sparse and I am in my neighborhood, maybe 100 feet from a gas station. I manage to park on the side of the street, fish my empty gas can out of the backseat, and walk the 100 feet across an intersection to the gas station. As I’m crouching down near one of the pumps, filling up the gas can, some dude suddenly looms right over my head. I can see his pickup truck with its door open parked right behind him; it’s obvious he’s not an employee here. It’s just as obvious that he’s not here to get gas, himself.)

Dude: “Uh… so… Um-hmm…”

(I ignore him and pretend to be terribly busy. Nothing good has EVER come to me from talking to strange men.)

Dude: *inching even closer to me* “Uhh… Um-HEM! HI! HELLO! MISS!”

(I sigh. Clearly he’s not going away.)

Me: *side-eyeing him* “Yes?”

Dude: *suggestively* “Soooo… I just saw you walking down the street with your gas can while I was driving.”

(There is a very expectant pause while he’s staring at me hard enough that it’s almost like he’s attempting hypnosis. Already knowing where this is going, I put on a sweet, condescending tone of voice and a fake smile.)

Me: “That’s great for you!”

(I immediately dropped the smile and turned away from him again. He was somewhat flustered at this, but wouldn’t you just know it – he persisted in repeatedly offering me “a ride” to my car, anyway. Shockingly, I said no. Several times over. He finally left, with extreme reluctance. I have a very high skepticism that it’s even possible he didn’t see how close my car was parked, but frankly, even if I had to walk 100 miles instead of 100 feet, I’d never have agreed to get into his truck. 100 feet! That’s how little it takes to have a creep notice you walking alone down a street and decide to follow you in his car!)

[florida80]

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Long Distance, Phone, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 18, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

[florida80]

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

California, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vet | Romantic | November 16, 2018


(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)

[florida80]

Got His Seven-Up!

home, New York, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 14, 2018


(My husband and I are eating a dinner of steak and garden peas together. Midway through the meal, he throws a couple of peas at me.)

Husband: *giggles* “I just peed on you!”

(A few minutes later he picks up his soda, glancing seductively at me.)

Husband: “Maybe later I’ll ‘mount-and-do’ you.”

(I’m so glad I found someone who enjoys the same humor as I do.)

[florida80]

That’s Some Really Crappy Sex

Flirting, home, New York, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 12, 2018


(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

[florida80]

Victory Cream!

Health & Body, home, Ireland, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | November 10, 2018


(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)

[florida80]

This Marriage Is Such A Snooze-Fest

home, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 8, 2018


My husband has an incredibly loud and powerful snore. One night, I was awake with a bad migraine when his snoring went over the top, causing intense pain in my head. I tried rolling him over, poking his shoulder, talking loudly to him, bouncing the bed, flicking water in his face… Nothing stopped the snoring. I decided to ruffle his mustache with a pencil. Thank heaven I was using the eraser end, because he rolled toward me, which allowed the pencil to go up his nose!

The snoring did stop long enough for me to go to sleep. The next morning, he had no idea what had happened until I confessed.

[florida80]

Snaking Out Of That Argument

Fights/Breakups, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | November 8, 2018


(My husband and I are in a heated argument.)

Me: *at a volume of 11* “You are so inconsiderate. Acknowledge my feelings. You’re acting like an a**hole.”

Husband: “You know, one time I removed a pair of mating snakes from under the deck because I knew it would freak you out. That was pretty considerate of me.”

Me: “Really? Well, that was nice of you. Poor snakes, breaking up their sexy party.”

(We both laughed and that was that.)

[florida80]

Nibbling On The Golden Years

Cafe, Golden Years, Scotland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | November 6, 2018


(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)

Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”

Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”

Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”

Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”

[florida80]

Not A Top-Heavy Romance

home, Love/Romance, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 4, 2018


(My husband and I are cuddling in bed, topless. He starts talking to me very tenderly and sweetly.)

Husband: “Never leave me.”

Me: “I would be the biggest fool in the world if I did.”

Husband: “Be with me forever, darling.”

Me: *kissing him* “Of course I will.”

Husband: “And never… never… put your shirt back on.”

(I cracked up. So much for the sweet, romantic mood!)

[florida80]

This Relationship Has Turned Sour (Milk)

Australia, Brisbane, Harassment, home, Jerk, Queensland | Romantic | November 2, 2018


(I have been dating my boyfriend for two years when our milkman asks me out. He and I are close to the same age, and he’s been delivering our milk for years.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I have a boyfriend.”

(A couple of weeks later he tries again.)

Milkman: “Hey. I spoke to your ‘boyfriend’ and he said it was all right for you to go out with me.”

Me: “What the h***? You really think I’m going to stuff up a two-year-long relationship on that?”

(He starts dating my best friend for a few months. She dumps him because he’s too clingy, telling me that I was lucky to avoid that. A couple of years later I get married and am back at my mother’s place for visit when he arrives to deliver the milk.)

Milkman: “Hey, [My Name]. Where have you been?”

Me: “I got married.”

Milkman: “Oh… How is it?”

Me: “Well, I’m back here”

Milkman: “Oh, how about you and I…”

Me: “I’m joking; I’m just here for a visit.”

Milkman: “Oh…”

[florida80]

Marriage Is A Sauce Of New Foods

Food & Drink, home, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 31, 2018


(My husband was not a very adventurous eater before we met, and his mom was not much on cooking. I discovered this when we were dating and I would cook dinners for us. Here are some of my favorite exchanges we’ve had.)

Husband: “What’s wrong with this apple?”

Me: “Nothing?”

Husband: “But it’s pink. Apples are only red or green.”

(It’s a pink lady apple, but he didn’t know there were more than red delicious or Granny Smith! Another time, while eating a stir fry with a peanut sauce…)

Husband: “This is good. Can I see the bottle the sauce came in so I can buy some?”

Me: “It didn’t come in a bottle, but I can give you the recipe.”

Husband: “You made this? I didn’t know a regular person could make a sauce.”

(Another time, while eating some mixed vegetables…)

Husband: “These green beans taste a little funny.”

Me: “That’s because they’re asparagus

[florida80]

When Sleeping On The Job Means Not Sleeping On The Job

Health & Body, home, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 29, 2018


(I suffer from a fatigue disorder which has only within a couple of years begun to be managed by medication. I hate napping, because if I nap for more than an hour, I can’t sleep at all the next night, and napping for less than an hour gives me a migraine. Thankfully I haven’t gotten tired enough to nap since starting the medication. It is also important to note that my wife usually has to push to get me to leave the house for work and school, as I am a massive shut-in.)

Me: “I’m not feeling well.”

Wife: “That’s okay. We have nowhere to go. Just take it easy.”

(A couple of hours later, I end up taking a nap for four hours.)

Me: “I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can go to college tomorrow.”

Wife: *uncharacteristicall y agreeable for this subject* “Okay, hun, go ahead and take the day off.”

Me: “What? No argument about my obligations?”

Wife: “If you’re sick enough to decide to take a nap, and you sleep through the night tonight, I’ll be able to tell you’re actually sick as opposed to having anxiety issues. It’s pretty simple.”

[florida80]

Looking For Par’Mach In All The Right Places

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Silly, UK | Romantic | October 27, 2018


Me: “What do you want to do?”

Boyfriend: “It’s nice outside. Let’s close the blinds and pretend we don’t know.”

(We then watched Star Trek all night.)

[florida80]

Hard To Love A Morning Person

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, Uruguay | Romantic | October 25, 2018


(I am chatting with my girlfriend while she’s in her psychology class.)

Girlfriend: “According to Freud, being in love is loving yourself, projected onto an object.”

Me: “Well, in that case, I love myself a lot.”

(I expect her to reply the same, but instead:)

Girlfriend: “In my case, it depends of the mood I get up with. I don’t love myself very much.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

You’re Being Pun-ished

home, New Zealand, Punny, Spouses & Partners, Wellington | Romantic | October 23, 2018


(Every weekday, my partner and I drive home from work together. I tend to get out and check the mail, as our mailbox isn’t that waterproof. This occurs on a rather rainy day, when I’ve just bragged about winning a pun war with some friends.)

Me: “I have another one! What kind of tree does a scientist grow? A chemis-tree!” *bursts out laughing*

Partner: “Wow, that’s pretty bad.”

(We pull up to the driveway.)

Partner: “Hey, are you going to get out today?”

Me: “It’s raining, so I—”

Partner: “Because you should.”

Me: “Too many puns?”

Partner: “Out.”

Me: “Aw, man.”

[florida80]

She Is Your True Call Of Duty

Engaged, Games, home, Silly, The Netherlands | Romantic | October 21, 2018


(My fiancé, while loving and caring, is not big on verbal declarations of love and affection. He is playing an FPS game and just lost a timed mission with a margin of two seconds.)

Fiancé: “I hate my life!”

Me: “But I’m in your life!”

Fiancé: “I hate my life a little bit less now!”

[florida80]

A Storybook Romance

Awesome, Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Proposal, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2018


(I’ve dated guys, not a lot, but enough to make me wary of being geeky or showing how much I like to read. When I say I like to read, I mean I have over a thousand books and am constantly buying more. A lot of the guys I’ve dated have told me that I should downsize my books because they don’t really want to date a girl who reads. I have been in a solid long-distance relationship for about eight months now with this guy who is really just the best thing that ever happened to me. We are discussing the fact of my lease running out in about two months and if it would be better for me to extend my lease for six months or not.)

Me: “Well, it might be better for me to do that, so that I can find a place I like better, maybe with more storage space. Though I just hate the idea of moving… so many trips to the truck and up and down the stairs… It’s horrible.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, those stairs will be killer for sure.”

Me: “I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “O…kay?”

Me: “I know that’s where your mind was going, because everyone tells me that, but I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “Did I ask you to? Did I say, ‘[My Name] I want you to be unhappy, dull, and boring; please give up the thing that makes your eyes sparkle and makes you laugh.’? Did I say I want you to stop being you?”

Me: *now embarrassed* “Well, no, but—”

Boyfriend: “No, listen. Does this make you happy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “Do you pay all your bills on time with money left over? Do you feel joy at your collection? Do you read them?”

Me: “Yes, to all of those.”

Boyfriend: “Then why on earth would I tell you to get rid of them? In fact, I think you need another book, just to get rid of this mindset that people want you to be unhappy! Get your shoes, woman; we are going to the bookstore!”

Me: *teary eyed* “I think I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

(Yes, we did end up getting a book at the bookstore. He ended up proposing that night, and I accepted!)

[florida80]

The Church Is Hangry

Church, Engaged, Language & Words, Poland | Romantic | October 17, 2018


My boyfriend and I are a multilingual couple. My first language is English, his first language is French, and the first language that we started talking to each other in was Polish, in which we’re both semi-conversational. We’re both also studying each others’ first languages to improve our communication, and between our three languages have sort of calibrated our normal conversations.

We are planning on getting married next year, and our church requires a private interview with the priest in preparation for marriage. The priest doesn’t know either of us, and speaks English fairly well, but not perfectly, and doesn’t speak any French. Our Polish isn’t really up to the high-level vocabulary of the interviews, so it’s all in English. When we’re interviewing together, everything is fine.

When it’s my turn to interview alone, we have a few difficult moments where the priest phrases a question in a weird way or pronounces a word such that I have to ask for him to repeat it a few times for me to understand, such as, “Are you agree with the church teaching about XYZ?” But overall, it’s okay. As we end the interview, I tell the priest that my boyfriend might have a bit of difficulty understanding him if he speaks very quickly, and the priest says he’s realized that and promises to speak slowly.

I sit outside the office and wait for my boyfriend’s interview to be over. After about ten minutes, the priest opens the office door and asks me if I know another word for “permanent” in French. I tell him no, but offer my phone for Google translating. He shuts the door and the interview continues for a while.

When it’s over, my boyfriend explains that the difficulty was that he heard the question as, “Are you angry with the church teaching about marriage being permanent?”

He replied, “No.”

It took a fair amount of repetition for the priest to clear that particular question up, and I learned that my boyfriend has a lot of difficulty hearing the differences between, “agree,” “angry,” and, “hungry.”

[florida80]

This Artist Is Doomed

home, Language & Words, Sillly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 26, 2018


(When my TV is on but idle, it runs a slideshow of various photos and paintings. One night when my partner and I are settling in, we turn on the TV to the image of a bright orange sunset. My partner was an art student, and often has to explain to me who famous artists are.)

Partner: “Wow. That’s pretty. It looks… Aya Surani.”

Me: “Oh? Does she shoot landscapes and stuff like this?”

Partner: *clearly confused* “Wha… No, from Lord of the Rings. It looks Eye of Sauron-y.”

(When I explained what I thought I’d heard, we had a good laugh for about five minutes. I just assumed Aya Surani was a photographer I’d never heard of. The kicker? My partner hasn’t even seen the movies or read the books!)

[florida80]

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

Ballet, Geeks Rule, Musical Mayhem, New York, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 24, 2018


(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

[florida80]

It’s About The Turkey, See The Stuffing, The Potatoes Are So Mellow, I Yam What I Yam

Roundups | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | November 22, 2018


In memory of our little experiment with a different style of titles, we offer up a Thanksgiving spread of stories with absolutely normal titles. Feast upon some of our best-loved tales of the foods of Thanksgiving, including some all-time favorites!

Talking Turkey – Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Going Red About The Green – What’s the matter, pumpkin pie?

A Barrel Of Laughs – By any chance, did the writer fall in… and were they wearing green? It would explain the previous story…

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving – Fare is fair!

Pranksgiving – That’s not how a turducken works.

Not Talking Enough Turkey – He likes his turkey as dry as a martini, but hold the booze and give it to the poor server!

A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies – He likes his cookies like… Wait. Never mind.

Wasn’t Born In The Pumpkin Patch – Guess he won’t get a visit from The Great Pumpkin, either.

With Great Bacon Comes Great Responsibility – Some love it. Some hate it. Some say everything is better with bacon.

A Monster Mash Potato – We think it sounds tasty…

More Thanks-taking Than Thanksgiving – This story of turkey-grabbing mayhem is a favorite for good reason!



We give thanks for the things we have, the friends and family we love, and the end of those goofy titles. Now, let’s eat!



Tell us your tales of Thanksgiving foods. Does your feast include something unique or different? Feel free to share the recipe, too!

[florida80]

Getting Cross-Eyed At The Crossing

Car, Engaged, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Romantic | November 22, 2018


(My fiancé and I are in the car with my fiancé in the driver’s seat. We are heading down a long road that has at least two traffic light crossings very close together. As we are approaching the first set of lights, they turn red, but the car is not slowing down. Slightly panicked, I alert my fiancé.)

Me: *voice rising in pitch* “You’re going to run a red light, [Fiancé]!”

(He slams on the brakes and comes to a sharp halt just before the crossing, staring ahead.)

Fiancé: “That could’ve been bad.”

(I notice that on the other side of the crossing, waiting for the light to turn green, is a police car.)

Me: “I can’t believe you almost ran a red light in front of a cop! Did you not see that it was red?”

Fiancé: *sheepishly* “All I saw was green. I saw the cop car… just not the red light.”

Me: “Are you colourblind?”

(My fiancé eventually explains that he was looking ahead at the second crossing, which was green, and completely forgot about the crossing he was approaching. He was very glad I stopped him from running a red light in full view of a police car. This will make for a great story to bring up next time he criticises my driving skills.)

[florida80]

Need To Put More Than A Hundred Feet Between Me And You

California, Gas Station, Harassment, Los Angeles, Strangers, USA | Romantic | November 20, 2018


(My car’s gas gauge is wonky, and one time my car unexpectedly runs out of gas while on the road, around early afternoon. Luckily, traffic is sparse and I am in my neighborhood, maybe 100 feet from a gas station. I manage to park on the side of the street, fish my empty gas can out of the backseat, and walk the 100 feet across an intersection to the gas station. As I’m crouching down near one of the pumps, filling up the gas can, some dude suddenly looms right over my head. I can see his pickup truck with its door open parked right behind him; it’s obvious he’s not an employee here. It’s just as obvious that he’s not here to get gas, himself.)

Dude: “Uh… so… Um-hmm…”

(I ignore him and pretend to be terribly busy. Nothing good has EVER come to me from talking to strange men.)

Dude: *inching even closer to me* “Uhh… Um-HEM! HI! HELLO! MISS!”

(I sigh. Clearly he’s not going away.)

Me: *side-eyeing him* “Yes?”

Dude: *suggestively* “Soooo… I just saw you walking down the street with your gas can while I was driving.”

(There is a very expectant pause while he’s staring at me hard enough that it’s almost like he’s attempting hypnosis. Already knowing where this is going, I put on a sweet, condescending tone of voice and a fake smile.)

Me: “That’s great for you!”

(I immediately dropped the smile and turned away from him again. He was somewhat flustered at this, but wouldn’t you just know it – he persisted in repeatedly offering me “a ride” to my car, anyway. Shockingly, I said no. Several times over. He finally left, with extreme reluctance. I have a very high skepticism that it’s even possible he didn’t see how close my car was parked, but frankly, even if I had to walk 100 miles instead of 100 feet, I’d never have agreed to get into his truck. 100 feet! That’s how little it takes to have a creep notice you walking alone down a street and decide to follow you in his car!)

[florida80]

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Language & Words, Long Distance, Phone, Silly, USA | Romantic | November 18, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

[florida80]

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

California, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA, Vet | Romantic | November 16, 2018


(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) ] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2 (https://www.vietbf.com/forum/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) ] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)

[florida80]

Got His Seven-Up!

home, New York, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 14, 2018


(My husband and I are eating a dinner of steak and garden peas together. Midway through the meal, he throws a couple of peas at me.)

Husband: *giggles* “I just peed on you!”

(A few minutes later he picks up his soda, glancing seductively at me.)

Husband: “Maybe later I’ll ‘mount-and-do’ you.”

(I’m so glad I found someone who enjoys the same humor as I do.)

[florida80]

That’s Some Really Crappy Sex

Flirting, home, New York, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 12, 2018


(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

[florida80]

Victory Cream!

Health & Body, home, Ireland, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | November 10, 2018


(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)

[florida80]

This Marriage Is Such A Snooze-Fest

home, Non-Dialogue, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 8, 2018


My husband has an incredibly loud and powerful snore. One night, I was awake with a bad migraine when his snoring went over the top, causing intense pain in my head. I tried rolling him over, poking his shoulder, talking loudly to him, bouncing the bed, flicking water in his face… Nothing stopped the snoring. I decided to ruffle his mustache with a pencil. Thank heaven I was using the eraser end, because he rolled toward me, which allowed the pencil to go up his nose!

The snoring did stop long enough for me to go to sleep. The next morning, he had no idea what had happened until I confessed.

[florida80]

Snaking Out Of That Argument

Fights/Breakups, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | November 8, 2018


(My husband and I are in a heated argument.)

Me: *at a volume of 11* “You are so inconsiderate. Acknowledge my feelings. You’re acting like an a**hole.”

Husband: “You know, one time I removed a pair of mating snakes from under the deck because I knew it would freak you out. That was pretty considerate of me.”

Me: “Really? Well, that was nice of you. Poor snakes, breaking up their sexy party.”

(We both laughed and that was that.)

[florida80]

Cafe, Golden Years, Scotland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, UK | Romantic | November 6, 2018


(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)

Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”

Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”

Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”

Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”

[florida80]

Not A Top-Heavy Romance

home, Love/Romance, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | November 4, 2018


(My husband and I are cuddling in bed, topless. He starts talking to me very tenderly and sweetly.)

Husband: “Never leave me.”

Me: “I would be the biggest fool in the world if I did.”

Husband: “Be with me forever, darling.”

Me: *kissing him* “Of course I will.”

Husband: “And never… never… put your shirt back on.”

(I cracked up. So much for the sweet, romantic mood!)

[florida80]

This Relationship Has Turned Sour (Milk)

Australia, Brisbane, Harassment, home, Jerk, Queensland | Romantic | November 2, 2018


(I have been dating my boyfriend for two years when our milkman asks me out. He and I are close to the same age, and he’s been delivering our milk for years.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I have a boyfriend.”

(A couple of weeks later he tries again.)

Milkman: “Hey. I spoke to your ‘boyfriend’ and he said it was all right for you to go out with me.”

Me: “What the h***? You really think I’m going to stuff up a two-year-long relationship on that?”

(He starts dating my best friend for a few months. She dumps him because he’s too clingy, telling me that I was lucky to avoid that. A couple of years later I get married and am back at my mother’s place for visit when he arrives to deliver the milk.)

Milkman: “Hey, [My Name]. Where have you been?”

Me: “I got married.”

Milkman: “Oh… How is it?”

Me: “Well, I’m back here”

Milkman: “Oh, how about you and I…”

Me: “I’m joking; I’m just here for a visit.”

Milkman: “Oh…”

[florida80]

Marriage Is A Sauce Of New Foods

Food & Drink, home, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | October 31, 2018


(My husband was not a very adventurous eater before we met, and his mom was not much on cooking. I discovered this when we were dating and I would cook dinners for us. Here are some of my favorite exchanges we’ve had.)

Husband: “What’s wrong with this apple?”

Me: “Nothing?”

Husband: “But it’s pink. Apples are only red or green.”

(It’s a pink lady apple, but he didn’t know there were more than red delicious or Granny Smith! Another time, while eating a stir fry with a peanut sauce…)

Husband: “This is good. Can I see the bottle the sauce came in so I can buy some?”

Me: “It didn’t come in a bottle, but I can give you the recipe.”

Husband: “You made this? I didn’t know a regular person could make a sauce.”

(Another time, while eating some mixed vegetables…)

Husband: “These green beans taste a little funny.”

Me: “That’s because they’re asparagus.”

[florida80]

When Sleeping On The Job Means Not Sleeping On The Job

Health & Body, home, Idaho, Pocatello, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 29, 2018


(I suffer from a fatigue disorder which has only within a couple of years begun to be managed by medication. I hate napping, because if I nap for more than an hour, I can’t sleep at all the next night, and napping for less than an hour gives me a migraine. Thankfully I haven’t gotten tired enough to nap since starting the medication. It is also important to note that my wife usually has to push to get me to leave the house for work and school, as I am a massive shut-in.)

Me: “I’m not feeling well.”

Wife: “That’s okay. We have nowhere to go. Just take it easy.”

(A couple of hours later, I end up taking a nap for four hours.)

Me: “I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can go to college tomorrow.”

Wife: *uncharacteristicall y agreeable for this subject* “Okay, hun, go ahead and take the day off.”

Me: “What? No argument about my obligations?”

Wife: “If you’re sick enough to decide to take a nap, and you sleep through the night tonight, I’ll be able to tell you’re actually sick as opposed to having anxiety issues. It’s pretty simple.”

[florida80]

Looking For Par’Mach In All The Right Places

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Silly, UK | Romantic | October 27, 2018


Me: “What do you want to do?”

Boyfriend: “It’s nice outside. Let’s close the blinds and pretend we don’t know.”

(We then watched Star Trek all night.)

[florida80]

Hard To Love A Morning Person

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, Uruguay | Romantic | October 25, 2018


(I am chatting with my girlfriend while she’s in her psychology class.)

Girlfriend: “According to Freud, being in love is loving yourself, projected onto an object.”

Me: “Well, in that case, I love myself a lot.”

(I expect her to reply the same, but instead:)

Girlfriend: “In my case, it depends of the mood I get up with. I don’t love myself very much.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

Hard To Love A Morning Person

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, Uruguay | Romantic | October 25, 2018


(I am chatting with my girlfriend while she’s in her psychology class.)

Girlfriend: “According to Freud, being in love is loving yourself, projected onto an object.”

Me: “Well, in that case, I love myself a lot.”

(I expect her to reply the same, but instead:)

Girlfriend: “In my case, it depends of the mood I get up with. I don’t love myself very much.”

Me: “…”

[florida80]

You’re Being Pun-ished

home, New Zealand, Punny, Spouses & Partners, Wellington | Romantic | October 23, 2018


(Every weekday, my partner and I drive home from work together. I tend to get out and check the mail, as our mailbox isn’t that waterproof. This occurs on a rather rainy day, when I’ve just bragged about winning a pun war with some friends.)

Me: “I have another one! What kind of tree does a scientist grow? A chemis-tree!” *bursts out laughing*

Partner: “Wow, that’s pretty bad.”

(We pull up to the driveway.)

Partner: “Hey, are you going to get out today?”

Me: “It’s raining, so I—”

Partner: “Because you should.”

Me: “Too many puns?”

Partner: “Out.”

Me: “Aw, man.”

[florida80]

She Is Your True Call Of Duty

Engaged, Games, home, Silly, The Netherlands | Romantic | October 21, 2018


(My fiancé, while loving and caring, is not big on verbal declarations of love and affection. He is playing an FPS game and just lost a timed mission with a margin of two seconds.)

Fiancé: “I hate my life!”

Me: “But I’m in your life!”

Fiancé: “I hate my life a little bit less now

[florida80]

A Storybook Romance

Awesome, Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Proposal, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2018


(I’ve dated guys, not a lot, but enough to make me wary of being geeky or showing how much I like to read. When I say I like to read, I mean I have over a thousand books and am constantly buying more. A lot of the guys I’ve dated have told me that I should downsize my books because they don’t really want to date a girl who reads. I have been in a solid long-distance relationship for about eight months now with this guy who is really just the best thing that ever happened to me. We are discussing the fact of my lease running out in about two months and if it would be better for me to extend my lease for six months or not.)

Me: “Well, it might be better for me to do that, so that I can find a place I like better, maybe with more storage space. Though I just hate the idea of moving… so many trips to the truck and up and down the stairs… It’s horrible.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, those stairs will be killer for sure.”

Me: “I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “O…kay?”

Me: “I know that’s where your mind was going, because everyone tells me that, but I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “Did I ask you to? Did I say, ‘[My Name] I want you to be unhappy, dull, and boring; please give up the thing that makes your eyes sparkle and makes you laugh.’? Did I say I want you to stop being you?”

Me: *now embarrassed* “Well, no, but—”

Boyfriend: “No, listen. Does this make you happy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “Do you pay all your bills on time with money left over? Do you feel joy at your collection? Do you read them?”

Me: “Yes, to all of those.”

Boyfriend: “Then why on earth would I tell you to get rid of them? In fact, I think you need another book, just to get rid of this mindset that people want you to be unhappy! Get your shoes, woman; we are going to the bookstore!”

Me: *teary eyed* “I think I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

(Yes, we did end up getting a book at the bookstore. He ended up proposing that night, and I accepted!)

[florida80]

A Storybook Romance

Awesome, Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Proposal, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2018


(I’ve dated guys, not a lot, but enough to make me wary of being geeky or showing how much I like to read. When I say I like to read, I mean I have over a thousand books and am constantly buying more. A lot of the guys I’ve dated have told me that I should downsize my books because they don’t really want to date a girl who reads. I have been in a solid long-distance relationship for about eight months now with this guy who is really just the best thing that ever happened to me. We are discussing the fact of my lease running out in about two months and if it would be better for me to extend my lease for six months or not.)

Me: “Well, it might be better for me to do that, so that I can find a place I like better, maybe with more storage space. Though I just hate the idea of moving… so many trips to the truck and up and down the stairs… It’s horrible.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, those stairs will be killer for sure.”

Me: “I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “O…kay?”

Me: “I know that’s where your mind was going, because everyone tells me that, but I’m not giving up my books.”

Boyfriend: “Did I ask you to? Did I say, ‘[My Name] I want you to be unhappy, dull, and boring; please give up the thing that makes your eyes sparkle and makes you laugh.’? Did I say I want you to stop being you?”

Me: *now embarrassed* “Well, no, but—”

Boyfriend: “No, listen. Does this make you happy?”

Me: “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “Do you pay all your bills on time with money left over? Do you feel joy at your collection? Do you read them?”

Me: “Yes, to all of those.”

Boyfriend: “Then why on earth would I tell you to get rid of them? In fact, I think you need another book, just to get rid of this mindset that people want you to be unhappy! Get your shoes, woman; we are going to the bookstore!”

Me: *teary eyed* “I think I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

(Yes, we did end up getting a book at the bookstore. He ended up proposing that night, and I accepted!)

[florida80]

The Church Is Hangry

Church, Engaged, Language & Words, Poland | Romantic | October 17, 2018


My boyfriend and I are a multilingual couple. My first language is English, his first language is French, and the first language that we started talking to each other in was Polish, in which we’re both semi-conversational. We’re both also studying each others’ first languages to improve our communication, and between our three languages have sort of calibrated our normal conversations.

We are planning on getting married next year, and our church requires a private interview with the priest in preparation for marriage. The priest doesn’t know either of us, and speaks English fairly well, but not perfectly, and doesn’t speak any French. Our Polish isn’t really up to the high-level vocabulary of the interviews, so it’s all in English. When we’re interviewing together, everything is fine.

When it’s my turn to interview alone, we have a few difficult moments where the priest phrases a question in a weird way or pronounces a word such that I have to ask for him to repeat it a few times for me to understand, such as, “Are you agree with the church teaching about XYZ?” But overall, it’s okay. As we end the interview, I tell the priest that my boyfriend might have a bit of difficulty understanding him if he speaks very quickly, and the priest says he’s realized that and promises to speak slowly.

I sit outside the office and wait for my boyfriend’s interview to be over. After about ten minutes, the priest opens the office door and asks me if I know another word for “permanent” in French. I tell him no, but offer my phone for Google translating. He shuts the door and the interview continues for a while.

When it’s over, my boyfriend explains that the difficulty was that he heard the question as, “Are you angry with the church teaching about marriage being permanent?”

He replied, “No.”

It took a fair amount of repetition for the priest to clear that particular question up, and I learned that my boyfriend has a lot of difficulty hearing the differences between, “agree,” “angry,” and, “hungry.”

[florida80]

The Key To A Failed Relationship

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Fights/Breakups, Retail | Romantic | October 15, 2018


(I’m standing in the front of our store, cleaning tables and cabinetry, when I hear some shouting. Across the parking lot, in front of the local corner store, a young guy and girl — probably both about twenty years old — are arguing. Not really caring and wanting to finish up, I ignore them and continue working. About two hours later I happen to look out the front door again and see a guy shirtless on the roof of the corner store. Thinking he’s doing some stupid dare with his friends who are all standing in the parking lot looking at him, I call the store.)

Store Clerk: “Hello.”

Me: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that there is some half-naked guy walking around on your roof.”

Store Clerk: “Yeah, he’s up there looking for his keys. He and his girlfriend had a fight earlier out front, and he got angry and threw his own keys on the roof somewhere.”

Me: “Oh, wow. Well, I hope he finds them, I guess. Sorry for wasting your time.”

(He came down after a couple of hours and hadn’t found his keys. His car got towed the next day. It’s now been over six months, and a set of keys are still on that roof somewhere.)

[florida80]

Playing A Game Of Political Chairs

Auckland, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, New Zealand, Politics, Silly | Romantic | October 13, 2018


(Australia’s frequent changing of Prime Ministers has become a running joke both there and in New Zealand, and they’ve just got a new one again. I’m getting ready for bed when I knock a stuffed koala off a shelf.)

Me: “Meh, I’ll just replace it. Isn’t that what the Australians do, just replace things?”

Girlfriend: “I’m going to get this for a whole month, aren’t I?”

Me: “Month? By the time that’s over, they will have gotten a new one again.”

[florida80]

Shaving Off Some Sun

Canada, home, Northern Territories, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Yellowknife | Romantic | October 11, 2018


(My husband finishes taking his shower and comes to sit next to me on the sofa.)

Me: *snuggling* “You smell so good!”

Husband: “Yeah, I ran out of shaving cream halfway through and used sunscreen, instead.”

Me: *baffled laughter*

[florida80]

In The Name Of Love, Whatever It Is

Australia, Extra Stupid, Harassment, Melbourne, Museum, Victoria | Romantic | October 9, 2018


(There’s a regular who comes in once a week or so and talks my ear off the whole time. He talks at me, doesn’t ask me anything about myself, and doesn’t seem to listen to me when I do get a word in edgewise. I listen politely for as long as I can, but I am at work so I usually excuse myself after twenty minutes or so. Then, he comes in again.)

Regular: “Hey! I need to talk to you.”

Me: *currently with other visitors* “Okay. Sure. Give me a second.”

Regular: “Will you go out with me?”

Me: *stunned but not wanting to be mean* “Uh… We can discuss that but I have to finish helping these people.”

Regular: “I think you and I have a real connection. I’m in love with you.”

Other Visitor: “You know what? We’ll… we’ll wait, if you want to deal with this. It’s okay.”

Regular: “I’m in love with you.” *raising his voice* “I love you!”

(There’s several visitors nearby and all of them look over.)

Me: “Uh. Okay. Cool. That’s very nice, but I have a boyfriend.”

Regular: “But he doesn’t love you like I love you! You and I are perfect for each other!”

Me: “Dude. Look. I’m very flattered, but I don’t feel that way about you.”

Regular: *completely unembarrassed and smiling* “That’s not true! I know you love me, too. We understand each other.”

Me: “We really don’t. Please stop.”

Regular: *laughs* “Don’t be silly. Come on.”

Me: “Seriously? I am at work, I have a boyfriend, and I am not interested. Okay?”

Regular: “But your boyfriend doesn’t get you like I do!”

Me: “Oh, really? Hey, quick question: What’s my name?”

Regular: *smile fading* “What?”

Me: “What’s my name?”

Regular: “Oh. Uh. It’s… Um…” *getting flustered* “Well, that doesn’t matter. I love you! I don’t need to know your name to love you!”

Me: “I’m going to walk away now. Please leave.”

(He kept shouting how he loved me while I walked away and went out into the store room. One of the security guards had to come over and explain to him that a woman being nice to you while she’s at work doesn’t mean anything. He hasn’t come in since.)

[florida80]

How Overgrown Is That Carpet?

home, Language & Words, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 7, 2018


(My husband and I have been having trouble with a particular appliance lately. I told my husband that I would ask my mother what brand she uses so we can get a good replacement.)

Husband: “Oh, have you asked your mom about those… rug mowers?”

Me: *very confused* “Rug mowers?”

Husband: “You know… vacuum cleaners!”

(We both had a good laugh at his temporary verbal lapse.)

[florida80]

Waterdude, Friends With Rodent Guy And Okay Fella

Atlanta, Georgia, home, Movies & TV, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | October 5, 2018


(A few years ago, my husband managed to be in the right place at the right time, and he was cast as an extra in a movie. It was a negligible role, but he ended up meeting the star actor, a well-known heartthrob, famous for playing a certain underwater superhero. They look similar, most noticeably tall with long hair. However, my husband is fairly thin, and this actor is very muscular with a large frame. They both share a scar through the same eyebrow, a trait that they seemed to bond over when they met. It’s also worth noting that my husband and I have recently been looking for a new work truck.)

Me: “I read online that The Rock got his stunt double a new truck.”

Husband: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah. You’ve got a rapport with a famous actor. Maybe you should rekindle your old flame.”

Husband: *scoffs* “Yeah, sure. He’s Aquaman. I’m more like… Waterdude.”

[florida80]

Don’t Lecture Him About His Forgetfulness

Czech Republic, Field Trip, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | October 3, 2018


(My husband and I just had an adventure that was 35 years in making. He is smart, but scatter-brained, and often forgets things overnight. Before he had a smartphone and me to keep schedules, things were tough for him. When he was in grammar school, his class was scheduled for a field trip to an astronomical observatory. My husband, an astronomy geek, was looking forward to it, but he forgot and went to normal lessons, while the rest of class was already on the train. Well, at least everyone had a good laugh about it. Then he went to high school… and the scenario repeated itself to the last detail. So, thirty years later we decide to treat ourselves and go on a trip, ending at the observatory. My husband is ecstatic, despite a bout of migraine, and keeps repeating that he finally is going to see the lecture. So, we buy the tickets, sit in the lecture hall, the chair rests lower themselves, lights go dim… and my husband falls asleep, waking up after the lecture, rested and refreshed, but none the wiser about the lecture.)

Husband: “Why didn’t you wake me?”

Me: “I tried. But honestly, you clearly needed a nap.”

Husband: “Well, I am clearly cursed. God doesn’t want me to see the lecture.”

(Pause.)

Husband: “What was it about? C’mon, people will ask me and I will look like idiot! Again!”

[florida80]

It’s A Crazy Dating World Out There

Bizarre, Dating, home, UK | Romantic | October 1, 2018


(I am talking with my cousin about her upcoming tenth anniversary.)

Me: “It’s so great that you’ve managed to last so long in a happy marriage.”

Cousin: “Well, it’s God’s blessing.” *pauses* “But it’s better than [Workmate]. She tried to go on a date with someone I hooked her up with.”

Me: “What happened?”

Cousin: “Well, the first few dates went okay with him, but when she asked if he would be comfortable with having sex, he just said, ‘How do I know you won’t call the police afterward and say I raped you?'”

Me: *a little taken aback* “What?”

Cousin: *shrugging* “That was her reaction, too. She told me, as well. [Another Workmate] is his sister and said that when he goes on blind dates or even spends a long time with a woman, he wears a homemade chastity belt.”

(I am really glad I’m already married.)

[florida80]

Nintendos Before Hoes

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, New York, USA | Romantic | September 29, 2018


(My friend is over for a night of video games and “bro time” when his girlfriend tries to video chat with him. Because he is playing the game, he doesn’t answer. This does not go over well with her; she calls repeatedly until he picks up. He puts the phone in his lap so he can keep playing.)

Girlfriend: “What the f*** are you doing that you can’t answer your phone?”

Friend: “I’m playing a video game.”

Girlfriend: “Where? Where are you right now? I got home and the apartment was empty!”

Friend: “I’m at [My Name]’s house.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t recall you telling me you were going there. Are there girls there?”

Friend: “Well… I did. And no. Look. I’ll be home later.”

Girlfriend: “No, you need to come home now.”

Friend: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “There’s dishes and laundry to be done, and I haven’t seen you all day. You can’t just run off and play video games whenever you want. You have responsibilities! Are your friends more important than me?”

Friend: “No, I’m just hanging out with some guys. I’ll help clean when I get home tonight.”

Girlfriend: “You know what? Don’t bother coming home!”

(He hangs up and keeps playing the game like nothing happened.)

Me: “Uh, don’t you want to… fix that?”

Friend: “She’s always saying crazy s*** like that. She doesn’t mean it. If I didn’t come home, she’d probably b**** about that, too.”

(They broke up shortly thereafter because she made the same threat and he didn’t come home “on time.” She locked him out of the apartment and threw all his things out the window. He’s crashing on my couch right now. She still calls every now and then, and yes, she’s still crazy.)

[florida80]

The Bells Of Destiny

Aunts & Uncles, Bizarre, Engaged, Funny Names, home, USA | Romantic | September 27, 2018


(My cousin is Chinese-American and a single child, and has recently announced his engagement to a divorced white American with three girls. She kept her ex’s name to match her kids. My aunt and uncle aren’t very pleased that my cousin will have three step-daughters right off the bat, because that could deter them from more children, especially a boy.)

Fiancée: *hands my aunt and uncle an item that includes her maiden name*

Aunt: “‘Bell’ is your name?”

Fiancée: “Yes, it’s my maiden name.”

Aunt: *drags [Uncle] aside for a bit, then they smile and return*

Uncle: “Your name is Bell! I think our son chose you on his first birthday!”

(My aunt and uncle then proceeded to explain that in Chinese tradition there is a fortune-telling ceremony where objects are placed down for the baby to pick. They didn’t use the traditional set of items, and one of them was a bell. It was supposed to represent growing up to become a shop owner, because that was the bell my aunt and uncle used in theirs. Apparently it decided to come true in another way.)

[florida80]

Giving Him An Earful

Alabama, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Huntsville, Silly, USA | Romantic | September 25, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed watching TV. We are spooning, with me as the big spoon. He is really talented at watching TV and forgetting the world around him. I kiss his ear and he jumps up, freaking out.)

Boyfriend: “What the heck, babe?! Were you trying to slice my ear open or something?”

Me: *deadpan* “No, I need something sharp to do that.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Yeah, that’s true.”

(He snuggles back against me for a second before saying:)

Boyfriend: “I don’t know which is worse…”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “That that is your answer to why you didn’t slice my ear open, or that I accepted it without a second thought.”

[florida80]

She’s Not Giving You A New Hope

College & University, Flirting, Friends, Ignoring & Inattentive, LGBTQ, Non-Dialogue, USA | Romantic | September 23, 2018


I’m an asexual woman, but back when I was in college, “asexual” wasn’t really “a thing.” I just ended up telling all my friends, “I don’t date,” as a personal rule.

One of the boys who was in theater with me had a very strong crush on me. The two of us practically built the theater department, so we were always hanging out together and were pretty good friends, but he was always trying to convince me to go out with him. He would buy me gifts even though I had told him I didn’t date and didn’t have the money to reciprocate the presents.

One day he told me his brother was trying to sell a rare draft script for the first Star Wars movie ever made. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge Star Wars nerd, and I would have flipped to have that script or even just a photocopy of it. I even said as much to him. Unfortunately I didn’t have the money his brother was asking for, and the script sold online.

Fast-forward a year. I could tell our friendship was cooling because he was getting frustrated that I still wouldn’t go out with him. The last time it came up, he handed me a birthday gift: a pair of gold and ruby earrings. I don’t wear jewelry, so I had no idea what they were worth, but all I thought was that he had to have spent far more than what his brother asked for that Star Wars script! I stared at the jewels and then looked at him, finally saying, “Um, my ears aren’t pierced.”

He took the earrings back and we never really hung out again. He did finally move on, get a girlfriend, and get married. I have never broken my rule about “not dating.”

The moral of the story is: If you’re trying to get someone to go out with you especially by giving them presents, maybe take a cursory review of the three years you’ve been friends to notice that she doesn’t wear jewelry or have pierced ears, but is fanatically obsessed with Star Wars and would have felt obligated to go on a date if you had just given her that incredibly rare artifact you somehow had access to!